June 30, 2008

New Yorker Anti-Caption Contest #152

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results. Good luck!


Posted by Harry



Since we're about to die in this collision, I guess I should come clean and tell you I've been doing Billy's teacher.

Fucking hell, I never knew Hawaii was so far south.

If you squint really hard, you can see us.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."

"Oh look, their on the Highway to Hell, too!"

"I know people say Florida is America's wang but really I think Mexico and Central America are. The Pan-American Highway is like the vas deferens. Incidentally Boston is the part of the brain responsible for mispronouncing words and ejaculating in soup."

"But if we're...and they're...and we're driving on...but where's...Luuuucy!!!"

"Well I'll be damned, my uncle was right; Ecuador really is just the world's rear right turn signal."

"I'm so high that the planet in front of us looks like the world's fattest twins riding miniature motorcycles."

"Ha! Ya see, Marge? Do ya see that, YES, the whole world DOES revolve around me."

"What on Pluto is that? A planet? No, it's too small to be a planet."

"I guess I shoulda turned right at Albuquerque."

"Let's moon them!"

"Huh. That's weird."

"Look - Terry Pratchett was right. It's a big giant disc."

"Crap, they don't take EZ Pass. Do you have any hundreds?"

"The giant planet sitting in the middle of the road here is obscene."

by Mick Stevens

age 9

Well, I'll be damned.To find Zontar, you really do just get on the Interstellar Highway and follow the Earth.

"...fucking Asian drivers."

"This GPS is extremely inaccurate."

"Look out, Steven! There's an Earth in the road!"

"You know, I still can't believe Jerry Garcia died."

"Gas prices are out of this world."

"I keep telling you, if we don't do something fast our whole planet is facing a head on collision with.... Harry, LOOK OUT!!"

"Fucking planets, always take up both lanes."

"I knew we should have stopped to pee. Now we're going to be stuck behind this slow-moving planet all day."

"I hate it when the gods go bowling."

"Earth to car. I'm bigger than you."

"It's just a myth, you sissy, don't make such a fuss. And put it in low gear for Christ's sake."

"Wait, if that's the Earth, where the fuck are we? I knew I should have taken that last turn at Alberquerque."

"Hold on tight everybody! We're about to enter Harry's World


"Just once I'd like to get in the car and avoid the fucking traffic. Just once."

"Hey, look. It's kinda like that marble from the end of Men in Black. That movie was pretty good."

"I should probably pull on to the shoulder and just go around."

"Honey, quick, get me my Whole Earth Catalog!"

I told you we should have brought that Atlas.

How many days per gallon do you think he gets in that thing?

"I hope his trailer hitch is rated for 6 septillion kilograms."

See Loretta, I told you one day we would see the world. And your eggs still haven't even dried up all the way yet.


Get a small car, you said. It's good for the environment, you said. Anything else you'd like to add before we die?

Did you remember to turn the coffee maker off?

"Fucking SUVs!"

Well, since we're about to die anyway, I might as well tell you both that I was never really planning on turning this car around and driving back home. Also, Sarah, you're adopted.

"Are we there yet?"

"Starbuck! You did it!"

"It was Earth all along!"

"How does the water stay put?"

"Wait a minute... If that's Earth, then where are we?"

"One of these days, Alice! Bang, zoom, to the Earth!"

"It's right here, you stupid bitch. The guidebook clearly states that the World's Biggest Globe is one of Nebraska's premier road-blocking attractions. Nowhere in here do I see the word 'roadside.' When we get back home I'm divorcing you and buying a GPS."

"Hey, Earth! Put the fucking cell phone down and drive!"

Wow, check out that giant disc-shaped billboard with a map of the Western Hemisphere!

"When are we going to replace our bloody nav system? Nobody uses big-screen, rear projection anymore."

"No shit, that's Tahiti. 'I see London, I see France' means your underwear's hanging out, Magellan."

"I have an ulterior motive for taking you out on this scenic drive, Joan. I have something to tell you. The truth is that I have painful penis cancer, and one of the lumps looks unsightly. It might put you off. I'm really hoping you don't leave me, though; I need your love and support now more than ever. Please, think it over. Are you thinking it over? Are you...even listening to me? You...oh, what? Yeah, it's the planet Earth - so fucking what?!"

"Well I'll be goddamned. The Flat Earth Society was right."



"Well Laura, the way I see it, ain't nothing gonna stop me from bein' remembered as one of the world's great leaders...Now fetch me out another Pabst from the ice chest, will ya babe?"

"Not another new dollar coin. When will they just give up already?"

"For crying out loud, Petey ! Can't you just hold on til STEVENS' WORLD ?"

"Earth Earth, bo-Birth, bananafana fo-firth, me my mo-mirth, Ear-urth. Now let's do it in a round! I'll go first."

"Yes, I see 'Titty-caca.' And no, we don't have time to totally stop real quick and take our picture."

" 'Lake TIT-icaca, here I come'? Is that any song to sing before our Petey...pervert ?"

HE: "Look, the World's Fair!"

SHE: "The world isn't fair."

HE: "No, the WORLD'S FAIR."

SHE: "No it isn't fair!"

HE: "I know the world isn't fair."

SHE: "The World's Fair isn't fair? Why?"

"I don't hate your parents, Mindy. It's just their home planet is so... how do I say it? Middle of the road."

"Wait a minute. If that is Earth, where the fuck are we?"

"Come on! For true , Percy ?! Hawaii is actually really even FARTHER south than your Laso-Projecto indicates ? ... O.K., O.K., already ! -- 'I AM NOT SMARTER THAN A FIFTH GRADER'! ....Fuckin' brat!"

"Harold, I told you to go LEFT through the wormhole! Now look what you've done!"

Mr. McMillan was very proud of his new GPS unit. Unfortunately, he hadn't yet learned how to use the "zoom" function (see inset).

"Katamari! Katamari! Reverse! Reverse!"

"Emergency 'parachute brakes', hairhead ! .... In all the new 'Detroits' !"

"I guess Radosh wasn't kidding when he said Indian Lake was at the end of the earth."

Backseat kid: Look daddy, there's Great Slave Lake !-- Dad: Shut your damn kid up, Doris !

This is a very bizarre occurrence, children. It seems that we are about to collide with some sort of earth. I do not know why this is happening. However, I do have a theory. I believe that this is caused by love, like many things. Love is the answer, children.

"I knew I shouldn't have taken the scenic route."

"I gotta say Mary, this really challenges my perception on life as we know it."

"Dammit, a flat tire."

"Honey, quick, hand me the Eartha Kitt!"

"We're about to collide with a giant globe!! Quick Steven, take a left and drive through that cliché and poorly illustrated hillside!"

"It looks like this might be the end. At least the kids aren't here to see this; they're bound and gagged in the truck! Ha ha ha!"

This cartoon requires not a caption, but a theme.

"Yeah, sure ! So nice of God to do something with interplanetary space....after five billion frigin' years ! Five billion fuckin' years, you hear!! And I'm gonna get all thankful and grateful ?! ....Sheez, what's this crud ahead ?!"

"Hold on, Honey! We're about to find out just how firma that terra is!"

" 'Hi, ho! Hi, ho! It's off to 'VV CEPHEI' we flow ....nice 'scenic extrusion', Xotse."

'This happens every time you put Gustav Holz on the car steareo.'

or stereo, whichever

"Worth it ? I'll say ! What, you seventy whatever hunks for the job, me the seventy virgins ?! Scenic diversions throughtout ! We going in ! Allah total pissed....Aieeee !"

"I say, if that's Earth, then where are we? We are where then? Earth? That's if say I!"

"Fuck North and South America. Aren't you intrigued by the figure-ground ambiguity created by the negative space?"

. . . and welcome to "Bowling for Wormholes."

Atlas shrugged.

"And they say Al Gore isn't funny. Well, wait until they get a load of my New Yorker cartoon! Hey, are you writing this down? This isn't dictation. Don't print this as the caption. The real caption is... shit... hold on, my cell phone is..."

"No, 'HE' plays MARBLES with the universe ! ....Fuckin' Einstein !"

" Hold on rhymes with a female body part. The way I see it, the impact point will be smack-dab in the middle of the PACIFIC TRASH VORTEX and wi'll be covered with plastic shit and Laysan Albatross guts. "

"Don Quixote was a fag!"

"What on earth-?"

"By my calculations it's moving downhill at the rate of about an inch a century giving us just enough time to grow oblivious to that fact and eventually be crushed."

"OMG! We're going to roll over a car!"

"It's got us locked in a tractor beam, Captain. I'm trying auxillary power but it's not e--oh... wait a sec, my bad...the parking brake was on."

"If I don't get at least an Honorable Mention, I'm going to drive into the Earth and wipe out everyone on it."

" SHIT! Harold, hit the hi-beams again! These CONTINENTAL DRIFT HYBRIDS think they can hog the diamond lane at 0.000014 mph. "

"You call that a planet!?"

"It drives so slowly because it's mostly Asian."

"Near as I can explain it, Boopsy, it's like a .. , well, like some humongous invisible wave-trough when you get in too close your Plutonian wharf back home, it, well, it just total sucks you up and in, to where you gotta 'flipper out' extra hard to stay off ? O.K. ? So you better put it in 52 nd, O.K. ? ....52 nd ! 52 nd, for Chris'sake ! Floor it, floor it, 'Boops' ! ........Jeez, spacewomen !"

[a South of the Border billboard on Mars]
"Holy Guacamole! Only 36 million miles to South of the Border!"

"I, Earth Jr., shall now avenge the horrid death your gas-guzzling ways inflicted upon my father."

"Huh. Whadaya know about that? I always thought the earth was round, but apparently, it's actually an icosagon."

"Honey, isn't this more of a Gahan Wilson cartoon?"

Listen, kid, you're not going to have a career in set design until you grasp that all dystopian films require the head of Lady Liberty to signal our subjugation by apes or aliens. Now get rid of this ridiculous beach ball.

Don't run over that Brazilian hooker!

"Who wants to stop for sex slaves!"

JP: "Screw these Amber alerts, I'm taking you into the basement."

TINA: "Help me."

Betty, there are billions of cunts in the world and I wound up with yours.

"Great! Great! And now a flat ! This 'Monroe Doctrine' tout of yours 's going wonderful, honey! Notice the roadside crowds ! Historians ! Bah ! ....Shut up, Petey !"

Hello! 911?! I found him! King Kong just dropped a boulder on Highway 15. What? I don't know. He jerked off on it. No this isn't a crank call! Now? He's just napping on the side of the road. No problem, I'm not going anywhere. Oh, and bring tissues. Lots and lots of tissues.

"When we get home, I'm gonna give that AAA a piece of my mind! Scenic route, my ass!!"

"Look, Honey! I can see our house!"

The Panama Canals around here are obscene?
[might as well]

I told you no one goes to Epcot Center anymore.


"It's a small world, after all."

1. "Are we there yet?"

2. "I think I missed Uranus."

3. "Fucking Asians."

"'Count th'peckers'?! What th'sam hill game dat to learn yer kid, Earl ?! Yer dang road tricks ! ....(dere bees a heap..fuckin' erth !)

"This, too, can be blamed on the Bush administration."

"What am I, sputnik?"

Oh, NOW you have to pee?

"KIDS! Will you stop with the fucking texting and take a look outside? You're missing the whole damn world go by."

"Okay, we've seen the world. Can we go home now?"

"What the -- ???"

"Uh-oh -- I forgot today is Earth Day."

"This would be a whole lot more helpful if said somewhere 'You Are Here.'"

"Ahhh -- another beautiful, cloudless day on planet earth!"

"Good morning starshine
The earth says hello
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below"... OK kids, all together now! "Gliddy glub gloopy
Nibby nabby noopy
La la la lo lo
Sabba sibby sabba
Nooby abba nabba
Le le lo lo
Tooby ooby walla
Nooby abba naba
Early morning singing song."*

*actual lyrics!

"Uh-oh -- looks like it's 'no more Mister Nice Gaia.'"

"The hours here are obscene -- all 24 of 'em."

Leonard Bernstein!

"Kids, wake up! It's the world's most convex mirror!"


Father: "Nice haul ! Hell on The Valley, however ! You'd think one these new geniuses 'd maybe bust the bottom a bit, hunh, son ?" Kid: "Oh, wow ! Gee, yeah, dad ! ... Like Venus ?!"

"Chief, it's ADAM-12 here. We're out on an abandoned highway and - no, we haven't found that greek god fellow yet, but here's the thing... he's gotta be around here somewhere ."

" This is officer Jenkins in car 54. Seems the Giant Runaway Breast is loose again, disguised as a 42 foot Galica Globe! Appears to have a palpable lump in the region of Montana. Please send backup with a large scapel! "

"Actually, I was rather expecting this -- ever since we passed that giant shrugging industrialist a few miles back."

"Does anybody else think that valley to our left looks vaguely vaginal?"

"Is that an old cell-phone antenna on our roof? Why do we still have that?"

"And I'd think to myself what a wonderful world ... if it wasn't impeding our forward progress."

"No, I requested Deep Purple's 'Highway STAR.' That's obviously a planet."

"Well, I WOULD pass him, if he'd only stay in his own lane! ... Dammit, there's never a global policeman around when you need one!"

"That's a world-class roadblock."


Father : "As what Centauri Chroniclers now rather consider a remarkable galactic instance of political overreaction to, and I quote, 'the dubious and arrogant nation-building ambitions of the Bush administration on Earth, the electorate in the U.S.A., having had it up to their {expl. deleted} with the aforesaid ambitions--then more,to be sure, their almost ruinous and nigh on disastrous international ramifications, broke off from the greater part of its planetary fellowship in disgust and dismay, so that, presumably, the risk of any further repetion in such awful vein must be halved, if not entirely precluded !' ....I am no astronomer, of course, kids ; no historian, to be sure ! But, yeah ! So Bush's to blame ! He totally screwed up ! --- Daughter: "Get off it, dad ! Don't be such a bore ! .... Sheez !"

"I don't care if it is April 22. I'm not picking up any fucking hitchhikers."

"Do you think she knows about, you know... shrinkage?"

"I now see how, when built to scale, the earth must have been a colossal undertaking."

"But it can't be the end of the world: spheres don't have ends."

"Stop the world, I want to get off!"

Left: a car driving down a highway.
Right: a stylized Planet Earth [not to scale].

"Relax, Wile, it's just another of The Road Runner's tricks. Keep driving."

"...with the focus, as usual, on North America."

"Judging by the fact that nothing is casting a shadow, I'd say its high noon."

"Look out! You're going to hit that elephant standing on the turtles!"

"Ironic. Smashing into Mother Earth with a Volvo."

"Man, I love Google Earth 4.3.7204.836!"

"Radio the giant patient that there is no infection on the head of his penis, only a surfeit of smegma. We're going to drive over to his wrist now and take his pulse."

"Harold, stop the car, or we'll be really, REALLY big in Japan. Or Vanuatu."

"Say, isn't that Barack Obama sitting up on top there pinching himself?"

"I like going to the country. It's so earthy here."

dont hit africa! they dont have insurance...

"Honey, you've always wanted to go to the Pitcairn Islands, right?"

Son: "Yeah, you right, sis! ....Hey, dad, why don't you give us some that 'golden daffodil', no, some that 'world is too much with us' bit of yours, I mean, while you at it ? .. Frigin' Wordsworth !" -- Daughter : "It a beachball, dad ! A dumb beachball ! ....Centaurians ! Phooey !"

Don’t worry Carmon SanDiego! We are coming to help!

First giant pencils at work today, now this...

"Pardon me, car?... do you have any Grey Poupon?"

After being told to turn right at his anus, Jim realized that despite the earth's age of 4.54 billion years old, it really had a juvenile sense of humor.

"I don't know dear, maybe we should turn around. The sky looks awfully strange with that patch of stripes above us."

Father : "Say, it's only a paper earth a-light on a washboard road.!" --(to the tune of 'A Paper Moon') ----Son: "Jeez, I don't know, dad !"

"Isn't the Global Positioning System supposed to go inside the car?"

"Hey...think they sell fireworks at this exit?"

"You'd think Earth would know how to goddamned drive!"

"....and so the Siamese Twins moved to England so the other one could drive.."

"Sic transit gloria mundi my foot! That thing gets only 12 mpg highway!"

"Huh. I don't remember Canada having those big lakes northwest of Lake Superior."

"Get on your side of the road, asshole! What do you think this is, England? Oh, I see England. I see France. I see .. oh, the hell with the underpants line."

"Let's get out of here- I don't like the atmosphere."

"Jimmy, we'll be stopped at customs so put that damned rifle away!"

Guy driving gas guzzler: "I'm haunted by the face of my victim."

CRANKED ON THE CAR STEREO: I'm on the highway to hell...

"I can't determine if this is brobdinagian or lillipution."

"Look, they've repainted the fake moon set from the 1969 lunar landing."

Kids, I forget. In England, do planets drive on the left or r.....AAHRRGGHHHH!!!!!!!

Hunny, back off a bit. I think you're in the 'no-zone.'

"Watch me nail Matt Lauer!"

"You were absolutely right, Midge. If you have to take the kids on a trip, do it on acid."

"I'm always amazed at how much of the world is taken up by water and non-white countries."

"Sir, I have to know real fast. Did I pass my driver's test?"

"Who knew that E-ZPass® stood for 'Earth Zaps Your Ass'?"

See? I told you those giant hands looked like they'd dropped something.

We've seen the world. Now can we have kids?

"Beep! Beep!"


"Ah, shit, I give up."

"Crap. The oil light just went on."

Earth angel, earth angel
Will you be mine?
My darling dear
Love you all the tAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I spy with my little eye, something bigger than mom's ass.

"Let's rape it."

"Oh shit! I pushed the 'OnStar Global Conquest' button."

"I just painted it to look like a giant globe because it was the easiest way to sneak so much rock cocaine into the country. Now help he break this shit down into ten-dollar bags."

"What on earth??! Wait... What OFF earth?!"

"Driving this stoned is an 'out of this world' experience!"

"First Global Warming... Now Global Loitering!"

"C'mon Zorg... Let's stop and ask for directions"

"Look! Earth... (which is kinda strange to call it 'earth' since about 80% of it is water.) Hey, hon, hand me a soda and some Doritos, please?!"

The small type on the windshield reads, 'Objects may appear smaller than they actually are'."

Are we there yet?

It was one of those nights. The kind of night you looked forward to all day, but as it approached, you dreaded like the shock of cold water when you first turn on the shower. My shift at Earthwatch would soon be over, and the thought of an 18-year-old Lagavulin, that peaty Islay, was all the glue that could hold me together. And then she walked in...

"Yeah, yeah...We see it: Ed's Amco...Tulsa, Oklahoma...$4.28 a gallon. Excellent! We're on our way...Thank you Mr. Cheney, your close association with the oil industry has once again served as well."

"I remember reading about this in Wired.

Father(sings): 1)Say it's only a paper earth 2)Rolling over a cardboard road. 3)But that oughtn't' be shak... wife,4) If YOU believe I'm 'plowed' ?! Mother(sings): 5)Nah, it's only a paper moon 6)Roiling over a washboard road ! 7) And we'd neither do 'smack', or 'leaf'! 8) If I believed....O, God !!!! Son(surviving-later sings): 9)'twas a rinky-dinky pile, 10) As 'booney' as car could fetch-- 11) But it wasn't,like, make-believe! 12) If dad had swerved.... Oh, Bitch!!

"Oh yeah? Well, hitting the Earth at high speed won't do our ostentatiously European sports sedan any damn good, either. Christ, Linda, use your head."

"Anyone for a circle jerk?"

"Fascinating, captain. It appears to be a Class M planet, very similar to your own Earth. Nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere. Yet this planet has no Rachmaninoff, no Tiny
Tim, no George Bush."

"Oh shit, now both of us will be incontinent."

"George, when I said fuck the world, I didn't mean literally. Now look what you've done. Our taxes will double and we'll all be paying child support."

"Ha ha! Now I get to punch you once for each Beetle on the entire planet."

"That? Funny story: Just to fuck with them I called WINS Radio and said 'Look, I'm a lawyer, I gave you your 22 minutes...Now, do I have to haul your ass into court?'"

I could definitly not shove that up my butt

I told you the world was a crushing place.

The world may be round, but we'll be flat.

New car game:
1. Which ocean would you rather be engulfed in?
2. Which continent would you rather be squished by?
Answer quickly!

Let's turn on the headlights to annoy Peru!

I'm sorry to say this, children, but global warming has apparently eliminated clouds, wiped out Antarctica, and made both North and South America disproportionately large.

I still prefer Google Maps.

This was an existential crisis of such proportions that Efram was sure it excused the death of the peasant child trapped beneath the wheels of his Volvo.

"Did you just see that?...that giant globe just ran over Dennis Hopper."

"The car-shaped meteorite obliterated all life on Earth, down to the last bacterium."

"The car-shaped asteroid obliterated all life on Earth, down to the last bacterium."

I was right the first time. Shit.

"Jesus fucking christ!! Look at the size of that thing!!"

"My first view--a panorama of brilliant deep blue ocean, shot with shades of green and gray and white--was of atolls and clouds. Close to the window I could see that this Pacific scene in motion was rimmed by the great curved limb of the Earth. It had a thin halo of blue held close, and beyond, black space. I held my breath, but something was missing--I felt strangely unfulfilled. Here was a tremendous visual spectacle, but viewed in silence. There was no grand musical accompaniment, no triumphant, inspired sonata or symphony. The planet was interfering with my Satellite radio."

"C'mon, muthafucka, let's play chicken!"

"No, that's not a Mitsubishi Eclipse."

Don't look up, keep blowing!

"Goddammit, I told you the Western Hemisphere can't drive for shit."

"Honey, if the Earth is ahead of us, where the hell are we?"

"Shoddy fucking Chinese contractors!"

"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."

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