June 23, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #151

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


"We're big sharpeners."

“Blah, blah, Claes Oldenburg, yadda yadda yadda.”

“Your job would be to sharpen these pencils. What experience do you have sharpening pencils?”

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you're not greedy you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa
Oompa Loompa doompadee do

"At the Big & Tall School of Constipated Mathematicians, no problem's so big it can't be worked out with a pencil."

"How do you feel 'bout wood shavings?"

"Apparently Moore's law does not apply to pencils."

The Dixon Ticonderogas here are obscene.

"No, you may not

stick your penis in it."

"It's generally quiet, except when the servers go down."

"Properly maintained it is our belief that the pen-cil is mightier than the sword."

"I'm a character all right!"

"My arms used to be normal length but, well, as you can imagine, I got a little tempted. Twice."

"But enough about my new novelty paperweights. Bill, you're fired."

"Is . . . is someone there? I can't see over these gigantic pencils. Is someone there? Speak up, why don't you! Stop torturing me!"

"Did I ever tell you I was a child actor? Yup, I appeared on 'Land of the Giants' as a kid. Got some great souvenirs, too . . . anyway, you're the last firm we're hearing from before making our decision. So tell me how you'd handle the Daffodil Douche account."

"Nobody's perfect. That's why giant pencils have giant erasers. And that's where we come in."

But, in retrospect, I'm kind of glad the genie misunderstood my wish when I asked for gigantic "number twos".

"Word of advice: There's a lot of sexual tension in the office. You just have to find a way to sublimate it."

Honey I Shrunk The Stuffed Shirts, in theaters NOW!

"They can make a desk in our size, why not a friggin' pencil?"

So, what's your point?

Jeff Koons

No, wait...hang on! Just a sec' I've got it...hold on! Oh no...damn! Jeff Koons. Again. Crap.

“The test consists of placing, turning, displacing and one-hand turning while placing and displacing. In short--if you can’t sharpen a fucking pencil we’re not hiring you.”

Surreal? Why no....what's wrong with you? Are you on drugs?

"I know! Big pencils? It seemed idiotice to me too. Then it just took off like pet rocks."

"We're pencil pushers. We start people on the small ones and then, later, they need these big ones to make it through the day."

"John, you've been a great employee here at the novelty pencil factory. But the truth of the matter is, corporate's been nagging me for quite some time to let go of one of my workers to save some money for the company. Unfortunately, you've had the lowest level of productivity on your branch over the last year, so we're going to have to let you go. I know you and your wife have a baby coming within the next month, but I'm sure there are plenty of other job opportunities on the market."

"They're actually even longer than they look. The pencil holder has no bottom, and my desk has a big hole in it."

Have you seen that one with Daffy Duck where Bugs Bunny is the animator at the end? Well, sir, I am a stinker.

If you're surprised to see the novelty pencils and eraser, wait till you see this! (Stands up, isn't wearing pants)

They come 8 to a pack, but I ate one. Get it? That's clever.

"We're a really big publication."

The supplies orderer asked me why I required such a huge desk, and long story short, I killed him and took his catalog.

"And yet whenever I need an eraser they're always rubbed off."

"That, 'old bitch receptionist,' is my wife!"

“How are you at getting the lead out?”

Ticonderoga No. 2 . . . is people!

You know what they say about big pencils, don't you?

Standardized tests here are big.

"Well, I hope you realize you're going to have some big shoes to fill...with pencil shavings from big pencils."

"You see, Flauntingshoff , here at Bigg's School of Business nowadays, we go right at developing in you students a proper deference before all things 'office'. There's too much of this egotistical, 'creative' stuff going on, you agree ? Take the case of this one Cheney, an old graduate ! Thought he was big stuff, doodling all over the place, like he was some god ! Huum ? Flauntingshoff-- an interesting name."

"It's all from the new Ikea in Red Hook. The desk is a 'Markör', the chairs are both 'Ingolfs', the giant decorative pencil sharpener is a 'Plufank', and the decorative pencils are a set of 'Fropps' inside a 'Sagån' wastepaper basket."

I believe the pencil sharpener now has a question for you.

"Any potential drain on old-growth forest will be entirely offset through the application of pencil shavings in the fire-place arena."

"There is a large pencil sharpener on my desk, and also a large container, with large pencils inside."

"Go on and hop into the giant cup. You're eighth in line."

Right?! That's exactly what I told her: How was I supposed to know the baby had crawled inside? And can you believe this, after I hosed it down and brought it here to work, she STILL wants a divorce!

"OK, let's get started. I suppose you're all wondering why I called this meeting - Eberhard, would you pipe down, please? We're starting now, and I think you're upsetting Mr. Winchler."

What if I didn't have freakishly large office supplies. Would you fuck me then?

"You haven't met your quota for the past two quarters, and your current pipeline isn't promising...please, pay attention! I would've removed the novelty desk items before our discussion if I had known they'd be so much of a distraction."

They were made in China, so they actually do have lead in them.

"Welcome to Jameson Creative Agency - Guaranteed to Help You Make it Big! ...Now, what household object did you need help with?"

"Why, even monkeys have shown more curiosity when presented with this display, Dooby ! No, there's no place at NBC News for the likes of you, I'm afraid-- not any more !"

"The boss's wife called him a pencil dick - guess he showed her."

"I use the pencils to write the last name of every Vice President on the lower left hand corner of my floor."

"How is it that everyone has heard of Big Oil, but no one has heard of Big Graphite

? That's where you come in...."

"When I say 'Polish surge', as you can readily understand, it is only in reference to their renewed interest in three-man writing teams. ....Iraq-wise, not so much."

"I'm sorry, but we're really looking for someone with experience sharpening comically large number 3 pencils."

"It's not legal for me to ask you this, but will you suck my dick?"

"So yeah, you just sharpen them when the big man in the office upstairs needs them."

"...so, after the Tom Thumb Society picketed Letterman..."

"Hold or crank?"

"The ergonomics are hell. The feeder has to stand on his toes. The cranker has to climb on the desk and bend over."

"We'll need to check your references."

"He died of lead poisoning. Why?"

"The government doesn't create currency as spelled out in Article One of the Constitution. Instead it somehow "borrows" money that doesn't yet exist from the Federal Reserve, a shadowy group of private "bankers." The government "repays" this "loan" from the proceeds of the personal income tax, which has never paid for any government service the way most people think. Both the Fed and the income tax were instituted in 1913 through dubious Congressional maneuvering. JFK took steps to dislodge the country from the "central bank" criminal syndicate, as did Garfield and Lincoln, and look what happened to them. My giant pencils help keep me from thinking about this too much, as do the threat of terrorism and Barack Obama's charisma. And no, I am not an anti-semite. Walt Disney was an anti-semite, and now his company is run by Jews. Hahaha. I do believe circumcision is messed up though."

“We don’t fire people. We flush them.”

"May I borrow a pen?"

"Yeah, it was too big for drinking, and my doctor said I should cut back to thirty cups a day. But it makes a great pencil holder."

"We attempt to transform the traditional ideas about what defines 'normal.' In fact, I just pooped my pants, and you are encouraged to do the same."

"I'm sorry to inform you that our biggest customer -- Evrolet Girl -- has just died. And, consequently, we're in deep shit."

"Let's see how you handle 'florida florida florida' on a large white boa.. , oh, hell, try the wall behind me there !"

"Very funny. And no, the guy you're replacing didn't get stabbed to death by a giant pencil. He was kidnapped and buried alive by a psycho."

Welcome to hell week freshman! I'm gonna blindfold you and stick your cock in the sharpener

"Are you SURE you don't have questions? About this shit on my desk, I mean. You're sure? Really?"

"Excuse me, do you have a pen I could borrow?"

"This job requires taking a lot of big-ass notes."

"Before you ask...I couldn't afford a nice car to compensate for my extremely small penis."

"We'd like you to come up with some catchy phraseology for the upcoming 'launch', I mean, besides BIG, or like that(he! he!),infringing trade laws. You know, you 'lit' majors so clever,it's a wonder there's anything left to the schools ! These six-figure salaries-- man, oh man ! ....Anyways,we got to have this before Superbowl !"

Welcome to Pennsylvania.

No, the hours here aren't obscene. But every week, two or three people get eaten by the cat.

It's a giant ham with a crank. Any other questions mister nosey parker?

"It's a big SPAM with a handle. What with the price of everything on the rise these days, Hormel forecast greater demand for the product; but the stuff still tasted as bad as ever , so we got it cheap ! Picasso did the same with 'found' objects. .... Take his 'Baboon', for instance."

"So this is your idea of atoning for backing over my child with your car? Bringing me oversized writing utensils? I appreciate the notion, Mr. Smith, but I'll still see you in court."

"Sorry, but we already buy all our office supplies from a place that makes them impractically huge for shits and giggles."

"Your resume was extremely sketchy. You're just the type of person we're looking for!"

"It's a big job, but someone's gotta do it."

"Let's get one thing straight: I hold 'em, YOU turn the crank."

"Thank goodness we are both homosexual fellows, and thus can mutually enjoy the absurdity of this odd situation."

“It's no secret that this company wastes a huge amount of money on humongous office supplies.”

“I’m really sorry Farnsworth but we only hire Jews.”

“We’re an equal opportunity employer except for Blacks.”

“Cheney created us so I don’t want to say anything bad about the motherfucker.”

"S'matter ? Intimidated by first grade, were you ? ....We like to weed THOSE fellows out."

"Why sure, Bob! I'll marry you.... and, by the way, you had me at: 'Do you like the giant pencils I sent you?'"

"Great idea, Bill! Quick, hand me a pencil!"

"Of course Mr. Kong can't write. He thinks holding a sharpened pencil makes him LOOK smart!"

"Now that I have these new glasses I wonder, 'Where did these giant things come from?!"

"We're C.I.A. here, Abraham, so how in hell did you wander in here through our unlikely, gags-store entrance ?! Anyway, got anything on suspicious 'west bankers', any'turbanheads', while you're here. ....Nice 'nosejob', by the way !"

"These? These here are Texas pencils: Big and obnoxious, but completely pointless."

"Something is happening here and you don't know what it is...Do you, Mr. Jones?"

"Why, yes, we're C.I.A., can't you tell ? Cheney left his signature all over the place."

Yes, it's for the Green Giant.

"I'm rather busy, but I might be able to pencil you in."

"OMG. You, sir, ae gaaaaaaaaay. You may make some good points, but I'm having trouble seeing it through all of the gayness."

"The large container between us does not permit me to see your face given our respective seating positions. Well done."

"What pencils?"

"Before we get started, Mr. Cheney please don't mind the sketch artist over in the corner with the completely normal-sized pencils and sharpener in front of his easel. It simply helps me put the name with the face."

Have you heard the one about the dull pencil? Oh wait, this is supposed to be a CAPTION to the cartoon. Nevermind, there's no point now...

"97, 98, 99, 100! Ready or not, here I come!"

"Welcome to the Dollhouse. Your job will be to design doll-sized pencils and sharpeners, which would make life much easier around here."

"Here at the New Yorker we encourage our writers to use big words."

When I said "Have a big Number 2 ready," I meant a pencil. You can take the chair with you.

I did the scribbles on the door myself. Do you like it? If you wanted to add a few more dots to the floor, by all means.

"Ticonderoga? I barely know 'er o ga...............never mind."

Do you really fucking think that's relevant here? I didn't ask you about that humungous schnoz of yours!

Yes, I freely admit that my job--sharpening the giant pencils--isn't exactly essential. But doesn't that make your job--emptying the giant pencil sharpener--even less essential than mine? So, seriously, just shut the fuck up.

"It's a long story. OK, here it is. The boss thinks I take too long one every task. So while I'm trying to fill this position, he told me to not to waste time looking for the sharpest pencil in the drawer. Plus, I tend to take things too literally. Any more questions?"

You know the worst part about this job? I'm allergic to pencils. And they knew it, too, when they hired me. I hate this fucking company.

Now don't break it again. If I have to sharpen your pencil one more time I'll stick your fucking head in there.

This isn't a chair I'm sitting on. It's a giant staple.

How many Pollocks does it take to sharpen a pencil?

How badly do you want this job? I need to hire an affirmative action candidate and will color in your face now.

Thank you sweetie but I would have been happier with a vibrator and a bouquet of flowers.

George Carlin died. Deliver these to his widow.

They're just supposed to look like pencils. They're actually hollow tubes where we store the bodies of the children that have died in our factories.

"Did you see 'The Love Guru'?



"Did you see "Get Smart"?



"Why haven't we killed ourselves yet?"

"I don't know. And now somebody out these giant pencils on your desk. It's like the universe is fucking with us."

"I know."


"I have cancer."

No bid contracts are inflationary, with a black hole and all...

I'm overcompensating for a small penis.

"Everytime I sit here, I suddenly have the urge to go number 2."

"It's facing the wrong way,"

"Perhaps you'd better leave before I go all Electric Larryland on you."

"Just grab one, stick it in the hole and I'll start turning...owwww, let me rephrase that."

"And here we have the "test of faith" portion of the interview. You just put your hand into that hole, and trust me not to crank the arm.

Yes, it's mandatory in you're really interested in working here. "

"Giant novelty office supplies are my only chance at getting a workout."

"Try putting these babies in jello."


"I hired you because our last guy couldn't even install a giant mechanical pencil sharpener that faces the right direction."

"Here at Company Inc., we have giant pencils and giant noses."

"The boss's wife called him a pencil dick - guess he showed her."

Posted by: jim M | June 23, 2008 12:16 PM

- easily the best one so far.

Dude,"all long STICKS are not supposed to be poked in small HOLES."

Actually, they're croquet stakes; big ones at that. We're big on croquet here at work. Do you play croquet?

We've been having problems with giant cyclopses, and vampires, lately.

"I'm sure I don't need to explain to you that it's us, the desk, and the room that are tiny and the pencils, cup, and sharpener are normal size."

Jenkins, please move you're chair to the center of the desk.

Jenkins, please move your chair to the center of the desk.

You'll never guess who's hiding under my desk.

"You wanted 7 million pencils...6 inches long? Shit!"

" These are the only remnants from Jack Beanstalk's Giant's estate.Did you know he was acromegallic and had hematuria ? His wife had dyspareunia (who wouldn't, he was a giant).What do you think about that ? "

"Yes, the ad was supposed to say 'Experience with giant pencils a plus.'" Sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Holmes.

"well, your college experience speaks for itself. to let you know a bit about the company, we mainly make psilocybin mushrooms and, also, we, like, uhhh, hahaha, i'll call you later."

I know what you're thinking, and no, it's not a good idea.

"Army pay what it is, soldier, I can well understand your decision to come to Ripley's with some of Saddam's 'dummy' WMD. (He sure had 'em fooled- ha! ha!- played Sec. Powell for a complete fool ! ..Well, you may be very certain we'll keep your name out of it--and as per arrangement, I won't even see your face. .... Have a good day."

"If you think these are big, just imagine how large the fax machine is!"

"Now this is a skills test."

"Our corporate mission is to grant the final wishes of iron lung bound quadirplegics with Down's Syndrome. As you might imagine, these wishes largely consist of moving, leaving the iron lung, and becoming smart and attractive. When can you start?"

that's "quadri", not "quadir"

"Obama has specifically stated he opposes gay marriage because of his religious beliefs, but supports civil unions because they are separate but equal. Loser."

" Crookshank. SLOWLY move your chair towards your left, as the door next to you has no visible means of support! "

Here's the deal see, you take one of these sombitches and sharpen it real good and they you wait til the cyclops is sleeping and..

Congratulations. You're totally nonplussed reaction to my surgically removed chin has won you a month's worth of shavings!

Why do I have a regular-sized pencil jar and sharpener hanging from my door frame by fishing line, thereby creating a forced perspective? Excellent question.

"OK, tell me again, which of the two guys from They Might Be Giants am I supposed to be?"

"Wait, that's too harmless and only slightly humorous. Do you really think you could erase my gigantic polyp with that gigantic Number 2 colon pencil?"

It was either this or help the doctor insert the rectal thermometers.

They're called #20 pencils, why?

That's what SHE said!

Not everything, mind you, scales to this size. Part of getting the job right is figuring what does. Thanks to my shuttering the tampon division, we have turned a small profit this quarter.

[1963: Parallel Universe... Five Seconds Before Thermonuclear war]
"Have you a cigarette, Winthrope? You see, I've decided to ignore my doctor's advice because thermonuclear war is inevitable, don't you think?"

"There's never a dull moment around here."

(That was my nomination for most submitted caption to the "real" contest.)

"The props ? ....Why, just a little 'test' Father set up before he 'passed'. Welcome to the novitiate, O'Brian !"

Our erasers are non-pareil.

"Thanks for meeting me, Brian. Well, where in the world should I start?... Ok, I'll be blunt: the company's obviously been growing but we're still in the red this quarter."

"Have a seat, Brian; and don't mind the weird stuff. I used PCP in the frosting for Dotty's goodbye cake because we were out of powdered sugar."

"I can tell by the look of you that you're a tits man, Carl, but what the company really needs now are good ass men. Fucking economy. Go figure. I hope your life works out."

My cup writeth over.

I guess we picked the wrong time to go paperless.

It was about time to put Sequoia National Forest to good use.

I always hated people borrowing them and returning 'em with bite marks. Problem solved.

I hope you don't mind, we're a couple of midgets.

"Delighted you DIDN'T ask, O'Brien ! Welcome to the novitiate."

"So, you're interested in a job in Microsoft's advanced technology group?"

"...2:46...2:47...2:48.. Fine stuff , Bixby ! You are now Guiness' new world record-holder as to no-blinking interval ! Congratulations ! Good show ! 2:56...2:57..."

"One thing though, Perlmutter. You put the sharpened pencils in my FUCKING COFFEE!!"

The desk accessories division has grown sharply and frankly, the rest of us are just trying to keep up.

"He's also a shitty vice president."

Don't worry, you won't have to sharpen these giant pencils.

You will, however, have to kill puppies.

"What the FUCK did you just say about the size of my pencils?"

I'll tell you the same thing I told the poolboy about my wife -- just don't stick your dick in it and you'll be okay. You can, however, give it oral.

They're for when Rumsfeld's autopen runs out of ink.

Well, to make a long story short, we are now the largest supplier of props for Target's in-store advertising campaign for back-to-school supplies. You don't even want to know how many dicks I had to suck to get that account...Okay, it was like 5 or 6, but I was too coked up to remember exactly.

"I'm sorry, but all of our pencils are for left-handers

. You'll have to leave."

"How 'bout them Mets?"

"It's problematic. I can't get them out of the cup without hitting the ceiling, and I can't sharpen them without hitting the wall."

"Yes, it's right there in the Second Amendment: The right to bear very large pencils."

"I used to have eight sticks but the machine eated one."

"Now is the time that we stand chest to chest and sing 'Good King Wenceslas' into each other's mouths."

"Ever since my family's experiences during the Pencil Famine of 1848 we've been partial to these over-sized buggers."

"Oh, and by the way, Billy, I was trying the crank earlier and this totally repulsive, stringy shit, or whatever, dribbled out. Be a good man and clear that up for me, won't you ? And Billy, we've got our eyes on you here at Yard Sales & Stuff ! ....Gad, what a stench !"

"I'm actually an atheist myself..."

"I've found that people don't lie about their experience as much when they're sitting behind a a bunch of giant pencils."

"Have I shown you our giant shredder? Or was that the guy who . . . quit?"

Yes, my father was beaker on from the muppets. After his untimely death I had to support my family by selling comically large classroom supplies. Would you like to buy some?

"Just call me 'Mr. Pencil', Dick."

"I'm just so tired of the daily grind, you know?"

Don't touch them, please. These are Yao Ming's pencils to be auctioned after the Olympics.

"Our next ornithology class involves these giant wood peckers, and we will divide into splinter groups."

"I use the shavings to make giant bags of fake pot."

I guess no one told you. Today is bring your fucked up fettish to work day.

You know how it is, first you buy ... well, you know how it is.

My girlfriend told me that size doesn't matter - yeah, right. You look like a guy with a tiny dick, too, so you're hired. Just don't try to fuck her.

Get it right, Higgens - Peter Paul Almond Joy has nuts and mounds don't.

So you tell me that you worked for Boeing at their 747 plant -that's a positive. But when you tell me that need to wear customized tin foil hats in order to block alien signals? That's a negative.

Higgens, luck is about to rush through the door in the form of fifty giant second graders. Get out of the way immediately or you will be crushed.

After having a light bulb, a stapler and a tape dispenser surgically removed from my anus, my Doctor suggested that larger office supplies might be less tempting.

" These are distraction props we use prior to every vasectomy. If your ready, lie down, spread your legs, and hope for the best. "

Jenkins, here's the secret to our success: although we pay with those extra-large novelty checks, no-one has yet figured out that signatures in pencil aren't legal.

"In Soviet Union pencil sharpener has torrid lesbian affair with wife."

Now for the role-playing portion of the interview. Say you are in charge of acquiring office supplies. Do you a) diligently research the options and choose the most practical option, or b) give Haliburton a no-bid contract like that bumblefuck Harrison who just got his ass canned, opening up this position.

"You take turns sticking each pencil inside while the other six stand around and watch."

It's not easy finding miniturized people, much less qualified ones.

"The M&Ms on the floor are not funny, you non-eyeglass wearing, big-nosed, curly-haired, very upright posture, both forearms locked in the forward position, dare I say it, kind of Jewish looking mother fucker!!"

"It's a long story. It seems that back in the 1950's and 1960's, practically every BATMAN comic book had a story where Batman and Robin would battle crooks in some location where there were giant sized props. So the boss figured that if he had these giant pencils, and this giant pencil holder, and this giant pencil sharpener out here in the reception area, eventually BATMAN would pay us a visit. But no such luck. Although I think I saw Acquaman in Men's Room last weekend."

"Could you please move your chair? I can't see you with all those fucking pencils in the way."

Before you ask, OSHA says we can't have sex with it.

"And you know what the worst part is? I have to get up and walk *all the way to the other end of my desk* if I want to sharpen one of 'em."

"We manufacture artwork and letters for adults whose children have died. And for those without hands."

What are you staring at?

"Now it takes two of us to even sharpen a fucking pencil...I told management downsizing was a dumb idea."

"Let me get this straight: your DAD started 'bigfoot' ?

"'Here. Bring 'em to work' the wife said, 'they'll be a conversation piece' the wife said. Well I'm fucking sick of them, okay?"

I really wanted a 60 pound shar pei.

"Have you ever assembled Gatling guns?"

"It's a living."

You should see my cock.

"So then, are you willing to live in an old tree, wear a cute little hat, and commit yourself to making 'Uncommonly Good' cookies?"

"My supervisor comes up with all sorts of ways of making me feel inadequate."

"Boss, it's about that wastepaper basket you requested."

"Oh, it's the latest thing in upper body workouts. Beats the Hell out of golf."

"It works like a charm, but it needs to be cranked. That's where you come in, Alvin."

"We don't use electrics around here anymore, not since the accident."

"As I'm sure you know, pens are famous for being mightier than swords. But these seven pencils--when sharpened properly and wielded by a skilled
practitioner--are just as powerful as pens, if not moreso. So, Mr. Grasshopper, I ask you the last and most important question of this interview: Do you have the patience, discipline, and concentration to sharpen your skills to become a true master of the Seven Deadly Pencils? I ask because, you see, you left that space blank on the application."

"Welcome to the headquarters of The Big Store! Are you enjoying 1988 as much as I am? This is going to be a great year for us, and a great year for the Mets!"

"What do you mean when you say you'd 'like to put lead in my pencil'? Which pencil?? And why not use graphite, silly???"

Our company motto is "Stay sharp," and every employee has these hilarious novelty items as a reminder. I would impale myself on one of the pencils but the damn things are too heavy.

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