The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #150

"Try not to miss this time."

Posted by: MAtt | June 16, 2008 11:33 AM

"Samuel! Why do you always have to make such a show of things? Just drive the car down to the bridge, write something cliché about wanting to end it all in the dust on the window, and jump in. Or don't, whatever. But for fuck's sake put the gun down. Some of us still have to live here."

Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 11:36 AM

"Missed again, Bil Keane."

Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 11:37 AM

"Did the bullet bounce off your skull, or did the gun just jam on you? Oh, wait, never mind. Anyhoo, the Island wants you back."

(Sorry, fellow geeks, just wanted to get that out of the way)

Posted by: radosh | June 16, 2008 11:37 AM

Wow, you've located the legendary "Lost Lockhorns" strip.

Posted by: gary | June 16, 2008 11:38 AM

"It's after 10PM. Suicide is allowed only by hanging or overdose."

"I don't suppose you would clean up all the broken glass before you do that?"

"Lower..."

Posted by: MAtt | June 16, 2008 11:43 AM

When you're done here, Harry, clean off the couch, will you? The raccoon got his prints on it again.

Relax, Tom. For Chrissakes, they'll find someone else to host "Meet the Press" eventually.

Posted by: gary | June 16, 2008 11:46 AM

Hold on, Vince. Could you at least tell me what Hillary said to you?

Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 11:50 AM

You've really got to get your hearing checked and stop listening to all that rap music. What I said was "Why don't you get bussed to the capitol dome".

Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 11:54 AM

"You're supposed to put the barrel in your mouth! Don'tyou know anything?"

Posted by: Richard | June 16, 2008 11:57 AM

If you put the pistol in this hand that I am holding out to you I will point it at your face and pull the trigger.
...Then I will get dressed, write your suicide note and start a new life as a professional escort following the antiques roadshow.

Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 11:59 AM

See, that's the thing with Ikea furniture. They might be cheap and attractive, but they're so flimsy!

Posted by: spinachdip | June 16, 2008 12:09 PM

For Pete's sake, Jeffrey! If you're going to use rubber bullets you have to aim directly at the temple.

Posted by: Jason | June 16, 2008 12:10 PM

That's a nasty tremor...let me go get you your L-dopa.

Posted by: LK | June 16, 2008 12:12 PM

"Are you gonna finish it, or is New Orleans ?"

Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:27 PM

"Is that a gun in your hand or are you just unhappy to se me?"

"For an ex-cop, you are a lousy shot. How can you live with yourself?"

"Please, Mr. Fenwick, stop! I beg you. I've called the hospital - they can help you."

Posted by: JohnnyB | June 16, 2008 12:32 PM

You're so inconsiderate, Harold. You know today is the maid's day off.

Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 12:33 PM

"Okay, Henry, havung sex with me does not appeal to you anymore. I get it. I won't ask again. Just come to bed."

"You're not even trying."

Posted by: JohnnyB | June 16, 2008 12:34 PM

"Figures ! You're related to that spastic Lorenz, aren't you ?"

Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:36 PM

Hey, I thought the tenth shot was for me!

Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:47 PM

Why so glum?

Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:48 PM

Did the Lakers blow another big lead?

Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:49 PM

"Yes, honey, I'm right on your head...a little lower...right there!"

"Here, let me show you how"

"Can't you ever finish a chore efficiently"

Posted by: Leppo Softboy | June 16, 2008 12:52 PM

Kramer always enters through Seinfeld's door at the most awkward times.

Posted by: ben c | June 16, 2008 12:54 PM

"You pinhead ! It's beginning to look more and more like I stood by and let it happen !"

Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:55 PM

“Christ, what an asshole.”

“Reload and try again. And this time place the gun directly on your temple.”

“A flyswatter works just as well. Or flypaper. Or just call the exterminator. Here’s his card.”

Posted by: Deborah | June 16, 2008 12:57 PM

"If Kevorkian explained it to you once, he .....! Early 'intervention' in the case of Parkinson's is absolutely crucial !"

Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 01:10 PM

Harold, give me that. You can't do anything right.

Posted by: TMo | June 16, 2008 01:11 PM

Oh for crying out loud..I go to a lot of trouble for these afternoon quickies...you think you could make a little effort here? Geez!

Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 01:14 PM

I am saddened at your decision to end your own life.

Posted by: Nicola | June 16, 2008 01:14 PM

I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow my head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Posted by: james | June 16, 2008 01:15 PM

Yes, I'm from the the VIP Emperors club - you have a problem with our "no refund" policy?

Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 01:16 PM

Can I give you a hand with that? Because one of us has to clean this up, and it's clearly not going to be you.

Posted by: Mark | June 16, 2008 01:21 PM

"Come to the basement, Henry. A tornado is breaking the house apart. We could die if we stay here."

Posted by: mypalmike | June 16, 2008 01:23 PM

Oh, sorry wrong room - ahem, hah hah...these long hallways...the doors look all the same! Oh, and don't get me started on key cards...talk about bad security. Well, I'll just pop out and be on my way...sorry to disturb you...have a nice day...bye!

Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 01:24 PM

"Geesh! Did you get that gun from a John Woo film set?"

Posted by: mypalmike | June 16, 2008 01:27 PM

Bill, it's 3 a.m. At least have the common courtesy to use a silencer next time.

Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 01:29 PM

"Well, whoopdee doo ! Little remorse over fucking our 'au pair' on that sofa last night ? Disgusting ! ..And now you expect me to complete her dismemberment, I suppose ?!"

Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 01:34 PM

I'll take Oprah for the block!

Posted by: Natdot | June 16, 2008 01:37 PM

"I told you to get an 11-shot clip."

Posted by: stcoleridge | June 16, 2008 01:49 PM

"...so believe me, dear, Tim Russert is totally not going to respect you for this !"

Posted by: Sam L. | June 16, 2008 01:55 PM

"Don't forget to slaughter the children."

Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 01:55 PM

Seriously Bill. When I ask you to help find my goddamn dildo...YOU BETTER DAMN WELL DO IT!! Fag.

Posted by: Billy | June 16, 2008 02:00 PM

“The smiling couch bothers me also.”

Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 02:12 PM

"I understand, the choice between plasma and LCD is difficult."

Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 02:15 PM

"The 'Sports Illustrated' football phone was a good promotional tool... The marketing team at Guns and Ammo, wished they had been more original."

Posted by: Steve | June 16, 2008 02:27 PM

"The 'Sports Illustrated' football phone was a good promotional tool... The marketing team at Guns and Ammo, wished they had been a bit more original."

Posted by: Steve D. | June 16, 2008 02:29 PM

"I know of a man with no hands or feet yet he's a respected collegiate wrestler. Now go ahead and shoot yourself."

Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 02:38 PM

Was it the pussy?

Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 02:40 PM

"Okay, you win. You're not an attention whore. Whatever, freak."

Posted by: Anita Margarita | June 16, 2008 02:41 PM

I don't care if the couch has eyes!

Posted by: Joel B | June 16, 2008 02:41 PM

"Dinner's ready."

Posted by: Nicola | June 16, 2008 02:42 PM

I don't mind the rest of the mess, Fred, but you know I can't stand graffiti. Now why did you write "Lorenz" on my living room floor?

Posted by: Toby | June 16, 2008 02:42 PM

"Studies show that the first successful attempt is often the hardest."

Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 02:46 PM

Check out our couch. It looks like a duck. Even though in reality it's two bulletholes and a pillow.

Posted by: Michael | June 16, 2008 02:48 PM

"Those shooting classes are really paying off, aren't they, sport?"

"You have a strange stain on your shirt"

Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 02:58 PM

"Morris, I warned you about watching too much David Frum."

Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 03:00 PM

Nice try, Herbert, but when I said that teenage boys make me horny, I didn't mean the Dylan Klebold type.

Posted by: Mike | June 16, 2008 03:13 PM

I don't know why you're so upset Bob! It's called Ghetto-chic and I just KNOW its going to be the next big thing in home decor. Why don't you just unwind a little bit in front of the telly . . . Oh, um, nevermind.

Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 03:13 PM

"Wait, let me get my camera phone."

Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 03:13 PM

"Suicide is painless, my ass!"

"If you miss one more time I'm going to kill you."

"Stanley, can't you do anything right?"

Posted by: Scott | June 16, 2008 03:15 PM

"White people are crazy."

Posted by: J.D. | June 16, 2008 03:18 PM

"That was George Bailey on the phone. He says he got the Building & Loan money back, and he also learned a valuable lesson -- that it would be better if you'd never been born."

Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 03:31 PM

"Harvey! My sofa!"

Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 03:33 PM

"How's that working out for you, Annie Oakley? Mr. If-you-want-something-done-right? Assisted suicide's probably starting to look pretty good right about now, isn't it? But no, you had to go and fuck this up like everything else in your pathetic life. Well, if you think I'm still going to duct-tape a garbage bag over your head and give you a lethal injection and clean up this goddamn mess, you've got another thing coming. Just what in the blue blazes is your problem anyway? Why can't you just be happy in our marriage? Here's an idea -- step in front of a bus, asshole! -- if you can find the front door without a map, that is. Oh, don't look at me like that; it's called tough love. Deal with it."

Posted by: Anita Margarita | June 16, 2008 03:34 PM

"Don't worry, Dear, it's the thought that counts."

Posted by: akaop2000 | June 16, 2008 03:34 PM

"Calm down, Harold. It was all a long time ago. So what if you and your team didn't get Castro -- you sure hit the bullseye in Dallas."

Posted by: J.D. | June 16, 2008 03:41 PM

Oh my God, have you been trying to kill yourself?

Posted by: bagadonuts | June 16, 2008 03:55 PM

O in the center sq-- wait a second...

Posted by: bagadonuts | June 16, 2008 04:16 PM

My God, the only thing that hasn't been shot in here is your head.

Posted by: Jabril | June 16, 2008 04:19 PM

"You fucker."

Posted by: mloclam | June 16, 2008 05:09 PM

Are you committing suicide to escape your gambling debts?

Posted by: vinceneilyoung | June 16, 2008 05:15 PM

"The more Marriott Courtyard changes, the more it stays the same."

Posted by: David John | June 16, 2008 05:18 PM

Wait! Before you blow your brains out there's just one thing I've gotta know . . . how did my flowers fall from the vase with its mouth still intact?

Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 05:21 PM

"I knew I should have bought you the .44 magnum six-shot revolver instead of the .22 nine-shot revolver. Those little bullets are bouncing right off the metal plate in your head, and you only have one round left. Try aiming directly into your eye."

Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 05:38 PM

"Are those two bullet holes in the sofa? So you've actually fired ten shots? Meaning you've already reloaded? God, you're inept."

Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 05:41 PM

"You'd better hope DC v. Heller makes that thing legal, or you're going to jail. If you don't succeed in killing yourself, I mean. Which so far you haven't."

Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 05:43 PM

I hope you can explain how you did all this damage with that waterpistol.

Posted by: Doug | June 16, 2008 05:44 PM

That was the doctor on the phone. They ran more tests, and it is indeed Stage IV pancreatic cancer. Carry on.

Posted by: Mike | June 16, 2008 05:48 PM

"Happiness is a warm gun. But only if it has just killed you, because this is an unhappy marriage."

Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 05:53 PM

"Hey! Don't get any blood on Chairry, she's very sensitive."

Posted by: Erik | June 16, 2008 06:04 PM

"If you promise to keep the noise down, I'll give you your jet-pack back."

Posted by: Richard H | June 16, 2008 06:05 PM

"....do you know where my word search book is?

Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 06:11 PM

" I do wish that you'd put your goddamned dirty underwear in the hamper!"

Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 06:12 PM

"Don't do it, Harold! I'm pregnant, and that bullet is the father!!"

Posted by: Doug | June 16, 2008 06:13 PM

"Hey, deadeye...for the last time, TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!"

Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 06:14 PM

"I'm ready. You're not wearing that shirt again tonight, are you?"

Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 06:15 PM

"Bad timing, I know, but I need the gun. Our house is under siege by gang-bangers."

Posted by: David John | June 16, 2008 06:25 PM

"You saw yourself move suddenly in the mirror so you opened fire?!?...You New York cops are all a bunch of burnouts cases if you ask me."

Posted by: al in la | June 16, 2008 06:36 PM

"Don't do it Max. Think of all the people you've yet to annoy."

Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 06:36 PM

"Have you seen my vulture?"

Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 06:40 PM

dave, i'm sorry. i didn't believe you when you told me that our sofa was in actual fact a giant, evil sofa-shaped duck with the power to control human minds and a taste for sadism.

Posted by: john maccarthy | June 16, 2008 06:51 PM

I don't know which is worse: your inoperable brain tumor or your aim.

Posted by: Urgh | June 16, 2008 07:01 PM

Its perfectly normal for a middle aged man to desire a threesome with Prussian Blue. Just make sure the Mom is out of earshot if you decide to tell them you're Jewish.

Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 07:02 PM

Next time, Harold, use a fly swatter.

Posted by: boneguy | June 16, 2008 07:04 PM

If you had stayed at a Holiday Inn last night, you would have better aim.

Posted by: Jason | June 16, 2008 07:17 PM

"Wilfred Brimley, did you hear???! Oatmeal fucks with your brain!"

"What do you mean, 'I'm next'?!?"

"Okay... now this time squeeze the trigger....gently..."

Posted by: Johnny V | June 16, 2008 07:28 PM

Dick Cheney's on the line for you, says he's got some advice as to how to shoot an old man in the face.

Posted by: dstein | June 16, 2008 07:29 PM

"You were liking those GIECO commercials way too much and I tried to warn you...and now it's too late."

Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 07:33 PM

"Jesus, what a mess! And now you're going to shoot yourself? Huh."

"Oh, for Chrissake, Harold! You're supposed to gun down dozens of innocent people, then turn the gun on yourself. How hard can this be, when 13-year-olds who couldn't find a clitoris with a GPS can figure it out?"

Posted by: Rubrick | June 16, 2008 08:07 PM

"At first, I thought this was just a cry for help. But now that I compare it to the cry for help that your next-door neighbor gave when she heard the gunshots, I can see the difference."

Posted by: Rubrick | June 16, 2008 08:09 PM

"Good God ! It IS all so awfully depressing, isn't it ?! So 'Alain', almost ! So '1956' ! Is that 'naugehyde' or 'polyester'? ....Ick !"

Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 08:21 PM

Nice shooting Annie Oakley. You just neutralized Mr. Crosby's scrotum in 3B.

Posted by: boneguy | June 16, 2008 08:32 PM

"See, Walter? I told you you'd regret doing 'Grumpier Old Men.'"

"I don't care what the mirror said, you're pretty Goddamned fair in my book!"

"Well I think that 'Grampa, why don't you just kill yourself!' is a perfectly reasonable response to receiving a birthday card with a nickel taped inside."

"Are you making that face because of the mess on the floor, or the mess in your pants?"

Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 08:38 PM

[Nice shooting Annie Oakley. You just neutralized Mr. Crosby's scrotum in 3B.]

:)

Posted by: Another Anonymous | June 16, 2008 08:42 PM

You're sweating, so the muzzle keeps slipping off your temple. Let me turn on the air conditioner.

Posted by: Ernest | June 16, 2008 08:46 PM

"Don't do it, Bill. Killing yourself won't end the pain we share over the death of our son. I love you."

Posted by: John | June 16, 2008 08:51 PM

"You've fired eight shots with a revolver that holds only six bullets. No wonder I find it hard to take you seriously when you say you're going to kill yourself."

Posted by: Dave | June 16, 2008 09:03 PM

"Yeah, well I got a right to 'this coyness', buster ! Come a-courting -- with four cheap-ass peonies ! Land of Goshen. Get out !"

Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 09:03 PM

"See, I told you the South Beach diet was effective!"

Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 09:08 PM

"I'm starting to follow Von Go's treacherous stream of consciousness...And when N.O it All! starts to make sense to me I'll definitley pull this trigger!"

Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 09:10 PM

"FUCK the Second Amendment."

Posted by: Lothar | June 16, 2008 09:56 PM

"Okay, okay. I'll pose topless for you. Geez!"

Posted by: Jerry | June 16, 2008 09:59 PM

"Oswald! Are you acting alone?"

Posted by: Jack R | June 16, 2008 10:01 PM

"Don't give me that ! You 'smelled the roses'--my roses, didn't you ? Plucked them out and smelled them ! No other explanation, the vase mouth intact! ....Eat your heart out, Sherlock !"

Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 10:09 PM

That gun sure holds a lot of bullets.

Posted by: Danny | June 16, 2008 10:09 PM

For the last time, you're not one of the final five....you're just insane.

Posted by: Howard the duck | June 16, 2008 10:27 PM

"You nincompoop. You're supposed to spin the *cylinder*, not the *entire freaking gun*. Here, it's my turn anyway."

Posted by: Jangler | June 16, 2008 10:56 PM

Harold! Don't you dare turn this into some kind of 'cry for help' ploy. That's my thing...I invented 'cry for help' goddam it! If anyone needs help here, it's me. Look at how high-waisted I am.

Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 16, 2008 10:56 PM

"So this is what happens when a Polish gun nut gets depressed!"

Posted by: al in la | June 16, 2008 11:03 PM

Hold your horses Louis, I told you Dr. Kevorkian is running late today.

Posted by: Jersey City Mike | June 16, 2008 11:04 PM

"I told you not to read Bugliosi's new book ! So depressing ! I mean, according to The New York Review !"

Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 11:07 PM

You shoot like you piss -- everywhere but where it's supposed to go!

Posted by: Mike B. | June 16, 2008 11:09 PM

" Don't laugh, your next! "

Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | June 16, 2008 11:18 PM

"Oh my god, why?"

Posted by: Greg B. | June 16, 2008 11:34 PM

" Baxter,drop the weapon! And don't give me 'From my cold dead hands' shit! "

Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | June 16, 2008 11:39 PM

"Game's up. There are no bullets left in that gun."

Posted by: znufrii | June 16, 2008 11:53 PM

"Oh my God! Kenneth, put the gun down! Clause 13(b) of your life insurance policy specifically forbids this!"

[Sorry, I won't go over the limit again...]

Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 11:59 PM

Oh I get it. The other things are broken because he must have shot at them first with the gun.

Posted by: Bobby | June 17, 2008 12:29 AM

"you'll never be free until kill your multiple personalities."

"I know, it's so much more dignified with the car, but think of the gas prices."

Posted by: Brian L | June 17, 2008 12:42 AM

"It's the doorman. Do we know a 'Steve'?"

Posted by: Morgan | June 17, 2008 01:36 AM

"Yeah I get it, humans are destroying the planet with their materialism... but no, I will NOT feed you to the squirrels when you're dead!"

Posted by: Tim A.G. | June 17, 2008 01:42 AM

"...And why would you think all this drama would convince me to show you my boobs?"

Posted by: A.G. | June 17, 2008 01:44 AM

"I said 'Shoot, the furniture looks great!', not, "Shoot the furniture, it's great!", you nitwit... So now you're gonna shoot yourself over a comma?"

Posted by: A.G. | June 17, 2008 01:56 AM

"That had better not be pot burning in that gun...fatty."

Posted by: Rhys | June 17, 2008 02:35 AM

Rectum? He nearly killed 'em!

Posted by: cgb | June 17, 2008 04:22 AM

"Don't stop! Don't stop!"

Posted by: dwilk | June 17, 2008 07:16 AM

In Russia, roulette plays you!

Posted by: Jimby | June 17, 2008 08:24 AM

In Russia, people kill guns!

Posted by: Jimby | June 17, 2008 08:28 AM

"Hey, Captain Shaky! How about you take your Parkinson's meds before you try to kill yourself."

Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 08:42 AM

"So how many bullets are in that thing?"

Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 08:45 AM

"When I heard the shots and the broken glass, I was hoping to find that you'd given yourself a 'Moe Greene Special'."

Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 08:48 AM

You never seem to miss when you cum all over my face!

Posted by: Jacque JeauJeau | June 17, 2008 09:07 AM

"I didn't find a note anywhere, so I guess I'll have to ask, are you doing this because I'm porking your brother? I hate when you make me go through the damned guessing games."

Posted by: Ted | June 17, 2008 09:15 AM

Well, I've disposed of the bodies, and I see you've cleaned up the splatter. Yes, I'd agree that executing all ten grandchildren in front of the household items in order to simultaneously despoil our children's inheritance was a harsh way of indicating that we don't appreciate being used as last minute baby sitters. Anyway, I hear sirens in the distance, so let's finish this before we end up rotting in prison. You first, dear.

Posted by: Cue | June 17, 2008 09:23 AM

"Fred Mertz, if you really thought you ever had a chance of nailing Lucy, you're a bigger jackass than I ever imagined. By all means, continue."

Posted by: djack | June 17, 2008 09:23 AM

"For Chrissakes, HERE's your suppository. Jerk."

Posted by: WillM | June 17, 2008 09:40 AM

"Shooting yourself? That's no way to die. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine...having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I want to go."

Posted by: Frank Drebin | June 17, 2008 11:15 AM

"Can I--I mean MAY I--have your pudding?"

Posted by: Chris | June 17, 2008 11:19 AM

"Be like Hemingway -- suck it like a dick."

Posted by: J.D. | June 17, 2008 11:28 AM

"You couldn't just kill yourself. You had to take the furniture with you."

Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 11:51 AM

"Will you stop that, Harold? You died years ago. You're a ghost -- completely non-corporeal. And I've already spent the life insurance payout, so I don't know how I'm going to replace all this stuff on my fixed income."

Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 12:10 PM

"Oh, shoot."

Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 12:15 PM

"Spatula? Colander? Damn it! What's the safe word?"

Posted by: mypalmike | June 17, 2008 12:33 PM

At least put on your suit jacket. Don't you want the coroner to think well of you?

Posted by: therblig | June 17, 2008 01:16 PM

"OK, I get your point. Guns don't commit suicide. People commit suicide."

Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 17, 2008 01:18 PM

"Harold, one of your ricochets just hit me in the hip! Don't you remember that your head has a steel plate on that side?"

Posted by: LR | June 17, 2008 01:18 PM

"Is that the tie you're going to wear?"