The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #150
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results. Click here to see the original caption from our bonus historical installment.
Winner
"Don't forget to slaughter the children." —Gary Goldsmith
Finalists
"Wow, you've located the legendary 'Lost Lockhorns' strip." —gary
"Well, they've escaped. God, we're terrible foster parents." —Andrew Payne
Honorable mention
"I don't know which is worse: your inoperable brain tumor or your aim." —Urgh
"Geesh! Did you get that gun from a John Woo film set?" —mypalmike
"Wait! Before you blow your brains out there's just one thing I've gotta know . . . how did my flowers fall from the vase with its mouth still intact?" —Stoo
"Oh I get it. The other things are broken because he must have shot at them first with the gun." —Bobby
"Who taught you to shoot, Michael J. Fox?" —Oren U
"M. Night Shyamalan presents The Happening: The New Yorker Cartoon" —David F
Comments
"Try not to miss this time."
Posted by: MAtt | June 16, 2008 11:33 AM
"Samuel! Why do you always have to make such a show of things? Just drive the car down to the bridge, write something cliché about wanting to end it all in the dust on the window, and jump in. Or don't, whatever. But for fuck's sake put the gun down. Some of us still have to live here."
Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 11:36 AM
"Missed again, Bil Keane."
Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 11:37 AM
"Did the bullet bounce off your skull, or did the gun just jam on you? Oh, wait, never mind. Anyhoo, the Island wants you back."
(Sorry, fellow geeks, just wanted to get that out of the way)
Posted by: radosh | June 16, 2008 11:37 AM
Wow, you've located the legendary "Lost Lockhorns" strip.
Posted by: gary | June 16, 2008 11:38 AM
"It's after 10PM. Suicide is allowed only by hanging or overdose."
"I don't suppose you would clean up all the broken glass before you do that?"
"Lower..."
Posted by: MAtt | June 16, 2008 11:43 AM
When you're done here, Harry, clean off the couch, will you? The raccoon got his prints on it again.
Relax, Tom. For Chrissakes, they'll find someone else to host "Meet the Press" eventually.
Posted by: gary | June 16, 2008 11:46 AM
Hold on, Vince. Could you at least tell me what Hillary said to you?
Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 11:50 AM
You've really got to get your hearing checked and stop listening to all that rap music. What I said was "Why don't you get bussed to the capitol dome".
Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 11:54 AM
"You're supposed to put the barrel in your mouth! Don'tyou know anything?"
Posted by: Richard | June 16, 2008 11:57 AM
If you put the pistol in this hand that I am holding out to you I will point it at your face and pull the trigger.
...Then I will get dressed, write your suicide note and start a new life as a professional escort following the antiques roadshow.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 11:59 AM
See, that's the thing with Ikea furniture. They might be cheap and attractive, but they're so flimsy!
Posted by: spinachdip | June 16, 2008 12:09 PM
For Pete's sake, Jeffrey! If you're going to use rubber bullets you have to aim directly at the temple.
Posted by: Jason | June 16, 2008 12:10 PM
That's a nasty tremor...let me go get you your L-dopa.
Posted by: LK | June 16, 2008 12:12 PM
"Are you gonna finish it, or is New Orleans ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:27 PM
"Is that a gun in your hand or are you just unhappy to se me?"
"For an ex-cop, you are a lousy shot. How can you live with yourself?"
"Please, Mr. Fenwick, stop! I beg you. I've called the hospital - they can help you."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 16, 2008 12:32 PM
You're so inconsiderate, Harold. You know today is the maid's day off.
Posted by: therblig | June 16, 2008 12:33 PM
"Okay, Henry, havung sex with me does not appeal to you anymore. I get it. I won't ask again. Just come to bed."
"You're not even trying."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 16, 2008 12:34 PM
"Figures ! You're related to that spastic Lorenz, aren't you ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:36 PM
Hey, I thought the tenth shot was for me!
Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:47 PM
Why so glum?
Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:48 PM
Did the Lakers blow another big lead?
Posted by: Tsphere | June 16, 2008 12:49 PM
"Yes, honey, I'm right on your head...a little lower...right there!"
"Here, let me show you how"
"Can't you ever finish a chore efficiently"
Posted by: Leppo Softboy | June 16, 2008 12:52 PM
Kramer always enters through Seinfeld's door at the most awkward times.
Posted by: ben c | June 16, 2008 12:54 PM
"You pinhead ! It's beginning to look more and more like I stood by and let it happen !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 12:55 PM
“Christ, what an asshole.”
“Reload and try again. And this time place the gun directly on your temple.”
“A flyswatter works just as well. Or flypaper. Or just call the exterminator. Here’s his card.”
Posted by: Deborah | June 16, 2008 12:57 PM
"If Kevorkian explained it to you once, he .....! Early 'intervention' in the case of Parkinson's is absolutely crucial !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 1:10 PM
Harold, give me that. You can't do anything right.
Posted by: TMo | June 16, 2008 1:11 PM
Oh for crying out loud..I go to a lot of trouble for these afternoon quickies...you think you could make a little effort here? Geez!
Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 1:14 PM
I am saddened at your decision to end your own life.
Posted by: Nicola | June 16, 2008 1:14 PM
I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow my head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?
Posted by: james | June 16, 2008 1:15 PM
Yes, I'm from the the VIP Emperors club - you have a problem with our "no refund" policy?
Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 1:16 PM
Can I give you a hand with that? Because one of us has to clean this up, and it's clearly not going to be you.
Posted by: Mark | June 16, 2008 1:21 PM
"Come to the basement, Henry. A tornado is breaking the house apart. We could die if we stay here."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 16, 2008 1:23 PM
Oh, sorry wrong room - ahem, hah hah...these long hallways...the doors look all the same! Oh, and don't get me started on key cards...talk about bad security. Well, I'll just pop out and be on my way...sorry to disturb you...have a nice day...bye!
Posted by: simsburybear | June 16, 2008 1:24 PM
"Geesh! Did you get that gun from a John Woo film set?"
Posted by: mypalmike | June 16, 2008 1:27 PM
Bill, it's 3 a.m. At least have the common courtesy to use a silencer next time.
Posted by: J | June 16, 2008 1:29 PM
"Well, whoopdee doo ! Little remorse over fucking our 'au pair' on that sofa last night ? Disgusting ! ..And now you expect me to complete her dismemberment, I suppose ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 16, 2008 1:34 PM
I'll take Oprah for the block!
Posted by: Natdot | June 16, 2008 1:37 PM
"I told you to get an 11-shot clip."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 16, 2008 1:49 PM
"...so believe me, dear, Tim Russert is totally not going to respect you for this !"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 16, 2008 1:55 PM
"Don't forget to slaughter the children."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 1:55 PM
Seriously Bill. When I ask you to help find my goddamn dildo...YOU BETTER DAMN WELL DO IT!! Fag.
Posted by: Billy | June 16, 2008 2:00 PM
“The smiling couch bothers me also.”
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 2:12 PM
"I understand, the choice between plasma and LCD is difficult."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 2:15 PM
"The 'Sports Illustrated' football phone was a good promotional tool... The marketing team at Guns and Ammo, wished they had been more original."
Posted by: Steve | June 16, 2008 2:27 PM
"The 'Sports Illustrated' football phone was a good promotional tool... The marketing team at Guns and Ammo, wished they had been a bit more original."
Posted by: Steve D. | June 16, 2008 2:29 PM
"I know of a man with no hands or feet yet he's a respected collegiate wrestler. Now go ahead and shoot yourself."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 2:38 PM
Was it the pussy?
Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 2:40 PM
"Okay, you win. You're not an attention whore. Whatever, freak."
Posted by: Anita Margarita | June 16, 2008 2:41 PM
I don't care if the couch has eyes!
Posted by: Joel B | June 16, 2008 2:41 PM
"Dinner's ready."
Posted by: Nicola | June 16, 2008 2:42 PM
I don't mind the rest of the mess, Fred, but you know I can't stand graffiti. Now why did you write "Lorenz" on my living room floor?
Posted by: Toby | June 16, 2008 2:42 PM
"Studies show that the first successful attempt is often the hardest."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 16, 2008 2:46 PM
Check out our couch. It looks like a duck. Even though in reality it's two bulletholes and a pillow.
Posted by: Michael | June 16, 2008 2:48 PM
"Those shooting classes are really paying off, aren't they, sport?"
"You have a strange stain on your shirt"
Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 2:58 PM
"Morris, I warned you about watching too much David Frum."
Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 3:00 PM
Nice try, Herbert, but when I said that teenage boys make me horny, I didn't mean the Dylan Klebold type.
Posted by: Mike | June 16, 2008 3:13 PM
I don't know why you're so upset Bob! It's called Ghetto-chic and I just KNOW its going to be the next big thing in home decor. Why don't you just unwind a little bit in front of the telly . . . Oh, um, nevermind.
Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 3:13 PM
"Wait, let me get my camera phone."
Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 3:13 PM
"Suicide is painless, my ass!"
"If you miss one more time I'm going to kill you."
"Stanley, can't you do anything right?"
Posted by: Scott | June 16, 2008 3:15 PM
"White people are crazy."
Posted by: J.D. | June 16, 2008 3:18 PM
"That was George Bailey on the phone. He says he got the Building & Loan money back, and he also learned a valuable lesson -- that it would be better if you'd never been born."
Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 3:31 PM
"Harvey! My sofa!"
Posted by: Joshua | June 16, 2008 3:33 PM
"How's that working out for you, Annie Oakley? Mr. If-you-want-something-done-right? Assisted suicide's probably starting to look pretty good right about now, isn't it? But no, you had to go and fuck this up like everything else in your pathetic life. Well, if you think I'm still going to duct-tape a garbage bag over your head and give you a lethal injection and clean up this goddamn mess, you've got another thing coming. Just what in the blue blazes is your problem anyway? Why can't you just be happy in our marriage? Here's an idea -- step in front of a bus, asshole! -- if you can find the front door without a map, that is. Oh, don't look at me like that; it's called tough love. Deal with it."
Posted by: Anita Margarita | June 16, 2008 3:34 PM
"Don't worry, Dear, it's the thought that counts."
Posted by: akaop2000 | June 16, 2008 3:34 PM
"Calm down, Harold. It was all a long time ago. So what if you and your team didn't get Castro -- you sure hit the bullseye in Dallas."
Posted by: J.D. | June 16, 2008 3:41 PM
Oh my God, have you been trying to kill yourself?
Posted by: bagadonuts | June 16, 2008 3:55 PM
O in the center sq-- wait a second...
Posted by: bagadonuts | June 16, 2008 4:16 PM
My God, the only thing that hasn't been shot in here is your head.
Posted by: Jabril | June 16, 2008 4:19 PM
"You fucker."
Posted by: mloclam | June 16, 2008 5:09 PM
Are you committing suicide to escape your gambling debts?
Posted by: vinceneilyoung | June 16, 2008 5:15 PM
"The more Marriott Courtyard changes, the more it stays the same."
Posted by: David John | June 16, 2008 5:18 PM
Wait! Before you blow your brains out there's just one thing I've gotta know . . . how did my flowers fall from the vase with its mouth still intact?
Posted by: Stoo | June 16, 2008 5:21 PM
"I knew I should have bought you the .44 magnum six-shot revolver instead of the .22 nine-shot revolver. Those little bullets are bouncing right off the metal plate in your head, and you only have one round left. Try aiming directly into your eye."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 5:38 PM
"Are those two bullet holes in the sofa? So you've actually fired ten shots? Meaning you've already reloaded? God, you're inept."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 5:41 PM
"You'd better hope DC v. Heller makes that thing legal, or you're going to jail. If you don't succeed in killing yourself, I mean. Which so far you haven't."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 5:43 PM
I hope you can explain how you did all this damage with that waterpistol.
Posted by: Doug | June 16, 2008 5:44 PM
That was the doctor on the phone. They ran more tests, and it is indeed Stage IV pancreatic cancer. Carry on.
Posted by: Mike | June 16, 2008 5:48 PM
"Happiness is a warm gun. But only if it has just killed you, because this is an unhappy marriage."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 16, 2008 5:53 PM
"Hey! Don't get any blood on Chairry, she's very sensitive."
Posted by: Erik | June 16, 2008 6:04 PM
"If you promise to keep the noise down, I'll give you your jet-pack back."
Posted by: Richard H | June 16, 2008 6:05 PM
"....do you know where my word search book is?
Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 6:11 PM
" I do wish that you'd put your goddamned dirty underwear in the hamper!"
Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 6:12 PM
"Don't do it, Harold! I'm pregnant, and that bullet is the father!!"
Posted by: Doug | June 16, 2008 6:13 PM
"Hey, deadeye...for the last time, TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!"
Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 6:14 PM
"I'm ready. You're not wearing that shirt again tonight, are you?"
Posted by: Greg | June 16, 2008 6:15 PM
"Bad timing, I know, but I need the gun. Our house is under siege by gang-bangers."
Posted by: David John | June 16, 2008 6:25 PM
"You saw yourself move suddenly in the mirror so you opened fire?!?...You New York cops are all a bunch of burnouts cases if you ask me."
Posted by: al in la | June 16, 2008 6:36 PM
"Don't do it Max. Think of all the people you've yet to annoy."
Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 6:36 PM
"Have you seen my vulture?"
Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 6:40 PM
dave, i'm sorry. i didn't believe you when you told me that our sofa was in actual fact a giant, evil sofa-shaped duck with the power to control human minds and a taste for sadism.
Posted by: john maccarthy | June 16, 2008 6:51 PM
I don't know which is worse: your inoperable brain tumor or your aim.
Posted by: Urgh | June 16, 2008 7:01 PM
Its perfectly normal for a middle aged man to desire a threesome with Prussian Blue. Just make sure the Mom is out of earshot if you decide to tell them you're Jewish.
Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 7:02 PM
Next time, Harold, use a fly swatter.
Posted by: boneguy | June 16, 2008 7:04 PM
If you had stayed at a Holiday Inn last night, you would have better aim.
Posted by: Jason | June 16, 2008 7:17 PM
"Wilfred Brimley, did you hear???! Oatmeal fucks with your brain!"
"What do you mean, 'I'm next'?!?"
"Okay... now this time squeeze the trigger....gently..."
Posted by: Johnny V | June 16, 2008 7:28 PM
Dick Cheney's on the line for you, says he's got some advice as to how to shoot an old man in the face.
Posted by: dstein | June 16, 2008 7:29 PM
"You were liking those GIECO commercials way too much and I tried to warn you...and now it's too late."
Posted by: J. Brown | June 16, 2008 7:33 PM
"Jesus, what a mess! And now you're going to shoot yourself? Huh."
"Oh, for Chrissake, Harold! You're supposed to gun down dozens of innocent people, then turn the gun on yourself. How hard can this be, when 13-year-olds who couldn't find a clitoris with a GPS can figure it out?"
Posted by: Rubrick | June 16, 2008 8:07 PM
"At first, I thought this was just a cry for help. But now that I compare it to the cry for help that your next-door neighbor gave when she heard the gunshots, I can see the difference."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 16, 2008 8:09 PM
"Good God ! It IS all so awfully depressing, isn't it ?! So 'Alain', almost ! So '1956' ! Is that 'naugehyde' or 'polyester'? ....Ick !"
Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 8:21 PM
Nice shooting Annie Oakley. You just neutralized Mr. Crosby's scrotum in 3B.
Posted by: boneguy | June 16, 2008 8:32 PM
"See, Walter? I told you you'd regret doing 'Grumpier Old Men.'"
"I don't care what the mirror said, you're pretty Goddamned fair in my book!"
"Well I think that 'Grampa, why don't you just kill yourself!' is a perfectly reasonable response to receiving a birthday card with a nickel taped inside."
"Are you making that face because of the mess on the floor, or the mess in your pants?"
Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 8:38 PM
[Nice shooting Annie Oakley. You just neutralized Mr. Crosby's scrotum in 3B.]
:)
Posted by: Another Anonymous | June 16, 2008 8:42 PM
You're sweating, so the muzzle keeps slipping off your temple. Let me turn on the air conditioner.
Posted by: Ernest | June 16, 2008 8:46 PM
"Don't do it, Bill. Killing yourself won't end the pain we share over the death of our son. I love you."
Posted by: John | June 16, 2008 8:51 PM
"You've fired eight shots with a revolver that holds only six bullets. No wonder I find it hard to take you seriously when you say you're going to kill yourself."
Posted by: Dave | June 16, 2008 9:03 PM
"Yeah, well I got a right to 'this coyness', buster ! Come a-courting -- with four cheap-ass peonies ! Land of Goshen. Get out !"
Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 9:03 PM
"See, I told you the South Beach diet was effective!"
Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 9:08 PM
"I'm starting to follow Von Go's treacherous stream of consciousness...And when N.O it All! starts to make sense to me I'll definitley pull this trigger!"
Posted by: Anonymous | June 16, 2008 9:10 PM
"FUCK the Second Amendment."
Posted by: Lothar | June 16, 2008 9:56 PM
"Okay, okay. I'll pose topless for you. Geez!"
Posted by: Jerry | June 16, 2008 9:59 PM
"Oswald! Are you acting alone?"
Posted by: Jack R | June 16, 2008 10:01 PM
"Don't give me that ! You 'smelled the roses'--my roses, didn't you ? Plucked them out and smelled them ! No other explanation, the vase mouth intact! ....Eat your heart out, Sherlock !"
Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 10:09 PM
That gun sure holds a lot of bullets.
Posted by: Danny | June 16, 2008 10:09 PM
For the last time, you're not one of the final five....you're just insane.
Posted by: Howard the duck | June 16, 2008 10:27 PM
"You nincompoop. You're supposed to spin the *cylinder*, not the *entire freaking gun*. Here, it's my turn anyway."
Posted by: Jangler | June 16, 2008 10:56 PM
Harold! Don't you dare turn this into some kind of 'cry for help' ploy. That's my thing...I invented 'cry for help' goddam it! If anyone needs help here, it's me. Look at how high-waisted I am.
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 16, 2008 10:56 PM
"So this is what happens when a Polish gun nut gets depressed!"
Posted by: al in la | June 16, 2008 11:03 PM
Hold your horses Louis, I told you Dr. Kevorkian is running late today.
Posted by: Jersey City Mike | June 16, 2008 11:04 PM
"I told you not to read Bugliosi's new book ! So depressing ! I mean, according to The New York Review !"
Posted by: Von Go | June 16, 2008 11:07 PM
You shoot like you piss -- everywhere but where it's supposed to go!
Posted by: Mike B. | June 16, 2008 11:09 PM
" Don't laugh, your next! "
Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | June 16, 2008 11:18 PM
"Oh my god, why?"
Posted by: Greg B. | June 16, 2008 11:34 PM
" Baxter,drop the weapon! And don't give me 'From my cold dead hands' shit! "
Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | June 16, 2008 11:39 PM
"Game's up. There are no bullets left in that gun."
Posted by: znufrii | June 16, 2008 11:53 PM
"Oh my God! Kenneth, put the gun down! Clause 13(b) of your life insurance policy specifically forbids this!"
[Sorry, I won't go over the limit again...]
Posted by: Howard | June 16, 2008 11:59 PM
Oh I get it. The other things are broken because he must have shot at them first with the gun.
Posted by: Bobby | June 17, 2008 12:29 AM
"you'll never be free until kill your multiple personalities."
"I know, it's so much more dignified with the car, but think of the gas prices."
Posted by: Brian L | June 17, 2008 12:42 AM
"It's the doorman. Do we know a 'Steve'?"
Posted by: Morgan | June 17, 2008 1:36 AM
"Yeah I get it, humans are destroying the planet with their materialism... but no, I will NOT feed you to the squirrels when you're dead!"
Posted by: Tim A.G. | June 17, 2008 1:42 AM
"...And why would you think all this drama would convince me to show you my boobs?"
Posted by: A.G. | June 17, 2008 1:44 AM
"I said 'Shoot, the furniture looks great!', not, "Shoot the furniture, it's great!", you nitwit... So now you're gonna shoot yourself over a comma?"
Posted by: A.G. | June 17, 2008 1:56 AM
"That had better not be pot burning in that gun...fatty."
Posted by: Rhys | June 17, 2008 2:35 AM
Rectum? He nearly killed 'em!
Posted by: cgb | June 17, 2008 4:22 AM
"Don't stop! Don't stop!"
Posted by: dwilk | June 17, 2008 7:16 AM
In Russia, roulette plays you!
Posted by: Jimby | June 17, 2008 8:24 AM
In Russia, people kill guns!
Posted by: Jimby | June 17, 2008 8:28 AM
"Hey, Captain Shaky! How about you take your Parkinson's meds before you try to kill yourself."
Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 8:42 AM
"So how many bullets are in that thing?"
Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 8:45 AM
"When I heard the shots and the broken glass, I was hoping to find that you'd given yourself a 'Moe Greene Special'."
Posted by: David | June 17, 2008 8:48 AM
You never seem to miss when you cum all over my face!
Posted by: Jacque JeauJeau | June 17, 2008 9:07 AM
"I didn't find a note anywhere, so I guess I'll have to ask, are you doing this because I'm porking your brother? I hate when you make me go through the damned guessing games."
Posted by: Ted | June 17, 2008 9:15 AM
Well, I've disposed of the bodies, and I see you've cleaned up the splatter. Yes, I'd agree that executing all ten grandchildren in front of the household items in order to simultaneously despoil our children's inheritance was a harsh way of indicating that we don't appreciate being used as last minute baby sitters. Anyway, I hear sirens in the distance, so let's finish this before we end up rotting in prison. You first, dear.
Posted by: Cue | June 17, 2008 9:23 AM
"Fred Mertz, if you really thought you ever had a chance of nailing Lucy, you're a bigger jackass than I ever imagined. By all means, continue."
Posted by: djack | June 17, 2008 9:23 AM
"For Chrissakes, HERE's your suppository. Jerk."
Posted by: WillM | June 17, 2008 9:40 AM
"Shooting yourself? That's no way to die. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine...having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I want to go."
Posted by: Frank Drebin | June 17, 2008 11:15 AM
"Can I--I mean MAY I--have your pudding?"
Posted by: Chris | June 17, 2008 11:19 AM
"Be like Hemingway -- suck it like a dick."
Posted by: J.D. | June 17, 2008 11:28 AM
"You couldn't just kill yourself. You had to take the furniture with you."
Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 11:51 AM
"Will you stop that, Harold? You died years ago. You're a ghost -- completely non-corporeal. And I've already spent the life insurance payout, so I don't know how I'm going to replace all this stuff on my fixed income."
Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 12:10 PM
"Oh, shoot."
Posted by: Francis | June 17, 2008 12:15 PM
"Spatula? Colander? Damn it! What's the safe word?"
Posted by: mypalmike | June 17, 2008 12:33 PM
At least put on your suit jacket. Don't you want the coroner to think well of you?
Posted by: therblig | June 17, 2008 1:16 PM
"OK, I get your point. Guns don't commit suicide. People commit suicide."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 17, 2008 1:18 PM
"Harold, one of your ricochets just hit me in the hip! Don't you remember that your head has a steel plate on that side?"
Posted by: LR | June 17, 2008 1:18 PM
"Is that the tie you're going to wear?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 17, 2008 1:20 PM
"The Dow is up 120 points on strong trading."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 17, 2008 1:23 PM
"Oh come on. The prostate cancer will get you in a few months, anyway!"
Posted by: Pable | June 17, 2008 1:34 PM
"Shooting yourself won't get rid of the poltergeist activity in this room. Why don't you put the gun away and I'll offer you as a blood sacrifice?"
Posted by: DDH | June 17, 2008 1:55 PM
"Well, I'm going to bed."
Posted by: JRT | June 17, 2008 2:31 PM
"Your government TV converter box coupons finally arr... oh, never mind."
Posted by: LR | June 17, 2008 2:39 PM
Dammit Helga, why does my favorite pistol smell like your sweaty old vagina? Oh, don't give me that "coincidence" bullshit, I'd know that crusty vinegar stench anywhere!
Posted by: Apatheticnation | June 17, 2008 4:42 PM
Harold's clumsy attempt to end his miserable existence was partly motivated by the unexpressed anger he held towards his wife Joan, who would constantly barge in on him in his study with an accusatory look on her face. Also, she was a cold-hearted, overweight chore of woman whose love for him had dried up years ago, along with the naturally lubricating juices of her lady parts.
Posted by: Apatheticnation | June 17, 2008 4:53 PM
Have you seen Timmy? We've been playing Hide & Seek for over an HOUR and I can't seem find the little dickins anywhere!
Posted by: Stoo | June 17, 2008 4:56 PM
How is that mocking? I simply said that you never put your neck on the line for me.
Posted by: Stoo | June 17, 2008 5:11 PM
Oh, damn this blasted headache of mine. Back in my day, we'd just get the old trepanning knife, let the demons out, and be done with it. Ho ho, it seems that reference serves to indicate that I am comically old. Oh well, off I go to vote for my older brother John McCain.
Posted by: Apatheticnation | June 17, 2008 5:13 PM
Why am I not surprised? You could never find my clitoris either.
Posted by: Gormless | June 17, 2008 5:32 PM
"Senile implants are a lot harder than you think."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | June 17, 2008 10:15 PM
For God's sake, Howard, flubber and gunpowder? You remember when my father said you'd always be a failure? Remember, right before his chest was smashed in during your first flubber-based experiment? This is what he was talking about.
Posted by: RufusW | June 17, 2008 11:48 PM
I'm having an affair.
Posted by: Shawn | June 18, 2008 12:28 AM
"I said I need new furniture like you need another hole in your head, what did you THINK I said?!!"
Posted by: A.G. | June 18, 2008 2:22 AM
Thanks for your help, but I think the bee flew out the broken window.
Posted by: Brian L | June 18, 2008 2:53 AM
"The couch mentioned you'd been acting strange. I guess I just didn't want to believe him/it."
Posted by: David John | June 18, 2008 4:33 AM
Dear, you forgot the cushion, lamp stand, wall, floor and the door, beside yourself.
Posted by: ametropia | June 18, 2008 6:14 AM
Actually, what I really want to know is how you got 10 bullets into a 6-shot revolver!
Posted by: DoctorJoeE | June 18, 2008 8:39 AM
Are you really that upset that a black man might become president?
Posted by: Ted | June 18, 2008 8:47 AM
"Cunt!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 18, 2008 9:58 AM
Okay, I understand the couch, windows, mirror, ceiling, TV, and lamp, but why the hell did you shoot the flower pot? It just doesn't make any sense.
Posted by: Apatheticnation | June 18, 2008 11:08 AM
"Good afternoon sir. Are you familiar with our publication, the Watchtower? Oh, yes, I can see that you are."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 18, 2008 12:02 PM
"When you're done breaking the Guinness World Record for stupidity, come to dinner."
Posted by: Alec | June 18, 2008 12:18 PM
Now that have my attention, finish the job.
You know darn well a smoking gun won't hold up in court.
I hope you have a permit for that thing.
Big deal...so none of the children were actually yours. What a drama queen.
Posted by: Amy | June 18, 2008 1:54 PM
"Oh, alright. They DO look like bat signals."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 18, 2008 3:42 PM
"Let me guess: Robert Goulet on the TV again?"
Posted by: Greg I. | June 18, 2008 3:47 PM
" Dr. Schwartz called, your bifocals are in! "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | June 18, 2008 3:56 PM
"Why not Bil Keane?"
Posted by: al in la | June 18, 2008 4:25 PM
"What the fuck?! Oh, this is just outstanding. We're never gonna be able to come back to this IKEA now."
Posted by: Greg I. | June 18, 2008 4:44 PM
"Do you remember who it was that said 'He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster?' Well, do you?!"
Posted by: RichM | June 18, 2008 5:00 PM
You wanna know the really ironic thing? I'm killing myself with this gun for the same reason I bought the damn thing, because of my crippling inadequacy over my incredibly small penis.
Posted by: Apatheticnation | June 18, 2008 5:39 PM
"He!He! Unbeknownst to law enforcement, Gertrude knew her new hair-do, popularly hailed as the 'The Coffee-Pot', would cause her hubby Philbin to lose last touch with reality, and gun amok -- he!he!he!he!-- finally to take his life with a head-shot! There could be no suspicion of instigation--he!he!--no motive on the part of Gertrude...."
Posted by: Von Go | June 18, 2008 7:44 PM
"Wait! Hold on a sec! Where's your camera phone?"
Posted by: dwilk | June 18, 2008 9:37 PM
You're going bald. I'm a cunty trollop. But we must keep up this charade of a marriage for the press. They will be here at any moment. And for heaven's sake, don't shoot yourself in the head. Death makes you look old.
Posted by: Sparky | June 18, 2008 10:15 PM
"Why don't you come to bed and let me suffocate you with a pillow?"
Posted by: Richard H | June 18, 2008 10:59 PM
Stanley, your tie is askew.
Posted by: David R | June 19, 2008 1:09 AM
"You know how gun play turns me on, why don't you come show me what your pistol is really for."
Posted by: Brian L | June 19, 2008 2:29 AM
"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each."
Posted by: Justin A | June 19, 2008 3:05 AM
Hmmm, this is odd. I understand why the items made of glass that you shot would shatter, but why does the lampshade have a large shattered hole in it? Oh, silly me, I forgot that we replaced that lampshade with a ceramic one so that if it was shot it would be readily apparent what happened to anyone looking at this room from a fourth wall perspective.
Posted by: JJ | June 19, 2008 11:22 AM
"So you got caught ass-fucking a cub scout. Stop acting like its the end of the world."
Posted by: Zeke | June 19, 2008 1:05 PM
So we bought a duck couch! Big deal! Relax and get used to it, Howard! It's actually quite comfy!
Posted by: Walter Destiny | June 19, 2008 2:55 PM
Don't worry, they're still planning to open Whole Foods in Brooklyn, it's just delayed.
Posted by: Joe is back | June 19, 2008 3:15 PM
Honey, you're ruining the mood of our incest dungeon.
Posted by: Joe is back | June 19, 2008 3:18 PM
Calm down, he just won the Primary, there's still the general election to be had.
Posted by: Joe is back | June 19, 2008 3:22 PM
Beretta, you crazy bastard! How are you?
Posted by: kejo | June 19, 2008 4:57 PM
Before you kill yourself, tell me. Does this robe make my ass look big?
Posted by: SK | June 19, 2008 5:07 PM
Estelle was about to come over and have a sherry, but maybe it's not a good time. Or we can just stay in the kitchen.
Posted by: SK | June 19, 2008 5:15 PM
You'll still be an idiot. Except, you'll be a dead idiot.
Posted by: SK | June 19, 2008 5:21 PM
There's nothing wrong with your aim, it's just that you're brainless.
Posted by: Weller | June 19, 2008 5:31 PM
Your aim, Mr. Fefferson, is sickening.
Posted by: Erik | June 19, 2008 7:47 PM
"Did I mention that my mother will be coming to stay with us?"
Posted by: Greg | June 19, 2008 7:58 PM
"Happiness is a warm gun, Harold. Quick, get the vaseline!"
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | June 19, 2008 10:14 PM
"Jerry, you woke me up again! The least you could do is put a silencer on that thing."
Posted by: Glime | June 20, 2008 1:22 AM
"Steven, can I borrow that? My curling iron is on the fritz again."
Posted by: Glime | June 20, 2008 1:24 AM
“That’s better--shoot something I can replace.”
Posted by: dwilk | June 20, 2008 7:42 AM
"You should call the suicide hotline; I'm sure they'll be able to tell you how to do it."
"The chambermaid is at the door. I think she has a gun."
"Wait, are you Ozzie Nelson or Ozzie Osbourne? You guys are really hard to tell apart nowadays."
"It's okay, old man who represents America, McCain doesn't have a chance in the general!"
[apologies if any used before, no time to read them all. Seriously, 214? Y'alls know this isn't actually the New Yorker, right?]
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 20, 2008 10:15 AM
Oh no Hank! You're having one of your 'Nam flashbacks again aren't you! I'll call a psychiatrist right away. And while he's here maybe he can explain to me why I have this strange urge to wear an empty Kleenex box on my right foot.
Posted by: JJ | June 20, 2008 11:38 AM
"So you nicked the monster scaling the apartment building thing from Jack Kirby. Any fool knows it was an homage, not plagiarism!"
Posted by: J.D. | June 20, 2008 12:35 PM
"Rach called -- she says she needs us to pay for a new Mac. I told her we'd get her a Dell, it's half the price, but try explaining that to an 18-year old. It's got to be a Mac, she says. So I said I'd talk to you. Honestly, I think we've spoiled that girl."
Posted by: lemuel pitkin | June 20, 2008 12:53 PM
"I know you work at the Post Office, but you have completely misinterpreted "going postal."
Posted by: jim M | June 20, 2008 1:01 PM
"You're nothing special - just another self-loathing Jew."
Posted by: jim M | June 20, 2008 1:02 PM
"If you're intending to kill yourself, I don't understand why you shot up the living room first. That makes no sense."
Posted by: MCS | June 20, 2008 1:37 PM
Wouldn't this be a great time for a piece of rhubarb pie?
Posted by: not jane | June 20, 2008 1:43 PM
"Tell me, shit-for-brains, is there anything else in this room you want to shoot before you off yourself? Well?...I'm waiting!"
Posted by: al in la | June 20, 2008 1:50 PM
There's such game as Russian Solitaire
Posted by: Autogyro MacNabb | June 20, 2008 1:55 PM
There's no such game as Russian Solitaire
Posted by: Autogyro MacNabb | June 20, 2008 1:56 PM
If you think this is getting you out of sex you're dead wrong.
Posted by: Adam Johnson | June 20, 2008 2:01 PM
Since the death of her husband it has become apparent that Edith is no longer able to properly care for, her mentally challenged son.
Posted by: AJ | June 20, 2008 2:25 PM
You could have had a V8.
Posted by: crack | June 20, 2008 2:35 PM
Sheldon, are you sad because the dinosaur broke all our stuff or because he raped me?
Posted by: kevin blah | June 20, 2008 3:00 PM
I am going to fucking kill you if you don't clean up this mess.
Posted by: spiritrover | June 20, 2008 3:05 PM
Alright, alright I've proved it: Guns don't kill people, people kill people, at least most people.
Posted by: James Stone | June 20, 2008 3:51 PM
What? Another rejection letter from that Remnick asshole?
Posted by: David | June 20, 2008 4:01 PM
Forgotten Moments in History: Gerald Ford's ill-fated suicide attempt
Posted by: Tom S | June 20, 2008 4:08 PM
Don't do it. Don't let The Gays win.
Posted by: Patrick S | June 20, 2008 4:38 PM
"Middle-aged white men actually have one of the highest suicide rates of any demographic group, close to 30 per 100,000. Suicide rates are lower for teenagers, despite what most people think, and much lower for non-whites and for women. Does that you killing yourself better or even worse? Better, I guess. Yes, definitely better."
Posted by: lemuel pitkin | June 20, 2008 4:40 PM
Ronald! Really! The whole reason you're upset is because I called you an inept failure who never followed through on his promises! Don't you see I can never respect you in the morning if you're still alive?
Posted by: Jay ADams | June 20, 2008 4:41 PM
Does that make you killing yourself...
Posted by: lemuel pitkin | June 20, 2008 4:42 PM
Oh hurry up before someone important gets hurt.
Posted by: Doug T | June 20, 2008 4:43 PM
You can't kill yourself and your apartment is so small the front door opens directly into the living room. You are a failure, Glenn.
Posted by: Constantine | June 20, 2008 5:34 PM
But this isn't how 'The Crying Game' ends at all.
Posted by: Paul G. Brown | June 20, 2008 5:40 PM
I guess this is a bad time to ask if I can borrow some bullets.
Posted by: Andrew | June 20, 2008 6:05 PM
Breaking the flower vase is just not that big a deal, Tom!
Posted by: PQG | June 20, 2008 6:07 PM
"You draw cartoons for a living... can't you think of a better way to CRY FOR HELP"
Posted by: AJ | June 20, 2008 6:08 PM
Why are there paw prints on the sofa? That's just ... oh, wait, I see it now, those are bullet holes. Carry on.
Posted by: anonymous 37 | June 20, 2008 6:51 PM
Oh, you can go ahead, I got it working again, batteries were in wrong !
Posted by: Patrick | June 20, 2008 6:53 PM
"Just stopped by to shoot the shit, but I see you are ahead of me."
Posted by: GreenieStickemCaps | June 20, 2008 7:29 PM
"Do it outside. This is the living room."
Posted by: dwilk | June 20, 2008 8:36 PM
"You're stupid!"
Posted by: Kyle | June 20, 2008 10:08 PM
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Atlantic Records called in 1963. They want to sign your stupid band."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | June 20, 2008 11:38 PM
I'm sorry Harold. I'm just not ready to let you snort cocaine off my ass.
Posted by: andrew | June 21, 2008 1:51 AM
"Don't tell me, let me guess -- the Libertarian Party candidate didn't get elected president again this year?"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | June 21, 2008 2:01 AM
Maybe it's the booze talking, but fuck you, you fucking cunt.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | June 21, 2008 2:04 AM
George, I can't find my new bottle of lavender bath oil. Did you happpen to notice where I put it?
Posted by: Whyaduck | June 21, 2008 2:57 AM
I have a huuuuge erection.
Posted by: fluiterses | June 21, 2008 5:34 AM
"I'm leaving you for Kurt Cobain. At least he has a passion for life, and he swears he doesn't have a gun."
Posted by: Courtney | June 21, 2008 8:37 AM
"Oh Chester, this is how those affairs started too!"
"Marge, it's just like the New Yorker cartoon contest."
Posted by: Joel Jacobs | June 21, 2008 11:23 AM
The police are here...the neighbours are complaining about the noise.
Posted by: SvN | June 21, 2008 12:48 PM
"Get real ! Since we're talking low-velocity 'dum-dums' here, that lamp on the table should positively have been turned over. Face it, 'the creator' (whoever the fuck he is !) doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground when it comes to ballistics !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 21, 2008 1:57 PM
If you can't go through with it, you're supposed to just slit your wrists, for chrissakes!
Posted by: Andrew Payne | June 21, 2008 3:49 PM
Well, they've escaped. God, we're terrible foster parents.
Posted by: Andrew Payne | June 21, 2008 3:57 PM
OK, OK! I will try anal sex!
Posted by: S0C7 | June 21, 2008 5:10 PM
With all this gunfire, you're just lucky you didn't get hurt.
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:30 PM
The police are here. One of the neighbors called after they heard the shots.
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:33 PM
Henry, just because you have Parkinson's disease, that's no reason to commit suicide.
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:36 PM
Wow, that's some really bad shooting!
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:38 PM
What is it now?
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:40 PM
Could you please keep it down? I'm trying to sleep!
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 21, 2008 5:44 PM
"Give me that gun! You'll get it back after you've cleaned up this mess, and not a minute sooner, mister!"
Posted by: Mike | June 21, 2008 7:02 PM
"Is taking out the trash really that bad?"
Posted by: Mike | June 21, 2008 7:03 PM
"It's run out of bullets because YOU SUCK AT SHOOTING"
Posted by: Matt B | June 21, 2008 7:48 PM
"What the hell are you doing with my Charlton Heston sex toy???"
Posted by: Walter | June 21, 2008 10:02 PM
"Budd Dwyer actually put the gun in his mouth, not next to his head. Get it right this time."
Posted by: Anonymous McGee | June 21, 2008 10:14 PM
"I know, the new Weezer album is terrible, isn't it?"
Posted by: Anonymous McGee | June 21, 2008 10:15 PM
"OK, John. I've given up the pills. I've stopped stealing. And you can call me cunt and trollop as much as you want. Now will you just put the gun down and get ready for tonight's fundraiser?"
Posted by: Richard H | June 21, 2008 10:21 PM
"Why, Harold? Please, can you just tell me: Why?"
Posted by: Jeffrey Kramer | June 22, 2008 12:00 AM
"Well you may be happy to know you just set a new anti-caption record: 275 shots...Now how is Mr. Radosh supposed to pick through this mess?"
Posted by: al in la | June 22, 2008 12:07 AM
"Suicide is aimless."
Posted by: Loke | June 22, 2008 4:07 AM
All the box office handicappers think this weekend was "Get Smart" vs. "The Love Guru." But I'm putting my money on "Mongol." Theater owners are expecting literal *hordes* . . .
Posted by: Roger Kaputnik | June 22, 2008 8:56 AM
Don't look so sad, Gus. The damage from the hurricane could have been worse. At least you found our gun. Hey, let's go shoot some looters!
Posted by: Jimby | June 22, 2008 9:41 AM
Who taught you to shoot, Michael J. Fox?
Posted by: Oren U | June 22, 2008 11:41 AM
Well then Harold, I can see the depression brought about from your failured career as an interior decorator and mob hitman have combined in a fitting final tableau.
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 22, 2008 3:52 PM
Ok, I'm going to close this door like I didn't see a thing. I'm going downstairs and put on some tea and by the time it boils I expect to hear one more shot followed by the thud of a body. Harold! Are you even listening to me?
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 22, 2008 3:59 PM
Have you seen my gu-- Oh, never mind.
Posted by: Hugh Jass | June 22, 2008 4:21 PM
M. Night Shyamalan presents The Happening: The New Yorker Cartoon
Posted by: David F | June 22, 2008 5:42 PM
"Who taught you to shoot, Michael J. Fox?" —Oren U
I feel bad for laughing so loudly at this.
Posted by: Brian L | June 23, 2008 2:03 AM