June 9, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Bonus

I went ahead and put last week's contest out of its misery without realizing that the New Yorker is taking the week off, so there's no new contest.

To hold you over, here's a 1956 New Yorker cartoon by Alain. Submit your worst captions as usual, although this time there's no judging. The actual caption will be revealed next week, unless some kill-joy decides to look it up and post it first.


Original caption: "Young men, you’ve now reached the age when it is essential that you know the rites and rituals, the customs and taboos of our island. Rather than go into them in detail, however, I’m simply going to present each of you with a copy of this excellent book by Margaret Mead."

Posted by Daniel Radosh


To help you transition into adulthood, may I present "Are You There, God? It's Me, Bodobobo."

"I hope you don't mind - I brought along a dozen teenage savages."

"Blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah, Margaret Mead."

"Welcome, Yale class of 1968 graduates!"

"Please come forward and get your bible, after which we'll be cutting off a part of your dick. I'm not kidding."

"...and that's why even though the bible says fondling young boys is a sin I get to do it anyway. Questions?"

"Each and every one of you has completed the Turban Heads' trials with distinction, and is hereby promoted to 'The Middle Passage'....whatever that is."

It's called "To Serve Man". It's a cookbook. Because we're cannibals.

No winner? WHY BOTHER.

"Pubescent Provisional Warriors of the Bongo Tribe, you few who refused to fail, who characters determined you never to be left behind, I present you with author-signed first editions of MY PET GOAT, a story once so engrossing to the President Madison in America that he could not for whole minutes put it down, even while the British forces pressed their attack into the city of Washington, D.C. ! ....Enjoy."

South Carolina in the very, very early days.

[Also: anyone referencing "MY pet Goat" on radosh.net should be banned for a period of not less than 30 days.]

See, white man OK. He give us paper for caca.

"You have done something really special here, Class of '56, something for which you may well be remembered even fifty, fifty-two years out --and so I am presenting you with whatever the hell these are, something left behind by two white kids on bicycles.... in white dress- shirt....headed (he! he!)for Land of Headhunters. ..Enjoy."

"Learn this Koran well. Someday one of you will become president of the infidels and then the terrorists will win. God is great!"

"And this is what we call a remainder. The book is "Rapture Ready."

"Someone needs to 'fess up -- who left all these Bibles here?"

"The black one."

"'ll be happy to sign copies of my new book, 'How to Become Old and Fat in Forty Easy Years.'"

"OMG. That guy is gaaaaaaaaay. He may make some good points, but I'm having trouble seeing it through all of the gayness."

[With reference to the proposed ban of not less than 30 days for mentioners of MY PET GOAT on radosh.net, I should think such a penalty to be rather draconian, particularly in view of the 'no-win' situation obtaining here this week.... and in Iraq forever. And, hey, there's still a Second Amendment, right ? ]

"Our rebel army leaders stole all the food that was sent here by the UN relief fund and kept it for themselves. All we have to give you children to eat is these books. I am sorry."

"Agatha Christie has written a book about you boys. It is called "Ten Little N****rs."

"What? I have my pants on backwards? Damn it!"

"You won't eat these books? My pet goat would eat them!"

[re: My 'My Pet Goat' defense a few captions above : Oops ! First Amendment ! Hey, I make mistakes...but not on foreign policy, or domestic security.]

“Guys, as you know from Bible class, the apostles would often wrestle naked…."

"Who ordered the ham and swiss?"

"Thanks for coming out to the reading. Afterwards I'll be available for questions and I'd be more than happy to sign your copies of 'Liberal Fascism' personally. And if you want to buy extras for gifts [they make great gifts] I brought along plenty."

"It's a dating guide and a cookbook all in one. It's called 'My Pet Goat.'"
[In solidarity with the brave caption contestants of plucky Denmark]

"On the internet no one knows you're Adlai Stevenson."

"OK, the next book is for Jango Fett. Jango, please step forward . . . "

"Harriet Beecher Stowe, most kind American white lady, presenting we first generation Liberia signed copy her 'UNCLE TOM'S CABIN'-- P.S. us be 'viglant'( sic !) and careful. ....Enjoy !"

"Warriors-- Chief Bushmens speakee (sic)! Here we most up-date 'Tribal Intelligence Estimate' (TIE) evil plans Headhunter Tribes--they cannibal plus ! Read 'throughly' (sic!)..... Not enjoy."

Little publicized first meeting of John McCain and Barak Obama.

"Before Pipi gets here I'd like you all to familiarize yourselves with her original adventures at Villa Villekulla"

(and sorry about spelling error our dear leaders first name in the last post!)

It is now your responsibility to give these recipe books to our Chinese prisoners. The title? Why "!Kung POW Cooking", of course.

We need to read this book so that we may feel shame for our lack of clothing, our polytheism, our carefree idylic lifestyle, and our innocence.

"And so, as it was when I spoke, so it was when I wrote 'Old Jihads Never Why, They Just Blaze Away'. Al-Nasra, yours ....Ben-Laden, Ben-Laden ? Anyone seen Ben-Laden ?"

"Those missionaries were delicious, weren't they? Here are their books. Take them if you like."

"Hey, let's be careful out there."

[as a citizen of Denmark, signatory to 'the coalition of the willing', I take offense at any remark, on or off radosh.net which might tend to suggest we here in Denmark are not fully as "brave" or "plucky" as the citizens of any other country in the world ! ... Harrumph ! That was rotten !]

"They call us the last uncontacted South American tribe. Still, read this new Barbara Walters' book and tell me it's not self-serving tripe."

[ Hey ! What's that no doubt slighting reference above, to Adlai Stevenson, all about ?! Don't forget, it was 'Adlai' stood up to the Soviets at the U.N. with his 'until hell freezes over' rejointer, remark which will live in history, unlike most such 'ad hominem' attack-captions (except mine !)are fated to do ! .....Jeez ! Spendthrift 'Conservatives' !]

Prophecy say, great caption writers soon be born in far away lands. Will have great magic to talk to all world. Will one day bring meaning to our lives. Will be big disappointment.

This book reveals how to please women sexually. It's too dark to see the writing, and we're all illiterate anyhow. So, basically, we're in the same boat as today's Americans.

Okay, who gets the cookbooks and who gets the headhunting manuals? With those beatnik haircuts, and our ritual breast-amputation practices, I can hardly tell the boys from the girls any more.

"Darfurian youth ! Latest unsettling 'ethnic violence estimate'(EVE), shaman 'Nota-dramus' instructing all youth, 'gather ye poppies while ye may' ! Sound like a bit of the old genocide, bit of the old de-population to you, gentlemen ? ....Anyway, here's his EVE ! You'll know what to do."

"I hope you enjoyed our discussion here at Africa With Colonial Borders Bookstore. The Cristian god couldn't be here today but the skipper from Gilligan's island will be happy to sign His book for you."

"You know, every day's a good day when you've got a big dick."

"Who wants these surplus copies of Howard Stern's Private Parts?"

"Boys, we must prepare ourselves for the future. Pretend my penis is a light-bulb."

"Okay, where are all the white women... or any women for that matter?!?"

"The missionaries left these books. I never really cared for the missionaries... so you may do as I did... and eat the vegetables."

"I sold the village for this black rectangle with white leaves inside. I got a better price than the Indians did for Manhattan!"

"Take these dictionaries please and look up the words xenophobic, arrogant, racist, smug, parasitic, decadent, pasty ..."

"You boys have been spending far too much time playing video games. So we're giving you each a book."

"So a monkey walks into a bar with a half eaten parrot hanging out of its mouth..."
[The man never finishes the joke. An errant hellfire missile hits the hut and incinerates everyone is this tableau, which is fairly typical]

"The missionary from the Potterites was here, and he left us their Bible. Something about a sorcerer's stone."

"Book 'em, Danno!

"Boys, you're at that age when your bodies will be undergoing lots of changes. We're giving you each a book which will explain it to you."

Guys, we did it. You can put your clothes back on. We were featured on Radosh.net, so we finally got our XO laptops. Just remember, you are the barristers for the deposed King of Zimbabwe ...

"It is 1956. Twenty years from now you and your children in the African subcontinent will be vaccinated for smallpox by emissaries of the World Health Organization. Shortly thereafter millions will sicken and die from a new disease called AIDS, 14,000 of whom will be Haitian nationals, who will return to their home country and spread the disease among their fellow countrymen and women, and among vacationing gay men from the United States. Noted scientists will acknowledge the strong possiblity of a connection between the vaccination program and the ensuing pandemic. Twenty years after that investment cartels from economic superpower nations will swoop in and buy up our fertile farmland for a song as food prices spike worldwide."

1956: Academy Awards. (Photogravure of the announcement of Picture of the Year)

We used to look like men and smoke boxes of cigars. You've come a long way, baby! Virginia Slims.

Psst... Stinky Fat Bear! You think we should have asked for pretty beads instead of free book from Mead lady? Me can't read.

"This primitive underwear is tickling my tush."

"In the year 2008, underneath this same cartoon redundant waning, (or is it waxing?)......crescent moon, one of you will carry a large cartoon bomb into a dinner party in cartoon Manhattan. God speed, and read the book if you'd like, it's about Christian pop culture, or something."

"Your test results have came back, and I have to admit in my jubilation I snuck a peak at all your results! Congratulations! You all have AIDS!"

"Yes, I am the famous openly-gay Bishop from New Hampshire and this is my civil partner. Can we please get past that and start this meeting of the Rajon Rondo lookalike fan club ?"

Mr McGuire:
I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Are you listening?

Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire:

Just how do you mean that, sir?

(Mr McGuire:
I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Are you listening?

Yes, I am.

Mr. McGuire:

Just how do you mean that, sir? )


"You think it's easy to play percussion on a stack of Day Planners? Let's see you do it, you bunch of "Apocalypse Now"
extra rejects!!"

"Who ordered the ham and Schweitzer on rye?"

"Inside you'll find my favorite recipe for Michaels Rockefeller."

"In Denmark no one knows you're Adlai Stevenson, you fuck."

"Mr. Kurtz, he open floor to questions."

"People in grass houses shouldn't stow 'Thrones' by Danielle Steele, so I'm giving you each a copy from my hoard."

"Me thinkum 'Punch' had better racist cartoons but Brendan Gil send free copies of new memoir so book club readum that."

"Since I'm the only one with internet access, I've collected this weeks most important blogs in these 15 books. I want you to give me hand written comments to the posts, so the authors can see what our views on the different matters are."

"Bound in the finest Corinthian leather they are of course not, stalwart graduates ! ...Would you believe hides of my pet goats ?"

"They're twice as fast. And half the price."

Cap Posted by: Walt June 9, 2008 05:13 PM:
"This book reveals how to please women sexually. It's too dark to see the writing, and we're all illiterate anyhow. So, basically, we're in the same boat as today's Americans."


"The how-to books here are obscene."

"Sorry to interrupt your circle jerk, boys, but I think you'll find these Belgian chocolates better than cumming and obesity better than longevity."

"We, the Tribe of Men with Five Penises, have been visited by Christian missionaries. They have given us each a pair of trousers which they promise will fit us like a glove. Ba-doom-boom."

"Now that you all finished giving up all your belongings, including your clothes, let me present you with the holy book of god, together with a registered cupon to your own piece of land in the moon"

Having run out of smallpox-infested blankets, Lord Jeffrey Amherst distributes smallpox-infested hand towel gift sets to the natives.

"These themed Bar-Mitzvah parties are getting progressively out of hand. In any case, here are some new tefellin embossed with 'Happy Bar-Mitvah Bernie' on the straps."

"Darfurian remnant ! Over the course of your lives, you will come to learn of many other tragic instances of political injustice in this world ! To keep our present misery in perspective, you have the choice today between either Alan Paton's CRY, THE BELOVED COUNTRY, or Steve Freeman and Joel Bleifuss's WAS THE 2004 ELECTION STOLEN ?. .... So congratulations ! Remember the days of MY PET GOAT --ha!ha ?"

"Du nak ka lam na te': tom bak se kan-kan pra dun tak na 'bie bull', sik pra."

(Translation: "We have been given two options: replace our traditional creation myths with the ones in this 'bible', or die.")

With fronds like these, who needs enemas?

Hey, 3rd Row, move forward so I can better see your eager faces. Alain has nearly abstracted you out of existence.

" Enclosed are Ace bandages to be applied following your ritual circumcision by Dr.Kuturkochoff. "

"A slight misunderstanding has delayed the distribution until after moonrise, as you may have noticed, kids-- sorry ! These are 'teaching aids'(otherwise known as books), gifts from A.I.D., more fully known as the Agency for International Development in the great U.S.of A. Eleanor Roosevelt and-- you know, Adlai Stevenson, were big supporters. ... So learn, O.K. ? "

"Please tell your American "uncles" that our website is now subscription-only."

"Hillary requests that you support Barack Obama with the same passion you brought to her campaign."

"I'm giving each of you a book. Apparently Americans have no use for them any more."

"If you have any questions about our tribe's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy, please see page 75."

"Even though there will be no winner this week, we respectfully ask that you adhere to Radosh's five-submissions-per-person policy, which has served us well since 1956."

Everyone should read this book--with the possible exception of Stephen Baldwin.

Does anyone have a betamax player?

At least I know I won't end up on dateline here.

"You are right, I have always known about man. From the evidence, I believe his wisdom must walk hand and hand with his idiocy. His emotions must rule his brain. He must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, even himself."

"Now that you're all bar mitzvahs, it's time that you got your very own torahs, each autographed by Woody Allen and Mel Brooks, both of whom will be a lot more famous in a few years. Let me hear you say 'oy!'"

Boy, this is rich, we're standing here dormant for 52 years waiting for some intelligentsia spawn of the white devil to come up with something super witty for this cartoon. Whoopee, a new caption for this old cartoon. Don't worry about us, we'll be fine, assholes. Yea, Africa will be one big party after you leave.

"In the event that this depiction of scantly clad teenage boys may one day raise issues of morality and good taste, I want you each to look like you're reading a book."

Grow a penis.
Spiro Agnew

It's the latest in the "Left Behind" series although I don't know what the big deal is. Left behind, right behind, it's all good when you have no women.

"I'm showing you these so there's no mistake - these are the books we want you NOT to read. You hear me? Don't even crack the spine. They're filthy and immoral. They were published by ISP Publishers."

"It's the train schedule for the Dean Acheson, Topeka and the Santa Fe... Geez, tough room. You guys would have laughed if Mort Sahl had said it."

"Before I hand out the scores, the producers of 'South Pacific' have asked me to explain some ground rules. You will receive 50 American cents per performance, minus living expenses, which will be held for you until the conclusion of the run. You will not leave the shipping container during non-performance hours for any reason. If you are seen talking with representatives of Actors Equity, your families will be killed. But above all, have fun with it. Are there any questions?"

bldfixznmid kfjkjfeind! boola, blooha. mxminoximary.okay?

"Since the introduction of the Boeing 707 last month, I've been able to spread this bullshit twice as fast."

"Zanzibarian youth ! Misters Hope and Crosby have wished to compensate us in a small way for the great disappoinment we had that their greatest 'Road' movie could not be produced here in Zanzibar, on-location. They apologize for 'this unavoidable delay of 15 years, until now in 1956'. They hold out hope, 'once rural electrification is achieved in your land, it may just be possible for you there in Zanzibar to enjoy the movie as well as the book--good luck on that !'. So come get your novels."

Welcome initiates! (coughs)Here is your honorary copy of the American bestseller, 'Peyton Place.'
(to assistant: And they call us the Dark Continent!?)

"My many sons, your mothers will be happy to know I finally have received the birth control contraceptives I ordered 13 years ago!"

"Hey, stop drumming and answer me this, Oobah... When you look out at the tribe's many youth doesn't it feel like you are young again?.. but lost in a house of mirrors?"

Here's the idear. You take one of these and you sneak up, really quiet and slow up on some old sleeping zebra or antelope, see? An when you get really close you take this and you say WHAP, up the side of the head. Got it?
(And they call us the dark continent)

I was about to relate something to Hitler as cautionary tale for tribesman but me afraid of Radosh and his crony Professor Goodwin.

Here's the idear. You take one of these and you sneak up, really quiet and slow like on some old zebra or antelope, see? An when you get really close you go WHAP, up the side of the head.

(And they call us the dark continent)

Welcome Congo Community College Graduates, class of '56. Please accept your holy bibles. May you not stare at the pages in vain. Your caps and diplomas were destroyed by water buffalo. For all the ways I've failed you as a teacher, I am truly sorry.

Welcome to the book signing. So sorry the author couldn't make it. (Belch) Eh, Motumbo, do you have that auto-pen?

I present you with copies of the late Ms. Coulter's hilarious book about liberals. Hey, did she taste funny?

This fine statue of a pedophile organizing his smut tapes going once! Going twice! Sold to this group of identical dodecatuplets!

Books made of cocaine.....very sneaky. You'll getting raises for this.

"Please read 'How to Get Ugly and Old' by next week. There will be a quiz."

"As one of the first tribes involved in the fledgling ‘Cannibal Christians’ movement, I'd like you each to have a copy of this new book along with a replica of author's trademark pink shirt."

"Gentlemen, submit your worst captions as usual, although this time there's no judging."

"It's an Obama sock monkey, but it does lok like each of you - because we all look alike."

"We're looking for a few good men who can rebound, defend in the paint and score in the clutch."

"This month's book is Auntie Mame, by Patrick Dennis. We'll discuss it on the first Monday of next month, as per our custom. The meal shall be potluck, and I shall supply enough coconut milk for everyone!"

"If you read it's contents you will be told of a great story... a child with a father from above... how this child uses his supernatural powers to help... his desire to make this place a better one... and in this issue, his arch-rival Lex Luthor almost wins!"

"This book will tell you the future. You don't know Ronald Reagan, the actor, but guess what - the United States will elect him president and he will be a mediocre and disconnected leader who falls asleep during meetings, and when he dies everyone will look back at him with rose-colored glasses because things will have really gone to shit when he dies. But I digress - Oh, just don't worry too much when Y2K comes."

Make sure you take care of these bibles, because I had to eat a shitload of Gideons to get them.

. . . so I ask her, "Ubangi?" She says "You betcha!"

When you get to America, every one of you -- yes, you too, Shorty -- will be playing the pivot, on the block with your back to the basket. Now here's your guide to what's known as the "triangle offense."

"Each of you only gets one book-shaped muffin."

"And when the white man tells you to lift up your skirt and bend over, you have to do it or God will be angry. It says so right here in this book. Okay, everybody, the ship leaves in three minutes."

This month, instead of food, the Americans have sent us four hundred signed copies of "The Right Man : An Inside Account of the Bush White House" by David Frum.

I SAID... WHO wants to be circumcised FIRST?!!!

...that Faye Dunaway has some really nice breasts doesn't she.

So, we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. Anybody want to see second prize?
Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're fired.

"Oh, Jesus. Are they the niggers or are we the niggers?"

Christ, what an asshole!

Sorry, we're all out of pickles but these here are almost as salty.

Free Bibles for anyone who wants them. Spoiler alert: there is no God.

Here's a book to read while you wait for me to cut off your foreskin.

"So Central Casting called. They said we weren't 'savage' enough. To address this, I want you all to have a copy of 'I Am Sambo,' and then proceed to Mbembe's hut for nasal bone insertion."

"The U.S. government has not only offered to build us that well, but they've chosen to give you boys free medical treatment in the fine city of Tuskegee."

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