The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #149
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Good Morning. I have an IM from Kaitlyn: 'IMHO you should wear that cute power-blue top today with your white shirt...I'm hearng that Tyler likes Ashley, but she is so not interested...Didn't Morgan look fat yesterday in that hideous outfit? I'm like: What were you thinking, girl?...Oh, and please get your computer fixed. My mom's starting to bitch that this costs too much. (She's such a Drama Queen)...See ya at school!'" —al in la
Finalists
"I'm telling you, lady! Millions of lives are in danger unless you unzip my front pouch, reach in, and pull the lever! Hurry, it's a national emergency!" —kejo
"Thanks for directions to the air show, prostitute." —David John
Comments
"This surge is working. I'm John McCain and I approve this message."
Posted by: Richard H | June 2, 2008 10:13 AM
That's an ugly bathrobe.
Posted by: WillM | June 2, 2008 10:21 AM
“Uh, hi. Was that dog yours?”
Posted by: Deborah | June 2, 2008 10:32 AM
“Wow, what a kick. I just soared 20,000 feet into the air, carried by hundreds of helium balloons. Nothing selfish about that. Anyway, can I use your bathroom?”
Posted by: Deborah | June 2, 2008 10:33 AM
"I shouldn't be able to stand still with this rocket on my back. However, the ugliness you display when you're in your bathrobe and curlers is an equally strong, opposing force, and both working at once allow me to keep upright."
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 10:34 AM
“Hey, you curl your hair your way, and I’ll do it mine.”
Posted by: dwilk | June 2, 2008 10:34 AM
I'm sorry to bother you this early in the -- good God, woman! Close that robe!
Posted by: kejo | June 2, 2008 10:39 AM
It's a success! Junior and I have learned to exhibit flatulence in unison! Just watch our anal vapor... (fart) (fart)
Posted by: kejo | June 2, 2008 10:40 AM
We were sent in to rape and pillage but...never mind.
Posted by: LK | June 2, 2008 10:43 AM
Oh for crying out loud..I go to a lot of trouble for these afternoon quickies...you think you could make an little effort here? Geez!
Posted by: simsburybear | June 2, 2008 10:49 AM
"I'm going to say this again: I did NOT have sexual relations with that giant cauliflower. But for God's sake, would you please call me a fucking ambulance!"
Posted by: Ben M | June 2, 2008 10:53 AM
I'm telling you, lady! Millions of lives are in danger unless you unzip my front pouch, reach in, and pull the lever! Hurry, it's a national emergency!
Posted by: kejo | June 2, 2008 10:55 AM
"Seeing as how you're obviously NOT appreciating the story of Jehovah and the `good news', I shall now blast off and return to our Gary, Indiana headquarters. But the copy of The Watchtower is yours to keep."
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 10:58 AM
As a professional parachutist returning home after a long day of parachuting, it seems somewhat ironic that I should be saddled with a wife who takes so little care to make herself attractive and presentable when her husband returns home from work. I am also wearing a fanny pack.
Posted by: Jeremiah | June 2, 2008 11:11 AM
"What, honey, you don't recognize me after all these years? It's me - D.B. Cooper!"
Posted by: Vance | June 2, 2008 11:12 AM
"Worst. Jet Pack. Ever."
"Miss, can you please help - there's a ferocious capybara attached to my back and it's farting like the bejesus!"
Posted by: Vance | June 2, 2008 11:13 AM
"Honey, I've gotta be honest - right now I look like the fuckin' Don Juan of sexual role play compared to the effort you're dialing in here."
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 11:13 AM
"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Also by the one I'm looking at now, hint, hint."
Posted by: Vance | June 2, 2008 11:15 AM
"Hello, ma'am. I've captured your lost shrubbery."
Posted by: Francis | June 2, 2008 11:20 AM
"I have a sad story to tell you. It might hurt your feelings a bit. My backpack has got two big nozzles, which shoot out two wide streams of -- shaaaa-ving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!"
Posted by: Francis | June 2, 2008 11:23 AM
"*bleeeeeep*"
Posted by: Brian L | June 2, 2008 11:23 AM
"You wanted a paralegal?"
Posted by: Francis | June 2, 2008 11:29 AM
" Jeezum ! Where you think, Gladys ? From a plane....spelled P-L-A-N-E, by the way, not P-L-A-I-N, as in 'P-L-A-I-N of existe...' --no, wait, 'P-L-A-N-E (same's an aircraft) of existence' ! My bad ! I've been reading too many misspelled caption entries -- 'finalists', too ! -- in Radosh's contest lately. ....So how about a little something quick before I return to Iraq, 'hottie' ?"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 2, 2008 11:30 AM
"Good day, good Madam. And might I add: Geronimo!"
Posted by: Chris | June 2, 2008 11:49 AM
"Fart Patrol!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 2, 2008 11:52 AM
"Ta da ! In the long tradition of the Bush lineage (skipping the sibling who shall go unnamed here), JEB Bush reporting from duty in Iraq, honey."
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 11:54 AM
"Hi, Rick James, it's me, Evel Knievel. Back in 1974 you said if I was ever in the neighborhood I should drop in. So..."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 2, 2008 11:56 AM
"Good morning? Jesus, lady, it's 2 o'clock. Do I have to remind you every day to get up in the morning and put some damn clothes on? Get off your lazy bum, and find a summer job. It's already going to be pretty difficult since you've waited this long."
Posted by: ben c | June 2, 2008 12:12 PM
"Well, honey, while you and your 'gal pals' were out wasting your time on that Sex and the City movie, me and Eddie rented The Bucket List. By the way, Eddie's dead."
Posted by: Richard H | June 2, 2008 12:20 PM
"During these late spri.. , no, uh, early summer days, it is of especial importance to wear these state-of-the-art, UV-protective glasses during drops, to ward against cataracts....or was that macular degeneration ? Anyway, it was so thoughtful of McCain to finally supply us airborne with these ! .... OLD flyboy, you know."
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 12:23 PM
"Mission accomplished."
Posted by: Richard H | June 2, 2008 12:29 PM
"I can't stay long, I've got to shoot off. Shoot off. 'chute off. Geddit?"
Posted by: Dave W | June 2, 2008 12:31 PM
"Oh, Hon, I tried to tell you. Fanny packs look ridiculous on everyone--even paratroopers."
Posted by: Nathan D | June 2, 2008 12:45 PM
"Your udder-j.. , uh, gutter job (sorry!) has been completed, Mme. Van Falkenberg."
Posted by: Sam L. | June 2, 2008 12:46 PM
"Hello, I'm Joe Roberts, PFC. I understand you've worn an MIA bracelet with my name on it since 1968. Funny story...."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 2, 2008 12:48 PM
Hi, Leia. Remember when you said "Into the garbage chute, Flyboy"? Well, drop that robe and bend over.
Posted by: therblig | June 2, 2008 12:50 PM
"Hi, I'm Tim Conway. This would be funnier if Harvey Korman were alive."
"Coffee always makes me feel jumpy."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 2, 2008 12:51 PM
"Honey, I'm home."
Posted by: Tim H | June 2, 2008 12:56 PM
"I had to wear something which would distract from this ridiculous-looking helmet."
Posted by: Kathy H | June 2, 2008 12:57 PM
"You're pretty attractive from the neck sideways."
Posted by: dwilk | June 2, 2008 12:58 PM
"Mrs. 'Jughead', I presume ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 2, 2008 1:05 PM
I'm not the man you think I am at all. No no no no. I'm a rocket man. Rocket man.
Posted by: Walt | June 2, 2008 1:13 PM
I suppose I could make a joke about being in drag, since I'm wearing a parachute and air resistance is a layman's term used to describe drag. But that wouldn't be funny, or witty, or even droll. So, can I just use your bathroom?
Posted by: therblig | June 2, 2008 1:17 PM
"Martha, give up the jello wrestling life and elope with me tonight."
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 2, 2008 1:18 PM
"I was not a crook....leastways, no where near to Bush !"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 2, 2008 1:26 PM
"I just flew in from Chicago, boy are my arms tired!"
Posted by: Gibran | June 2, 2008 1:41 PM
"Barack, I just had that stupid D.B. Cooper dream again last night. That makes three D.B. Cooper dreams this week. What could it mean?"
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 2, 2008 1:43 PM
"I was just passing through the neighborhood, when I noticed your distinctive windows. At least I think they're windows, are they paintings? Oddly framed prints? Whatever, what I'm getting at is I landed on your car. I don't have insurance either."
Posted by: Gibran | June 2, 2008 1:46 PM
Woman: This isn't what I expected when they said they'd deliver it through airmail.
Man: Actually Ma'am, I'm here to inform you that your husband died in the line of service. His last wish was that I tell his wife wearing this paratrooper outfit. He thought it would make the news easier to bare, considering how much you love parachutes and all.
Posted by: Gibran | June 2, 2008 1:56 PM
"Arkansas ! Yep, 'nav' got that right !"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 2, 2008 1:56 PM
"Vote for McCain, it's important ! ....And, yeah, this here's 'black budget' "
Posted by: Sam L. | June 2, 2008 2:08 PM
"Those curlers are hot. The ones on your head too."
Posted by: J.D. | June 2, 2008 2:16 PM
"Flying rape man!"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | June 2, 2008 2:52 PM
"I'm sorry lady, but your house is in a no-fly zone."
Posted by: dwilk | June 2, 2008 2:59 PM
"Mrs. Johnson, there has been a terrible accident. I'm so sorry."
Posted by: Clambone | June 2, 2008 3:11 PM
" 'Knockers', Madge ! And I ain't talking new door-knockers, neither ! Jeez, come home to this ?!"
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 3:47 PM
"I've finished blowing your leaves, Mrs. Henderson. Should I take a look at that bush now?"
Posted by: Richard H | June 2, 2008 3:52 PM
"Excuse me, ma'am, did a seeing-eye dog blow past here a few minutes ago?"
Posted by: Richard H | June 2, 2008 3:53 PM
"What, your 'lord of creation' couldn't give you any better 'yard-work', lady ? Swing-set, maybe little stick-kid ...uh, sticky kid and dog ? You laugh ?! Fuck, 'bout missed my drop-zone -- no landmarks ! -- Better off dead ! Matter of fact, he is ! .... Yeah, new 'fallen in action' experiment, ma'm ! 'McInsane' idea ! Have a nice day."
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 4:34 PM
"Excuse me. I was supposed to fly into the stadium for a ball game, but my jet pack seems to be malfunctioning. Could I use your phone? I will shut off the jet pack completely before entering, so that the exhaust does not harm your carpet."
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 4:42 PM
"The aerodynamics here are obscene."
Posted by: Tim H | June 2, 2008 4:47 PM
Helen, this story will curl your...oh..."
Posted by: Kathy H | June 2, 2008 4:49 PM
"Whoa ! That Alzheimer's has gotten on since last furlough, granma ! But shucks, someone has to protect the homeland, now don't they ?! ....Hell, you wouldn't know ?! Damn shame, come to the d... ! Doris ! Doris !"
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 4:56 PM
"May I interest you in a fanny pack? I must tell you, however, that the parachute is extra."
Posted by: Tim H | June 2, 2008 5:01 PM
[pitch pipe] "HELLO! I'm Fly-ing, Sing-ing Tel-e-gram Man, and I'm here to say, that someone has a special message for you today! Let's see...it's from Kevin, and he says he's sorry you're such an ugly bitch with small tits and big feet, and that he's been screwing his secretary for five years now. And...there's more here...that the house you won from him in the divorce has termites. He also hopes you have a good life and that, if you have any telegram needs in the future, to be sure to call Fly-ing, Sing-ing Tel-e-gram Man! That's all. Can I launch off from your back yard?"
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 5:03 PM
"Got any scissors?"
Posted by: Kathy H | June 2, 2008 5:05 PM
(Damn ! What's that question mark doing after "Hell, you wouldn't know !", above ? Damn,damn,damn !)
Posted by: Von Go | June 2, 2008 5:08 PM
"I just machine-gunned my family to death and boy are my arms tired! Can I use your phone?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 2, 2008 5:10 PM
"Sorry. This `super-fast' pizza delivery service is new, and I dropped your order on the way here. It fell into an inner city street, and a bunch of starving kids ran after it. They were then hit by a car, and two of them died at the scene. It's not your fault, and I don't want you to feel bad. But, if you hadn't told us to hurry up with your pizza...just something to think about. Anyway, here are some coupons."
Posted by: Damon | June 2, 2008 5:17 PM
"So what's for dinner?"
Posted by: Trine | June 2, 2008 5:22 PM
Bought it on eBay from a Bear Stearns executive. They say it's made out of gold.
Posted by: Phil | June 2, 2008 5:29 PM
"I told you carpooling with a pilot was a bad idea."
"Can Fan Man come out to play?"
"Hi, I'm your parachuting gigolo. Shall we get to busi - Could you take those damn things out of your hair? My job is gonna be hard enough with your Rosie O'Donnell good looks..."
Posted by: MAtt | June 2, 2008 6:08 PM
"Don't judge me until you walk a mile in my 'chute."
"Ooh-la-la! This violation of the Third Amendment just took a turn for the sex-y!"
Posted by: Jangler | June 2, 2008 6:16 PM
" 'Rapist Sector of the International Brotherhood of Terrorists', American lady ! ....Dibs on the front, Al-shabazz ! 'Better to settle for that whereof we know than to pry in what we know not of ' -- or something like that : Shakespeare ! Good English, not ? ...Let's roll, 'shabazz' !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 2, 2008 6:25 PM
" Jehovah's Witness! Would you like to subscribe to DA WATCHATOWER? "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | June 2, 2008 6:36 PM
" Pardon me. 101st Airborne. Would you happen to have any spare toilet paper? "
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | June 2, 2008 6:54 PM
"I saved a buncha money by not flying into JFK." [Fart]
Posted by: Foghorn Legroom | June 2, 2008 7:02 PM
"I am heroic Moslem freedom-fighter whose parachute neglected to deploy in heroic hijacking attempt ! Prepare yourself, maiden, to avail me of all such paradisical pleasures as befit a Holy Warrior like myself ! ....Wait, you are no virgin ! Ai kayii ! What gives ?!"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 2, 2008 7:10 PM
"Aw, chute...er, I mean, 'shoot'..."
"Nice beaver..."
Posted by: Leppo Softboy | June 2, 2008 7:47 PM
"I'm Tim, your Inner City Sprayfoam Insulation representative."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 2, 2008 8:07 PM
"May I borrow some 'Bean-o'?"
Posted by: mypalmike | June 2, 2008 8:15 PM
The plumber fantasy was much easier AND less degrading.
Posted by: Andrew | June 2, 2008 9:14 PM
It gets me into certain clubs.
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 2, 2008 9:28 PM
Mission accomplished.
Posted by: Maxwell Hammer | June 2, 2008 10:00 PM
“What happened to your face?”
“What happened to your mouth, loser?”
“You seem like a nice man in a terrible rush, but I’m very sorry to inform you that the Mouth Reconstructive Plastic Surgery Clinic closed last year. This is the Jones residence now.”
“What the fuck? How did you get that parachute to deploy in the closet?”
Posted by: scb | June 2, 2008 10:40 PM
"The Secretary of the Air Force has asked me to express his deep regret that your son Edward was killed in action in Baghdad on May 31st. The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss."
Posted by: RichM | June 2, 2008 10:51 PM
"Uh...............................................................land shark?"
Posted by: djack | June 2, 2008 11:06 PM
"Honey, I can explain everything..."
Posted by: Dave | June 2, 2008 11:11 PM
"Good morning, sir. I'm selling cotton candy to raise money for the blind."
Posted by: Dave | June 2, 2008 11:16 PM
"Hello, Mrs. Cleaver, it's me, Eddie Haskell. That's a lovely housecoat you're wearing. My tour of duty in Vietnam? Well, it went OK, I guess, apart from the unnatural swelling of my legs and the fact that I have to carry my spleen in this frontwards fannypack and that my face has been erased between my nose and the dimple on my chin. On the plus side, your head looks much more like a shrubbery than I remember. Want to fuck?"
Posted by: djack | June 2, 2008 11:22 PM
"Oops! I guess this isn't the offices of the Flatulent Earth Society."
Posted by: Dave | June 2, 2008 11:23 PM
"I suppose you're wondering why I'm wearing this silly hat."
Posted by: Dave | June 2, 2008 11:25 PM
"I forgot my briefcase."
Posted by: Glime | June 3, 2008 12:01 AM
"Yep - looks like you're the one with the beehive on the head. Don't worry, once I smoke those little fellas, we can pull that right off of there with nary a sting!"
Posted by: Glime | June 3, 2008 12:04 AM
"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them."
Posted by: Glime | June 3, 2008 12:08 AM
"Thanks for directions to the air show, prostitute."
Posted by: David John | June 3, 2008 12:20 AM
"Are you the 'horny SWF' who posted a casual encounters ad on Craig's List a few minutes ago?"
Posted by: al in la | June 3, 2008 1:47 AM
"... and I took a big dump on the way down. How's your day so far?"
Posted by: J.D. | June 3, 2008 8:23 AM
"Why, you goddamned slattern , you ! Call this 'welcome home' ?! Frigin' piece of string (like to some goddamned drunken signature, that's what!) lying about in the vestibule! What damn lazy son'bitch gonna leave a piece of string (or twine) lying about on the carpet this way ?! Smack in the vestibule ! Discipline ! It all about discipline, slut-for- wife ! ....Go fix your hair ! Chris'sake !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | June 3, 2008 10:53 AM
"Outta the way, vertical house woman! Free faller comin' through!"
Posted by: Chris | June 3, 2008 11:11 AM
"Sorry, I'm blind, can you say something or shift your feet so I know you're still standing there."
Posted by: Brian L | June 3, 2008 11:14 AM
"Your son thinks it's funny to sing that Elton John song every time I blast off for work. Tell him Rick Astley did a song about a kid whose dad beat his skull in with a shovel, and I've got no fucking problem singing it if the occasion arises."
Posted by: Damon | June 3, 2008 11:19 AM
"Wanna see my trouser trout?"
Posted by: jim M | June 3, 2008 11:28 AM
"We should both see a podiatrist about the angle of our feet in relation to our bodies. Or find a guy who can draw."
Posted by: jim M | June 3, 2008 11:37 AM
"The cauliflowers around here are obscene."
Posted by: Dave | June 3, 2008 12:21 PM
"Good morning, Mrs. Clinton. I'm here to give your campaign a boost. Hop on!"
Posted by: Dave | June 3, 2008 12:24 PM
I'm filling in for your stylist. It's time for those curlers to come out.
Posted by: boneguy | June 3, 2008 12:54 PM
"So, Upper Back Butt Crack Woman, we meet again."
Posted by: Chris | June 3, 2008 12:56 PM
"Hi. My chute failed to open all the way and my life is flashing before my eyes. Ironically, this seems to be the part where I came to your door and said 'Hi. My chute failed to open all the way and my life is flashing before my eyes. Ironically...'"
Posted by: Chris | June 3, 2008 12:59 PM
We're "Red Dawn" reenactors. And you are the capitalist babe I have been assigned to indoctrinate, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: boneguy | June 3, 2008 1:04 PM
"Ma'am, may I interest you in the Summer collection of Chutes 'n' Things
?"Posted by: Kathy H | June 3, 2008 1:22 PM
"You owe me a blow job. But make it fast - the pilot is landing in a fire zone."
Posted by: MAtt | June 3, 2008 2:42 PM
"Oh, you said you wanted a nice 'pair of shoes/tits.' This is awkward."
Posted by: Mo Buck | June 3, 2008 3:03 PM
"I regret to inform you your husband is dead. In hindsight, they really shouldn't have made the drop off point so close to 'Rusty's Metal Spike Emporium.'"
Posted by: Mo Buck | June 3, 2008 3:03 PM
"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your husband is dead. The good news is I bought a new fanny pack. [zip ziiiip zip ziiiip zip ziiip]"
Posted by: Mo Buck | June 3, 2008 3:03 PM
I've been standing here so long that the spiders jumped out of my backpack and made their home in that big pile of cotton balls behind me. Ha ha! I said balls.
Posted by: mloclam | June 3, 2008 3:21 PM
" Is this the aircraft for the sight impaired, SWOOP AND CHUG THE BEER, sky dive? "
Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | June 3, 2008 3:31 PM
"What do you mean, 'I guess your chute opened after all?"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 3, 2008 4:18 PM
"Well, look who's also got a pair of troopers!"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 3, 2008 4:19 PM
"Turns out it now costs $127 extra for the plane to land before you get out. Next time I'm taking the train."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 3, 2008 4:20 PM
"You wouldn't have a fire extinguisher handy, would you? One big enough to put out a rocket fuel blaze and over a hundred burning corpses? I'll just wait here."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | June 3, 2008 4:22 PM
You're it.
Posted by: Mike H. | June 3, 2008 4:38 PM
So are you gonna buy the damn cookies or not?
Posted by: Mike H. | June 3, 2008 4:50 PM
My, Grandma, what broad shoulders you have.
Posted by: Mike H. | June 3, 2008 4:51 PM
Hi, I noticed the Block Parent sign out front. Can help me? I'm being pursued by Iraqi insurgents.
Posted by: Mike H. | June 3, 2008 4:56 PM
Your husband took naked pictures of me when I was 10.
Posted by: Mike H. | June 3, 2008 4:58 PM
"What? You want me to 'GO down on you?'I swear I thought you said 'DROP down on you.' My bad."
Posted by: al in la | June 3, 2008 6:39 PM
"What? You want me to 'Go down on you? 'I swear I thought you said 'Drop down on you.' My bad."
Posted by: al in la | June 3, 2008 6:42 PM
(I swear I thought I hit "Post" once.)
Posted by: al again | June 3, 2008 6:44 PM
Whooaa ... nice rack.
Posted by: Jimby | June 3, 2008 6:53 PM
Have you seen my vulture? I've been searching for it since its appearance in a New Yorker cartoon several issues back. The winning anti-caption that week had to do with the bird's clitoris...clitoris...clitoris...clitoris...clitoris.
Posted by: J. Brown | June 3, 2008 6:56 PM
I think we should consider switching to a Roth IRA.
Posted by: Jimby | June 3, 2008 7:02 PM
Shavuot used to be so less complicated.
Posted by: Jimby | June 3, 2008 7:26 PM
This cartoon is offensive to the X-generation.
Posted by: Jimby | June 3, 2008 7:40 PM
This superdelegate gig has lots of bennies, Martha.
Posted by: MarkaPolka | June 3, 2008 9:29 PM
Turns out I really didn't need this helmut. A backpack full of farting spiders doesn't quite have the kick I was expecting.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 3, 2008 10:22 PM
Excuse me, I just flew in from the state fair where I just finished 3rd Place in a wing eating contest. Let's have sex!
Posted by: J. Brown | June 3, 2008 10:39 PM
"Mom... I'm gay."
Posted by: C | June 4, 2008 1:01 AM
"Hi. This is a bit awkward, but I was shotdown during an air strike on your city. May I use your phone?"
Posted by: NAMBY | June 4, 2008 1:53 AM
“Get dressed, or undressed, but do something!”
Posted by: dwilk | June 4, 2008 7:14 AM
"Maude, why in Christ's name would you hang a painting where the door can hit it?"
Posted by: djack | June 4, 2008 10:06 AM
"Oh dear. I SHOULD have phoned first."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 4, 2008 10:09 AM
"Yes, the curved shadow does indicate an arched molding above the door."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 4, 2008 10:12 AM
"Yeah, they're Wingtips. Wanna make something of it?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 4, 2008 10:17 AM
"Hi! Bob Out-of-the-blue Hope, here, for Chrysler!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 4, 2008 10:19 AM
"That hallway on your left leading to the front of the house is a monumental waste of space."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | June 4, 2008 10:25 AM
"Yeah, I would like to rent one.. no, make that two prostitutes. You'll get them back in the morning as usual."
Posted by: C | June 4, 2008 12:10 PM
"Oh - you're not dressed yet. That's probably because I got here so quickly."
Posted by: Damon | June 4, 2008 1:49 PM
An elitist publication such as the New Yorker has, predictably and regrettably, chosen to make fun of the now-deceased Evel Knievel. Their continued jabs at what they feel is the "lesser" culture of extreme sporting would be snobbery at its most obvious. Also, I'm sporting extreme wood over the chick in the bathrobe.
Posted by: Damon | June 4, 2008 2:01 PM
"DEA Ma'am, just tell me where the drugs are, and you can leave the bathrobe on."
Posted by: D | June 4, 2008 2:09 PM
"Good Morning. I have an IM from Kaitlyn: 'IMHO you should wear that cute power-blue top today with your white shirt...I'm hearng that Tyler likes Ashley, but she is so not interested...Didn't Morgan look fat yesterday in that hideous outfit? I'm like: What were you thinking, girl?...Oh, and please get your computer fixed. My mom's starting to bitch that this costs too much. (She's such a Drama Queen)...See ya at school!'"
Posted by: al in la | June 4, 2008 4:04 PM
"I'm with Enviropirg. I've flown up here to your cloud-level highrise condo in order to raise money for environmental causes."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 4, 2008 5:19 PM
"My parachute seems to be stuck in your mountain of mashed potatoes."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 4, 2008 5:20 PM
Uh-oh. Awkward door dance. Ok, you go right, and I'll go right-- my right, that is.
Posted by: Jimby | June 4, 2008 7:25 PM
"Come on, Sandy baby, loosen up. You're too tight."
Posted by: Chris | June 4, 2008 7:45 PM
"Yeah, I'm back already...ain't much of a town."
Posted by: Greg | June 4, 2008 8:08 PM
"Sorry to drop in on you like this, Hillary. But how about a McCain-Clinton unity ticket?"
Posted by: Richard H | June 4, 2008 8:14 PM
Judy, step on the artist's signature again. It's unintelligible but still crawling.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | June 5, 2008 6:56 AM
"Honey, turn on the TV--you won't believe what's happened to my office at the World Trade Center! Oh, and the assholes there who used to laugh at my parachute? Not so much anymore."
Posted by: GaryB | June 5, 2008 9:58 AM
"Have you seen a seeing-eye dog wearing a parachute?"
Posted by: LR | June 5, 2008 10:56 AM
Just dropping by.
Posted by: Bruno | June 5, 2008 12:37 PM
What are you doing in my house?
Posted by: Bruno | June 5, 2008 12:39 PM
"It's a muff diving suit."
Posted by: NJtoTX | June 5, 2008 1:30 PM
"That's right, Ma'am, I was up in the International Space Station and I couldn't wait for them to fix that Goddamned toilet."
Posted by: Tim H | June 5, 2008 1:50 PM
"Yes, I forgot the milk and eggs. So shoot me already."
Posted by: Dave Martin | June 5, 2008 3:13 PM
"It turns out it's impossible to generate enough thrust with such a light jet pack. Who knew?"
Posted by: Dave Martin | June 5, 2008 3:15 PM
[Woman]
"Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?"
[Mirror]
"I would say Angelina Jolie"
Posted by: J. Brown | June 5, 2008 3:53 PM
"Whoa! Nice tits!"
Posted by: Rubrick | June 5, 2008 4:18 PM
"It appears I've crossed your threshold without any resistance, so I'd say my work here is already done."
Posted by: Mike | June 5, 2008 6:50 PM
"To think, people laughed when Winnebago expanded into aviation...Well, chute's deployed. I'm gonna go down for supplys."
Posted by: al in la | June 5, 2008 6:57 PM
"Can I borrow your phone? There is a problem with my plane."
Posted by: Alex | June 5, 2008 7:53 PM
"What do you mean you curse the day I was born?"
Posted by: RichM | June 5, 2008 10:20 PM
Fine, stay at home. The baby and I will go hiking alone. I don't care how bad his flu is.
Posted by: Molly | June 5, 2008 11:31 PM
"Wow, you just made me prematurely shoot my load. I guess better early than never. Why don't you collect it off the floor and rub it on your face."
Posted by: Brian L | June 6, 2008 2:19 AM
WhoooOOOOOSH!
Posted by: Ernest | June 6, 2008 2:27 AM
"Oh, right, the third breast! I forgot that's why I enlisted myself. And I noticed you lost another tooth too, honey. So… any of our kids out of the coma yet?"
Posted by: ratapulgo | June 6, 2008 3:13 AM
Fuck. It is hell.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | June 6, 2008 6:37 AM
"I fell for you."
Posted by: J.D. | June 6, 2008 1:02 PM
"Take me to your lederhosen."
Posted by: Glenn W | June 6, 2008 7:09 PM
"I'll be back from the Vatican as soon as they elect a pope."
Posted by: J2P2 | June 6, 2008 7:15 PM
"Air male delivery for Gladys Kravitz!"
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 6, 2008 8:36 PM
"That's a hell of a urethra."
Posted by: Ted F | June 7, 2008 1:30 AM
I was rejected at the pearly gates and sent to spend my afterlife in hell-- so here I am.
Posted by: L.E.R. | June 7, 2008 3:12 AM
"Sorry to take up your time, miss, but I was drawn really shitty. Can you tell me if this thing behind me is a parachute or a rocket pack with a burst of exhaust?"
Posted by: Gorgonzola | June 7, 2008 8:21 AM
"That wasn't what I meant when I asked you to pull my cord."
Posted by: Richard | June 7, 2008 9:16 AM
HA! Did you actually believe that moving to a gated community would stop a stalker such as I?
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 7, 2008 10:06 AM
Thank you, thank you very much. This one man re-enactment of Episode 27 of Ripcord, 'Terror at 10,000 Feet', guest starring Ted Knight as the attendant, would not have been possible without a generous grant from the Carnegie Foundation and you, our listening audience.
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 7, 2008 10:36 AM
Don't you see Silvia? I free fell from ten thousand feet to say our marriage is in free fall! Only now, seeing you in the cold light of day, I believe I'll bail out again. (But at sea level..ba-da-bing!)
Posted by: Mort Drucker | June 7, 2008 11:03 AM
"I carry my enormous excised tumor about as a reminder not to resume smoking."
Posted by: J.D. | June 7, 2008 2:43 PM
"Don't look away, Sylvia. Let me see your face one last time."
Posted by: J.D. | June 7, 2008 2:45 PM
Ta-da, you fuckwit.
Posted by: cgb | June 7, 2008 3:47 PM
"Oh don't look so surprised Agnes. You know I've been yanking my cord in this closet for years."
Posted by: al in la | June 8, 2008 12:31 AM
Hello, Mrs. B -- wait, it'll be better if we don't use names. I've come to discuss a certain theory of mind with you.
Posted by: Ernest | June 8, 2008 5:36 AM
"I invented the jet-pack and flew over here as soon as I learned you were a cross-dressing exhibitionist, but I'm afraid, sir, that it just wasn't worth the effort."
Posted by: David F | June 8, 2008 11:49 AM
"So... when when you said I should 'drop by'... you meant just 'STOP' by, not actually DROP, right?!?"
"You said I was 'da bomb' so I thought I would drop from the sky... you know... like 'da bomb'."
"Most people have no idea that their roof is in such bad shape."
Posted by: Johnny V | June 8, 2008 1:31 PM
"The danger to our country is grave and it is growing. The Iraqi regime possesses biological and chemical weapons, is rebuilding the facilities to make more and, according to the British government, could launch a biological or chemical attack in as little as 45 minutes after the order is given. The regime has long-standing and continuing ties to terrorist groups, and there are al Qaeda terrorists inside Iraq. This regime is seeking a nuclear bomb, and with fissile material could build one within a year... What's that, you're not buying it? Hell, it worked for George!"
Posted by: Glime | June 8, 2008 3:45 PM
"Mashed potato man. Where do you want these?"
Posted by: Joshua | June 8, 2008 4:46 PM
Look miss, I don't know why they would put a nursing home on an inaccessible island. What I can tell you is that your son hasn't paid the bill in 6 months and I'm sorry to say that you're being evicted.
Posted by: Shawn | June 8, 2008 9:00 PM
They told me you were on your way, so I dressed down to keep you from raping me.
Posted by: tuna man sam | June 8, 2008 9:26 PM
"How about some Honorable Mentions, bitch?"
Posted by: GoNad | June 10, 2008 1:55 PM
I know you ordered the "Scary Clown", but that suit is being used. You'll have to fuck me in this.
Posted by: Satori | June 15, 2008 3:22 PM
"Okay, you put the contest out of its misery. Now can you put my ass out of its misery?"
Posted by: Doorguy | June 15, 2008 9:46 PM