June 2, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #149

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Good Morning. I have an IM from Kaitlyn: 'IMHO you should wear that cute power-blue top today with your white shirt...I'm hearng that Tyler likes Ashley, but she is so not interested...Didn't Morgan look fat yesterday in that hideous outfit? I'm like: What were you thinking, girl?...Oh, and please get your computer fixed. My mom's starting to bitch that this costs too much. (She's such a Drama Queen)...See ya at school!'" —al in la

"I'm telling you, lady! Millions of lives are in danger unless you unzip my front pouch, reach in, and pull the lever! Hurry, it's a national emergency!" —kejo

"Thanks for directions to the air show, prostitute." —David John

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"This surge is working. I'm John McCain and I approve this message."

That's an ugly bathrobe.

“Uh, hi. Was that dog yours?”

“Wow, what a kick. I just soared 20,000 feet into the air, carried by hundreds of helium balloons. Nothing selfish about that. Anyway, can I use your bathroom?”

"I shouldn't be able to stand still with this rocket on my back. However, the ugliness you display when you're in your bathrobe and curlers is an equally strong, opposing force, and both working at once allow me to keep upright."

“Hey, you curl your hair your way, and I’ll do it mine.”

I'm sorry to bother you this early in the -- good God, woman! Close that robe!

It's a success! Junior and I have learned to exhibit flatulence in unison! Just watch our anal vapor... (fart) (fart)

We were sent in to rape and pillage but...never mind.

Oh for crying out loud..I go to a lot of trouble for these afternoon quickies...you think you could make an little effort here? Geez!

"I'm going to say this again: I did NOT have sexual relations with that giant cauliflower. But for God's sake, would you please call me a fucking ambulance!"

I'm telling you, lady! Millions of lives are in danger unless you unzip my front pouch, reach in, and pull the lever! Hurry, it's a national emergency!

"Seeing as how you're obviously NOT appreciating the story of Jehovah and the `good news', I shall now blast off and return to our Gary, Indiana headquarters. But the copy of The Watchtower is yours to keep."

As a professional parachutist returning home after a long day of parachuting, it seems somewhat ironic that I should be saddled with a wife who takes so little care to make herself attractive and presentable when her husband returns home from work. I am also wearing a fanny pack.

"What, honey, you don't recognize me after all these years? It's me - D.B. Cooper!"

"Worst. Jet Pack. Ever."

"Miss, can you please help - there's a ferocious capybara attached to my back and it's farting like the bejesus!"

"Honey, I've gotta be honest - right now I look like the fuckin' Don Juan of sexual role play compared to the effort you're dialing in here."

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims. Also by the one I'm looking at now, hint, hint."

"Hello, ma'am. I've captured your lost shrubbery."

"I have a sad story to tell you. It might hurt your feelings a bit. My backpack has got two big nozzles, which shoot out two wide streams of -- shaaaa-ving cream, be nice and clean, shave every day and you'll always look keen!"


"You wanted a paralegal?"

" Jeezum ! Where you think, Gladys ? From a plane....spelled P-L-A-N-E, by the way, not P-L-A-I-N, as in 'P-L-A-I-N of existe...' --no, wait, 'P-L-A-N-E (same's an aircraft) of existence' ! My bad ! I've been reading too many misspelled caption entries -- 'finalists', too ! -- in Radosh's contest lately. ....So how about a little something quick before I return to Iraq, 'hottie' ?"

"Good day, good Madam. And might I add: Geronimo!"

"Fart Patrol!"

"Ta da ! In the long tradition of the Bush lineage (skipping the sibling who shall go unnamed here), JEB Bush reporting from duty in Iraq, honey."

"Hi, Rick James, it's me, Evel Knievel. Back in 1974 you said if I was ever in the neighborhood I should drop in. So..."

"Good morning? Jesus, lady, it's 2 o'clock. Do I have to remind you every day to get up in the morning and put some damn clothes on? Get off your lazy bum, and find a summer job. It's already going to be pretty difficult since you've waited this long."

"Well, honey, while you and your 'gal pals' were out wasting your time on that Sex and the City movie, me and Eddie rented The Bucket List. By the way, Eddie's dead."

"During these late spri.. , no, uh, early summer days, it is of especial importance to wear these state-of-the-art, UV-protective glasses during drops, to ward against cataracts....or was that macular degeneration ? Anyway, it was so thoughtful of McCain to finally supply us airborne with these ! .... OLD flyboy, you know."

"Mission accomplished."

"I can't stay long, I've got to shoot off. Shoot off. 'chute off. Geddit?"

"Oh, Hon, I tried to tell you. Fanny packs look ridiculous on everyone--even paratroopers."

"Your udder-j.. , uh, gutter job (sorry!) has been completed, Mme. Van Falkenberg."

"Hello, I'm Joe Roberts, PFC. I understand you've worn an MIA bracelet with my name on it since 1968. Funny story...."

Hi, Leia. Remember when you said "Into the garbage chute, Flyboy"? Well, drop that robe and bend over.

"Hi, I'm Tim Conway. This would be funnier if Harvey Korman were alive."

"Coffee always makes me feel jumpy."

"Honey, I'm home."

"I had to wear something which would distract from this ridiculous-looking helmet."

"You're pretty attractive from the neck sideways."

"Mrs. 'Jughead', I presume ?"

I'm not the man you think I am at all. No no no no. I'm a rocket man. Rocket man.

I suppose I could make a joke about being in drag, since I'm wearing a parachute and air resistance is a layman's term used to describe drag. But that wouldn't be funny, or witty, or even droll. So, can I just use your bathroom?

"Martha, give up the jello wrestling life and elope with me tonight."

"I was not a crook....leastways, no where near to Bush !"

"I just flew in from Chicago, boy are my arms tired!"

"Barack, I just had that stupid D.B. Cooper dream again last night. That makes three D.B. Cooper dreams this week. What could it mean?"

"I was just passing through the neighborhood, when I noticed your distinctive windows. At least I think they're windows, are they paintings? Oddly framed prints? Whatever, what I'm getting at is I landed on your car. I don't have insurance either."

Woman: This isn't what I expected when they said they'd deliver it through airmail.
Man: Actually Ma'am, I'm here to inform you that your husband died in the line of service. His last wish was that I tell his wife wearing this paratrooper outfit. He thought it would make the news easier to bare, considering how much you love parachutes and all.

"Arkansas ! Yep, 'nav' got that right !"

"Vote for McCain, it's important ! ....And, yeah, this here's 'black budget' "

"Those curlers are hot. The ones on your head too."

"Flying rape man!"

"I'm sorry lady, but your house is in a no-fly zone."

"Mrs. Johnson, there has been a terrible accident. I'm so sorry."

" 'Knockers', Madge ! And I ain't talking new door-knockers, neither ! Jeez, come home to this ?!"

"I've finished blowing your leaves, Mrs. Henderson. Should I take a look at that bush now?"

"Excuse me, ma'am, did a seeing-eye dog blow past here a few minutes ago?"

"What, your 'lord of creation' couldn't give you any better 'yard-work', lady ? Swing-set, maybe little stick-kid ...uh, sticky kid and dog ? You laugh ?! Fuck, 'bout missed my drop-zone -- no landmarks ! -- Better off dead ! Matter of fact, he is ! .... Yeah, new 'fallen in action' experiment, ma'm ! 'McInsane' idea ! Have a nice day."

"Excuse me. I was supposed to fly into the stadium for a ball game, but my jet pack seems to be malfunctioning. Could I use your phone? I will shut off the jet pack completely before entering, so that the exhaust does not harm your carpet."

"The aerodynamics here are obscene."

Helen, this story will curl your...oh..."

"Whoa ! That Alzheimer's has gotten on since last furlough, granma ! But shucks, someone has to protect the homeland, now don't they ?! ....Hell, you wouldn't know ?! Damn shame, come to the d... ! Doris ! Doris !"

"May I interest you in a fanny pack? I must tell you, however, that the parachute is extra."

[pitch pipe] "HELLO! I'm Fly-ing, Sing-ing Tel-e-gram Man, and I'm here to say, that someone has a special message for you today! Let's see...it's from Kevin, and he says he's sorry you're such an ugly bitch with small tits and big feet, and that he's been screwing his secretary for five years now. And...there's more here...that the house you won from him in the divorce has termites. He also hopes you have a good life and that, if you have any telegram needs in the future, to be sure to call Fly-ing, Sing-ing Tel-e-gram Man! That's all. Can I launch off from your back yard?"

"Got any scissors?"

(Damn ! What's that question mark doing after "Hell, you wouldn't know !", above ? Damn,damn,damn !)

"I just machine-gunned my family to death and boy are my arms tired! Can I use your phone?"

"Sorry. This `super-fast' pizza delivery service is new, and I dropped your order on the way here. It fell into an inner city street, and a bunch of starving kids ran after it. They were then hit by a car, and two of them died at the scene. It's not your fault, and I don't want you to feel bad. But, if you hadn't told us to hurry up with your pizza...just something to think about. Anyway, here are some coupons."

"So what's for dinner?"

Bought it on eBay from a Bear Stearns executive. They say it's made out of gold.

"I told you carpooling with a pilot was a bad idea."

"Can Fan Man come out to play?"

"Hi, I'm your parachuting gigolo. Shall we get to busi - Could you take those damn things out of your hair? My job is gonna be hard enough with your Rosie O'Donnell good looks..."

"Don't judge me until you walk a mile in my 'chute."

"Ooh-la-la! This violation of the Third Amendment just took a turn for the sex-y!"

" 'Rapist Sector of the International Brotherhood of Terrorists', American lady ! ....Dibs on the front, Al-shabazz ! 'Better to settle for that whereof we know than to pry in what we know not of ' -- or something like that : Shakespeare ! Good English, not ? ...Let's roll, 'shabazz' !"

" Jehovah's Witness! Would you like to subscribe to DA WATCHATOWER? "

" Pardon me. 101st Airborne. Would you happen to have any spare toilet paper? "

"I saved a buncha money by not flying into JFK." [Fart]

"I am heroic Moslem freedom-fighter whose parachute neglected to deploy in heroic hijacking attempt ! Prepare yourself, maiden, to avail me of all such paradisical pleasures as befit a Holy Warrior like myself ! ....Wait, you are no virgin ! Ai kayii ! What gives ?!"

"Aw, chute...er, I mean, 'shoot'..."

"Nice beaver..."

"I'm Tim, your Inner City Sprayfoam Insulation representative."

"May I borrow some 'Bean-o'?"

The plumber fantasy was much easier AND less degrading.

It gets me into certain clubs.

Mission accomplished.

“What happened to your face?”
“What happened to your mouth, loser?”

“You seem like a nice man in a terrible rush, but I’m very sorry to inform you that the Mouth Reconstructive Plastic Surgery Clinic closed last year. This is the Jones residence now.”

“What the fuck? How did you get that parachute to deploy in the closet?”

"The Secretary of the Air Force has asked me to express his deep regret that your son Edward was killed in action in Baghdad on May 31st. The Secretary extends his deepest sympathy to you and your family in your tragic loss."

"Uh...............................................................land shark?"

"Honey, I can explain everything..."

"Good morning, sir. I'm selling cotton candy to raise money for the blind."

"Hello, Mrs. Cleaver, it's me, Eddie Haskell. That's a lovely housecoat you're wearing. My tour of duty in Vietnam? Well, it went OK, I guess, apart from the unnatural swelling of my legs and the fact that I have to carry my spleen in this frontwards fannypack and that my face has been erased between my nose and the dimple on my chin. On the plus side, your head looks much more like a shrubbery than I remember. Want to fuck?"

"Oops! I guess this isn't the offices of the Flatulent Earth Society."

"I suppose you're wondering why I'm wearing this silly hat."

"I forgot my briefcase."

"Yep - looks like you're the one with the beehive on the head. Don't worry, once I smoke those little fellas, we can pull that right off of there with nary a sting!"

"This is what I'm good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them."

"Thanks for directions to the air show, prostitute."

"Are you the 'horny SWF' who posted a casual encounters ad on Craig's List a few minutes ago?"

"... and I took a big dump on the way down. How's your day so far?"

"Why, you goddamned slattern , you ! Call this 'welcome home' ?! Frigin' piece of string (like to some goddamned drunken signature, that's what!) lying about in the vestibule! What damn lazy son'bitch gonna leave a piece of string (or twine) lying about on the carpet this way ?! Smack in the vestibule ! Discipline ! It all about discipline, slut-for- wife ! ....Go fix your hair ! Chris'sake !"

"Outta the way, vertical house woman! Free faller comin' through!"

"Sorry, I'm blind, can you say something or shift your feet so I know you're still standing there."

"Your son thinks it's funny to sing that Elton John song every time I blast off for work. Tell him Rick Astley did a song about a kid whose dad beat his skull in with a shovel, and I've got no fucking problem singing it if the occasion arises."

"Wanna see my trouser trout?"

"We should both see a podiatrist about the angle of our feet in relation to our bodies. Or find a guy who can draw."

"The cauliflowers around here are obscene."

"Good morning, Mrs. Clinton. I'm here to give your campaign a boost. Hop on!"

I'm filling in for your stylist. It's time for those curlers to come out.

"So, Upper Back Butt Crack Woman, we meet again."

"Hi. My chute failed to open all the way and my life is flashing before my eyes. Ironically, this seems to be the part where I came to your door and said 'Hi. My chute failed to open all the way and my life is flashing before my eyes. Ironically...'"

We're "Red Dawn" reenactors. And you are the capitalist babe I have been assigned to indoctrinate, if you know what I mean.

"Ma'am, may I interest you in the Summer collection of Chutes 'n' Things


"You owe me a blow job. But make it fast - the pilot is landing in a fire zone."

"Oh, you said you wanted a nice 'pair of shoes/tits.' This is awkward."

"I regret to inform you your husband is dead. In hindsight, they really shouldn't have made the drop off point so close to 'Rusty's Metal Spike Emporium.'"

"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your husband is dead. The good news is I bought a new fanny pack. [zip ziiiip zip ziiiip zip ziiip]"

I've been standing here so long that the spiders jumped out of my backpack and made their home in that big pile of cotton balls behind me. Ha ha! I said balls.

" Is this the aircraft for the sight impaired, SWOOP AND CHUG THE BEER, sky dive? "

"What do you mean, 'I guess your chute opened after all?"

"Well, look who's also got a pair of troopers!"

"Turns out it now costs $127 extra for the plane to land before you get out. Next time I'm taking the train."

"You wouldn't have a fire extinguisher handy, would you? One big enough to put out a rocket fuel blaze and over a hundred burning corpses? I'll just wait here."

You're it.

So are you gonna buy the damn cookies or not?

My, Grandma, what broad shoulders you have.

Hi, I noticed the Block Parent sign out front. Can help me? I'm being pursued by Iraqi insurgents.

Your husband took naked pictures of me when I was 10.

"What? You want me to 'GO down on you?'I swear I thought you said 'DROP down on you.' My bad."

"What? You want me to 'Go down on you? 'I swear I thought you said 'Drop down on you.' My bad."

(I swear I thought I hit "Post" once.)

Whooaa ... nice rack.

Have you seen my vulture? I've been searching for it since its appearance in a New Yorker cartoon several issues back. The winning anti-caption that week had to do with the bird's clitoris...clitoris...clitoris...clitoris...clitoris.

I think we should consider switching to a Roth IRA.

Shavuot used to be so less complicated.

This cartoon is offensive to the X-generation.

This superdelegate gig has lots of bennies, Martha.

Turns out I really didn't need this helmut. A backpack full of farting spiders doesn't quite have the kick I was expecting.

Excuse me, I just flew in from the state fair where I just finished 3rd Place in a wing eating contest. Let's have sex!

"Mom... I'm gay."

"Hi. This is a bit awkward, but I was shotdown during an air strike on your city. May I use your phone?"

“Get dressed, or undressed, but do something!”

"Maude, why in Christ's name would you hang a painting where the door can hit it?"

"Oh dear. I SHOULD have phoned first."

"Yes, the curved shadow does indicate an arched molding above the door."

"Yeah, they're Wingtips. Wanna make something of it?"

"Hi! Bob Out-of-the-blue Hope, here, for Chrysler!"

"That hallway on your left leading to the front of the house is a monumental waste of space."

"Yeah, I would like to rent one.. no, make that two prostitutes. You'll get them back in the morning as usual."

"Oh - you're not dressed yet. That's probably because I got here so quickly."

An elitist publication such as the New Yorker has, predictably and regrettably, chosen to make fun of the now-deceased Evel Knievel. Their continued jabs at what they feel is the "lesser" culture of extreme sporting would be snobbery at its most obvious. Also, I'm sporting extreme wood over the chick in the bathrobe.

"DEA Ma'am, just tell me where the drugs are, and you can leave the bathrobe on."

"Good Morning. I have an IM from Kaitlyn: 'IMHO you should wear that cute power-blue top today with your white shirt...I'm hearng that Tyler likes Ashley, but she is so not interested...Didn't Morgan look fat yesterday in that hideous outfit? I'm like: What were you thinking, girl?...Oh, and please get your computer fixed. My mom's starting to bitch that this costs too much. (She's such a Drama Queen)...See ya at school!'"

"I'm with Enviropirg. I've flown up here to your cloud-level highrise condo in order to raise money for environmental causes."

"My parachute seems to be stuck in your mountain of mashed potatoes."

Uh-oh. Awkward door dance. Ok, you go right, and I'll go right-- my right, that is.

"Come on, Sandy baby, loosen up. You're too tight."

"Yeah, I'm back already...ain't much of a town."

"Sorry to drop in on you like this, Hillary. But how about a McCain-Clinton unity ticket?"

Judy, step on the artist's signature again. It's unintelligible but still crawling.

"Honey, turn on the TV--you won't believe what's happened to my office at the World Trade Center! Oh, and the assholes there who used to laugh at my parachute? Not so much anymore."

"Have you seen a seeing-eye dog wearing a parachute?"

Just dropping by.

What are you doing in my house?

"It's a muff diving suit."

"That's right, Ma'am, I was up in the International Space Station and I couldn't wait for them to fix that Goddamned toilet."

"Yes, I forgot the milk and eggs. So shoot me already."

"It turns out it's impossible to generate enough thrust with such a light jet pack. Who knew?"

"Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all?"
"I would say Angelina Jolie"

"Whoa! Nice tits!"

"It appears I've crossed your threshold without any resistance, so I'd say my work here is already done."

"To think, people laughed when Winnebago expanded into aviation...Well, chute's deployed. I'm gonna go down for supplys."

"Can I borrow your phone? There is a problem with my plane."

"What do you mean you curse the day I was born?"

Fine, stay at home. The baby and I will go hiking alone. I don't care how bad his flu is.

"Wow, you just made me prematurely shoot my load. I guess better early than never. Why don't you collect it off the floor and rub it on your face."


"Oh, right, the third breast! I forgot that's why I enlisted myself. And I noticed you lost another tooth too, honey. So… any of our kids out of the coma yet?"

Fuck. It is hell.

"I fell for you."

"Take me to your lederhosen."

"I'll be back from the Vatican as soon as they elect a pope."

"Air male delivery for Gladys Kravitz!"

"That's a hell of a urethra."

I was rejected at the pearly gates and sent to spend my afterlife in hell-- so here I am.

"Sorry to take up your time, miss, but I was drawn really shitty. Can you tell me if this thing behind me is a parachute or a rocket pack with a burst of exhaust?"

"That wasn't what I meant when I asked you to pull my cord."

HA! Did you actually believe that moving to a gated community would stop a stalker such as I?

Thank you, thank you very much. This one man re-enactment of Episode 27 of Ripcord, 'Terror at 10,000 Feet', guest starring Ted Knight as the attendant, would not have been possible without a generous grant from the Carnegie Foundation and you, our listening audience.

Don't you see Silvia? I free fell from ten thousand feet to say our marriage is in free fall! Only now, seeing you in the cold light of day, I believe I'll bail out again. (But at sea level..ba-da-bing!)

"I carry my enormous excised tumor about as a reminder not to resume smoking."

"Don't look away, Sylvia. Let me see your face one last time."

Ta-da, you fuckwit.

"Oh don't look so surprised Agnes. You know I've been yanking my cord in this closet for years."

Hello, Mrs. B -- wait, it'll be better if we don't use names. I've come to discuss a certain theory of mind with you.

"I invented the jet-pack and flew over here as soon as I learned you were a cross-dressing exhibitionist, but I'm afraid, sir, that it just wasn't worth the effort."

"So... when when you said I should 'drop by'... you meant just 'STOP' by, not actually DROP, right?!?"

"You said I was 'da bomb' so I thought I would drop from the sky... you know... like 'da bomb'."

"Most people have no idea that their roof is in such bad shape."

"The danger to our country is grave and it is growing. The Iraqi regime possesses biological and chemical weapons, is rebuilding the facilities to make more and, according to the British government, could launch a biological or chemical attack in as little as 45 minutes after the order is given. The regime has long-standing and continuing ties to terrorist groups, and there are al Qaeda terrorists inside Iraq. This regime is seeking a nuclear bomb, and with fissile material could build one within a year... What's that, you're not buying it? Hell, it worked for George!"

"Mashed potato man. Where do you want these?"

Look miss, I don't know why they would put a nursing home on an inaccessible island. What I can tell you is that your son hasn't paid the bill in 6 months and I'm sorry to say that you're being evicted.

They told me you were on your way, so I dressed down to keep you from raping me.

"How about some Honorable Mentions, bitch?"

I know you ordered the "Scary Clown", but that suit is being used. You'll have to fuck me in this.

"Okay, you put the contest out of its misery. Now can you put my ass out of its misery?"

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