May 26, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #148

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"The black one." —Clambone

"OK, so which is the nihilistic bastard who destroyed your ego and with it all attachment to our current plain of existence?" —jake

"Yes, ma'am. You go ahead and pick out the bastard that gave your little girl leukemia." —Richard

Honorable mention
"And make it fast, because two of them really have to pee." —Slide

"What do you mean 'the rapist was of the same substance' as Number One, Mary?" —TG Gibbon

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"No, watching American Idol in solitary is not cruel and unusual punishment. On a widescreen TV it's REALLY cruel and unusual punishment."

"The black one."

"And make it fast, because two of them really have to pee."

"Which two walked into the bar?"

"The guy second from the left? And you say he MADE YOU DO IT?"

"For God's sake, hurry it up."

"We believe in religious freedom most of the time. But one these guys is gonna be locked away for a long, long time."

"You really see all that? I just see a blank wall."

"Yes, they're all available for adoption. All we ask is that you give them a good home."

"Can you believe they kicked me out of the Village People and replaced me with the four-armed guy?"

"Just point to the guy who stole your leather jacket and pitchfork, ma'am. It's not that hard."

"If you look carefully in the upper right hand corner, you can see Zeus raping a cow. This used to be a framed photo of The Ten Commandments. Goddamn activist judges."

“Next window, ma’am. This is our plainclothes unit.”

"Zee inspector have us round up zee UNUSUAL suspects, madame."

'C'mon, c'mon, make your mind up. Only one in ten rapes results in a successful conviction anyhow.'

None of them. As far as I know.

Take your time, ma'am. Just tell us which one you saw killing Mr. Hitchens.

The guy in the middle's been executed for his crimes, but he keeps on coming back.

"All right, Mary, which one of these perverts raped you?"

"What do you mean 'the rapist was of the same substance' as Number One, Mary?"

“So, while number three held, number one came down hard on you for having sinful thoughts?”

"So which of these guys is responsible for David Remnick being murdered by extremists next week? Take your time."

"A thousand pardons, my 'cherie' ! Here then are our SECTUAL probationers. You could not hold zee easy presumption against me, no -- my pretty one ?"

"Sorry... I am dyslexic. I thought I was supposed to find the 'GOD" who attacked you!"

"... and you too can start your own religion... like these network marketers before you!"

"The dyslexic artist titled this painting: 'God-day Afternoon'.

"The conditions here are divine!"

"...and they took the FUN out of Fun-damental"

"...and this High-Definition Big Screen TV gets ALL the Religious Channels... all at once!"

"I call this one 'I Budda my Forks from both ends".

"Voila ! These stank 'to high heaven'-- as you described, madame."

"Yes, we know your description more closely fit ALLAH, but we could never win a conviction....not here in France, anyway."

" The Blubba, for instance ? He seems to be eyeing your purse with a speculative gleam ? We may rule out those lesbians, I think. .... Vile ! For shame !"

See, he's not dead, just waiting for his hearing like the rest of them.

We keep 'em in separate cells.

OK, so which is the nihilistic bastard who destroyed your ego and with it all attachment to our current plain of existence?

"That one! The one on the left! *He* stole my pur...oh wait, it's here in my hand. Ha ha! He he he."

Yeah, the artist died before he could draw the mouth on the last one. I like to think it was intentional, like Mona Lisa's eyebrows. Or Michael Jackson's nose.

You probably noticed Mohammed is missing. No one knows what he looks like.

"Okay, Mrs. Kresge. You can keep the whole set, or you can take a risk and trade for what's behind Door #3."

"You gotta pick one, Mrs Johnson. Heads in the Sand is no longer an option."

"I see your point, Nina. These are not the kind of outfits you'd expect from an Intelligent Designer."

I painted it in college. I was so trite before I joined the Nazi Party.

"Only number two can break the Da Radosh code--something about; 140141143

Lady! Get the fuck out of here!

Holy shit, Lady! I'm not joking. Get the fuck out of here!


"It's hard to imagine people used to believe in this shit."

"Miss Garafolo, you've lost weight."

"I think our team of consultants can help you, Mrs. Clinton."

Don't get too stressed out, miss. It's only a matter of getting those tablets back to their rightful owner.

"Pick your sperm donor, ma'am, and we can get started."

"Yahweh, Satan, Hotei, Shiva, the Ghost of Cristmas Past, a frumpy broad, and a French prison guard. Damn, standardized tests make my head explode! Ok, ok I'll guess. She picks Yahweh because she likes circumcised?"

"These perverts' disguises can be ingenious--a turban here, a loincloth there--but a steamed-up mirror is a dead giveaway."

"It's Casual Friday, so they let me wear my Capri pants."

"Conceivably, the tapestry could pre-date Mohammed -- implying, thereby, an uneasy unity at one time, at least, between all of the world's major religions. It was unearthed from under The Temple on the Mount, of course !....Take all the time you wish, professor."

"The Bible tells us that the devil is responsible. Look deep within your heart, and you'll find the strength to point him out. It's okay. Don't be scared. I love you."

"I must point out 'The Prophets' to you with this awkward and obviously limited extensibility of the right arm, due to a childhood injury I suffered at the hands of a fanatical 'religious bomber' while on vacation in Jerusalem with my parents....so excuse me if I disapprobate your taste in art, mademoiselle."

"I must point out 'The Prophets' to you with this awkward and obviously limited extensibility of the right arm, due to a childhood injury I suffered at the hands of a fanatical 'religious bomber' while on vacation in Jerusalem with my parents....so excuse me if I disapprobate your taste in art, mademoiselle."

"Now before you speak, ask yousrself, 'Wha would Jesus do?'"

Let's try this again: "Now before you speak, ask yourself, 'What would Jesus do?'"

"Lady, if you keep touching the paintings, you'll have to leave the museum."

"I'd put my money on the chubby one."

"Holy Moses! Get rid of your 'Devil may care' attitude and choose! Buddha hell do ya think you are to make me wait? I Vishnu had never been born. Shaman you!"

Go ahead, ma'am. One of them is Rap Sheet Ready.

"God loves you, and I love you. And you can count on both of us as a powerful message that people who wonder about their future can hear."

"Do you have blacks, too?"

Okay lady, who's your Diety?

"Yes, you have just been given a powerful psychosis inducing medication. I hold in my hand the antidote. I will give it to you if you will just let me wear dresses in public."

"Lady, whadda ya mean 'none of these is your avatar'?

"There're all here, except for L. Ron Hubbard who is battling galactic warlords in another dimension."

"Buddha didn't grope you. It's a painting. The museum is closing in 15 minutes.

"Yes, ma'am. You go ahead and pick out the bastard that gave your little girl leukemia."

"Come now, Nancy. You know full well that the rules of The Bachelorette

require your giving a rose to three of them."

It was the lady in the black dress.

"Yeah, it sucks to have to work on Halloween.. Anyhow, I guess we should get started. These people paid good money to watch us fuck."

There are not many hentai shemale paysites around. Most of them suck! Why? Because it's poorly drawn shit by Americans.

Remember, it's a two-way mirror, so they can't see you. They can, however, read your thoughts and control your dreams.

Uh???? Errr???? Hmmm???? I got it. It's the Osmonds. Right? Am I right?

"It was Shiva with a pitchfork that attacked me but my Shiva was black...and this is a New Yorker Cartoon, bla bla."

Thanks for applying for the Emperor's Club. These are our faithful VIP members eager to meet you.

Wouldn't having four arms be great. You could hold a weapon, eat a sandwich, and fondle yourself all at the same time.

Yes, those are my missing lawn ornaments.

"Father Abraham had many sons, and many sons had Father Abraham. I am one of them, and so are you. So let's just praise the Lord. Right arm."

I told them we were all sold out, but they won't leave and insist I give them tickets to the KISS concert.

These are all your kids? I thought you said you were the VIRGIN Mary.

"You're single, you're lonely, you've had a few drinks...Stop wasting my time, lady. It's obvious which one is going home with you."

"Normally this would be one-way glass, but since they're all omniscient anyway, there didn't seem much point."

Yes, I'd like a fillet of fish combo.

"Lady, this plasma HD TV is so advanced, even the concept of religion becomes clear and sharply defined."

"Look,lady, I know you said your attacker wore large floppy shoes, had a fake red nose and squirted seltzer, but this is the best we could do. So pick one already."

"Yes, Ma'am, Shakespeare in the Park does look very interesting this year."

Pick a god, any god.

"This the ugliest woodcut print in the museum."

"The snake is real."

"Come, come, madame ! As you have accused your assailant of 'unsolicited kissing', I think we may now at the very least remove one of these from suspicion."

"You will tip me, no -- ungrateful American imperialist ?"

Ok, you picked the devil, so I assume we're looking for a Muslim or a Jew...or a Black.

"P-R-A-D-A, stupid ! The El Prado--with an O-- that's the museum in Madrid, remember ? ....Duh !"

"Yes, we understand your attackers stomped you with their boots, but can't you recall anything at all of their upper parts."

"I just don't know, officer. They all look the same to me."

"Definitely the Christian god. His beard was all tickley."

"The critics have all come to see your one-woman show. Now don't be nervous."

Nietsche has testified that God is dead and in an ironic twist we have created a lineup to determine who the suspected victim is. Please identify your concept of God.

"It looks great now, but when we shrink it down to 3" x 10" it's going to be hard to identify any of the faces. Can you come up with a simpler design that will actually work on a bumper sticker?"

I have arranged this lineup as a ruse, Madamn. Your claim about a purse snatching is obviously false, as you have your purse with you. None of these Gods can save you now from a charge of filing a false police report.

"Every applicant for this job has to answer this timeless riddle: Why is it that only Satan gets to wear a leather jacket?"

"Where's your messiah now, nyahhhh?"

"And this is a collection of the world's largest netsukes."

"Is that so? We don't get many virgins here. Interesting. Anyway, we're ready so take a good look and tell us if you see the one who knocked you up."

Ma'am, do any of these guys look like the entity who gave your husband cancer?

We have a line-up of Known violaters of religious freedoms. Which one of these "deities" violated you?

"Why no Mohammed? Geez, lady, if you knew the guy's name why did you let us round up all these gods for a police lineup?"

"Why no females? Geez, lady, are you a rape victim or an ERA activist?"

"Hurry up, lady, these guys have a lot of acting in mysterious ways to catch up on. Geez."

"Lady, if there really is an Intelligent Designer, then show me who the hell created that outfit."

"I realize that a line-up of deities who are never seen might not be the most useful exercise in narrowing down the culprit, but it's all we have."

"They may ignore prayer, but they can't ignore a summons."

"Hey Buddha! Stop playing with your nipples!"

"Look, how hard can it be to pick Bob Barr's running mate?"

"Enough about the painting, Ma'am. Tell me, what you think of my jack-boots?"

Polish rapist lineup." Thats the woman! "

"Very true ! There would seem to be a very decided and unaesthetic imbalance as between light and dark in this work when taken apart from its whole; but I will point out to you that the light-colored security-guard's shirt which I wear to the right re-establises the light-dark harmony of the cartoon's entirety (or 'tout ensemble', as we French have it ). -- Oui, oui, madame ! We are --how you Americans say ? --some 'clowns' !"

Sorry, Ma'am, there is no "freedom from religion" -- you have to pick one.

"...And here is my prized poster of Gwar WITHOUT their masks..."

"Sigh -- for the last time, ma'am, NONE of these are Keyser Soze."

"Yeah, by the looks of this 'coming soon' poster, the next super-hero team-up movie's gonna totally kick ass!"

"Sorry, Ma'am, but 'Dd' is not one of the choices."

Yes, I'd like a Witch Doctor Sandwich, remove the bone, and a side of Kevin Spacey.

These tiny mirrors glued to my shoes is all need chase the blues.

These tiny mirrors glued to my shoes is all I need chase the blues.

These are all right-wing, conservative, Republican, religious fanatics who have screwed up our foreign policy.

"Do you see your savior in this line up?"

"Unfortunately they all have superpowers, so the one-way mirror can't protect your identity. So then, is one of these guys the rapist?"

"No one in this line up is the man you saw shoot the priest? Well then, I think I know who it is, but since we're not allowed to show his likeness he gets away with murder all the time."

Okay, for the grand prize, which of these 'guys' sang Karma Chameleon?

"Do you recognize the one who didn't post last week's results?"

There! Moses and the devil seen together in the same room. Happy now?”

"...and this last exhibit is from the short lived reality show: "The Obvious Mole.'"

This is sort of racist, isn't it?

"There's so much weird DNA on that little fat guy's belly I can't see straight. They all go on and on about good will towards men."

"You got any interest in just a regular guy? I ain't promising no zealots."

"It's the New Gods on the Block. They're huge with the home-schooled kids."

"Your safe word will be 'Oh my God!' Are you ready to begin?"

"We had to trap them in a two dimensional prison because they were stealing the fractions of cents from everybody's paychecks."

"'Honest to Blog?' What the fuck does that mean?"

"Where the 'fuck' is Jesus? I'm guessing in heaven, miss."

Moses IS much shorter in person.

Take your time miss. This city will not rest until we find the animal who stole your trident.

"OK, so which of our Life-Size Deity Ice Cream Cakes do you think little Susie will want for her party?"

"Look, I can wave my hand up and down in front of you and there is no contact. You are, you will forgive me, flat as a crepe. The gods were most unkind to you in bestowing physical attributes and beuty. We take this very seriously in France. Thay will pay, madamn, I promise you this.

Just act like it says "beauty", not beuty and pretend there is a closing "

"Ma'am, I'd like to introduce Menudo."

"OMG, that guy is wearing my jacket! That's him! He was the robber! Knew it the minute I saw him!"
-It wasn't until after the hanging that Claire realized she had been wearing her jacket the whole time.

"Ok lady, which one took your soul?"

"Just tell me which one grabbed both of your breasts and both of your buttocks simultaneously."

"I'm haunted by the faces of my victims."

"And that's when I said, But Ken Jennings is already the female Ken Jennings! That cracked Mr. Trebek up good but he knows I'm just joshing cause Ken was a good egg. Anyways, audience line is around the corner. These guys are always here first, go figure."

"Was it any of these deities, or Boy George, that pilfered your purse, ma'am?"

And here we have a mural of several supernatural beings. Notice how they are all male. Now, if you will follow me ...

"So let me get this straight - Shiva held you down with all four arms while Buddha raped you? Buddha? That deity of nonviolence, tolerance, and respect for all living things? Are you sure it wasn't Satan? Or a couple of Puerto Rican guys?"

"...okay you're saying the 4 armed guy grabbed you and sent 'Shiva's' down your spine... and the bearded guy attacked you and it was divine...the guy with horns was devilishly good, Budda great time was had by all?!? Puns?!
Cliches?! 'Shaman' you... Great, you got ME doing it, now!!"

"Take your time... you can only believe in one..."

"Hurry up, Hillary, you only get one super-duper delegate to intervene on your behalf."

"Choose wisely, my dear, for only one can get you from mid-town to JFK in 40 minutes."

“We tried Moses at left tackle but our quarterback was getting crucified.”

" According to your accusation, the Chuby had the Chuby ? "

" According to your accusation, the Chuby had the Chuby ? "

By chance it turns out that for every crime ever commited the usual suspects come down to this same lineup of known demons and deities. No one know why this is the case or why they always elude arrest. But for the sake of perpetuating the sham of human justice and dignity, could you please just point toward the one who exposed himself to you.

"Buddha obviously wants you. God was supposed to be here but he sent Moses,who is trying not to stare at your breast, he's such a stunted jackass. I love your cankles, they're not quite calves but their not quite ankles. Do you have any pot in your purse?"


"they're not quite ankles"

Misspelling a word already spelled correctly in the same sentence, perhaps a new Anti-Caption record.

Look, lady - I don't care how original the sin was. Just pick out the perp and you can go home.

"...alright, Yahweh, what did you hear? 'The drain remains sprawling on the crane?' Haha! Alright, Ms. Janet Reno, what was the original message? 'The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.' Hahaha! Now wait a second... Lucifer! You changed it on purpose, you old so-and-so!"

Telephone Joke II

"...what'd you hear, Yahweh? 'The quarter lies on the grass.' Haha! And Ms. Janet Reno, what was the secret message? 'The quarter lies on the grass.' UGH!! Come on! This game blows..."

"I'm not supposed to give you a hint, but Randy Newman has already pointed out the guy in the middle."

And you're sure it was a blue dress? 'Cause this one was wearing the black jacket when we picked him up.

Ok, Mrs. Richman, he was like #3, only it's pronounced "Boo-da".

"Ma'am, do you recognize any of these people as the suspect?"

"We could hold Him for 'animal'. 'Anomalous'? ......Might be iffy."

"Scott McClennan's new book reveals that the one with the devil horns and pitchfork is actually a low-life scumbag who lies and cheats...Who knew?"

With apologies, and special thanks, to 'al in la' : "Vincent Bugliosi's new book reveals that that 'chameleon' with both devil horns and pitchfork is actually your low-brow, fugitive President (hint! hint!) who murdered, American lady."

"Okay, ma'am. Can you identify the perpetrator who is responsible for your shitty life?"

"Please, Miss, you must pick one to be the new spokesman for Trident® Sugarless Gum.

"I'm glad you're so certain it was the man in the devil costume. Though, unfortunately, they passed a law earlier this evening that effectively legalizes rape . . . No, I'm just kidding, it's still way illegal."

Did I mention we're a UnItarian precinct?

You wouldn't believe the recidivist rate for these bums.

I gotta warn you lady, these SOB's are lawyered up like you wouldn't believe.

"Look, Ma'am, just say it was one of these guys. We'll get in trouble if we bring in Muhammed"

"....Yeah, right...I'm SURE they can't see or hear you."

".....not to mention it's one of the guy's poker night."

"...I do recall him telling me, he knew, with good authority, that the Cubs wouldn't win the World Series for ANOTHER 100 years...."

"I know they've all tried to fuck with your mind, but which one did you marry in Vegas?"

"We caught them all wearing your underwear. That's why Buddha is smiling--he's got on your thong."

"That's not dust. They're orbs."

"OK, you may step back Number Two. Now Number Three, will you please step forward and say 'Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!'"

"Here we have on display the original cast of 'Friends'."

"Which Doctor? No, they aren't doctors, they're criminals."

"And this is the most top secret of our prison chambers here at Area 51. We contain them because if they were ever released we'd have world peace, and that's bad for capitalism."

"It was the 'whale?' I'm sorry ma'am, which one are you referring to?"

"Greetings, ma'am. How are you enjoying your visit to this museum, which is not a police station?"

(Thinking) "Doing ketamine, scoping chicks. Man, this museum job is the shiznit."

"Pick your favorite. We'll cook up a war to destroy the others."

We outsourced the line-up to Madame Tussaud.

Wipe off that goddamn smile, number 3.

Number 4, step forward and say, "I am God."

Starting at the left repeat the phrase: "Okay, Lady, your immortal soul, your virginity, or your life!" And make it sound convincing!

"Oh, and by the way, the bird god says he's your sister."

Yuck! Let's not do that again! My hand smells like your thingy!

"What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding, bitch?"

"Of course, they are as nothing compared with our Supreme Lord and Master, Drew Dernavich."

"Thank you, suspect number 3. Suspect number 4, please step forward and reveal whether you have an inny or an outy."

Okay Maam, which one appeared when you cried, "Oh god I'm coming"?

Can I give you a little advice mam? Don't mix Ecstasy and Boniva. It makes women do wicked-strange things.

Bachellor number 2 says you got soul.

"If you do agree to testify, we'll put you in the Jehovah's Witness protection program."

We're sorry for your loss, Mrs. Clinton. We've rounded up the usual suspects.

Your vulnerability as a victim makes you totally hot.

Jehovah's Witness protection program; That's funny stuff, Al!

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