May 19, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #147

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Fuck, it's the dream again. I'm on trial, surrounded by tiny non-whale mammals, and I don't even know what I'm being tried for. Wake up, don't worry, you'll wake up, wake up." — Snazzy Spazz

"Did I mention that my client's last name is Kennedy?" —Kathy H

"Objection! ANOTHER request for production of documents? Your honor, I believe this discovery process is excessive. And frankly, my client has been made to jump through too many hoops already!" —Stevo Darkly

Honorable mention
"Jokes about the corrupt U.S. judicial system are really funny to white people." — J.D.

"Isn't it true my client only confessed after he was air-boarded?!?"—al in la

"Your honor, I object to this kangaroo court. My client would prefer some other kind of animal court--ideally, a whale court."— Chris

"I'll have a ham on rye and my clent will have a bucket of minnow..."— Anonymous

"Your honor, my client requests a jury of his peers! And some water. Immediately." —Deborah

"You're out of orca! You're out of orca! The whole trial is out of orca! They're out of orca!" —JohnnyB

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Holy shit, I can't believe I'm first. First !!!

I object! How the hell can I come up with a funny line when I can't even tell what my client is? I demand an adjournment until Ziegler learns how to draw!!!!

"Objection! This line of question has no legitimate porpoise! Did I just say porpoise? Ha ha! Sorry, Your Honor, I'm totally baked right now."

Once again I must reject the legitimacy of this human court to pass judgment on my client, an inflatable pool toy.

Objection !!! This is clearly witness intimidation !!! Your honor, in the window behind you, known consorts of the defendants are brazenly cruising by within the view of the plaintiff. Turn around and see for yourself !!!

Your honor, the term "killer whale" is a misnomer. It's actually a type of dolphin!


"Your honor, I must object. This witness is in no way an expert on krill!"

Orca in the court! Orca in the court!

"Your honor, my client is thirsty."

"Your honor. The Orca's here are obscene!"

[nod to kejo]

Rapist! Rapist! Rapist!

What happens in SeaWord doesn't always stay in SeaWorld you pervert!

Objection, your honor! My client is not a killer whale, he's merely a tortfeasor whale!

"Your honor, my client requests a jury of his peers! And some water. Immediately."

I'd like a lawyer that isn't a whale, your Honor.

Fuck, it's the dream again. I'm on trial, surrounded by tiny non-whale mammals, and I don't even know what I'm being tried for. Wake up, don't worry, you'll wake up, wake up.

Your honor, my client was not responsible for the death of that hobbit. He's an orca, with an "a" at the end!

"Objection! Council is leading the witness."

"Your honor, my client is a panda bear, you fat fuck."

"Heil Hitler!"

"I don't think it's fair my lawyer is a whale and the state's attorney is a people!"

"Objection! My client was brought here hooded, shackled and blindfolded. Before today, he had never even heard of Guantanamo Bay."

This case is about copyright infringement. As you know, this cartoon first appeared in "The New Orca"

"Teeth? You can't handle the teeth!"

Objection! Unless this courtoom is about 60 feet wide, I don't see how we can continue without any plaintiffs.

“Well then, is Your Honor’s killer wife a murderer too?”

"Your honor, the Orca behavior known as spyhopping is a social activity that predates the Patriot Act by more than 10,000 years."

"Don't forget the anchovies!"

"Objection! New York Law clearly states that a marital therapist must inform his clients of the presence of a killer whale BEFORE they enter the tank."

"Am I the only one who finds this dorsal fin maddeningly erotic? Sorry to interrupt, but it's gotten to the point where all I think is DORSAL FIN DORSAL FIN DORSAL FIN *splooge*."

"That is not blowhole juice on the ceiling, your honor!"

"Free Willy!! And free Willy's willie!!"

"My client smells like vagina!"

“Objection! Prosecution must stop referring to my client as, ‘that black bastard!’”

"This is because he's black,/i>, isn't it!"

Objection! My client is not "black" - the proper term is orca-American!

"In accordance with the totally obvious premise of this cartoon, I demand that my client be referred to as an orca rather than a killer whale, so as not to bias the jury."

"Orca-jection, your honor!"

"That Little Mermaid whore asked for it!"

"Screeeee kaaaaaaaaaa WOOOO!"

"Your honor, I object to this kangaroo court. My client would prefer some other kind of animal court--ideally, a whale court."

"Objection! Counsel is keep-on-truckin' the witness!"

Objection! The term "killer whale" is inflammatory and can only prejudice the jury against my client!

If Mr. Simpson cares to wear a whale suit, it is his first amendment right!

Sham me, you're honor? Sham(y)u!

Whales are mammals you stupid fuck, they breathe air. There's nothing logically inconsistent going on here.


"Objection, objection ! 'Prosecution' knows very well that my client has pleaded 'permanent state of inFINity' !"

My client is NOT a fish!

"One moment, if it please the court ! My client asks that the painting 'PUGET WHALESHIP' be removed from view of the jury on grounds that it both offends his sensitivities and may tend to prejudice to his disfavor any verdict that it might ultimately render."

"'Free Willy 4: The Rape Trial' made quite the splash on CourtTV."

Your Honor, how could this court hold my client financially responsible for his psychotherapy? That was in a completely unrelated cartoon...AND IN NO WAY DOES THE COMPLAINTENT RESEMBLE A SEA CAPTAIN!

"Save the Whales!"

"You're out of orca! You're out of orca! The whole trial is out of orca! They're out of orca!

"Your Honor, this testimony is clearly forbidden under Ahab v. Dick, 1st Circuit, 1865."

I must object to whales teleporting themselves into this courtroom.

"Your Honor, my client's movie, 'Fondling Nemo', is clearly distiquisable from Disney's product. There is NO infringement."

"I have a WHALE of an objection here."

"Objection ! Attorney knows very well that by reference to 'bucket of cold water' in my opening remarks, I had no intention to brag in any manner as to what I would do to the State's arguments, but merely to establish my client's right to life, unless and until proven guilty-- and thus, to periodic re-hydrations in this court of law !"

"Sorry to disrupt this cruise-ship performance of 'Inherit the Wind,' but people, we are indeed sinking! Wake up! Why do you think there's a fucking whale right next to me, huh? HUH????"

"Your honor, as comic relief, I would like to direct the Court's attention to the Seinfeld episode entitled The Marine Biologist."

"Objection! Your honor, those fluourescent lights in the ceiling are really, really bright. Is there some way to turn them down a little?"

"Fa loves Pa."

Your Honor, the painting above you is so obviously related to the theme of this cartoon. We need to subpoena Ziegler.

Water in the court! Water in the court! My client is getting dehydrated.

I object to this witness' testimony regarding his service on the USS Indianapolis, as it is clearly prejudicial against my client.

"Your honor, must I remind the Court of the myriad of reasons why my client -- who, by the way, is not

named Ziegler -- would 'tag' the back of the nearby seat with the word Ziegler ?!"

Objection! As this alleged "harassment" took place over the internet, the witness would not have known that my client is a killer whale.

"If it please, Your Honor ! 'Expert Witness' is fully aware of the fact that the surrounding envelope of a shark's flesh will digest away quickly within any Orca's stomach cavity, leaving no evidence that it was ever there ! I have always maintained that my client went for a shark, not realizing that poor little Johnny was halfway down that shark's gullet at the time ! Subsequently, thus, when the shark wore away under the assault of my client's stomach acids , CSI-Seattle seemed to be presented with 'Prima faciae' evidence, by the time of X-rays , that my client had cruelly and premeditatively intended to take a young and innocent human life, in and of itself, whereas in actuality there could be nothing further from the truth ! ....So yeah, we object !"

"This sure is one whale of a problem. And who let this whale in here?"

"My client pleas guilty on the charge of killing."

"My lawyer may be a whale, but at least he's not a shark!"

"Better make that a large pizza."

"I submit that Cookie Puss was in fact a space alien and thereby not protected by our laws and that it was therefore within my client Fudgie's rights to kill and devour him."

"We're having a whale of a time your honour."

"The whale on my right, or your right?"

“It may please the court to know that while my client’s behavior appears predatory, it is in fact part of an elaborate balance of nature, and the framed Buttersworth behind you is a canvas transfer.”

"It appears that even the penguins are using steroids."

"I object!"

"Look! A monkey! [whispered:] Quick! Run for it! Oh, fuck, right-- no legs. Sorry."

"Objection! My client has the right to clearly see exhibit A, the picture of the ship he allegedly sunk! He must therefore be permitted to wear glasses, like everyone else in this courtroom!"

You found his tooth embedded in your client? His Tooth?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE HIS TOOTH!

"My client needs to be excused. He had Mexicans for lunch."

"It's a black and white thing; you wouldn't understand!"

"Objection! Your honor, leading the witness."

"Sustained. Council, please rephrase the question."

Your honor I request a recess. I just realized I was supposed to bring the citation to this hearing. My mistake.



"I'll have a ham on rye and my clent will have a bucket of minnow..."

Your honor. Opposing counsel is clearly on a whaling expedition.

Objection! My client cannot be held responsible for an act of cod.

Your honor!

The notable differences between dolphins and porpoises are these!

Dolphins always have cone-shaped teeth!
Porpoises always have spade-shaped teeth!

Dolphins usually have a beak!
Porpoises never have a beak!

Dolphins usually have a hooked or curved dorsal fin; some have no dorsal fin!
Porpoises usually have a dorsal fin shaped like a triangle; some have no dorsal fin!

My client is a dolphin! Let us be clear on that!

" I object your honor! Exhibit "A", Shamu's penis, has not been proven as the murder weapon! "

Your honor I request a recess. I just realized I was supposed to bring a cetacean to this hearing. My mistake.

Your Honor, I see buttocks in the clouds outside the window!

Objection! The prosecution is attempting to equivocate the word "breach" as in "breach of contract," which is a civil tort, with the act of leaping above the surface of a body of water, which is normal and lawful behavior for sea mammals, in a manner that is not only prejudicial to my client, but also fails to do justice, if you'll pardon the phrase, to the humorous potential of these proceedings.

FUCK...SHIT...PISS...eh sorry it's my Turrets.

Sorry to interrupt, Your Honor, but could you tell State's Exhibit C to spit out my lawyer?

(I like it better this way:)

Sorry to interrupt, Your Honor, but could you tell The People's Exhibit C to spit out my lawyer?

Your Honor, I suspect opposing counsel has placed thumtacks on the seat of my chair...Fuck, it hurts!

"My client wishes to retract his statement, 'Yes, the Gorton's Fisherman deserved to die, and I hope he burns in Hell.'"

"I'm out of order? You're out order! This whole ... Christ, what is that godawful smell?"

"Your honor, if I may quote from Ogden Nash:
I kind of like the playful porpoise,
A healthy mind in a healthy corpus.
He and his cousin, the playful dolphin,
Why they like swimmin like I like golphin.

"With all due respect, your honor, may I suggest that when you're a whale being tried under a portrait of the fucking Pequod, then harpooning the DA's ass with the counsel table is in fact poetic justice."

"Your honor, my client would like to change his plea to guilty. ... Guilty of being a perennial crowd-pleaser and the adorable mascot of our entire local tourism industry!"

"Your honor, before this trial I did not know that a maker of scrimshaw was known as a scrimshander."

"Your honor, this court does not have jurisdiction over my client! He's from Wales."

Your honor, my client deserves a jury of his piers.

"We're gonna need a bigger court."

"If one more schmuck behind me makes a 'splash zone' joke, I'll...I'll...I'll..."

"Your Honor, you never really know a killer whale unless you put on his blubber and walk around in it. Luckily, I have a dead one right here."

Universal Pictures presents "Inherit the Chum"

"What does my client's sexuality have to do with seal blubber, your honor?!"

"Your honor, I demand this case be thrown out immediately. Make no mistake, my client is a killer whale. But this is a rape case. The evidence clearly suggests this crime was perpetrated by two culprits: a sperm whale and a humpback whale."

"Don't I look like I'm playing piano? Why's this guy standing and pointing?"

With all due repect to Captain Ahab's tragic tale of woe. this is clealry a case of mistaken identity.

With all due repect to Captain Ahab's tragic tale of woe, this is clearly a case of mistaken identity.

A travesty of justice? I'll tell you what a travesty of justice is! This poor Orca making ends meet working weekends as the fish mascot for Red Lobster.

Your HONOR! Is justice now so cheap that this court can be bribed with a fin?!

Objection! Having an erect fin is natural for an Orca... not lewd and lascivious behavior.


"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.

If the shoe fits, wear it.

If the Foo shits,wear it.

If Shamu shits,...... we're fucked."

"Oh my god, my client has a fin!!!"

"Hey, who you calling a 'humpback,' counsellor?"

"Judge Ishmael, I demand you recuse yourelf!"

Objection your honor! Clearly the severed bloody leg was planted in my client's jaw!

"You honor, the defense moves to adjourn." "What for?" "My
client would like to swim around in the jury pool."

"Objection! My client is neither an 800-pound gorilla nor the elephant in the room!

My client needs full custody of the children. So what if they can't survive underwater, THEY'L LEARN!

"Can we speed this up? My client is going to die if he isn't back in the tank soon."

My client is not slouching your Honor, he's just out of his element.

"Might I suggest that you ask the so-called witness why he persistently came home late each night for years - oh yes you did, don't give me that look, Jerome - came home late each night, leaving me always to care for our son, Shamu?"

"Nobody drink the water! I think someone has put LSD in it!"

"Perhaps this whale next to me will refresh your memory!"

"Objection ! Defense is prepared to present several clients of 'Angler Al's Deepwater Ventures' willing to swear that at one time or another they DID SO hear the plaintiff shout, "Here you go, 'chum' !" just before playfully tossing his young boy Billy into the streaming wake of the 'Seamaster 56' ! .... Indeed, we are in position to bring forth one witness who will tell the court he repeatedly cautioned the plaintiff against such 'needless incitements to piscene appetites', if I remember his phrasing correctly. ....So yeah, we petition for 'dismissal' !"

"But my client is a burn victim! His prosthetic skin should not prevent him from swimming competitively in the Olympics!"

"Does this client make my ass look big?"

"We're here, we're queer, get used to it!"

"Niagara Falls!"

"Down by the bay
Where the watermelons grow
Back to my home
I dare not go
For if I do
My mother will say
'Did you ever see a whale
With a polka dot tail
Down by the bay?'
....Your Honor, I'd like to ask for a recess ...and dibs on the jumprope."

After changing their mascot from the "Fightin' Drunk Injuns," Florida Tech State University Institute Community College Online couldn't get a break.

"*Grrgle grrgggle grrg! Grrg! GRRRRRG! *gulp* x.x"

"Did I mention that my client's last name is Kennedy?"

"Your honor, pursuant to Title I of the Americans with Disabilities Act, my client is entitled to a whale-specific chair."

"Your honor, can we move the proceedings along? My ferry to Woods Hole leaves in 15 minutes."

" Is this the appendage of a Killer (Whale)? No! It is the dorsal fin of a sensitive, educated (Monterey Aquarium, class of 04) cetacean ,affectionally known as "Old Tom" (Lecter)."

That's right, your honor, my client STRENUOUSLY objects. He's a two ton cold water whale in a stifling courtroom. How else would he fucking object?

Your honor we demand that the term 'blow-hole' be struck from the record and replaced by something less gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

(Judge's thought balloon) 'Yawn. One more outburst like that and you'll both be on the endangered species list.'

"False advertising? In a personal ad? That’s preposterous! ‘BBW’ is not the sole province of amply proportioned women, your honor."

Your honor, We move for a change of venue. The lack of fresh Plankton in area stores is intolerable!

"Objection! Witness is telling a whale of a story, a real killer I might say; and what porpoise does it serve? You orca be ashamed! I can't think of a pun on dolphin!

"If counsel intends by this document to infer that it's in my client's nature to commit the crime alleged, then I object under Rule 404(a). Even assuming that it's offered for a different purpose, I fail to see how the probative value of a written transcript of 'When Animals Attack' could possibly outweigh the prejudice to my client."

"Wang vs. Wong clearly precedent, Your Honor ! In a 1972 case in the county of Los Angeles, jurors were unable to establish Wang's criminal culpability for the death of Wong during a switch-blade brawl, as many spectators as not claiming Wong first attacked Wang with his switch-blade, rather than vice versa ! Wang was eventually acquitted on grounds of self-defence in a drawn-out trial in which courtroom mutters were often in the vein of, 'Who can tell one Chinaman from another ?'-- Just so, when Duke Kuwhannamahu fell from his surfboard he was seen by a Greenpeace boat in the vicinity to be offering threatening swipes with a long, vicious 'Bowie' toward a pod--a pod, mind you !-- of nearby Orcas who in no way, theretofore, had shown the least hostile intent toward the victim ! Rushing into the area subsequent to the pod's movements in reaction to the victim's aggressive behavior, 'Greenpeace' was unable to determine which Orcas had initially sliced Kuwannamahu in quarters as neatly as if they had all 'gone divvies' ! ....So now ! My client has never to this day been determinatively picked out of one single police line-up as one of Kuwannamahu's first four assailants, such the notorious difficulty of distinguishing a defendant such as my client from any other member of his species-- as much so in this present case as was ever averred in the case of the Chinamen, Wang and Wong ! .... But I'll have more on this later, Your Honor."

Your honor, the very name "The People's Court" is prejudicial to my client.

"I object, your honor! What is that thing over the door supposed to be? How in the name of all that's holy can I be expected to conduct a defense with that thing over the door?"

"My client was not

crossing state lines for immoral porpoises."

"You don't think I'll touch his fin?! Look!! Look!! I'm touching his fin!!!"

Your honor, Shamu is my client's stage name. I would request that opposing counsel refer to him by his given name, Marlin Fischbein.

"Isn't it true my client only confessed after he was air-boarded?!?"

"I object!... and my whale objects, too!"

"I thought we were here to clear a traffic 'cetacean' issued to my client!"

"...and furthermore, our Flounder... (I mean 'Founding Fathers') would never want us to Frigate...
(I mean 'Forget')... that to establish a Perfect Union (wait... I meant to say 'Perverted Sexual Union') oops...wait... I DID mean to say Perfect Union..."

"The conditions in this court are cetacean!"

"Ha! Made ya look!"

"Your Honor! My client would like to make a statement about masturbation and sex with his mother. It has nothing to do with this case, but it's crucial to winning the anti-caption contest!"

"You're goddamm right he ordered a Code Red!!"

"My client was clearly violated after he slipped her a tranquilizer. Whether or not her actions before that were flirtatious is immaterial."

"Unendurable, Your Honor ! That pair of draped harpoons above the door to your chambers can have no other purpose but to induce a nervous and even jittery air in my client, who might otherwise face his accusers with just such an aspect as the most innocent of babes ! ....Really !"

We object to the accent of the witness from Boston. Calling my client a "Killah' Whale is clearly colors the perspective of the all white jury. Not that there's anything wrong with 'color.'

Objection you Honor! The prosecution, by moonwalking backwards, is squeaking his shoes in a manner obscene and suggestive in whale talk!

"Jokes about the corrupt U.S. judicial system are really funny to white people."

"Your Honor, my client, Mr. Tennessee Tuxedo is an honest, hardworking performer who has earned the respect of the entertainment industry. At various times from the year 2000 to 2002 he was treated by his friend Chumley with what he thought was flaxseed oil and lydocaine. He would never knowingly take illegal cartoon performance-enhancing drugs or Penguin Growth Hormone. The fact that he likes to masturbate while thinking of his mother is immaterial."

"Your Honor, my client's Ahabeas Corpus rights are being violated!"

"Dorsal fin, not ventral. Even the twins in the front row know that, asshole!"

"Your honor, we plead the fifth amendment... and I know it isn't funny; but ladies and gentlemen... lest we forget... this is an ANTI- caption contest!"

...and this is the best week yet!!

"Objection! Hearsay!"

"Just a moment ! One moment, if you please ! With the Court's indulgence ! I don't believe anyone here in Toonville District Court has yet mentioned, much less commented upon, the mild, almost invariable weather--as seen through the window to my left--which we have been enjoying these past few days, thanks no doubt to our estimable Creator for whatever inscrutable purpose of His own ! ....I just wanted to say that, Your Honor ! No one else had. Thanks."

"Think you can put words in my mouth ! ....Everybody thinks they can put words in my mouth !... Like I was some freakin' 'dummy', or whatever ! .......Whoa ! Chris'sake ! Where'd that come from, Your Honor ? Man ! Like 'Out the blue' ! Sorry ! No hard feelings ! Intemperate outburst ! Sorry !"

" 'The dorsal fin of the female is shorter and generally more curved' -- that's from Wikipedia !"

“My client, indeed, swallowed Pinocchio, but his death resulted from abuse of prescription medications!”

"Sit *down*, Mr. Stewart. If your lawyer has any objections, I'm sure he'll bang his fin on the table or something."

Your honor, I move for dismissal. The plaintiff clearly a speech impediment, and therefore it's only reasonable to assume he was attacked "by the coast of Kilauea", and not "on the coast by a killer whale". Well, actually, that doesn't prove a thing, but I've been saving that pun for *years*.

"Hold on , Judge ! Witness's flip remarks regarding my client's sincere efforts to sign his 'X' to the document presented are greatly unappreciated ! .... And say, you two wouldn't happen to be related, would you ?! Oh, not so closely as those twins there in the front row, I don't say that-- maybe more like cousins ? There things, suspicious things coming down here... I mean, beside the snickers at his writing ! I'm gonna check if there's some nepotism.....little conflict of interest ! Yeah, laugh ! Go on !.... In cahoots !"

"Objection! Unless and until my client is found guilty, he is only an ALLEGED killer whale!"

[You guys kept coming close to the obvious caption, but you never quite got there. Now that that's out of the way ... }

"Objection! These proceedings are a sham, you!"

"Objection! My client did not utter the threat 'I'm gonna kill you all on campus'! He said, 'I am a killer whale, or "grampus." ' He is being railroaded merely because he has a rather thick accent."

"I'm not going to deny that my client drove the taxi up the stairs. My objection is to the fact that the judge, plaintiff, and prosecuting attorney were fraternizing at the social club."

"Objection! ANOTHER request for production of documents? Your honor, I believe this discovery process is excessive. And frankly, my client has been made to through too many hoops already!"



"Objection! ANOTHER request for production of documents? Your honor, I believe this discovery process is excessive. And frankly, my client has been made to jump through too many hoops already!"

"As you can see your honor, my client, R. Kelly, looks nothing like the man in that video."

"I plead that sex with an inflatable whale is not beastiality!"

Diving too fast in a school zone? Scaling up a brine wave? I've haddock with this abalone!

Whale watching? Whale watching?

He was watching my client suck his mother's nipples while entertaining an erection.

Thats far from just "Whale watching"

"I move for a mistrial, your honor. My client is entitled to a jury from the piers."

"AMBESOL! That't the stuff, your honor... and my sympathy for your nasty tooth ache."

"I move for dismissal on the grounds that making my client attend this trial absent a salt water pool is cruel and unusual punishment!"

"I don't believe it's possible to Mr. Shamu to get a fair trial from a suburban white jury."

"This is 2008 America and every person in this courtroom is white except the defendant who is black, and a fish. I'm just sayin' ..."

[Honest -- I've been formulating this for days and did not see the one directly above -- honest, you got to believe me! DAYUM!]

"Object to the term 'Scum-bag fish,' your honor...My client is a 'Sperm Whale.'"

This script sucks!

Spermaceti, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?

"Objection ! My client is set to 'blow his anchovies' over the preposterously rigged sailing vessel behind you, Judge !.....We don't need that."

"Tuna fish in 'wry' --and hold the PCB's, please ! .....So, O.K., fine me ! I'm out of order."

" 'Freebies', Your Honor ?! We will be furnishing abundant evidence before you today that PORPOISES have for centuries done the very same thing without civil consequence as that for which my client is suddenly held to be financially liable in a court of law ! Where's the harm, Judge, if my client suddenly recognizes 'a good thing when he sees it'?! .....Frigin' kill-joys !"

(a half hour of whistling sounds above the range of human hearing)

“Request for second chair to lunch on prosecution’s witness.”

"Hey! Smell my finger! C'mon! Smell my finger! Dammit, smell my finger, already!"

"Can't you understand? That if you take a law like evolution and you make it a crime to teach it in the public schools, tomorrow you can make it a crime to teach it in the private schools? And tomorrow you may make it a crime to read about it. And soon you may ban books and newspapers. And then you may turn Catholic against Protestant, and Protestant against Protestant, and try to foist your own religion upon the mind of man. If you can do one, you can do the other. Because fanaticism and ignorance is forever busy, and needs feeding. And soon, your Honor, with banners flying and with drums beating we'll be marching backward, BACKWARD, through the glorious ages of that Sixteenth Century when bigots burned the man who dared bring enlightenment and intelligence to the human mind! ... What the fuck?"

OBJECTION! Please address the defendant as Mr. Whale.

We're #1! We're #1!

God will strike you down where you sit, you fuckin' liar!

oops, the above was mine.


I bid $500 on the 4 eyed honkey!

(I know-- winners never edit, and editors never win, but nonetheless it must be done.)

I bid $500 on the four-eyed honkey!

"Oh my god, look! He just took us out of the freezer. He's finally decided to eat his waffle. Here comes the toaster, brace yourselves! THEN THE SYRUP."

"Tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle!!!!!!"

I know what you're thinking, did he write five captions or six? And with all the excitement going on I lost track myself......

"Your Honor, my client finds it quite distressing that juror number two is wearing fishnets."

"Now please watch as my associate demonstrates how something long and pointy could have been inserted into my client's blowhole."

Your honour, my client is a KILLER whale, not a HUMPBACK whale. There's no way he would have sodomized those children! And even if he did, he definitely wouldn't have left them alive!

"Can someone please open a window? It's a frickin' sauna inside here!"

"Now that we've gotten rid of the elephant, who's going to deal with this orca?"

Please show the courtroom exactly where the Eskimos touched you.

Lawyer: If someone’s in custody, as in Abu Ghraib, and they are brutalized, by a law enforcement person — if you listen to the expression “cruel and unusual punishment,” doesn’t that apply?

Judge: No. To the contrary. You think — Has anybody ever referred to torture as punishment? I don’t think so.

Lawyer: Well I think if you’re in custody, and you have a policeman who’s taken you into custody–

Judge: And you say he’s punishing you? What’s he punishing you for? … When he’s hurting you in order to get information from you, you wouldn’t say he’s punishing you. What is he punishing you for?

"I object, your Honor! My friend talks about the 'elephant in the room' when we all know he's referring to my client."

"Seals were sold and the gold was sealed but the mold was old and blubber congealed."

"Free Willy! Free Willy! C'mon, it worked for Mumia! Oh wait, no it didn't. God, why do they give me all the hard ones?"

appeal Denied, willie back to your cell

Fuck, Radosh is just about to call it. In fact, he probably already has, he just hasn't posted the winners. I could write the most brilliant thing here, but it wouldn't matter.

Hell, Optimus. I did write the most brilliant thing here...and I'm sure it won't matter either.

Damn, another black guy being tried in an all white court!

Oh my God! He has his fucking condom covered penis on the table how can you say he was not practicing safe sex.

Your honor, i must insist that the prosecution desist from calling my client a 'killer whale' as it is highly prejudicial to these proceedings.

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