April 21, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #143

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday." —David John

"But get this...she's inflated with the last breaths of the real victims" —Everett

"I'm up here, Jenkins." —Harry

Honorable mention
"Don't look so nervous. They asked for innovative packaging for a double CD album, and that's what we're giving them." —Walt

"Yes, yes, her anus is all stretched. Get over it." —Rubrick

"This cartoon perpetuates a culture of violence against women and woman-like objects." —RichM

"Struggle if it makes you feel better, but I want you to struggle ... oh, hi Arthur." —Charles

"What attracts me most about a woman? Her eyes. Especially if they're ungodly huge jiggly eyes attached to her chest region." —Stevo Darkly

"As you may have surmised, Wilson, my sex life is also sub-prime." —therblig

"She came in a box, and so the fuck did I!" —Swaption

"The hours here are fairly typical." —mypalmike

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"I just flew in from L.A. and boy, is my dick tired."

It's for my son. I think he might be gay.

"Sorry, Fred. I'm not gay."

"I'm late for a meeting with Howard Stern....Baba-Booey."

"I keep it by my wife’s side, in the trunk of the car.”

“HOV lane.”

“Her doctor said I can’t leave her unattended anymore.”

“Careful, Gertie, there’s someone watching us. Just be quiet, look straight ahead, and we’ll be fine.”

Helen always gets like this when she first soaks her blunts in formaldehyde.

The whores here are neoprene.

Geez Johnson, when they said bring your girl to work day, they meant your DAUGHTER! How could you not know that?? So are you really fired? OF COURSE you're fired! Man I would have liked to see their faces...ha! Not that it was that funny - sorry pal...in this economy wow, it's gonna be tough. And you can kiss your reference good-bye I guess...

"No, asshole, my name isn't Lars."

bringing your girlfriend to work huh lars?

"She's not bad, she's just drawn that way."

"Didja ever notice how The New Yorker occasionally sticks some tits in their comics, just to shake things up? I wonder if anyone ever masturbates to those."

"No, I didn't bring my lunch; I'm eating out today."

"If you must know, my wife was killed recently and this provides some comfort for me."

"Ooops, this was supposed to stay in Vegas."
(yes that's a rip off of a cartoon in last week's magazine)

"You're right, her boobs do look fake."

"After the lapel-pin flap, I just didn't feel that my inflatable life-sized anatomically correct Obama sex doll adequately represented my patriotism."

"Yes, only her left foot, left hand, and right boob can move."

"Greetings earthling. I bring you this inflatable sex doll as a token of love."

"I'm up here, Jenkins."

"The boss caught me looking at porn again. Let's see his fancy computer program catch me with this."

“It’s the latest in pie chart displays.”

"Oh my GOD! AAAAAGGGGHHH - call a doctor, PLEASE! I've been impaled by a flying naked woman!"

"Women do not find me attractive."

"No, it's the latest in underarm deodorants."

"Y'know, the New Hedonism is OK, but I miss the charm of old-style prostitutes, with the sexy outfits and the poses on the street corners and, you know, having to go up to a room and everything."

"Yeah, but, she's got to do something about that hairdo."

Don't look so nervous. They asked for innovative packaging for a double CD album, and that's what we're giving them.

“Inflation can be a good thing.”

"I'm hoping this will squelch those gay rumors."

"Regular masturbation was causing skin irritation."

"I'm hoping to get fired so I can collect unemployment."

What? You need glasses.

"She's part of our new focus group evaluating bicycle pumps."

"For god's sake, Dmitri, don't tell Alyoshka what I did to Petrushka or he'll be unable to carry a message of uplift at the end of the novel."

"Let's just say it's Mrs. Radosh and leave it at that...okay?"

"Sorry, Tim, she doesn't have a sister."

"Say Bill, when did you start carrying your lunch to work?"

I'm gonna take it home and fuck it. What the hell did you think I was going to do with it?

P.C.'s right, feet are difficult to draw. Now boobs, on the other hand...

I'm taking her back to the store. Her mouth is defective.

"Yes, yes, her anus is all stretched. Get over it."

"How do expect to make a sale with that attitude?"

"It's Judd Apatow's world, Jenkins, we just live in it. The sooner you come to grips with that the better."

"Boy that Sinatra sure has class, don't he?"

"It's a gift from my mother."

This will be good for us, just like when mom had that threesome with us. It will keep her memory alive. You really think she looks like her, huh?

"Why do you think no one believes that we're Jehovah's Witnesses, Elder Hymie?"

"Can you believe it? My throbbing hot stick of love was inside of her sweet, wet yoni of love only a few minutes ago."

"Yes, Smithers, my penis protrudes out of my back...So, when you look at it that way, carrying this doll around like this is a courtesy to you and everyone else around here, don't you think?"

"No, Smithers, I won't let you sniff my right armpit."

"Fine, Smithers -- so how do YOU suggest I dispose of dead hookers?"

It's for my smug librarian wife - she told me to bring her some Trollope.

"I'm warming up for 'Casual Sex Fridays.'"

"She's 2 bucks a minute, minimum 10 minutes. And don't forget to tell them about the cleaning deposit and rent-to-own option."

"I'm wearing my hard on my sleeve. Get it? Hard on my sleeve? Oh, I can't get over myself sometimes."

"We call it our 'Larry SHAG' model."

"This one has the most realistic implants."

"Now stay away from her, needledick!"

"You'd be astonished how many Christians want to pop her....church-ladies, they're the worst."

Don't be surprised--she's a Barnard grad.

"Damn hermaphrodite...5" inch nozzle !.....Yeah, who was the bright CEO that hired his design-team out San Francisco ?!"

"Quit squirming, Gladys."

"Going down ? Hell, I GUESS !"

"Watkins, where is your inflatable sex doll?"

"Look what I won from that claw game at the bowling alley"

" 'Beefs' ? Not particularly.....They might have configured that 5" inch nozzle a tad less distractingly."

"No, it's a reel-to-reel tape machine I'm using to record the Board meeting."

"I'm just trying to keep abreast of the situation."

"Yeah, I know it's an odd cymbals holder, but it fools the percussion thieves."

"I know what you're thinking: foot binding went out years ago. Well think again."

"Wait 'til you see what's behind the OTHER door."

"Have you met my girlfriend? She's a real airhead. Ha, ha! By that, I just mean we've been going out almost a year and she has no idea I'm totally into sex dolls."

"This cartoon perpetuates a culture of violence against women and woman-like objects."

"Joe, door-to-door sex doll sales usually don't happen when you let the customer see you in cum in the doll. It's just 'in-and-out' a couple times so they get the idea."

"It's for my son. He's getting to that age, so I figure I'd just let nature answer all his questions. Got the idea from Dr. Phil."

"Would you PLEASE stop staring at her?! Last time you made her so self-conscious that it took me two weeks of romancing to get to do me again."

"My watch? It's Gucci"

"Axion ? No. Sermons ? I'll say !"

"Quick, do I have any semen dripping down the back of my coat?"

"And now in this new, so called 'H-e-l-p !' version, a guy just simply can't go wrong."

"I mean it, Susan: I am going to carry you around naked until you drop that stupid blasé expression... Oh, hi, Fred, how's it hangin?"

"I'm using chocolate cookie dough, just like they did in "2 Girls, 1 Cup.""

"Well, Numbnuts, after you bought the exact same briefcase as me, I have to give people something to tell us apart."

"I'm a tit man."

"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday."

"Somehow it's considered carry-on on Virgin Atlantic."

but it said goo-goo on the package.

"The airport security wouldn't have it. I mean, who the fuck am I gonna terrorize with this thing? Southern Baptists?"

"The tits are real."

"I walked right in front of the boss three times this morning and he didn't say anything. I'm starting to think the guy is passive aggressive."

"She's been in shock for three hours. I just found her this morning shivering violently on the kitchen floor. I was afraid to call 911 because I was so afraid they'd make it look like I was the bad guy...that was a mistake. Is there any way you can help at all? Please...this is my daughter."

"...empty inside. Why?"

"Tell Pontifex we're short a vestal and I made a game time decision. Deal with it."

"The best part is she's only 13 years old."

"We just won Breast In Show."

"Axiom ? No ! Sermons ? I'll say !!" -- (Duh !)--

"She's the perfect woman: jealous, catty, and obsessed with self-doubt related to body issues. What more could a man want?"

"Hold this."

"Overlapping tit syndrome."

"Thaaaanks...for the mammaries..."

"Put me DOWN, or I'll smother you with my bosom!"

"I'm working on the Clinton account."

Wait'll you see her face when I start doing this thing in front of everybody. I can't wait. Seriously, Patrick. I can't fucking wait.

"I didn't get the promotion."

my therapist suggested introducing Cathy around the office.

What! Like you don't have 2 or 3 of these at your house!?!

i only hope one day to have a real, meaningful conversation with her, ya know, really connect. NAH...I'm joking, I don't even like to fuck her anymore....want her?

"I won it in a fake caption contest--guess they ran out of books."

"Yeah, I have to return this one too. The quality went into the crapper when they started making them in China."

"Well, it's not like we make them wear burkas."

"Why yes! I am a N.Y. Jets fan. Never miss a game. How did you know?"

"Nipples in the New Yorker? I'm just as shocked as you are!"

I have to carry it this way or else everything will ooze out! No, I never thought of using corks.

"A secretary is not a toy Mr. Frump."

(1) "Did you know they also make them in the form of sheep? Wait, um, can we pretend you didn't just hear me say that?"

(2) "Thompson, this is your last warning. If I see you carrying dead, naked hookers down the hallway one more time, you can forget about that promotion."

(3) "Hey, you know who you could sell this to very easily? A bunch of black guys! Unless, of course, the basketball salesman gets to them first! Ha! Oh man, I'll miss making these kinds of jokes once this company starts hiring black people."

I am tired of jill, so here comes the new one.

..."I have discovered I don't get approached by panhandlers when carrying her on the way to the train.."

1) is this wrong? should i not be doing this? (in the voice of george constanza)

"I can't get over how much she resembles my sister."

"Some think of God, some think of Gaynor, but when I hear the name 'Gloria,' I think of pure carnal pleasure."

"The vagina is more lifelike than my wife's."

"Rush job, Max ! She's Moslem, you know. .... Damned elevators !"

"Wretched business: 'Rigor mortis', Batson ! Gravitational, sub-cutaneous bruising, and all the rest. ....Screen, screen !"

"Remember when you suggested we spice things up by bringing a woman into the bedroom? Well I'm not sure I'm ready for that. How about we try this sex doll first?"

It's bring your daughter to work day.

So I said, "You know what they say. Tiny hands....huge Johnson," and she was all mine.

"If Macy's can have a Thanksgiving Day parade, so can I."

"What growth?"

"I just happen to like knit ties."

"Flap harder! We'll never get off the ground."

"The Sunny Sunni model blows herself up."

"Human resources, my ass."

"She won't fit in the overhead compartment, but I'll fit in hers."

As a matter of fact, this is a new briefcase. Got it this weekend. Don't know quite how I feel about it yet.

"Hup! Tup! Thrup! FAWW!"

"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. She's from Uranus."

"Do you know what happens when the rubber gets old and brittle? Damn, that hurt!"

She's attached to my side, Thompkins, because of the extraordinary adhesive power of my semen. By the way, would happen to have a chisel?

She's attached to my side, Thompkins, because of the extraordinary adhesive power of my semen. By the way, would you happen to have a chisel?

Schoolhouse Rock gets a 21st century update with its debut video "Number 8".

"First off, it's not a 'Blow-up doll' it's an 'Inflatable Lovemate.' And No, I'm not ‘marrying’ her. We're having a 'commitment ceremony.' In fact, the Times is running our announcement in this Sunday's Style section."

Depends what you mean. I bought it because the package said that the breast were "like two fauns," and I was curious what that meant. I brought it to work to fuck it.

Struggle if it makes you feel better, but I want you to struggle ... oh, hi Arthur.

Carrying around my blow up doll is not a cry for help. It is a declaration of my gross seminal surplus.

"In Russia,inflatable doll blows you."

"Big O Tires? Straight and then left. Why do you ask?"

"My optometrist? Dr. Picasso. Why do you ask?"

i'm supporting objectophilia rights

"Apparently, she's right-tit-dominant."

Before using a fuckdoll, discuss your medical conditions, including heart problems, and medications, including alpha blockers prescribed for prostate problems or high blood pressure, with your doctor. There is also a rare risk of an erection lasting longer than four hours. To avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical attention.

"Damn! I keep stepping on these cracks!!"

"I love working for Consumer Reports."

Did you know that masturbating more than five times a week decreases your risk of prostate cancer?

"You can only get so far with feet as small as mine, if you know what I'm saying."

"Stop looking at my pecker, Dillo."

"Take my wife, please."

"Can't talk now -- Mr. Carter needs this immediately for the Marilyn Monroe photo shoot."

My mistake -- should be:

"Can't talk now -- New York magazine needs this immediately for the Marilyn Monroe photo shoot."

"I bought her at Titsmart."

It's a gift for our anniversary. My wife's big on blondes.

"Only her boobs are real."

"Forget about the inflatable doll. Just forget about it, okay? What I've been trying to tell you for what feels like a week already is that last week's Anti-Caption Contest has the wrong number on it. But I just don't seem to be getting through to you.

"I don't get it. Maybe this is all a nightmare, and when I wake up everything will be all right--the number will be correct and all of us will be happy again: you and me and the inflatable doll. I sure hope so!"

"Do you believe the New Yorker is sinking so low? Somehow, this makes the cut, but the giant dildo got censored. Next week - clowns!"

"I also carry my dick in this briefcase."

"I thought I told you to quit writing your name in the wet cement, P.C."

"Meet my conjoined sister, Margo. Her boyfriends get so pissed when she gets them all excited, but can't close the deal since her vagina is attached to my kidney."

"Mr. Brown - don't forget that the Smithfield company payroll must be submitted early this week. And, the Cutter's quarterly taxes are going to be late, so we need to file an extension. Well, what do you think accountants talk about?"

What did you think I meant when I said my wife and I had a blow-up last night?

I TOLD you my wife had an inflated ego!

I'm worried that my new girlfriend is just blowing hot air.

Thanks, I'll have her back tomorrow.

Uhh, you gonna eat that?

"Yeah, but you have to give her a blow job once a week, Quigley, so that she'll remain an airhead."

"Uh, here John. I'm giving this back to you. This is clearly not what I meant when I asked for a raise."

Did you see the Nikkei today? Off over a hundred points. I'm losing my retirement money in fucking Nintendo. At this rate, I'm going to be stuck with this old hag for the rest of my life.

"It's the only way I can satisfy my fetish for a woman with large breasts, S-shaped hair, and a face like Stewie's on _Family Guy_."

"As soon as we get to my hotel room, I'm going to screw you hard in every hole you've got, you slutty little whore piece of ass, and you're going to like it ... Oh, no, Smithers. I was talking to the blow-up doll."

"I just have a fetish for women who have large breasts and are completely paralyzed.

"What attracts me most about a woman? Her eyes. Especially if they're ungodly huge jiggly eyes attached to her chest region."

As you may have surmised, Wilson, my sex life is also sub-prime.

Politically Correct Vey, my ass!

"She's OK, but her eyes are really weird."

How's it goin? How's it goin? Well, let me tell you, 'How it's goin', Bob. First, I find out I only have one eye, and for some reason, my glasses will only rest on my forehead, rendering me essentially blind. And, of course, my right knee will only bend backwards, while my left only bends forward, so I'm bascially stuck here, going back and forth. And guess what else, Bob-O. Right now, I *really * have to take a piss, but the Braille written on those 2 doors behind us, not only says the same fucking thing, but the same fucking thing it says is the fucking number 9 in the fucking Czech language. And who knows what the fuck I'm holding in my right hand, 'cuz God only knows it ain't a DEAD FUCKING HOOKER! .... Oh. It is a dead hooker? Well, at least I have that going for me.

Okay, I bought the floor model at the Sex Toy Shoppe, and I have to carry it home. It sucks.... seriously, Bob. It sucks like a vaccuum! That's why I HAD to buy it!"

"No thanks, I already have one!"


"No one, and I mean NO ONE, puts Baby in a corner."

"What do you mean, 'NSFW'?"

"Do you want this thing? I'm done with it... I got a cut on my penis from a sharp edge on the plastic."

(Thought balloon extends from vicinity of female cartoon's head.)
"I hope we go to that great Thai place again."
(Thought balloon extends from vicinity of open-mouthed male cartoon character's head.)
"I hope she doesn't want to go back to Thai Palace yet again. Ugh. It's like eating stewed lawn grass."
At Thai Palace
(thought balloon again extends from her head.)
(Thought balloon again for his head, too.)
"Yuck. Just like always. Stewed lawn."

Whoopee cushions, this blow-up doll and and an gold plated wrist watch engraved with my years of service. Like anybody needs a wrist watch anymore. The cake was pretty damn good, though.

Hostile work environment? Try AWESOME work environment.

For your information, "Certified Pre-Owned" worked like a charm over at GM. That's why you're not an MBA.

Er, hold this for a sec, will ya?

Suzy wanted an American Girl doll, but like a douche I had to wait until the last minute.

If I find out who my Secret Santa was, so help me God ...

"....my hands are obviously full...the doorman's gonna want to high five me, so take care of it, ok?..."

".....My wife asked me to pick up dinner."

"Well, I suppose I could deflate her and put her in my briefcase. But then what's the point of having a trophy wife?"

"Jesus, relax, Bob, I'm not fucking it, I'm just carrying it."

"Oh, right... the twitching"

Our genius boss spent eight hours chatting this up while I banged his wife, his secretary and his cocker spaniel.

"Well, Harriet, if they made you drink a jar of spit, then maybe they aren't your friends in the first place"

"But get this...she's inflated with the last breaths of the real victims"

"Look, I'm sorry Jenkins drowned in the quicksand room. But I told you, I only had time to save either him or the doll. And between you and me, it wasn't exactly Sophie's Choice."

Man without glasses: "I like your boldness. But it cannot be."

"A pinata for the S&M crowd."

"Spaniards and Mexicans?"

"No, stupid motherf[bleep]rs like you."

So then she told me, "Either you solve this sexual harassment problem or you're going to have to fire me." I kinda liked seeing a broad's face in the morning, though. Then I figured "why not spring for a RealDoll for the boys?" You look shocked: you're not a fag, are you? Because they make a male RealDoll now too and I'm sure I can get a discount on a second one.

I liked it better in the old days when your bonus was in cash. Now with all the financial constraints this is my annual "bone-us" award.

"They told me there was a tiger behind one door and a lady behind the other. I'm not sure what I got cuz, damn, this bitch is a tiger!"

"She's paralyzed on her right side. And she can't stand it when I dress her."

"If I don't find a breast reduction surgeon shortly, I fear my wife's going to suspect something's up."

"This way, nobody's looking at the Q2 revenue numbers."

"Radosh invited a few of his new Bible-thumper friends over to the blog so I'm supoosed to stash this someplace for a few days."

This saved me during a rough water landing once. You can understand my attachment.

Can you believe they're just giving these away in conference room B? The White Plains Hilton rules.

Hah! She's in "ana-phallic" shock, if you know what I mean .... Wait, I said that wrong-- "anaphylactic" shock. See those ants coming out underneath those doors behind us and through those slits at the top? They're all over the floor too. I think they bit her lips and her chest and gnawed off her thumbs as well.

Clumsy Chloe fails the CEO "Stimulation" Simulation at the LapDance Academy, getting herself stuck in a cardboard cutout.

Kinsey Report: The Lost Files. Women secretly prefer having simulated sex with wax statues of dorky businessmen in Brooks Brothers suits.

"Who do those nutjobs think they are, trying to tell me abstinence education doesn't work?"

These are all way too funny. It's the first time in a long time that I actually read them all -- what a treat for Radosh. At least I hope it's a treat, since he's looking for unfunny comments. Oh, and this is not a caption. Or is it?

"Don't forget, she's a petroleum product. How many blondes go up in value every year?"

"I'm not a liberal. I'm a libertine."

"She came in a box, and so the fuck did I!"

She looks askance at everything I do, Bob.

I hate these humiliating jobs he gives us. You know, the V.P looks evil because he IS evil.

It's bring your daughter to work day.Y

"It's not what you asked, it's the way you asked...I swear,the 'How-are-you's' here are obsene."

"You know Byron, when you fuck a plastic bitch, never wear a condom or she'll get pregnant."

"Wait 'til I get to the club and start spinning the wax on this dual turntable. Shit's gonna be poppin'!"

"My client's wife is institutionalized elsewhere; but believe it or not, I was able to get him 'conjugal visits' by proxy.

"The hours here are fairly typical."

(Screenshot 1): Microsoft, failing in their bid to acquire Yahoo.com, buys Rockstar Games and quickly releases 'Grand Theft Auto: Business Edition' as part of a promotion to boost Vista sales. (Act Now! - and this caption can be used for last week's cartoon at a 5% discount!)

"Yo, Bob! Be a bud and lower the eyeglasses on my nose. Both my hands are full!"

"Geez... what a Perv!"

Was I the only guy who got the "Bring a Dead Hooker to Work" day memo?

"Care to join us for a three-way?"

The boys over at the Pentagon thought these would help our soldiers get through long deployments. Imagine their shock when they learned that after a day of killing innocent women and children, the last thing these men wanted to do was fuck an inflatable doll.

"Look at her, she hasn't slept a wink. I even tried telling her inflatable bedtime stories."

"She's voice activated--watch this. 'A little lower, no not there, you're getting warmer, right there, oh wow, that's perfect Linda, I mean Betty.' OUCH! TED GET HER OFF OF ME QUICK!!!!!"

"I could have left her at home, but it's one of those situations where I'll be fucked if I do, or fucked if I don't."

"Just between us, I like to fuck it."

"Eyes front, mac."

"12 rooms, 12 vacancies. Yes, Mother, I told him. Ha! That's a good one, Mother."


"Huh. I could have sworn they said 'feel free to bring along your best gal.' Or maybe it was 'feel free to share your naughty perversions.' Either way I've got it covered."

My *eyes* are up *here*, Frank.

Argh. I searched for the wrong sequence of words. Ignore my attempt.

Someday you'll have to teach me how to pick up girls!

"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."

"You'd carry one of these, too, if you had a naturally wide stance like I do."

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