The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #143
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday." David John
Finalists
"But get this...she's inflated with the last breaths of the real victims" Everett
"I'm up here, Jenkins." Harry
Honorable mention
"Don't look so nervous. They asked for innovative packaging for a double CD album, and that's what we're giving them." Walt
"Yes, yes, her anus is all stretched. Get over it." Rubrick
"This cartoon perpetuates a culture of violence against women and woman-like objects." RichM
"Struggle if it makes you feel better, but I want you to struggle ... oh, hi Arthur." Charles
"What attracts me most about a woman? Her eyes. Especially if they're ungodly huge jiggly eyes attached to her chest region." Stevo Darkly
"As you may have surmised, Wilson, my sex life is also sub-prime." therblig
"She came in a box, and so the fuck did I!" Swaption
"The hours here are fairly typical." mypalmike
Comments
"I just flew in from L.A. and boy, is my dick tired."
Posted by: jim M | April 21, 2008 9:52 AM
It's for my son. I think he might be gay.
Posted by: therblig | April 21, 2008 9:54 AM
"Sorry, Fred. I'm not gay."
Posted by: Tim H | April 21, 2008 9:54 AM
"I'm late for a meeting with Howard Stern....Baba-Booey."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 21, 2008 9:56 AM
"I keep it by my wife’s side, in the trunk of the car.”
Posted by: dwilk | April 21, 2008 9:56 AM
“HOV lane.”
“Her doctor said I can’t leave her unattended anymore.”
“Careful, Gertie, there’s someone watching us. Just be quiet, look straight ahead, and we’ll be fine.”
Posted by: Deborah | April 21, 2008 9:56 AM
Helen always gets like this when she first soaks her blunts in formaldehyde.
Posted by: kejo | April 21, 2008 9:58 AM
The whores here are neoprene.
Posted by: therblig | April 21, 2008 10:09 AM
Geez Johnson, when they said bring your girl to work day, they meant your DAUGHTER! How could you not know that?? So are you really fired? OF COURSE you're fired! Man I would have liked to see their faces...ha! Not that it was that funny - sorry pal...in this economy wow, it's gonna be tough. And you can kiss your reference good-bye I guess...
Posted by: simsburybear | April 21, 2008 10:11 AM
"No, asshole, my name isn't Lars."
Posted by: jim M | April 21, 2008 10:13 AM
bringing your girlfriend to work huh lars?
Posted by: martin | April 21, 2008 10:23 AM
"She's not bad, she's just drawn that way."
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 21, 2008 10:27 AM
"Didja ever notice how The New Yorker occasionally sticks some tits in their comics, just to shake things up? I wonder if anyone ever masturbates to those."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | April 21, 2008 10:28 AM
"No, I didn't bring my lunch; I'm eating out today."
"If you must know, my wife was killed recently and this provides some comfort for me."
"Ooops, this was supposed to stay in Vegas."
(yes that's a rip off of a cartoon in last week's magazine)
"You're right, her boobs do look fake."
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 21, 2008 10:31 AM
"After the lapel-pin flap, I just didn't feel that my inflatable life-sized anatomically correct Obama sex doll adequately represented my patriotism."
Posted by: J | April 21, 2008 10:46 AM
"Yes, only her left foot, left hand, and right boob can move."
"Greetings earthling. I bring you this inflatable sex doll as a token of love."
"I'm up here, Jenkins."
"The boss caught me looking at porn again. Let's see his fancy computer program catch me with this."
Posted by: Harry | April 21, 2008 10:58 AM
“It’s the latest in pie chart displays.”
Posted by: dwilk | April 21, 2008 11:18 AM
"Oh my GOD! AAAAAGGGGHHH - call a doctor, PLEASE! I've been impaled by a flying naked woman!"
Posted by: Vance | April 21, 2008 11:26 AM
"Women do not find me attractive."
Posted by: J.D. | April 21, 2008 11:28 AM
"No, it's the latest in underarm deodorants."
Posted by: Jim M | April 21, 2008 11:29 AM
"Y'know, the New Hedonism is OK, but I miss the charm of old-style prostitutes, with the sexy outfits and the poses on the street corners and, you know, having to go up to a room and everything."
Posted by: Vance | April 21, 2008 11:33 AM
"Yeah, but, she's got to do something about that hairdo."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 21, 2008 11:42 AM
Don't look so nervous. They asked for innovative packaging for a double CD album, and that's what we're giving them.
Posted by: Walt | April 21, 2008 11:43 AM
“Inflation can be a good thing.”
Posted by: dwilk | April 21, 2008 11:43 AM
"I'm hoping this will squelch those gay rumors."
Posted by: J.D. | April 21, 2008 11:57 AM
"Regular masturbation was causing skin irritation."
Posted by: J.D. | April 21, 2008 12:01 PM
"I'm hoping to get fired so I can collect unemployment."
Posted by: J.D. | April 21, 2008 12:04 PM
What? You need glasses.
Posted by: bencaro | April 21, 2008 12:05 PM
"She's part of our new focus group evaluating bicycle pumps."
Posted by: jim M | April 21, 2008 12:12 PM
"For god's sake, Dmitri, don't tell Alyoshka what I did to Petrushka or he'll be unable to carry a message of uplift at the end of the novel."
Posted by: gray nixon | April 21, 2008 12:14 PM
"Let's just say it's Mrs. Radosh and leave it at that...okay?"
Posted by: Anonymous | April 21, 2008 12:34 PM
"Sorry, Tim, she doesn't have a sister."
Posted by: jim M | April 21, 2008 12:40 PM
"Say Bill, when did you start carrying your lunch to work?"
Posted by: Brian Pseudonym | April 21, 2008 12:40 PM
I'm gonna take it home and fuck it. What the hell did you think I was going to do with it?
Posted by: Tom | April 21, 2008 1:12 PM
P.C.'s right, feet are difficult to draw. Now boobs, on the other hand...
Posted by: Amy | April 21, 2008 1:17 PM
I'm taking her back to the store. Her mouth is defective.
Posted by: Glenn | April 21, 2008 1:23 PM
"Yes, yes, her anus is all stretched. Get over it."
Posted by: Rubrick | April 21, 2008 1:23 PM
"How do expect to make a sale with that attitude?"
"It's Judd Apatow's world, Jenkins, we just live in it. The sooner you come to grips with that the better."
"Boy that Sinatra sure has class, don't he?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 21, 2008 1:24 PM
"It's a gift from my mother."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 1:30 PM
This will be good for us, just like when mom had that threesome with us. It will keep her memory alive. You really think she looks like her, huh?
Posted by: NJtoTX | April 21, 2008 1:34 PM
"Why do you think no one believes that we're Jehovah's Witnesses, Elder Hymie?"
Posted by: Glenn W | April 21, 2008 1:42 PM
"Can you believe it? My throbbing hot stick of love was inside of her sweet, wet yoni of love only a few minutes ago."
Posted by: NJtoTX | April 21, 2008 1:44 PM
"Yes, Smithers, my penis protrudes out of my back...So, when you look at it that way, carrying this doll around like this is a courtesy to you and everyone else around here, don't you think?"
"No, Smithers, I won't let you sniff my right armpit."
"Fine, Smithers -- so how do YOU suggest I dispose of dead hookers?"
Posted by: Leppo Softboy | April 21, 2008 1:50 PM
It's for my smug librarian wife - she told me to bring her some Trollope.
Posted by: therblig | April 21, 2008 1:53 PM
"I'm warming up for 'Casual Sex Fridays.'"
Posted by: Mo Buck | April 21, 2008 1:54 PM
"She's 2 bucks a minute, minimum 10 minutes. And don't forget to tell them about the cleaning deposit and rent-to-own option."
Posted by: Arthur | April 21, 2008 2:03 PM
"I'm wearing my hard on my sleeve. Get it? Hard on my sleeve? Oh, I can't get over myself sometimes."
Posted by: Snake | April 21, 2008 2:07 PM
"We call it our 'Larry SHAG' model."
Posted by: Sam L | April 21, 2008 2:08 PM
"This one has the most realistic implants."
"Now stay away from her, needledick!"
Posted by: LV | April 21, 2008 2:13 PM
"You'd be astonished how many Christians want to pop her....church-ladies, they're the worst."
Posted by: Sam L | April 21, 2008 2:16 PM
Don't be surprised--she's a Barnard grad.
Posted by: LK | April 21, 2008 2:29 PM
"Damn hermaphrodite...5" inch nozzle !.....Yeah, who was the bright CEO that hired his design-team out San Francisco ?!"
Posted by: Sam L | April 21, 2008 2:39 PM
"Quit squirming, Gladys."
Posted by: Joshua | April 21, 2008 2:45 PM
"Going down ? Hell, I GUESS !"
Posted by: Sam L | April 21, 2008 2:46 PM
"Watkins, where is your inflatable sex doll?"
Posted by: Joshua | April 21, 2008 2:51 PM
"Look what I won from that claw game at the bowling alley"
Posted by: David John | April 21, 2008 2:54 PM
" 'Beefs' ? Not particularly.....They might have configured that 5" inch nozzle a tad less distractingly."
Posted by: Sam L | April 21, 2008 2:56 PM
"No, it's a reel-to-reel tape machine I'm using to record the Board meeting."
Posted by: jim M | April 21, 2008 3:28 PM
"I'm just trying to keep abreast of the situation."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 3:28 PM
"Yeah, I know it's an odd cymbals holder, but it fools the percussion thieves."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 3:31 PM
"I know what you're thinking: foot binding went out years ago. Well think again."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 3:33 PM
"Wait 'til you see what's behind the OTHER door."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 3:36 PM
"Have you met my girlfriend? She's a real airhead. Ha, ha! By that, I just mean we've been going out almost a year and she has no idea I'm totally into sex dolls."
Posted by: David John | April 21, 2008 3:36 PM
"This cartoon perpetuates a culture of violence against women and woman-like objects."
Posted by: RichM | April 21, 2008 3:53 PM
"Joe, door-to-door sex doll sales usually don't happen when you let the customer see you in cum in the doll. It's just 'in-and-out' a couple times so they get the idea."
"It's for my son. He's getting to that age, so I figure I'd just let nature answer all his questions. Got the idea from Dr. Phil."
"Would you PLEASE stop staring at her?! Last time you made her so self-conscious that it took me two weeks of romancing to get to do me again."
Posted by: MAtt | April 21, 2008 3:55 PM
"My watch? It's Gucci"
Posted by: Dave W | April 21, 2008 4:05 PM
"Axion ? No. Sermons ? I'll say !"
Posted by: N.O. it all ! | April 21, 2008 4:20 PM
"Quick, do I have any semen dripping down the back of my coat?"
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 4:39 PM
"And now in this new, so called 'H-e-l-p !' version, a guy just simply can't go wrong."
Posted by: N.O. it all | April 21, 2008 4:50 PM
"I mean it, Susan: I am going to carry you around naked until you drop that stupid blasé expression... Oh, hi, Fred, how's it hangin?"
Posted by: Vance | April 21, 2008 4:56 PM
"I'm using chocolate cookie dough, just like they did in "2 Girls, 1 Cup.""
Posted by: J.D. | April 21, 2008 4:59 PM
"Well, Numbnuts, after you bought the exact same briefcase as me, I have to give people something to tell us apart."
Posted by: Tim H | April 21, 2008 5:02 PM
"I'm a tit man."
Posted by: Tim H | April 21, 2008 5:04 PM
"Yeah, actually there is an interesting story behind this. I like to fuck dolls. See ya Monday."
Posted by: David John | April 21, 2008 5:04 PM
"Somehow it's considered carry-on on Virgin Atlantic."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 21, 2008 5:06 PM
but it said goo-goo on the package.
Posted by: t seal | April 21, 2008 5:23 PM
"The airport security wouldn't have it. I mean, who the fuck am I gonna terrorize with this thing? Southern Baptists?"
"The tits are real."
"I walked right in front of the boss three times this morning and he didn't say anything. I'm starting to think the guy is passive aggressive."
"She's been in shock for three hours. I just found her this morning shivering violently on the kitchen floor. I was afraid to call 911 because I was so afraid they'd make it look like I was the bad guy...that was a mistake. Is there any way you can help at all? Please...this is my daughter."
Posted by: NecroDew | April 21, 2008 5:26 PM
"...empty inside. Why?"
"Tell Pontifex we're short a vestal and I made a game time decision. Deal with it."
Posted by: seth | April 21, 2008 5:39 PM
"The best part is she's only 13 years old."
Posted by: dwilk | April 21, 2008 5:44 PM
"We just won Breast In Show."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 21, 2008 6:01 PM
"Axiom ? No ! Sermons ? I'll say !!" -- (Duh !)--
Posted by: N.O. it all | April 21, 2008 6:27 PM
"She's the perfect woman: jealous, catty, and obsessed with self-doubt related to body issues. What more could a man want?"
Posted by: mypalmike | April 21, 2008 6:36 PM
"Hold this."
Posted by: seth | April 21, 2008 6:51 PM
"Overlapping tit syndrome."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 6:52 PM
"Thaaaanks...for the mammaries..."
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 6:55 PM
"Put me DOWN, or I'll smother you with my bosom!"
Posted by: Dave | April 21, 2008 6:57 PM
"I'm working on the Clinton account."
Posted by: Anonymous | April 21, 2008 7:15 PM
Wait'll you see her face when I start doing this thing in front of everybody. I can't wait. Seriously, Patrick. I can't fucking wait.
Posted by: Graham | April 21, 2008 7:52 PM
"I didn't get the promotion."
Posted by: reid savid | April 21, 2008 8:27 PM
my therapist suggested introducing Cathy around the office.
What! Like you don't have 2 or 3 of these at your house!?!
i only hope one day to have a real, meaningful conversation with her, ya know, really connect. NAH...I'm joking, I don't even like to fuck her anymore....want her?
Posted by: kristin | April 21, 2008 8:27 PM
"I won it in a fake caption contest--guess they ran out of books."
Posted by: Dex | April 21, 2008 8:48 PM
"Yeah, I have to return this one too. The quality went into the crapper when they started making them in China."
Posted by: Dan | April 21, 2008 9:18 PM
"Well, it's not like we make them wear burkas."
Posted by: al in la | April 21, 2008 9:24 PM
"Why yes! I am a N.Y. Jets fan. Never miss a game. How did you know?"
Posted by: al in la | April 21, 2008 9:32 PM
"Nipples in the New Yorker? I'm just as shocked as you are!"
Posted by: David | April 21, 2008 9:58 PM
I have to carry it this way or else everything will ooze out! No, I never thought of using corks.
Posted by: David | April 21, 2008 10:00 PM
"A secretary is not a toy Mr. Frump."
Posted by: Brian L | April 21, 2008 10:38 PM
(1) "Did you know they also make them in the form of sheep? Wait, um, can we pretend you didn't just hear me say that?"
(2) "Thompson, this is your last warning. If I see you carrying dead, naked hookers down the hallway one more time, you can forget about that promotion."
(3) "Hey, you know who you could sell this to very easily? A bunch of black guys! Unless, of course, the basketball salesman gets to them first! Ha! Oh man, I'll miss making these kinds of jokes once this company starts hiring black people."
Posted by: Jacob C | April 21, 2008 10:46 PM
I am tired of jill, so here comes the new one.
Posted by: Noland | April 21, 2008 11:04 PM
..."I have discovered I don't get approached by panhandlers when carrying her on the way to the train.."
Posted by: Greg | April 21, 2008 11:43 PM
1) is this wrong? should i not be doing this? (in the voice of george constanza)
Posted by: milton | April 21, 2008 11:46 PM
"I can't get over how much she resembles my sister."
Posted by: Ernest | April 21, 2008 11:47 PM
"Some think of God, some think of Gaynor, but when I hear the name 'Gloria,' I think of pure carnal pleasure."
Posted by: Ernest | April 21, 2008 11:49 PM
"The vagina is more lifelike than my wife's."
Posted by: Ernest | April 21, 2008 11:50 PM
"Rush job, Max ! She's Moslem, you know. .... Damned elevators !"
Posted by: N.O. it all | April 21, 2008 11:52 PM
"Wretched business: 'Rigor mortis', Batson ! Gravitational, sub-cutaneous bruising, and all the rest. ....Screen, screen !"
Posted by: N.O. it all | April 22, 2008 12:15 AM
"Remember when you suggested we spice things up by bringing a woman into the bedroom? Well I'm not sure I'm ready for that. How about we try this sex doll first?"
Posted by: John Tabin | April 22, 2008 12:33 AM
It's bring your daughter to work day.
Posted by: Melissa | April 22, 2008 1:56 AM
So I said, "You know what they say. Tiny hands....huge Johnson," and she was all mine.
Posted by: djack | April 22, 2008 8:43 AM
"If Macy's can have a Thanksgiving Day parade, so can I."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 22, 2008 9:45 AM
"What growth?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | April 22, 2008 10:12 AM
"I just happen to like knit ties."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | April 22, 2008 10:15 AM
"Flap harder! We'll never get off the ground."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | April 22, 2008 10:17 AM
"The Sunny Sunni model blows herself up."
Posted by: kosmicki | April 22, 2008 11:02 AM
"Human resources, my ass."
Posted by: Andrew | April 22, 2008 11:17 AM
"She won't fit in the overhead compartment, but I'll fit in hers."
Posted by: Jackpot | April 22, 2008 11:20 AM
As a matter of fact, this is a new briefcase. Got it this weekend. Don't know quite how I feel about it yet.
Posted by: skipper chong warson | April 22, 2008 11:22 AM
"Hup! Tup! Thrup! FAWW!"
Posted by: Chris | April 22, 2008 11:32 AM
"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. She's from Uranus."
Posted by: Randy | April 22, 2008 11:34 AM
"Do you know what happens when the rubber gets old and brittle? Damn, that hurt!"
Posted by: Walter | April 22, 2008 11:41 AM
She's attached to my side, Thompkins, because of the extraordinary adhesive power of my semen. By the way, would happen to have a chisel?
Posted by: boneguy | April 22, 2008 1:13 PM
She's attached to my side, Thompkins, because of the extraordinary adhesive power of my semen. By the way, would you happen to have a chisel?
Posted by: boneguy | April 22, 2008 1:14 PM
Schoolhouse Rock gets a 21st century update with its debut video "Number 8".
Posted by: therblig | April 22, 2008 1:30 PM
"First off, it's not a 'Blow-up doll' it's an 'Inflatable Lovemate.' And No, I'm not ‘marrying’ her. We're having a 'commitment ceremony.' In fact, the Times is running our announcement in this Sunday's Style section."
Posted by: al in la | April 22, 2008 1:58 PM
Depends what you mean. I bought it because the package said that the breast were "like two fauns," and I was curious what that meant. I brought it to work to fuck it.
Posted by: Charles | April 22, 2008 2:12 PM
Struggle if it makes you feel better, but I want you to struggle ... oh, hi Arthur.
Posted by: Charles | April 22, 2008 2:20 PM
Carrying around my blow up doll is not a cry for help. It is a declaration of my gross seminal surplus.
Posted by: boneguy | April 22, 2008 2:35 PM
"In Russia,inflatable doll blows you."
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | April 22, 2008 2:54 PM
"Big O Tires? Straight and then left. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | April 22, 2008 2:59 PM
"My optometrist? Dr. Picasso. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 22, 2008 3:16 PM
i'm supporting objectophilia rights
Posted by: vishruti | April 22, 2008 3:52 PM
"Apparently, she's right-tit-dominant."
Posted by: Tim H | April 22, 2008 4:04 PM
Before using a fuckdoll, discuss your medical conditions, including heart problems, and medications, including alpha blockers prescribed for prostate problems or high blood pressure, with your doctor. There is also a rare risk of an erection lasting longer than four hours. To avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical attention.
Posted by: Urgh | April 22, 2008 4:57 PM
"Damn! I keep stepping on these cracks!!"
Posted by: Tim H | April 22, 2008 5:07 PM
"I love working for Consumer Reports."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 22, 2008 5:55 PM
Did you know that masturbating more than five times a week decreases your risk of prostate cancer?
Posted by: Trebor | April 22, 2008 6:00 PM
"You can only get so far with feet as small as mine, if you know what I'm saying."
Posted by: Trebor | April 22, 2008 6:02 PM
"Stop looking at my pecker, Dillo."
Posted by: GilbertBob | April 22, 2008 6:13 PM
"Take my wife, please."
Posted by: Joshua | April 22, 2008 7:39 PM
"Can't talk now -- Mr. Carter needs this immediately for the Marilyn Monroe photo shoot."
Posted by: Joshua | April 22, 2008 7:53 PM
My mistake -- should be:
"Can't talk now -- New York magazine needs this immediately for the Marilyn Monroe photo shoot."
Posted by: Joshua | April 22, 2008 7:59 PM
"I bought her at Titsmart."
Posted by: Dave | April 22, 2008 8:08 PM
It's a gift for our anniversary. My wife's big on blondes.
Posted by: AnonDudeofReason | April 22, 2008 8:32 PM
"Only her boobs are real."
Posted by: Ben | April 22, 2008 9:13 PM
"Forget about the inflatable doll. Just forget about it, okay? What I've been trying to tell you for what feels like a week already is that last week's Anti-Caption Contest has the wrong number on it. But I just don't seem to be getting through to you.
"I don't get it. Maybe this is all a nightmare, and when I wake up everything will be all right--the number will be correct and all of us will be happy again: you and me and the inflatable doll. I sure hope so!"
Posted by: David F | April 22, 2008 9:42 PM
"Do you believe the New Yorker is sinking so low? Somehow, this makes the cut, but the giant dildo got censored. Next week - clowns!"
Posted by: Glime | April 22, 2008 10:36 PM
"I also carry my dick in this briefcase."
Posted by: Ben | April 22, 2008 10:38 PM
"I thought I told you to quit writing your name in the wet cement, P.C."
Posted by: Ben | April 22, 2008 10:41 PM
"Meet my conjoined sister, Margo. Her boyfriends get so pissed when she gets them all excited, but can't close the deal since her vagina is attached to my kidney."
Posted by: Keithy G | April 22, 2008 10:44 PM
"Mr. Brown - don't forget that the Smithfield company payroll must be submitted early this week. And, the Cutter's quarterly taxes are going to be late, so we need to file an extension. Well, what do you think accountants talk about?"
Posted by: Todd Anthony | April 22, 2008 10:50 PM
What did you think I meant when I said my wife and I had a blow-up last night?
Posted by: Lorrne Gates | April 22, 2008 11:38 PM
I TOLD you my wife had an inflated ego!
Posted by: Lorrne Gates | April 22, 2008 11:41 PM
I'm worried that my new girlfriend is just blowing hot air.
Posted by: Lorrne Gates | April 22, 2008 11:43 PM
Thanks, I'll have her back tomorrow.
Posted by: Lorrne Gates | April 22, 2008 11:44 PM
Uhh, you gonna eat that?
Posted by: Lorrne Gates | April 22, 2008 11:48 PM
"Yeah, but you have to give her a blow job once a week, Quigley, so that she'll remain an airhead."
Posted by: dwilk | April 23, 2008 12:12 AM
"Uh, here John. I'm giving this back to you. This is clearly not what I meant when I asked for a raise."
Posted by: P.R. | April 23, 2008 1:32 AM
Did you see the Nikkei today? Off over a hundred points. I'm losing my retirement money in fucking Nintendo. At this rate, I'm going to be stuck with this old hag for the rest of my life.
Posted by: AnonDudeofReason | April 23, 2008 2:03 AM
"It's the only way I can satisfy my fetish for a woman with large breasts, S-shaped hair, and a face like Stewie's on _Family Guy_."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | April 23, 2008 5:52 AM
"As soon as we get to my hotel room, I'm going to screw you hard in every hole you've got, you slutty little whore piece of ass, and you're going to like it ... Oh, no, Smithers. I was talking to the blow-up doll."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | April 23, 2008 6:00 AM
"I just have a fetish for women who have large breasts and are completely paralyzed.
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | April 23, 2008 6:04 AM
"What attracts me most about a woman? Her eyes. Especially if they're ungodly huge jiggly eyes attached to her chest region."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | April 23, 2008 6:07 AM
As you may have surmised, Wilson, my sex life is also sub-prime.
Posted by: therblig | April 23, 2008 9:47 AM
Politically Correct Vey, my ass!
Posted by: jim M | April 23, 2008 10:05 AM
"She's OK, but her eyes are really weird."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 23, 2008 12:36 PM
How's it goin? How's it goin? Well, let me tell you, 'How it's goin', Bob. First, I find out I only have one eye, and for some reason, my glasses will only rest on my forehead, rendering me essentially blind. And, of course, my right knee will only bend backwards, while my left only bends forward, so I'm bascially stuck here, going back and forth. And guess what else, Bob-O. Right now, I *really * have to take a piss, but the Braille written on those 2 doors behind us, not only says the same fucking thing, but the same fucking thing it says is the fucking number 9 in the fucking Czech language. And who knows what the fuck I'm holding in my right hand, 'cuz God only knows it ain't a DEAD FUCKING HOOKER! .... Oh. It is a dead hooker? Well, at least I have that going for me.
Posted by: Jimby | April 23, 2008 1:39 PM
Okay, I bought the floor model at the Sex Toy Shoppe, and I have to carry it home. It sucks.... seriously, Bob. It sucks like a vaccuum! That's why I HAD to buy it!"
"No thanks, I already have one!"
"What?!?!!"
Posted by: Johnny V | April 23, 2008 2:06 PM
"No one, and I mean NO ONE, puts Baby in a corner."
Posted by: Kat de Laat | April 23, 2008 2:24 PM
"What do you mean, 'NSFW'?"
Posted by: mypalmike | April 23, 2008 3:17 PM
"Do you want this thing? I'm done with it... I got a cut on my penis from a sharp edge on the plastic."
Posted by: Alen | April 23, 2008 6:36 PM
ACT I
(Thought balloon extends from vicinity of female cartoon's head.)
"I hope we go to that great Thai place again."
(Thought balloon extends from vicinity of open-mouthed male cartoon character's head.)
"I hope she doesn't want to go back to Thai Palace yet again. Ugh. It's like eating stewed lawn grass."
ACT II
At Thai Palace
(thought balloon again extends from her head.)
"YUM!"
(Thought balloon again for his head, too.)
"Yuck. Just like always. Stewed lawn."
THE END
Posted by: SK | April 23, 2008 6:42 PM
Whoopee cushions, this blow-up doll and and an gold plated wrist watch engraved with my years of service. Like anybody needs a wrist watch anymore. The cake was pretty damn good, though.
Posted by: SK | April 23, 2008 6:58 PM
Hostile work environment? Try AWESOME work environment.
For your information, "Certified Pre-Owned" worked like a charm over at GM. That's why you're not an MBA.
Er, hold this for a sec, will ya?
Posted by: Anita Margarita | April 23, 2008 7:56 PM
Suzy wanted an American Girl doll, but like a douche I had to wait until the last minute.
Posted by: Anita Margarita | April 23, 2008 8:04 PM
If I find out who my Secret Santa was, so help me God ...
Posted by: Anita Margarita | April 23, 2008 8:08 PM
"....my hands are obviously full...the doorman's gonna want to high five me, so take care of it, ok?..."
Posted by: Greg | April 23, 2008 8:34 PM
".....My wife asked me to pick up dinner."
Posted by: Greg | April 23, 2008 8:45 PM
"Well, I suppose I could deflate her and put her in my briefcase. But then what's the point of having a trophy wife?"
Posted by: Francis | April 23, 2008 11:36 PM
"Jesus, relax, Bob, I'm not fucking it, I'm just carrying it."
Posted by: Francis | April 23, 2008 11:38 PM
"Oh, right... the twitching"
Posted by: andy stevenson | April 24, 2008 2:22 AM
Our genius boss spent eight hours chatting this up while I banged his wife, his secretary and his cocker spaniel.
Posted by: Les | April 24, 2008 2:34 AM
"Well, Harriet, if they made you drink a jar of spit, then maybe they aren't your friends in the first place"
Posted by: Everett | April 24, 2008 3:03 AM
"But get this...she's inflated with the last breaths of the real victims"
Posted by: Everett | April 24, 2008 3:20 AM
"Look, I'm sorry Jenkins drowned in the quicksand room. But I told you, I only had time to save either him or the doll. And between you and me, it wasn't exactly Sophie's Choice."
Posted by: David John | April 24, 2008 4:06 AM
Man without glasses: "I like your boldness. But it cannot be."
Posted by: Dima | April 24, 2008 4:23 AM
"A pinata for the S&M crowd."
"Spaniards and Mexicans?"
"No, stupid motherf[bleep]rs like you."
Posted by: Swaption | April 24, 2008 7:51 AM
So then she told me, "Either you solve this sexual harassment problem or you're going to have to fire me." I kinda liked seeing a broad's face in the morning, though. Then I figured "why not spring for a RealDoll for the boys?" You look shocked: you're not a fag, are you? Because they make a male RealDoll now too and I'm sure I can get a discount on a second one.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | April 24, 2008 9:20 AM
I liked it better in the old days when your bonus was in cash. Now with all the financial constraints this is my annual "bone-us" award.
Posted by: Fred M | April 24, 2008 9:52 AM
"They told me there was a tiger behind one door and a lady behind the other. I'm not sure what I got cuz, damn, this bitch is a tiger!"
Posted by: jim M | April 24, 2008 9:52 AM
"She's paralyzed on her right side. And she can't stand it when I dress her."
Posted by: Mike | April 24, 2008 11:26 AM
"If I don't find a breast reduction surgeon shortly, I fear my wife's going to suspect something's up."
Posted by: Mike | April 24, 2008 11:30 AM
"This way, nobody's looking at the Q2 revenue numbers."
Posted by: Joshua | April 24, 2008 11:31 AM
"Radosh invited a few of his new Bible-thumper friends over to the blog so I'm supoosed to stash this someplace for a few days."
Posted by: al in la | April 24, 2008 1:30 PM
This saved me during a rough water landing once. You can understand my attachment.
Posted by: SE | April 24, 2008 1:47 PM
Can you believe they're just giving these away in conference room B? The White Plains Hilton rules.
Posted by: SE | April 24, 2008 1:52 PM
Hah! She's in "ana-phallic" shock, if you know what I mean .... Wait, I said that wrong-- "anaphylactic" shock. See those ants coming out underneath those doors behind us and through those slits at the top? They're all over the floor too. I think they bit her lips and her chest and gnawed off her thumbs as well.
Posted by: Jimby | April 24, 2008 3:06 PM
Clumsy Chloe fails the CEO "Stimulation" Simulation at the LapDance Academy, getting herself stuck in a cardboard cutout.
Posted by: Jimby | April 24, 2008 3:59 PM
Kinsey Report: The Lost Files. Women secretly prefer having simulated sex with wax statues of dorky businessmen in Brooks Brothers suits.
Posted by: Jimby | April 24, 2008 4:27 PM
"Who do those nutjobs think they are, trying to tell me abstinence education doesn't work?"
Posted by: Kyle | April 24, 2008 5:05 PM
These are all way too funny. It's the first time in a long time that I actually read them all -- what a treat for Radosh. At least I hope it's a treat, since he's looking for unfunny comments. Oh, and this is not a caption. Or is it?
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | April 24, 2008 6:04 PM
"Don't forget, she's a petroleum product. How many blondes go up in value every year?"
Posted by: kosmicki | April 24, 2008 6:11 PM
"I'm not a liberal. I'm a libertine."
Posted by: Jessica | April 24, 2008 7:42 PM
"She came in a box, and so the fuck did I!"
Posted by: Swaption | April 24, 2008 10:52 PM
She looks askance at everything I do, Bob.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | April 24, 2008 11:23 PM
I hate these humiliating jobs he gives us. You know, the V.P looks evil because he IS evil.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | April 25, 2008 12:32 AM
It's bring your daughter to work day.Y
Posted by: Melissa | April 25, 2008 12:40 AM
"It's not what you asked, it's the way you asked...I swear,the 'How-are-you's' here are obsene."
Posted by: al in la | April 25, 2008 1:14 AM
"You know Byron, when you fuck a plastic bitch, never wear a condom or she'll get pregnant."
Posted by: Swaption | April 25, 2008 8:47 AM
"Wait 'til I get to the club and start spinning the wax on this dual turntable. Shit's gonna be poppin'!"
Posted by: djack | April 25, 2008 9:39 AM
"My client's wife is institutionalized elsewhere; but believe it or not, I was able to get him 'conjugal visits' by proxy.
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 25, 2008 11:33 AM
"The hours here are fairly typical."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 25, 2008 1:06 PM
(Screenshot 1): Microsoft, failing in their bid to acquire Yahoo.com, buys Rockstar Games and quickly releases 'Grand Theft Auto: Business Edition' as part of a promotion to boost Vista sales. (Act Now! - and this caption can be used for last week's cartoon at a 5% discount!)
Posted by: Jimby | April 25, 2008 3:28 PM
"Yo, Bob! Be a bud and lower the eyeglasses on my nose. Both my hands are full!"
"Geez... what a Perv!"
Posted by: Johnny V | April 25, 2008 6:52 PM
Was I the only guy who got the "Bring a Dead Hooker to Work" day memo?
Posted by: boneguy | April 25, 2008 7:35 PM
"Care to join us for a three-way?"
Posted by: mypalmike | April 25, 2008 10:28 PM
The boys over at the Pentagon thought these would help our soldiers get through long deployments. Imagine their shock when they learned that after a day of killing innocent women and children, the last thing these men wanted to do was fuck an inflatable doll.
Posted by: Shawn | April 25, 2008 11:50 PM
"Look at her, she hasn't slept a wink. I even tried telling her inflatable bedtime stories."
Posted by: Swaption | April 26, 2008 12:08 AM
"She's voice activated--watch this. 'A little lower, no not there, you're getting warmer, right there, oh wow, that's perfect Linda, I mean Betty.' OUCH! TED GET HER OFF OF ME QUICK!!!!!"
Posted by: Swaption | April 26, 2008 12:26 AM
"I could have left her at home, but it's one of those situations where I'll be fucked if I do, or fucked if I don't."
Posted by: GilbertBob | April 26, 2008 8:41 AM
"Just between us, I like to fuck it."
Posted by: Ben | April 26, 2008 1:30 PM
"Eyes front, mac."
Posted by: Francis | April 26, 2008 4:45 PM
"12 rooms, 12 vacancies. Yes, Mother, I told him. Ha! That's a good one, Mother."
Posted by: Deborah | April 27, 2008 9:52 AM
"Blahblahblahblahblahblahrapturereadyblahblahblahblah."
Posted by: David F | April 27, 2008 3:30 PM
"Huh. I could have sworn they said 'feel free to bring along your best gal.' Or maybe it was 'feel free to share your naughty perversions.' Either way I've got it covered."
Posted by: Mike | April 27, 2008 5:08 PM
My *eyes* are up *here*, Frank.
Posted by: Jangler | April 27, 2008 8:13 PM
Argh. I searched for the wrong sequence of words. Ignore my attempt.
Posted by: Anonymous | April 27, 2008 8:15 PM
Someday you'll have to teach me how to pick up girls!
Posted by: Glime | April 27, 2008 10:54 PM
"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech."
Posted by: Toddy | April 27, 2008 10:56 PM
"You'd carry one of these, too, if you had a naturally wide stance like I do."
Posted by: Toddy | April 27, 2008 11:03 PM