April 14, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #143

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Well, I think that speaks for itself and we can...AGH!! MEN IN CHAIRS!!!" —seth

"Getting a cab is easy for us white people." —Nick

"My surprise at the arrival of this taxi has caused me to evacuate my bowels with a great sense of entitlement." —kosmicki

Honorable mention
"Thank you, Jenkins. When you've finished pushing it up the stairs, just leave it in the hallway until we've finished our drinks." —Francis

[No one here has their mouth open. Therefore no one is talking. And I'm typing this with my mind.] —J

"Oh shit, Judd Hirsch is back. Thankfully there's not an open seat. Someone has to tell him this club is restricted."— JohnnyB

"When did we start letting Pakis in?" —Ernest

"Bloody Transformers." —Dave W

"Did someone call for a comic anomaly?" —Joshua

"Steady boys, we're safe within our cocoon of privilege and wealth." —R.K.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I spy, with my little eye, something that is yellow.

(singing) Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone? They paved paradise, and put up a parking lot.

Jeebus H. Crackers! I better lay off the hooch!

It's not a taxi, it's a tax! And the make of the car is...wait for it...it's an Evrolet!!! Ah ha ha!!! Oh, um, I'm sorry. I've been participating in this contest for too long.

"There you are, Herbie. Come in and meet the rest of the family."

Mind the wainscotting, dipshit!

Poor Johnson. Ever since the crash, he's been living in his car...

Gentlemen, may I remind you that, while third-quarter profits have indeed risen over five percent, it is following a loss of....YEEAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!


"Did someone call a cab?"

"Damn foreign taxi drivers."

"Oh shit, DeNiro's back."

"Oh shit, Judd Hirsch is back. Thankfully there's not an open seat. Someone has to tell him this club is restricted."

“Shit! They sent us Bickle again—Mr. Anywhere, anytime."

"Thank you, Jenkins. When you've finished pushing it up the stairs, just leave it in the hallway until we've finished our drinks."

"That's unusual, even for this elite club."

"Stay still. Maybe he won't see the lamps..."

"Here's someone now to clean all the dust off these portraits. The person is in that taxi."

"The alleys here are, well, you know."

"Right on cue, it's Commander McBragg showboating again."

"Odd, I didn't call for a cab."

"Oy gevalt! When will these autograph-hounds learn - Herbie the Love Bug is NOT a member of the Friars Club! Never has been!"

"It's OK. I think these hallucinations are caused by my Parkinson's meds."

“I asked James for a Cab around 55 degrees, and that’s the best he could do.”

"Oh, good! Who's up for a carbecue?"

"Perhaps the driver is Dan Radosh, who might have confused 142nd Street and 143rd Street as well as Anti-Caption Contest 142 and Anti-Caption Contest 143. Or maybe not."

"There you are, Herbie. Come in and meet the rest of the family."]]

"I know this is really good acid, but I still miss quaaludes."

"Oh, I say, what, what? Jolly good shew, I say. If I'm not very much mistaken, this is some sort of a dashed taxi, I dare say."

"No, bozo, you were supposed to turn left at 59th and go downtown. That's where all the whores are - well, other than Jenkins here."

"Remember Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel? Well in this case, the entire club was built by a guy in a taxicab, and so... I don't know. I wasn't here when it happened."

[No one here has their mouth open. Therefore no one is talking. And I'm typing this with my mind.]

"Now there's something you don't see everyday. At least since congestion pricing kicked in. People are generally unwilling to fellate their cab driver just for a trip to the second floor. I'm sure right now Harry wishes he'd been paralyzed from the neck up, instead of from the neck down."

"Getting a cab is easy for us white people."

"My ride is here. Shall we meet next week at the same time?"

"So, you still think you are safe from drive by shootings in here?"

"Looks like someone needs to update the maps in their GPS."

"I'm highly pissed that he keeps spinning his wheels thinking the chassis will magically become unstuck, but the feeling is mitigated by the awesome high from the carbon monoxide. How long until we die?"

Why aren't we surprised to see a cab drive up the stairs? Well, wer're not stupid, that's why. It's really not surprising at all that the cab can make it the stairs, given that it has 4-wheel-drive, as evidenced by the front differential we can see between the front wheels.

No no no... I meant 'Cabernet'!

"Funny thing about the energy crisis. It's cheaper for me to take a cab down the stairs than to use the electric stair climber or elevator."

"Okay... you are a cab!"

"Damn, that's MY parking space!"


"When did we start letting Pakis in?"

"Since we don't have goalposts we use lamps, and well Roger, you have three seconds to figure out the rest. Enjoy the game."

"Take a left down this first hallway, then the second right, the one right after the the fern. Then you'll go all the way down the hall, keep going straight, and you'll see a silver door on the left-hand side. It's the only silver door in here. Talk to Karen, she's the one at the desk, and she should be able to help you out."

"Best...getaway sequence...ever."

"I bet the faces on those portraits would be pretty livid right now if they could see past that shitstorm of dust."

"This is nothing. Yesterday they pissed on that lamp shade over there."

"How embarrassing that our guest can not afford his own car. At least he didn't take mass transit."

“That must be Carstairs now.”

"I'm back from rehab, thanks for asking, and I've kicked my...my...veni vidi something-o-leevio habit. No I haven't! Gawd that felt good! Veni vidi taxi-don't-o-leevio without meeeeee!!!"

"I've always wanted to ask: What's the difference between a taxi, a cab and a taxicab?"

"If they weren't so -- I don't know -- low-brow, I'd be tempted to call those Car Talk guys just about know."

Bloody Transformers.

"...just about now."

"...what the...!! And is that Pope Benedict in the back seat?!!"

Who's your daddy now?

More than meets the eye
Robots in Disguise!

!Prepare to strike
There'll be no place to run
When your caught within the grip
Of the evil Megatron!

!Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of
The Decepticons!


!The Battle's over but the war has just begun
And this way it will remain til the day when all are one!

I had asked for a pinot noir, not for the pénis noir of that swarthy cabbie! Ah, what the heck. I'll take it.

Oh my God! Oh my God! If that isn't the wackiest thing that I've ever seen!!! OH MY GOD!!! Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah-- Sure, I'll fuck you, Bob.

Here's Brad Pitt, right on time. The paparazzi must be camped out downstairs. Last week John Travolta flew his plane in here.

"Where the hell is my glass of cabernet? I ordered a 'nice cab' two hours ago, and the waitress just goofed off making this ridiculous ice sculpture."

"Bloody American tourists!"


"Cripes! One of us had better say something funny, and pronto."

"I've often thought of my last moments on earth, but I must admit I never thought they'd look like this."

Unbelievable. I ordered a "cab", and instead of cabernet sauvignon, they send in a taxi with a bottle of cabernet franc! I mean, who hears "cab" and thinks cabernet franc?

"We must all be fuckin' retards, 'cause all we can seem to think of is the similarity between this particular cab and various takes on the word cabernet. Like I said, retards."

"Gentlemen, may I introduce to you the late Cab Calloway!"

"Uh-oh, here's Marchmain. Don't say anything about taxicabs."

"First Batman and Robin now DC Cab? What's with he Joel Schumacher retrospective?"

"I love it when the economy sucks. Inferiors work so much harder for a little trickle-down."

"Judd f-ing Hirsh! I sure have missed you since you did that Will Smith movie and that crappy 'Numbers' TV show!"

"Bob, don't take a cab... I'll have my limo take the elevator and you can get home in style!"

"I think the chandelier looks like a ballerina... What do you guys think?"

Well, I think that speaks for itself and we can...AGH!! MEN IN CHAIRS!!!

"Now, as I was saying about the evolutionary breakdown of communism in the former Soviet Union...oh crap! How'd that get in here?"

"I guess aerodynamic design doesn't matter much when you're driving indoors."

"Sorry, but on second thought, I don't think we want a fourth for bridge."

“Let's talk front end alignment, boys. Cosgrove— where did your wife have her breasts done?"

I said "Heil, Hitler," not "HAIL, Hitler."

"I say, Throckmorton, when parking on a staircase does one turn the front wheels sharply toward the wall or the balustrade?"

I think it says something about the decline in our membership standards when one arrives here by taxi instead of by limo.

Bill was about to make a Cabernet joke, when he remembered his 3 year old son had just gone down the stairs.

And at these dues, you won't get many more!

I think I speak for all of us when I say that does not be no phat hooptie.

"Oh good, the vehicular prostitute is here. Who wants to be first to roger it up the tailpipe?"

Sitting in the posh Somerset Club sipping whiskey as they had been doing for 25 years, the identical McGuire triplets were amazed to suddenly, simultaneously notice a face in the chandelier.

"Why? Because he makes me laugh."(Said by the lady inside the taxi as it drives off)

"I do say, I quite enjoy relaxing with a single malt after an early morning hunt. Though preserving the dead little buggers is a dodgy business. Oh, jolly good. The taxidermist has arrived."

First, cell phones. Now this. Shoot me now.

Oh, shut the fuck up Crenshaw. You know 'Cabin in the Sky' trumps 'West Side Story' anytii... Jeeezus! That incessant idling... could one of you please shove that cab up your ass so I can hear myself think??

"My work here is done." (said by Taxidermist as he drives off)

oops, that last one (taxidermist) was mine.

"1962 has been a disaster. I say we shoot that cocksucker Kennedy."

"I wonder how many farts this chair has absorbed over the decades."

"Let's drink to Ethel Skull, 36 times!"

No Chalmners, I don't believe the driver speaks English

"Don't tip the son of a bitch."

"For crying out loud ! You don't which to fear most, the legal Pakistanis or the illegal ones !"

You were right, Winslow. An escalator would have been much more convenient.

"The HUMMERer, the 'dumberer' ! Jesus H. Christ...... !"

" 'Whore-on-the-floor' ! As though Fauntleroy could slip one past us !"

We've secretly replaced one of these men's head with a coffee filter. Let's see if a New York cabbie can tell the difference.

You are late Barry

Why are you wearing those stupid human suits?

Well the same team that developed the Veg-O-Matic designed their GPS system.

"Up the down staircase. Again."

"I figure let's make the most of gasoline while it's still around."

"'And here, she's acting happy,
Inside her handsome home.
And me, I'm flying in my taxi,
Taking tips, and getting stoned' ...
Hey gents - does a chick named Sue live here?"

Now this is the kind of mushroom trip I was talking about -- fuck that hippie shit that Darrin brought last week.

"...and with all we've accomplished and everything we have, really....aren't we also ever so fortunate to have the best seats to view this incident?"

" Hillary-- excuse me, Hillary Rodham !-- trolling for 'superdelegates' ? Come, come, Ravenswood ! In a Budget Cab ?! ....We have heard no gunfire !"

“It was so perfect. I pushed Helen down the stairs, then had a cabbie drive over her body so it would look like an accident.”

"Good ol' DODGE ! Fine car, fine 'sociations ! Wife-dodging....Tax-dodging !....Hello ! Speak of the devil !....Hic !"

"Nice try Osama, but sorry -- not scary. Maybe you want to think bigger next time."


"Taximeter cabriolet? A cabriolet, you know, a kind of conveyance, outfitted with a taximeter, a meter which determines a rate of payment based on time and/or distance. But don't take my word for it, Jervis, here's one now."

"You know we site here in the windowless hallway of a flea-ridden southside boarding house but to me it's like some fancy Englishman's private club. Just imagine portrits on the walls and shandyleers over the stairs. And taxis for everyone! More sterno, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar?"

"sit here"

Farnsworth, masturbation is tolerated and encouraged here at Brushwood. But why must you always stare at taxis wedged in stairways to get off. It's costing the club a fortune to accommodate you.

I know we've been Seiking new members Bob, but it's getting ridiculous.

"The Democrats aren't even in the White House yet, and here comes a new tax."

"Don't give me that 'ziglier-than-thou' crap!"

"Everyone wants to come in here, just to see a cartoon drawn from a viewpoint above the scene."

"I told him the back axle was too heavy for the floor."

That reminds me, we should get some of those wooden bead seatcovers for these armchairs.

"What do you mean, you don't remember 'Vegas'? It was great -- Dan Tanna used to park his T-Bird right inside his house!"

"I knew we shouldn't have had M. C. Escher and Frank Gehry collaborate on designing the club -- you should see what happens when you try to walk into the garage..."

"Goddamn it, Christine!"

Anyone smell gas?


Frank, you are so fucking lazy.

"Yo, yo! Some dumb-ass mo-fo got his grill all up in here."

"Used to be tough to even find a whore in Albany- now they can't get to the governor's mansion fast enough."

Viral advertising campaign for TAXI TO THE DARK SIDE.

"Client 11, your ho is here."

"Bill, we all know you farted so it's no use driving that old taxi up here to try and cover up the smell."

"Old LaVerne screwed up again!I ordered the Concha y Toro Cabernet '04, and got the Checkers Cab '55!"

I didn't call a cab. Did you Frank?

"You had me at 'TAXI'!"

"That would explain the oil stains on the stairwell carpet. Now, what causes the 'snail trails' on Petersen's bedsheets?....oh!"

"Well, it looks like you lost the bet to Franklin. He managed it somehow!"

It's rude to stair.

"I move that we get rid of that EZ-PASS downstairs. Anyone second?"

[Taxi, to itself:] "I think I can, I think I can, I thi - oh shit, they saw me!!! Now what???"

"Gentlemen, I see by that plate that it must be Agent James Bond's brother, Rex. I understand he has a 'Licence to Drive.' "

It's been like this ever since the doormans' strike.

"I can't hack this!"

Winston you cheap fuck-stick! Will you please quit jipp'n those cabbies on their fares; your rank butt-gas is all the intrusion we need for one day.

"The people? You say the people our clamoring for bread? Why let them eat cake. Jives, my old man, call me a taxi and do tell the driver that if he doesn't get here within 30 seconds I shall not tip."

oops "are" clamoring

Wentworth, I need a seven letter word for nonchalant.

You look almost EXACTLY like Jason Robards in the movie, "Philadelphia."

"Steady boys, we're safe within our cocoon of privilege and wealth."

"The staircase *is* dramatic, but you do open yourself up to this sort of thing."

"Technically not slavery, no. The club paid $1 million for the car; the immigrant driver was 'free'."

“Even now, they still leave their fucking toys on the stairway.”

"Oh shit it's April 16 already"

"The tax cuts have arrived"

"The tax man cometh"

"Yes, guests always say that but wait until you become a member and see the double decker bus up on four."

"I don't know why it is so difficult to get a coaster around here."

"It's not so much the ghost cab itself as the boomin' bass of the ominous music that gets on my tits."

"The traffic in this city is obscene."

"That's what passes for art these days."

"No, No, NO!! CUT!!! The cue for your entrance is, 'The traffic in this city is obscene.' Then you come up the stairs, and Frank says, 'Did someone call a cab?' Got it? Now go back down, we'll run the scene one more time and then call it a night, okay?"

"Amazing what some people will do to avoid toll roads."


"Tax Day Fools!"

"I thought this taxi would have a #142 on its license plate, not a #143. Weird."

"Actually, it can't drive you home. She's strictly a house taxi."

Oh, that's Sylvester McCripple. We've yet to put in an elevator, but he's been a good sport about it.

It's shorter to cut across the fourth floor lounge.


"Honestly, I had no idea they were bitter."

So, let me get this straight: you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway and haul up a stairway and stare at a hallway. Makes sense.

"Here's to life, livery and the pursuit of taxicabs."

"I just love these new cordless lamps!"

Greedy, blood-sucking capitalist:
"Charles, call me a cab."
"Certainly sir, you're a cab."

"You call that art? My kid could do that!"

"I told you that building our club on the off ramp of the Long Island Expressway was a bad idea, Charles."

"Mr. Bush, your designated driver is here!"

"I could see that being an issue if the building needed to be evacuated."

Her star may be waning, but J-Lo still won't carry her own fat ass up the stairs.

The social climbers have certainly gotten lazy, haven't they?

"He's a new member? But I thought Bickel was a Jewish name."

oh never mind: April 14, 2008 10:07 AM

"Little does he realize, getting up is the EASY part."

"Two career guy - taxi driver and camel jockey."

"It told him you have to run it someplace small and airtight, like the garage. At this rate, he'll be out of gas long before carbon monoxide sets in. This is worse than the time he slit the TOP of his wrists. I was way smarter than him by the time I was eleven."

"Gentleman, if you think this is amusing, wait til you see the fifty paparazzi right behind her."

"Goddammit, another one off duty. Who do ya have to blow to get a cab around here?"

"So then I told my secretary to shred the documents and take the rest of the day off."

"Someone needs to do a portrait of that cabbie."

"It's a sad day when you have to take public transportation to the office..."

"Gentleman, we're going to have to have to break this up. I need to get out of here- when he honks we'll be up to our eyeballs in Celine Dion."

(cleaned version):

"Gentleman, we're going to have to break this up. I need to get out of here before he honks, and we're be up to our eyeballs in Celine Dion."

"Tip a cabbie a fin and he's happy for a day. Give him 3 fins and he's yours for a lifetime."


That looks like the same cab that splashed me this morning while I was taking the dog for her walk. I was drenched but Rover was drowned...And if this weren't a posh gentleman's club I'd be in a mind to go up to that driver and give him a piece of my mind. But since the lobotomy, I haven't had that much mind to spare, ha ha.

Ever since the Parking Authority took control of the cabs in this city, the drivers are afraid to park their cabs out-of-doors.

STAR TREK! (a typical time travel episode where Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk travel to Earth's past in order to save the future)

Dr McCoy:
Dammit Jim, What the fuck is that cab doing there. I didn't expect a cab to be wedged in the stairway. The history books mention no cab.
Capt Kirk:
Something in the space-time continuum most of got fucked up. Better call Sears to fix the phase- array or maybe it's not the phase-array but better call Sears anyway. Sears is really great, even in Earth's future!

Damn that American Disabilities Act and their wheelchair ramps!

Gentlemen, I was really hoping for the Cash Cab.

"It's better than those damn we usually get."

"It's better than those damn Doom Buggies we usually get."

"Oh, it's just my new butler, Latka ... still having some difficulties making the transition from his previous job."

"Oh, here comes Princess Diana now!"

"I agree, those Texas polygamist Moms are totally hot. What the...........?"

"I don't trust my own chauffeur with our daily dose of third world blood."

"Wear you seatbelt! Driving over our investors might be bumpy!"

"Does my ass look fat in this chair? Damn. I hope Taxi Cab Confessions isn't shot in HD."

In a new piece of legislation from Albany, Governor Paterson has opened all jobs to the blind- even cab driving. Ironically, Paterson still has trouble getting a cab; one wary (and broke) blind driver describes the challenge of sizing up potential fares, saying "I jus' figure they're all black."

oh ,so this what they meant when they said room service

Is it April 15th already?

"excellent Wilkins, the whores are right on time."

"Jenkins, the cab in the stairway does not detract from the fact that that is one fucking ugly chandelier"

In Soviet Union taxi hails you.

Man in the middle:
"There's a taxi coming up the stairs."

"Ha! Made you look."

"That is one fucking talented cab driver. We should immortalize him in our ghostly hall of non-portraits."

Put it in reverse and back away slowly - we've driven into a neighborhood where they don't like our kind at all.

'Taxi'? Not only should that cab not be in our building, it shouldn't be picking up street hails in New York City at all.

I get three entries and I will end each of them with at all.

Oh good, my date Christine's here.

“All this talk of Viagra and penile implants reminds me of a charming story about my black teenage boyfriend."

"Wait to you see his face when I tell him I'm going to Brooklyn."

"They should have become suspicious when he didn't want to learn how to parallel park."

"The Suicide Club meeting will now come to order."

"My prostate is much smaller than it was last month."

"Andy Warhol is such an asshole"

"Chesterfield says the color looks faded. What's your opinion?"

"Do you think my wife knows I'm gay?"

You know what's a difficult word to spell? Wainscoting.

"My surprise at the arrival of this taxi has caused me to evacuate my bowels with a great sense of entitlement."

And she handed me twenty dollars for a two fifty fare

She said, Harry, keep the change

"Did someone call for a comic anomaly?"

Oh, I've got something inside me
Not what my life's about.
Been letting this freakin' taxi park
Here, 'til my time runs out.

Hold me closer Tony Banta.
See the headlights on the stairway.
Louie De Palma, Latka Gravas.
You had a busy day today.

"I told you the housing market was due for a car-wreck-tion."

"The taxi falls up the stairs, the taxi falls down the stairs."

Moe, Larry and Curly enjoy a scotch neat at the League of Extraordinary Stooges. They planned ahead - Shemp didn't. Guess who's driving a cab now?

Call 1-800-NYAR-NAR for your free retirement planning kit today.

[3 stooges one is mine...I guess there were 5 stooges]


"Please say tax shelter, please say tax shelter, please say....damn...taxadermist?"

I mean taxidermist

also submitted without '?'

"That taxi should hold off the zombies until you've finished your cocktail, Mr. President, but we're urging you to come up with a plan, instead of chugging cocktails and saying 'mission accomplished'."

'The hours we've spent waiting here...and no limousine."

"That taxi should hold off the zombies until you've finished your cocktail Mr. President, but we're urging you to come up with a plan instead of chugging cocktails and saying 'mission accomplished'."

(The comma placement was driving me mad)

"You did tell Wentworth our tee-time is 9:30. Has he never had sex in the back of a cab before?"

"To settle this thorny issue on business ethics I've called in someone with a Ph.D in philosophy...I hope his fare doesn't mind."

Oh dear God in heaven, I think that the entry by "al in la" immediately above is damn funny.

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