The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #138
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
This week's results from guest judge T.G. Gibbon
Winner
"'There is water at the bottom of the ocean.' That lyric is as true today as it was in 1984 when I wrote it, and there's your proof. Same as it ever was. That's why I know this marriage can be saved." - R.K.
Finalists
"I had an even bigger tank, but it got away." -dwilk
"The fish? They're in the sea. A lot of them out there. I suggest you two start looking." - J
Honorable mention
"That's where I keep my Klondike bars. Would you like one? They're delicious." - Deborah
"You have problems. I have solutions." - mypalmike
"No, there aren't any fish left. Funny..ha...the female fish ate the male fish after the male fish chewed off her tail...now where were we?" - simsburybear
"Warren, Patricia, it's my job to know where the bodies are buried." - Jay Stern
"Everybody tries to emulate James Thurber, forgetting that he drew that way because he only had one eye, and it wasn't a good one either." - J.D.
"Marriage is like flesh eating purse fish, who will find purses, hide in them, and then attack the victim as soon as they open their purse. Wait, where are my fish? For the love of God don't open your purse!" - Mo Buck
"I paid Greenpeace one million dollars to cut a hole through the roof and hoist my Melonie out to open water. That was my solution. Your marriage is probably different." - Gary Goldsmith
"Maybe fish aren't your thing. You could put eels in it." - Stank
[For knowing my parents' names and how good my grandmother's mashed potatoes were] "Marion, I asked Bob's mother to send a sample of the mashed potatoes she used to make. Would you like a taste? I also have the recipe right here." - GilbertBob
Comments
"That's where I keep my Klondike bars. Would you like one? They're delicious."
Posted by: Deborah | March 17, 2008 9:55 AM
"Marion, I asked Bob's mother to send a sample of the mashed potatoes she used to make. Would you like a taste? I also have the recipe right here."
Posted by: GilbertBob | March 17, 2008 10:03 AM
"Allow me to demonstrate one way to stop arguing about emptying the cat litter box. Just add more litter."
Posted by: GilbertBob | March 17, 2008 10:05 AM
"Clearly your marriage can't be saved. But perhaps we could all take a bath together."
Posted by: GilbertBob | March 17, 2008 10:09 AM
"In last week's session, Shirley, you said being married to Nigel was torture. I thought perhaps we could try and reframe the debate. Have you ever tried waterboarding?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | March 17, 2008 10:12 AM
"Silda,I understand you don't want sex right now. Would it help if Eliot scrubbed himself thoroughly in this boiling water?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | March 17, 2008 10:14 AM
"Samantha, if you float, then Darren must accept that you are a witch."
"I'd like to watch you have sex in a tank of water. What's unprofessional about that?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 17, 2008 10:35 AM
"All my fish died --- I came in and they were just...dead. Do you understand why I just don't give a crap about your stupid marital issues this week?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 17, 2008 10:37 AM
Yes, Damien Hurst has gone all minimalist on us."
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 10:44 AM
"Eliot, I think it would be the greatest good for the most people, saving a lot of heartache and taxpayer money, if you just drowned yourself right now."
"Eliot, immersion in the mikvah can restore your purity. Okay, It's not a kosher mikvah and I'm not a rabbi...I just want to see you floating naked."
Posted by: JohnnyB | March 17, 2008 10:44 AM
"And you can't possibly get divorced -- how would you divide up the urine? There's no way you can tell whose is whose."
Posted by: Francis | March 17, 2008 10:52 AM
With my web-like appendages, I am descended from the sea creature, so I must have water nearby.
Posted by: LK | March 17, 2008 11:09 AM
"It's for my ex-wives. I keep them there, frozen, as a reminder, if you will. So what should we work on today?"
Posted by: Deborah | March 17, 2008 11:09 AM
"There's an old saying in marriage counseling: 'Any dispute can be settled by five minutes of Jello-wrestling.' So get naked, get in there, and leave room for me!"
Posted by: Vance | March 17, 2008 11:13 AM
"You see, Bob and Sheila, marriage is like a teeny-tiny swimming pool - you can float in it all you like, but try to swim anywhere and BAM! Heh heh. Bam."
Posted by: Vance | March 17, 2008 11:14 AM
"The giant ice cube? It's green air conditioning."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | March 17, 2008 11:38 AM
"...sensory deprivation to a whole new level."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | March 17, 2008 11:40 AM
"You know, I haven't the foggiest idea why its 'L-O-R' instead of L-E-R.'"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | March 17, 2008 11:46 AM
"His brother, Oy, gave up cartooning."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | March 17, 2008 11:48 AM
No, there aren't any fish left. Funny..ha...the female fish ate the male fish after the male fish chewed off her tail...now where were we?
Posted by: simsburybear | March 17, 2008 11:49 AM
"Two tiny pens are a metaphor for nothing."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | March 17, 2008 11:50 AM
Try going in the tank for 30 days, Mrs. Spitzer. If you’re not completely satisfied we’ll send Elliot back at a prorated amount.”
Posted by: dwilk | March 17, 2008 12:02 PM
Normally, I would offer to let you pick out a lobster from the tank. But as you can see, I don't have any.
Posted by: therblig | March 17, 2008 12:07 PM
"Think of this tank as your marriage. And the water is - shit, I don't know - your sex life, maybe? Hell, I just made that certificate myself half an hour ago."
"My ex-wife just sent me this. What do you think it means?"
Posted by: Otto el Piloto | March 17, 2008 1:29 PM
"You're probably wondering why I have an empty aquarium. It's new, and the fish are being delivered tomorrow. Now that that's out of the way: How was your week?"
Posted by: John Tabin | March 17, 2008 1:36 PM
“I had an even bigger tank, but it got away.”
Posted by: dwilk | March 17, 2008 1:38 PM
"You're going through the hardest thing parents can go through, and it's not surprising that your relationship has suffered. What you need to do is get all of these feelings out in the open. Let's walk through it step by step: Look at the water, and think back to the day your son drowned. Can you remember what you thought and felt when you first heard the news?"
Posted by: John Tabin | March 17, 2008 1:41 PM
I agree with you...drown the bitch!!
Posted by: R.E.Davidson | March 17, 2008 1:49 PM
Both of you get in the tank and duck your heads under the water. If you come up first, Mary, you have to blow him.
Posted by: R.E.Davidson | March 17, 2008 1:59 PM
“Half full IS the correct answer. My fat wife’s corpse at the bottom makes it appear completely full.”
Posted by: dwilk | March 17, 2008 2:02 PM
"It took me a lot longer to collect 300 gallons of my own pee than it did to get that bogus 'Marriage Counselor' certificate. Though I'm equally proud of both."
Posted by: J | March 17, 2008 2:23 PM
"And without Jayna, he's unable to get his Wonder Twin Powers to de-activate! Instead of being trapped forever in a relationship, he's trapped forever outside a relationship! I call it my 'irony tank.'"
Posted by: J | March 17, 2008 2:26 PM
"The fish? They're in the sea. A lot of them out there. I suggest you two start looking."
Posted by: J | March 17, 2008 2:29 PM
“Do I have to remind you again, Jacqueline, that Thursdays are Wet T-Shirt Night?”
Posted by: dwilk | March 17, 2008 2:37 PM
"Yes, I once had normal size fingers until I got careless with my acid bath."
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 3:03 PM
"That's my new aquarium."
"Many troubled couples have children in the mistaken belief that somehow it will save their marriage. That tank is for drowning them when they realize they were wrong."
Posted by: Rubrick | March 17, 2008 3:06 PM
"...or you can simply dissolve the marriage by stepping into this acid bath."
Posted by: BA | March 17, 2008 3:21 PM
"I've found that, with waterboarding, I can cut the therapy time in half."
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 3:42 PM
"So, why did you marry a horribly mutilated woman who combs her hair over her face?"
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 3:46 PM
"Yes, it is a wonderful conversation piece."
Posted by: NuTs | March 17, 2008 4:05 PM
"Note to self: In Soviet Union, clitoris finds you."
Posted by: dwilk | March 17, 2008 4:14 PM
"At night I just add 112 boxes of lime jello and turn the air condioning to 'high', and voila in the morning it's turned into a nice, healthy snack."
Posted by: NuTs | March 17, 2008 4:16 PM
"I'm looking for a 9/11 World Trade Center aquarium decoration. Any ideas?"
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 4:37 PM
As you can see from the certifications behind me, I specialize in invertebrates - jellyfish and sensitive husbands.
Posted by: therblig | March 17, 2008 4:37 PM
"After a day or two of sensory deprivation, even bad sex is incredible."
Posted by: jim M | March 17, 2008 4:52 PM
Tank you for coming. There, now that I've broken the ice, let's explore your pathetic excuse for a marriage.
Posted by: therblig | March 17, 2008 5:13 PM
"Symbolic of your marraige I would suggest the Rockey Road, although Rum Raisen, or Daiquiri Ice may help take the edge off!"
Posted by: Dr Sumguy | March 17, 2008 5:34 PM
Well, on the one hand, yes, I had my wife encased in concrete. On the the other, we spend a lot more time together now, which I think is the key to a healthy marriage.
Posted by: David | March 17, 2008 5:54 PM
"You'd be surprised how much you can learn about a couple from watching them have sex underwater."
Posted by: Tiberius | March 17, 2008 6:04 PM
"Okay, Martha... as your counselor I must emphasize that you are married to the mob, you can you can either sleep with Fat Paulie... or sleep with the fishes!"
"No, no, no... We aren't communicating. Your husband isn't a 'tub of lard'... THIS is!"
"Come on Dudes! Let's get Naked!
Posted by: Johnny V | March 17, 2008 6:34 PM
It's the tank we use to drown the kittens. But enough about my marriage ...
Posted by: Ernest | March 17, 2008 6:39 PM
"I have just the thing for you too! Lobster!"
Posted by: al in la | March 17, 2008 6:43 PM
"two" I meant "two."
Posted by: al in al | March 17, 2008 6:44 PM
"now, my lovely assistant will put me in a straight jacket, lock me in chains, and lock me in a tank of water, all in the name of science."
Posted by: Brian L | March 17, 2008 7:03 PM
"I accept Visa, Mastercard, or as much whipped cream as you can carry."
Posted by: Francis | March 17, 2008 7:15 PM
Before I commit my name and face in endorsing this home suicide kit, I thought you might first give it a whirl.
Posted by: boneguy | March 17, 2008 7:21 PM
"Oops! Marshall made a 'Grumpy Glare'! You know that's a no-no, Marshall! Time for a splash in the 'Happy Tank'! You change into your swim trunks and I'll get the inflatable horsey."
Posted by: Francis | March 17, 2008 7:21 PM
As my Italian Swedish grandmother used to say, "Nothing says love like an oversized herring flavored tiramisu." Go ahead, feel free to dig in.
Posted by: boneguy | March 17, 2008 7:27 PM
"Now, Mrs. Fenwick, I would like you to observe this demonstration that the conventional rules of graphical perspective are merely culturally conditioned relics of the patriarchal principalities of the so-called Renaissance. Let's talk about how that makes you feel."
Posted by: RichM | March 17, 2008 9:03 PM
Warren, Patricia, it's my job to know where the bodies are buried.
Posted by: Jay Stern | March 17, 2008 9:06 PM
And now I'd like to try a nifty little technique I call "He Sand, She Sand."
Posted by: Jay Stern | March 17, 2008 9:10 PM
"Oh that? The sperm bank upstairs needed some temporary storage."
Posted by: David | March 17, 2008 9:39 PM
It's "the water under the bridge" that we hope to get to. I used to keep "the milk of human kindness" here, but it turned to yogurt.
Posted by: therblig | March 17, 2008 10:01 PM
"You think this empty fish tank is depressing? You should see the buzzard my accountant has in his office!"
Posted by: Richard | March 17, 2008 10:01 PM
"Heh... you probably thought, like everyone else, that you were coming here for counselling. No. I have something very important to tell both of you. Ready? I own the Largest Vat of Mashed Potatoes in Seattle. Ain't it a beaut?"
Posted by: Vance | March 18, 2008 2:42 AM
"This is how we do things in handpuppet land."
Posted by: J.D. | March 18, 2008 8:30 AM
"Everybody tries to emulate James Thurber, forgetting that he drew that way because he only had one eye, and it wasn't a good one either."
Posted by: J.D. | March 18, 2008 8:33 AM
"You are clearly bulimic. If you have the urge to vomit, please do not do so in my very expensive tropical fish aquarium."
Posted by: J.D.f | March 18, 2008 8:37 AM
"Do you prefer Mrs. Beckham or just Posh?"
Posted by: J.D. | March 18, 2008 8:38 AM
"You'll find waterboarding is a great way to get in touch with that unexpressed anger."
"I call it Pyranha-therapy -- think of it like 'Truth or Consequences.'"
Posted by: C@LMike | March 18, 2008 1:37 PM
"So this is what you've been fighting over? I don't blame you- that's a lot of blow."
"Heather, pretend either your living Beatrice or Paul's money is buried in here- which one gives you more urge to go digging?"
Posted by: LR | March 18, 2008 1:48 PM
"If you're going to cry again, do it over my saltwater aquarium- I need to get the salinity up."
Posted by: LR | March 18, 2008 2:19 PM
"I think the two of you need more 'alone time'. And to help you with that, I've drowned your children"
Posted by: Grizzly Dad | March 18, 2008 2:30 PM
"All right, have it your way—you heard a seal bark!"
Posted by: stcoleridge | March 18, 2008 3:49 PM
"There's nothing to be nervous about. This is just like a normal marriage-counselor cartoon, except with a large pool of water in the corner. Now, Jerry, you were about to give us the punch line?"
Posted by: Joshua | March 18, 2008 3:51 PM
It is a trust game. One of you agrees to get into the vat of concrete and allow your partner to pull you out before it sets. This technique resolves all marital problems in one of two ways which happen to be mutually exclusive.
Posted by: Charles | March 18, 2008 5:21 PM
"You have problems. I have solutions."
Posted by: mypalmike | March 18, 2008 5:53 PM
"As you can see, I have three degrees of separation. Ha ha. So, tell me about your fish."
Posted by: mypalmike | March 18, 2008 6:04 PM
"F-A L-O-V-E-S P-A? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | March 18, 2008 6:08 PM
"As you see, I have placed the receiver for the speaker phone down by the tank, so the algae eater you are fighting over custody for can contrbute to this negotiation."
Posted by: stcoleridge | March 18, 2008 6:10 PM
"Before we get started, I should explain how my fee schedule is structured. After you leave, I throw up into this giant trough. Your fee is calculated according to the volume of my vomit. Any questions, or should we dive right in?"
Posted by: Andrew | March 18, 2008 6:54 PM
"So you say that she's excited about sex with you anymore, Mr. Smith? Well, this is bound to get her good and wet!"
Posted by: David | March 18, 2008 7:00 PM
"That disembodied black man's ass on your head is the closest thing to a negro I've ever seen in a New Yorker cartoon."
Posted by: J.D. | March 18, 2008 11:49 PM
"So they told me it was dangerous to put a tub full of water right next to my laptop and telephone and I told them 'Look, I'm the one with the fancy degrees on the wall, I don't need your advice!'"
Posted by: Kurt | March 19, 2008 12:41 AM
"A former aide to ex-NJ governer James McGreevey has just given me an idea about how to save your marriage. Now let's all get in the hot tub together."
Posted by: Kurt | March 19, 2008 12:46 AM
Oops, I meant "governor"
Posted by: Kurt | March 19, 2008 12:47 AM
"As you can see, I've saved many marriages. They're in this glass case, covered with snow so they don't rot."
Posted by: Francis | March 19, 2008 2:08 AM
"Sir, it appears you are married to topiary in a dress. I cannot help you."
Posted by: J.D. | March 19, 2008 4:21 AM
That's OK, all my new clients ask about it.... Yes, my mother took thalidomide for morning sickness when she was pregnant with me. My left arm is considerably shorter and my fingers are webbed.
Posted by: Ernest | March 19, 2008 6:32 AM
Marriage is like flesh eating purse fish, who will find purses, hide in them, and then attack the victim as soon as they open their purse. Wait, where are my fish? For the love of God don't open your purse!
Posted by: Mo Buck | March 19, 2008 10:31 AM
"Hey! Eyes front!"
Posted by: Chris | March 19, 2008 11:12 AM
"'There is water at the bottom of the ocean.' That lyric is as true today as it was in 1984 when I wrote it, and there's your proof. Same as it ever was. That's why I know this marriage can be saved."
Posted by: R.K. | March 19, 2008 11:33 AM
"Go right ahead, Mrs. Jones. You just try to wash off that dirty, used feeling brought on by your husband's infidelity. You'll soon see a much faster method is for us to have sex in front of him."
Posted by: MAtt | March 19, 2008 1:29 PM
"I also counsel married fish couples."
Posted by: MAtt | March 19, 2008 1:29 PM
"Yes I'll admit that, as far as quirky scenarios go, a marriage counselor with a large tank of water in his office is somewhat mundane. But I'm sure the three of us can still think up some witty commentary on this scene."
Posted by: Kurt | March 19, 2008 1:55 PM
"It would save a lot of time and money if you'd just let me drown you."
Posted by: Anna | March 19, 2008 5:07 PM
"Can I offer you something to drink? Perhaps some used bathwater?"
"I think everyone should freeze their sperm. in fact, I keep mine right here in the office."
Posted by: Brian L | March 19, 2008 6:40 PM
I paid Greenpeace one million dollars to cut a hole through the roof and hoist my Melonie out to open water. That was my solution. Your marriage is probably different.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | March 19, 2008 8:44 PM
At 10 o'clock we have story time, at 11 we make paper boats and sail them in this tank. And at noon, WE FUCKING GROW UP AND LEARN TO GET ALONG!!!
Posted by: Shawn | March 19, 2008 11:18 PM
It's time to sink or swim, Mr. and Mrs. Brunansky.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:44 AM
I'll side with whoever can stay underwater the longest.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:45 AM
This is not your average water bed.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:45 AM
I got tired of the water fountain. Just stick your head in and have a drink. But please, no backwash. That's just gross.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:49 AM
The apples haven't arrived yet, but we can bob for pens.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:52 AM
I bet you can't drink all that water without wetting your pants or dying.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | March 20, 2008 12:53 AM
"As you can see from the certification right here over my left shoulder, I am indeed a fully qualified marriage counselor. Shall we begin?"
Posted by: Joshua | March 20, 2008 5:25 AM
"You are going to have to face the fact that you are a whore, Mary. Now why don't you take a nice whore-bath while your husband and I settle the bill?"
Posted by: MAtt | March 20, 2008 9:25 AM
I majored in English Lit, so let me say what a treat it is to have you, Mr. Canterbury, your wife, and my bath, all here together.
Posted by: therblig | March 20, 2008 10:05 AM
Maybe fish aren't your thing. You could put eels in it.
Posted by: Stank | March 20, 2008 10:41 AM
"Please, Mrs Samuels, would you mind weeping over there, into the Cry-O-Lator. When they dry I use the salt for margaritas."
"This is just for now...I'm really an actor."
"This is a vat of wine made from all your sour grapes, Mrs Vey."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | March 20, 2008 10:55 AM
"And if you can't work it out by the end of 6 weeks, David Blaine will be joining you for your little soak..."
Posted by: Mike in LA | March 20, 2008 12:32 PM
Now, as your government-provided legal marriage counselor, the state of Kansas requires me to offer you two the non-therapeutic alternative solution to marriage issues: The Piranha Tank-Match Smack Down. The piranhas are pending because a substantial amount of our funds have been redirected to fund a Piranha Tank-Match Smack Down museum. Part of President Huckabee's initiative to "Teach the Smackdown".
Posted by: NecroDew | March 20, 2008 5:33 PM
"And by 'counseling,' of course, I mean 'baptism.'"
Posted by: Joshua | March 20, 2008 9:23 PM
"Sorry Brad, but without a pre-nup, the best I can do is show you the bath you'll be taking if you can't work things out."
Posted by: al in la | March 20, 2008 9:29 PM
It means your marriage needs more H2O. By which I mean more "head to orgasm".
Posted by: therblig | March 20, 2008 9:51 PM
"This is why I love bank foreclosures."
Posted by: Alicia | March 20, 2008 9:57 PM
"Spitzer...McGreevey...Paterson...hahahahaha!"
Posted by: David F | March 20, 2008 10:42 PM
It's the world's largest stick of butter, the ultimate prestige symbol for a successful man like myself. Now, how can I help you?
Posted by: Tom | March 21, 2008 10:10 AM
What can ravage, rust, start wars, and would devastate us to go without? My friends, it's not only a riddle--it's a conversation piece.
Posted by: NecroDew | March 21, 2008 12:37 PM
I get it, he's a snake. Hey that reminds me, have either you seen a six-foot water moccasin? Just asking.
Posted by: Seabendy | March 21, 2008 1:47 PM
"Whenever I see a good comic I put it through the shredder and place it here. Then I take a bad one and give it to the New Yorker."
Posted by: Brian L | March 21, 2008 4:20 PM
I think that having a child will save your marriage, so pick a fetus from the tank and make an appointment for implantation. I have a good feeling about you kids. I really think you're gonna make it.
Posted by: therblig | March 21, 2008 9:29 PM
I can either throw some salt in your wounds or over my left shoulder. As you can see, most of my clients decide not to piss me off.
Posted by: t. aragno | March 22, 2008 1:09 AM
"In cases of wasting we usually prescribe this ayurvedic herbal milk bath, but since you've done so much meth your head imploded I can't promise anything. I am also a marriage counselor should the need ever arise."
Posted by: J.D. | March 22, 2008 3:56 AM
"Yes, that's my sensory deprivation tank. But it has clear sides and an open top due to my ongoing battles with claustrophobia and nyctophobia. But it really is relaxing after a long night of constant nagging from the old battleaxe. Now, how can I help you kids?"
Posted by: earlg | March 22, 2008 10:17 AM
"Well, yes... this is an oversized tank... but I have to keep it here because at home we have an oversized cat."
"Sure, it is a waste of money having a fish tank this large... but I make obscenely LOTS of money from my pathetic rich clients! Oops... Oh, well... you'll get a bill later, so I guess you'd just figure it out anyway!"
"Got it on Craigslist... $50!"
"As you can see... the conditions here are 'Piscene'!"
Posted by: Johnny V | March 22, 2008 11:44 AM
This empty aquarium represents the status of your love life. Oh, at first it seems deep--but compared to your standard recreational swimming pool, well, you're not gonna get more than five, six cannonballs before enough water has been displaced for the whole idea to be recklessly irresponsible and unsafe. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I'm still really, really sorry about what happened when your kids came here with you last week.
Posted by: NecroDew | March 22, 2008 11:48 AM
Actually, I'm not pointing to anything. It's just a condition of my probation to keep one arm up like this in full view to prove I'm really not masturbating under the desk.
Posted by: NecroDew | March 22, 2008 12:03 PM
"Have either of you tried an 'outside interest', for example ? .... I don't know, like maybe combatting world sea-level rise ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | March 22, 2008 1:07 PM
"Empty nest-empty acquarium, I hardly see a difference !"
Posted by: Sam L. | March 22, 2008 1:12 PM
"Economy ! E-C-O-N-0-M-Y , 'stupids' ! I can't stress the word enough !..... Why, with $1.25 worth of salt, I turned this old acquarium from 'Good Will Industries' into a very satisfactory bed away from home for me whenever the wife and I are 'on the outs'."
Posted by: Sam L. | March 22, 2008 1:32 PM
"So you feel that a mixed culture of guppies and piranha may just work for me, then ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | March 22, 2008 1:42 PM
"These are the enchanted waters of Galadriel, the elven queen of Lothlórien."
Posted by: Dan | March 22, 2008 7:39 PM
"Last summer, my wife and I took a trip to Lourdes. Well, you could get small vial of the water from their gift shop…but right next door was this Costco and…”
Posted by: Dan | March 22, 2008 7:44 PM
"It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told."
Posted by: al in la | March 22, 2008 10:00 PM
"Have you considered communicating via semaphore code? Well, it's an experimental technique, but the literature suggests it can be highly therapeutic. Step right over to the oceanic simulator and we'll begin."
Posted by: Joshua | March 23, 2008 12:39 AM
"Veni vidi splash-o-leevio (but not in the way one would splash-o-leevio from an unnaturally tall lifeguard tower or while washing dishes from the judicial bench)!"
Posted by: Chris | March 23, 2008 6:56 PM
"No, my hands have always been this size."
Posted by: mark | March 23, 2008 10:46 PM
"I also moonlight as a Baptist minister - you know - one of those crazy, full-immersion Baptist ministers."
Posted by: Dave | March 23, 2008 10:55 PM
"I give up. I just don't give a fuck any more! I don't! Here's the tank where I'm going to drown myself, right after I burn your inheritance before your eyes."
Posted by: Jessica | March 23, 2008 11:03 PM
"I give up. I just don't give a fuck any more! I don't! Here's the tank where I'm going to drown myself, right after I burn your inheritance before your eyes."
Posted by: Jessica | March 23, 2008 11:03 PM
"Shamu wanted to be here to teach you about a happy marriage, but he died last night from auto-erotic asphyxiation."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | March 24, 2008 10:18 AM
"I seven the sandbox."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | March 24, 2008 10:22 AM
For my first trick, I, David Blaine, will hold my breath underwater for five hours
Posted by: mloclam | March 24, 2008 11:01 AM
"You thought it was a metaphor? No, my best selling therapy book, 'Learning To Share Your Sandbox : Stop Throwing Sand and Start Building Castles,' is really about sharing a sandbox. Now, did you bring your plastic shovels?"
Posted by: mypalmike | March 24, 2008 11:31 AM