March 3, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #136

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Note to self: Hire the Buzzard salesman. He's really GOOD!" —Johnny V

"In Soviet Union, buzzard punches you!" —Delmon Dimitrovich Young

"Where the hell is the clitoris on this thing?" —Rubrick

Honorable mention
"Gladys, could you order in lunch? I'll have no-mayo tuna on rye with tomato and the vulture will have your cat. The damn thing has been dead for a week and it is about time you stopped crying." —Charles

"Marge? You know that cute little Jack Russell puppy you gave me this morning? I gave it to someone who really loves those dogs. Can bring another one tomorrow? Great. Thanks." —al in la

"Ms. Henderson, you’d better postpone the meeting with Mr. Bond again. Then get me that idiot from villain supply on the line. Who do I have to fuck around here to get a cat with a jeweled collar !?!" —Dan

"How about nevermore? Is nevermore good for you?" —LV

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Too bad - they're out of roadkill..how about tuna on white?

In Soviet Union, buzzard punches you!

“Yes, could I get some coffee please? And some rotting flesh for my bird?”

“I think it means that Luca Brazzi has cancer again. Find out where he’s staying, and we’ll send him some flowers.”

No, I don't know what set him off! I'll say it again, slowly, and we'll see what happens: "CARRY ON, MISS WHITE . . ."

"Marian, I asked for a corporate attorney not a personal injury lawyer."

"Marian, order me some carryout and some carrion."

"Ms. Jones, call an ambulance! This bird has eaten my lower torso!!"

If your fucking is as bad as your orinthology, that's why me and the doorman are double-teaming your wife. It's a BUZZARD, not a VULTURE, numb-nuts.

If your fucking is as bad as your orinthology, that's why me and the doorman are double-teaming your wife. It's a VULTURE, not a BUZZARD, numb-nuts.

"Ms. Williams, did I or did I not leave strict instructions not let my ex-wife in under ANY circumstances?!"

"Ms. Edwards, it will be the usual two for lunch at the Dead Meat Café."

"Ms. Smith, get American Airlines. It seems they have a problem with our client's carrion luggage."

"Okay. I'll get Hillary on the line but you, my friend, have to tell her the status of her campain."

"Whoever took my clip-on parrot had better return it before the sales meeting today."

"Marge, get someone in here to clean up this huge pile of bird shit."

"I said I needed someone to fix this intercom 'BUZZER'. Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"


"Marcy, I've been having multiple strokes and cannot move my legs. Don't call an ambulance; I've a feeling it's fatal"

"Marjorie, I appear to be a woodcut."

"Sandra, get me the number for Hair Club For Men On Death's Doorstep."

..and the vulture says to the businessman, "Is that a lit fuse on the top of your head or are you just glad to see me?"

"Lisa! Fire the cleaners. I got a vulture to get rid of the bodies. Will save us big bucks in the long run. Times are tough, you know?"

"Wow, I never thought a microscopic axe stuck into the top of my head would turn into a fatal injury, but vultures don't lie..."

"Miss Jones, there seems to have been a typo in yesterday's staff-wide memo calling for a New Corporate Culture."

Miss Johnson, please call downstairs and let them know that we can't start the joke until the shark gets here.

”That’s a goat and a buzzard so far. Are any of the applicants human beings?”

"Sandy, you're fired. I'm sending Jorge down there to clean out your entrails."

"MY BUZZARD SEEKS A MATE! That's what I want the Craigslist ad to say. All caps. Can you read that back to me?"

“They shit all over the place! Why wasn’t I apprised of that?”

"Parsi Mortuary -- how may we help you?"

Early experiment in self-administered execution using through-the-finger electrocution.

"Winchler here. Get me another buzzard exactly like this one. Before my brother gets back from lunch. Now!"

"Yes, six. They're quite affordable because Disney characters only have three fingers."

"So, its a black tie affair. This should conern me why?"

"Quick! The vulture perch on the right just broke off!"

"The transformation is complete -- he's now a true venture capitalist."

"I'm rethinking the 'over my dead body' memo."

"You know what kind of shit I have to put up with around here?"

"Pay attention as the menu has changed. Add Grilled Buzzard with Lentils and Green Apple Mustard.”

"What do you mean you're my father?! No, not you, Janice, there's a buzzard in here."

"Miss Wilkins? I'm ready for Mr. Torre now."

"No, I said 'buzzword.'"

I'm sorry Mr. Radosh, I could have sworn you said "Raptor Ready".

Hello, you've reached the office of Harold Reynolds. I'm unavailable to take your call at this time. Please meave a lessag- Damn it! I did it again!

Hey Karl, I'm not really liking this new secretary. Any chance we can get what's her name back? Julie, I think? At least she could take dictation. Plus, she gave much better head.

"I'd like to make a person-to-person call to the late John James Audubon. Thank you."

"He says his name is Charlie Parker, but I don't believe him."

"He’s away from his perch. Would you like his squawk mail?”

"Yes this is Rudolph Giuliani but can you hold on a moment I think my life coach just died."

"Fine, I'm asking for whom, then, not for who."

"Miss Venable, I believe the UPS package you left on my desk was actually intended for the 'lost in the desert' cartoon next door."

"The vultures here are accipitridine."

A common misconception. I'm actually not grim at all, but rather congenial and outgoing. So, I will see you in Samarra tonight.

"Carol, the seafood place screwed up again. I ordered the tilapia, and they sent me perch instead."

"I said I had Carcassonne in my desk, not that I had a carcass on my desk."

"Carrion, my wayward son... There'll be pieces when I am done. Lay your weary beak to rest. Don't you squawk no more."

It's been nice talking to you too Pestilence. Death sends his regards and hopes to see you in Basra real soon.

“Mother! Move my 10:15 to this afternoon, pull the Textron file, and clean the bird crap off my desk!”

"Your balance includes tax, interest and carrion charges."

"How about nevermore? Is nevermore good for you?"

"This white-out dispenser keeps leaking on my desk."

"How the hawk do I know? Owl I can falcon say is 'Get your ass Raptor Ready!'"

"Where the hell is the clitoris on this thing?"

Helen, call custodial. The bird shit on my desk again.

No, the irony isn't that I asked for a BlackBERRY and you sent a Black VULTURE, but that you actually sent a TURKEY Vulture. Come to think of it, that's not ironic, just incredibly stupid. Don't you IT guys take any pride in your work?

"Judging from the presence of a vulture, our business prospects are not good."

"Hey... You aren't a parrot! You are a vulture! That would explain why you haven't ever spoken... and there are dry bones in the waiting room!"

"Hello. this is William Smith from the IRS... I am afraid after looking over your 2007 income tax paperwork, my associate and I would like to schedule an audit..."

"Buzzards aren't funny... and trying to make light of their ways isn't something I appreciate, Miss Jenkins."

"Why yes... I DO have a buzzard! You too!?! Funny, I didn't think anyone would ever ask me that question... Just shows how eHarmony.com really DOES find your soulmate!"

"Now you're really testing me, Mordechai. You know as well as I do that I'll simply brush away that speck of fecal matter with my finger like so -- but next time you're in big trouble."

Miss Evans, contact the Bush Division and let them know I'm almost ready to make that trade.

"I can't wait to see the defense attorney's face when I bring this vulture out to sentencing! The courtroom illustration is going to be fucking awesome!"

"Damn, it's really dead around here today."

"Do you have to have your asshole right over my phone?"

"I don't know what it is Dr. Freud. Lately, I just feel hopeless"

It's Lynn Cheney. Looks like you're related to Dick as well.

"You call this a tiger?"

"Johnson, get in here! And yes, bring the vulture gun."

"Joanne, can you send in the vulture exterminato—OH MY GOD! A VULTURE!"

"Tell the boss I'll rethink early retirement."

"Hold on, let me put you on speaker. Okay, go ahead."

"Yes, I think you'll make the perfect ambulance chaser for our law firm!"

"I thought I saw a puddy cat? Trying to kill me with laughter, are you!?"

"Just remember, I'm the boss, and you're the subordinate claws."

"Sorry. but let me put it this way to you...I make bird flu seem almost enjoyable!"

"Please hurry. It's building a huge nest and its favorite material is human hair!"

"Nancy, please come into my office very, very slowly. You are not going to believe it, but that large perch on my desk finally attracted a vulture."

"If this is some kind of joke, I'm not laughing. Well, I am laughing on the inside, but as far you are concerned, I'm this close to firing you. Now please come into my office so I can show you how close 'this' is. It is really, really close."

"Doug! What's up, buddy?...Yeah, I can do lunch today. Reserve a place with outdoor seating...Yeah, he's back."

Am I not reading these comment closely enough, or has no pointed out this is clearly a clip-on?

"Eileen? Could you call custodial and have them remove this iconic cartoon representation of failure from my desk? It's not as funny as I thought it'd be."

"Yes, thank you Ms. Andrews. This is MUCH better than the other one."

"He says he's here because he's my friend, my friend, my friend to the bitter end."

That's less a joke than a shout out to parents of small children who've recently watched the (always amazing) JUNGLE BOOK.

Debbie, call maintenance and DEMAND a humidifier.

Debbie a giant scavenger bird just flew in the window and is perching on my tensor lamp. It's mocking my deepest aspirations. Call maintenance.

"Mark. Get in here. I need some M2M, stat! Oh, and ignore the vulture."

"Bye-bye, birdie!"

Pss... brother Iranis...turn the nuclear experiements off.... US is watching...!!

"Look, how hard can it be? Whenever I say 'Quoth the raven', you say 'Nevermore'. OK? Recording again ...."

I know the economy is crazy... but cant you just wait till i die? Okay, have it your way! Let me call the bank and you can have me in ten minutes...

"Hello, Human Resources? Yes, I'll hold ... ."

"So when you want to squawk your head off and torture some poor peon for no reason, just push this button here."

"Knock knock. 'Who's there?' Hal. 'Hal who?' Halitosis! And your guts taste great!"

"Dinner on Thursday sounds great, but I have to check with the old buzzard first and see if we have plans. And by 'the old buzzard' I mean Trudy. I'm so bad."

Yes, I have heard that the bird is the word. But thanks for the call.

Well, it's about 25.5 inches in length, with a 5 foot wingspan and a weight of about 6 pounds. Its plumage is mainly glossy black, the head and neck are featherless and the skin is dark gray and wrinkled. The iris of the eye is brown and has a single incomplete row of eyelashes on the upper lid and two rows on the lower lid. The legs are grayish white, the two front toes of the foot are long and have small webs at their bases. The feet are flat, relatively weak, and are poorly adapted to grasping. The talons are also not designed for grasping, as they are relatively blunt. But enough about my new secretary, how's business?

"Yes I would like to order the large pizza with dead rodents and rotted meat on the side... and, I know this may sound weird, but, do you have anything on the menu that a buzzard might eat?"

"Yes, Jane, can you come in and remove this buzzard?!.. and by 'remove' I mean 'take off your clothes'... and by 'buzzard' I mean 'have sex with me'."

"Dammit... even with this security buzzard someone STILL came in and scrawled 'Dd' on the side of my desk!"

Clo..ehh..cuh. Cloaca. Cloaca? Uh huh. And why do I care? You gotta be kidding me! Their shit and piss mix inside of them?

You're really quite attractive. I would say very, very attractive. What would you say to a quiet dinner at Chez Louis? If that's not good, I could run over my cat, have him on a platter by six, & you could fly over about seven?

Who's a pretty birdy?

I read once that buzzards have no feathers on their heads so when they insert their heads into a carcass, then withdraw, their heads won't get stuck inside the dead animal. Is that true? Do you think that's why I'm going bald? So I can insert my entire head into a client's carcass and not get stuck? Dear God, tell me I'm right and it's not so that the only date I'll ever get is for thousands of dollars at the Russian Bride website.

Well, now this just puts the fluffy pink icing on the cake. I have a buzzard on my desk, no computer, and I've just Super Glued my finger to the phone. What next? Discovering that when my doctor asked if I'd tried Levitra he meant the whore over on Second Avenue and not the pill?

Francine, can you bring in the file containing the affidavit stating that I am not yet carrion?

"Found Him!"

"....Rather a clumsy metaphor for the imminent demise of land lines, don't you think?"

"...Batphone....Wrist-Radio...I got a goddamn
Vulture Rotary"

Oh just I love them. When can I get some C's for my chair and B's for my buzzard?

"Amy, can you call our IT guy? I can't find the on switch."

Ever since I became this high-profile corporate executive, I started taking trash from all sorts of random cranks. One of the ones that always got to me was people calling me an "industrial vulture". What the fuck does that mean? So at some point I actually got a pet vulture. So now when people shout "INDUSTRIAL VULTURE!" at me, I say, "No, but I OWN a vulture!" Originally I thought it would be a good ice-breaker, but um...not really.

Security? There's a big fucking buzzard on my desk.

"What's that buzzie? Timmy fell in a well?"

"T.A. Winchler? Sorry, you have the wrong number."

Louise, can you again remind Marketing that any animal associated with death is not a good mascot for a health insurance company. No wonder Aflac is kicking our ass.

Hello, PetSmart? I lost the receipt but I must insist that you let me return unconsumed portion of that high performance birdseed you sold me. My budgie had a bad reaction to it.

"No. Do not wear your feather boa. The boss won't find that funny, and he'll tear me a new cloaca."

"Yeah hi, Ann Coulter's here. She'd like a few dead mice and a Diet Coke before she heads into make-up."

"No, no -- in Europe a buzzard is a type of hawk, but in North America a buzzard is a bald scavenger such as a vulture or a condor. My buzzard is a turkey vulture. Why don't you just come to my office so I can show you?"

"It's not Thanksgiving, and that's not a turkey."

"Brenda, I still feel insecure about going bald."

"Marcy, get T. A. Winchler on the phone. Polly ate the nameplate too."

"The hours here are going to kill me."

"Good lord, it ripped the computer monitor to pieces and is using the bottom of it as a perch! If this keeps up, we're going to have to move our offices out of Bartow, Florida."

"Fortuna! Fortuna! Mistress bitch of my despair! What concubine, what odalisque e'er so cruelly repaid such a loving master? A vulture-bird sits upon its perch upon my desk and hangs forlorn as yesterday's hope for tomorrow's glory. O Grottlesex! O Diaperman! Speeding halves of some same coward departed danger's first whiff on feet of oiled ice! Abandoned but for the quiet company of Death I sit. Did you get that, Millicent? Good. Now, send my wife some flowers and bring in my shotgun."


I don't KNOW what it's doing here at our talent agency. It appears to be another one of those vulture slash folk singers who will work for entrails or peanuts.

"Marge? You know that cute little Jack Russell puppy you gave me this morning? I gave it to someone who really loves those dogs. Can bring another one tomorrow? Great. Thanks."

"OK, our mergers and acquisitions attorney is with us now; I have us on speaker phone ... "

"Betty, cancel my vacation plans for Buzzards Bay."

"Dammit, Marge, I said Air Corps specialist, not air corpse specialist!"

Oh, it's just Jenkins here from the pro-death lobby... he just loves the Republican front runner... every time he sees John McCaine on television he gets excited and starts circling around desperately searching for nutrition. Last night he wrecked about ten flat screens at a Best Buys he happened to be flying through.

Phone. What your kind calls "awkahwa." We use the phone -- or awkahwa -- when we wish to speak to others.

Hello Mrs. Prettyokaybottom, take this message from the Scavenger King to all the leaders of the world. "If my demands are not met by 12:00 midnight I will poop...and I will keep pooping until my demands are met." end of message.

The pet vulture in one of NecroDew's post informs me that the previous annymous is actually Gary Goldsmith who has too much free time and must be alone.

Yes dear...no dear...yes dear...oh honey, when you go outside, look up at how beautiful the sky is today (click) Bitch. Look you buzzard bastard - my wife is just leaving the gym, in a minute she'll be at valet parking. She's 5'4", hot as California wildfire, and with a guy that looks like Russell Crowe. I want you to do a scare-job on her...and I want circling, lots of circling.

"Thank you for calling Citigroup, how can I help you?"

"I'd say the corporate environment here is really laid back and easy going. Now how about that internship we'd like to offer you?"

I am the buzzard's secretary.

(1) Hello? Endangered Species of the Month Club? Yes, I'm sorry to say the animal you sent me this month is not endagered. No, not even a little bit.

(2) Taxidermy Hot Line? Thank god! I've got a real mess on my hands here... you should see what's coming out of this thing.

Hello, tech support? I think my computer just died.

"Oficina de Fidel Castro. ¿Puedo ayudarle?"

"Yes,and a table near a dead waiter!"

"Ms. Jenkins, I think I understand now what you mean by a hostile work environment."

"Shirley, send that memo to Steve Jobs concerning motivational excesses."

"Send in the clowns. We'll see who's scared now."

"Yes,two for lunch, and a table near a dead waiter!"

Ms. Henderson, you’d better postpone the meeting with Mr. Bond again. Then get me that idiot from villain supply on the line. Who do I have to fuck around here to get a cat with a jeweled collar !?!

Gladys, could you order in lunch? I'll have no-mayo tuna on rye with tomato and the vulture will have your cat. The damn thing has been dead for a week and it is about time you stopped crying.

"You've reached the law offices of Skavinger and McNiceguy. Skavinger speaking."

"Hold my caws please."

"Mr. Yang? A representative from Microsoft has arrived to discuss the acquisition."

(Didn't see the similar one by stcoleridge before... Sorry.)

"I brought along a couple of mid... Hey, where are the damn midgets?"

"Kathy, come over to my office... and say hello to MY leetle friend!"

"My motto is, 'Why hang out with the 'Turkeys' when you can glean with the Vultures!?!' Okay... the motto sucks but I still got this cool vulture."

"Shirley, could you call Tripp Isenhour and ask if he could stop by and help remove this bird from my office?!"

"I've spent my entire afternoon smoothing ruffled feathers, don't you start in on me now. I'll be home when I can."

"Dewey, Eatem & Howe."

"Brenda, get your carcass in here right now!"

"Miss Pettigrew, has Arthur come back from the tiger room with those files yet? No? Will you be a doll and go see if you can find him, and also walk my vulture?"

"If it's this phone you want, take it. Here. Just please never come near me or my family again."

Hello... Wall Street Journal? I want to report that our firm just got a hostile take-over bid from Google.

"Our new editor wants you to resubmit your cartoon from last November."

"Norene, call the deli and tell them I ordered CHICKEN, in a BASKET."

"Woodcut vulture jokes -- so five minutes ago."

"Note to self: Hire the Buzzard salesman. He's really GOOD!"

"I have GOT to stop eating wild mushrooms during work hours!"

"...and move the motivational team-building exercise to tomorrow. That's right, waterboarding for fun and profit."

"This is the worst air freshener yet!"

"I should have known better. I graduated Harvard Claw School, passed the Barf Exam, and ended up here."

Yeah, Barb, you can tell the guys in the mail room, "that I get it Ha Ha Ha!"

"I took the Viagra like you said but my bird's head is still sagging."

Hold on a moment, let me call an aviary!


"Veni vidi scarf-a-carcass-o-leevio!"

Looks like your client's gunna need to get that paternity test afterall Arty. Vulcan here maintains there's "no way" he fucked that pigeon.

Willy Loman here.

"Well, sure, Vidioso, your name and number came attached-- but there was no other message."

"Signed: Topping B. Poe.... That's right ! This'll give 'em the bird, hey, Doris ?!"

"Yes, yes, I explained that, of course ! Do you take me for a complete idiot, Evans ?! Recall I graduated 'cum laude' from the Wharton School of Business !... And yet it continues to lour at me as though I were a CORPUS executive !"

" 'Massacre pigeon' ? ..... Ah, the new species ! ...... Right, right ! ... I'll be damned !"

"No, you cannot haz cheezburger."

"Dmitri--of course I like the gift, Dmitri--it's just usually an eagle, Dmitri...No, I'm not saying you should take it back...I'm not ungrateful--Oh! That's England on the other line, I'll see you at the summit, Dmitri."

Re finalist #2: everyone knows it's the star button.

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