February 18, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #134

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"I really wish we had bought hazmat suits for the kids too. I miss them." —JohnnyB

"How's about a glow job?" —Brian L

"Not tonight honey, my suit is filled with shit and piss." —Gary Goldsmith

Honorable mention
"What do you mean when you said ,'I have been to Uranus and back!?'" —Johnny V

"Open the pod bay door, Hal." —The Confidence Man

"Turn me loose tonight; I'm radioactive." —Joel

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Not tonight, hunny, I have a headache.

“We could try doing it without the helmets.”

"Sex sure is weird, here... in the FUTURE!"

"I really wish we had bought hazmat suits for the kids too. I miss them."

"I just had a nocturnal emission but you are safe because of the hazmat suit."

"I can't sleep."

It occured to me that if we got rid of the high intensity light there, we could sleep without these helmets."

Who the *#%&! are you?

I don't know - who the *#%&! are YOU?

"How's about a glow job?"

I dunno, sex without protection just makes me feel so vulnerable.

“Really, it was THAT big?! I thought it was only THIS big.”

"What a godawful hellish nightmare cesspoool the world has become, dontchathink?"

"Whaddaya mean, stop it? You paid me to 'rock you all night' and that's just what I'm gonna do."

"Can you please turn off that light?"

"My mother wanted me to marry an executioner. But no, I had to marry a spot-welder. Jesus, everything sucks."

"You know, I had my doubts that the plutonium vibrator would be worth all this trouble, but it totally is."


"Thanks, I think wearing these suits was a good way to ease me into my first homosexual sex act."

"The cooling towers here are obscene."

God I love this ass.

What do you mean the condom came off inside me?

"Are we an interspecies couple under these suits? I bet we are."

"Sheesh, it was only a movie. There's really no such thing as vagina dentata."

"Your helmet's on backwards."

"All right, Senator McCain, I guess you really are conservative."

Couldn't we just wipe down the hotel remote?

Are you hot?

I just had the weirdest dream.

You're so right. This will save us a ton of time in the morning.

Very funny. Where the hell did you find an alarm clock that sounds like a geiger counter?

Tomorrow night, I'll be a tuna fish sandwich and you'll be a tuna fish sandwich

Don't worry Constance, when my penis bores its way through this titanium suit your headache will be a thing of the past.

Oh darn! I think Woody, our colorful but wily parrot has escaped from his cage again.

Next time, I'll be Soyuz and you can be Apollo.

Ever since I was a boy I wanted to be an ass-tronaut!

"Honey, wake up. Your helmet has rotated around backwards in your sleep. I don't want you to suffocate."

Eep! Opp! Ork! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnhhh!

Foolish earthling! I was only pretending to use a condom!

"What in the hell are we doing with our lives?"

"I see your confusion. When I said I wanted to put my helmet in your ass, I actually meant..."

"Tell me truthfully. Did you feel the earth move or not? If you did, that's a Code Red alert!!!!"

"I thought college would be much more fun. Damn you juicycampus.com!!!!!"

"Why do I always have to sleep on the radioactive wet patch?"

"Sometimes I feel like I live at my job! ...Probably because of these beds and nightstands, wouldn't you say, Farnsworth?"

When we go to Home Depot tomorrow to buy water purification tablets, remind to buy an alarm clock.

You'll never believe it, but after work, I went to the bar and who was sitting in the next stool but an immense Mr. Potato Head!!!

"Come on baby, blow my torch.”

“That’s not what I said. I said MY head is up your ass!”

"I brought a couple of ingots - do you mind?"

"Did you save the receipt? These pajamas are a little hot for Phoenix in August."


You wrote *#%&! instead of an actual swear word? Are you a masochist, secretly fishing for a long, boring pro-profanity lecture from Radosh?

"I don't think the hazmat suits are working. Three of my fingers just fell off."

"Can't we just pretend we just met?"

"uhh-hhuh!... I was big spoon LAST night!"

Yet again, Pedestal Lamp rued the Gods of Articulation for not including him in their plans.

"Luke... I am your father!"

"Darling, you are simply radiant tonight!"

"These suits they gave us in our 'Sexual Education for the 23rd Century Teen' class are really uncomfortable. Wanna just try it without them?"

"Honey! Wake up quick! The bedside lamp is poised to strike!"

I'm all for safe sex, but finger-banging through the comforter and this wacky suit? Fuhgidabowdit.

"Quit hogging the blanket."

The post-apocalyptic future is a great time for us ugly people.

Ever have the feeling you forgot to turn something...ON?

Honey, I can't sleep. You don't think I'm fat, do you?

That had better be your Geiger counter, mister.

"Let's keep our copy of 'The Very Very Secret Adventures of Jules Verne' very, very secret."

"Wait, why do you have a suit on? I mean, I'm the one who's having sex with a negro... rrrriiiiiight???"

"Not tonight, dear, I'm wearing a hazmat suit. And so are you, come to think of it."

Well, I don't know about this. Wait...How many partners did you say you had been with?

Cindy, I curse the relentless march of time, the destroyer of everything!!! Alas, one day our love won't even be a memory in any living soul!!! Most of all, I piss on the hack creator who drew these absurd suits that you can't have sex in!! FUCK HIM!!!!!!!!!

Not tonight honey, my suit is filled with shit and piss.

"I'm sorry, Linda, I just can't sleep knowing Space Ghost is out there, somewhere, perpetrating his carnage unabated."

"Did you remember to send Mel Gibson a Christmas card?"

"Well, if the Oppenheimers are keeping you awake YOU go talk to them."

"These fart suits aren't working."

"Okay... That will be 20 trilpaks. However, I will take Visa."

"Is that a rocket in your pocket or are you... oh wait.... It IS a rocket in your pocket."

"What do you mean when you said ,'I have been to Uranus and back!?'"

"We need to talk. You know how you like to say you've gone where no man has gone before? Well, I have met someone..."

"Morning, Snookums!"

"Doing porn for Pixar is way too sanitized- I mean, on this set even Woody would need a fluffer."

"OH yeah- tell Daddy where to put his glowstick."

I had this crazy dream we were in spa---AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"As long as you continue to allow the blanket to casually splay along the floor, you're undermining our larger M.O. , [this word said with strong New Jersey accent] HERE."

Beryllium, you crazy bastard!

What may be more shocking to people watching us than the fact that not only are we naked and what Mr Peanut looks like without his Peanut suit on -- and that there is in fact an entire race of Mr Peanuts -- but that Mr Peanut doesn't wear gloves: his hands -- our hands -- actually look like this.

Open the pod bay door, Hal.

Gol-lee, Hill -- first your team can't figure out the Texas delegate-allocation rules, then you can't even field a full slate of delegates in Pennsylvania? You're fucked.

"Do you think we have a toxic relationship?"

"Sex just doesn't get any more anonymous than this."

Is this a King or a California King?

I think our fallout started after you gave me that dirty bomb and I had a meltdown.

"You can't keep 10,000 bees in a shoe-box in the closet! They'll die!"

"Honey, please...You're only fucking yourself."

I just feel like my life is out of control, Rod.

"What's the safe word again? Honey? Hellloooo? You OK? Eh, oh well."

"I forgot to turn off the microwa - ah, fuck it."

"You're gonna have to get up. The Clapper is broken."

"No, I'm not grabbing your ass."

"This is great. We can finally have morning sex without brushing our teeth!"

"Hey, sleepy-head, time to get up. And remember, you promised to fix the garage door opener, paint the hall, and take out the toxic waste."

Would you just hurry up and contaminate me?!!

I can't sleep with the lights on.

Dan... Ya Up? I think I just spent my fuel rods!

Do you really think you got that hepatitis from Johnny?

Sweetie... is it uranium-234, neptunium-237, plutonium-238 and americium-241? or is it 867-5309?

"That better be your hand on my hazardous waist mister hazmat man."

"In Chernobyl sex has you."

"Klaatu barata......, fukto?"

"Fidel has retired, we can take these off now."

"Pull my finger."

All right. Have it your way - you heard a sealed quark."

I see the ghost of Orville Redenbacher in your face mask.

"Um, I lost the key to your butt."

The next time you agree to have us shrunk down to perform colonoscopy, have the decency to make sure that the rectum has clean sheets and a comfy bed.

"Have I told you lately that I veni vidi love-o-leevio! you?"

Isn't it interesting how random chance dramatically changes our paths in life? Like, for instance, if it weren't for that deadly chemical spill back in September, we never would have met in the "R" bar. And that night of unbridled passion would never have happened. And you would never have been exposed to the toxic dust on my clothing that killed you by morning, forcing me to try in vain to preserve your body in a hazmat suit all these winter months. Ah, the crazy twists and turns of life's little accidents... I love you, martini guy.

Oh god! Oh god! Honey, please wake up! Please!

"Oxy-acetylene or electric arc?"

"I still can't believe our parents did this."

[Imagine a crackling radio transmission with soothing, yet authoritative male voice that has a slight southern accent]
"Roger that Houston, We're ready for re-entry...Over."

From FOX PEOPLE NEWS: When these welders get together for love in their newly designed love suits, sparks don't fly like you might think! Actually the slow rubbing together of the material is harmless and very very sensual.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the sex or anything, but I'm sorry, life in a post-nuclear-holocaust world still sucks ass.

Mary, you remind of my sister Mary.

Mary, in-spite of Gary's domination of the contest this week, these other posters continue to try and be funny. They are losers by I am in awe of their gumption. Now for the joke: Let's have sex anyway.

I'm really sorry I hung up on that guy who was just trying to get a cab last night.

I read an article where the researchers said that 83.432543 percent of all human action is robotic.

It's time for your Lexapro, Dear.

I'm cooked on this side, slide open the door, rotate my head but don't forget to stir the mashed potatoes, I mean brains, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Not tonight, Gordon. I have a headcrab.

"The AIDS crisis has been a terrible tragedy."

"Tom, I'm not clear on one thing. Oops! I meant the real 'clear', not 'CLEAR clear'. Not that the 'CLEAR clear' isn't real--nothing of the kind. Oh, shit, never mind. I didn't say it. Good night."

"How about this?!? 'Not tonight I have ATOMIC Ache!'
Not funny?! Well, we STILL aren't having sex! Now go to sleep, Dan!"

"This is why I love going to garage sales"

Should have Googled it:
"This is why I love yard sales."

"How come mine has bars in front and yours doesn't? Don't you trust me any more?"

"I just had a dream I was standing in this hospital room wearing a deep-sea diving suit. Freaky, huh?"

"There's that noise, again, downstairs, like someone prowling about! Oh, I hate feeling so defenseless!"

"You're sure you have the right rod this time?"

Well. Mr. Super Delegate... talk is cheap! If you want my vote you're gonna have to earn it.

"Wake up, honey . . . Come on . . . Honey?"

HIM: My God, Soyent Green is people!!!!
HER: Big deal, we're not people.

doh, i meant to spell soylent green

Get your hand off me you goddamm diry ape!


"For the last time, no! What if someone we know sees it on line?"

(1) Coming soon to a theater near you... Rob Schneider stars in Deuce Bigelow, Space Gigolo.

(2) "Hey, I just thought of something. If everything is floating in zero-gravity inside this space station, what's keeping the bed, the nightstand, and the lamp on the floor? Also, why the hell are we in bed together?!"

"Good night John Boy!", "Good night Mary Ellen!"

"I spy with my own eye something...white!"

Remember when we complained about the Army's DON'T ASK - DON'T TELL policy?

I can use HTML tags for style but I choose not to.

"Say, can you give me a hand with this butt plug?"

Shaquandra, If that nasty PARALLEL DIMENSION shows up here again and tries to win your love back, I'm going to kill it.

That's not the ghost of Orville Redenbacher I see in the face mask. It actually IS Orville Redenbacher suffocating from those deadly fumes that harmed or killed thousands of workers in pop corn factories. He was transported here by that goddamn parallel dimension.

Well, no, everything is not going to be okay.

Look, I'd be kind of down too if I grew an awkwardly placed third arm but on the bright side you could be dead like everyone else.


Kirk: What a wicked Tholian web we weave with our forbidden love.

Spock: It is highly illogical for me to feel this way, James.

"Jesus, Gary. I'm trying to sleep. I'm not interested in your stupid posts to that stupid cartoon contest."

You go to sleep and I'll immolate.

"Trick or treat."

"Now that I've stuck three fingers in you, I'm gonna roll you across the floor like a bowling ball."

"My goodness, Millicent, complying with your many recently enforced precautions has turned this into a most ungainly exercise. I know my unfortunate excess of last Whitsun's Eve was unforgivable, but I should have hoped my assiduous endeavors to atone for that regrettable mishap these past many-a-days would have by now ameliorated that most heinous sin. As the Almighty above is my witness, I swear I shall never, ever again, as long as I draw breath upon this earth, cause my odious ejaculate to flood the sacred vessel of your delicate throat."

Lamp on left: Are you turned on by this?
Lamp on right: No.

"Barbara are you awake... WHAT, YOU aren't BARBARA! Damn these Hazmat suits!"

The radiation event that killed off most of the Earth's population ended decades ago. But the memory of the time has twisted most people.

"I want to apologize for the dutch oven that started all this."

"We have to wear these suits if you insist on sleeping in bright light under an asbestos blanket."

"Come on, Marie, mon cherie, roll over and give Pierre a throw, won't you?"

"Not tonight, honey. I have multiple myeloma."

"Don't touch me."

"Did I ever tell you I was Meryl Streep's stunt double in 'Silkwood'"?

"Will you please consider birth control?"


You complete me.

"Baby, you put the 'ass' in 'astronaut.'

1. "I had the most horrible nightmare. We were both in bed, and we were naked."

2. "Turn me loose tonight; I'm radioactive."

3. "Please bear with me, honey. The doctor said my radioactive bedwetting should last only a few more weeks."

"Who's got the cutest little vaccuum-sealed pituty left on the planet? Who's got the cutest little vaccuum-sealed pituty left on the planet? Who's got the cutest little vaccuum-sealed pituty left on the planet? That's right: YOU do. YES you Do!"

"Damn these suits! I thought you said you were a gay hobbyist, not a paid lobbyist! Get out of the Straight-Talk Motel right now!!!!"

"...and you'll never believe my name. It's Ray D. O'Actiff. Hey, am I keeping you awake with my rambling?"

"Harold, I think I heard a noise downstairs. Can you go check it out?"

Did you remember to lock the front door?

"Blast you, don’t hog the sheet!"

"Wake up, honeybuns. I’m ready for my Flashdance fantasy!"

"I’ve got to hand it to you, babe. After 70 years, your farts are still as infernally hot as a blast furnace! And now I’m in the mood for hot anal sex!"

"Same recurring nightmare, honey. The voice telling me that 'Knock, Knock, Who's There?' joke again."

"Right ! And we'll call it "The Men in the Irony Masks" !"

"Bit of the old 'grill tease', hunh ?"

"Big mistake, this moon-honeymoon !"

"Yeah, yeah, you can talk about this new 'right stuff' all you want, but you know perfectly well what we both need about now is some that old 'right stiff' !"

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