January 28, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #132

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"It made me hot when you called me 'dirty whore' last night. But this is today, and I'd really prefer it if you just called me mom." —Shawn

"You can take off the helmet if you want, but the voices aren't going to stop until you've killed everybody on the list." —Joshua

"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD! You already have some!" —Harry

Honorable mention
"Alright, so what's this 'greatest invention ever' that you are so damn excited about?" —Dex

"Does this doctoral thesis in gender studies make me look fat?" —TGGibbon

"Put that away, Hagar. I'm having the procedure done by a doctor at the clinic, not by you at home."—JohnnyB

"I'm not judging you. When I married a barbarian who had time-travelled from the 8th century, I knew there'd be hilarious fish-out-of-water mishaps. I guess I just didn't count on all the rape." —Ed C

"Hagar's younger brother. 'Notso the Horrible'" —Johnny V

'There can be only one' what, honey? —Charles

"I want to de-Norse" —GilbertBob

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Are you done with the butter knife?"

Gee honey, you always get so nervous before these events. Just imagine the indiscriminately slaughtered in their underwear...

"You know, honey, sometimes it seems like just yesterday you raped me, killed my family, and burned my village to the ground."

"More coffee?"

Well, at least it's not a scimitar, so I guess you'll want some bacon with that.

"John, you fooled the whole world into believing you died in '82. Do you sometimes wonder if it was all worth it?"

Honey, please, just put it down. I was only with him that one time, I swear. I swear. Please don't hurt me.

"If you think that Viking hat's gonna protect you from the safe storm they're predicting for today, you're crazy."

"I still don't understand: Your whole DIVISION lost the $3 billion, not just you. So why do you have to take all the responsibility?"

"When you do that with your pinky sticking out, it makes it look kind of gay."

"Frank, you are sleep-pillaging again."

"This was fun, but if I don't get you back to the museum soon you'll turn into dust."

"Put that away, Hagar. I'm having the procedure done by a doctor at the clinic, not by you at home."

"Splitting the last piece of toast in half is hardly a 'Solomon-like' decision, David. By the way, where's the baby?"

"I hate when I get pillage on my robe. What? Did I say something wrong?"

"Ha. 'Boneless Chicken Ranch'. That Gary Larson sure can crack me up every time."

I keep telling you, the sword doesn't give an accurate picture of what you look like. If you just used mirror above the sink you'd see you need to shave.

“Can you taste any difference, Honey? I’ve been putting I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crushed Ox Testicles on your toast.”

"It's nice that they're letting you telecommute."

"Honey, it's because I love you that I will not let you leave the house in that ridiculous hat with rabbit ears on it."

“Work on your slice, Gudrik. There’s butter splatter all over the walls.”

"Don't forget we're having dinner with the Cheneys so don't stop to pillage anything on your way home tonight."

"Does this doctoral thesis in gender studies make me look fat?"

"I forgot to tell you, Dr Sternmutter called with your test results last night. Apparently you've been dead since 1227."

"Hey hon, want any coff... holy shit, there's a giant rabbit behind you!"

"Last night, when you said 'Homey, I'm Hun!', that was a good one."

"Darling, I love it when you do your 'Atilla the Hun-gry.'"

Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.

"What are you supposed to be, 'Samurai Swede'?"

"I swear, it's like you Dartmouth guys channel Belushi"

"I suppose the 'Viking Diet' might work, people can only eat so much lutefisk."

"Helge, get over here and put your hand on this piece of toast."

Good morning Frankie. You must've been having a bad dream again last night...you were mumbling "I'm gonna flurder that jabbering bunt if she doesn't just SHUT UP". Flurder? Bunt? What's a bunt - uh, you know, we're almost outta sugar again...

"Mohammad at Breakfast"

"So its stripes and checks - who cares?

"Yes, I believe Hogan did use the reverse overlap grip. Why?"

Helga: "You know girls mature faster than boys... How do you explain that?"

Hagar: "Hmmm... I'd say girls observe their mothers... and they can't wait to start nagging!"

(1) "Sweetie, you were up all night slaughtering the innocent again. You should really switch to decaf."

(2) "You're right, the blood of infidels does make the coffee taste just like Starbucks. What a great money-saving tip!"

"Too bad that's the only thing in this house that's long and hard."

"If I hear one more story about how you used to love playing Mumbly Peg as a kid, I swear, I'm gonna explode!"

It is your father's kilij. This is the weapon of a cartoon Asian marauder. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civlized time.

"I'm going to meet the girls later on and I'm thinking of picking up some more funny fridge magnets. Do you have any favorites in mind?"

"It's just depressing when you wake up one day and realize that the movie that best describes your life is Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure."

"Well, you can take off that silly costume now. Mr. Furley figured out we're lesbians."

Ok, but this is the last time. Khaaaaaaaaaan! Happy now?

No, it's not a ginsu. Yes, it has to be sharpened constantly. And, for crying out light, it's a poached egg.

You know, the party last night was fun, but I wish you'd stop referring to our courtship as "Mongol Whored".

for crying out loud - it's "for crying out loud".

“So, did the Vikings make the playoffs?”

"I think you should call your doctor. It's been way more than 4 hours now."

"Don't worry, honey. I'm sure that armor you've been waiting for will drop in this Wednesday's raid. In the meantime, those PJs are pretty cute."

"Hey, Genghis! I just noticed that if you change the 'h' in your name to an 'r', you can rearrange the letters to spell 'niggers'!"

"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD!"

I fucking HATE this motherfucking sandwich.

Fuck, we're out of cream.

Mom was right, I should have married Kubla.

"I don't care about the will of your War God, Stan, I'm not having sex with you until you take off that sword-condom."

"I'm not judging you. When I married a barbarian who had time-travelled from the 8th century, I knew there'd be hilarious fish-out-of-water mishaps. I guess I just didn't count on all the rape."

"To be honest, I probably wouldn't have slept with you if I had known you were jewish."

"What's in your wallet?"

"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD! You already have some!"

I get the feeling you've given up on your job search.

"I knowed you was crazy when I saw you settin' there. I knowed exactly what was in store for me."

"You can take off the helmet if you want, but the voices aren't going to stop until you've killed everybody on the list."

"Honey, don't forget to take out the garbage."

"Look who woke up on the wrong side of the obelisk!"

"This is what your New Years Resolution meant??? 'Turning over a new Leif?'"

Hagar's younger brother. 'Notso the Horrible'

"Before he came up with is final title, he was known as 'Hagar the Annoying'"

"... and this afternoon you need to pick up the kids from soccer practice... Hagar? HAGAR? Some mornings you can be Horrible at listening."

'...and you know waht else rhymes with Norse?!? Horse."

"No, Genghis... you know what the doctor said. You khan't have bacon and eggs."

"Would you like marmalade or blood with your toast, darling?"

"Don't cut yourself, Genghis. You know how much I hate the sight of blood."

"What do you mean, I'm toast?"

"Now I understand where all of the body parts in the hallway came from."

"Has anyone ever pointed out you can be a real Mr. Grumpy Pants in the morning?"

"Might as well put it back in your jammies, Hal. I don't do morning sex."

"You know, that striped shirt really clashes with the checked table cloth."

"I just think people might like you more if you just smiled sometimes...oh, and occasionally wiped your ass."

"You are ugly and you stink."

"Yeah, it works for him - but I ain't one of the "Flavor of Love" girls am I?"

"Now put down that sword, you know those are egg beaters! Honestly, the way you worry about your cholesterol."

Your farts are starting to smell like grandpa.

"I just think that "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing" is a bit of a mouthful, and how many shrubberies do we need anyway?"

I realize you like Nutella best because it rhymes with Attila, blah blah blah, but I'm sorry, that's just a bizarre way to choose your peanut spread. Besides, Peter Pan isn't a bad character to start emulating, right? Honey?

Your nose says you're a jew, but your ears say you're a bunny.

"You've been using my volumizer conditioner, haven't you?

"Look, I'm blanking on your name but I really should tell you my ad actually said 'hiking.' I'm into 'hiking.' You understand, right?"

"Oh, that's perfect. Mouse turds on the coffeemaker. Say, 'Barbarikon,' why don't you make yourself useful while I go to my *cough* job, and ferociously slaughter some of these goddamn mice?"

I don't care how famous you are, Serj Tankian; when you stay under my roof, you eat your breakfast.

I was just about to slaughter a peasant and this fucking Rod..what's his fucking name? places me in this strange room with this fucking complaining cunt. Fuck!

Hey sexy why not jux -ta-position your sweet ass right here.

Martha loved having pagan and eggs for breakfast.

Live by the sword...diet by the sword!

Hurry! Ravish me before my husband gets home!

No one likes to hear it but Dennis the Menace turned out to be a crack addict.

Maybe this isn't a good time, but I'm not sure the baby is yours.

You so horny! Me love you long time.

I love the gratuitous gore, but you may find the latest Rambo a little off-putting.

"I bet you hear this all the time but I always thought Hagar was a girl's name."

"At least you stopped wearing horizontal stripes."

"No, you don't look 'domesticated' in pajamas."

"I seriously doubt the toast is mocking you."

"You've been a little strange ever since we ate at the haunted Mongolian restaurant."

"Life with an until-recently-frozen man from the ancient past really isn't as wild and zany as the movies make it look."

"Wrath, you has-been? I'll show you wrath!!"

"Look mister, I don't like your tenor. Since when was breakfast an event of operatic proportions?"

"You want a breakfast of operatic proportions? Go braid your hair or something. Get out of my face."

"If you think it's butter, but it's not, then kill it with a sword."

"Time to pillage the doughnuts..."

/sorry, got nothing but jingles and commercial tag lines today

"Veni vidi toast-with-oleo-o-leevio!"

/and of course that:-)

"Decrusting the bread is a start, but a real mohel needs the skill to butterfly a crouton for a good bris."

Crawford should know better than to mix stripes and checks.

"The glowers here are obscene."

'There can be only one' what, honey?

Oh, by the way, my Mother is coming to live with us.

Your office called, Doctor, you have a prefrontal lobotomy at 1:20, a wart removal at 2:00, a circumcision at 3:00, and a genital reconstruction at 3:01.

Does this robe make me look fat?

You left the toilet seat up again!

"Oh, you leveled up in World of Warcraft last night? Like I fucking care. How about tonight, you try to get your level up in the bedroom for a change."

Honey, can you come take a look at these entrails? I can't tell whether to expect heavy rain or a brutal rape.

He: "Do you like vikings?"
She: "I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never viked!"

“What about 12 across, 7 letters ending in e-s-s-e, meaning artful delicacy of performance?”

Honey, it's not proper to wear a hat indoors.

Are you mad at me?

Hey, it says this coffee will turn you into a warrior.

All right, already, we can get the goddamn Viking stove. Now will you take a fucking bath and get a haircut already, asshole?


All right, all right, we can get the goddamn Viking stove. Now will you take a fucking bath and have your hair cut already, asshole?

"You know, in some cultures a little piece of poop on your helmet is considered lucky."

“ Oh, Ingvar, you’re such a cross sword puzzle.”

Preparing to put together our Ikea furniture, I see.

It made me hot when you called me "dirty whore" last night. But this is today, and I'd really prefer it if you just called me mom.

"Well, I think it's high time we had a woman President, don't you?"

[Anonymous: You should submit the dirty whore/mom one to the real contest.]

Hey, Viking! Have you noticed how much Gawker sucks lately?

[mypalmike: Thanks, I'll give it a go...and maybe even remember to enter my name in the process.]

"Listen, Matt, don't be upset about buying the costume. It was an easy mistake. When I told you I loved Norwegian Wood, I meant the song by The Beatles."

[Shawn: Well, I was kind of kidding. It's hilarious, but you'll have to tone it down a bit for the real one. ;)]

Honey, I feel the same way. But more importantly, how could such a fine magazine like the New Yorker ignore your amazing captions! Let's not fuck.

Sorry didn't want to remain anonymous.

Honey, I feel the same way. But more importantly, how could such a fine magazine like the New Yorker ignore your amazing captions! Let's not fuck.

"That's right, daddy, butter that toast ... oooh, oooh, spread it daddy, oh daddy."

"Those pajamas are so retro."

"Rudy, let's face it, the whole 911 A.D. theme was a mistake."

[mypalmike: It pales in comparison to some of the stuff I've submitted to the real one...need to give the editors to reject other than anything over 25 words]

"I understand that's all the witness-protection program would offer you. But if you just lose some mostly water weight, you'd always have a summer job as a scarecrow."

"This is why I love your going to yard sales."

"Don't be so grumpy - you can cut the crusts off of your own toast, I'm bringing the cream now, and the sugar bowl is on top of your head, again."

"So, did you hear about the opera singer who was decapitated last night?"

"I also can't believe it's not butter."

"Hagar, quite sulking, it's not the first Mohel job you lost because you were over qualified...."

" Dear, it's called "Antiques Roadshow", and I'm not taking no for an answer."

No no.. He's in the house right now. He's got a sword. Please hurry.... please.

"So- Day 2 of the 'Poseur Diet,' eh? This one really accentuates your semitic-ness."

"Come on- get to it! Fixing breakfast takes you longer than making a worthless acceptance speech, you pompous ass. You're wearing part of the ceiling fan as a hat and I'm the one going to rehab?"

"Yes, I'll put Tartar sauce on the shopping list - is there anything else we need?"

"How's your reception in that thing?

Shut up, bitch! I'm watching the game."

"Alright, so what's this 'greatest invention ever' that you are so damn excited about?"

"Oh, my brother Norm called to ask whether you'd be able to go up to the ice house to cut another human-shaped hole in the lake for him, or if you're too busy riding around town sticking severed limbs into snowmen. I told him you'd call him back."

Don't you think you were a little hard on the beaver last night?

"All I'm saying is that if you got a hat that didn't fit quite so tight, it wouldn't make your hair puff out like that."

"Um, I'd like my PB&J without hair and bone this time."

So anyway, Gladys and Cheech were there, and he described this great new routine where he's this whiny stoner kid who doesn't want to go to school, so he tells his dad he's got an earache. The bit needs a musical intro, so he wanted me to tell you that he's going to ask you, and could you start thinking about a riff.

Regardless of whether we qualify, I don't think *our* household needs the stimulus package.

Fuck Marcellus! Let's get the fuck outta here!

Yes, Simon's an insufferable prick, but don't take it out on our furniture.

Well, it depends on your imagination. You'd need to make up some bad-ass motherfuckers.

Remember when you said you'd die a happy man with me over your face? That was so sweet. Don't shave.

"Hurry! Don't let the short bus leave you behind. It's sorting day at Valhalla's 'Hall of the Slain'."

"C'mon, Mister Grumpyface, turn that frown upside-down."

"Are you going to finnish your eggs?"

"Keep your PJs on, Vlad, I'm bringing your Count Chocula."

"My family calls you my "crazy goy husband" but I call you my Gentile Giant! HAHAHAHAHA. Get it? GENTILE GIANT? By the way that's not butter that's smegma! Yeah, smegma! I collect it from under your foreskin every night after you pass out drunk. Talk about your BITTER HARVEST! HAHAHAHAHA. So you can stop muttering "I can't believe it's not smegma" 'cause it is! It IS smegma, you big lug! Now hurry up and eat so you can get in the shower and sing your usual medley of "My Way," "I Gotta Be Me" and "A Very Good Year" 'cause God knows I can't get enough of THAT shit."

"Look. Rudy's dropped out. You've just gotta get used to it."

Fork!! I don't need no forking fork!

"What do you mean by,It's a Teutonic Thing and I wouldn't understand it"?

"Damn Method Actors"!

"After you clean the moat I think I'd like to go to IKEA"!

"You've changed."

"I'm bringing your eggs and bacon to the table right now, Mr. Attila-the-Hungry."

"You better take your pajamas off if you want the role".

You just had to fall for that online spam offer for organic Cialis. Well Mr. Smartypants, you got the four hour erection you were hoping for, but who knew it would look like that? Promise me that you'll never do that again!

"Better get ready. Our flight to Punxsutawney leaves in three hours."

"Hon, I keep forgetting...Do we have any children?"

"Damn, I'm loving this Tang. I mean...this is the shit. Damn good shit."

Okay, I've signed the permission slip, but if you don't eat your breakfast, there'll be no pageant for you, mister.

"You put the 'hun' in hunger, Hunter. Which is nothing compared to what I will put into your country's economy if you'll let me set up brothels there."

"So what if you're gluten-free. A slice of bread won't kill you."

"Daniel, your father and I feel you're taking this 'Rapture Ready!' obsession too far."

"Honey, as much as I would like to say that it amazes me how, even after all these years, your bunny-sense tingled enough to let you know that a giant rabbit was sneaking up behind you, that is just your son wearing the rabbit costume he is going to don tonight for the school play. So put away the giant sword...you're setting a bad example."

"Attempting to quell your unrequited sexual aggression with buttered toast again? At least add a little marmalade, honey..."

"You're not leaving the house without some protein, mister. What'll it be: eggs, a protein shake, or the balls of your vanquished?"

"You want blood? Come talk to me in the middle of MY 'ring cycle'."

"....oh, I don't know...Why do YOU think we have no friends?"

"How's the toast, Mr Ass hat-ass-sword?"

"Put that hat away...your mother's coming."

"my moustache is getting a little long"

Very funny, wiseguy, but if you want a clean butterknife, I need a new dishwasher

Don't go cross-eyed ya dickless bastard.

That's a silly hat, sweetie.

"Ehh--what does that stupid shrink know. Eddie, have you seen your father?"

"Well, another day, another book to edit...huh sweetie?

"I just don't think Gilles de Rais jokes are funny in any context."

"Oh, by the way, I have a late meeting this afternoon. Can you pick Caitlin up after soccer practice?"

honey, how many times have i told you, not to pour the *entire* container of sugar into your coffee.

you know, you wouldn't be late for work so often if you didn't always take so long to eat your breakfast.

someday im going to get lasic done like you did honey---you are such a brave and strong type of person and im just not. it's just that, that laser beam in the eye just scares the bejesus out of me....*sigh*

you know, the johnsons are nice, but they are just so...out of touch. don't you agree honey?

i just wish you had told me earlier that you didnt want to have kids. you know, like before we got married.

"So the Giants won. No need to take it out on my breakfast, Tom."

"I said "Giants and under!, Giants and under!' but you went the Pats and over--you fucking barbarian!"

"I want to de-Norse"

I take it you haven't had that first cup of coffee yet, eh?

"Yeah, right, dyslexic ! Bread is thick AND butter."

"Nuh uh ! We were to 'break BREAD' with the Bush's for lunch. This here is breakFAST."

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