The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #132
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"It made me hot when you called me 'dirty whore' last night. But this is today, and I'd really prefer it if you just called me mom." —Shawn
Finalists
"You can take off the helmet if you want, but the voices aren't going to stop until you've killed everybody on the list." —Joshua
"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD! You already have some!" —Harry
Honorable mention
"Alright, so what's this 'greatest invention ever' that you are so damn excited about?" —Dex
"Does this doctoral thesis in gender studies make me look fat?" —TGGibbon
"Put that away, Hagar. I'm having the procedure done by a doctor at the clinic, not by you at home."—JohnnyB
"I'm not judging you. When I married a barbarian who had time-travelled from the 8th century, I knew there'd be hilarious fish-out-of-water mishaps. I guess I just didn't count on all the rape." —Ed C
"Hagar's younger brother. 'Notso the Horrible'" —Johnny V
'There can be only one' what, honey? —Charles
"I want to de-Norse" —GilbertBob
Comments
"Are you done with the butter knife?"
Posted by: Francis | January 28, 2008 9:49 AM
Gee honey, you always get so nervous before these events. Just imagine the indiscriminately slaughtered in their underwear...
Posted by: simsburybear | January 28, 2008 9:49 AM
"You know, honey, sometimes it seems like just yesterday you raped me, killed my family, and burned my village to the ground."
Posted by: Francis | January 28, 2008 9:50 AM
"More coffee?"
Posted by: Deborah | January 28, 2008 9:52 AM
Well, at least it's not a scimitar, so I guess you'll want some bacon with that.
Posted by: K | January 28, 2008 9:56 AM
"John, you fooled the whole world into believing you died in '82. Do you sometimes wonder if it was all worth it?"
Posted by: gary | January 28, 2008 10:00 AM
Honey, please, just put it down. I was only with him that one time, I swear. I swear. Please don't hurt me.
Posted by: Sam L | January 28, 2008 10:01 AM
"If you think that Viking hat's gonna protect you from the safe storm they're predicting for today, you're crazy."
Posted by: gary | January 28, 2008 10:02 AM
"I still don't understand: Your whole DIVISION lost the $3 billion, not just you. So why do you have to take all the responsibility?"
Posted by: gary | January 28, 2008 10:03 AM
"When you do that with your pinky sticking out, it makes it look kind of gay."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 28, 2008 10:07 AM
"Frank, you are sleep-pillaging again."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 28, 2008 10:08 AM
"This was fun, but if I don't get you back to the museum soon you'll turn into dust."
Posted by: Deborah | January 28, 2008 10:10 AM
"Put that away, Hagar. I'm having the procedure done by a doctor at the clinic, not by you at home."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 28, 2008 10:11 AM
"Splitting the last piece of toast in half is hardly a 'Solomon-like' decision, David. By the way, where's the baby?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 28, 2008 10:17 AM
"I hate when I get pillage on my robe. What? Did I say something wrong?"
Posted by: Mo Buck | January 28, 2008 10:21 AM
"Ha. 'Boneless Chicken Ranch'. That Gary Larson sure can crack me up every time."
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | January 28, 2008 10:49 AM
I keep telling you, the sword doesn't give an accurate picture of what you look like. If you just used mirror above the sink you'd see you need to shave.
Posted by: Brian L | January 28, 2008 10:49 AM
“Can you taste any difference, Honey? I’ve been putting I Can’t Believe It’s Not Crushed Ox Testicles on your toast.”
Posted by: dwilk | January 28, 2008 11:04 AM
"It's nice that they're letting you telecommute."
Posted by: Abe | January 28, 2008 11:08 AM
"Honey, it's because I love you that I will not let you leave the house in that ridiculous hat with rabbit ears on it."
Posted by: Vance | January 28, 2008 11:19 AM
“Work on your slice, Gudrik. There’s butter splatter all over the walls.”
Posted by: dwilk | January 28, 2008 11:28 AM
"Don't forget we're having dinner with the Cheneys so don't stop to pillage anything on your way home tonight."
"Does this doctoral thesis in gender studies make me look fat?"
"I forgot to tell you, Dr Sternmutter called with your test results last night. Apparently you've been dead since 1227."
Posted by: TGGibbon | January 28, 2008 11:34 AM
"Hey hon, want any coff... holy shit, there's a giant rabbit behind you!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | January 28, 2008 11:35 AM
"Last night, when you said 'Homey, I'm Hun!', that was a good one."
Posted by: Tim H | January 28, 2008 11:44 AM
"Darling, I love it when you do your 'Atilla the Hun-gry.'"
Posted by: jim M | January 28, 2008 11:46 AM
Ward, I think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night.
Posted by: kejo | January 28, 2008 12:06 PM
"What are you supposed to be, 'Samurai Swede'?"
"I swear, it's like you Dartmouth guys channel Belushi"
"I suppose the 'Viking Diet' might work, people can only eat so much lutefisk."
Posted by: C@LMike | January 28, 2008 12:17 PM
"Helge, get over here and put your hand on this piece of toast."
Posted by: jim M | January 28, 2008 12:25 PM
Good morning Frankie. You must've been having a bad dream again last night...you were mumbling "I'm gonna flurder that jabbering bunt if she doesn't just SHUT UP". Flurder? Bunt? What's a bunt - uh, you know, we're almost outta sugar again...
Posted by: tlazar | January 28, 2008 12:56 PM
"Mohammad at Breakfast"
Posted by: John Tabin | January 28, 2008 1:11 PM
"So its stripes and checks - who cares?
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 28, 2008 1:15 PM
"Yes, I believe Hogan did use the reverse overlap grip. Why?"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 28, 2008 1:17 PM
Helga: "You know girls mature faster than boys... How do you explain that?"
Hagar: "Hmmm... I'd say girls observe their mothers... and they can't wait to start nagging!"
Posted by: John Tabin | January 28, 2008 1:22 PM
(1) "Sweetie, you were up all night slaughtering the innocent again. You should really switch to decaf."
(2) "You're right, the blood of infidels does make the coffee taste just like Starbucks. What a great money-saving tip!"
Posted by: Jacob C | January 28, 2008 1:23 PM
"Too bad that's the only thing in this house that's long and hard."
Posted by: J.D. | January 28, 2008 1:38 PM
"If I hear one more story about how you used to love playing Mumbly Peg as a kid, I swear, I'm gonna explode!"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 28, 2008 1:48 PM
It is your father's kilij. This is the weapon of a cartoon Asian marauder. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civlized time.
Posted by: Walt | January 28, 2008 1:50 PM
"I'm going to meet the girls later on and I'm thinking of picking up some more funny fridge magnets. Do you have any favorites in mind?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 28, 2008 1:51 PM
"It's just depressing when you wake up one day and realize that the movie that best describes your life is Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure."
Posted by: Ed C | January 28, 2008 1:58 PM
"Well, you can take off that silly costume now. Mr. Furley figured out we're lesbians."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 28, 2008 2:10 PM
Ok, but this is the last time. Khaaaaaaaaaan! Happy now?
Posted by: therblig | January 28, 2008 2:20 PM
No, it's not a ginsu. Yes, it has to be sharpened constantly. And, for crying out light, it's a poached egg.
You know, the party last night was fun, but I wish you'd stop referring to our courtship as "Mongol Whored".
Posted by: therblig | January 28, 2008 2:28 PM
for crying out loud - it's "for crying out loud".
Posted by: therblig | January 28, 2008 2:28 PM
“So, did the Vikings make the playoffs?”
Posted by: dwilk | January 28, 2008 2:31 PM
"I think you should call your doctor. It's been way more than 4 hours now."
Posted by: andeux | January 28, 2008 2:39 PM
"Don't worry, honey. I'm sure that armor you've been waiting for will drop in this Wednesday's raid. In the meantime, those PJs are pretty cute."
"Hey, Genghis! I just noticed that if you change the 'h' in your name to an 'r', you can rearrange the letters to spell 'niggers'!"
Posted by: Rubrick | January 28, 2008 3:10 PM
"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD!"
Posted by: Harry | January 28, 2008 3:19 PM
I fucking HATE this motherfucking sandwich.
Posted by: Jessica | January 28, 2008 4:19 PM
Fuck, we're out of cream.
Posted by: Drew M | January 28, 2008 5:06 PM
Mom was right, I should have married Kubla.
Posted by: therblig | January 28, 2008 5:10 PM
"I don't care about the will of your War God, Stan, I'm not having sex with you until you take off that sword-condom."
Posted by: Ed C | January 28, 2008 5:32 PM
"I'm not judging you. When I married a barbarian who had time-travelled from the 8th century, I knew there'd be hilarious fish-out-of-water mishaps. I guess I just didn't count on all the rape."
Posted by: Ed C | January 28, 2008 5:47 PM
"To be honest, I probably wouldn't have slept with you if I had known you were jewish."
"What's in your wallet?"
"Honey, would you like some coff— OH MY GOD! You already have some!"
Posted by: Harry | January 28, 2008 5:49 PM
I get the feeling you've given up on your job search.
Posted by: steven | January 28, 2008 5:49 PM
"I knowed you was crazy when I saw you settin' there. I knowed exactly what was in store for me."
Posted by: Francis | January 28, 2008 6:06 PM
"You can take off the helmet if you want, but the voices aren't going to stop until you've killed everybody on the list."
Posted by: Joshua | January 28, 2008 6:28 PM
"Honey, don't forget to take out the garbage."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 28, 2008 6:31 PM
"Look who woke up on the wrong side of the obelisk!"
"This is what your New Years Resolution meant??? 'Turning over a new Leif?'"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 28, 2008 6:37 PM
Hagar's younger brother. 'Notso the Horrible'
"Before he came up with is final title, he was known as 'Hagar the Annoying'"
"... and this afternoon you need to pick up the kids from soccer practice... Hagar? HAGAR? Some mornings you can be Horrible at listening."
'...and you know waht else rhymes with Norse?!? Horse."
Posted by: Johnny V | January 28, 2008 6:43 PM
"No, Genghis... you know what the doctor said. You khan't have bacon and eggs."
Posted by: Dave | January 28, 2008 8:46 PM
"Would you like marmalade or blood with your toast, darling?"
Posted by: Dave | January 28, 2008 8:49 PM
"Don't cut yourself, Genghis. You know how much I hate the sight of blood."
Posted by: Dave | January 28, 2008 8:51 PM
"What do you mean, I'm toast?"
Posted by: Dave | January 28, 2008 8:58 PM
"Now I understand where all of the body parts in the hallway came from."
Posted by: Keithy G | January 28, 2008 9:05 PM
"Has anyone ever pointed out you can be a real Mr. Grumpy Pants in the morning?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 28, 2008 9:16 PM
"Might as well put it back in your jammies, Hal. I don't do morning sex."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 28, 2008 9:18 PM
"You know, that striped shirt really clashes with the checked table cloth."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 28, 2008 9:21 PM
"I just think people might like you more if you just smiled sometimes...oh, and occasionally wiped your ass."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 28, 2008 9:24 PM
"You are ugly and you stink."
Posted by: Chris | January 28, 2008 9:26 PM
"Yeah, it works for him - but I ain't one of the "Flavor of Love" girls am I?"
Posted by: earlg | January 28, 2008 9:35 PM
"Now put down that sword, you know those are egg beaters! Honestly, the way you worry about your cholesterol."
Posted by: earlg | January 28, 2008 10:04 PM
Your farts are starting to smell like grandpa.
Posted by: LK | January 28, 2008 10:35 PM
"I just think that "Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Zoo Boing" is a bit of a mouthful, and how many shrubberies do we need anyway?"
Posted by: David | January 28, 2008 10:45 PM
I realize you like Nutella best because it rhymes with Attila, blah blah blah, but I'm sorry, that's just a bizarre way to choose your peanut spread. Besides, Peter Pan isn't a bad character to start emulating, right? Honey?
Posted by: Marcie | January 28, 2008 11:58 PM
Your nose says you're a jew, but your ears say you're a bunny.
Posted by: Melissa | January 29, 2008 12:03 AM
"You've been using my volumizer conditioner, haven't you?
Posted by: Richard | January 29, 2008 12:15 AM
"Look, I'm blanking on your name but I really should tell you my ad actually said 'hiking.' I'm into 'hiking.' You understand, right?"
Posted by: al in la | January 29, 2008 12:36 AM
"Oh, that's perfect. Mouse turds on the coffeemaker. Say, 'Barbarikon,' why don't you make yourself useful while I go to my *cough* job, and ferociously slaughter some of these goddamn mice?"
Posted by: Vance | January 29, 2008 1:08 AM
I don't care how famous you are, Serj Tankian; when you stay under my roof, you eat your breakfast.
Posted by: Brian L | January 29, 2008 1:13 AM
I was just about to slaughter a peasant and this fucking Rod..what's his fucking name? places me in this strange room with this fucking complaining cunt. Fuck!
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 29, 2008 1:51 AM
Hey sexy why not jux -ta-position your sweet ass right here.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 29, 2008 2:06 AM
Martha loved having pagan and eggs for breakfast.
Posted by: David W | January 29, 2008 2:35 AM
Live by the sword...diet by the sword!
Posted by: David W | January 29, 2008 2:42 AM
Hurry! Ravish me before my husband gets home!
Posted by: David W | January 29, 2008 3:02 AM
No one likes to hear it but Dennis the Menace turned out to be a crack addict.
Posted by: David W | January 29, 2008 3:25 AM
Maybe this isn't a good time, but I'm not sure the baby is yours.
You so horny! Me love you long time.
I love the gratuitous gore, but you may find the latest Rambo a little off-putting.
Posted by: Amy | January 29, 2008 7:45 AM
"I bet you hear this all the time but I always thought Hagar was a girl's name."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 29, 2008 8:58 AM
"At least you stopped wearing horizontal stripes."
Posted by: Tiberius | January 29, 2008 9:52 AM
"No, you don't look 'domesticated' in pajamas."
"I seriously doubt the toast is mocking you."
"You've been a little strange ever since we ate at the haunted Mongolian restaurant."
"Life with an until-recently-frozen man from the ancient past really isn't as wild and zany as the movies make it look."
Posted by: MAtt | January 29, 2008 10:46 AM
"Wrath, you has-been? I'll show you wrath!!"
Posted by: jim M | January 29, 2008 11:15 AM
"Look mister, I don't like your tenor. Since when was breakfast an event of operatic proportions?"
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 29, 2008 11:46 AM
"You want a breakfast of operatic proportions? Go braid your hair or something. Get out of my face."
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 29, 2008 11:58 AM
"If you think it's butter, but it's not, then kill it with a sword."
Posted by: Chris | January 29, 2008 12:01 PM
"Time to pillage the doughnuts..."
/sorry, got nothing but jingles and commercial tag lines today
Posted by: Chris | January 29, 2008 12:03 PM
"Veni vidi toast-with-oleo-o-leevio!"
/and of course that:-)
Posted by: Chris | January 29, 2008 12:04 PM
"Decrusting the bread is a start, but a real mohel needs the skill to butterfly a crouton for a good bris."
Posted by: LV | January 29, 2008 12:22 PM
Crawford should know better than to mix stripes and checks.
Posted by: Jim M | January 29, 2008 12:52 PM
"The glowers here are obscene."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 29, 2008 1:05 PM
"Honey, how are you fixed for blades?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 29, 2008 1:13 PM
'There can be only one' what, honey?
Posted by: Charles | January 29, 2008 1:33 PM
Oh, by the way, my Mother is coming to live with us.
Posted by: Richard Davidson | January 29, 2008 2:45 PM
Your office called, Doctor, you have a prefrontal lobotomy at 1:20, a wart removal at 2:00, a circumcision at 3:00, and a genital reconstruction at 3:01.
Posted by: Richard Davidson | January 29, 2008 3:08 PM
Does this robe make me look fat?
Posted by: Richard Davidson | January 29, 2008 3:14 PM
You left the toilet seat up again!
Posted by: Richard Davidson | January 29, 2008 3:17 PM
"Oh, you leveled up in World of Warcraft last night? Like I fucking care. How about tonight, you try to get your level up in the bedroom for a change."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 29, 2008 3:26 PM
Honey, can you come take a look at these entrails? I can't tell whether to expect heavy rain or a brutal rape.
Posted by: Ernest | January 29, 2008 5:30 PM
He: "Do you like vikings?"
She: "I don't know, you naughty boy, I've never viked!"
Posted by: kejo | January 29, 2008 5:33 PM
“What about 12 across, 7 letters ending in e-s-s-e, meaning artful delicacy of performance?”
Posted by: dwilk | January 29, 2008 7:47 PM
Honey, it's not proper to wear a hat indoors.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | January 29, 2008 7:55 PM
Are you mad at me?
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | January 29, 2008 7:56 PM
Hey, it says this coffee will turn you into a warrior.
Posted by: Laurie Swenson | January 29, 2008 7:57 PM
All right, already, we can get the goddamn Viking stove. Now will you take a fucking bath and get a haircut already, asshole?
Posted by: Tom | January 29, 2008 8:01 PM
Correction:
All right, all right, we can get the goddamn Viking stove. Now will you take a fucking bath and have your hair cut already, asshole?
Posted by: Tom | January 29, 2008 8:03 PM
"You know, in some cultures a little piece of poop on your helmet is considered lucky."
Posted by: Brian L | January 29, 2008 8:32 PM
“ Oh, Ingvar, you’re such a cross sword puzzle.”
Posted by: dwilk | January 29, 2008 8:59 PM
Preparing to put together our Ikea furniture, I see.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 29, 2008 10:28 PM
It made me hot when you called me "dirty whore" last night. But this is today, and I'd really prefer it if you just called me mom.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 29, 2008 10:43 PM
"Well, I think it's high time we had a woman President, don't you?"
Posted by: Richard | January 29, 2008 11:10 PM
[Anonymous: You should submit the dirty whore/mom one to the real contest.]
Posted by: mypalmike | January 29, 2008 11:19 PM
Hey, Viking! Have you noticed how much Gawker sucks lately?
Posted by: horsewithnoname | January 30, 2008 12:53 AM
[mypalmike: Thanks, I'll give it a go...and maybe even remember to enter my name in the process.]
Posted by: Shawn | January 30, 2008 1:22 AM
"Listen, Matt, don't be upset about buying the costume. It was an easy mistake. When I told you I loved Norwegian Wood, I meant the song by The Beatles."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 30, 2008 1:33 AM
[Shawn: Well, I was kind of kidding. It's hilarious, but you'll have to tone it down a bit for the real one. ;)]
Posted by: mypalmike | January 30, 2008 1:52 AM
Honey, I feel the same way. But more importantly, how could such a fine magazine like the New Yorker ignore your amazing captions! Let's not fuck.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 30, 2008 2:27 AM
Sorry didn't want to remain anonymous.
Honey, I feel the same way. But more importantly, how could such a fine magazine like the New Yorker ignore your amazing captions! Let's not fuck.
Posted by: Gary Goldsmith | January 30, 2008 2:30 AM
"That's right, daddy, butter that toast ... oooh, oooh, spread it daddy, oh daddy."
Posted by: Ernest | January 30, 2008 2:41 AM
"Those pajamas are so retro."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 30, 2008 8:41 AM
"Rudy, let's face it, the whole 911 A.D. theme was a mistake."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 30, 2008 8:48 AM
[mypalmike: It pales in comparison to some of the stuff I've submitted to the real one...need to give the editors to reject other than anything over 25 words]
Posted by: Shawn | January 30, 2008 9:45 AM
"I understand that's all the witness-protection program would offer you. But if you just lose some mostly water weight, you'd always have a summer job as a scarecrow."
Posted by: LV | January 30, 2008 11:11 AM
"This is why I love your going to yard sales."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 30, 2008 12:57 PM
"Don't be so grumpy - you can cut the crusts off of your own toast, I'm bringing the cream now, and the sugar bowl is on top of your head, again."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 30, 2008 1:01 PM
"So, did you hear about the opera singer who was decapitated last night?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 30, 2008 1:05 PM
"I also can't believe it's not butter."
Posted by: LOD | January 30, 2008 3:01 PM
"Hagar, quite sulking, it's not the first Mohel job you lost because you were over qualified...."
Posted by: Blonde | January 30, 2008 3:37 PM
" Dear, it's called "Antiques Roadshow", and I'm not taking no for an answer."
Posted by: Greg | January 30, 2008 4:35 PM
No no.. He's in the house right now. He's got a sword. Please hurry.... please.
Posted by: emilymil | January 30, 2008 5:03 PM
"So- Day 2 of the 'Poseur Diet,' eh? This one really accentuates your semitic-ness."
Posted by: Michael in LA | January 30, 2008 5:07 PM
"Come on- get to it! Fixing breakfast takes you longer than making a worthless acceptance speech, you pompous ass. You're wearing part of the ceiling fan as a hat and I'm the one going to rehab?"
Posted by: LV | January 30, 2008 6:41 PM
"Yes, I'll put Tartar sauce on the shopping list - is there anything else we need?"
Posted by: RichM | January 30, 2008 9:53 PM
"How's your reception in that thing?
Shut up, bitch! I'm watching the game."
Posted by: Brian L | January 30, 2008 9:59 PM
"Alright, so what's this 'greatest invention ever' that you are so damn excited about?"
Posted by: Dex | January 30, 2008 10:20 PM
"Oh, my brother Norm called to ask whether you'd be able to go up to the ice house to cut another human-shaped hole in the lake for him, or if you're too busy riding around town sticking severed limbs into snowmen. I told him you'd call him back."
Posted by: RichM | January 30, 2008 10:23 PM
Don't you think you were a little hard on the beaver last night?
Posted by: Joe | January 30, 2008 10:56 PM
"All I'm saying is that if you got a hat that didn't fit quite so tight, it wouldn't make your hair puff out like that."
Posted by: Richard | January 30, 2008 11:27 PM
"Um, I'd like my PB&J without hair and bone this time."
Posted by: David John | January 31, 2008 2:38 AM
So anyway, Gladys and Cheech were there, and he described this great new routine where he's this whiny stoner kid who doesn't want to go to school, so he tells his dad he's got an earache. The bit needs a musical intro, so he wanted me to tell you that he's going to ask you, and could you start thinking about a riff.
Regardless of whether we qualify, I don't think *our* household needs the stimulus package.
Fuck Marcellus! Let's get the fuck outta here!
Yes, Simon's an insufferable prick, but don't take it out on our furniture.
Well, it depends on your imagination. You'd need to make up some bad-ass motherfuckers.
Remember when you said you'd die a happy man with me over your face? That was so sweet. Don't shave.
Posted by: B'nai tha K | January 31, 2008 9:22 AM
"Hurry! Don't let the short bus leave you behind. It's sorting day at Valhalla's 'Hall of the Slain'."
Posted by: Piers punt sot | January 31, 2008 10:38 AM
"C'mon, Mister Grumpyface, turn that frown upside-down."
Posted by: Tim H | January 31, 2008 11:06 AM
"Are you going to finnish your eggs?"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 31, 2008 11:19 AM
"Keep your PJs on, Vlad, I'm bringing your Count Chocula."
Posted by: jim M | January 31, 2008 11:50 AM
"My family calls you my "crazy goy husband" but I call you my Gentile Giant! HAHAHAHAHA. Get it? GENTILE GIANT? By the way that's not butter that's smegma! Yeah, smegma! I collect it from under your foreskin every night after you pass out drunk. Talk about your BITTER HARVEST! HAHAHAHAHA. So you can stop muttering "I can't believe it's not smegma" 'cause it is! It IS smegma, you big lug! Now hurry up and eat so you can get in the shower and sing your usual medley of "My Way," "I Gotta Be Me" and "A Very Good Year" 'cause God knows I can't get enough of THAT shit."
Posted by: J.D. | January 31, 2008 12:42 PM
"Look. Rudy's dropped out. You've just gotta get used to it."
Posted by: Tim H | January 31, 2008 4:28 PM
Fork!! I don't need no forking fork!
Posted by: Fred M | January 31, 2008 7:36 PM
"What do you mean by,It's a Teutonic Thing and I wouldn't understand it"?
Posted by: cookies boy | February 1, 2008 1:42 AM
"Damn Method Actors"!
Posted by: cookies boy | February 1, 2008 1:45 AM
"After you clean the moat I think I'd like to go to IKEA"!
Posted by: cookies boy | February 1, 2008 1:48 AM
"You've changed."
Posted by: David John | February 1, 2008 6:19 AM
"I'm bringing your eggs and bacon to the table right now, Mr. Attila-the-Hungry."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | February 1, 2008 6:20 AM
"You better take your pajamas off if you want the role".
Posted by: K | February 1, 2008 6:40 AM
You just had to fall for that online spam offer for organic Cialis. Well Mr. Smartypants, you got the four hour erection you were hoping for, but who knew it would look like that? Promise me that you'll never do that again!
Posted by: Fred M | February 1, 2008 10:37 AM
"Better get ready. Our flight to Punxsutawney leaves in three hours."
Posted by: Kathy H | February 1, 2008 1:15 PM
"Hon, I keep forgetting...Do we have any children?"
Posted by: Kathy H | February 1, 2008 1:17 PM
"Damn, I'm loving this Tang. I mean...this is the shit. Damn good shit."
Posted by: Andrew | February 1, 2008 3:12 PM
Okay, I've signed the permission slip, but if you don't eat your breakfast, there'll be no pageant for you, mister.
Posted by: Chrisco | February 1, 2008 4:59 PM
"You put the 'hun' in hunger, Hunter. Which is nothing compared to what I will put into your country's economy if you'll let me set up brothels there."
"So what if you're gluten-free. A slice of bread won't kill you."
Posted by: David F | February 1, 2008 9:51 PM
"Daniel, your father and I feel you're taking this 'Rapture Ready!' obsession too far."
Posted by: Ernest | February 2, 2008 12:59 AM
"Honey, as much as I would like to say that it amazes me how, even after all these years, your bunny-sense tingled enough to let you know that a giant rabbit was sneaking up behind you, that is just your son wearing the rabbit costume he is going to don tonight for the school play. So put away the giant sword...you're setting a bad example."
Posted by: Jordan L | February 2, 2008 6:10 AM
"Attempting to quell your unrequited sexual aggression with buttered toast again? At least add a little marmalade, honey..."
"You're not leaving the house without some protein, mister. What'll it be: eggs, a protein shake, or the balls of your vanquished?"
Posted by: Michael in LA | February 2, 2008 12:30 PM
"You want blood? Come talk to me in the middle of MY 'ring cycle'."
Posted by: Kosmicki | February 2, 2008 1:48 PM
"....oh, I don't know...Why do YOU think we have no friends?"
Posted by: Greg | February 2, 2008 4:51 PM
"How's the toast, Mr Ass hat-ass-sword?"
Posted by: Greg | February 2, 2008 4:53 PM
"Put that hat away...your mother's coming."
Posted by: Greg | February 2, 2008 4:56 PM
"my moustache is getting a little long"
Posted by: YVB | February 2, 2008 8:10 PM
Very funny, wiseguy, but if you want a clean butterknife, I need a new dishwasher
Posted by: Jeb | February 2, 2008 11:25 PM
Don't go cross-eyed ya dickless bastard.
Posted by: Jeb | February 2, 2008 11:27 PM
That's a silly hat, sweetie.
Posted by: Jeb | February 2, 2008 11:29 PM
"Ehh--what does that stupid shrink know. Eddie, have you seen your father?"
Posted by: earlg | February 3, 2008 12:27 AM
"Well, another day, another book to edit...huh sweetie?
Posted by: al in la | February 3, 2008 2:06 AM
"I just don't think Gilles de Rais jokes are funny in any context."
Posted by: J.D. | February 3, 2008 10:02 AM
"Oh, by the way, I have a late meeting this afternoon. Can you pick Caitlin up after soccer practice?"
Posted by: Joshua | February 3, 2008 11:02 AM
honey, how many times have i told you, not to pour the *entire* container of sugar into your coffee.
Posted by: jane | February 3, 2008 8:52 PM
you know, you wouldn't be late for work so often if you didn't always take so long to eat your breakfast.
Posted by: jane | February 3, 2008 8:55 PM
someday im going to get lasic done like you did honey---you are such a brave and strong type of person and im just not. it's just that, that laser beam in the eye just scares the bejesus out of me....*sigh*
Posted by: jane | February 3, 2008 9:00 PM
you know, the johnsons are nice, but they are just so...out of touch. don't you agree honey?
Posted by: jane | February 3, 2008 9:04 PM
i just wish you had told me earlier that you didnt want to have kids. you know, like before we got married.
Posted by: jane | February 3, 2008 9:06 PM
"So the Giants won. No need to take it out on my breakfast, Tom."
Posted by: David F | February 3, 2008 10:42 PM
"I said "Giants and under!, Giants and under!' but you went the Pats and over--you fucking barbarian!"
Posted by: al (celebrating) in la | February 4, 2008 1:05 AM
"I want to de-Norse"
Posted by: GilbertBob | February 4, 2008 2:57 AM
I take it you haven't had that first cup of coffee yet, eh?
Posted by: Marc Seger | February 4, 2008 1:33 PM
"Yeah, right, dyslexic ! Bread is thick AND butter."
Posted by: Sam L. | February 9, 2008 1:42 PM
"Nuh uh ! We were to 'break BREAD' with the Bush's for lunch. This here is breakFAST."
Posted by: Sam L. | February 9, 2008 1:56 PM