January 21, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #131

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

Update: I forgot to remind you that the winner of this week's contest will receive a signed copy of The Bush Tragedy by Jacob Weisberg.


"I bet this is killing a tremendous number of people." —Dan McCoy

"So much for my career as a safe salesman." —Ned

"This is just God's way of saying he has too many safes." —Francis

Honorable mention
"I have long argued that Ben Bernanke's efforts to encourage spending in the midst of a recession might have dangerous repercussions upon the nation, but I did not anticipate that it would so suddenly kill our only son."—dean @ t.a.m.s.y.

"I take back what I said about the pillow-top car." —Charles

"It's raining men! Men trapped in safes! Suffocating! ... Hallelujia!" —Ernest

(thinks to self) Sigh. Why can't it ever be raining men, like in that song? "Oh, uh, hello Doris. Just thinking some perfectly heterosexual thoughts here at the window. Hallelujah." —kejo

"Ahh the irony of a dangerous safe." —Amy

"Looks like go-kart Mozart got his answer." —Rubrick

"Two things haunted Edward's troubled mind: apocalyptic visions of a collapsing economy, and the legless ghost of his dead sister." —mypalmike

"In Soviet Russia, safe cracks YOU! ...Oh shit, it's actually happening here!" —Jacob C

"It's not the heat, it's the humidity. And the safes." — therblig

"God help us if his book ever gets a plug from Oprah. It'll take him a month to pick the fucking winner." —Anonymous

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I think it's finally "safe" to go outside. Hyuk hyuk!

(thinks to self) Sigh. Why can't it ever be raining men, like in that song? "Oh, uh, hello Doris. Just thinking some perfectly heterosexual thoughts here at the window. Hallelujah."

Well, we prayed to be showered with money. I guess we should have specified that it not be locked away in safes to which we don't have the combination. Curse you, God! Next time, we're prayin' to Satan!

“Overstock.com is offering free shipping this month.”

I take back what I said about the pillow-top car.

"You'll need an umbrella - it's starting to safe."

"Honey, I think we just found our hedge against the coming recession."

"Dang, that Al Roker was right!"

"Looks like the terrorists have blown up Fort Knox. Let's stay inside and wait for the telethon to come on."

"This is the worst homage to 'Magnolia' EVER."

"You know what this makes me nostalgic for? Acid rain."

"Sure, it's horrifying, but in a way it's totally consistent with the rest of 'The Bush Tragedy.'"

"C'mon, honey, let's have some safe sex!"

It’s the whole reason I bought a Dodge!”

"I did not see this coming."


"Well, if that don't just beat all."

"See? Even though it's 500 pounds of iron traveling at 50 mph, it just bounces off the roof. Now aren't you glad we got a Safe House?"

"at least it's not pianos or black triangular 10,000 lb weights."

"No, you said 'I'll clean out the gutters on Monday no matter what. Those were your exact words. Get out there."

I guess I don't mind living down the road from the Cheney's...most of the time

Well, it's not on your wedding day, but "safes" raining down, Alanis, is irony.

No, seriously, we shouldn't stand by the window and we should call 911.

I warned you about buying into a neighborhood called "Safe Harbor".

If my movie career wasn't floundering, I swear I would never do another of these ludicrous Stepen King movies.

"Is it 'safes' outside? Or 'saves'?"

"Jesus! Safes!"

"Sure, with inflation pennies from heaven wouldn't really get you much. Still, I can't help but think it would cause fewer horrible deaths. It's like the church fete scene in 'Hot Fuzz' around here."

"I told you we should have bombed those bastards in ACMEstan when we had the chance. Oh well, which way's Mecca?"

"This could only result in massive inflation."

"...adapter boxes for digital TV."

"When I told you to say the safe word last week, I meant the one regarding our sexual play, not the one that summons up a potentially lethal storm of iron."

"Two questions: How many of those second-hand Air Force safes did you order? And with all the money you 'saved' why didn't you at least pay for regular shipping?"

"Do you remember when we were younger? We thought it was so much fun to go out and run around outside every time it rained safes."

"Every time a safe falls, a Citigroup angel gets his wings clipped."

"Worst - economic - stimulous - package - EVER."

"Damn Bernacke."

"I bet this is killing a tremendous number of people."

"My word! I'd hate to be caught outside on a day like this!"

“This is only drizzle, Norma. The banks are next.”

[Man thinking to self] I wish I could think of a clever pun related to these large lockboxes.

How positively Fortean!

"I've heard of falling liquidity but this is dangerous!"

An early June storm
Brings a shower of safes
Smashing house and car
Curse you and your freaking haiku! We're going to die!

"For the first time since you lost your sight and got that huge insurance check, I feel you're ready to take a walk around the yard."

"Polly want a safe cracker?"

Two things haunted Edward's troubled mind: apocalyptic visions of a collapsing economy, and the legless ghost of his dead sister.

"I'm glad they finally made a sequel to that great film SAFE AT HOME."

With inflation what it's been, 'pennies from heaven' just isn't good enough anymore.

"Some say the world will end in fire;
"Some say in ice.
"From what I've seen of human greed,
"I think the world will end indeed
"With all the life-forms being smashed
"By falling safes chock-full of cash."

"Philosophers say in an infinite, eternal universe, all possible outcomes, no matter how unlikely, eventually come to pass, if one waits long enough. But now I recall this very thing happening a couple of months ago, so maybe it's not so remarkable after all."

"So I guess Mike Bloomberg decided to run for President."

"That Pharaoh sure is an asshole."

I hope the combos are next.

"You know, D. B. Cooper's kids don't have his flair."

"SHIT!... I mean it and I don't appologize...SHIT!"

"Oh... It's just the car alarm!"

"MAN... That's a lot of falling safes!"

"Have you seen the dog?"

"You know this reminds me of the big storm back in '68 when it was raining washing machines. Now, THAT was a STORM!!!"

"That counted as one wish, right?!"

"You know what would be cool?! If a Looney Toons character was to suddenly walk out from one of those safes... You know, with little tweeting birds or stars circling his head?! THAT would be cool."

Oh my God!!! Billy!!! He was walking on the lawn and then.... Nooooo!!!! Megan!!! In the car!!! Crushed!!! Oh good LORD!!! A squirrel, on the roof!!!

"I've heard of this program. Each one has a child's wish written on the inside."

"Okay! Okay! I DO believe in Jesus! Sheesh."

"Actually, any size safe could be a 'man-sized' safe, depending on the size of the man and how hard you're willing to cram him in there. Ferinstance, each of these, contains a Mexican. Long story."

Ahh the irony of a dangerous safe.

I wondered why it was called a "Blottery" ticket.

SHH!!! Did you just hear that?

Hmmm, sounds like people jumping from the towers, doesn't it?

"You know what they say in a soft economy: It's a hard...it's a hard...it's a hard...it's a hard...it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall."

I don't understand. I filled those safes with helium.

"Well, the homosexuals and abortionists have really done it to us this time."

It's raining Schrödinger's cats and Joshu's dogs.

"Looks like Brinks isn't quite as sharp when it comes to their planes...heh, heh."

"The ROIs here are obscene."

“I thought I told you to pull the car into the living room.”

"Isn't it great of Japan to send aid via air drops?"

"What's the combination, Kenneth?"

"I have long argued that Ben Bernanke's efforts to encourage spending in the midst of a recession might have dangerous repercussions upon the nation, but I did not anticipate that it would so suddenly kill our only son."

"Jeweyest Jewish conspiracy ever."

"Yayyyy! Safes! Yayyyyy!"


"More fallout from the sub-prime collapse."

"The lottery provides $100,000 a year for life -- the devils in the details"

NASA's release that they've made the Shuttle fail-safe is embargoed 'til when?

"Honey, go get the Farmer's Almanac. There's something I want to look up."

"I've just thought of the perfect ending for my novel."

Did you see the creepy snowman that was here last week?

"I hate it when they forget the parachutes."

Please submit that to the New Yorker too, lawrence ... they'll pee their pants running it.

"Christ! What an assortment of flying Houdinis!"

Quick, run out and see if they are locked and if there is money in them.

This "Amazing Fear Factor Race: Who Wants a Deal or No Deal to be a Big Brother Millionaire Survivor?" is never going to catch on. But I bet the money's in the one on our car. Go run out and check.

"Damn the cost of parachutes!"

And God said: "I know I've been lax about this in the past, but things have gotten out of hand, so I'm serious this time -- you really CAN'T take it with you."

Didja hear that, Beavis? They want to *stimulus* your *package,* heh-heh heh-heh.

ABC's starting to burn through their stockpile of "Carpoolers." So what about all those episodes of "Cavemen"? "Cavemen" is way funnier.

"You've got to admit that was a hell of a roofing job that guy did." - But, curses, Vance has presaged the concept!

"Well, you always wanted a moon roof."


"Fuck Benjamin Franklin! I'd gladly give up essential liberty for a little temporary safe-- Holy shit!"

You know Marcie, for YOUR sake - and the sake of our marriage - you'd better hope your torso and ummm your "lady parts" are in at least ONE of those rascals...

Here stands an ordinary man and woman in their home. Safes crashing down around them. The heaviness of the world destroying their lives. A strange and destructive cacophony. One couple's quiet insanity is just another trip to - what we like to call - The Twilight Zone.

I guess even God read The Lovely Bones.

"Looks like go-kart Mozart got his answer."

"Looks like the teenage couple in that car are 'safe at second base'. And mildly concussed."

"I think Gallileo is up in heaven, trying to prove something. Which suggests that his late-life renunciation of Copernican theory to the Pope, while insincere, must have been sufficient to convince the Lord. Either that or the Catholic doctrine of Papal infallibility is suspect. Wanna fuck?"

"I believe we saw this last weekend in the preview for AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH, PART II."

(1) "Once again, our government gets it wrong. The money contained in those safes could eradicate homelessness in this country. But instead they're just eradicating the homeless."

(2) "In Soviet Russia, safe cracks YOU! ...Oh shit, it's actually happening here!"

"It's fun to watch the global financial markets explode. But I still prefer meteor showers."

It's not the heat, it's the humidity. And the safes.

"The tax rebates here are brutal."

Well, the weatherman did say to expect heavy rains.

This is why we have direct deposit.

The showers here are obscene.

"I don't think those Car Talk guys are going to believe this."

"I don't know why Dustin Hoffman and Lawrence Olivier just popped into my mind, but they did."

I don't understand how bin laden thinks this is going to make us feel unsafe.

"Myron, your not-so-subtle attempt to cop a feel while I'm distracted by this rain of safes isn't going to work. Because I have no lower body."

Wouldn't you know? I was thinking of picking up a power drill and explosives at lunchtime yesterday, but I went and got a haircut instead. Now they're gonna be sold out.

You can never trust weatherreport.com. They called for occasional furniture.

Well, dear, you were the one who told the realtor you wanted to relocate to a "safe area"

It's raining safes! Hallelujah!

Quick! What's your safe word?

"I believe this the the second coming of Al Gore's Social Security lockbox."

Aw! It's just another one of those Nigerian scams. You know... send us $5,000 and we'll send you the safe combination.

"Maybe God is answering our prays while making a statement about the folly of adjustable rate mortgages."

"That's funny, I don't *feel* safe."

"This reminds me of something my grandfather once said. He said, 'Tim my boy, one day, it will rain safes.'"

"Maybe if we set our safe free, they will leave us alone."

The explanation is very simple Marge, it's called "gravity."

"Fourteen safes at night, sailor’s delight. Fourteen safes in morning, sailor’s warning."

AAh, I hope at least one meter maid dies.

"I don't understand why you can never do this when James Randi is around."

"This is just God's way of saying he has too many safes."

Honey, I want an abortion.

"See, if you liquidate your account they will evaporate and then consolidate in the clouds."

"It rains when god cries, but this happens when god shits a brick."

"So now tell me genius, is this what you had in mind when you sold your soul for 'a house, a car and tons of money?'"

"Each one comes with an episode of the Twilight Zone inside and limited edition broken glasses."

"Well, I'm off to work. What, you're calling in sick? 'Cause of this? Fuckin' lazy, Angela."

"If it wasn't raining heavy steel safes, we could go for a walk."

The alternate, only slightly less lame ending to There Will Be Blood.

"I always thought this neighborhood had too many coyotes. And Jews."

"Darn. I just heard on the radio, it isn't jewelry and gold bars in the safes after all. It's space aliens. And they hate us."

"This is boring. Let me show you a cigar shaped object."

"...It isn't raining rain, you see, Its raining Vi-O-Lence!"

"I must admit my puzzlement that one falling safe clearly exceeded the elastic strength of a steel car roof; while another merely spalled of a few bits of composite shingle."

"Trickle-down economics with some ass behind it."

"I'm guessing there was some sort of air freight accident."

"You're right, I wasn't impressed when Christo put up those stupid orange gates in Central Park, but this has got my full attention."

"God's pooping."

Lawrence Olivier: "Is it Safe?"
Dustin Hoffman: "It's very safe."

"Wow, I knew the marketing for Oprah's new 'O!' channel was going to be off the charts, but this is insane."

"I wonder what your dad would say about this. God rest his soul."

"It's more viral advertising for Geraldo's special where he opens Meyer Lansky's safe."

Better call Lloyd, pronto -- he's out on the lake, ice fishing...

I've heard that "The Bush Tragedy" is pretty hot. Even hotter than "Yes Cunt-Tease For Old Men" and "Best of Buster Hymen, Vol. 4: There Will Be Blood."

"I'll tell you what's weird. That's not a safe by the window. It's a television."

(Sigh) ... I suppose this means the authorities will be responding. How will we explain the meth lab in the basement?

"That damn Bill Gates... He thinks it's okay to just dump the waste from his private plane wherever he pleases".

"Could be worse...It might've been Dave Matthew's plane flying over..."

"Look,honey. It's raining cat and dog carriers out there."

"Good thing I rolled up the windows."

"Whoa! Head for the bomb shelter! But first, be sure all our important papers are in the (heh heh heh heh ha-HOOey) safe!"

"Man, 'Extreme Makeover, Home Edition' is just phoning this one in."

"Honey, ring up Radosh and ask if it's racist to call in a safe cracker."

"Honey, call Weisberg and tell him the advance on his next book is here."

This is going to wreak havoc with the morning commute.

"Not again!"

Time to google safe-cracking, David Ogden Stiers!

"Darlene, love of my life, will you make me the happiest man in the world? Darlene, will you marry...AUGHHHH HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIT MOTHER OF GOD RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIFE!"

"Don't fret dear. What with Tony Blair becoming a Catholic and a JP Morgan Chase consultant in the same breath something like this was bound to happen."

"Heavy weather? Yeah, right. I know you're trying to be funny, but come on: When I was a kid we'd have torrential downpours of grand pianos - not the dinky six-foot baby grands, but full nine-foot Steinways - and nobody called off school then."

"The Panspermia crowd are going to have a field day!"

Funny, I pictured the rapture with a lot more fire and brimstone. Still, this is pretty effective.

You see? Contrary to the assertion of standup comedians everywhere, it turns out there was no benefit whatsoever to constructing that aircraft entirely out of the same materials as the black box containing the flight recorders. Man, does he look stupid now.

"Interstingly, although they all look the same, they appear to vary in mass, and, in at least one case, elasticity."

" ...., or, you could spell it 'Interestingly' "

"Actually, I preferred the flying toasters as a screensaver."

"Although the land was cheap, I regret building the safe factory on a volcano."

"I don't hear the safe word. Do you hear the safe word?"

"I REALLY hate Alanis Morrisette."

"Good thing I took the Halliburton upgrade on our home insurance policy."

"Looks like the terrorists hit Trump's penthouse."

"Steinways? Hell ! Why, in my day I trudged through many a fall of Bösendorfer 290s"

"Lo!, well, I'll be damned."

"I'm not sure we should have opted for the Super Saver shipping."

"You're such a showoff. We should have just gotten the regular lawn-aeration service."

Henry and Edna had only practiced for, "It's raining soup!"

I thought you wished for a puppy...

Oh, by the way, Big O is having a sale on those new tires you wanted.

"You owe me a blow job."

"I'm not familiar with this colloquialism."

"I think it's about to stop. I see a arc of dollar signs in the sky."

"If I thought the forecast was going to be correct I wouldn't have made him walk home from school! I guess we should probably start making another kid just to be on the safe side. Ha! I slay me. And my kids."

"Whoa dude- this is like, so heavy. Get it? I said heavy. So like, what goes up must come down right? So like, who threw those up there?"

"The falling American dollar is going to ruin my vacation in more ways than one."

"Harold,even with that bulky sweater you still have man-boobs"

"Gees... a safe just hit our... hey, what kind of car DO we own?!?"

"Yes... weird... and not a cloud in the sky!"

"Laverne!This free delivery of drop safes - sucks!"

"Wow! That one just took out all our hedges...talk about a 'Bush Tragedy.'"

"You think it's safe, kejo? Only if you have no vault insurance! Hyuk hyuk snort!!"

"Oh great! Something else that pious little jerk Kirk Cameron can call "the atheist's nightmare.""

"Alls I'm saying is that after this there's gotta be one helluva rainbow."

"After Huckabee, nothing shocks me."

"It's raining men! Men trapped in safes! Suffocating! ... Hallelujia!"

What the fuck? First we're seeing a snowman partially come to life. Now we're still standing at the window, but one of us is ostensibly a man, and much fatter. And the illustration style has changed, just a little.

Now -- at least me, don't know about you -- I'm seeing safes raining down from the skies.

I still think that Kurt Schwette put some dope in those balls we ate. There's no other explanation why we'e be tripping like this.

--Terri Jo

"Veni vidi soon-it's-gonna-safe o-leevio!"

"I hope you remembered to buy some yeggs."

Somehow President Bush got the Tax Rebate Economic Stimulus Package confused with the war in Iraq...

I guess now we just wait for the "sound".

This isn't so bad. I heard that a bank branch fell on Lewiston yesterday.

"It seems like agent Feldman has succeeded."

"Harold knew the hallucinations were getting worse, but the death of his wife still haunted steps."

Channel 3 is running this on the news, let's go watch it on the big-screen.

"You know, a few safes fall from the sky down here in the south, and people forget how to drive."

"Is there ever a bad time to go out for donuts?"

"You fly, I'll buy."

I think I saw this on "The 10 Most Ironic Ways for the World to End."

So much for my career as a safe salesman.

I don't give a fig for Isaac Newton!

I didn't know you could bounce cash.

"We here in Gaza must no longer stand for these acts of aggression by the Zionist entity."

I don't see any lightning, honey. Do you wanna go outside a play?

"Jimmy Valentine must have gotten his wings"!

What did Henry Fonda drop on Moscow to deserve this?

"I just got off the phone with some mobsters. Turns out, this is what the FBI meant by safe house. We're going to die."

"Thank god I know how to open safes!"

"I'm going out for Skittles."

"Which part don't you understand -- 'ironic,' or 'metaphor'?"

"If I've told you once, I've told you 200 times: There's nothing funny here!"

Those bleeding hearts are going to say global warming did this.

"Good thing I opted for the 'irony' clause on our insurance policy. Probably not so good that the plan's with Countrywide. Hopefully it will all come out in the wash, if you will."

This is nothing compared to the Great Microwave Storm of 1956.


I guess it was a bad time to convert the garage into a family room.

This is so untrue to the original Greek version.

Does this sweater make me look fat?

The greedier the kids get, the lazier Santa gets!

At least that puts an end to the door-to-door salesman cliche.

We were in a drought, but now the banks are overflowing.

"Yes, mother, I'm reading all two hundred and eleven -- make that two hundred and twelve -- captions because I'm giving away Jacob's book this week.... Oh, and would you look at that out the window."

"If Intelligent Design was true, we'd have maybe little drops of water??"

"God help us if his book ever gets a plug from Oprah. It'll take him a month to pick the fucking winner."

"Is Sir Isaac Newton's face printed on every bill you ask?
He's not paying the roofer, and who knows what he looks like anyway?"

"Typical rescue plan...they're encouraging us to spend....so they're dropping safes on us..."

"Jus' like in that dream, 'Fingers' .

Did you want fries with that?

With God as my witness, I thought safes could fly...

"Looks like go-kart Mozart got his answer." —Rubrick

Rubrick, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.

Several of these are MUCH funnier than the New Yorker's winner:
"And tomorrow there's a twenty-per-cent chance of anvils."
I take back what I said about the pillow-top car.
Looks like go-kart Mozart got his answer.

Why are these ANTI-captions?

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