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January 14, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #130

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"Keep moving Billy so mommy knows you're O.K." —reid savid

Finalists
"I don't hear the safe word. Do you hear the safe word?" —Richard

"It's that snowman they were talking about on the news, who kills people." —David John

Honorable mention
"Well, the key features of this home are the huge master bedroom, the Hardie plank siding, and of course, the undead snowman with Parkinson's disease in the back yard." —mypalmike

"He says he's a snowMAN, but inside he's crying like a little girl." —Kosmicki

"The neighborhood cocaine dealers have gotten increasingly baroque." —Ernest

"If we weren't living in New York I'd probably call someone to help that man." —Johnny V

"Isn't that cute? He's signaling a right turn, even though he knows he's completely immobilized." —gary

"But is David Blaine still relevant?" —J.D.

"WE SEE YOU! GO BACK TO FUCKING CANADA!" — Joshua

Honorable mention (fun references dept.)

"Michael Keaton's still got it!" —Francis

"Huge chest, but look at those skinny arms. No way he could bench press more than 250 lbs. Definitely not 400." —jkga

"That Burl Ives...He just won't let it go." —al in la

"I realize that this outdoor challenge is the toughest yet here at 'Project Runway'. The outfit is fierce and fabulous enough, but your model is immobile and unidentifiable. Therefore you are out. Auf wiedersehen." —LR

"The Cloverfield monster is a lot less cool-looking than I expected." —RichM

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"You know what sucks? Melting."

“Hey, this is just like that Pushing Daisies episode!”

“Cloying, yes, but not abominable.”

Wow, impressive. But when the arms stop waving frantically--which will be in just a minute or two--I think the effect will be more dei>pressing. And then there's the frozen corpse on your front lawn to consider... Seriously, you should be having second thoughts about this.

correction:

Wow, impressive. But when the arms stop waving frantically--which will be in just a minute or two--I think the effect will be more depressing. And then there's the frozen corpse on your front lawn to consider... Seriously, you should be having second thoughts about this.

Huh. Someone named "P.C. Vey" must have been drunk near your house last night. And it's in Pat Nixon's handwriting.

"He's been inspired to do this ever since he saw 'The Frosty Clause 2.' "

"That old straw hat is really starting to lose it's magic now, and these halfway transformations just scare the bejeezus out of the poor kids."

"Isn't that cute? He's signaling a right turn, even though he knows he's completely immobilized."

Oh, it's a another lost candidate.

Yeah, it's a shame. He took those polls way too seriously when they said that only a white candidate could win here in Iowa.

A couple weeks ago, we tried pushing him through the ice and that didn't work either.

“He told me 6 to 10 inches, but the lying bastard was only 3 to 5.”

"Michael Keaton's still got it!"

"The branches on our trees were all out of reach, but I think Billy showed a real commitment to finishing that snowman, don't you?"

sure he looks jolly but that morbidly obese snowman has alot of very serious medical problems

The Lifetime Channel will be here any minute to talk about a movie deal.

"My, we're certainly getting a lot of snow, aren't we?"

"Tell me - do you think we would have our living room window wide open in these arctic temperatures if our hands weren't glued to the sill?"

"All I want to know is, where's the rest of the poor guy whose arms those were?"

If he lives, this will certainly teach him not to get so drunk that you can encase him in a snowman without his coming to. And if he doesn't live... well, let's just say this is looking like a win-win situation.

Huge chest, but look at those skinny arms. No way he could bench press more than 250 lbs. Definitely not 400.

This will kill him, you know.

"Yes, he wobbles, but he won't fall down."

"Looks like Barney's concept of building a snowman from the inside out will not catch on, even if he lives."

"Yes, dear, the snow does make your ass look big."

"I told you it would be fun to watch once the paralyzing agent wore off."

"You're right! It does look more realistic with those live mail-order body parts we got from Moscow."

"I can't wait to see the look on your kids' faces when they realize we built a snowman and killed their father on the same day."

"That's teach him to have sex with some Potato Head he met in a bar."

Correction:

"That'll teach him to have sex with some Potato Head he met in a bar."

HOSTEL VIII - REVENGE OF THE SLOVENIAN WHORES

"But is David Blaine still relevant?"

Frosty, my question is very personal: How do you do it? How do keep so upbeat and wonderful?

"Keep moving Billy so mommy knows you're O.K."

I didn't see your post until after Frances - Creepy

Donna, I told you so SAY "snowman" when we go on our mushroom-fueled trip your cloud-house. Nevermind that, let's just do a swan-dive out the window and head over to the "E"-house.

*with correction*

Donna, I told you to SAY "snowman" when we go on our mushroom-fueled trip your cloud-house. Nevermind that, let's just do a swan-dive out the window and head over to the "E"-house.

"It's like that Edgar Allan Snow story: The Winter of the House of Usher."

"Wait, you havn't heard the best part: I have him in there wearing red panties, a bra and fish nets. This way when Frosty melts everone gets to see my little sissy...I love my weekends."

"He says he's a snowMAN, but inside he's crying like a little girl."

"I get cold just looking at him."

"Got another carrot?"

"Oh look... the first sign of Spring. He's sprouting!"

"All I gotta say is... I like getting high in the afternoon with you, Madge!"

"He kind of reminds me of that Peter Max guy in the 'Yellow Submarine' movie."

"If we weren't living in New York I'd probably call someone to help that man."

"You know what I like about you, Nancy?! You see humor in EVERYTHING!"

"...and I told him that even if I was willing to waste another carrot for that, he couldn't reach it anyway."

"C'mon out girls!"

"Watch this, June!"

"Our therapist tells us that an extremely specific fetish like this one may be linked to some type of childhood trauma or abuse."

"This would be hilarious if Tom and I weren't going through the initial steps of a divorce."

"This happened at Halloween with the jack-o-lantern, too. It's because of that stupid Ancient Indian Burial Ground the broker told us about."

HEADLINE: ICEBREAKING MOMENT TURNS ELECTION TIDE

Candidate's watery response melts cold-hearted reputation

Monday, January 7
MANCHESTER, NH -- Democratic presidential candidate FROSTY, answering a question . . .

>> Frosty, my question is very personal: How do you do it? How do keep so upbeat and wonderful?

Posted by: B'nai tha K | January 14, 2008 12:09 PM >>

Reid: Actually, in my mind, Billy had cut off his own arms and used them as the snowman's arms. In retrospect, maybe that isn't as obvious a way to finish a snowman as I thought.

There's no business like snow business..la dee da dee suffocate.

"Worst horror movie villain, ever."

"Freddy and Halloween: scary. Jason and Friday the Thirteenth: scary. Frosty and Thursday, December 18: pathetic."

"Aw, they made a snowman! That's cute."

"Oh, Frosty. There's no way you'd be able to fly by flapping your arms even if you weren't such a fatass."

Francis: I thought that's what you meant but wasn't sure. If you see mine as plagiarism (though I had the idea as soon as I saw the cartoon) you are hereby entitled to encase me in a snowman next time we meet.

He thinks his own waste will keep him warm, but I say wait until the shit freezes to the back of his legs. Then I'll be the one laughing.

"My Davey is so smart, he built mechanical moving arms to add a touch of realism to his snowman."

"Remember to vote on Tuesday for Snowbama."

You be the snow blower. I'll eat the carrot.

Hippity Hop Hop, look at Frosty die!


"We use waterboarding on suspects during the summer - snowboarding seems to work better in the winter."

Four words! Fourth word...sounds like..."Fly?" "Sky?" "Cry" "DIE!" "I am going to DIE!" That's five words asshole.

"*tee-hee* I hate men."

"I love making wimpy, hen-pecked, submissive snow-men. I could sit here all day- it just never gets old!"

"Didn't Charles Addams already do this cartoon forty years ago?"


Seriously - didn't Adams do some variation of a snow man melting and exposing a corpse underneath? Or was it a scarecrow falling apart and exposing a corpse underneath?

"I don't hear the safe word. Do you hear the safe word?"

"Hey, Snowman, got a cup we can borrow?"

"Shoot, that reminds me: my ARM is about to reset."

"White Pride!"

"Hmmm... well, no, he does seem to be walking that straight line without losing his balance... I guess this isn't the drunken snowman we were looking for."

"Well, the key features of this home are the huge master bedroom, the Hardie plank siding, and of course, the undead snowman with Parkinson's disease in the back yard."

"Gosh I love it here at Dartmouth, Janice! Say, who's the dish with the topper. I'd sure like to fuck him in the ass with a strap-on, if you get my drift."

"So we travelled back in time to stop Lincoln from being assassinated but we went too far back and then you triggered his heretofore unknown peanut allergy with your damned Snickers bar and now he's dying and we have to find Hannibal Hamlin before midnight or else the slaves'll never be freed! God, I can't wait until the strike is over and we can sell this story! Oh, right, time machine."

Where's his dick?

Vance: Our idea is clearly so mutually unoriginal, we probably both ripped it off from someone else. Let's let bygones be bygones and work together to keep these goddamn giant potato people out of our nation's taverns.

"That's a nice effect, using bullet holes for the eyes and mouth."

Weatherman says it'll drop into the teens tonight. Then he'll stop that waving.

Now THERE'S a guy with balls!

"I go to hit you. I go to cause collision."

First there's a guy stuck in a painting, then there's a gargantuan puppy, then a deep-sea diver inexplicably appears in a hospital room, and now the snowman's got moving, life-like arms. What the hell is wrong with this town?!?!

Against all odds, the stem cell therapy seems to have worked. Let's celebrate!

"We only paused a moment when we heard him holler 'Stop!'"

"I warned Brad a hundred times his death would be a slow and painful if he didn't install those fucking screens and storm windows before winter."

"It's that snowman they were talking about on the news, who kills people."

"You're right, Gladys, why isn't it called a snowperson? And how come you never see any black snowpeople...., in wheelchairs?"

"So much for the perfect murder. When the snow melts, his rotting corpse will be visible to all."

Jeffrey always wants to play around in his enormous butt plug, so I put the face and the hat on it to fool the neighbors. What in the world was he thinking when he got that enormous butt plug?

What the...? Douglas, that was our last ribbed condom and you had to go and stick in on a snowman's nose?

David John's entry (three above) is so genuinely funny and well phrased, if a bit bleak, it'd be a fine actual entry.

Whoa, Robert Loggia!

The Theatre
Openings and Previews

"Let Them Eat Snow" is the tale of an anguished love triangle between Marie Antoinette, her maid Pilar, and a snowman named Francois. With uninspired acting and poorly directed musical numbers, the bland story drags along for nearly two and a half hours. The final scene, in which Marie and Pilar awkwardly sing a duet (Serge Gainsbourg's "Je T'aime") with a guillotine looming overhead was so implausible as to draw muffled bursts of laughter from the small audience.

"Cloudland was really a great neighborhood, until the pedophile moved in across the cumulus."

See--not a crow in sight.

It was cheaper than getting a cat.

"The neighborhood cocaine dealers have gotten increasingly baroque."

"Yes, our Andy is so creative, we have him in a special school."

"Those are some strong 'shrooms, Dorris, thanks for bringing them over."

"The recipe said to place him in a snowman at 17 degrees for 3 or 4 hours. When you can no longer stick a fork in him he's done."

Well, Mr. Peepy McPeeperson, your efforts to disguise yourself outside our window and watch us have hot sex, seem to have gone awry."

"You know, we thought it would be difficult to track down actual pieces of coal, but it's not that hard."

Teri: Margaret Jo, are that snowman's arms moving?

Margaret Jo: We're tripping *balls*! That bastard Schwetty intentionally fucked us up! Exotic spices my ass, he probably ground up shrooms *and* roofies into that shit.

Teri: So maybe soon Schwetty's cock will be up both of our asses?

Margaret Jo: Probably, his and whoever he rounds up to join in. You know, at his factory he works with his four brothers and like sixteen Mexicans. And the dildo cabinet is on full display.

Teri: Well, it might hurt afterward. But isn't that really what we both wanted, from that very first time we had him on the show?

Margaret Jo: Did you hear the doorbell? I'll get . . . oh fuck, I can't move my legs.

Teri: Wait, I hear people in the hallway.

"My window is crooked. I hope that's Bob Vila in there."

"Who's the frigid bitch now?"

"He always wanted to be the world's coolest dad. Soon he will be the world's deadest dad. See what I did there? I swapped out the word coolest with deadest. Not very clever, but it works."

"My husband said the lemon ice machine would be delivered today. Looks like he was right."

It's muffled but I think he's saying:
'Informer, you no say daddy me snow me I’ll go blame,
A licky boom boom down.
Detective mon said daddy me snow me stab someone down the lane,
A licky boom boom down.'

"Since his base is so big, I would attribute his lack of balance to an inner ear problem - if he had ears."

"It's funny, you don't look Snowish."

Due to the writers strike, we cannot furnish you with any new programs. For your enjoyment please join us by watching:

"The Laverne and Shirley's Christmas that Almost Wasn't"

"And you said it wouldn't hatch."

"How come nudists are always fat?"

"Do you think his sleeves are the right color?

Don't worry honey, the fire department is on the way. In the meantime, could you keep it down out here? We have company.

"Phew, I need this break from our high-functioning autism sufferers support group. Hey, look at that. No way could you roll someone up in those snowman body sections. They must have first built the snowman, then cut a vertical cylinder, then put the guy in the cylinder, then packed snow in on top of him. The arms--maybe they cut horizontal arm openings, or maybe the guy managed to jam his arms through. Well, back to group."

If you do the gag right, you don't even have to bind him. Take a look.

"That son of a bitch.
He's just waiting for
the snow blower."

"Mabel, It's time for the Hymie Lick manuver."

It's amazing how cheap giant Christmas lawn ornamets with real humans inside of them have become.

I expected something different from Craigslist Casual Encounters.

What do you mean you don't believe in the stork? Wait, it's hatching!

"He makes me wet."

"I tell ya, the only Global Warming i'm experiencing is in my pants!"

"....those poor arms of his...but doesn't his suit fit nicely?"

"..Estelle.....you're rich, attractive, talented...why a snowman?"

Yes, Robert, you make an excellent Frosty the Snowman. The kids will love it. We still aren't having a threesome with Jenny.

I don't remember that hat.

"Aha! P.C. Vey's bizarre perspective has trapped yet another unwitting victim inside our Snowtransdimensionalvortexman of Doom! If only there weren't a windowpane lodged in the top tops of our skulls, we'd be able to retrieve the spoils!"

"What a delightful boy! A remarkable boy! Why, yes, the one as big as you! I want you to go and buy it, and tell them to bring it here. Come back with the man, and I'll give you a shilling. Come back with him in less than five minutes and I'll give you half-a-crown!"

"Over there, across the street - see where that bull crashed through the Cows' living room window?"

"We call him Tony Snow, not because he's made of snow, but because he has no snow balls. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!

[Oops, sorry, DAVE, I just noticed you got to the seed of that idea first. -- J.D.]

Greg - love the reprise of the "doen't his suit look nice!" punchline. Haven't heard it in years, and now it may be a little much for many crowds.

The only man in town? That's okay, Ethel. Get the ice machine . . .

I hear that right at the moment he dies, a carrot will pop out right below his belt line.

"What's the matter, Frosty? You say Timmy fell through the ice and is holding on to a rapidly splintering tree branch for dear life? Oh my goodness! We shall go for help right away! Thanks, Frosty!"

"Even though you're white and you have two mommies, we're a family now and we love you much more than your birth snowmommy and daddy ever did. Now come give us a hug. No, wait -- don't."

Wait a minute...doesn't the song about Frosty specify "a stovepipe hat, and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal"? That's a carrot nose, not a button nose! Remember that visit from "Adolph the Amber-Nosed Reindeer" on Christmas Eve? We thought he was "close enough" to a beloved holiday icon, but the next day, our valuables were missing, our cat was pregnant, and there was anti-Semitic graffiti scrawled on our garage door. Tell you what, you boil a big kettleful of water and we'll put the kibosh on "Fraudy the Snowman" faster than you can say "old silk hat". The reincats (or whatever you want to call them) can have the human arms for supper.

"That Burl Ives...He just won't let it go."

"I forgot to mention, I invited an obese snowman over to fuck."

"Of arms and the snowman I sing . . . "

"....it's actually the least expensive theme, as far as hiring male strippers......"

J - I love your Scrooge entry.

Hey, either of you two broads wanna give me a snowjob?

"I TOLD you snowmen could do jazz fingers!"

"If this is your idea of 'he began to dance around', you're even whiter than you look."

"Your chances of scoring with us? You're probably familiar with the expression 'a snowball's chance in hell.'"

"WE SEE YOU! GO BACK TO FUCKING CANADA!"

"Okay here's a better one, Alice... If he were running for president I'd call him SNOWbama, NOT the OBAMA-nal Snowman!"

"He's trying to get off the ground just like the little girl on Radosh's new book - good luck to them both."

"Hey ladies, close that damn window. You're letting all the heat out!"

"It's harder than chaining them up in the basement, but it ups the movie potential by a freaking lot."

"I'm not that into it, but it's only a few months a year. And it's better than those guys that dress up as babies or animals."

"And this is just one more great reason it's better to live out in the country!"

Roger, be a dear. Lizzie and I are trying to figure out how to hyphenate "house-fucking snowman fetish." We're quite certain that "house-fucking" is hyphenated, but should that be joined by hyphen to "snowman"? Oh dear. This is all so confusing.

"Don't let the smile and the top hat fool you: she's a very bitter chorus girl."

"I realize that this outdoor challenge is the toughest yet here at 'Project Runway'. The outfit is fierce and fabulous enough, but your model is immobile and unidentifiable. Therefore you are out. Auf wiedersehen."

"Okay, Okay! We got it. It's that stupid Michael Keaton movie from a few years ago, 'Jack Frost'...My lord, Tom, you sure take your charades seriously."


"I think it's Dustin Hoffman. He was better as Rainman."

You put your whole self in,
You put your whole self out,
You put your whole self in and you shake it all about.
You do the Snowkey Pokey and you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

"Veni vidi Jack-Frost-nosing-at-your-nips o-leevio!"

"I would rather have no man than a snowman...so you can understand why I'm looking forward to Spring!"

"Look--he's coming to! Now he's really going to regret answering that threesome ad on craigslist!"

"You know what's really weird? I can't see any steam coming out of my mouth."

"Oh look--he's about to fall over! How cute is that? How cute is that?"

"I think he's conducting 'Frosty the Snowman.'"

"It is cold today."

"Within the snowman culture bubble, it's a way of saying, 'I'm one of you.'"

"Your milkshake just brought a creepy snowman to the yard."

"The Cloverfield monster is a lot less cool-looking than I expected."

Any excuse to wear a top hat...

"He says his shoes aren't spiffy enough for the occasion, but his priorities are obviously out of order. By the way, what do you think of my new 8 inch platform dominatrix boots?"

"My stars, Sara Jo, ain't here nothin' stem cells can't do?"

there

"Trust me, Edna, you can't really see his snow balls."

Harrold loved Belgium so much - he calls this the Snowman Piss. Once in a while he'll get a stream going about mid-way up the lower bout, but usually he just winds up revealing his feet.

"After the snowman visits, how can you tell the difference between the regular snow and the snow-poo in the yard?"

"Look out! He is trying to catch a pass from Brett Favre!!"

Just for the record, I was right about Charles Addams having done a variation of this cartoon. It's on page 167 of the collection "The World Of Chas. Addams."

For further reference, the Charles Addams version of this cartoon was first published in the December 15, 1956 issue of The New Yorker.

"You'll see, Madge. 'Mister Frostee' cures kids every time wishing at highwire acts."

"Winters, now, Petey isn't required to wear that ankle-locator."

Do you think he has enough airholes?

I wonder where he keeps his corn cob pipe...

Now who's frigid?

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