The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #129
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results. Update: After I dropped the ball on contest #127, frequent winner Mo Buck picked it up and chose a batch of honorable mentions.
Winner
“No, you’re just hallucinating. Just kidding – he’s really there. Just kidding again – you’re really hallucinating. Ha! I love this game!” —Deborah
Finalists
"You're about a meter and a half above sea level. We'd like to get that down a little." —Joshua
"We're canceling the plan to inject a miniaturized diver into your body without actually miniaturizing him. Unfortunately, the test results show that we've attempted this joke so many times that the virus has become resistant to it." —Walt
Honorable mention
"This will be your bucket list companion. He is drowning in his, having led a pathetic life, which is why I think you'll make great friends." —Brian L
"Don't worry, I've seen MUCH worse. For instance, we have this one patient who, I kid you not, wanders the ward wearing this ridiculous-looking deep sea div-- He's standing right behind me, isn't he?" —Ed C
"We're still working on the butterfly" —GilbertBob
"This? Oh, I needed to get my scuba outfit dry-cleaned. Yes, I know it's comically outdated, but I can't afford a newer one. Not all doctors are rich, you jerk. By the way, you have cancer." —Dan McCoy
"President Obama just signed a bill nationalizing health care. We're going to have to move you from this high-end hospital, furnished with a big comfortable bed and antique scuba diving decorations, to a state-run joint where you'll lie on a stretcher in the hallway and be ignored by bureaucrats. I'm sorry."—John Tabin
"Mr. Tariq, it's time for your waterboarding." —jim M
Comments
Hey, you done with that paper?
Posted by: simsburybear | January 7, 2008 9:35 AM
“No, you’re just hallucinating. Just kidding – he’s really there. Just kidding again – you’re really hallucinating. Ha! I love this game!”
“That’s the ghost of my last patient. He died of the bends. I’m sorry – does his presence disconcert you?”
Posted by: Deborah | January 7, 2008 9:47 AM
"I have found our lost triplet."
Posted by: Tim H | January 7, 2008 9:49 AM
We were planning to shrink Dr. Feldstein down to the size of a microbe so that he could painlessly enter your colon, but really, we're at least fifty years away from that kind of technology. So he's going in "as is."
Posted by: kejo | January 7, 2008 9:49 AM
"I'm sorry we couldn't fulfill your last wish for a date with Gisele Bundchen. But, we were able to scare up 1960's live-action kids star Diver Dan."
Posted by: Tim H | January 7, 2008 9:58 AM
"Gurgle burgle gurgle gurgle glub glub."
Posted by: J | January 7, 2008 10:31 AM
"Hung himself in that spot 20 years ago. We added the helmet on later cause he was scaring the patients."
"This will be your bucket list companion. He is drowning in his, having led a pathetic life, which is why I think you'll make great friends."
"This is Francis' new outfit. Also, fyi, he did your crossword while you were blinking.
Posted by: Brian L | January 7, 2008 10:35 AM
You fell through the ice while fishing. This man saved you.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 7, 2008 10:37 AM
He could have been a contender instead of a bum, which is what he is. But his brother told him to take a dive.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 7, 2008 10:38 AM
"Mr. Williams, I'm afraid you have polio. This is the new iron lung suit you'll wear the rest of your life."
"Thumbs? What are thumbs? The drugs are causing you to hallucinate about a different universe again."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 7, 2008 10:42 AM
"We're still working on the butterfly"
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 7, 2008 10:45 AM
"Good news and bad news, Mr. Schnabel. Since we successfully removed your beard eight days ago you have made a complete recovery. But the butterfly died."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 7, 2008 10:50 AM
"Some doctors promise change. But let me tell you, I have a 35-year history of delivering change. My new underwater hospital has made health-care affordable for millions of Americans. And the local diving school provides emergency evacuation services at no additional charge to you the patient."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 7, 2008 10:54 AM
"Well, Mr Litvinienko, the good news is we found the cause of your illness. The bad news is you won't be needing that toupee much longer."
"This is Petey, he's here to rolf you."
"He thinks the Bathos here is obscene."
"We offered you rewards, we kidnapped you, drugged you, tortured you, threatened your friends and family, but still you would not tell us the location of Red Rodger's treasure. This time I appeal to your sense of common decency. This diving suit has to returned to the shop on Friday or we incur stiff daily late fees--whether we've used it or not! So, c'mon, help a brother out."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 7, 2008 10:55 AM
"OK, I'm going to leave you two alone now so you can continue with your fantasy roleplay."
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 7, 2008 10:56 AM
"We've had to take a different route with the Visiting Pets Program. The 'poop' almost cost us our accreditation."
Posted by: Sam L. | January 7, 2008 11:20 AM
"Get a load of Mr. Alarmist - oh nooooo, if you don't put a suit on, the pressure will make your eyes pop out of your head!! Ewww, I'm soooo sca- OH SHIT, it is happening!!!"
Posted by: Vance | January 7, 2008 11:27 AM
“Your increasing fluid build up now calls for a drastic procedure.”
Posted by: dwilk | January 7, 2008 11:37 AM
"Hey, whatever works! We find they remove a great deal of the tedium from our 36 hr. 'on-calls'. We haven't nearly so many misdiagnoses and botched surgeries since their installation.... But I warn you now, the nurses are still screwing up royally !"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 7, 2008 11:43 AM
"Look, you're cured. You don't think you're a goldfish anymore. All right? Now I don't want to hear any more of this silliness."
Posted by: Francis | January 7, 2008 11:56 AM
The treatment we're going for is right out of "Fantastic Voyage," except for the miniaturization part.
Posted by: Mark | January 7, 2008 12:09 PM
You'll excuse Dr. Weissman -- he's a little hard of hearing and thought he was scheduled to explore the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, not the rectum of Edmund Fitzgerald. I can't figure out, though, why he gave you a pop-rocks-and-coke enema instead of a barium enema. Those don't sound anything alike!
Posted by: kejo | January 7, 2008 12:10 PM
"We doctors operate under a lot of pressure."
Posted by: Francis | January 7, 2008 12:19 PM
"To each his own, guy ! You've your TIMES, even your NEW YORKERS, to relieve the tedium of hospital experience ! Me, with my 'case', I couldn't really get into a 'condition', until 'nursie' came along, unless it was actually bleeding to death...(yahn)... O.K.,that and seizures !"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 7, 2008 12:22 PM
Still no stiffy? That's it, then, I'm completely out of ideas.
Posted by: Tom | January 7, 2008 12:30 PM
"I know you came here for my professional opinion, but there's no reason you shouldn't listen to frequent diagnostician and deep-sea diver par excellence, "Doctor" Mo Buck."
Posted by: Chris | January 7, 2008 12:50 PM
The nurse is here to take away your bedpan, Mr. Litvinenko. We couldn't find a real hazmat suit.
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 7, 2008 12:56 PM
the prognosis isn't good. we're underwater and quickly drowning.
Posted by: michael | January 7, 2008 12:57 PM
We ran out of scrubs.
Posted by: TMo | January 7, 2008 1:01 PM
Goddammit, he's a scuba diver, not a doctor!
Posted by: TMo | January 7, 2008 1:02 PM
Put the scuba gear on first, ask questions later.
Posted by: TMo | January 7, 2008 1:04 PM
(Associated Press - 9/1/05) New Orleans - A diver explores a hospital completely submerged by flood waters in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Many in the hospital were apparently unaware of the impending danger, and were eerily frozen in time at the moment of their deaths.
Posted by: mypalmike | January 7, 2008 1:04 PM
Don't worry, the front panel swings out so your nose won't get smushed.
Posted by: TMo | January 7, 2008 1:05 PM
"Hey! You're that guy with the rare strain of drug-resistant mutant tuberculosis! I was wondering why everyone was making such a fuss about protective clothing. So, can I get your autograph? [cough]"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 7, 2008 1:21 PM
"You are being remitted from Purgatory, 'Strangler' . Would you put in a good word for me, please ?"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 7, 2008 1:33 PM
You don't have a vagina? Ok, then he'll have to go in through your anus.
Posted by: npm | January 7, 2008 1:45 PM
"Don't be alarmed. It's simply Britney Spears trying to avoid the paparazzi. Now, will ya scooch over a bit?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 7, 2008 1:46 PM
"He can only stay a few minutes. Then he has to get back to his job at the dive bar down the block."
Posted by: Tim H | January 7, 2008 2:08 PM
"I'm afraid we have bad news. It appears that the damage to both your left ventricle and your submarine are far worse than we initially concluded."
Posted by: Ed C | January 7, 2008 2:11 PM
"Yes, some people do call my cosmetic surgery concepts 'outrageous'. I prefer 'avant garde'."
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 7, 2008 2:19 PM
"Mr. Phillips, your wife is here. For some reason, she's wearing a deep sea diving suit."
Posted by: Ed C | January 7, 2008 2:21 PM
"Don't worry, I've seen MUCH worse. For instance, we have this one patient who, I kid you not, wanders the ward wearing this ridiculous-looking deep sea div-- He's standing right behind me, isn't he?"
Posted by: Ed C | January 7, 2008 2:27 PM
"This? Oh, I needed to get my scuba outfit dry-cleaned. Yes, I know it's comically outdated, but I can't afford a newer one. Not all doctors are rich, you jerk. By the way, you have cancer."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | January 7, 2008 2:30 PM
"Dr. Haynesworth, on my right, is in the Wetness Protection Program, but will provide you with the medical attention you deserve."
Posted by: dwilk | January 7, 2008 3:06 PM
"President Obama just signed a bill nationalizing health care. We're going to have to move you from this high-end hospital, furnished with a big comfortable bed and antique scuba diving decorations, to a state-run joint where you'll lie on a stretcher in the hallway and be ignored by bureaucrats. I'm sorry."
Posted by: John Tabin | January 7, 2008 3:20 PM
Cindy will draw a small sample of blood and then we'll prep you for the rotor cuff surgery. She's just nervous you have HIV because you look gay.
Posted by: Ernest | January 7, 2008 3:25 PM
"Is your name Ika Nahtbreathe? Ah, good, I finally found you. I found this crazy guy in the ER asking for you over and over again. Now, I wonder where I can find Mr. Dasoot Issuffocatingme."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 7, 2008 3:39 PM
"Oh sure, now you tell us about Preparation-H."
"Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, not everyone knows 'polyp' has a medical definition, too."
"You got crabs because you didn't wear protection--would 2 wrongs make a right?"
Posted by: Ian S. | January 7, 2008 3:40 PM
"I won this novelty cup at a carnival. You grab one straw, and I'll grab the other."
"I see you have already read the newspaper. It will come as no surprise then that this deep sea diver saved your life, but viciously murdered your entire family in the process. Oh. You haven't read it? It's on page 6E, right below the comics. That Garfield, always getting into trouble!"
"My name is Dr. Diver. You might be curious as to why I have brought this archaic diving equipment, but is is merely a visual technique for you to remember my name. Now bend over for your proctology exam. They don't call me 'Deepsy' for nothin!"
"I said you need to eat your weekly fiber, not meet a deep sea diver."
Posted by: Mo Buck | January 7, 2008 3:45 PM
It turns out the giant hooker in 42F was pregnant and her water broke. For God's sake man, climb into this suit so you don't drown like those poor souls in Telemetry.
Posted by: Ernest | January 7, 2008 3:45 PM
The good news, Jenkins, is your gills appear to be functioning at 100 percent. However, Blue Cross has disallowed payment for the procedure, so Larry here is going to have to take you to the surface, where you'll likely suffocate within minutes.
Posted by: Ernest | January 7, 2008 4:03 PM
Looks like the cancer has spread to your bones and major organs, but I've got a medicated shampoo I'm very excited to see if we can at least cure that dandruff.
Posted by: Ernest | January 7, 2008 4:06 PM
"No, it's Death. He decided on a change of costume for 2008."
Posted by: jim M | January 7, 2008 4:18 PM
"Mr. Tariq, it's time for your waterboarding."
Posted by: jim M | January 7, 2008 4:20 PM
"Of course I know what Diver-trick-you-lightus is... I graduated from a fine 'Med'School, ...well... okay, I don't know what the hell you are talking about..."
"Mr. Forrest... I have good news and bad news. First the good news: You don't need to prop yourself up with 2 pillows. The bed adjusts.
The bad news: You'll probably die before this weekend."
"You wanted a second opinion? Well, my colleague thinks it's not wet enough to wear his diving suit. But, of course, even he doesn't follow his own diagnoses."
"The operation has successfully made you into a 'Mer-man'. (A male Mermaid). Your fins are under the covers. Urick here will escort you to the ocean and push you into deep water."
Posted by: Johnny V | January 7, 2008 4:22 PM
Congratulations, you're going to be on the first episode of TLC's "Extreme Colonoscopies".
Posted by: therblig | January 7, 2008 4:25 PM
"We all suffer from that ailment that makes our middle fingers fuse together. Leroy, here, just wanted to wear his diving suit."
"It's 'Take Your Son to Work' day. My boy, Nemo, can't decide if he wants to be a doctor or a undersea captain."
Posted by: Johnny V | January 7, 2008 4:26 PM
Apparently, in a deep sea diver's suit, nobody knows you're a dog.
Posted by: therblig | January 7, 2008 4:27 PM
"Can I get you anything else?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 7, 2008 4:41 PM
"You're about a meter and a half above sea level. We'd like to get that down a little."
Posted by: Joshua | January 7, 2008 4:42 PM
Here at Holiday Inn we offer not only turn down service but role playing rapists as well. Have a swell night. And I do mean swell!
Posted by: Melissa | January 7, 2008 4:43 PM
"I am immune to your super farts.....this is my colleague, Dr. D. Bell who has a few questions...."
Posted by: Greg | January 7, 2008 4:56 PM
"Well, that wraps up my rounds for tonight. James, get the Benz. ... No, the B-- ... Get the car, dammit!"
Posted by: Joshua | January 7, 2008 5:07 PM
The worst part is, he's also a registered sex offender.
Posted by: LK | January 7, 2008 5:10 PM
"We felt you needed a little spiritual guidance - meet Deepack Skuba."
Posted by: jim M | January 7, 2008 5:13 PM
Yes Bob, I'll be the first to admit a curtain and a vintage diving suit next to your nightstand is unique. But that's not exactly what I meant when I said you and your wife should get more creative in the bedroom.
Posted by: Owen | January 7, 2008 5:38 PM
"He lives year round at the top of Mt. Everest, so as you can imagine the pressure here at sea-level is extremely high for him."
"Seaman Jones, you're dying. My colleague will escort you to Davey Jones' locker."
"Seaman Jones, you're dying. Mind if I finish the crossword puzzle?"
"Seaman Jones, you're dying. Do me a favor and just hold it so I don't have to change your bedpan anymore."
Posted by: MAtt | January 7, 2008 5:39 PM
Some version of "Fantastic Voyage" works for me . . . Meanwhile, did anyone else catch the early frontrunner for "Most Anti-Caption Actual New Yorker Cartoon of 2008"? See it here:
http://www.cartoonbank.com/product_details.asp?mscssid=X0QBBBS3G3LJ8GBV2QCMEJUF3MM455Q7&sitetype=1&did=4&sid=124784&pid=&advanced=1&keyword=&artist=§ion=all&caption=&artID=&topic=&pubDateFrom=01/01/2008&pubDateTo=01/08/2008&pubDateMon=&pubDateDay=&pubNY=1&color=0&title=undefined&whichpage=4&sortBy=popular
Posted by: gary | January 7, 2008 5:51 PM
(thinks to self) It's amazing how the lack of bacteria at this depth preserves the bodies so well...I wonder if the doctor told the patient about the iceberg, or if he instead chose not to panic him.
Posted by: kejo | January 7, 2008 6:16 PM
OK, the Make-a-Wish Foundation got you a real live Snork. Now, will you just die? We need the bed.
Posted by: therblig | January 7, 2008 6:23 PM
"The diving suit's just an amusing oddity. I thought it might take your mind off only having a few months to live."
Posted by: David John | January 7, 2008 6:59 PM
"You're pregnant Mr. Jones.
For obvious reasons this
will be a sea section."
Posted by: baron | January 7, 2008 7:23 PM
"So first you saw a guy in a radiation suit at a bar, now you're imaging an old deep sea diver behind me?"
Posted by: David | January 7, 2008 7:27 PM
"....while this costume does not exactly match the one in my fantasy, we will proceed."
Posted by: Greg | January 7, 2008 7:37 PM
Sorry to bother you - we're looking for a giant squid wearing a chef's hat...have you seen him?
Posted by: simsburybear | January 7, 2008 7:38 PM
"Your seaman looks a bit thick, but other than that, you're perfectly healthy."
(Props to MAtt.)
Posted by: mypalmike | January 7, 2008 8:03 PM
"Mr. Collins, to my right you will notice a man wearing an "atmosphere one" diving suit, circa 1935. Also, you have cancer. I'm sorry."
Posted by: roy | January 7, 2008 8:33 PM
"As you can see we take cleanliness very seriously here."
"Don't worry, even though our equal employment policies require us to not discriminate against employees with extremely contagious strains of ebola, we're confident that our hospital can still provide the same level of high-quality care you expect."
"Dr. Schwartz is training to be a proctologist."
"No, of course there isn't going to be an extra charge on your bill for this. But he is hooked up to your metered oxygen tank, so that charge might be a little higher than you'd expect."
"Turns out, we can keep a man alive without actually having any parts of him remaining."
Posted by: znufrii | January 7, 2008 9:04 PM
“You have hepatitus-sea.”
Posted by: Richard | January 7, 2008 9:20 PM
He says he's from the Make a Wish Society. I guess that means you're fucked.
Posted by: LK | January 7, 2008 10:40 PM
This is the Cadillac of burial at sea. All the benefits of indefinite tissue preservation, and an opportunity for your loved ones to visit you in one of our familiy-friendly dive cemeteries.
Posted by: Shawn | January 7, 2008 11:03 PM
"Everything's better / Down where it's wetter / Under the sea."
Posted by: Richard | January 7, 2008 11:45 PM
"You have Type II diabetes. Would you like to keep that, or trade it for what's behind the curtain where Jacques Cousteau is standing?"
Posted by: Joshua | January 8, 2008 12:40 AM
"I must caution you, the procedure is quite invasive."
Posted by: al in la | January 8, 2008 1:39 AM
"Mr. Fenton, I thought you should know, I've fallen in love with your wife and we'll be splitting all that insurance money once your "accidental" death ensues from those pills. Yes, we'll have a giant swimming pool full of cash to jump and swim in. Your wife is even planning to do some diving."
Posted by: Vance | January 8, 2008 2:00 AM
"So... what's with the T-shirt, Brando?"
Posted by: Vance | January 8, 2008 2:02 AM
Mr. Jones, this is Nurse Smith and she's here to irrigate your colon.
Posted by: Anthony Sinni | January 8, 2008 2:19 AM
Gary, you've been a coma for seven years and a lot has changed. For instance, women are no longer allowed to show any skin in public.
Posted by: Brian L | January 8, 2008 2:47 AM
al in la: "I must caution you, the procedure is quite invasive."
is an excellent real caption
Posted by: JohnnyB | January 8, 2008 8:08 AM
"We're Christian Scientists here, and we do miraculous things with extreme full-immersion baptism."
Posted by: LV | January 8, 2008 8:41 AM
"We were going to shrink him so he could travel into your body and work on it from the inside, but that didn't work. We're have to send him in regular size, but don't worry, you'll be heavily sedated."
Posted by: Tiberius | January 8, 2008 9:30 AM
That's "we'll have to send him... not "we're..." Doh.
Posted by: Tiberius | January 8, 2008 9:31 AM
Mr. Tintin, there's a Captain Haymaker here to see you. Remember, keep your visit to five minutes or less, and no solving submerged mysteries for at least 48 hours, or your chlamydia will flare up something fierce.
Posted by: junior | January 8, 2008 9:55 AM
"Could you turn off that high-powered fan--the one off-panel to your left? It's making my hair fly back and my colleague here has to wear lead ingots on his belt just to keep from being blown away."
Posted by: Chris | January 8, 2008 10:07 AM
al in la: I second the motion. Send that one in to the real contest!
Posted by: kejo | January 8, 2008 10:46 AM
Unfortunately, the artwork lodged in my cerebral cortex is causing me to see great expanses of blank space interrupted only by a mysterious, scrawled signature, as though our very beings were purposed by some artful deity who... anyway, I'll have to turn your care over to my diver."
Posted by: jeremiah | January 8, 2008 12:03 PM
"Mr. Jones, this is Rep. Duncan Hunter. He's running for President and he needs your vote."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 8, 2008 12:25 PM
"Our resident fetishist will be performing the exam."
Posted by: David John | January 8, 2008 1:01 PM
We're canceling the plan to inject a miniaturized diver into your body without actually miniaturizing him. Unfortunately, the test results show that we've attempted this joke so many times that the virus has become resistant to it.
Posted by: Walt | January 8, 2008 1:45 PM
"The operation to remove your crushed lower legs was a success, but you'll be wearing essentially square pants. And we left in a sponge, Bob."
Posted by: LR | January 8, 2008 2:24 PM
"I see by the fact that you have just one 'Get Well' card that you are unloved. Therefore, we will have to kill you."
Posted by: Kathy H | January 8, 2008 4:30 PM
"You the one who's been complaining about the hosital gowns?"
[Note to kejo & JohnnyB:
Thanks. You 2two proded me into entering the 'real' contest for the first time over a year. But I still won't read that rag, The New Yorker--not 'til they stop with all the big words.]
Posted by: al in la | January 8, 2008 5:02 PM
My resident tells me his Nitrox disappears everytime he examines you.
Posted by: klh | January 8, 2008 7:19 PM
"Perhaps you misunderstood me when I said 'exploratory surgery'."
Posted by: Ed C | January 8, 2008 7:26 PM
“You can leave or you can join us. Either way, we need the bed.”
“Battle fatigue? If I had my gloves, I’d slap you. You are lucky a navy man is here to stop me.”
Posted by: Dex | January 8, 2008 8:06 PM
"This tank suit is what we call a Dynamic Enema Device for Highly Opaque Remote Surgical Emergencies, or 'DED HORSE'. Behind the curtain is our miniaturization machine, the Fissioning Latent Orbital Gyrometer, or 'FLOG'..."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 8, 2008 8:56 PM
"Is he qualified? Hell, he's reset 20,000 legs under the sea!"
Posted by: dwilk | January 9, 2008 7:38 AM
"Let me find out why there's a guy in a diving suit in your room and get back to you."
Posted by: Joshua | January 9, 2008 9:27 AM
"He is what your HMO covers under 'second opinion.'"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 9, 2008 10:00 AM
We're trying something new called "Movie Motivational Therapy". The only problems are that I can't do a decent DeNiro, Nurse Higgins here isn't a black amputee, and you're going to die anyway.
Posted by: therblig | January 9, 2008 10:01 AM
"You asked to speak to one of my previous plastic surgery patients...."
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 9, 2008 10:03 AM
"We can't see anything with the sigmoidoscope, so we'll have to send junior in"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 9, 2008 10:30 AM
"It may look dated, but wait until YOU'RE wearing it. Then it'll seem brand new."
"OK if our intern observes your exam?"
Posted by: Friedson | January 9, 2008 11:27 AM
"Freakin' antiseptic, unromantical settings ! I don't go anywhere without my "The Wake of the Red Witch" fix !.... If that dates me, tough ! For 'chrissake', I'm three-fourths bald now !"
Posted by: Sam L. | January 9, 2008 2:06 PM
"Treating excessive flatulence can be very tricky. In the meantime..."
Posted by: al in la | January 9, 2008 2:22 PM
"And this is my associate, the famous Russian urologist,Dr.Kuturcockoff."
Posted by: Dr. Sumguy | January 9, 2008 2:47 PM
"We left a sponge behind during your surgery."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 9, 2008 3:22 PM
"He was diving off the sailboat in the picture behind my head. How he got here, I'll never know."
Posted by: jim M | January 9, 2008 3:45 PM
"It's time for your spongebath. Nurse Bob hates to get wet."
Posted by: jim M | January 9, 2008 3:47 PM
"There is just a very slight chance that you may have a highly infectious condition. The nurse here will be making some tests. I won't be seeing you for a while."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 9, 2008 4:16 PM
"The hyperbaric chamber is broken"
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 9, 2008 4:18 PM
"Yes, as I told you before, my white coat is held closed by a Velcro(tm) fastener strip. I'm concerned that you're not more curious about the diver, though."
Posted by: Chris | January 9, 2008 5:16 PM
"......now, be still until the picture is taken. Then, we'll change 6 things and take another picture. The readers will compare both the photos, then try and find what we changed. It will be hi-larious."
Posted by: Greg | January 9, 2008 5:23 PM
He's got the bends and we're short of beds, so roll over. Oh yeah, he's also got dysentery, so you might want to watch for leaks in his suit.
Posted by: Tom | January 9, 2008 7:05 PM
"We're here to offer you all the kelp you need."
Posted by: dwilk | January 9, 2008 8:23 PM
"Can you turn on your side and open wide?"
Posted by: dwilk | January 9, 2008 8:39 PM
"So yesterday Dr. Hallston and I were joking around and I said, 'How much do you think Hillary will have to cry to win the general election?,' and for comical effect he came to work in this diver's suit implying that, you know, she'd have to cry a lot. Anyway, your test came back positive and it looks like you're going to die slowly and painfully. A LOT. That still cracks me up."
Posted by: J | January 9, 2008 9:17 PM
"I don't find that this constitutes a decent setup for a good one panel cartoon."
Posted by: Anonymous | January 10, 2008 1:30 AM
"We're going to the Great Oz to get my friend here a heart and me a brain. Maybe he give you a penile implant."
Posted by: J.D. | January 10, 2008 1:34 AM
"This is how all visitors to AIDS patients must dress now that Huckabee's president. Fucked up isn't it?"
Posted by: J.D. | January 10, 2008 1:40 AM
"Please tell your friend to go home, Mr. Bradley. I think we both know that what I asked for was a 'semen' specimen."
Posted by: al in la | January 10, 2008 2:34 AM
“We need you to provide him with an entry level position.”
Posted by: dwilk | January 10, 2008 7:06 AM
My question is very personal: How do you do it? How do you keep upbeat and so wonderful?
[note: I conceived this before seeing J's entry, six up from here. Honest!]
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | January 10, 2008 9:30 AM
"Preventing another nasty STD includes stringent muff-diving precautions."
"Nurse Foley here will be giving you a spongecath."
Posted by: LV | January 10, 2008 10:30 AM
"I beg your pardon, sirrah. You are most definitely NOT too good to play the patient in one of our occasional wack-a-doodle scenes on 'ER', Thursday nights on NBC."
Posted by: Chris | January 10, 2008 3:04 PM
"Have you seen my stethoscope and/or my grande latte?"
Posted by: Kathy H | January 10, 2008 3:53 PM
It means that some asshole has my pen. And there's a deep-sea diver in the room.
Posted by: therblig | January 10, 2008 4:01 PM
"During surgery I left a sponge inside you by accident... and gosh-darn it... It took root and multiplied!"
"I brought along an 'idgiot', do you mind?... What?! It's pronounced 'idiot?!"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 10, 2008 5:42 PM
"That's right, I'm right here in your hospital room with you! Or am I over here? Or over here? Or over here?"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 10, 2008 6:00 PM
to Joseph--
"You're about a meter and a half above sea level. We'd like to get that down a little."
This is brilliant. Submit this to the actual contest immediately. Probably too funny to win, but take a shot.
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 10, 2008 6:23 PM
"Everything's fine, Mr Woodford. The captain's testing the alarm system and I'm just going to slip into my costume for tonight's ball. While I do that, could you take a deep breath for me?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | January 10, 2008 6:41 PM
"I bet you're wondering where these hoses are connected to? I'm glad you asked..."
Posted by: David | January 10, 2008 7:12 PM
"We've finished your costume for The Boy in the Plastic Bubble II, Mr. Travolta. Christ, you've gotten fat."
Posted by: David | January 10, 2008 7:17 PM
It's true, I'm afraid. Hillary's dead . . . [pause/beat] . . . Sir EDMUND Hillary !!! Oh, psyche!
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | January 10, 2008 7:57 PM
We were out of our regular IVs.
Posted by: Brian L | January 10, 2008 8:20 PM
I've brought someone to speak to you about diverticulosis.
Posted by: Joe | January 10, 2008 10:59 PM
"A 'Mariana S. Trench' to see you, sir."
Posted by: RichM | January 10, 2008 11:11 PM
"What? Where?"
Posted by: RichM | January 10, 2008 11:22 PM
To Trout:
Thanks for the compliment! I wouldn't submit it to the "actual" contest because it's self-referential to the contest and that makes it a sort of meta-caption and I'm sure they don't do that.
And in addition, I've come to think of this as the "actual" contest because it's funnier 9 times out of 10.
And in addition to that, I'm guessing the actual New Yorker editors read this contest themselves. Hey, Radosh, any chance that could be true?
Posted by: Joshua | January 11, 2008 12:08 AM
"Never mind where those hoses are coming from. Look me in the eye!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 11, 2008 9:48 AM
"The real question, Mr. Hollabaugh, is where you got an undsized copy of TIME magazine without the border around the cover!"
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 11, 2008 10:00 AM
"undersized" above, of course
Posted by: shadysidelantern | January 11, 2008 10:00 AM
"We'd like to take a 365-day urine sample, if that's all right with you."
Posted by: David F | January 11, 2008 1:40 PM
You know, surviving a self induced near-death experience from asphyxiation whilst being hog-tied in this suit with a huge anal plug up your ass is really no indication that god is smiling down on you; not to mention it’s simply unbecoming behavior for a Baptist minister.
Posted by: moikk | January 11, 2008 1:57 PM
"You are my clone... and you have better hair than I have. Take the diving suit. Save yourself form this sinking hospital ship!"
Posted by: Johnny V | January 11, 2008 3:00 PM
"I'm sorry, but you have a veni vidi malignancy-o-leevio!"
Posted by: Chris | January 11, 2008 4:31 PM
"These fish oil salesman are getting more and more pushy."
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 12, 2008 3:18 AM
"I dismissed him as a snake oil salesman, but he has some really good advice. Take lots of fish oil and avoid sharks."
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 12, 2008 3:21 AM
You may have conned the nurses out of two pillows and two papers, but the hospital is not providing you with more than one fetish.
Posted by: Chris | January 12, 2008 6:18 AM
I'm sorry, Mr. Jenkins, but when you buy your health insurance based on a screaming duck, I'm afraid this is the best care you can expect.
Posted by: therblig | January 12, 2008 11:05 AM
"This is my partner Pat. We have a very long-running joke about Pat's gender."
Posted by: C@L Mike | January 12, 2008 12:50 PM
"One nation under Huckabee. I'm afraid nurse fantasies are a thing of the past -- at least conventional ones."
Posted by: C@L Mike | January 12, 2008 1:06 PM
"What guy in a diving costume? Next time you suffer a concussion try not to come off like a fuckin' psycho."
Posted by: David John | January 12, 2008 4:23 PM
"I just want to really make it clear to you dudes: Life is a gas."
Posted by: Kosmicki | January 13, 2008 2:22 AM
Just slip this on with the opening at the back.
Posted by: Chris | January 13, 2008 6:21 AM
Nooo, your test results don't spell impending doom- the chaplain just thought he'd stop by for a chat.
Posted by: Diann | January 13, 2008 7:34 AM
"Near the end, your life might pass before you like a movie. If it's a French film with unsubtle metaphors, a date stamp and/or a LEO WLWM symbol, you're going to hell."
Posted by: LV | January 13, 2008 11:19 AM
"This next round of tests will take us 20,000 leagues into your ass."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | January 13, 2008 2:05 PM
"The bad news is my colleagues seem to have misunderstood my orders. The good news is -- and we're all seafood lovers here, yes? -- we've arranged for you to have the world's finest sturgeon."
(oops, just realized i'm too late.)
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | January 13, 2008 2:33 PM
Please, Mr.
Johnson, for the last time there are no bones in your anus. It WILL stretch!!!
Posted by: walt Shannon | January 22, 2008 11:50 PM
If you'd please turn over now my assistant can begin the exploration.
Posted by: Jeb | February 2, 2008 11:47 PM
You can look suprised all you want, but I distictly remember saying exploratory!
Posted by: Jeb | February 2, 2008 11:50 PM