January 2, 2008

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #128

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Do you think they'll euthanize him with one big shot, or just lots of regular-sized shots?"
Posted by: Dave

"I'm going to have the abortion. I just can't in good conscience bring a child into a world overrun with gigantic dogs." —gary

"All right, have it your way -- you heard a seal bark." —Joshua

Honorable mention
"Yes, he chews on the furniture, but having a big dog makes me feel safe when you're away. That's been really important to me ever since the rape." —John Tabin

"When I said I was into heavy petting, I meant I enjoy having my genital area groped through my clothing." —

"I'm pretty sure my secret Santa was either Bob from accouting or Jeff Koons." —Owen

"Dog? I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, before I continue... you've never seen Gaslight , have you?" —Tom

Posted by Daniel Radosh


You know the worst thing about owning Clifford the Big Red Dog? Cleaning up all the Big Red Dogshit, that's what.

When Corky sits around the living room, he sits around the living room! (rimshot)

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Neil! He's eating my chair now! Neil, I'm really scared! This "acting calm" ploy is NOT WORKING! We're going to die, don't you understand?! Let's run, Neil! Let's just get up and run! We'll split up as soon as we're out the door, and one of us will survive to warn the others!

You know how dog toys and sex toys can look an awful lot alike? (groan) I don't think I'll be able to sit normally for a few days.

"I think he wants a walk. I'm just going to take him down to Cloverfield."

"I gotta hand it to you, Bob--I still haven't figured out how you were able to successfully mate Marmaduke and Clifford."

"How's 'Marmaduke' today?"

"I'm going to have the abortion. I just can't in good conscience bring a child into a world overrun with gigantic dogs."

"Can we swap chairs? There's a ropy line of drool trickling down the back of this one."

"He may be getting suspicious--I don't like the way he's looking at you. Maybe you better just lay low for a few days."

"I hate cartoonists that mangle metaphors. It's an elephant in the room not a giant dog - and, by the way, your feet stink."

"Oops, me toe went in your coffee again."

“I just love our Jeff Koons dog.”

“I think we need a bigger dog.”

“Five….four….three…two…one….HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

"Nice leg cross, Nuryev."

"Okay, so the giant cat's finally gone, but who's gonna get rid of this guy?"

"Joe, have you seen the baby?"

"This book is dogeared."

"Did I tell you I saw a giant shoe outside this morning? And that there's no running water? I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but I'm starting to think that Realtor who helped us downsize actually downsized us to to a dollhouse. I'm gonna call my sister and see what she thinks."

"Honey, do we own a dog?"

"This whole thing gives one paws."

"I miss John Ritter. It could be having to endure David Spade on '8 Simple Rules', but I sometimes just get this vibe, ya know?"

"Did you hear a dog bark?"

"Do you think they'll euthanize him with one big shot, or just lots of regular-sized shots?"

"Look, if he was average size you know he'd be eating doll's shoes, so don't act so goddamn surprised."

"Before we arranged the furniture this way, we should have considered how the dog is going to get out from behind us."

"Hre's another piece on dogs too obese to get out of the house. How does that happen?"

"Your turn to walk him."

"The hounds here are obscene."

or maybe I meant to say, "The hounds here are obese."

Rawhide upholstery? Genius, Roger.

Obviously I don't think it is unfair to keep a big dog in Manhattan. Are you trying to start a fight?

You did the experiment, you got the results. Now publish! We need the grant money to pay for the waste removal.

On the Internet, they think he's just an unbelievably enormous person.

"If it weren't for all his bullshit he'd be the perfect dog for us."

"A big bitch and a homewrecker...that reminds me, when is your mother-in-law coming to visit?"

The next time you try to breed him with a chiwawa can you buy a pair of earmuffs for me?

Yeah, it's by Ron Mueck. You should see how realistic his balls are.

When he becomes aged and incontinent and we have to put him down, we'll need that really big gun your backwards relatives were telling us about.

I don't want to alarm you, but you look exactly like his favorite chew toy.

Well, we both knew there would be a downside to buying Thurber's house.

"Did you hear a sound, sort of like 200 unread ice fishing captions crying out all at once and then falling silent...or did Rover Q. McGillicuddy here just blow a gigando fart?"

I'm pregnant, and the baby is also huge.

"When I said I wanted a giant dog, I didn't mean this breed."

"I told you buying an enormous dog would make us fodder for New Yorker cartoon."

"I'm sorry we accidentally neutered you instead of the dog. You don't have to rub it in"

I've heard of the Giant Dog of the Yukon (Canis maximus canadiensis), but this is ridiculous! Okay, there's actually no such thing as the Giant Dog of the Yukon, but it's a pretty good joke, don't you think?

"Honey, did you hear the latest? Radosh isn't even bothering to read these comments. Hmmm...maybe he'll outsource. Now, about that dog..."

Constructive suggestion for Mr. theophylact:

"All right, have it your way -- you heard a dog bark."

Or to be even more anti-...

"All right, have it your way -- you heard a seal bark."

"I don't know if this falls under rule #167: adorable floppy ears or rule #216: incredibly tiny people living in dollhouse."

"That's a huge bitch."

"Someone taught Thurber's corpse to draw."

"Look at him, so big and cute, just sitting there reading the newspaper."

"Did you remember to get the Hefty double-thick super-size trash bags? I was thinking of walking the puppy."

"Can we swap chairs? I've decided his breath is worse than his farts."

"When I said I was into heavy petting, I meant I enjoy having my genital area groped through my clothing."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight-- it's the size of the dog in the living room. Which in this case is very, very large."

"You see, mass increases as the cube of length, while area increases only as the square. The strength of bone is proportional to the area of its cross section. That's why anytime Rover tries to go anywhere his legs snap like twigs."

Alan Alda was so wrong.

We're a couple of midgets. Apparently, he doesn't mind.

"Honey, our life together is perfect... except for our extraordinarily large dog!!"

"Honey, when did you say the Evrolet Girl was coming by to pick up her dog?"

"I don't know what to do. Every time I try and tell Timmy how Rusty's gotten too big for us to keep him, he grabs one of your razor blades from the medicine cabinet and tries to kill himself."

"I said I wanted a Bauhaus chair for Christmas, not a Bow-wow house chair! Sheesh!"

"What if we have to take our dog to the vet? They'll think we we're crazy! For having such a big dog!"

"Sometimes it seems that focus so much time and attention on our pets, they sort of take over our lives... but enough about the cat!"

When that tumor started growing out of his gums, I was worried, but now that it's grown into the shape of a comfy chair, I'm thinking we could just skip the surgery, which is expensive anyway.

"Oh, this is interesting: did you know that a dog's penis stays locked to a bitch during intercourse?"


"You haven't lived until you've passed through the large intestine of a cartoon-ishly large dog."

"How cute - you both cross you legs in the same way. I guess dogs do begin to resemble their owners. Fag."

"He ate the 'Dog Whisperer.' Any more bright ideas?"

"Roger, you are such a douche.... and by the way, you are sitting on the giant dog's tail".

"I may be blind and reading a braille book... but blaming your farts on a giant dog??!... you are the big sick puppy!"

"Okay, I am tired of running with the big dogs."

"What's new? Well, 2 things. Your mother came by this afternoon and the dog started humping her leg... and ...oh yeah, her funeral is Wednesday."

"That's not the dog that time!"

In Blefescu, we prefer our dogs to eat the chair from the large end.

I don't think I'll be trying "the old peanut butter trick" with this dog.

"So... I hear you just LOVE telling everyone at work that you have to go home to the 'big bitch', don't you?"

"Yeah, like that!!... When you hold your face in that 'holier-than-thou' condesending manner it looks like you have no mouth!"

"My first husband? Rover humped him and used him as a chew toy, then buried him in the back yard. But I am through grieving and feel I can move forward in this relationship."

"Tom, the dog ate our shoes again."

"Honey, I want you to brace yourself. Jenny has something she'd like to tell you . . . but can't because my giant dog ate all three of your kids while you were at work, including Jenny."

"We need to get a tan... We are so freakin' pale!"

"You didn't notice the huge dog? You are so inattentive, Phil. It took you 3 weeks to notice I only had one leg!"

"Ha-ha! My chair is SO NOT FLOATING anymore!"

"Can anyone find me a pen that writes?!"

"...there's Cathy who's lived most everywhere, from Zanzibar to a dog mouth chair....."

"You're going to need a bigger newspaper than that, don't you think?"

"I said artificial insemination would be easier, not easy; and yes the wetsuit was on sale."

“He likes to sniff your crotch, huh? You should see what he does to mine.”

"This is really boring. I'm taking him over to Vick's."

This is the last time we're dog sitting when the Bonds go on holiday.

"This apartment would seem so much larger if we got rid of you."

"The orthodontist thinks Dylan might need braces. Also, the Thompsons invited us over for dinner on Saturday, but I remembered that's the night we have Caitlin's recital to go to, so I called them back and suggested we do it sometime next week. How was your day?"

I hate this fucking dog.

"I'd invite Barbie and Ken over, but it seems we already have a play date."

"Fuck, Daniel! You can ignore me and you can even ignore rover, but YOU CAN NEVER IGNORE YOUR BLOG!"

"A quiet evening... Televisiion turned off...reading... intimate conversation..... GOD WILL THIS WRITER'S STRIKE EVER END!!?"

"The dog drank the pool water again today... and I mean he drank the POOL WATER!"

"Anyone... beside the dog...feel like burying a bone later?"

"Honey, have you noticed that the puppy we rescued from the animal lab seems to have grown astonishingly quickly. Perhaps whatever they tested on him could be used on penises. If so, maybe we could start a little online business. Do you think people would ever respond to an email of that sort? Anyway, that hardly matters. Emails so cheap, we could send millions and millions every day."

Honey, he's showing lipstick again. I believe it's your turn.

"Do you think we could send him back to The New Yorker and ask for the dog that throws his own stick instead?"

We've outgrown this apartment. Can't you ask your boss for a raise?

I don't care if he was your college roommate, we've got to stop going to Jason Giambi's vet for Sparky's shots.

I pray that there's a cure for canine gigantism.

"Like her,Stanley? She's huge!...Know what makes her?...A 'huge bitch.' Just like what you called me in front of our friends when I told you to stop making a god-damned ass of yourself. Now you can live with a REAL 'huge bitch.' How's that strike you, Stanley?"

"Honey, have you seen the cat?"

"I AM looking natural! You're the one who doesn't look natural. Anyway, for all your wife knows, I'm just the babysitter. She won't suspect a thing. ... Wait, that's not a talking dog, is it?"

"Yes, he chews on the furniture, but having a big dog makes me feel safe when you're away. That's been really important to me ever since the rape."

(Same caption entry as two weeks ago - what does it matter?)

“He can do things with his tongue you can only dream of, Bob.”

Howzis? "All right, have it your way -- you heard a giant Sealyham bark."

Holy fuck, I'm tripping *balls*! Dude, there's like . . . this *huge* dog, like . . .

OK, first, the Iowa caucuses aren't the last word on anything. And second, just because Bill Kristol invents some nonsense like the Big Red Dog Republicans doesn't mean that . . . ahhh, wha tha . . . gig gig behind you, gig . . .

I read in Entertainment Weekly that ABC's stockpile of wrapped "Cavemen" episodes was the most of any non-animated broadcast network sitcom heading into the strike. Now I realize that Christmas and New Year's fell on Tuesdays. But now, what the hell are they waiting for? My God, maybe the show couldn't have prevailed in the cage match, but it can damn well win a no-show forfeit. Throw it against the completely blank wall, it'll stick.

"Here boy. Here boy. Fetch the stick. Fetch the stick. Fetch the fucking stick that is jammed into my foot, probably requiring immediate medical attention. Fetch boy."

"Actually by the 800 lb dog in the room I didn't mean China's looming world domination but, yeah, I'm kind of worried about being swallowed whole by that, too."

"It's a matter of physics, Roger. A dog that size would have to have proportionally thicker bones to support it's bulk and thinner ears, like an elephant, so they wouldn't just rip themselves off the head. It would look very different from a normal sized dog. Alternatively people as small as you suggest would be drowned or burst as soon as they attempted to drink because of the viscosity and capillary action of water. You can't simply shrink or grow things without taking these sorts of things into account."

"I meant to tell you, Kim Jong Il called again. He's upped to 7 million but still won't offer more than 1.2 before delivery. But after that kraut with the rabbits I don't trust him."

"Fuck that, let's sell the house and live alone in the dog."

"See, I told you he'd finally grow into his paws."

"No, he's NOT his own best friend. He's YOUR best friend. So stop quoting those stupid New Yorker cartoon captions and take him for a walk, you pretentious, lazy douche!"

"A giant dog with an S&M choker? Hell yeah I'm turned on! Put down that newspaper and take me now!"

Are you satisfied? Now the dog has ennui, too.

"I miss getting mail."

"I was the one who took down the red drapes, fixed the window and got rid of the bull- YOU deal with the giant dog."

"Our dog is big."

"Listen, hun, this is 2008. It's my body and I can do what I want with it. If you can't deal, just leave."

"You're right. Rosie O'Donnell isn't the biggest dog in the world."

That dog is unusually large when compared to the other items in the room.

"I can't keep dealing with this; I've told you a thousand times he's yours."

"Hey, at least we can slice him open and live inside if the heat goes out like in that Star Trek movie. Star Wars, I'm sorry, don't have a cow."

I'm pretty sure my secret Santa was either Bob from accouting or Jeff Koons.

"If I weren't dyslexic I'd tell that god to get the hell out of here."

Well, I guess it's true what they say... you know, "Marmaduke has a bizarre ironic cult following."

"Look, there's no reason to get upset. He's just doing what all dogs do: get featured in New Yorker cartoons."

"When you're done with the Times op-ed page, slide it under the dog. I want to send them a little something to show how I feel about Bill Kristol."

Have you seen my diaphragm?

Dog? I don't know what you're talking about. Wait, before I continue... you've never seen Gaslight , have you?

"The dog ate Timmy, and by inference, his homework too."

"Fluffy is so cute when he curls up in front of the fireplace. Now go get the space heater.

"This giant ceramic dog is so ugly. There, I said it. And while I'm at it, I hate the entire canine motif you designed the home around. I really want to redecorate the house. I just don't like it doggy style."

"We really need an ottoman. Also, a floor."

"Yes, I appreciate that Gold Toe socks have set the standard for quality for over 75 years. But that doesn't mean they don't make you look gay."

"Are those assholes from Ripley's Believe It Or Not ever going to show up? They said they'd be here two hours ago. I've got fucking dry cleaning to drop off!"

"What should we name him? Now keep in mind our house is already a Mystery Spot."

"So, was the woman giving away the dog like 50 feet tall or something?"

I think you've blown the whole pet issue completely out of proportion.

"I love to curl up and read a good– Oh my god a huge dog is eating my chair! Call 911! Call 911!"

"Before we had the dog, of all the things I miss, I miss my left leg the most. Yeah. Definitely the left leg. And my innocence."

"Honey, could you move your foot away from my coffee? That's just disgusting."

"Honey, it's your turn to pooper scooper. I'm busy reading this large piece of paper with grayish splotches on it."

"No sudden movements," thought Janice. "Richard might want to have sex tonight."

"I think I'll call former trainer Brian McNamee and order more of his special biscuits for Roger here. While I'm at it, do you want anything for yourself, big boy?"

"...and then there was this one ad from an enormous hooker who was giving away her dog because she had a feeling her pimp was going to shoot her and then cover up his tracks by leaving the gun in a far-away desert inhabited by cavemen, and then there would be no one to take care of the dog. I felt bad, so I went ahead and adopted him. It's amazing what you can find on craigslist."

"Honey, I blew up the dog. And blew your best friend."

"I never felt comfortable talking about this before, but I'm glad we finally did something about the 800-pound gorilla."

"I'm reading the New Yorker Rejection Collection. Somehow that seems appropriate right now."

I can understand getting a big dog. Fine, whatever. But a RETARDED big dog? What the hell were you thinking bitch?

"Have you seen the kids?"

"I dunno, did you check under the dog?"

Ellen DeGeneres wants it back.

"I get the dog, but whoever tried to write 'cat' behind the chair can't spell"

"No, you're smelling the CAJ he crapped."

"Oh for God's Sake, yes! You DO look like Clark Kent."

I've got a flea bite on my ass the size of a silver dollar.

"Giant Michael Vick called. He wants his dog back."

What's six letters for "large pet" that rhymes with "fig bog?"

"So Costco sells puppys. Who knew?"

"When I used to take him to the park, people would always laugh at us because he was such a big dog. Were you one of those people, Gary?"

Ok. Seriously, that time it was the dog. I swear.

"Mixed signals? What mixed signals? I'm doing a fucking crossword puzzle you horny bastard!"

"I'd like to sit facing front like a normal adultp, but there's no room for my feet with you taking up all the room, not to mention our SECOND giant dog in FRONT of our chairs."

"Veni vidi atsa-one-ah-beeg-ah-pooch o-leevio!"

Honey, can you get me the aspirin? I just leaned forward and speared my eye on a whisker. The pain is unbearable.

Let's move into his crate. It's roomier.

Oh I get it...we sit on HIS lap!

What are you compensating for?

It's "Dianetics." Cornel West loaned it to me.

"Sure it's a setback, but you need to keep things in perspective. Like the lamp and my chair, and unlike the dog and your chair."

"I've never seen one so big before, Bob, and size DOES matter."

"'Cute' multiplied by 10 is not 10 times as cute! It's like rain on your wedding day, damnit."

"If he sneezes, I'm calling Euthanasia-Haul."

"Sparky looks bored, honey. Why don't you get the medieval catapult, or trebuchet, out of the garage so he can play fetch with the giant ball?"

"Aaagh! The pink thing, it returns! Roger! Quick! The tennis racket! The tennis racket!"

"It is big. It's the biscuits that got small."

"When did you ever hear me complain of your dog ?! It's your 'dogs' that stink !"

"Oh, only some fantasy, dear. Let's just say, The Call of the Wild, and keep it at that-- for The New Yorker's sake."

"Well, he's here. Should we show him what the little puppy done?"

"Yes...but won't this just encourage the common house-cat to become larger and larger,as we have seen instances of in other, rival species during our mutual readings in Darwin--so much so that all human life on earth might possibly someday become endangered, if not actually extinct ?! I appeal to the enlightened understanding of someone like you, dearest, who reads THE NEW YORK TIMES every day of his life !"

"I grant you,dear-- but just suppose 'the dog flea' ever somehow COULD make a successful transition to a human host ?!"

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