December 17, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #127

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


Honestly, I didn't read a single entry this time. Let's call it a 200-way tie.

Honorable mention chose by guest judge Mo Buck

My cone isn't truncated. (groan)

"Well, we're not allowed to use waterboarding anymore."

I thought it might be funny like if some random passerby were to come by, it may look like somebody had fallen through but besides that, no, there's no reason I made the whole in the shape of a man.

Why, I'm fishing for the elusive double-tailed splay-finned Canadian muskellunge, of course.

"Yep. Harry was a man of his word. He said that the moment he came across the world's biggest thimble he would end it all in a particularly odd -- yet efficient -- fashion."

We are going to play a trust building game. Please stand at the base of my ice hole and raise your hands perpendicular to the ground.

"The fishing's not so good, but just to be at the place where the Universal Product Code was invented is well worth the trip."

"He wants to call it a 200 way tie. Let's see how he feels about that when I pull him back up."

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Yeah, it won't last long and I have no idea whether anyone else will see it, but honestly, can you think of a better way to pay tribute to Keith Haring?

"Yes, I am attempting to recover the body of last July's drowning victim. Why do you ask?"

I'll be careful...

You'll be dead...

I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Seriously. Did I cast my buddy in there? Did he fall in through the ice? Do I think I can pull him out through a hole that is exactly his size, even though that would be impossible unless he comes out in the exact same direction that he went in? I mean, seriously, what the fuck??? You'd better ask Dd, because I haven't got a goddamned clue.

"Couldn't hurt. I tried catching fish through a hole shaped like my initials for a week, and not a bite."

"Well, as a wife she was a cheating bitch, but as bait she's awesome."

"You wanted to try bungee jumping? We don't do bungee jumping around here."

"and so the hunter becomes the hunted..."

"ah yes, and man be both a tame and a wild animal, who may be hunted either by force or persuasion ..."

"sophism my friend...the real question is, how are we going to explain this to Doris?"

My son drowned in these waters three years ago today. . . Why do you ask?"

"Have you seen 'Enchanted?'"

"Et in Arcadia, buddy, et in Arcadia. Hey, you want a beer?"

"Well, we're not allowed to use waterboarding anymore."

"If they don't bite here, I'm going to try those hand-shaped holes over there."


"I find the "Ice Angel" method very effective."

"I used to love her,
but I had to kill her
I used to love her,
(ooooooh, yeah)
but I had to kill her
She bitched so much
She drove me nuts
And now I'm happier this way."

We are going to play a trust building game. Please stand at the base of my ice hole and raise your hands perpendicular to the ground.

"Smirnoff Ice reminds you: drink responsibly."

"The fishing's not so good, but just to be at the place where the Universal Product Code was invented is well worth the trip."

"Nope, nothin' yet. You?"

My cone isn't truncated. (groan)

In Soviet Union, ice fishes on you.

"My wife just had her last meltdown."

"I cut off his hands before I murdered him by smashing him through the ice."

"It's amazing how thin they can make air tubes these days. And modern diving suits are so well insulated, you can swim in freezing water for up to an hour with no ill effects! It's really quite remarkable."

"The cops left a chalk outline of some dead guy, so I used it as a guide."

"He fell off his bucket and froze to death. I'm going to reel him into a standing position and put his gloves back on."

“Monica was such a bore, but a very good bore at that.”

"He was an ice hole when he was alive and he's an ice hole now he's dead. That's a serious fargin' ice hole."

"Fish and plankton and proteins from the sea!"

"I've been out here for two months. This ice hole is my only friend. And sometimes...more than just a friend."

Good one TG Gibbon! But it should have been..."Christ, what an ice-hole"

"I think it was Steve Fossett - why?"

"He mumbled something about the ice being too thin to support more than one angler and then told me, 'I am just going outside and may be some time.' I wonder where he went?"

Why, I'm fishing for the elusive double-tailed splay-finned Canadian muskellunge, of course.

"Watch your step."

"Of all the things I could be doing right now, this actually makes the most sense. Just think about it."

"As usual, I fish for scale."

"He saw the anglefish and the seahorse over there, frozen in the ice, and he yelled 'Tropical fish - in Michigan!', and dived right in. That was about 20 minutes ago ... ; think I should pull him up?"

"Here at Lake Winnipesaukee we can't afford to lose even one potential primary voter."

"The hours here are piscine."

"I'm a fisher of men."

"It's a manhole."

"My wife? Haven't seen her. My alibi is that I was fishing when she disappeared."

"Walk on water? Turns out the guy couldn't even walk on ice!"

"I told him that for thin ice, your best bet is to be lying down, to distribute your weight over as much ice as possible. Then just as he went through I yelled, 'PSYCH!'"

"Holy crap, what was that, an explosion? An earthquake? An avalanche? Well, whatever it was sent us flying straight upward like this, along with the little house and my fishing dummy, and the most important thing now is to remain completely frozen in place. Or, more like, frozen in space. Heh. Get it?"

"He said, 'Patience, my ass; I'm going to kill something.' Then he dove in."

"I just caught a polar bear."

"Warden, he saw you walking up, yelled, 'Jeez, I don't have a license!', and went right in."


"The anglers here...

...can be very mean."

...like to let off steam."

...make their own ice cream."

...put in hours that are just obscene."

"I don't know, it just amuses me."

"Hey fudgesicle, you crazy bastard! How the hell are you?"

"I told him not to try to do a woodcut on a sheet of ice."

"I said, 'Do a snow angel, not a snow devil.' Get it? It looks like he melted through. Or would 'snow anvil' have been funnier? Oy, it's too soon, isn't it?"

Rrrrgh! Too much molasses in this gingerbread man! Can't...pull it...up!

"Hi. Meet my friend, Highly Reflective Tarbaby Q. McGillicuddy."

"If you stand there while I reel him up a bit, he will give you the coldest blow job you've ever had."

"I'm just ice-fishing in the hole left by Garrison Keillor's body. It's what he would have wanted."

"The hours here are quite short. Hours of daylight, that is. Because we're near the Arctic Circle."

"No, no, officer. It's like a Necker cube thing. Stare at it long enough and your perspective will flip. Then you'll realize it's actually a cardboard cutout of a breakdancer, which I'm manipulating on the end of this string."

Either T or Cube will do. I'm not picky.

Pretty good. So far, I've caught two gloves and a bucket.

So, what do you think Sven? An Al Gore global warming joke or a tried and true "master baiter" quip? I'm too cold to decide.

Be careful: the ice is pretty thin.

After he cost me the hearing in my left ear and the chance to go to college, let's just say I'm no hurry to pull Harry out this time.

"What, you don't think it looks like an accident?"

Nor am I IN a hurry to pull Harry out this time. hee haw

"Mike's dead"

Uh, this is a crime scene, pal. You want to back off so we can do our job?

Well, Jerry's a goner, but I still I might be able to rescue the Shriner and the duck who left those footprints.

"You a cop?"

"He fell through the ice and I couldn't save him. But I'm not one to dwell on the past."

"Damn, Arkady, that guy meant it when he said he wasn't going to jail!"

"A skydiver? No, I think I would have noticed something like that."

"Actually, his last request was for me to shut-the-fuck-up."

"Are they biting? Why don't you ask my dead friend."

"Hello, I'm Brian Vander Ark, lead singer of the Verve Pipe. You may remember us from our nineties hit, "The Freshmen."

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
We never talk of our lack in relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbin' with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
And I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

Anyway, you probably thought the line about falling through the ice was a metaphor. It wasn't."

[Edit: extend italics to 2nd and 3rd stanzas of song quotation.]

“And then, well..., I guess Lydia's parachute didn’t open.”

“And then, well..., I guess Lydia's parachute didn’t open.”

"You've never truly fished until you've fished man."

(w/apologies to Jesse Ventura)

Thanks John T.!!

When you extend the italics to 2nd and 3rd stanzas it really is a lot funnier!

"If you give a fish a man, you feed him for a day. Teach a fish to man and you... Shit I think I got that wrong! Harry, come back!!!!!"

"I got the stencil from

"Made a hole...looked like an arm....finished the arm..made another arm...made a body....needed a head, right?...made a head...was never good at legs...tried it anyway...not too bad, huh?

“ No, I haven’t seen your wife. The water’s too dark.”

"Just worms. Why do you ask?"

"I told him not to try making a snow angel."

"He was way too big to be out here. Look at the size of his gloves, for Christ's sake!"

"I'd gotten a hooker to for our trip, and she was a hot piece of ass!."

"It's a Sicilian mesage. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes."

"It's a Canadian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes, eh?"

"It's a Minnesotan message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes, you betcha."

I thought it might be funny like if some random passerby were to come by, it may look like somebody had fallen through but besides that, no, there's no reason I made the whole in the shape of a man.

"I was showin' him that 'Two Girls One Cup' video on my cell phone and, by golly, there he went. Yah, it's sad and all, but it beats the hell out of chainsawin' a hole through the ice."

"I dare you to say that stripped naked and drowning."

“She was “my everything” which included the auger.”

"Quick! Help me hold this giant shark fin that has broken through the ice!"

"Hey, is that a stainless steel Ambassadeur Record with the Sensi-Brake Spool Bearing? Or are you just happy to see me? Ha! Hey, where's Mike?"

"Hi, I'm writing a trend piece on the ostensible increase in people-shaped ice fishing for the TIMES. Any chance that hole was made by an attractive forty-something career woman and mother from the upper-east side caught between competing dreams? Or an underage sex slave?

Uh, I'm the Spool joke guy. Sorry.

PS. That's not a caption, it's an explanation of an above mistake.

PPS. Ha! It is a caption, so and so is the PS. below it!

PPPS. Unless that's not funny. Is that not funny? Alright, forget it, I'm deleting this whole entry and not hitting POST.

"I was just sitting here fishing with Gumby and he starts talking trash. So I tell him to fuck off, and he takes off his gloves and flips me the bird, saying 'Up yours, dammit!' Then I smack him down, he falls in (through a Gumbimorphic ice hole, in true cartoon fashion) and now I feel bad. Do you know if clay dissolves in cold water?"

"Funny thing. He fell off the bucket, but he didn't kick the bucket."

"These days it's getting harder and harder to scare up a good three-on-three b-ball game."

"I think the last thing he said was that the money was buried under 'a big W'."

"Sure, he came to take a pea. And then, just like we planned, I kicked him in the icehole. But Jim, I think what we really need is a bear trap."

"Yep. Harry was a man of his word. He said that the moment he came across the world's biggest thimble he would end it all in a particularly odd -- yet efficient -- fashion."

"Remember to take your hands out of your pockets if someone comes; I of course will quit fishing."

"He said his name was Hoffa - thats Jimmy Hoffa, and he would rather sleep with the humans!"

"It was another one of those weeks. Please get started without me."

"...so I ended up writing 'take' instead of 'the.' I guess I was just trying too hard to take the cake. Hang on, I think somebody's biting."

"Veni vidi grumpy old o-leevio!"

"Yep- I lost my woman to the lake, and now I got nothing left to do but sing the blues...and ice-fish."

"I tried, but I couldn't fit Peg into a round hole."

Hut go over hole, Nanook.

CSI: Frozen fucking lake in Minnesota.

"That's why you sit on your bucket. So the pike don't shoot your balls off."

"Any guesses what happened to the first person that told me, 'the hut goes over the hole'?"

"So it turns out that ice fishing, in and of itself, is not the stupidest thing that Minnesotans do."

"A man on fire?"....can't say that I have, officer".

"I do not know why the nude snow angel you modeled
for fell through the ice. Maybe if you would have given me some help....but no, that's too much too ask. I though I captured you quite nicely, but we may never know, because you're the delicate model, and can't lift a finger."

"Larry, you've always been known for your practical jokes. And now that you've pushed Hal into the lake to freeze to death, you'll be known for your impractical jokes too. Ha ha."

Are those your gloves by the bucket?

"He wanted to make me a 'fisher of men.'"

"I'm fishing for soul."

"Never take a prostitute fishing. She's bound to mouth off at some point and require a bitch-slap to Davey Jones' locker."

"Call 911, I think I just seriously injured a fish!"

"Bad day...just a few small fish and one big frozen Ginger Bread Man cookie!"

"For shark."

My asshole, I mean ice hole, is a perfect fit for you. Whoops, don't Freudian slip on the ice! (pratfall)

"I would tell you a joke, but the ice will crack up! Get it? It's a pu -Oh god! The ice is cracking! We are going to die a frigid, ironic death!"

"I enjoy ice fishing through a hole shaped similar to you. Does that make you uncomfortable?"

where's my fucking bojangles biscuit asshole?!

" The Compleat Angler, hell ! More like a completed angler, to my way of thinking !"

"Modest, myself. Went in to piss. Larry, I guess he couldn't hold it."

"Never seen 'flounders' in these parts, stranger....They go straight down."

"You take Wood's Hole, now. They got us beat with all that there underwater gadgetry, so no one is factoring in Higginbottom's enthusiasm."

"I told Pete once, I told him a hundred times, said, "Pete, don't you be napping with those there battery-power, new-fangled L.L. Bean 'longjohns' on you,now don't be doing it, Pete....."

"I'm trying to catch a giant amoeba."

"Dunno, but he sure had a wide stance."

"It's very important to always wear your gloves when ice fishing - because if you forget to wear your gloves, your hands may freeze to the rod and reel, and then if a huge fish strikes, you won't be able to let go, and then you could be dragged through the ice to a watery grave. And that's why it's important to always wear your gloves when ice fishing. - Although why anyone would think this might make a good New Yorker cartoon is beyond me."

Good thing you got out safely.

"Why, that's not a hole, mister. That there is Tiny Man Lake, and it's my turn to fish. You're not from around here, are you?"

"If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it,
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.
Ice, ice baby.
Ice, ice baby."

Winning caption: "My home was burglarized by three dolphins and a manta ray, and I need Aquaman's help."

Winning anti-caption: "I said I was going ass-fishing, not ice-fishing!"

Original caption: "This is how we Québécois find wives."

He had the car keys so I'm trying to survive. Mind giving me a ride back to town?

Yes, I'm sure I don't have a bite. Mind your fucking business.

Coming soon:

Good friend, yes, but better bait.

"We're gathered here to honor his dying words: 'Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit on an upside-down bucket on a frozen lake drinking beer all winter...'"

"If the gloves don't fit, you must acquit."

"Bill never listens. Last summer, he sawed himself off a tree limb."

"I thought I needed a little chum, but then I remembered that was for shark fishin', but then I remembered we weren't that tight anyway."

"You know how that crazy Norwegian was always getting 'falling on his face drunk'"

"My only regret is that there weren't any cameras around when it happened. I mean, with all them Bloopers shows and YouTube and all."


"I'm trying to catch a fish that's shaped exactly like a human guy."

I happen to like gingerbread fish

"The hole is from my friend, Steve. He died skating on thin ice. By that, I mean he was a serial killer who got careless and the cops shot him."

"It's cool -- fish don't believe we feel pain either."

"Two bays diverged in a snowy range,2)Where,uncertain,puzzled which to 'cast',3)I chose the left, leaving a pal to th' right--4)When, doubting his native craft,fore-thinking 5)His imm'nent harm--;still deeming th'left right 6)(More scenic far, then too !),my track trailed trail of his 7)Where often -lo !- his weight 'd struck 'most through .....8)..Damned FROST ! Pass me those freakin' gloves, man ! Jeez, 9) My mitts are, like,'froze' as friggin' boards !

"Yeah, well, all you need is a coping saw. The sight of it brings the piranhas up from the bottom. And also, you need some warm human flesh for bait -- like a couple of hands, or something like that."

"Supertramp. What are you listening to?"

"I insisted global warming had made the ice was thin enough to fall through, but really I had cut holes on the spot. "

"Take two more steps forward. Ha ha! Very good! Simon says take two more steps forward."

Well let's just say that drinking and standing too close to the kerosene heater didn't work out well for old Zeke. He was a good chum... now he's just chum.

"Who knew the Secretary of the Interior was such a klutz?"

It's my brother-in-law--he likes being bait. And guess where I tied the string...

"Survivor Nome... the tribe has spoken"

"So then I double-dog-dared him to do a Belly-Flop on the ice..."

"So then I said, "This sucks... I'm going to kill something", and just sorta got carried away."

"That jacket is slimming on you. Bob drowned."

"How do I stay warm you ask? (Farts.) That's how I stay warm!"

"Yeah, I killed him. Every year at the winter solstice I kill someone to appease the elder gods in order to stop the days from getting shorter and to bring back the light."

"It's a body of water."

"Aw jeez, I think I'm snagged on an aorta."

"You obviously need a pair of gloves and are interested in a sport where where you can fish through a man-shaped hole in the ice. Well isn't this your lucky day?"

Revenge is a fish best served cold.

If there's a problem
Yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook
While my DJ revolves it

[Ice, ice baby
Beware the ice, ice baby]

Pull him out. This should be enough to cool down his fever.

"It's actually better than it looks: he put up quite a fight, despite my insistence that water deaths are, traditionally, the most noble passings."

“My fishing buddy is Johnny Fuckin’ Storm, yo!”

“Hello. My name is Ray. I am a homicide detective who is fishing for clues.”

“Watch. I’ll yank out his heart in a minute!”

"You still don't get it, do you? Rick's dead! And we're next if we don't get out of here."

A man could freeze to death under this ice.

"Go tell Lassie that Timmy fell in the lake."

"She arose from the lake, bearing aloft the sword Excalibur, seeking to grant it to the one she deemed worthy to wield it. Anyway, she left this hole in the ice at her emergence, and I figured what the Hell."

"Where have all the young men gone? Long time ago. Where have all the young men gone? Gone for soldiers every one,
when will they ever learn?"

"You? *You're* the best that PETA could come up with? Well, off with the clothes, then."

Good friend. Better bait.

"Dammit! Do I have to say 'heads down' every time I cast?!"

"You should head back to town. It's gonna be getting dark soon. And by 'dark', I mean I'm going to kill another hostage from the shed."

"Hey I am bored. Let's do something else."

"I'm thinking now that that wasn't such a good spot to tase the guy. I mean, I'm not even getting nibbles here."

"I think I am getting a NIPPLE... Get it. Nibble-nipple??!.... Okay, you're next!"


"Okay, you said to make a hole the size of a manhole. You didn't say to make a round hole."

He slipped and fell.

Thanks for getting here so fast. I need someone else to pull the hooks out now.

I'm sure he'd want you to have his gloves.

Zed's in the shed, baby.

"Why not Bil Keane?"

I'm agreeing that the tiger shark at the nearby aquarium who devoured a human handler last year is one dangerous mofo. I'm disagreeing that it would be even remotely possible for it to somehow escape its tank, get into this lake, and come roaring up through this ice-hole to chew up our asses. I mean, that'd have to be the baddest, bloodthirstiest . . . wha the . . . AAAAGGGGHHH . . . OH GOD!!!

DUI? Adjustable-rate mortgage foreclosure/bankruptcy? Priest sex abuse scandal? Don't just go fishing for an unfrozen caveman lawyer. Call 877-CIROC-UG.

"What happens on a frozen lake in Maine stays on a frozen lake in Maine. Wanna hit the shed for some guiltless, gay sex?"

"Two yanks on the line means he's finished having sex with the Little Mermaid."

"I miss the excitement, but until I build at least one more floor, I'll have to refrain myself from base jumping."

"I would pulled it out or drowned trying, but I let it go about a mile from here, realising it was a submarine."

"Hang on, I've almost got the heart...damn it! This sucks, next time I vote we play giant ice scrabble instead."

"Are you here for the Polar Bear Suicide Club?"

It's not that the ice here is too thin, he was just too fat.

"He was fucking my ice hole a little too vigorously."

Actually the hole was here when we arrived. The guys from JACKASS THE MOVIE had been filming a scene where some guy covered with burning tar gets launched from a catapult machine.

"He was this weird guy from Brooklyn who ran some kinda anti-caption contest."

"I've been feeling kind of down ever since my boy Tony was killed in Iraq a couple of months back. We used to come out here to fish sometimes, you know? He was just a kid - would have turned 21 this January. Oh well."

Special New Year's Eve entry:

I have a pizza for I.C. Wiener.

"What if cod was one of us?"

It could be D.B. Cooper. And his loot could be down there.

I tied!

He wants to call it a 200 way tie. let's see how he feels about that when i pull him back up.

My mother says I tie every week.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2