November 19, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #123

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

This week's prize: A signed copy of Regret the Error. (Winner must provide a working e-mail address and not have won anything from this site in the last 30 days. If winner isn't eligible, prize will go to the top finalist.)


"Remember how you said Frank Miller and Gary Larson would never collaborate?" —A Silly Mus Musculus

“Pleasantville is much more colorful since we started having sex.” —Deborah

"Oh, dear, a rapist." —Francis

Honorable mention
"Wow, look at his reaction to that red curtain. I guess even in this evolved-cow alternate universe of ours, some things never change." —Ed C

"Elsie, don't turn around and startle him, but I want you to reach slo-o-o-owly under the chair and pull out the pneumatic stunner, turn to your left and put a bolt of compressed air into his forehead." —Ernest

"My milkshake brings all the bulls through the shards." —mypalmike

Posted by Daniel Radosh


“Pleasantville is much more colorful since we started having sex.”

“What’s black and white and red all over? A New Yorker cartoon.”

"Veni vidi ole-o-leevio!"

I believe you're looking for the china shop, which is two doors down. This is a Starbucks.

"Fusilli, you crazy bull! We thought you were out shopping for china!"

"And just look at us: Two cows sipping tea, plain as day! No one would have believed it possible just 20 years ago. What a world . . . next thing you know they'll be running color cartoons in the New Yorker's Caption Contest."

"Ferdinand, you've broken our window again! I sincerely hope that you Regret the Error!"

Jeez, why can't you use the door like everyone else? What, were you raised in a barn?

That's a lot of bull, and yes, I am cowed. I could go on like this for-heifer!

"He's mad because he wasn't raised by a pack of human beings."

"The glowers here are Holstein."

"You'd be upset too, Delores, if you were reeling from management turnover and billions of loses due to bets on sub prime mortgages."

"He's been this way ever since my udder reduction procedure."

" A river of blood flowing down the wall...cattle with mad cow disease...last week we had flies and locusts. Why doesn't Pharoah just let the damn Jews go already?"

"That's Gary Larson's lawyer. We seem to have violated some copyright on cartoon cows behaving anthropomorphically."

Whatever Gary Larson would say

"Putting those drapes up was stupid. It's like waving a red flag in front of a bull."

"Oh, dear, a rapist."

"Yes, holiday season makes me a little nervous...you?"

"Of course, but I try to set realistic expectations for myself for the season and prioritize important activities."

Oh well, you have to pace yourself and remember - the holiday season does not banish reasons for feeling sad or lonely; there is room for these feelings to be present, even if the person chooses not to express them."

"That's very sensible dear."

"Charlene, I thought I told you to install that Bull-proof glass."

"Oh, dear! First the slaughterhouse upstairs drills a drainage hole in its floor, now a broken window! I tell you, Meredith, we were better off living in the barn."

"Of course, being colorblind, Harvey would not have charged at the curtain unless there was movement. Did you fart?"

"Doesn't sitting like this hurt you udders? I feel like I'm about to explode."

"Don't mind him. That's just the claims adjuster checking out the window some vandals broke yesterday. Looks like he doesn't like the look of things."

"Oh my God! He's violated the restraining order again. The police can't protect me. He's going to kill me just like he said he would!"

"If we can sit in chairs and hold teacups in our hooves, why can't he just open the window like a normal person?"

"Every week it is the same thing. When will he learn we aren't going to start lez-ing out during tea."

"One lesbian tryst and he'll never trust you again."

"Mind if I use your milk in my tea? I'm all out at the moment."

"The Merrill Lynch bull is still pissed off about that CEO they just fired, meanwhile Starbucks same-store traffic is down for the first time ever and this kind of vandalism is certainly not helping anyone."

"That Merrill Lynch bull is such a motherfucker. He lost $9 billion dollars on subprime mortgages and the best he can say is he 'regrets the error.'"

"I'm afraid you'll just have to wait till after tea, Mr. Horny."

"The glowers here are bovine."

(apologies to junior)

Red window treatments give you buuull!

"Umm...[Nervous giggle]...Ole!"

"Hi, Burt!" "Sharon."

"Dammit, you know I don't like milk in my Darjeeling, you silly fat cow."

"Yes, I know it's not a china shop, are you trying to crush my creativity?"

You think this is mad cow disease? You ain't seen nothing yet baby."

MISTER Borden I take it?

Clarabel, what's the deal with the big red toothbrush by the window? Who do you think you are, Claes Fucking Oldenburg? And what's with the formaldehyde-preserved bull outside the window? Who do you think you are, Damien Fucking Hirst? And the farm scenes on the wall -- you think you're Grant Fucking Wood?


"He's just lashing out because he's jealous of our anthropomorphism."

"Back from the china shop already, dear?"

"Oh, he's all horned up from the Liquid Viagra. Where were we?"

"Damn it! We jumped through the window to get away from this asshole!"

"Fucking Martha Stewart and her pretentious color names! Tyrian Purple my ass!"

Yeah I know its lame, but did you see when he smashed that glass, freakin awesome!

" "

"Sorry Lillian, but he can be fanatical about amateur attempts at feng shui."

Heyyyy...he finally removed that stupid nose ring!

He's upset because I want to pierce my udders.

"I'm getting sick of his macho bullshit."

"Personally, I find this new use of color in the caption contest highly refreshing. Unfortunately, for Angus, it's like a red rag to a bull."

Serves me right for marrying a Taurus.


These curtains are killing me, and that bull represents an even more direct threat to my well-being.


"Well it's been lovely chatting, but it appears I'm late for my insemination."

I guess it was a mistake putting up those curtains. Since they are red. And we are cows. And bulls like to have sex with us. And the popular myth is that red things make bulls angry.

"One more things, Elsie. I promised Angus I'd ask if you were interested in a threesome."

"If he wasn't hung like a horse, I'd have left him years ago."

Oh, look. It's that cretin bull.

"We've been having marital trouble lately. He wants Harold, Jr., to get a job, but I think we should let him be veal if it makes him happy."

"No, it isn't because of the red drapes. This leather living room set used to be his mother."

"Excuse me, Audrey, I have to go. Every time he looks at that new FoxNewsPorn website he insists on showing me his Bull O'Reilly Factor."

"Remember, Milicent, the safe word is 'shishkebab.'"

That's the final straw. I don't care how much a vial of his semen is worth, we're having him castrated.

I pray that there's a cure for mad cow disease.

"Well don't you just love the curtains? My interior designer says they'll bring the most wonderful energy and feng shui into the ro--SWEET MOSES, Bernard, did you forget to take your valium this morning??"

I told him not to eat the guacamole at the Guernseys' potluck. I knew it had bone fragments and brain matter contamination. But he wouldn't listen, and he's been uncharacteristically angry ever since.

If Manuel Martínez where still alive he would cut off your balls and stretch them into canes. Now get your hide in hear and clean up this glass before I stick this tea cup up your ass.

Voice-over: Coming this December. Cow Pleasantville. Only in theaters.

Elsie, don't turn around and startle him, but I want you to reach slo-o-o-owly under the chair and pull out the pneumatic stunner, turn to your left and put a bolt of compressed air into his forehead.

"He is deeply angered because your display of menstrual fluids is considered haraam. But you needn't worry...we are all sure to have our throats sliced very soon, inshallah!"

"Wow, the magical colored drape really did attract a bull! Now we can finally get laid! By which I mean have sex -- nothing to do with chickens, despite the fact that we're farm animals."

You'll do Lobelia.

"Uh-oh. It looks like your husband found my giant fruit rollup."

"Broken windows are nothing, Bernice. The worst part is he shits all over the house. Everywhere. I am so sick of the bull shit."

"Sometimes I hate living in Pamplona. MOVE ALONG, ASSHOLE!"

"Wow, look at his reaction to that red curtain. I guess even in this evolved-cow alternate universe of ours, some things never change."

"And then he said, 'The sheets will run red with blood! Geddit?' And I said, 'This is why we broke up, you idiot--those are drapes.' And he said, 'Let's see if your semantics save you when I come to kill you at your coffee klatsch' -- aha! There he is. I guess the answer is 'no.'"

"I really like the drapes, so I'll just move upstairs."

"What, I thought, could attract some young beefcake to a pair of old queens?"

"This is the bovine vitelligo support group. Mad cow anger management is next door."

Bovie, that's not tempered glass! Did you do this add-on without a permit? Shame on you and your spotted little ass!!! Tee, hee-hee!

"I have to piss so badly. Coffee really goes right through me."

"Yes, I may be wild and untamed by YOUR standards, but I'll have you know that you're drinking MY semen with your tea -- Ha!"

Sorry, we don't do anal.

"OH!...uh... Hi, .. uh, Frank, we, uh,......... were... we were, uh just, uh.... we.... uh, we were, ummm............. we uh............. uhm, we were just, ummmm............. we, we, we were.... uh, we.....uh,,,,, we,,,,, were.... ummmm...... we..... we.......we...... we......we uh...... we uh....we ummmm........ we...... were....... uhhhh..... we .... we ...... we........ we........we.......damn this bse..."

"Well, at least we didn't have any tea in our mouths at the exact second he broke the window, because that really would have given us--well, I don't want to speak for you, I'm making an effort not to be presumptuous--that really would have given me a start, and I just really don't want to be startled while ingesting anything in light of what happened to Roger. Right, with the Hot Pocket.

It's pretty extraordinary that he tore that glass to shreds and he isn't even bleeding. I bleed so much when I cut myself!

"All right, I said it looked like it was raining outside and you said it was just the streaks on the window I was seeing, and now you've proved your point. You were right. Are you happy? I said it. You were right. Now come back in and call the glazier and let's all do some cow things."

"Did you see in this morning's paper how 97 percent of anti-caption writers can't tell a female cow from a bull, even when we get our adult horns? I guess that explains those nocturnal visits we've been getting from 'al in la.'"

(With apologies to al in la, of course.)

"The silly rodeo clown's jugular just spurted all over my curtain. It was hilarious!... no? Well, I guess you had to be there."

"Just ignore that bull in female cow's clothing, Delores."

"Remember how you said Frank Miller and Gary Larson would never collaborate?"

"Shame. Three feet to the right and we could have made this a fourth wall gag."

What the fuck!? Ubatz! I told you I'll have your milk money by Friday! Fucking Jersey bulls! Va fungool!

"Let's see your Roomba deal with this."

"I think you'd better go, Elmer... my husband has arrived from work early."

He gets so mad when you don't call him "Hol-STINE".

Can we interest you in a "moo-nage a trois"?

"I know... red curtains... just an accident waiting to happen. But an ACCIDENT, none the less. To error is human... to forgive... 'BOVINE'"

"WTF! This is BULL!"

"Jake and I did it 'missionary-style' last night... and I believe I was udderly destroyed!"

"Madge, how can you sit like that without hurting your tail?"

"You are right... the way the blinds are drawn it DOES resemble some kind of freakish flag!"

"I do like the rug, but on occasion I find myself accidently grazing on the pattern."

@Joshua. I like to think they just know that the females of several cattle breeds do have horns.

"We can't tell our gender by our horns. Time to go to the tie-breaker: our genitalia-o-leevio!"

"More cow? Bull!"

"Yikes! That was startling. Now, you were telling me how you get enormous ground-in cow plop stains out of your upholstery?"

"He gets really jealous when I use non-dairy creamer."

Uh oh, someone's had a little too much Red Bull.

"Ouch, I just put my head through glass."

"No, look closely--it's just a window. It's called Trompe-l'œil. Fucking Banksy."

"Nope, you're right. Secret government eavesdropping jokes aren't any funnier with cows. Let's try dogs."

"And I thought that all this talk about feng shui was just bullshit!"

"That's the way it is these days: Do something a little different--like add a touch of color to a black & white cartoon--and somebody, some where is going to be 'offended.' It's sad."

Who let the bulls out? Moo. Moo. Moo-MOO!

He's such a pain in the glass.

Tea baggin' time!

"Marge, I tried showing your husband our origami. But he seems more fixated on his reflection in that translucent faux lion's mane- is he transbestial or just a transbestite?"

"My goodness, if it hadn't been for our giant afro-comb he would have butted right into you!"

"Did he just eat your cowpie cooling on the window sill?! Gross."

"I think he wants to mix your milk his cocoa puff, milky milky cocoa mix, your milk with his cocoa puff. Milky milky Riiiiight..."

"We should have never hired that ex-Matador to be our interior decorator."

"He's just jealous I booked another 'Eat Mor Chikin' commercial. Oh god, he can hear me, as the window is broken and no longer preventing the sound waves from reaching the inner ear for processing. Moo."

Elmer's gotten the wrong idea about life here on Rodeo Drive.

"You should not have gotten red curtains."


"We tried playing Twister on the carpet, but with no color and having four legs it really wasn't very challenging."

"I've learned to relax and stop sitting on my tail, but I too don't feel comfortable uncrossing and letting the girls just hang."

"Don't pay any attention to him......I'm just looking our the goddamned window, telling you how much I enjoy the view of the park, and then this asshole, of course, has to bust in and screw it up for me..... I am just about ready to tell him to kiss my ass and get him the hell out of here."

"Say hello to Mr. Subtle"

"....don't move... there's a Peeping Tom with bad depth perception....."

"Michael Jordan is long gone, your team sucks and I'll put up whatever god damn curtains I want...Now go away!"

Hey there, Phil. We're just sitting here, naked and vulnerable. Maybe you'd like to joi-- oh, silly me. You're castrated.

"It's actually a novelty sized Lice comb."

"I told you we should have stayed in the city instead of moving to this cow town!"

"It's udderly miraculous he wasn't castrated!"

I told you those eggs in heaven didn't mean we'd come back as birds. Now grab your dishes, we have a court date in ten.

What? Surprised to see the dish after it "ran away" Mr. I-can-jump-over-anything.

"No, I don't know why anti-captions use 'fuck' to the exclusion of all other terms for copulation."

"Infact, I disagree with you. I noted '...did it 'missionary-style'', 'Now we can finally get laid! By which I mean have sex...', 'And bulls like to have sex with us'. The only people who used 'fuck' were not using as a term meaning copulation. So, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"And lo and behold, there he is. Just like clockwork. Bob is entirely too predictable."

"Oh, dear. If I've told Rosa, once, I've told her a hundred times: red curtains in the MORNING, and BLUE curtains in the afternoon!"

"He has been a total jerk since they unplugged him from the matrix and showed him how cows are supposed to act."

"I can't believe I used to go out with that bull-dike."

"The bigger issue here is why you don't have a coffee table, Helen."

"My Angus still goes by that 'four legs good, two legs bad' party line."

"... and Radosh thought the Potato Head captions sucked."

"That fucking Michael Jordan just won't stop stalking me!"

Sorry al in la. My bad.

This is nothing. In a few short weeks we shall be slaughtered and eaten by the very species that jokes about our lot in life.

Well! It seems SOMEBODY's bovine growth hormone has kicked in!"

"Just because you're Hindu doesn't mean you're better than the rest of us."

"I don't know if it's the sudden cool breeze or that passionate man ... but my udders sure is hard now!"

"Have you ever looked at a cow's ass? It's usually covered with liquid shit. I don't get how we could sit around on furniture like this. I mean it doesn't make practical sense."

"It's just this sort of thing that made Alfred Lunt leave Wisconsin. Of course Noel Coward's cocksucking technique might have had something to do with it."

"Yes, this is Dr. Moreau's House of Pain - but that doesn't refer to physical discomfort. It refers to the French word for bread. This is where Dr. Moreau serves us tea and baked goods."

"Thank you, dear, that breeze feels lovely. Although it just occurred to me, someday we should install a window that slides open."

"That's such shit, bull -- we were not 'asking for it'"

"Okay... this is weird... broken glass YET without the window cracking to its edges???!"

"All I have to say about this is...'Moo'...'MOO!, I tells ya!'"

"This would be more topical if we were turkeys."

"No matter how many times I reinstall Windows, some critical flaw in the design triggers a bunch of retarded bull shit."

"Pardon the mess, Marty. Long story short, I need to file a restraining order against Fiona Apple."

"But I did it for you, baby. You are my moos."

Bessie, now that I think of it, the red curtains are a bit much!

Since we switched to Windex, birds aren't the only things crashing through the window!

"You know, Delores, people who live in glass windowed houses shouldn't throw their opinions of bulls out too loosely."

It's my opus. I call it "Red Flea Comb for Really Big Cats."

Harold grew up in a blue state.

You should see him when I put on lipstick.

You're so lucky. My Melvin needs everything but the prod.

HE certainly needs no prodding.

"More cream? It's fresh!"

"Oh hi: welcome to the Bovine Furries Support Group. Sorry about that window — just come around and join us."

"My milkshake brings all the bulls through the shards."

Well, the mincing panty-waists who read this wouldn't know from college football. So why would they understand Bevo's rage?

You're back too soon to have gone to Home Depot. Did you actually forget the two things on "the list?" Write it down this time. You're getting us a toilet seat, and Tori a door.

Honey, I think it's time we talked about your being a douche-bag.

Marge, I gotta go and take Harold to his Red Bull Anonymous meeting.

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: We'll leave the house and go back to the barn as soon as Farmer Jones and his family return from their trip, and no one will be the wiser...though of course there will now be questions about the window that you shattered in your typical, bull-headed way.

"Oh dear. Now that I think about it, I suppose it's curtains for us!"

"Your drapes don't match the carpet."

"This is about the curtains...isn't it?"

"I wish he wouldn't interrupt our vitiligo support group."

Actually bulls are color-blind and are threatened by sudden movement. That's why I told you to keep the fan off, Daisy.

(1) "Ah, sipping tea on a quiet Sunday afternoon... I do love the English countryside. Except for the bloody mad cow disease!"

(2) "Moo."

"Are you the guy from Angry Angus Window Repair, 'where the only glare is from our steely, steery stare?'"

" Au lait ? "

"Cops a plea to lesser charges, Elsie. D.A. has never brought actual drape-rape down on him !"

" Hay, you ? "

" Don't talk nonsense, Elsie ! I'll always be BORDENED with him."

"Yeah, right ! And she's Dominguin ! And I'm El Cuchillo !"

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