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November 12, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #122

Daniel Radosh

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

And don't forget the Thanksgiving anti-cartoon contest. Post your worst Thanksgiving cartoon here and, just for fun, here.

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Winner
"As a liberal judge, I need to keep my hands soft so those slaps on the wrist don't hurt too much. That's why I use Palmolive. It's more than just mild, it softens hands while you do the dishes. Palmolive: tough on grime, but soft on crime!" —Walt

Finalists
“Okay, we don’t have much time, lets run it down: Light hor'dourves during opening arguments, and just maybe a nice chardonnay and some brie during cross…and PLEASE have coasters at both the defense AND prosecution tables…Remember: this is civil court.” —al in la

"After years of judging others, I risk judgment myself with my outlandish courtroom-dishwashing antics." —Ed C

Honorable mention
"I haven't eradicated so much grease since the time I wrongly convicted those Italians." —dean @ tamsy

"Give me that piece of paper you are holding, I need to dry my dish!" —Andy

"Thanks to lifetime judicial appointments, I'll be doing this for another 40 years. Ha!" —A Silly Mus Musculus

Judge: "I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it."
People: "His blood be on us, and on our children." —RichM

Comments

"This kitchen is so poorly drawn that it looks like a courtroom."

Step up to the tub
It ain't no disgrace
Just pull up your sleeves
And get up in place
Then scoop up the water
And rub it on your face
An' go blud-dle-ud-dle-ud-dle
Ud-dle-um-dum ....what?

"Yes, I am the cleanest judge in Kings County. Did you think that meant honest?"

"Justice is a dish best eaten clean . . . or something."

"That's MADAM Chief Justice to you."

Please don't judge me for this.

"Law and Water"? Yes, that is funny, bailiff.

"I've been taking out the trash for years, so I thought I'd try this instead."

"Now you tell me that using a rack has been ruled torture!"

"I get a much more 'cleaner clean' when I use Stare Decisis."

Not only is my inappropriate dishwashing a distraction, it could also predjudice this case. Defense's motion to declare a mistrial is granted. Members of the jury, thank you for your service. You are dismissed. Bailiff, please clear the courtroom.

"This is my punishment for judging my wife's cooking."

"I like to multi-task: Judge, wash dishes, and drop deuces. Speaking of... did you bring the large sheet of toilet paper?"

"..and I wash, and I wash, and I wash, but I can never wash the shame away."

"Tell the plaintiff that Ruth Bader Ginzberg runs a courtroom that's strictly Kosher."

"Sustained! If the Playtex glove doesn't fit, we have to acquit. Court dismissed."

"Well if the Defense had gotten their laundry on on time, we wouldn't be in this position, would we?"

"Well if the Defense had gotten their laundry in on time, we wouldn't be in this position, would we?"

"Please call the first dryer."

"My wife's been mad at me since I deported our housekeeper."

Bring in the suds-spect. Get it? Suds-spect? It's a pun. I meant to say "suspect" but I'm washing dishes so I said "suds-spect." Because when you wash dishes, you make suds. Isn't that a riot? No? Right, then, fuck you too. Oh, and I declare you guilty of something. Go lock yourself up. Asshole.

[thinks] Oh no! My male lover is hiding under a blanket behind my desk, but his huge boner is clearly visible...I put a lace doiley on top, but it only draws further attention to it...I worry that the bailiff will notice...Must distract bailiff.[/thinks] "Uh, say, Clifford! How about those Redskins?"

"Oh, if only I could do something about this dishpan justice. What's that, bailiff? I should try Palmolive and upholding the constitution?"

"I used to have a gavel, but it splashed too much when I tried to use it."

"Hath not a Jew dishes?"

"I know, I know...I shouldn't bring my home to work with me."

"I can tell you one thing: 'The quality of Dawn Dishwashing Liquid IS strain'd.' "

I brought along a couple of dishes. Do you mind?

"I got an idea. Instead of staring at me, why don't you and your buddies try to find out who stole the top half of the portrait behind me?"

"What? You're too good to dry? Or is it a union thing?"

"I wanted a wet 'bar', which would be a clever visual play on words. The interior designer screwed up."


"Bring me some writing implements so I can 'dish pens' some justice here."

"What? Isn't this better than when I used to jack off under my robe? I just need to keep my hands busy."

"I do dishes. The DA does laundry. Complain to him about your sleeves."

I finally got rid of the Sharper Image gift certificate.

Give me that piece of paper you are holding, I need to dry my dish!

"... doing jumping jacks in gym class but then I realized I was naked, and I ran away but Kurt Cobain was chasing me with a shotgun, and then I was falling out of a plane, and just when I hit the ground I became a judge. So that's how I got here. But what are you doing here, pops?"

Give me that piece of paper you are holding, I need it to dry my hands after I wash this third dish. I only have three dishes you know...one for breakfast, one for lunch, and so on and so forth.

the one above was by me

One more coffee cup with a freakin' lipstick stain, and I swear, lethal injection is once again constitutional in this courtroom.

Get me a fuckin' gavel...these things break too easily!

I call 'em the hard water stains of justice. Scales, whatever . . .

That why I went into Immigration. It's just me and trusty ol' Dawn here vs. The Greasies.

My decision in favor of the idiot who mistook Sun Light Dish Liquid for lemonade mix? It's been kicked back down to me, big-time.

That's right, another courtroom cartoon in the New Yorker. Next week, a couple in bed with an octopus.

I'm washing my hands of this case. I'm also washing the dishes.

The air chair on the witness stand looks a little overinflated to me.

No, it's not a Moen. We're talking state court here, numbnuts.

"Bailiff, just call for obsessive compulsive dish order in court!"

“Justice delayed is justice denied just as I’m washing the dishes.”

Thing is, everyone's been against it since before Day 1, just because the characters and the basic premise originated in that Geico commercial. If people would only judge it on its merits as a sitcom, I think they'd agree that it's funny and smart. No one complains when a contestant on a reality show gets their own spinoff. But oh, unforgivable crime, the cavemen started out in a commercial.

"CAVEMEN." Tuesdays 8 pm Eastern on ABC.

FYI: The courthouse cafeteria is cash only.

"Y'know, when you suggested fantasy sex play I thought it might involve, say, a mask, a costume, maybe a prop or two - but this is really getting out of hand... OK, OK, I'll be right there, lemme do this last dish."

"Well, you know what they say, GIVE a man a dish and he eats for a day, but TEACH him to dish and he could be the next Perez Hilton!"

"Washing dishes? Why, uh, no, I'm not washing dishes. Not at all. Whatever would make you ask that, shorty? I mean, Bailiff?"

"Yes?"

"The hours here are lemony-fresh!"

"Yes, your nose is indeed stuck to the bench. I coated the edges with a powerful adhesive. You see, I am an eccentric. Hence the dishes."

"Veni vidi splash-o-leevio, but not in the same way one would splash-o-leevio from an unnaturally tall lifeguard tower!"

"A prosperous yet eccentric judge offered me (a lowly dishwasher) 100 bucks to trade places with him but only places, not jobs. He's holding court at the sink at Elaine's, and I'm here. I'm surprised he didn't tell you to go to Elaine's like everyone else."

"Yes, you heard correctly. Bring me everything but the kitchen sink."

"It's my comb-over, right?! I look strange because of the comb-over!"

"I want you to arrest a 'P.C. McVey' for vandalism to my courtroom floor with his carved name!"

"I know... I know. Someday when I become a Supreme Court Judge I get a built in electric dishwasher... but for now we HAVE to work our way to that, don't we Baliff?"

"Petersen, you never cease to amaze me. Not a wrinkle in your uniform! Now if God had only been kind to you when he handed out noses."

"I know, you are right. Doing the dishes here has caused this wood floor to warp. Where is the justice?!"

“Fuck the caseload! I can’t get over the bold new look of Kohler.”

"I am personal friends with the defendant. I cannot, in good conscience judge this case. I am afraid I have to wash my hands of this trial... and while I am at it..."

"What do you mean they are Exhibit A, B, and C??!! I thought these dishes were the ones we used at breakfast! Well, that WOULD explain all the blood... Case dismissed!"

"Do you know what this courtroom needs? A Pasta Maker!"

"Just doing a few dishes... Yep.. doin'... the ... dishes."

"I'll tell you what's criminal! These DISHPAN HANDS! That and your face. Do me a favor and go to last week's cartoon and get a Groucho disquise. Your missing nose is really weirding me out!"

"... and place the marble on the floor and see if it rolls to the left. That's MY left; your right."

"Burford, where's your handgun? Aren't you supposed to wear a handgun?!"

"I thought his last name was 'McVey'... It's just 'Vey'? Well arrest him for drawing without an artistic license!"

"And while you are at it... arrest Johnny V for exceeding the limit submitting anti-captions."

"All I know is, Attorney General Mukasey refused to say whether washing dishes constituted improper judicial conduct."

"Come up here, bailiff. I will baptize you."

"Why else would I call a recess?"

"I'll trade you 3 dishes for that piece of paper. Yes? No! I will only give you 1 dish! Ahahaha! I love power!"

"No, it's a portrait of your mom."

"You know, bailiff, your face is so ambiguously drawn that I can't tell whether that's your chin or your nose... also, what at first resembles an ear might actually be another eye... so, although I know it was a hard decision for you, it's good that you're turning in your mother."

"My eyes look weird? Yeah, I got soap in them."

"Y'know who taught me how to wash? Judge Learned Hand. Now, ain't that a kick?"

"That Harry Anderson was one hell of an actor."

In order to proceed with this prosecution under the Mann Act, I must insist that counsel produce the spoon...

My eyes are popping out of my head because this is a player paino disguided as a kitchen sink and I'm pedalling as fast as I can.

I left the cap off for a reason...I might need to add some more soap!

Johnson, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: it may seem like my right hand is innocently immersed in this water, but its not. I have a gun, Johnson. I have a gun and I'm hiding it behind the plate. Now empty your fuckin' pockets.

"Leaving these dirty dishes overnight? Now that would be crime."

"My new contract for Justice TV stipulates I do soap commercials in between cases!"

"Where is Judge Judy when you need her?"

"I can't stand a wishy-washy judge!"

"As if presiding over traffic court wasn't demeaning enough, now they make us do this."

"I've scaled back on my aspirations -- I know I'll never really clean up this city."

"Honestly, I don't know how the rest of you stay awake."

"Now, at the end of the day at least I know I've accomplished something."

"_____________________!"
(Anti-caption writer on strike)

Judge Paul Molive dishes out his own brand of justice.

"Anyone who needs to take a piss while I'm doing the dishes can use the urinal on my left."

"Thanks to lifetime judicial appointments, I'll be doing this for another 40 years. Ha!"

"Oh god, my wedding ring. My wife is going to kill me."

"You know, if you put the drying rack on the other side it wouldn't drip so much on the witnesses..."

"Bailiff! Please bring me a Barbie doll, a toy boat, and some oars. I'm planning to review the case of row versus wade."

(Maybe better...?)
"Thanks to these toy canoes, I've managed to really get my head around the complex case of row versus wade."

"Why do you think they call it Washington District Court?"

"Quick, Steve, set the table, the girls'll be here any minute!"

"What are you, some sort of Albert Speer hood ornament? Anyway, I hope you brought a dishrag, Hoodsie, cuz yer dryin'."

"Daddy can't really play right now, Spark, 'cause he has to do all the chores Mommy can't do while she's at the hospital. Why don't you go play cars? You can play cars by yourself, right? We'll play Manhattan Superior Court hearing the case of People v. Hamburglar tomorrow, okay? Promise."

"My kid made it in art class, it's a crockery of justice."

"I wished for a huge penis and three more WISHES."

"Oh! You wanted me to dress up as a judge and NOSH your KNISHES? Oy, Vey!"

"What I'd really wanted was a toilet under the bench."

"I don't know if waterboarding the dish was the best way to find out what happened to the spoon. It keeps spouting insanity about cats fiddles."


"Next time, I'm going to cook and you can clean up."

"Yes, Madge, I know I'm soaking in it."

"So, I says to her, 'You've got so many dishes in the bathtub, there's no place to take a piss around here.'"

I do the judgin', the cookin', the cleanin', the dishes... I hold down twenty-tree jobs and all you do is the bailiffin'. But can I bring that nice prisoner boy home for a tree-way, no! Look at me when I talk wit you, mon. Hold that chin up ... dat's right you ain't got no chin. I got dishpan hands and I'm livin' wit a circus freak!

'Do you think the mohawk makes me look tough?"

"I do not know why they call it a 'one-panel cartoon' when, obviously, there's almost two dozen of those suckers right here."

"Not to brag, but I have heard it said that I put the dish in judicial."

"Well, any judge can quash a subpoena, but how many can wash a subpoena?"

“Okay, we don’t have much time, lets run it down: Light hor'dourves during opening arguments, and just maybe a nice chardonnay and some brie during cross…and PLEASE have coasters at both the defense AND prosecution tables…Remember: this is civil court.”

"I like to start the week with a clean docket and clean dishes."

"The shirt and tie are fakes. I'm totally naked under my robe."

"Bailiff, before you remand the mass murderer into custody can you get me a three pack of those green scrubby pads?"

"I'll stop when they pass a law against it. When will you stop being ugly?"

"The forks are out of order. Bailiff, please clear the table."

"My wife stayed in private practice and now apparently I've got to 'pull my own weight on the home front.' Now we hold each other in contempt a little more every day."

"Of course I have a dishrack. The towels here are unseen."

"If I'm guilty of anything, bailiff, it's simply that I care too much."

The dishes are from my kitchen, the witness chair is from my living room and the flag is from the front of my house. It's all I got to keep in the divorce, which is why I decided to go to law school.

...and I'll wash your mouth out with soap if you dishrespect me.

The scours here are unclean.


"I'm the Chief Justice and bottle washer. So when you enter my courtroom I expect your head and torso to be facing the same way."

If it pleases your Honor, the scale of justice isn't the only thing that's tipped around here.

"Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why, then, 'tis time to do't.--Hell is murky!--Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?--Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him."

"...and with a little diligence these feminine napkins can be used again."

(right-on Richard)

"All the perfumes of Arabia cannot wash these blood-stained hands. But damned, the way this Palmolive's working out, I might be able to take out a few more Thanes."

"Judge: I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it.

People: His blood be on us, and on our children."

"OCD? No, what's that stand for?"

" 'stare decesi. ' ...no, uh.... cease 'de' stare ! I'm merely practicing judicial humility here. Bush has been complaining."

"Now just what do I need to know about the kitchen evidence in that cannibalism trial?"

You're next, you sexy bitch.

"The Democrats agreed on a compromise: We can still waterboard, but only if we use recycled water."

" 'Flagrante delicto' judicial excess, no ? ....The gold-plated faucets, I mean ! (i'm not taking ROE vs. WADE back.)."

"Nuh uh, I never said this was good for The Constitution. I SAID it was good for MY constitution-- so call me 'sui generis' ! .... That's $25.00, 'dirt-mouth' ! Get out !"

"So who wants to get under the bench and work on the judge's plumbing? C'mon, I'll commute your sentence."

"I'm leaving you, Jerry."

"You know the part that goes 'The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people?' Well, this is what they were talking about."

"My eccentric behavior calls into question my ability to perform my duties as a judge, does it not?"

"My devotion to my job is such that I must bring my dishes from home and wash them in this sink I presumably had installed in the bench as I have no time to do them otherwise!"

"After years of judging others, I risk judgment myself with my outlandish courtroom-dishwashing antics."

"D.A. comes in with the kitchen sink... Blood all down the drain... Jury out half hour, tops ! ..... Appeal's inevitable, of course ! Scheck's 'a bitch' -- 'tampered' this, 'tampered' that !... What's that ? ... Oh, you don't say !.... Well, O.K., hand it over ! ...'Fast Barry' .... Yeah, you hear that ? .... replaced 'Fast Eddie' ! .... Ah, well !"

"Call me old-fashioned, but I don't trust dishwashers, microwaves or DNA evidence."

"14% of young men 16-29 in this country are African-American, and yet represent 40% of the prison population. Better I do dishes than dispense justice. AH-HAHAHAHAHA."

If that is the law, then the law is a glass. And a mighty clean and streak-free one, I might add.

"As a liberal judge, I need to keep my hands soft so those slaps on the wrist don't hurt too much. That's why I use Palmolive. It's more than just mild, it softens hands while you do the dishes. Palmolive: tough on grime, but soft on crime!"

"Not to worry, Hartley- the robe's water resistant. So were the court documents, but they were shredded in this handy Federally-mandated garbage disposal. Oh well: win some, lose some."

"Yes, I designed my kitchen this way and hired you to dress up like a bailiff and call be 'your honor,' but if it's you opinion that I need psychiatric help, I simply must descend."

"Bailiff, do you enjoy recess as much as I do?"

Me, crazy? The jury's still out.

"They're from the fundraising dinner for my campaign. I got $300 and I got to keep the plates. Huh? It what way does that not answer your question?"

The real irony? My maid's name is Miranda.

These dishes aren't gonna wash themselves.

Disorder in the court! Obsessive compulsive disorder in the court!

"Bailiff, as soon as I've finished these dishes, could you call my wife and ask her to return my gavel?"

"I haven't eradicated so much grease since the time I wrongly convicted those Italians."

"In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important entities: the police, who investigate crime, and Esteban, who washes plates."

What do you mean what am I doing? What are you doing?

"I was given a choice: Either wash Mankoff's dishes, or be demoted to a character in one of those damn Lexus ads that's disguised as a cartoon."

"Sir, I've got-
Shhh
It's impor-
SHHH
From the mayor abo-
SHHHHH!"

(This is not a submission, as this week's contest has closed.)
Anyone else think Radosh's picks are sounding more and more like actual New Yorker finalists lately?

re: the just above ! (Maybe, but Radosh's picks at least do tend(I suppose) to come more out of the 'boondocks' beyond,to pick a number, 50 miles of downtown Manhattan.

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