November 5, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #121

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

And don't forget the Thanksgiving anti-cartoon contest. Post your worst Thanksgiving cartoon here and, just for fun, here.


"Stealing company property? I'm afraid that's grounds for immediate dismissal." —Francis

"Ha. Ha. Very Funny. [checks box] Ha. Ha. Very Funny. [checks box]..." —Mo Buck

"No thanks. Considering everyone believes I'm just a mild-mannered guy who's totally not into strangling hookers, it's fair to say I already wear a mask to the world." —David John

Honorable mention
"Hope you don't mind-I'm working on my Car Bingo game here....have you seen a '57 Plymouth Belvedere?....hardtop?...." —Greg

"I brought along a couple of widgets... do you mind?" —Johnny V

"The hours here are long but fair!" —Rubrick

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Ha ha - that's ridiculous Herb. Next you'll be telling me that aliens are following you around or the government is spying on you...now get back to work.

Yeah, it was corporate's idea. Instead of "mental health" days, or vacation days or health insurance, you make funny noses for an hour. Laughing is supposed to keep you healthy. Ha ha ha...laugh Herb, laugh...

Shut it down and reset it, P-791. It's supposed to be recovering the gold fillings, not the noses, mustaches, glasses, and eyebrows.

“Fuck the secret word Kreinholz, we’ve got work to do.”

"You're right, they do look like you. That's funny."

"Don't test those too fast, Crumley; you'll get a nosebleed."

"Get off the line, McGillicuddy. It might be years after that chocolate episode, but you're still not fooling anyone with that disguise."

"Hey, that's funny stuff, Fidel, but you're Marxist view is getting old."

“So I was thinking, who do those squiggle lines remind me of? And I remembered. Keith Haring. Haring’s lines were thicker, but the idea was the same. Only Haring would have drawn the lines around the conveyor belt rollers, too. Because the rollers are moving, too. Anyway, it's something to think about. Please take those glasses off and get back to work.”

These are the last of 'em, and the president ordered 7; we're gonna gave to cut your face off. I'm sorry. It's not covered. Check your contract. The fine print. SO... see ya at the bar later?

your Marxist view

Have you been working out? Keepin' the lady happy? You look good, Herb, you look good.

"Groucho who?"

"No, I don't know what the Al Aqsa Brigade plans to do with 8,000 funny glasses. But I don't ask questions. I just get my orders out on time."

"You know, it's funny. Here we are, working in 'Fulfillment,' but I don't feel fulfilled. How about you, Pete?"

"Role-playing's not going to help us now, Bill. The spark has gone out."

"Look, we only have 442 more days before all the Republicans leave the White House. We gotta make sure their order gets to them on time."

"OK, look, it was a terrible accident, never should've happened, least of all to every member of your family. Shoulda been a rail there, I know. Here, I'm writing a check for $50,000 right now, we'll call it even, OK?"

"That's a good point, we probably shouldn't have made the lenses opaque. Maybe we can market them to the 'blindfolded cunnilingus with tickling whiskers' crowd?"

"No, I don't feel that the company owes you any royalties. For starters, these glasses all have curved temples, while yours are straight. The mustache on ours is trimmed at an 18° angle, while yours is at 20° and the nose on ours is a different shape. So any resemblance is totally coincidental.

Ha. Ha. Very Funny. [checks box] Ha. Ha. Very Funny. [checks box]...

"Goddamn, politically correct world! Look how fucking boring our product line is since we had to stop making the good old 'Chinaman' model!"

"Stealing company property? I'm afraid that's grounds for immediate dismissal."

"Working here for a day has made me realize how most situation comedies feel like they were created on their own assembly line. This metaphor is gold! I'm sorry, have I introduced myself? I am Frank Rich on a crash diet."

"Oh, verrrrry funny, Wilkins. Hilarious. Next I suppose you'll remove my hat, so I'm completely unprotected here."

"The word from upstairs is that you won't be finding any lead paint on these suckers."

"OK, but how are you going to eat without a mouth?"

"Cut the shit, Daniel! This is a real job in the real world. If you don't treat it as such I'll fire your ass, and you can go back to starving in your Brooklyn hellhole and have time to make more than 4 picks each week on your stupid blog. Fucking writers!"

"Who are you, and where's the guy who normally works this line?"

"I know that was you fucking my wife last night. Your fired - unless you can tell me how you got her to try anal."

Fuck the writers! With these hilarious disguises the network execs will be able to handle primetime by themselves for at least six months.

"Mr. Rayban would like to see you in his office. Immediately."

Stop complaining, Marvin. After our life-sized Potato Head outfits failed to catch on, this is the best we've got.

"The 'Secret Word' is YOU'RE FIRED!. Oops, sorry, that's two words. So sue me!"

"Bliss if ignorant."

"...oops. Make that 'Tim H' if ignorant. 'Bliss IS ignorant.' "

"We all laughed when you modeled for the prototype, but that half-cent a unit royalty must get you a pretty penny."

(Apologies to David)
"No, it's not plagerism. We've put quotation marks around them and we'll cite your face in the footnotes on the clown shoes."

"Yes - YES, already - it tickled when I kissed you. But it's not part of the quality control checklist and I'm not doing it everytime, so get over it."

"Hey, pal, if you see the guy who usually works this station, tell him he's fired."

"You realize, of course, that your face is messing up my nose count."

"Veni vidi Groucho-leevio!"

"No, I don't know why anyone would buy these things, and I don't care. Just get back to work."

"No that one makes your face look fat. Take the other one. NEXT!"

"Look at it this way. A man takes a job, you know? And that job - I mean, like that - That becomes what he is. You know, like - You do a thing and that's what you are.You understand? I mean, you become - You get a job, you become the job. You, of all people, should understand that."

We work together for 8 years and NOW you try one on. It wouldn't have been funny 8 years ago, and it sure as hell isn't funny now. In fact, fuck you.

We just nailed down the no-bid Pervez Musharraf disguise contract from State.

Have I ever told you the story about how I lost my right arm to the "Groucho machine"?

"The CIA says they simultaneously exacerbate the effects of, and also take the edge off, waterboarding."

Firefly, you crazy bastard! How are you?

Jensen, will you kindly remove the strap-on cock-and-balls from your face and get back to work?

"I see on your resume you were a Philosophy major."

These are the last of 'em, and the president ordered 7; we're gonna have to cut your face off. I'm sorry. It's not covered. Check your contract. The fine print. SO... see ya at the bar later?

[fixing typo from first entry]

"Take those novelty glasses off. And put down the pair you're holding."

"Your actual eyebrows, glasses, nose, and mustache resemble the eyebrows, glasses, nose, and mustache of the plastic novelties that are assembled at this factory."

It's not funny because the nose isn't big enough. You know, big. Big like a big Mr. Potato Head at a bar. Or a big cradle with a businessman in it. Or a big egg with an angel sitting on it in heaven. Or maybe a big circus ring in some guy's living room. You know what they say in the cartoon business: Big equals funny. That's the formula. Like a big gun in the Paleolithic Era. Or a big amoeba on a plane.

"When I put on that pair of novelty glasses that you're holding, both of us will be wearing novelty glasses. Before I accept the novelty from you, however, I'll need to set this clipboard down."

"Can you help me with this sudoku?"

"We're all signing a Get Well card for Mabel in Shipping. She has meningitis."

"The hours here are long but fair!"

"Sales of our Zeppo line have been slow, so they sent me over here to observe. Maybe you guys are doing something we're not."

"In the bizarro-world that we inhabit, men who resemble Groucho Marx are considered sexually attractive, while guys like Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and Steve Buscemi are considered ugly. Fortunately, this factory, which manufactures pairs of glasses that cause whomever wears them to resemble Groucho Marx, is fully operational, as indicated by the little vibration-marks around the pairs of glasses rolling off of the assembly line, suggesting that the conveyor belt is in motion. Of course, you and I can see that the conveyor belt is working because the glasses are in motion. But if one were to take a still photograph of the belt, it would be impossible to say whether the belt were moving without these lines. In the bizarro-world that we inhabit, these kinds of vibrations are plainly visible."

So, how do you like working here at the extruded-polymer division of DuMont chemicals?

There's a 50-foot woman outside bestriding the building, and word is that our patented Evrolet x-ray specs enable you to see right through her panties.

"These are actually funnier when you hook the glasses onto your belt."

“Wait a minute! You said, 'Outside of a dog, blah, blah, blah,' followed by, 'inside a dog it's too dark to read.' What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I assume I can pencil you in on this Ron Paul for President petition?"

Yes, I'm Asian. No, I don't want to "save a little face".

"Where's Harry? I guess he was fired and you're his replacement, huh? You know, you kind of look like Harry, except for the mustache. And of course, he didn't wear glasses. Hey, wait a min--Harry! Goddamn you, you got me AGAIN!"

"Wait, is that your real face? Because if it is, it would be an incredible coincidence, and mildly humorous to boot."

"Wow. When you took those off, I didn't expect you to be wearing a second pair underneath them. My expectations were defied."

"After working here for so long, I've come to understand that we all wear our own disguises."

"Davis, you've been promoted. Bring this baked bean voucher to the cafeteria, and then report to the whoopie cushion department for further instruction."

Sure, Frank, you're a laugh a minute. But unless we can start producing 120 laughs a minute we're all gonna get outsourced to China.

Yeah, I've heard the Johny Cash song "One Piece at a Time." But that was about a car, not a human body. Face it, Steve, your harebrained scheme just isn't going to work.

If replace the eyes with two testicles, the nose with a penis and the moustache with pubic hair does it make the cartoon

1) Not as funny
2) Just as funny
3) Funnier

Put those on goddamn it and I will once again be forced to get checked for diploplia.

"Until last week my 13-year-old nephew had that job. He died of lead poisoning."*
(* - in Mandarin)

"Herb, a couple agents from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service are in my office asking about some blood they found on your pajamas.”

"HQ wants to hault production...So you can stop making that face."

No, I'm sorry, but you cannot sue us for copyright infringement. Pursuant to the confidentially, non-compete, and property invention agreement you signed when you are hired -- Section 4, paragraph 7(b), clauses c-f, inclusive; referencing sections 12-15 of the company bylaws (excluding section 13, paragraph 3(a)) and incorporating the relevant chapters of the IRS Tax Code, et al. -- we own you, and your face is actually in violation of our company's intellectual property. As this is grounds for immediate dismissal, we're going to have to ask you to leave. Here's the number of a plastic surgeon. Your severance payment should just about cover the expense.

I told you that if you keep making that face, it will stick that way.

"Some days I really feel like putting a fake arrow through my head."

The ears here are unseen.

You just earned a spot on The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.

Funny is as funny does.

You've given new meaning to the "Got yer nose" gag.

Why does the word "nosegay" come to mind?

Welcome to the Mukasey Witness Protection Program.

"Smithers, it's come to our attention that you may be a Marxist."

"The hours here are for docile workers who know how to be grateful for even getting a job writing for 'According to Jim.'"

"The hours here are for scabs."

"I don't know nuthin' about an employee discount, ask Big George."

"Why do I work here? Well, I just love to laugh."

"Hm, well, they're not useful, smart, or funny and they never were and never will be but people are just used to them being around so it continues for ever and ever. So, yes, just like the Electoral College. Well-spotted, MacFarquharson. Still, I doubt the bigwigs on 17 will want to put it on the package."

"Johnson, I'm glad you now understand our philosophy: 'Give a man a Groucho mask, and he's funny all day long; teach a man how to make a Groucho mask, and he's a rich man for the rest of his life.' "

"What exactly did you mean when you wrote on your résumé: 'Hooray for Captain Spaulding, the African explorer! Did someone call me schnorrer? Hooray, hooray, hooray!' ?"

"OK, that one meets our standards. But just let the rest of the batch go on to incineration."

Funny, check. Funny, check. Funny... y'know something Ted--eighteen years and you still got it.

"They're supposed to smell funny."

Sorry, on strike.

"Y'know, I've seen moving conveyor belts before, but I can't understand why this one -- with these 4 1/2 Groucho masks -- just sits here, kinda mocking us."

"...or 5 1/2 Groucho masks for those whose PC's don't cut off the mask closest to me. You understand?"

"For the umpteenth time, we're not paid to ask where they come from. You try them on, I check them off the list, and we all get to live another day."

"Your plan to infect Groucho Marx impersonators with anthrax is almost perfect. It's just too bad you don't have anthrax."

"Okay... your resume says that you once were a diesel fitter. Must you constantly say "Dees'll fit her!... Dees'll fit her!??"

"Okay, Ted, I want the $50 you owe me NOW!!! and don't try anything funny!"

"Seinfield started at the bottom, too, Kid. Hang in there...."

"Aw crap you're right, these are defective. You don't look a thing like Frida Kahlo."

Well, we got a mixed review here from bizarre marital-aids/sex toys.com. "Good vibration power, but tickle factor is a problem." Only two and a half boobs. Oh well, there's always room for improvement...

"There is only one word to describe your clones, narcistic."

"Congratulations, you produced the most masks in the fastest time, beating your co-worker by a nose!"

"Dude, put that back."

* "我十三歲的侄子到上個星期做了這個工作。他被鉛毒死了。"

(* Mandarin as requested above. Even more hilarious, no?)

"Jesus fuckin' Christ you're right, Higgenbotham! When you pick the suckers up the quotation marks disappear!"

"You'd think it'd be hard to mess it up, right? Tell that to Lucy Ricardo, she got transferred to the accounting department after her latest mishap. Lucky bitch."

"Americans want new faces in Washington D.C., but they didn't order your plastic Groucho masks, you fucked up, report to the Employee Extermination Department, immediately!!!"

3-D glasses and a coke holder, awesome.......

"Look out, this next one is missing a quotation mark."

Get back to the vibrator testing area and act like someone with a goddamn Associate's Degree.

My son's selling Groucho Glasses to raise money for his school. Can I put you down for 10?

"No thanks. Considering everyone believes I'm just a mild-mannered guy who's totally not into strangling hookers, it's fair to say I already wear a mask to the world."

So, basically the lady next to my studio is a bumptuous slovenly Greek woman with no teeth, so she talks like Carol Channing more or less. She keeps her Magnavox with the dial stuck on the Game Show Network 24/7, so I get to have the shit woken outta me every 2 am by Ray fuckin Combs. So don't even get me started about how fucking terrible your job is. For me, this is my 60 hours a week of heaven.

"I brought along a couple of widgets... do you mind?"

"Good news! You have been promoted to 'rubber dog shit". Take off those glasses and start living like one of the 'big boys'!"

"Pssst.... Harold! I am sneaking out early today. Be a pal and clock me out, okay?!"

"I didn't say the bombing of Cambodia wasn't justified, Mr. Kissinger."

"Sorry Brian, even New Yorker cartoons don't need this kind of shit anymore. We're all fired."

"You wouldn't believe how long I've been working on this latest caption contest. Problem is, this cartoon just isn't funny."

"Why'd you put an asterisk here next to 'marital status'?"

(Caption stolen from October 4 Lockhorns.)

Tom, there's something the same about you today.

"Yeah- 'wocka, wocka, wocka,' FIDEL."

"That pair clearly doesn't have enough " "."

"Your voracious appetite for your job is an inspiration to us all, but I've been told to let you go because we're all sick of your Borscht Belt routine."

Yuk Yuk. [checks box] Yuk Yuk. [checks box] Titter Titter- "Uh Oh."

"Don't play with the merchandise. [Translated from the original Mandarin Chinese, even though the characters are poorly drawn and therefore don't look especially Asian. You didn't think those plastic novelty items were made in the US, did you?]"

These vibrating funny glasses are the reason my wife left me.

"Holy Christ! This order is for 500 HARPO masks!!"


"Wilson, we'd rather you didn't discuss Marx in the workplace."

The assembly line has vastly improved our efficiency.

I used to have a pen in my useless left hand but some Bozo stuck a clipboard in it. Can you remove it, please?

You've signed up to bring macaroni salad to Carol's going-away party this Friday. Can you bring ambrosia instead — Jeri in accounting is already bringing macaroni salad.

"Speed it up, George. We just good a big order from a group of married guys heading down to that Caribbean golf tournament Radosh is publicizing."

There's an emergency call for you. Your wife has died in a car accident.

"Congratulations, Pamela, you fooled me again."

"Okay, I got one for you: 'I picked up my gun and shot an elephant and that's when I realized I was wearing my pajamas.' ... Get it? Wearing pajamas! ... Well, of course -- you have to sell it. ... Okay, well, how about this: 'If there's one way you never want to shoot an elephant, it's in your pajamas.' ... See, it's funny because the elephant is ... No, I said it wrong. 'An elephant got in my pajamas with me and that's when I shot him.' ... Wait, I got it: 'Is that a hunting rifle in your pajamas or ...'"

Why the hell do I have to wear the only George Fenneman mask around here?

There are times, still, that I wake up in a sweat, calling out "Sandy! Sandy!" The whole thing -- the trip to Budapest, the stuttering man, the crash. God, I miss that pony.

Don't forget the quotation marks, Ken.

An old man once told me I'd end up in a bad joke. I never believed him...

Please put down the Wiggling Groucho Mask (TM) so that we can restart the conveyor belt.

I've asked you not to pick your nose. That's my job.

"Wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka wokka...." [Ms. Pac-Man dot-chomping noise]

"After you've tried on all the Grouchos, Carol will assist you when the dildos start coming out."

Nope...it's gaucho.

"I realize you lost a bet, but this is a workplace."

Hey Eddie, listen... I have this friend that's been assigned to quality control, and kind of as a practical joke, the guys and I rigged it so the stuff he checked just wrap around to the beginning again. And... here's the funny part, this guy has been checking the same seven things over and over for three months and we forgot to tell him... isn't that funny?

Yuck it up, Peterson. Those are covered in lead and GHB.

"The hourly workers here aren't who they seem."

"Yeah, too bad you're not testing "ass-face" masks."

"Hope you don't mind-I'm working on my Car Bingo game here....have you seen a '57 Plymouth Belvedere?....hardtop?...."

"We're outsourcing your attitude."

"That part of the conveyor belt has failed the Groucho glasses test. I'll make a note of it and have it replaced."

If you make it to the Zeppo line and you're still smiling, you might just make Lead.

"I shit you not, Miles... Dog is gay. Gayer than gay. Dude came out last night on Kimmel. Said he needed to confess to God and the American people. Pole smoker since the big house, bottom, into fatties and get this... Beth is a tranny. What the freak is the world coming to? A homo. Can you believe it Miles?"

"Que lastima que el 'Dog' no sabia esa negrita no seria puta pero Cubana. No se preocupe. Mañana empezaremos la producíon de los Dog-Oakley Thump lentes commemorativos."

translation for Production Coordinator and Castro:
"Too bad 'Dog' didn't know the black girl wasn't a whore but a Cuban. Don't worry. Tomorrow we start production of the Dog-Oakley Thump commemorative glasses."

[I tink is better in espaneesh.]

"Jenkins? I truly believe there's a joke here to be made about nose hair...'lose the nose hair'...'trim the nose hair'...'the nose hairs here are obscene'...but, for the life of me, I can't think of it. That, in-and-of-itself, is funny....right? Jenkins?

"Commodity-induced alienation from your human nature: check."

"If you can't quit clowning around, I'll have you sent to our China facility.

" We got a small problem here, clown. That school's mascot was the 'gaucho'.....G-A-U-C-H-O !

"Well, I certainly hope your Beverly is as perceptive as you claim."

"Quick thinking, Jose' ! The I.N.S. just entered the plant."

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