The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #119
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
There once was a man like an infant?He was a real jerk and skinflint?I put him in bed, oh bed bed bed bed,?bed bed bed bed bed bed infant. jdt
Finalists
"He really misses our monstrous baby." gary
"I think the hospital may have sent me home with someone else's pedophile." Brian L
Honorable mention
"I pray they'll find a cure for progeria some day." kejo
Comments
I’ve had it with Craigslist. Apparently - SWM LDR LS ISO WLTM for WiWCF, SWJF or SHF; BDC or LTI preferred; DD free a must - doesn’t mean what I think it does…go figure…
Posted by: simsburybear | October 22, 2007 8:58 AM
I pray they'll find a cure for progeria some day.
Well, the Republican National Committee tried to clone Ronald Reagan, but you know, the cells we used were over 90 years old. I understand the same thing happened with Dolly the sheep. (sigh) Looks like we're going to have to finalize our cybernetic Newt Gingrich ahead of schedule.
Posted by: kejo | October 22, 2007 9:00 AM
"He's a lying son-of-a-bitch!"
Posted by: dwilk | October 22, 2007 9:01 AM
"I know you saw my hair and the adult baby and thought it was an episode of 'Mork and Mindy' but it isn't. You're dead. Forever. Get used to it."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 22, 2007 9:02 AM
"Isn't he adorable? He looks just like his broker."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 22, 2007 9:06 AM
"I know you enjoy making things, but I think we should just buy a real coffin."
Posted by: Francis | October 22, 2007 9:08 AM
"I know I came here planning to smother George W. Bush in his bed in retaliation for his complete disrespect of women's autonomy while you held him still, but now I think it might be enough to just take a short video documenting the evidence of his infantilism fetish with my digital camera, except it doesn't have sound. Do you have a way of recording him saying "I'm a bad poopy baby, mommy, please spank your bad poopy baby" in his sleep? Because if not, I don't think the image has quite the same resonance, in which case I guess I'll just get out the chloroform. Oh, your cell phone can record audio? Great."
Posted by: Francis | October 22, 2007 9:17 AM
"Yeah, it's a sweet age, isn't it?"
"He's been in there like that since I told him we were having an affair."
"He really misses our monstrous baby."
"On the bright side, Bob just gave up his pacifier."
Posted by: gary | October 22, 2007 9:32 AM
“My husband’s a big effin baby. Get it?”
“This wake is a little, um, nontraditional.”
Posted by: Deborah | October 22, 2007 9:53 AM
So, can I assume that this threesome is going to be mostly girl-on-girl?
Posted by: therblig | October 22, 2007 10:02 AM
(Sorry, Francis. I just read your one about the coffin.)
Posted by: Deborah | October 22, 2007 10:03 AM
Oh, it's called the använda, or is it the ryckknyck? Anyway it's new at IKEA...
Posted by: simsburybear | October 22, 2007 10:05 AM
"Okay, Dad, I'll give you back your stupid Blackberry. Just stop whimpering."
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 22, 2007 10:26 AM
He looks just like his father.
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 22, 2007 10:27 AM
No, no, the carpentry is all wrong. Look how the head rocker is flush with the edge of the cradle, whereas the foot rocker is pushed in about eighteen inches. It's as if the plans were drawn up by some lazy cartoonist who had run out of room at the bottom of his paper.
Posted by: kejo | October 22, 2007 10:36 AM
"He may look cute to you, but you're noit the one whose nipples are getting sucked raw five times a day."
Posted by: GilbertBob | October 22, 2007 10:47 AM
"Shit! He just made a poopy."
Posted by: GilbertBob | October 22, 2007 10:48 AM
"You win. This is markedly creepier than the fact that you both have no mouths."
Posted by: thecitydesk | October 22, 2007 10:57 AM
I don't know, Marcie. I assumed that Linus would have outgrown his thumb-sucking and his security blanket by the time he was 45. It just goes to show: people don't change. You still call Peppermint Patty "sir," don't you, Marcie?
Posted by: kejo | October 22, 2007 11:04 AM
"He's three weeks old and boy is my vagina sore."
Posted by: gray nixon | October 22, 2007 11:19 AM
"Nevermind. Now he's only sucking his own thumb. But it was really impressive, trust me."
Posted by: J | October 22, 2007 11:24 AM
What magazine is this -- The New Yorker or Nugget?
Posted by: kejo | October 22, 2007 11:26 AM
"Yes, it's an unconventional sled. So what?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | October 22, 2007 11:34 AM
"Biggest aborted fetus I've ever seen? Yes. But that's still no reason to dress it in a suit."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | October 22, 2007 11:36 AM
"I'm worried. He's over 400 months now."
Posted by: dwilk | October 22, 2007 11:40 AM
Outsized props. Angels. Cavemen. But what about war, and fucking? Why am I even asking you, no-mouth?
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | October 22, 2007 11:53 AM
1St Women: "Indians fan?"
2nd Women: "Even worse. Mets fan...Been like this for weeks."
1st women: "The poor thing.""
Posted by: al in la | October 22, 2007 12:35 PM
"Wow. And I thought the circus ring in your living room was fucked up."
Posted by: Ed C | October 22, 2007 1:30 PM
"I guess father-son mind-switch experiments yield more zany, comedic results when the child is a little older."
Posted by: Ed C | October 22, 2007 1:38 PM
"Dear God, Susan. You were right. Ralph is a terrible carpenter."
Posted by: Ed C | October 22, 2007 1:40 PM
"Well my husband is always leaving the toilet seat up."
Posted by: Ed C | October 22, 2007 1:45 PM
"I'm sorry Sylvia, I really want to be supportive and be your friend right now, but this just makes me very, very uncomfortable. I'm gonna go. I'm so sorry."
Posted by: Ed C | October 22, 2007 1:53 PM
If we weren't Amish, I'd find this very weird.
Posted by: LK | October 22, 2007 2:07 PM
"He made the bed, and now he's sleeping in it. I can't believe I just said that."
Posted by: dwilk | October 22, 2007 2:18 PM
"He's been this way ever since the accident."
Posted by: Rubrick | October 22, 2007 2:24 PM
"After he wears himself out starting wars and raping virgins all day, he sleeps like a baby."
Posted by: Jacob C | October 22, 2007 2:32 PM
No, you're right, if it were a cradle it would just be weird. But who hasn't taken a nap on his transverse sleigh from time to time?
Posted by: Ben | October 22, 2007 2:45 PM
I was upset with the choice of the knotty pine open sled casket, but why did they have to pose him like that? I mean, he choked to death giving head to our chiropractor for christsake. Maybe they'll comp the headstone. Do you think they know how to spell cocksucker?
Posted by: Adam G | October 22, 2007 3:03 PM
Yes, this is bizarre, but his other fantasy is to be an angel sitting on a gigantic egg.
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 22, 2007 3:05 PM
"Man hates Monday mornings. Hush now, that bad boss can't hurt you."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 22, 2007 3:57 PM
On the plus side, Mrs. Romney, this development should take the focus off your religion.
Posted by: Ernest | October 22, 2007 3:59 PM
I don't know which is more disturbing. That Winthrop regressed to an infant overnight, or that Ethan Allen had one of these on sale in his size.
Posted by: Ernest | October 22, 2007 4:20 PM
"Well, considering that this is the only piece of furniture that we own, and that the rest of our money goes toward his meth binges, no, it's not so fucking cute."
Posted by: JP | October 22, 2007 4:22 PM
"So Marge gets this funny look on her face and she says 'I don't know, it must have gotten lost in the mail,' and I say 'Well if that's true, maybe we should all just -- what... in The Hell. Is. This."
Posted by: Vance | October 22, 2007 4:23 PM
It's legal for me to marry this guy and not you. God Bless America.
Posted by: Amy | October 22, 2007 4:35 PM
"I'll be home by 10. He gets a feeding at 8 and a blow job at 9."
"I have to watch him real closely- my first husband died of SIDS, I mean SADS."
"Someday he's gonna crawl out and hurt himself, and I'll sue that cradlemaker's ass."
Posted by: LV | October 22, 2007 4:40 PM
Mom was right. Never believe you can change a man unless you mean his diaper.
Posted by: Amy | October 22, 2007 4:40 PM
God I hate it when he naps with his shoes on.
Posted by: Amy | October 22, 2007 4:45 PM
Now that I have laid eyes on him, your request for giant diapers AND a martini set is a bit less perplexing.
Posted by: klh | October 22, 2007 5:04 PM
"No, I can't explain why his right arm is coming out of his ribs."
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:14 PM
"You should see the giant prosthetic nipples he makes me wear at dinnertime."
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:18 PM
"Do you have to piss or something?"
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:19 PM
"I know, Marcie. He seemed like the smart one. I guess the blue blankie should have been a red flag. Who would've guessed that I'd have been better off marrying Charlie Brown?"
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:22 PM
Sorry, Kejo. Hadn't read through all these before posting that.
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:23 PM
"I told that no good could come from eating the placenta!"
Posted by: David | October 22, 2007 5:27 PM
I thought "infantilizing" was hyperbole!
Posted by: binky | October 22, 2007 5:30 PM
"Don't give me that disapproving look, Diane. Bob happens to have an oral fixation because he spent four years working as a male prostitute to put himself through college. We weren't all born into privilege, you prissy little bitch."
Posted by: Jacob C | October 22, 2007 5:45 PM
"It's still kind of wrinkled on this side. I think you should pump it up a little bit more. "
Posted by: RichM | October 22, 2007 6:50 PM
"Well, I would ordinarily make a quip playing on 'Rock A Bye Baby' or 'Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking' but then you would probably notice that the radius of the bottom curve of the runners here is much too large to actually allow the thing to rock at all. And that would be something of an anticlimax. So let's just go into the other room and see what's on TV."
Posted by: RichM | October 22, 2007 7:01 PM
"His therapist says he should work on getting in touch with his inner child. I think she's full of shit and they're having an affair."
Posted by: znufrii | October 22, 2007 7:13 PM
"He’s a mystery inside a puzzle wrapped around an enigma, sleeping in a sled inside a cradle wrapped around a coffin.”
Posted by: dwilk | October 22, 2007 7:24 PM
"They may be ruthless scumbags when they litigate...But they sure look precious when they're asleep."
Posted by: al in la | October 22, 2007 7:33 PM
I have to look on the bright side. At least he's not a furry.
Posted by: Drew Thaler | October 22, 2007 7:42 PM
"Ever since he got the SuperComfort 5000, he's slept like a baby. And by that, I mean he soils himself every single night."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 22, 2007 8:16 PM
It isn't easy finding a flame retardant suit.
Posted by: Amy | October 22, 2007 8:16 PM
"At least it's in his mouth this time."
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | October 22, 2007 9:15 PM
"For Christ's sake mom, would you give it a rest? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a guy in New York? Wait. He's waking up...Hey there, big fella. Did someone go stinky-poo in his Armani again?"
Posted by: al in la | October 23, 2007 5:22 AM
"If you were a Wall Street broker with size 4 shoes, you'd be in the fetal position too."
Posted by: dwilk | October 23, 2007 7:07 AM
"Well, the cat's in the cradle and I guess he did turn out just dad. But in only three weeks?"
"They grow up so fascist don't they?"
"I only buy baby clothes from the John Vernon Outlet Store on Route 8." (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006893/)
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 23, 2007 7:35 AM
"...then one day,he saw a shadowy figure on a dark street in a fraudulent business deal. So he immediately sued the bastard. Turns out the 'bastard' was just a little kid with a lemonade stand that Charlie here mistook for a pirated-DVD street vendor. Charlie ruined that little kid and he's never been the same since. His whole life was
'law and order'...'crime and punishment'. It's so ironic, isn't it?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 23, 2007 7:48 AM
"I'm training him. . . my clit is the size of a thumb."
Posted by: jim M | October 23, 2007 10:14 AM
"He claims he's writing a book called 'The Year of Living Baby-ly'"
Posted by: JohnnyB | October 23, 2007 12:20 PM
"As you can see, my husband sleeps in a cradle, fully clothed."
Posted by: John Tabin | October 23, 2007 12:57 PM
"Yes, Tricia, this is the secret I've been keeping from you all this time. I'm sorry. I know you were hoping I was a lesbian."
Posted by: Rubrick | October 23, 2007 2:06 PM
"My other two kids were c-section births, so I decided to go natural with this one."
"One-tit-no-mouth girl meet man-baby. Should I leave you two alone, or do you mind if I strap one on and join the freak show?"
Posted by: MAtt | October 23, 2007 5:14 PM
"You have no idea how long it took me to get him to get it out of his ass."
Posted by: jim M | October 23, 2007 5:16 PM
A woman named Elizabeth dropped him on my stoop and told me if he ever wakes up, immediately shove a pen in his withered left hand.
Posted by: klh | October 23, 2007 6:47 PM
"And this one I'll never sell. It's a Christo's 'Cradle of Capitalism.' I picked it up at Sotheby's. Like it?"
Posted by: al in la | October 23, 2007 7:50 PM
He told me to wake him up when
Sponge Bob Square Pants is on
television.
Posted by: jeena | October 23, 2007 8:54 PM
Dave can't start psychotherapy until he's potty trained.
Posted by: jeena | October 23, 2007 9:19 PM
I think his name is Eliot Spitzer, I heard he got run over by an undocumented illegal alien with a New York State driver's license and he hasn't be the same since!
Posted by: jeena | October 23, 2007 9:33 PM
I think his name is Eliot Spitzer, I heard he got run over by an undocumented illegal alien with a New York State driver's license and he hasn't been the same since!
Posted by: jeena | October 23, 2007 9:38 PM
His stroller has a GPS system, dvd player, and anti-lock brakes.
Posted by: jeena | October 23, 2007 9:57 PM
"Veni vidi atsa-one-ah-beeg-ah-bambino o-leevio!"
Posted by: Chris | October 23, 2007 11:14 PM
"He just realized he would never be half the raconteur that Merv Griffin was."
Posted by: Chris | October 23, 2007 11:21 PM
Oral fixation my ass. He's 45, Susan. He's gay.
Posted by: Stephan Cox | October 24, 2007 12:19 AM
1.
"The policeman on the phone told me to rock him until we figure out who stole that purse."
2.
"Whoa -- why is this grown man lying in an oversized crib pretending to be a baby? Why, for that matter, is this bizarre crib here to begin with? Who constructed this crib? To what end? And the two of us . . . why are we standing here affecting a seen-it-all attitude instead of admitting, admitting to each other, and to ourselves, that we're surprised -- surprised and disturbed -- by what's going on here?"
3.
"Start talking, Ali Baba. The interrogation only gets more humiliating from here on."
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | October 24, 2007 1:48 AM
(Um, I guess, maybe, replace the word "crib" in my second caption with . . . what -- "cradle?" "Rocker?" I don't know about baby stuff.)
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | October 24, 2007 1:54 AM
"It's easiest to give him UFIA's in this position."
Posted by: Brian L | October 24, 2007 3:07 AM
"I can't stand working at this mental institution anymore. The hours here are insane."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 24, 2007 3:38 AM
"So, I'm doing some online shopping, stocking up on some essentials, and I ask him, 'Boxers or briefs?' and he says, 'Depends.'"
Posted by: Ernest | October 24, 2007 6:18 AM
The use of 'baby talk' is not limited to interactions between adults and infants, as it may be used among adults, or by adults to animals. In these instances, the outward style of the language may be that of baby talk, but is not considered actual parentese, as it serves a different linguistic function. That said, bubby wuv binkie wawa widdle num nums.
Posted by: Ernest | October 24, 2007 6:27 AM
"...and you'll wake him from his nap after 45 minutes, tops. Otherwise he'll whine about how shitty his life is for the rest of the day."
Posted by: Michael | October 24, 2007 11:20 AM
"Between the rocking and the Happy Ending, he reverted back to his 30s, only without the charm."
Posted by: Michael | October 24, 2007 11:25 AM
"You're right. That is weird. He almost never sleeps this late."
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 24, 2007 12:05 PM
"Goo goo ga ga goo da da da da ga?"
Posted by: Eric | October 24, 2007 12:06 PM
"It could definitely be worse Margie. Like, what would you do if he was gay?"
Posted by: Mr. Know It All | October 24, 2007 12:14 PM
He's been like this ever since I broke it to him that Harry Potter's gay uncle is gay or something. And that "Cavemen" is on the chopping block.
"CAVEMEN." Tuesdays 8pm Eastern on ABC. "DON'T EXTINCT US! HEY, WE MADE UP A VERB!"
Kiroc, Esq.
Posted by: Optimus Variable-Rate | October 24, 2007 12:14 PM
When you said, "Tom's been fucking goofy lately," were you just saying he's been acting strange, or was it a reference to his collection of life-size Disney dolls?
Posted by: mypalmike | October 24, 2007 12:19 PM
"For many of us January 20, 2009 can't come fast enough."
Posted by: al in la | October 24, 2007 2:38 PM
"He's supposed to be watching Junior; I hope Junior's not underneath."
Posted by: stcoleridge | October 24, 2007 2:49 PM
"You didn't give him pretzels , did you?? Christ, what word won't he be able to pluralize next?"
Posted by: abe | October 24, 2007 3:13 PM
But is this worthy of filling my empty picture frames?
Posted by: rk | October 24, 2007 3:44 PM
This is why you should always be suspicious when a white guy in a suit invites you up to see his crib.
Posted by: therblig | October 24, 2007 4:28 PM
"Yes, it is oak.....look closer, mother...."
Posted by: Greg | October 24, 2007 5:42 PM
"Christ! All I did was ask him if he was having sex with you."
Posted by: dwilk | October 24, 2007 7:59 PM
(I vote for therblig's, 3 up from here...)
Posted by: mypalmike | October 24, 2007 8:06 PM
"He hasn't opened his eyes since I framed and hung those Thomas Kinkade prints."
Posted by: dwilk | October 24, 2007 8:26 PM
"I think the hospital may have sent me home with someone else's pedophile."
Posted by: Brian L | October 24, 2007 9:07 PM
"It is not beyond the realm of possibility that the adoption agency we used might have been inclined to treat same-sex couples differently from traditional unions."
Posted by: RichM | October 24, 2007 10:35 PM
"If I say something marginally clever, will I win a free book? No? Well, all right, then."
Posted by: RichM | October 24, 2007 10:40 PM
(Hours here are insane. ++++)
Posted by: Vance | October 25, 2007 1:05 AM
"He invites us up to 'see his crib'. I thought it was a cool way of showing us his apartment. Boy, Carol, we sure pick losers!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 25, 2007 5:35 AM
"It sucks to be me"
Season 2 of "Tell Me You Love Me": Graham still won't sleep with Marci, and his regressive therapy
produces bad results.
"Hey, we got a place in the Hamptons, I sleep with the pool boy. This is minor in the big scope of things!"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 25, 2007 5:58 AM
"I was wondering Deborah... besides losing your mouth, when did your hands become like 'dog paws'?"
Posted by: Johnny V | October 25, 2007 6:01 AM
"Of course I called Cronenberg. Right away as a matter of fact. But he wasn't interested. Apparently he's all about crime now. So much for the New Flesh. On the plus side Debbie Harry is in the kitchen making meat snacks."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | October 25, 2007 7:04 AM
Ok, the agency explained everything to you, right? You'll have to change his diaper, and he's due for a spanking soon. Why don't you change into your mommy-gear while I get the nipple clamps?
Posted by: skeeelz | October 25, 2007 1:44 PM
It's the nursing in public that I enjoy.
I should have never let the baby put the quarter in the Zoltar machine.
Oh yeah? Well, my husband sleeps in a race car bed.
We're having stock market themed mobile installed tomorrow.
Posted by: Mo Buck | October 25, 2007 5:33 PM
There once was a man like an infant
He was a real jerk and skinflint
I put him in bed, oh bed bed bed bed,
bed bed bed bed bed bed infant.
Posted by: jdt | October 25, 2007 7:57 PM
"It's the Glenlivet--a quarter bottle a night. It's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do."
Posted by: A Silly Mus Musculus | October 25, 2007 9:46 PM
No Joann, it's not normal for you to knock out your husband, position him this way, and take photos for blackmail during your imminent divorce.
Posted by: Raccha | October 25, 2007 10:10 PM
"He DOES love his Rockies."
Posted by: Namby | October 26, 2007 1:51 AM
"When he laughingly described himself as a 'thumb-sucking, bed-wetting liberal,' I thought he was just being ironically self-deprecating."
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | October 26, 2007 5:25 AM
"Well, thinking back, his exact words at the bar were, 'How'd you two hotties like to come to my crib and rock me all night long?' "
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | October 26, 2007 5:31 AM
"I can't believe that, after the horrible things this man did to me and our children, and the millions of lives he destroyed in every corner of the planet, he can still, somehow, sleep like a baby. But now he must die!"
Posted by: David F | October 26, 2007 10:21 AM
"I can handle a little regression...but a three-piece suit is where I draw the line!"
Posted by: Michael | October 26, 2007 12:32 PM
"His crack is showing."
Posted by: Carol Martucci | October 26, 2007 2:51 PM
"At least no one can say he's off his rocker." (sound of rimshot) "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week."
Posted by: Richard | October 26, 2007 5:10 PM
If he wakes up, there's a mallet under the cradle.
Posted by: Pam | October 26, 2007 8:02 PM
Lynndie, I don't care if you kept his clothes on this time, it's still forbidden by the Geneva Conventions.
Posted by: Ernest | October 26, 2007 8:46 PM
"Sis, if you make ONE joke about this, I'll hit you so hard with a blunt object that you'll have brain damage too."
Posted by: JP | October 27, 2007 4:48 PM
"It started with baby talk, and the next thing you know..."
Posted by: Kathryn | October 27, 2007 8:21 PM
"You're looking at six full months without vajayjay. I don't know about you, but I'm going to miss saying 'cunt'."
Posted by: Myrtle Mae | October 28, 2007 1:09 PM
"Listen carefully Harold. I'm going to count to three and snap my fingers. When you wake up you will be a beautiful Aztec princess."
Posted by: Shawn | October 28, 2007 4:29 PM
Was the Apgar your first clue?
Posted by: Darlin | November 10, 2007 5:46 AM
he just crushed my baby!
Posted by: Anonymous | November 12, 2007 7:40 PM