October 22, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #119

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


There once was a man like an infant?He was a real jerk and skinflint?I put him in bed, oh bed bed bed bed,?bed bed bed bed bed bed infant. —jdt

"He really misses our monstrous baby." —gary

"I think the hospital may have sent me home with someone else's pedophile." —Brian L

Honorable mention
"I pray they'll find a cure for progeria some day." —kejo

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I’ve had it with Craigslist. Apparently - SWM LDR LS ISO WLTM for WiWCF, SWJF or SHF; BDC or LTI preferred; DD free a must - doesn’t mean what I think it does…go figure…

I pray they'll find a cure for progeria some day.

Well, the Republican National Committee tried to clone Ronald Reagan, but you know, the cells we used were over 90 years old. I understand the same thing happened with Dolly the sheep. (sigh) Looks like we're going to have to finalize our cybernetic Newt Gingrich ahead of schedule.

"He's a lying son-of-a-bitch!"

"I know you saw my hair and the adult baby and thought it was an episode of 'Mork and Mindy' but it isn't. You're dead. Forever. Get used to it."

"Isn't he adorable? He looks just like his broker."

"I know you enjoy making things, but I think we should just buy a real coffin."

"I know I came here planning to smother George W. Bush in his bed in retaliation for his complete disrespect of women's autonomy while you held him still, but now I think it might be enough to just take a short video documenting the evidence of his infantilism fetish with my digital camera, except it doesn't have sound. Do you have a way of recording him saying "I'm a bad poopy baby, mommy, please spank your bad poopy baby" in his sleep? Because if not, I don't think the image has quite the same resonance, in which case I guess I'll just get out the chloroform. Oh, your cell phone can record audio? Great."

"Yeah, it's a sweet age, isn't it?"

"He's been in there like that since I told him we were having an affair."

"He really misses our monstrous baby."

"On the bright side, Bob just gave up his pacifier."

“My husband’s a big effin baby. Get it?”

“This wake is a little, um, nontraditional.”

So, can I assume that this threesome is going to be mostly girl-on-girl?

(Sorry, Francis. I just read your one about the coffin.)

Oh, it's called the använda, or is it the ryckknyck? Anyway it's new at IKEA...

"Okay, Dad, I'll give you back your stupid Blackberry. Just stop whimpering."

He looks just like his father.

No, no, the carpentry is all wrong. Look how the head rocker is flush with the edge of the cradle, whereas the foot rocker is pushed in about eighteen inches. It's as if the plans were drawn up by some lazy cartoonist who had run out of room at the bottom of his paper.

"He may look cute to you, but you're noit the one whose nipples are getting sucked raw five times a day."

"Shit! He just made a poopy."

"You win. This is markedly creepier than the fact that you both have no mouths."

I don't know, Marcie. I assumed that Linus would have outgrown his thumb-sucking and his security blanket by the time he was 45. It just goes to show: people don't change. You still call Peppermint Patty "sir," don't you, Marcie?

"He's three weeks old and boy is my vagina sore."

"Nevermind. Now he's only sucking his own thumb. But it was really impressive, trust me."

What magazine is this -- The New Yorker or Nugget?

"Yes, it's an unconventional sled. So what?"

"Biggest aborted fetus I've ever seen? Yes. But that's still no reason to dress it in a suit."

"I'm worried. He's over 400 months now."

Outsized props. Angels. Cavemen. But what about war, and fucking? Why am I even asking you, no-mouth?

1St Women: "Indians fan?"

2nd Women: "Even worse. Mets fan...Been like this for weeks."

1st women: "The poor thing.""

"Wow. And I thought the circus ring in your living room was fucked up."

"I guess father-son mind-switch experiments yield more zany, comedic results when the child is a little older."

"Dear God, Susan. You were right. Ralph is a terrible carpenter."

"Well my husband is always leaving the toilet seat up."

"I'm sorry Sylvia, I really want to be supportive and be your friend right now, but this just makes me very, very uncomfortable. I'm gonna go. I'm so sorry."

If we weren't Amish, I'd find this very weird.

"He made the bed, and now he's sleeping in it. I can't believe I just said that."

"He's been this way ever since the accident."

"After he wears himself out starting wars and raping virgins all day, he sleeps like a baby."

No, you're right, if it were a cradle it would just be weird. But who hasn't taken a nap on his transverse sleigh from time to time?

I was upset with the choice of the knotty pine open sled casket, but why did they have to pose him like that? I mean, he choked to death giving head to our chiropractor for christsake. Maybe they'll comp the headstone. Do you think they know how to spell cocksucker?

Yes, this is bizarre, but his other fantasy is to be an angel sitting on a gigantic egg.

"Man hates Monday mornings. Hush now, that bad boss can't hurt you."

On the plus side, Mrs. Romney, this development should take the focus off your religion.

I don't know which is more disturbing. That Winthrop regressed to an infant overnight, or that Ethan Allen had one of these on sale in his size.

"Well, considering that this is the only piece of furniture that we own, and that the rest of our money goes toward his meth binges, no, it's not so fucking cute."

"So Marge gets this funny look on her face and she says 'I don't know, it must have gotten lost in the mail,' and I say 'Well if that's true, maybe we should all just -- what... in The Hell. Is. This."

It's legal for me to marry this guy and not you. God Bless America.

"I'll be home by 10. He gets a feeding at 8 and a blow job at 9."

"I have to watch him real closely- my first husband died of SIDS, I mean SADS."

"Someday he's gonna crawl out and hurt himself, and I'll sue that cradlemaker's ass."

Mom was right. Never believe you can change a man unless you mean his diaper.

God I hate it when he naps with his shoes on.

Now that I have laid eyes on him, your request for giant diapers AND a martini set is a bit less perplexing.

"No, I can't explain why his right arm is coming out of his ribs."

"You should see the giant prosthetic nipples he makes me wear at dinnertime."

"Do you have to piss or something?"

"I know, Marcie. He seemed like the smart one. I guess the blue blankie should have been a red flag. Who would've guessed that I'd have been better off marrying Charlie Brown?"

Sorry, Kejo. Hadn't read through all these before posting that.

"I told that no good could come from eating the placenta!"

I thought "infantilizing" was hyperbole!

"Don't give me that disapproving look, Diane. Bob happens to have an oral fixation because he spent four years working as a male prostitute to put himself through college. We weren't all born into privilege, you prissy little bitch."

"It's still kind of wrinkled on this side. I think you should pump it up a little bit more. "

"Well, I would ordinarily make a quip playing on 'Rock A Bye Baby' or 'Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking' but then you would probably notice that the radius of the bottom curve of the runners here is much too large to actually allow the thing to rock at all. And that would be something of an anticlimax. So let's just go into the other room and see what's on TV."

"His therapist says he should work on getting in touch with his inner child. I think she's full of shit and they're having an affair."

"He’s a mystery inside a puzzle wrapped around an enigma, sleeping in a sled inside a cradle wrapped around a coffin.”

"They may be ruthless scumbags when they litigate...But they sure look precious when they're asleep."

I have to look on the bright side. At least he's not a furry.

"Ever since he got the SuperComfort 5000, he's slept like a baby. And by that, I mean he soils himself every single night."

It isn't easy finding a flame retardant suit.

"At least it's in his mouth this time."

"For Christ's sake mom, would you give it a rest? Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a guy in New York? Wait. He's waking up...Hey there, big fella. Did someone go stinky-poo in his Armani again?"

"If you were a Wall Street broker with size 4 shoes, you'd be in the fetal position too."

"Well, the cat's in the cradle and I guess he did turn out just dad. But in only three weeks?"

"They grow up so fascist don't they?"

"I only buy baby clothes from the John Vernon Outlet Store on Route 8." (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006893/)

"...then one day,he saw a shadowy figure on a dark street in a fraudulent business deal. So he immediately sued the bastard. Turns out the 'bastard' was just a little kid with a lemonade stand that Charlie here mistook for a pirated-DVD street vendor. Charlie ruined that little kid and he's never been the same since. His whole life was
'law and order'...'crime and punishment'. It's so ironic, isn't it?"

"I'm training him. . . my clit is the size of a thumb."

"He claims he's writing a book called 'The Year of Living Baby-ly'"

"As you can see, my husband sleeps in a cradle, fully clothed."

"Yes, Tricia, this is the secret I've been keeping from you all this time. I'm sorry. I know you were hoping I was a lesbian."

"My other two kids were c-section births, so I decided to go natural with this one."

"One-tit-no-mouth girl meet man-baby. Should I leave you two alone, or do you mind if I strap one on and join the freak show?"

"You have no idea how long it took me to get him to get it out of his ass."

A woman named Elizabeth dropped him on my stoop and told me if he ever wakes up, immediately shove a pen in his withered left hand.

"And this one I'll never sell. It's a Christo's 'Cradle of Capitalism.' I picked it up at Sotheby's. Like it?"

He told me to wake him up when
Sponge Bob Square Pants is on

Dave can't start psychotherapy until he's potty trained.

I think his name is Eliot Spitzer, I heard he got run over by an undocumented illegal alien with a New York State driver's license and he hasn't be the same since!

I think his name is Eliot Spitzer, I heard he got run over by an undocumented illegal alien with a New York State driver's license and he hasn't been the same since!

His stroller has a GPS system, dvd player, and anti-lock brakes.

"Veni vidi atsa-one-ah-beeg-ah-bambino o-leevio!"

"He just realized he would never be half the raconteur that Merv Griffin was."

Oral fixation my ass. He's 45, Susan. He's gay.


"The policeman on the phone told me to rock him until we figure out who stole that purse."


"Whoa -- why is this grown man lying in an oversized crib pretending to be a baby? Why, for that matter, is this bizarre crib here to begin with? Who constructed this crib? To what end? And the two of us . . . why are we standing here affecting a seen-it-all attitude instead of admitting, admitting to each other, and to ourselves, that we're surprised -- surprised and disturbed -- by what's going on here?"


"Start talking, Ali Baba. The interrogation only gets more humiliating from here on."

(Um, I guess, maybe, replace the word "crib" in my second caption with . . . what -- "cradle?" "Rocker?" I don't know about baby stuff.)

"It's easiest to give him UFIA's in this position."

"I can't stand working at this mental institution anymore. The hours here are insane."

"So, I'm doing some online shopping, stocking up on some essentials, and I ask him, 'Boxers or briefs?' and he says, 'Depends.'"

The use of 'baby talk' is not limited to interactions between adults and infants, as it may be used among adults, or by adults to animals. In these instances, the outward style of the language may be that of baby talk, but is not considered actual parentese, as it serves a different linguistic function. That said, bubby wuv binkie wawa widdle num nums.

"...and you'll wake him from his nap after 45 minutes, tops. Otherwise he'll whine about how shitty his life is for the rest of the day."

"Between the rocking and the Happy Ending, he reverted back to his 30s, only without the charm."

"You're right. That is weird. He almost never sleeps this late."

"Goo goo ga ga goo da da da da ga?"

"It could definitely be worse Margie. Like, what would you do if he was gay?"

He's been like this ever since I broke it to him that Harry Potter's gay uncle is gay or something. And that "Cavemen" is on the chopping block.

"CAVEMEN." Tuesdays 8pm Eastern on ABC. "DON'T EXTINCT US! HEY, WE MADE UP A VERB!"

Kiroc, Esq.

When you said, "Tom's been fucking goofy lately," were you just saying he's been acting strange, or was it a reference to his collection of life-size Disney dolls?

"For many of us January 20, 2009 can't come fast enough."

"He's supposed to be watching Junior; I hope Junior's not underneath."

"You didn't give him pretzels , did you?? Christ, what word won't he be able to pluralize next?"

But is this worthy of filling my empty picture frames?

This is why you should always be suspicious when a white guy in a suit invites you up to see his crib.

"Yes, it is oak.....look closer, mother...."

"Christ! All I did was ask him if he was having sex with you."

(I vote for therblig's, 3 up from here...)

"He hasn't opened his eyes since I framed and hung those Thomas Kinkade prints."

"I think the hospital may have sent me home with someone else's pedophile."

"It is not beyond the realm of possibility that the adoption agency we used might have been inclined to treat same-sex couples differently from traditional unions."

"If I say something marginally clever, will I win a free book? No? Well, all right, then."

(Hours here are insane. ++++)

"He invites us up to 'see his crib'. I thought it was a cool way of showing us his apartment. Boy, Carol, we sure pick losers!"

"It sucks to be me"

Season 2 of "Tell Me You Love Me": Graham still won't sleep with Marci, and his regressive therapy
produces bad results.

"Hey, we got a place in the Hamptons, I sleep with the pool boy. This is minor in the big scope of things!"

"I was wondering Deborah... besides losing your mouth, when did your hands become like 'dog paws'?"

"Of course I called Cronenberg. Right away as a matter of fact. But he wasn't interested. Apparently he's all about crime now. So much for the New Flesh. On the plus side Debbie Harry is in the kitchen making meat snacks."

Ok, the agency explained everything to you, right? You'll have to change his diaper, and he's due for a spanking soon. Why don't you change into your mommy-gear while I get the nipple clamps?

It's the nursing in public that I enjoy.

I should have never let the baby put the quarter in the Zoltar machine.

Oh yeah? Well, my husband sleeps in a race car bed.

We're having stock market themed mobile installed tomorrow.

There once was a man like an infant
He was a real jerk and skinflint
I put him in bed, oh bed bed bed bed,
bed bed bed bed bed bed infant.

"It's the Glenlivet--a quarter bottle a night. It's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do."

No Joann, it's not normal for you to knock out your husband, position him this way, and take photos for blackmail during your imminent divorce.

"He DOES love his Rockies."

"When he laughingly described himself as a 'thumb-sucking, bed-wetting liberal,' I thought he was just being ironically self-deprecating."

"Well, thinking back, his exact words at the bar were, 'How'd you two hotties like to come to my crib and rock me all night long?' "

"I can't believe that, after the horrible things this man did to me and our children, and the millions of lives he destroyed in every corner of the planet, he can still, somehow, sleep like a baby. But now he must die!"

"I can handle a little regression...but a three-piece suit is where I draw the line!"

"His crack is showing."

"At least no one can say he's off his rocker." (sound of rimshot) "Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week."

If he wakes up, there's a mallet under the cradle.

Lynndie, I don't care if you kept his clothes on this time, it's still forbidden by the Geneva Conventions.

"Sis, if you make ONE joke about this, I'll hit you so hard with a blunt object that you'll have brain damage too."

"It started with baby talk, and the next thing you know..."

"You're looking at six full months without vajayjay. I don't know about you, but I'm going to miss saying 'cunt'."

"Listen carefully Harold. I'm going to count to three and snap my fingers. When you wake up you will be a beautiful Aztec princess."

Was the Apgar your first clue?

he just crushed my baby!

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