October 15, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #118

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

Update: Oops. Forgot to mention that there's another prize this week: a free copy of A.J. Jacob's new bestseller The Year of Living Biblically! Winner must provide a working e-mail address and not have won anything from this site in the last 30 days. If winner isn't eligible, prize will go to the top finalist.


"Man, fuck Ostrich-Heaven! That's all I'm gonna say." —Ogdred

"You know, I'm beginning to think, the halos and clouds and so forth notwithstanding, that this isn't actually Heaven, but is in fact Hell. For one thing, the boredom here is so oppressive that it feels like we're being punished, not rewarded. For another, I was a rapist." —John Tabin

"In Soviet heaven, egg lays you!" —kejo

Honorable mention
"You wanna stick a pen in that left hand or something? It's kinda freaking me out." —MAtt

Posted by Daniel Radosh


In Soviet heaven, egg lays you!

Yeah, tell me about it...it takes a long time to perfect these jews...

Why are you trying to look at your watch - I told you, it's been an eternity...wait, you don't have a watch. So, you must be insane. My mistake.

“Worst. Afterlife. Ever.”

“And when the eggs hatch, they give us more eggs. And that’s … really all there is.”

“Why not Bil Keane?”

"Not what you expected?"

I know, Craig. You'd think in Heaven they'd have a cure for elephantiasis of the scrotum. But at least, the harp music is relaxing. Right, Craig?

"Well, I guess this answers the question of 'Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?' And it's not the same at all; for one, we're sitting on these giant goddamn eggs. But I guess some things never change, Chuck, because you're still a whiny little bitch."

Can't even get an exclusive cloud. Fuck!

Hey, you look like that sculpture where the guy puts his hand on his chin like he's thinking. What's that called? Thinking man?

You are correct, the angle of my right leg and foot does indicate that I've dislocated my hip, but can't afford to get it fixed, which means even God disapproves as socialized medicine.

"Hey, you, get offa my cloud!"

Where's God with the giant frying pan already? I'm starving.

Do you believe in Polyeggamy?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Really large onion rings?

"Speaking of laying eggs, did you see how are brethren performed against the Red Sox?"

You know, Randall, if you'd taken me up on my offer in Baltimore, you'd be used to the stretching by now.

Hey don't get discouraged just yet. It takes a while for it to start feeling good, but once it does, oooohhh my god are you in for something special.

"You know how it is, Gary, we sit on these eggs until the brand new precious angel baby souls hatch. So you either wait until it's done or you pray for an abortion. But that's murder. And involves tons of paperwork. Trust me. How do you think I got that vacation last year? Barely worth it. Although it was nice not to sit on an egg for two weeks."

"You gotta start looking on the bright side sometimes, Ewan. I worry. Marcia worries. Take now for instance. Sure, you dropped your Silly Putty, but at least you still have something to sit on. Plus, you lucked out, you're the only Presbyterian who made it into Heaven. Although I guess that's better news for the rest of us."

"Mom said she'd be back to sit on these right after eating Dad's liver. Again. Jesus. How long is this gonna go on for, Trent?"

"I know, I know. You saw me with my combover and a giant egg and you assumed it was an episode of Mork and Mindy. Well it's not. You're dead. Forever. Get used to it."

"What I don't get is, how come these huge egg-shaped rocks don't just fall right through the clouds?"

"God, I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. Hey. Are you listening? I said I'm bored. Helllooooo? God?"

"I know what you mean, Jed. I also assumed there would be billiards in heaven."

Fuck the eggs! Lets try to hit someone down there.

Why do I have to share a cloud? I asked for a single. What was my sin? I mean, don't take this personally; you seem like a nice guy and all, but....yeah, I am going on for an eternity. This is actually your personal Hell. The eggs, however, i don't get."

"It's a theme. Giant gun, giant dog dish, giant egg. It's your job to make some sense of it, 'cause God knows, Makoff can't."

"I thought the lyrics were, 'Hey, hey, you, you, get offa my cloud. Don't hegg around, 'cause two's a crowd.'"

"Yeah, I can't think of any good captions for #118 either. I miss the circus ring and the aliens."

uh, I meant don't egg around, not hegg around

"I wonder what they have to sit on in Hell."

I know you thought of needlepoint and leg-crossing first. However, there has to be something else the two of us can do for eternity!

"Just remember to shift your weight from time to time; I didn't move for the first 2000 years and now my right leg is withered and useless."

"You wanna stick a pen in that left hand or something? It's kinda freaking me out."

"Hi. I'm Art Garfunkel's career. I've been here since the early 70's. What's your name?"

If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't have gotten into the car with that drunk driver.

It's not that bad, just ten minutes a day for eternity.

Your dead relatives are in there, keep sitting or don't ever seem them... Ever!

Cor blimey, JohhnyB! Lots o' them heggs 'ere in 'eaven!

Oh, those guys back there, just added to give the illusion that there are more than just us here in what is apparently heaven.

"Welcome to hell."

"We've got to deliver these eggs to the Evrolet plant cafeteria."

"You look so hard-boiled."

"There wasn't a word about this in 'The Year of Living Biblically'"

"Care for an egg?"

"Well, Timmy, as a priest, I suppose I should apologize for trying to teach you about auto-erotic asphyxiation. Turns out it can be deadly. Sorry. Care for an egg?"

I'm thinking, what if after three thousand years of sitting on this thing, it's really just full of chocolate?

"My anus still hurts. You?"

"I'm going to be hatching the Son of God for the planet Andromeda XJ-6. How 'bout you?"

"So the guy asked me, 'Waiter, do you carry steamed vegetables?' and I said, 'Steamed? They're pissed!' And that became kind of my signature line from then on."

"So that's where you've been keeping The Last Dangerous Visions. I've always wondered."

"Shouldn't the women be doing this?"

"The oeufs here are obscene."

Azazel, join me in my rebellion! I will ascend to Heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God; I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly, on the utmost heights of the sacred mountain. I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High. And I won't have to sit on this fucking egg ever again!

"God's decided we're gonna help bring back the all the extinct species on earth. Hatching these dodos is a bitch, but it beats the hell out of inseminating a paleomastadon."

Yeah, 72 virgins would look pretty fucking good right about now.

"It is all one big con job. I haven't met a single virgin, let alone forty"

"Whaddya mean! Shelley Fabares was singing to me, not you!"

"No, no. The presidential campaign isn't literally an eternity."

"Hi, my name's Larry. I like your wide stance."

"Yeah, I'm waiting for Halo 3 to get here too."

"Hey kid, don't get offended. My name really is Ben Dover."

"What say you and I go stick these eggs in those two huge holes behind us in the distance -- you know, the ones that would appear, to a viewer located somewhere off to our sides, to be halos hovering above our heads, due to their shape and distance... at least they would if the onlooker was viewing from a flattened perspective like a single-panel cartoon -- and go get lunch?"

"Well I'm sorry, Mark, but it just isn't going to be what you imagined when you got saved. For all eternity, you sit on your cloud with a nice wide stance, you wear the latest gowns, you make sure everybody knows you were a big shot in Congress, and there's still no action. I mean, who do you have to blow around here to get a pass down to Hell once in a while? That wasn't a rhetorical question. Who do you have to blow?"

"I like all the pretty wings and such, but why do they always have to place us right under the glory holes?"

So I said, "Look at this egg I just squeezed out. How could you NOT covet my ass?"

Don't look so glum. I'm the one stuck with regurgitation duty.

"I wasn't a biblical scholar or anything, but I'd think I would remember a passage where angels are referred to as 'Heaven's chickens'."

"You really miss your family, huh?"

"So I says to him, 'Your Almightiness, I love heaven, I been here a long time and it's great, but seriously, all due respect, what is it with the eggs?'"

"Looks like someone's not very egg-cited to be an angel today!"

Just be glad it's not our job to fertilize them.

"It's not so bad - you have to hatch one for every chicken you ate in your life; but after that, your time is your own".

So, have you seen "Tenshi no Tamago"?

"Hell is other people. And giant fucking eggs."

"Yeah, this is your brain when you can't find any drugs. Believe me, I've looked, but there's just no good blow anywhere in this fucking place."

Don't worry Bill, we're 'born again' in Jesus... only this time it will be as chickens.

"This sucks."

Speaking of laying eggs, did you see how I spelled "our" a-r-e at 9:55am this morning?

Haha, more like a D.U."I can't stop the car!" Just kidding. But sorry your family's dead.

"Yeah, I was pretty disappointed with Halo 3 myself."

"It's so pointless. We don't generate nearly enough body heat to incubate eggs this size."

"So God reaches under his robe, hands me his testicles and says, 'Keep 'em warm for me.' Thanks for helping out."

"Consider yourself lucky. In Hell, they have to sit on giant, red-hot iron spikes that penetrate the rectum and cause excruciating pain."

"When death gets you down.., keep a goin'. When you're dead and can only frown.., keep a goin'. Ted..., are you listening?"

I know, it's weird He confused "cage free" with "free roaming."

Turns out "The DaVinci Code"...it's a cookbook!

I don't know where the Ostriches went. Up here they have their heads in the clouds!

I don't know about you, but I'm really starting to get a hard-on.

"These aggs ARE the virgins, Abdul."

"I brought along a couple of midgets (and their midget eggs and midget clouds), I hope you don't mind."

I'm beginning to think they made a mistake about letting me in here. I don't miss my wife....I miss the whores!

The eons here are obscene.

It's just a reminder that we have to bring comfort to the terminally constipated.

You would think if you ask for a great lay up here, they could better than this!

"It's true what they say: Every time a bell rings, an angel lays an egg."

"I always believed the youth pastor when he said 'Heaven is going to rock!' If only he hadn't mumbled during the important parts, so I would have known he was saying 'Heaven is going to be ruled by a giant roc, and you will be enslaved by it.' I might have considered converting to Buddhism."

"Miss your wife? That's what you get for marrying a jew."

"Wanna fuck?"

"I tried balancing it on my halo once. Let's just say that it rained blood for a week."

"....now, you really don't expect me to cook like that for just you and those other two dopes, do you?"

...nope, haven't seen an owl.."

Well, if this is heaven, then why the hell do we all have hemorrhoids the size of boulders?

"Veni vidi hatch-an-egg-oleevio! Hey! I'm speaking Latin!"

"Yes, the rain is our tears and the thunder, well, that's our farts on big hollow eggs."

"Paul and Linda were OK, but that Denny Laine was a pain in the ass."

Only in Heaven can you get away calling a pair of fake wings, a plastic halo and giant gag egg shwag?

"All this because some idiot named 'Huckabee' promised there'd be ducking hunting in heaven."

I meant "duck hunting," of course

Angel #1: I don't understand! You said dressing up as Donald Duck for Halloween would be fun! Now I am doomed to lay jumbo-sized eggs for all eternity, my gaping anus stretched to the max! You were wrong!
Angel #2: No, pal! [removes mask to reveal Satan's face underneath]
I wasn't wrong! You were wrong! You didn't accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior!
Angel #1: GASP!
©1984-2007 Chick Publications, Inc. All rights reserved.

"Maybe the hymn actually went,'When I am dead and on the OVA side...'?"

"Go on, say it. Say, "This must be some sort of 'YOLK'!"... or "Heaven's not what it's CRACKED up to be"... eventually someone says it."

"Hey, we've spent about 20 centuries together... Can you give me an honest answer...?! Am I losing my hair?"

"Hey, I just noticed... We are sitting on eggs!"

"Well, the 'eggs to angel' ratio is perfect!"

"As my cousin Manuel used to say, "It take a man with 'HUGE HUEVOS' to get into heaven!"

"Are you sure this is heaven? Because if it is, then I'd like to try out the hell where beautiful women hang all over you and you keep winning in a small but snazzy casino. I really would."

"Cheer up. When Bob gets here with his grill we'll make some kick-ass omelets."

Well, according to my religion, in Muslim heaven they push the eggs back in.

"Man, fuck Ostrich-Heaven! That's all I'm gonna say."

It's just that I thought heaven would be, you know, egg-free.

"What are you so mopey about? I figured that, in heaven, at least I'd get my fucking hair back!"

"From what I gather, Lucifer's plan is to age these eggs here in heaven's eternal time so they'll look millions of years old, then plant them back in the past so the humans will think they're proof of 'evolution'. Why? Just to fuck with their faith I suppose."

"Yeah, I did die from a severely twisted knee. How could you tell?"

"Man... It seems like I'll be listening to this fuckface drone on forever."

"Yeah, no sex in heaven. Guess we should have payed closer attention. Allahu Akbar, just kidding, too late now, of course."

No, you're right to worry over the fate of "Cavemen." It could get yanked any minute. Your only hope is that someone at ABC sticks their neck out for it. But dude, think about it: this same exact time last year, would you, me or anyone have thought that "Men In Trees" would still be around? OK then, chin up!

We're wasted, and we have nothing but time, but I'm going to say "no" to what I know you're going to ask. Because I know you're going to suggest that we go flying. Dude, I've taken you over every last square inch of this place just to prove: there's no "God of TV" up here calling the shots. It's just some douchebag suits down in Studio City, fucking with destiny.

And yeah, you have infinitely more time on your hands, but they didn't hand you a genius imagination when you got here. That's why your "ultimate TV series" still only consists of Jessica Alba ending up partially undressed. You were an actuary down there, you're not James Brooks up here.

"Cavemen," Tuesdays 8pm Eastern on ABC.

Hell's not exciting as you thought it would be, is it?

"I wish I had some Preparation H. H for Heaven, that is."

"Met any nice chicks up here?"

Last thing I remember, I was sitting at the bar and you walked in, wearing a hazmat suit.

"Smile! The Angel Workers of Heaven union negotiated an eternal contract with God getting us paid overtime for egg-sitting.

"The doc at the Angel Clinic said you caught the Bird Flu, look at the bright side, you're already dead."

"The doc at the Angel Clinic said you caught the Bird Flu, look on the bright side, you're already dead."

"Fucking Mets."

"I know. This is WAY better than sinning. Hi-five!"

"I alway thought heaven would be me on top of young boys, but not this young. This isn't fun at all. Heck, it might not even be heaven."

"Some bright morning, when this life is over, I'll fry an egg.
In a pan on God's celestial stove, I'll fry an egg.
I'll fry an egg, fry an egg oh glory,
I'll fry an egg (in the morning)
When I die, hatch a few and by and by,
I'll fry an egg.
Ah, that never gets old."

"My feet are cold."

"That's a hairpiece? It looks totally natural. No, I'm not just saying that. Where did you get it?"

"If only we hadn't come out for one last encore of 'Sound of Silence,' perhaps our lives and countless others could have been saved."

"So what else, what else...Well, we could play 'ghost.'"

"If you think that hurt, wait until they cram it back IN."

"So where did you THINK cherubim came from?"

"Dworkin Heaven could be worse, on the whole."

Now that you're dead, Mr. Cruise, I guess there's no harm in telling you the Deep Secret: these eggs are L.Ron Hubbard's . . . no, on second thought I'll need another million dollars.

"Howard the Duck. Why?"

"I was wrong about heaven. I guess I have egg on my face...so to speak."

"Don't you get it? Christ actually became HEN and FRIED for our sins. It's a mistranslation!"

"Christ? What an asshole!"

"Ha ha, yes, I flashed on the same thing -- Ripley in Aliens asking, 'But these things come from eggs...so where are all the eggs coming from?' ... But then I decided, I really really don't want to know. Really don't.

Yeah, it's prostate cancer heaven so you never die or feel pain, but that tumor just keep growin' bigger 'n' bigger 'n' bigger 'n' bigger ..."

"And then, just as Meadow walks in the door, the screen goes black."

Well, you SHOULD feel sad. Every time you masturbate, Jesus kills a kitten.

"'Inteligent design,' my ass."

"You're sitting on my egg."

"I'm here for one reason and one reason only. God fucking LOVED Grindhouse. He told me so himself. So fuck you William Arnold of the Seattle Post-Intelligencer! Hahahahahaha! Ha ha ha! Ha...ha...oh...ohhhh...Sigh."

"How much longer do we have to pose for this fucking Birkenstock commercial?"

"I knew reincarnation couldn't be as simple as it sounded."

"Remember how your mom taught you to look for broken eggs in the carton? But the whole time it was angelic skidmarks we should have been looking for. Mom never knew--*sob*--she never knew."

"Don't mope, Niles--it's unbecoming a Crane. As in Frasier Crane. We're on "Frasier", see? You can run for Egg Master again in ten centuries."

"So much for pondering the sacred mysteries of the heavens ... What's with your strangely elongated, gibbon-like wrist?"

"'Hey!' you said. 'Let's get God drunk!' you said. 'Let's see what happens!' you said. 'I bet it'll be funny!' you said ... "

"I'll sit on yours if you sit on mine."

"Cheer up, Carl, and lift your head up before that wig falls off."

Okay, how about this, I'll be Al Bumen and you can be Chaz O'Melette?

So you've got hairy toes, big deal. You're not getting laid up here anyway.

"wll what did you expect, - fucking chairs? How the fuck are you going to balance a chair on a fucking cloud?"

"I realize this is a somewhat awkward time to say this, given that we've been here passing the time of day for eons, but... y'see... I'm Glenn Gould."

So I guess aborted fetuses really are people, after all.

"The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh, but right now the Lord fucketh with our heads."

"I'm starting to wonder if I really want to put in this much work just to have my dog Raffles back after all. I mean, he did eat my G.I. Joe doll. Yeah, you know what, I'm out of here. Look me up in a few years after your high school girlfriend hatches."

"Shall we go?"
"Yes, let's go."

Hey, hey, you, you, get offa my cloud. And take your goddamn egg with you!

"The hours here are amaranthine."

"Considering you can take it with you now, I wish new arrivals would bring more than these uncomfortable postmodern ottomans."

Eh. Apparently it was this or pregnancy on Earth. I'll take that trade.

"Who would have guessed that these wings come with a vagina."

I know how you feel. There is no eggsit strategy.

Here in Homo Heaven we have to deal with our ovarian envy.

Heaven's a metaphor for New Yorker cartoons...humorless.

When they're old enough we get to push them off the cloud. Some fly back, some fall into oblivion, but the screams are always amazing.

Look at it this way -- you'll have peace and God's love for all eternity, a billion times more joy than you can imagine. You must have lived quite a virtuous life! Congratulations!

"...And that's the real reason why I left your mother and you when you were a baby. Course, she's in hell and we'll never be seeing her again, but I'm not too mad about that. Oh. Sorry."

"You think you have it rough, think about the poor broads that gotta _pass_ these things."

"The Madonna here is not obscene."

"It's not the sitting on the egg I mind, it's that when it hatches, this lizard thing crawls up your asshole and starts feeding and then it bursts out of your chest, and then Sigorney Weaver shows up in her little grey undies, kills it and the whole thing starts all over again. That's what I mind."

"He does this every Easter."

Like you, I don't know how Spielberg convinced God to use us to hatch these dinosuar eggs for Jurrasic Park 3. I'm guessing he's a fan.

"This is egg heaven, you're not supposed to enjoy it."

So you see, it really is "In eggshells, she's day-oh!"

"Jesus it's cold up here. 25000 ft. up on cirrocumulus cloudlets and they give us loose robes and sandals. It's 30 fucking below!"

"Who would have thought the seven seals would be giant eggs? Man, the way it kicks and wiggles every now and then is really starting to weird me out--I say we go down there and finish enriching that uranium for them."

"My son, you must rejoice in the rapture of accepting Jesus Christ as your Personal Huevo."

"Does that make you hot?"

"When I complained He asked 'Has thou seen March of the Penquins?'"

"All of the sudden sticking those firecrackers up Lucifer's ass doesn't seem like such a wise idea..."

"...and so,...hey listen,.guess what this guy said...are you listening?..., this guy said "If you don't shut up I'm going to give it to you"..that's something, isn't it?..that's the last thing I remember....what do you think abour that? Huh? Huh?

....Keep looking down there...when it freezes over I'll get my Cubs hat out and we'll celebrate."

"You know, I'm beginning to think, the halos and clouds and so forth notwithstanding, that this isn't actually Heaven, but is in fact Hell. For one thing, the boredom here is so oppressive that it feels like we're being punished, not rewarded. For another, I was a rapist."

"Oh, stop brooding."

"The weatherman said today will be mostly cloudy, with a chance of bacon."

"The rapturous joy of the wings and halo just doesn't quite seem to outweigh that whole punch clock dealio."

When the big guy gets tired of frittatas, that's when.

"Constipation's the worst, though... after a couple of days, you start to look like some freakish snowman."

Jessica, it's heaven. Please don't cry. I was a bull dike too.

There's not a goddamn thing intelligent about THIS design.

Whoever designed THIS is NOT intelligent.

"Okay, Horton, let me get this straight: Hoo's on first?"

Hemorrhoid Heaven [apologies to tom]

"So it's true: There is no god. But soon there's gonna be a hell of a lot of 'em."

“Jesus did say, ‘At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven‘ But he didn‘t say anything about parthenogenesis. Or eggs. He didn‘t say there wouldn‘t be parthenogenesis egg-laying.”

"You look like an angel."

"Sucking eggs with your asshole is fucking hard."

If I ever make it out of this place I'll tell you where I'd go. Zihuatanejo. Mexico. Little place right on the Pacific. You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific? They say it has no memory. That's where I want to go after all this. A warm place with no memory. Open up a little hotel right on the beach. Buy some worthless old boat and fix it up new. Take my guests out charter fishing...You know, in a place like that, I could use a man that knows how to get things.

"At first I was gonna resign, and then I thought: 'I've done nothing wrong!' I just wanted to get a piece of toilet paper off my shoe so it wouldn't distract me from the sinfully illicit gay sex I wanted to engage in with an undercover cop."

"Well, where did you think they got the eggs for angel food cake?"

Sitting on these eggs is almost as futile as posting a caption contest entry after the winners have been announced.

"Don't be so disappointed. Down in hell, they're being henpecked for eternity."

Better to reign in hell, than to be served platitudes in Heaven.

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