The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #113
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Sir or ma'am! You have violated one of the rules of our hotel! And I am overreacting in an improbable and deliciously comic way!" My Man Godfrey
Finalists
"People think that 'Shoot-you-in-your-sleep Inn' is just a funny name for a motel. But once I shoot them in their sleep, they don't think it's so fucking funny anymore." Ed C
"Excuse me, ma'am, but is that a silencer on a revolver? That won't work; it'll just make the sound come out of the cylinder instead of the muzzle. You must be the worst assassin ever." John Tabin
Honorable mention
"Housekeeping! I have a gun!" JohnnyB
"Yippie kai yay, maid service." Louie
"Room service revolver!" kejo
"Doom service!" Stevo Darkly
"And one effective assassination technique is to dress up as a maid. Anyway, we'll continue your hit man lessons after you've had a chance to check in to your room and shower." Dan McCoy
Comments
"When a woman’s partner is stiffed, she's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of her. She was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it. And it happens we're in the housekeeping business. Well, when one of your organization gets stiffed, it's-it's bad business to let the non-tipper get away with it, bad all around, bad for every housekeepers everywhere."
"Who sent me? God sent me, Harold. You know God, Harold, the guy that cleanliness is next to?"
"Maid service, motherfucker!"
"Housekeeping! I have a gun!"
"The path of the traveling man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the unkempt and the tyranny of sloppy men. Blessed is she who, in the name of Oreck vacs and Clorox, shepherds the weak through the valley of the dishabille, for she is truly her house's keeper and the finder of dust bunnies. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and defile my bathrooms. And you will know I am the maid when I lay my vengeance upon you."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 10, 2007 9:44 AM
Those "anonymous" ones were from me. Sorry
Posted by: JohnnyB | September 10, 2007 9:45 AM
"Housekeeping!"
"It's not that sort of hotel, Mr Sturbridge, and we have a strict policy against it!"
"I'm Dog's grandmother, Bea Chapman, motherfucker, and you'd better believe that's Bea as in 'bitch' so just open the fucking door and let me change your dirty sheets before this shit gets real.!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 10, 2007 9:55 AM
"I know, it's weird. I wouldn't have to do this if they would just call the exterminator. Frickin management."
Posted by: Deborah | September 10, 2007 9:56 AM
[Snaked! That'll teach me to waste time on research]
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 10, 2007 9:59 AM
I guess you're the obsessive-compulsive type, with a handkerchief to clean that doorknob. Well, I'm the homicidal-psychopathic type, with a fully-loaded Beretta 8000 to clean out the contents of your skull. Welcome to Days Inn, motherfucker.
I know you're in there, Marv Albert! Drop the hooker and come out with your hands up, wearing women's underwear or not!
Posted by: kejo | September 10, 2007 10:07 AM
"Yes, I saw the sign, sir, but I WILL disturb you if you don't allow me to restock that mini-bar right now!"
"Move along, sir. Nothing to see here."
"Gimme back my son!"
"Lupe, I swear to God, if you don't come out here with my lucky duster right now, I will shoot the pupil-less bastard in Room 23. His blood will be on YOUR hands!"
Posted by: gary | September 10, 2007 10:29 AM
Sit tight, Mr. Glockstein. The kleptomaniacal rat-bastard who stole our pupils is in this room! Of course I can't see anything, but I'll just shoot at every possible angle and I'll be bound to at least wing him!
Posted by: Anonymous | September 10, 2007 10:30 AM
"Yeah, this gun puts the 'chamber' in 'chambermaid.'"
Posted by: Tim H | September 10, 2007 10:31 AM
"Oh, great, he's turning around now - you just had to sneeze right then, didn't you, jackass?"
"Shhhhh! Shut UP! Would you hush? Mommy will let you play cars in the hallway after she finishes this one important task!"
"Like I always say, sir, a loaded gun always adds a certain hilarious frisson to an otherwise mundane cartoon situation."
Posted by: Vance | September 10, 2007 10:33 AM
That last, "Sit tight, Mr. Glockstein" was mine.
Posted by: kejo | September 10, 2007 10:33 AM
"Er...I believe, by now, that's the late Harry Bliss."
Posted by: Tim H | September 10, 2007 10:34 AM
"Perfume cart, ma'am. No, don't worry about finding your atomizer -- I have one right here."
Posted by: Joshua | September 10, 2007 10:59 AM
"Do you hear that? Young love. I tell you what, sir, it's enough to make me masturbate with this massive dildo."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | September 10, 2007 11:22 AM
"Harriet the Spy is all grown up and ready to play."
Posted by: Anonymous | September 10, 2007 11:22 AM
“Yeah, well you forgot to put the Do Not Shoot sign on the doorknob, Frankie!”
Posted by: dwilk | September 10, 2007 11:25 AM
DUN-dun dundun DUN-dun...dundun do-do DOO dododo... oh sorry, is the music in my head bothering you?
Posted by: simsburybear | September 10, 2007 11:26 AM
Yippie kai yay, maid service.
Posted by: Louie | September 10, 2007 11:28 AM
"Too bad they removed the carpeting last week. Would have made one hell of a horror movie."
Posted by: Elad | September 10, 2007 11:34 AM
“I said check out time is 11:00 AM SHARP!!”
Posted by: dwilk | September 10, 2007 11:39 AM
"And one effective assassination technique is to dress up as a maid. Anyway, we'll continue your hit man lessons after you've had a chance to check in to your room and shower."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | September 10, 2007 11:40 AM
"Sounds dirty in there."
Posted by: Francis | September 10, 2007 11:45 AM
"Fuckin' rock stars think they own the place."
"I heard Russell Crowe is in this room, and I just want to be prepared."
Posted by: Melanie | September 10, 2007 11:48 AM
"My husband won't be cheating on me again after this. The hot fantasy scenario we've cooked up involving an undercover spy dressed as a cleaning woman breaking into an unsuspecting businessman's hotel room should excite him sufficiently to reignite his fidelity."
Posted by: Francis | September 10, 2007 11:49 AM
By the way, Melanie's second caption should win the real contest.
Posted by: Francis | September 10, 2007 11:50 AM
William Shakespeare was born and died on April 23. His first folio of plays was published in 1623 and his wife Anne died the same year. Basketball legend Michael Jordan wore 23 for the Chicago Bulls. His dad was also murdered on July 23, 1993, during a botched robbery. Kurt Cobain was born in 1967 and died in 1994. Both years add up to 23: 1+9+6+7=23 and 1+9+9+4=23. The author William Burroughs was so gripped by numeric coincidences surrounding 23, he kept a scrapbook of his findings. I personally have murdered every guest who has stayed in Room 23 this year. Oh, and Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times when he was assassinated. Coincidence? I think not.
Posted by: kejo | September 10, 2007 12:10 PM
“It’s Mildred in housekeeping. The front desk sent me up here to check out all your complaints."
Posted by: dwilk | September 10, 2007 12:14 PM
Hey Kejo,
There was a movie out in the past year or so titled '23'. Check it out.
Posted by: Anonymous | September 10, 2007 12:19 PM
I'll teach him to regret saying that Sara Silverman is funny!
Posted by: Joe | September 10, 2007 12:46 PM
"Romney's Campaign Offices Burglarized"
Posted by: Kathy H | September 10, 2007 1:04 PM
"He had the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on his door. I don't normally use a silencer."
Posted by: Ed C | September 10, 2007 1:11 PM
Room service revolver!
Posted by: kejo | September 10, 2007 1:14 PM
"I don't know anything about your mini-bar, sir. In case you couldn't tell, I don't actually work for the hotel."
Posted by: Ed C | September 10, 2007 1:14 PM
"Mossad!" uh, I mean "Maid service!"
Posted by: mk | September 10, 2007 1:23 PM
"People think that 'Shoot-you-in-your-sleep Inn' is just a funny name for a motel. But once I shoot them in their sleep, they don't think it's so fucking funny anymore."
Posted by: Ed C | September 10, 2007 1:27 PM
I forgot my master key.
Feel free to take anything you want from my cart. I'm about to quit anyway.
I couldn't believe it when I got a call back.
I heard a thousand people auditioned to be in R Kelly's music video. Did you let him pee on you too?
Posted by: Amy | September 10, 2007 1:34 PM
"Don't worry, sir, you're in one of our Deluxe Businessman's Suites. So I'll probably only put one in your leg."
Posted by: Ed C | September 10, 2007 1:48 PM
"Unglue me from this door or I'll shoot out the light fixture!"
"I'm just going to clean the room, but if someone tries to rape me I plan to shoot them."
"Greg! Marcia! Jan! Bobby! Cindy! Peter! You have ten seconds. If your clothes aren't back on by the time I kick down this door, I'm blowing all six of your goddamn heads off. And trust me, you'd rather deal with me than with Sam 'the Butcher'."
Posted by: Rubrick | September 10, 2007 1:59 PM
"You wouldn't believe how much being cross-eyed helps me see through peepholes."
"Please look away, sir, while I blow this fly to smithereens."
"Sir, this room holds the perp who tampered with your doorknob, removing the baseplate and shifting it toward the door's center. I'm going in now to blow the bastard away."
"Stolen AV equipment and spilled beard dye are bad enough- but no one gets away with wearing our linens."
Posted by: LV | September 10, 2007 2:13 PM
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir, but we've had another report of an infestation of miniature cavemen in the Live Volcano Suite.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 10, 2007 2:20 PM
"Hey, mister! I bet I can ricochet a bullet off the ceiling and into your luggage without even looking! See, I've got my face turned away. Are you watchin'?"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | September 10, 2007 2:38 PM
"You still owe me turn down service. And don't forget the fucking mint this time."
Posted by: Matt | September 10, 2007 2:48 PM
"No, don't look at me. Suicide's a big decision and I can't afford to be unduly influenced one way or the other."
Posted by: David John | September 10, 2007 3:01 PM
"Open up or I permanently curb Larry David's enthusiasm."
Posted by: C@L | September 10, 2007 3:06 PM
"Freeze, MotherFu...Zzzzzzz...damn narcolepZzzzzzzzzzzzzz."
Posted by: Chris | September 10, 2007 4:03 PM
Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the maid!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 10, 2007 4:40 PM
The casing on this peephole isn't quite flush with the door. Let me sand it down with this battery-powered metal lathe, and then I'll check yours.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 10, 2007 4:43 PM
"Excuse me, ma'am, but is that a silencer on a revolver? That won't work; it'll just make the sound come out of the cylinder instead of the muzzle. You must be the worst assassin ever."
Posted by: John Tabin | September 10, 2007 5:52 PM
"Housekeeping! HOUSEKEEPING! Would you like a choc-o-leet?"
Posted by: Michael in la | September 10, 2007 7:10 PM
* * (Two stars) - Despite strong performances by an all-star cast, "La Femme Annie" ultimately fails to deliver a satisfying film experience.
Posted by: mypalmike | September 10, 2007 7:15 PM
"(sotto voce) This is what you have to look forward to if you were thinking of pocketing our bathrobes and/or towels."
"I wasn't talkin' to you, you Hotels.com-nickel-and-dimin' cheap ass mo-fo'. I'd suggest you hustle into your room before I turn the light off for ya, if you know what I mean. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a room to clean."
Posted by: Michael in la | September 10, 2007 7:22 PM
This? This is mangement's response to the bathroom fungus and bacteria's attempt to unionize.
Posted by: klh | September 10, 2007 8:25 PM
Would you like to come in for a nightcap and see what I'm packing?
When the AARP travel agent told me this year's convention would be a high caliber event, I didn't take it literally!
Let's get undercover in my room and I'll prove to you I'm not Rudy Guiliani!
Posted by: jeena | September 10, 2007 8:41 PM
Come out with your dirty sheets, or I'll drill ya full of tiny cavemen.
Posted by: Dave | September 10, 2007 9:46 PM
"Do not disturb", my ass!
Posted by: Dave | September 10, 2007 9:48 PM
Go ahead, make my bed.
Posted by: Dave | September 10, 2007 9:51 PM
Please come outside. There's a man out here, and his legs are stuck in a suitcase, and I think I may shoot him.
Posted by: Chloe | September 11, 2007 12:01 AM
"I see some chubby kids in there."
"In that case, could you save me a leg?"
[from inside]
"Mom! Don't open the door! I swear, Hamburglar and I were just studying!"
"Hi, Mrs. McDonald."
Posted by: George | September 11, 2007 12:27 AM
"I'm killing a couple of midgets. Do you mind?"
Posted by: mypalmike | September 11, 2007 12:42 AM
Rosa Klebb, the later years
Posted by: Richard | September 11, 2007 2:27 AM
"When you're done over there I could use some fresh towels and a blow job."
Posted by: Matt | September 11, 2007 3:20 AM
"I'm a deer hunter, see? I collect antlers. And I overhead the guys at the front desk saying, 'Check out the magnificent rack on the guest in Room 22.'"
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | September 11, 2007 4:14 AM
"You want to smoke? Open the door. I'll show you some fucking smoke!"
Posted by: dwilk | September 11, 2007 7:19 AM
"Sniff... This is Timmy...The bad priest just left..Sniff... His room key said '23'... Please stop him"
"I know, I know... the room numbers are confusing. This is room 16... and you are across the hall in room 23. Next to you is room 14 and 11... But I have bigger fish to fry, mister"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 11, 2007 9:04 AM
"Ever hear of a made man? Well, I'm a maid woman."
Posted by: Tim H | September 11, 2007 10:27 AM
"I've already shot one tiny hole in each of these doors, but I think I'm going to shoot a second hole in this one."
Posted by: Francis | September 11, 2007 11:13 AM
"Asskicking."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | September 11, 2007 11:51 AM
"Candygram."
Posted by: al in la | September 11, 2007 12:49 PM
"I call my cart René. You got a problem with that?"
Posted by: Tim H | September 11, 2007 1:30 PM
"I love the fact that I literally and figuratively have my back up against the wall."
Posted by: Tim H | September 11, 2007 1:40 PM
"The name's Drew... Nancy Drew."
Posted by: jim M | September 11, 2007 2:41 PM
"Polishing your knob again, Mr. Winchler? Well, stop for a minute and help me fill in the blank- lather,____,repeat; lather,____,repeat. What am I missing?"
Posted by: LR | September 11, 2007 2:47 PM
"So, how do you like that wheely luggage ting you got dere, huh? Izzit workin' for ya? 'Cuz I'm tinkin' of tradin' in my cart fer one of dose tings, so whaddaya tink?"
Posted by: jim M | September 11, 2007 3:22 PM
"When we starred as the sleek and deadly Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
we never thought we'd get old. Well, guess what? We got old."
"Yeah, it's too bad Bliss can't draw eyeballs."
Posted by: jim M | September 11, 2007 3:30 PM
"Mai~aid...Can I stick, er, make up your room now?"
Posted by: LR | September 11, 2007 4:04 PM
23? Wait this isn't my room. My room's across the ha-- never mind.
Posted by: Becca | September 11, 2007 7:33 PM
"Senator Craig, I've been sent to assist you with check out."
Posted by: C@L | September 11, 2007 7:44 PM
"Bond. Jane Bond."
Posted by: dwilk | September 11, 2007 8:42 PM
"Zagats says that you'll be blown away by the service at this hotel."
Posted by: David | September 11, 2007 8:59 PM
"I’m sanitized and I’m here for your protection."
Posted by: Dex | September 11, 2007 9:38 PM
"Veni vidi boom-o-leevio."
Posted by: Chris | September 12, 2007 8:48 AM
"The sheets here are obscene. In addition, the minibar is overpriced."
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2007 9:34 AM
"The bed bugs here are huuuuge."
"Uh oh," thought Rupert, "the blood vessel in my head is acting up again."
"Blind Shoot 'Em Up Hotel" will not be seen today in order for us to bring you...
Posted by: Mo Buck | September 12, 2007 10:37 AM
Miss just one day and the tile mold gets really fisky.
Posted by: klh | September 12, 2007 10:57 AM
Miss just one day and the tile mold gets really frisky.
Posted by: Anonymous | September 12, 2007 10:58 AM
(David's "blown away" should be in the real contest.)
Posted by: Captain Obvious | September 12, 2007 11:06 AM
Matrix MCXVII: Finding Neo
Posted by: vmd | September 12, 2007 11:19 AM
"I always thought fear belonged to other people. Weaker people." JODIE FOSTER. THE BRAVE ONE. OPENS SEPTEMBER 14.
Ssshhh. WNBA finals. Double OT. Three seconds to go.
Posted by: Optimus Sub-Prime | September 12, 2007 11:33 AM
You've left the lights on for the last time, Bodett!
Posted by: therblig | September 12, 2007 12:36 PM
Bruno certainly chose the right hotel for this year's Corporate Survival Training Seminar.
Posted by: Dr. Flute | September 12, 2007 5:14 PM
"Mr. Costanza, this is Lupe. I'm here to make an adjustment. I understand you're not happy with the way I tucked in your sheets."
Posted by: Dr. Flute | September 12, 2007 5:22 PM
"Doom service!"
Posted by: Anonymous | September 12, 2007 8:51 PM
Hey! "Anonymous" right above ("Doom service!") was me.
BTW, I'm digging the entry by "therblig" at Sept. 12, 12:36 PM. Digging it the most.
Posted by: Stevo Darkly | September 12, 2007 8:53 PM
(David's "blown away" should be in the real contest.)
You're right. How about...
"Sigh. I can never get these damn keycards to work."
Posted by: David | September 12, 2007 9:12 PM
"This room's supposed to be empty!"
Posted by: Ed C | September 12, 2007 10:06 PM
"I hate when I have to shoot a guest, because I'm the one who has to clean it up."
Posted by: Ed C | September 12, 2007 10:19 PM
"And would you believe this is the fourth one this week? I swear, sometimes, it seems like all I do is change sheets, empty ashtrays, and shoot people."
Posted by: Ed C | September 12, 2007 10:26 PM
"Vould you like some fresh bullets in your
ass Mister Johnsown?"
Posted by: BA | September 12, 2007 10:28 PM
"I hope that's you really taking a shower in there instead of making it look like you took a shower yesterday by splishing some water around the tub, making me
have to change everything for nothing.
Just because you're embarrassed being a dirty pig shouldn't mean I have to dance like a monkey for you."
Posted by: BA | September 12, 2007 10:48 PM
"If I can't eliminate all the semen stains,
at least I can eliminate some of the the semen makers."
Posted by: BA | September 12, 2007 11:06 PM
"He looks harmless Mr. Falcone.
Want me to pat him down Mr. Falcone?
Thanks for the opportunity Mr. Falcone."
Posted by: BA | September 12, 2007 11:38 PM
Don't mind me, I just want my daughters prom night to be memorable... and her date dead.
Posted by: Brian L | September 13, 2007 2:26 AM
"Sir or ma'am! You have violated one of the rules of our hotel! And I am overreacting in an improbable and deliciously comic way!"
"Sir! I have misunderstood your request for a good or service offered by this hotel! The name of the good or service you have requested rhymes with a word or phrase referring to some act or acts of violence! I will now perpetrate this violence!"
"Sir or ma'am! You have committed some minor transgression -- a transgression of the sort that business travelers have grudgingly learned to tolerate, even as they daydream of answering the transgressions with cathartic acts of violence! I will now commit this violence!"
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | September 13, 2007 2:31 AM
Doug, are you sure this is the only way you can get hard? It's our honeymoon, for Christ's sake!
Posted by: Alan | September 13, 2007 8:00 AM
"Warriors! Come out and plaaaayaaaay!"
Posted by: David | September 13, 2007 8:09 AM
"Your towels are obscene!"
Posted by: stcolerdige | September 13, 2007 2:15 PM
" 'Dirty' Harry? It's the ''Cleaning' Lady' "
Posted by: stcoleridge | September 13, 2007 2:45 PM
"Sic Semper Tyrannus!"
Posted by: Kathy H | September 13, 2007 4:32 PM
I always clean up after a hit.
Posted by: Nell | September 13, 2007 5:59 PM
"Psssst... This is Timmy. Shoot the priest. Shooot the preeeeest!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 14, 2007 8:55 AM
"Sir, this is the hostage negotiator, I am sorry to inform you that no one is willing to pay a ransom for Brittany since her on stage bra and panties performance!"
Posted by: jacal5@optonline.net | September 14, 2007 10:05 AM
"Oh, don't you worry...You certainly won't be the first stain left on that comforter."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | September 14, 2007 6:13 PM
"I'm going to say it just one more time, sir...Take the towel out of your bag."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | September 14, 2007 6:15 PM
"11 o'clock! It's check out time, mother fucker..."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | September 14, 2007 6:18 PM
"Okay, now what do you have to say about my 'big, puckered, jelly ass'?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | September 14, 2007 6:19 PM
"Okay, very slowly, Mr. Radosh...just tuck that crooked little cock of yours back into your jammies and answer me this...what's metal, hot and hankering to part your balls from their comfy sack and has shown up now in the last 2 New Yorker cartoons?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | September 14, 2007 6:24 PM
"Management has a new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of our customers. I'm part of the surge."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 14, 2007 7:05 PM
"MARY KAY here- with your Lip Plumping Conditioner"
Posted by: Henry Kleinberg | September 14, 2007 11:36 PM
"This will only take a second, Mr. Belichick."
Posted by: dwilk | September 15, 2007 8:22 AM
"Sir, this is Hotel Security, there have been too many complaints about loud, erotic noises coming from your room, so Freida, our hotel manager, wants to give you a complimentary security guard to protect you from our horny single female guests and a free upgrade to her suite whenever you are in town!"
Posted by: jeena | September 15, 2007 8:50 AM
As Bond prepared to enter his new room at the retirement home, his heart suddenly stood still. Maybe there was still a chance for love in this cold, unforgiving new world.
Posted by: Richard | September 15, 2007 12:09 PM
The worst theater lobby card in the history of animated cinema.
Posted by: Greg | September 15, 2007 1:29 PM
"Niagara Falls: slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch..."
Posted by: RichM | September 15, 2007 3:09 PM
"Maid-to-Order Fantasies"
Posted by: C@L | September 15, 2007 9:50 PM
This is a sting operation. I want my sports memorabilia back!
Posted by: stavrogin | September 15, 2007 10:16 PM
You saw nothing, bitch, or I'll fuck you up like I fucked up Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.
Posted by: stavrogin | September 15, 2007 10:20 PM
"I'm an assassin from Britain's M-AIDS agency (Maids Against Insects, Dust, and Sleaze), it will be over quickly, enjoy your London vacation."
Posted by: jeena | September 16, 2007 7:56 AM
"Yes sir, I'm Kathie Lee Gifford, I just caught Frank screwing around with another airline stewardess, and I'm going to blow his soft heads off, above and below the waist!!"
Posted by: jeena | September 16, 2007 8:48 AM
"New management purchased these multi purpose carts for housekeeping after they laid off the security guards."
Posted by: jeena | September 16, 2007 11:11 AM
"I can't BELIEVE you read my diary!!"
Posted by: Kathryn | September 16, 2007 11:15 AM
Scene from The Brave One, Part IV
"They've left me with feces-stained sheets three days in a row. I don't
take that kind of shit from nobody!"
Posted by: David F | September 16, 2007 12:50 PM
"Checkout time, sucker!"
Posted by: GilbertBob | September 16, 2007 6:21 PM
"Don't worry old man, Daddy Hilton will never know I'm really Paris in a fat suit under this lame maid uniform trying to get another homemade sex tape back from the latest loser I dated!"
Posted by: jeena | September 16, 2007 6:43 PM
"Lots of people get it wrong... they get 'whacked' by a MAID, man... not a MADE-MAN!"
Posted by: Johnny V | September 17, 2007 9:02 AM