September 10, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #113

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Sir or ma'am! You have violated one of the rules of our hotel! And I am overreacting in an improbable and deliciously comic way!" —My Man Godfrey

"People think that 'Shoot-you-in-your-sleep Inn' is just a funny name for a motel. But once I shoot them in their sleep, they don't think it's so fucking funny anymore." —Ed C

"Excuse me, ma'am, but is that a silencer on a revolver? That won't work; it'll just make the sound come out of the cylinder instead of the muzzle. You must be the worst assassin ever." —John Tabin

Honorable mention
"Housekeeping! I have a gun!" —JohnnyB

"Yippie kai yay, maid service." —Louie

"Room service revolver!" —kejo

"Doom service!" —Stevo Darkly

"And one effective assassination technique is to dress up as a maid. Anyway, we'll continue your hit man lessons after you've had a chance to check in to your room and shower." —Dan McCoy

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"When a woman’s partner is stiffed, she's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of her. She was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it. And it happens we're in the housekeeping business. Well, when one of your organization gets stiffed, it's-it's bad business to let the non-tipper get away with it, bad all around, bad for every housekeepers everywhere."

"Who sent me? God sent me, Harold. You know God, Harold, the guy that cleanliness is next to?"

"Maid service, motherfucker!"

"Housekeeping! I have a gun!"

"The path of the traveling man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the unkempt and the tyranny of sloppy men. Blessed is she who, in the name of Oreck vacs and Clorox, shepherds the weak through the valley of the dishabille, for she is truly her house's keeper and the finder of dust bunnies. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and defile my bathrooms. And you will know I am the maid when I lay my vengeance upon you."

Those "anonymous" ones were from me. Sorry


"It's not that sort of hotel, Mr Sturbridge, and we have a strict policy against it!"

"I'm Dog's grandmother, Bea Chapman, motherfucker, and you'd better believe that's Bea as in 'bitch' so just open the fucking door and let me change your dirty sheets before this shit gets real.!"

"I know, it's weird. I wouldn't have to do this if they would just call the exterminator. Frickin management."

[Snaked! That'll teach me to waste time on research]

I guess you're the obsessive-compulsive type, with a handkerchief to clean that doorknob. Well, I'm the homicidal-psychopathic type, with a fully-loaded Beretta 8000 to clean out the contents of your skull. Welcome to Days Inn, motherfucker.

I know you're in there, Marv Albert! Drop the hooker and come out with your hands up, wearing women's underwear or not!

"Yes, I saw the sign, sir, but I WILL disturb you if you don't allow me to restock that mini-bar right now!"

"Move along, sir. Nothing to see here."

"Gimme back my son!"

"Lupe, I swear to God, if you don't come out here with my lucky duster right now, I will shoot the pupil-less bastard in Room 23. His blood will be on YOUR hands!"

Sit tight, Mr. Glockstein. The kleptomaniacal rat-bastard who stole our pupils is in this room! Of course I can't see anything, but I'll just shoot at every possible angle and I'll be bound to at least wing him!

"Yeah, this gun puts the 'chamber' in 'chambermaid.'"

"Oh, great, he's turning around now - you just had to sneeze right then, didn't you, jackass?"

"Shhhhh! Shut UP! Would you hush? Mommy will let you play cars in the hallway after she finishes this one important task!"

"Like I always say, sir, a loaded gun always adds a certain hilarious frisson to an otherwise mundane cartoon situation."

That last, "Sit tight, Mr. Glockstein" was mine.

"Er...I believe, by now, that's the late Harry Bliss."

"Perfume cart, ma'am. No, don't worry about finding your atomizer -- I have one right here."

"Do you hear that? Young love. I tell you what, sir, it's enough to make me masturbate with this massive dildo."

"Harriet the Spy is all grown up and ready to play."

“Yeah, well you forgot to put the Do Not Shoot sign on the doorknob, Frankie!”

DUN-dun dundun DUN-dun...dundun do-do DOO dododo... oh sorry, is the music in my head bothering you?

Yippie kai yay, maid service.

"Too bad they removed the carpeting last week. Would have made one hell of a horror movie."

“I said check out time is 11:00 AM SHARP!!”

"And one effective assassination technique is to dress up as a maid. Anyway, we'll continue your hit man lessons after you've had a chance to check in to your room and shower."

"Sounds dirty in there."

"Fuckin' rock stars think they own the place."

"I heard Russell Crowe is in this room, and I just want to be prepared."

"My husband won't be cheating on me again after this. The hot fantasy scenario we've cooked up involving an undercover spy dressed as a cleaning woman breaking into an unsuspecting businessman's hotel room should excite him sufficiently to reignite his fidelity."

By the way, Melanie's second caption should win the real contest.

William Shakespeare was born and died on April 23. His first folio of plays was published in 1623 and his wife Anne died the same year. Basketball legend Michael Jordan wore 23 for the Chicago Bulls. His dad was also murdered on July 23, 1993, during a botched robbery. Kurt Cobain was born in 1967 and died in 1994. Both years add up to 23: 1+9+6+7=23 and 1+9+9+4=23. The author William Burroughs was so gripped by numeric coincidences surrounding 23, he kept a scrapbook of his findings. I personally have murdered every guest who has stayed in Room 23 this year. Oh, and Julius Caesar was stabbed 23 times when he was assassinated. Coincidence? I think not.

“It’s Mildred in housekeeping. The front desk sent me up here to check out all your complaints."

Hey Kejo,
There was a movie out in the past year or so titled '23'. Check it out.

I'll teach him to regret saying that Sara Silverman is funny!

"He had the 'Do Not Disturb' sign hanging on his door. I don't normally use a silencer."

Room service revolver!

"I don't know anything about your mini-bar, sir. In case you couldn't tell, I don't actually work for the hotel."

"Mossad!" uh, I mean "Maid service!"

"People think that 'Shoot-you-in-your-sleep Inn' is just a funny name for a motel. But once I shoot them in their sleep, they don't think it's so fucking funny anymore."

I forgot my master key.

Feel free to take anything you want from my cart. I'm about to quit anyway.

I couldn't believe it when I got a call back.
I heard a thousand people auditioned to be in R Kelly's music video. Did you let him pee on you too?

"Don't worry, sir, you're in one of our Deluxe Businessman's Suites. So I'll probably only put one in your leg."

"Unglue me from this door or I'll shoot out the light fixture!"

"I'm just going to clean the room, but if someone tries to rape me I plan to shoot them."

"Greg! Marcia! Jan! Bobby! Cindy! Peter! You have ten seconds. If your clothes aren't back on by the time I kick down this door, I'm blowing all six of your goddamn heads off. And trust me, you'd rather deal with me than with Sam 'the Butcher'."

"You wouldn't believe how much being cross-eyed helps me see through peepholes."

"Please look away, sir, while I blow this fly to smithereens."

"Sir, this room holds the perp who tampered with your doorknob, removing the baseplate and shifting it toward the door's center. I'm going in now to blow the bastard away."

"Stolen AV equipment and spilled beard dye are bad enough- but no one gets away with wearing our linens."

Sorry for the inconvenience, sir, but we've had another report of an infestation of miniature cavemen in the Live Volcano Suite.

"Hey, mister! I bet I can ricochet a bullet off the ceiling and into your luggage without even looking! See, I've got my face turned away. Are you watchin'?"

"You still owe me turn down service. And don't forget the fucking mint this time."

"No, don't look at me. Suicide's a big decision and I can't afford to be unduly influenced one way or the other."

"Open up or I permanently curb Larry David's enthusiasm."

"Freeze, MotherFu...Zzzzzzz...damn narcolepZzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Look upon me! I'll show you the life of the maid!

The casing on this peephole isn't quite flush with the door. Let me sand it down with this battery-powered metal lathe, and then I'll check yours.

"Excuse me, ma'am, but is that a silencer on a revolver? That won't work; it'll just make the sound come out of the cylinder instead of the muzzle. You must be the worst assassin ever."

"Housekeeping! HOUSEKEEPING! Would you like a choc-o-leet?"

* * (Two stars) - Despite strong performances by an all-star cast, "La Femme Annie" ultimately fails to deliver a satisfying film experience.

"(sotto voce) This is what you have to look forward to if you were thinking of pocketing our bathrobes and/or towels."

"I wasn't talkin' to you, you Hotels.com-nickel-and-dimin' cheap ass mo-fo'. I'd suggest you hustle into your room before I turn the light off for ya, if you know what I mean. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a room to clean."

This? This is mangement's response to the bathroom fungus and bacteria's attempt to unionize.

Would you like to come in for a nightcap and see what I'm packing?

When the AARP travel agent told me this year's convention would be a high caliber event, I didn't take it literally!

Let's get undercover in my room and I'll prove to you I'm not Rudy Guiliani!

Come out with your dirty sheets, or I'll drill ya full of tiny cavemen.

"Do not disturb", my ass!

Go ahead, make my bed.

Please come outside. There's a man out here, and his legs are stuck in a suitcase, and I think I may shoot him.

"I see some chubby kids in there."
"In that case, could you save me a leg?"

[from inside]
"Mom! Don't open the door! I swear, Hamburglar and I were just studying!"
"Hi, Mrs. McDonald."

"I'm killing a couple of midgets. Do you mind?"

Rosa Klebb, the later years

"When you're done over there I could use some fresh towels and a blow job."

"I'm a deer hunter, see? I collect antlers. And I overhead the guys at the front desk saying, 'Check out the magnificent rack on the guest in Room 22.'"

"You want to smoke? Open the door. I'll show you some fucking smoke!"

"Sniff... This is Timmy...The bad priest just left..Sniff... His room key said '23'... Please stop him"

"I know, I know... the room numbers are confusing. This is room 16... and you are across the hall in room 23. Next to you is room 14 and 11... But I have bigger fish to fry, mister"

"Ever hear of a made man? Well, I'm a maid woman."

"I've already shot one tiny hole in each of these doors, but I think I'm going to shoot a second hole in this one."



"I call my cart René. You got a problem with that?"

"I love the fact that I literally and figuratively have my back up against the wall."

"The name's Drew... Nancy Drew."

"Polishing your knob again, Mr. Winchler? Well, stop for a minute and help me fill in the blank- lather,____,repeat; lather,____,repeat. What am I missing?"

"So, how do you like that wheely luggage ting you got dere, huh? Izzit workin' for ya? 'Cuz I'm tinkin' of tradin' in my cart fer one of dose tings, so whaddaya tink?"

"When we starred as the sleek and deadly Mr. and Mrs. Smith,
we never thought we'd get old. Well, guess what? We got old."

"Yeah, it's too bad Bliss can't draw eyeballs."

"Mai~aid...Can I stick, er, make up your room now?"

23? Wait this isn't my room. My room's across the ha-- never mind.

"Senator Craig, I've been sent to assist you with check out."

"Bond. Jane Bond."

"Zagats says that you'll be blown away by the service at this hotel."

"I’m sanitized and I’m here for your protection."

"Veni vidi boom-o-leevio."

"The sheets here are obscene. In addition, the minibar is overpriced."

"The bed bugs here are huuuuge."

"Uh oh," thought Rupert, "the blood vessel in my head is acting up again."

"Blind Shoot 'Em Up Hotel" will not be seen today in order for us to bring you...

Miss just one day and the tile mold gets really fisky.

Miss just one day and the tile mold gets really frisky.

(David's "blown away" should be in the real contest.)

Matrix MCXVII: Finding Neo

"I always thought fear belonged to other people. Weaker people." JODIE FOSTER. THE BRAVE ONE. OPENS SEPTEMBER 14.

Ssshhh. WNBA finals. Double OT. Three seconds to go.

You've left the lights on for the last time, Bodett!

Bruno certainly chose the right hotel for this year's Corporate Survival Training Seminar.

"Mr. Costanza, this is Lupe. I'm here to make an adjustment. I understand you're not happy with the way I tucked in your sheets."

"Doom service!"

Hey! "Anonymous" right above ("Doom service!") was me.

BTW, I'm digging the entry by "therblig" at Sept. 12, 12:36 PM. Digging it the most.

(David's "blown away" should be in the real contest.)

You're right. How about...

"Sigh. I can never get these damn keycards to work."

"This room's supposed to be empty!"

"I hate when I have to shoot a guest, because I'm the one who has to clean it up."

"And would you believe this is the fourth one this week? I swear, sometimes, it seems like all I do is change sheets, empty ashtrays, and shoot people."

"Vould you like some fresh bullets in your
ass Mister Johnsown?"

"I hope that's you really taking a shower in there instead of making it look like you took a shower yesterday by splishing some water around the tub, making me
have to change everything for nothing.
Just because you're embarrassed being a dirty pig shouldn't mean I have to dance like a monkey for you."

"If I can't eliminate all the semen stains,
at least I can eliminate some of the the semen makers."

"He looks harmless Mr. Falcone.
Want me to pat him down Mr. Falcone?
Thanks for the opportunity Mr. Falcone."

Don't mind me, I just want my daughters prom night to be memorable... and her date dead.

"Sir or ma'am! You have violated one of the rules of our hotel! And I am overreacting in an improbable and deliciously comic way!"

"Sir! I have misunderstood your request for a good or service offered by this hotel! The name of the good or service you have requested rhymes with a word or phrase referring to some act or acts of violence! I will now perpetrate this violence!"

"Sir or ma'am! You have committed some minor transgression -- a transgression of the sort that business travelers have grudgingly learned to tolerate, even as they daydream of answering the transgressions with cathartic acts of violence! I will now commit this violence!"

Doug, are you sure this is the only way you can get hard? It's our honeymoon, for Christ's sake!

"Warriors! Come out and plaaaayaaaay!"

"Your towels are obscene!"

" 'Dirty' Harry? It's the ''Cleaning' Lady' "

"Sic Semper Tyrannus!"

I always clean up after a hit.

"Psssst... This is Timmy. Shoot the priest. Shooot the preeeeest!"

"Sir, this is the hostage negotiator, I am sorry to inform you that no one is willing to pay a ransom for Brittany since her on stage bra and panties performance!"

"Oh, don't you worry...You certainly won't be the first stain left on that comforter."

"I'm going to say it just one more time, sir...Take the towel out of your bag."

"11 o'clock! It's check out time, mother fucker..."

"Okay, now what do you have to say about my 'big, puckered, jelly ass'?"

"Okay, very slowly, Mr. Radosh...just tuck that crooked little cock of yours back into your jammies and answer me this...what's metal, hot and hankering to part your balls from their comfy sack and has shown up now in the last 2 New Yorker cartoons?"

"Management has a new strategy for winning the hearts and minds of our customers. I'm part of the surge."

"MARY KAY here- with your Lip Plumping Conditioner"

"This will only take a second, Mr. Belichick."

"Sir, this is Hotel Security, there have been too many complaints about loud, erotic noises coming from your room, so Freida, our hotel manager, wants to give you a complimentary security guard to protect you from our horny single female guests and a free upgrade to her suite whenever you are in town!"

As Bond prepared to enter his new room at the retirement home, his heart suddenly stood still. Maybe there was still a chance for love in this cold, unforgiving new world.

The worst theater lobby card in the history of animated cinema.

"Niagara Falls: slowly I turn, step by step, inch by inch..."

"Maid-to-Order Fantasies"

This is a sting operation. I want my sports memorabilia back!

You saw nothing, bitch, or I'll fuck you up like I fucked up Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

"I'm an assassin from Britain's M-AIDS agency (Maids Against Insects, Dust, and Sleaze), it will be over quickly, enjoy your London vacation."

"Yes sir, I'm Kathie Lee Gifford, I just caught Frank screwing around with another airline stewardess, and I'm going to blow his soft heads off, above and below the waist!!"

"New management purchased these multi purpose carts for housekeeping after they laid off the security guards."

"I can't BELIEVE you read my diary!!"

Scene from The Brave One, Part IV

"They've left me with feces-stained sheets three days in a row. I don't
take that kind of shit from nobody!"

"Checkout time, sucker!"

"Don't worry old man, Daddy Hilton will never know I'm really Paris in a fat suit under this lame maid uniform trying to get another homemade sex tape back from the latest loser I dated!"

"Lots of people get it wrong... they get 'whacked' by a MAID, man... not a MADE-MAN!"

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