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August 6, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #109

Daniel Radosh

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"I don't trust that Arab guy sitting back there." —Harry

"Too bad that little bottle of antibacterial lotion you had was over 3 ounces, or we'd have us an extra seat right now." —Ed C

"He's the disease, and I'm The Cure — well, one of their former bass players, anyway. We travel together, just so I can say that to people." —Walt

Honorable mention
"He wants to change seats with me -- he says you remind him of the giant creature whose gut he occupies on his own world." —abe

"That? I found him in my carrion luggage." —therblig

"Me? I am the director of the CDC... and this is my large Staph" —Johnny V

"Don't know if it's a dendrite or a micro-tubule or a synapse. but he just put something in me bum." —anonymous

"Ah, so that's who ordered the kosher meal." —Elad


"He wants to change seats with me -- he says you remind him of the giant creature whose gut he occupies on his own world."

"He just told me that he really has to split."

"He's your son, you tell him to stop being a giant amoeba."

“Would you mind switching seats with me? I’m sitting next to something really gross.”

“I think it’s a paramecium, but let me ask.”

“What, that? It’s just a stuffed Sponge Bob that I won at a carnival. I didn’t want to check it because it’s full of cocaine.”

"He says his name is T.A. Winchler. I don't believe him."

Him? He's a terror cell.

That? I found him in my carrion luggage.

It'th a thingle thell organithm

Check her out! She's fat enough -- she doesn't need to be wearing a shirt with horizontal stripes. What not to wear? That shirt!

I pinched my thumb in the damned seat belt lock! Stupid seat belt lock!

I thought this was American Airlines, not Canadian Airlines!

I figured Danny had it bad enough, what with his psoriasis, cyclopism, hirsutism, and degenerative bone disease, but now we find out that the airline lost his clothes and he has to fly to Atlanta naked?

What did he mean when he said that you enrolled him in the "Mile-High Club?"

I've heard of giant amoeba (Amoeba proteus), but this is ridiculous!

He won't keep his pseudopod off my junk!

"The sky marshalls here are obscene."

"He asked me to help him with his seat belt and then dissolved four of my fingers!"

He says he's a protist singer, but I find him stentorian.

“I always bring my DNA with me just in case.”

"I'll tell ya one thing, he's a hell of a lot better company than that naked guy I had to sit next to on my last flight."

"I told him getting on the plane for a long flight was the wrong time to take LSD. ...Mmmmm... LSD."

"He just hid his shampoo and toothpaste inside his amorphous body and the TSA waved him right along!"

"Judging by the fact that it has a clearly visible nucleus containing its DNA, I would say that it's not a bacterium. And if you think it's a virus, well then you're just retarded."

"He said he's going to the big anti-war protist."

"I don't trust that arab guy sitting back there."

"I puked SO much it wouldn't fit in the barf bag and I had to buy it an extra seat. HI-YO!"

"He has no legs, why does he get the aisle seat?

"So I sez to him, 'Hey, bacillus, you crazy bacterium, how the hell are you!' Nothing - no response."

"I brought along a couple of microbes. i hope you don't mind."

“So here we are, shrunken to the size of microbes, on a journey through an important diplomat’s colon, delivering this biogenetically engineered life-saving mutapolypdecimizer. Meanwhile, a crack team of nanoproctoengineers are traveling up my ass, doing exactly the same thing! Why, this really is a fantastic voyage, and I’ve no idea why I seem so angry about it!”

“I can’t believe I had to buy a whole second ticket for my ejaculate collection.”

"I don't care how 'special' the Amish head cheese is, I'm not sitting next to it all the way back to LA."

"He says he paid $300 less for this flight than we did!"

"He says his name is Declan and he'd be very glad to meet you in the Airport Marriott after the flight."

"Evidently this guy's a foreigner."

"He's my son and I love him but you're right, he does smell like John Merrick's ass."

"Check out Mr Fancy with the skin lesions and deformed skull."

"You mention my germ I breaka you face, capisce?"

Instead of "a couple of microbes" that should be, "I brought along a paramecium, I hope you don't mind."

"...so then I hitched my way 3000 miles back to college. Say, you're pretty--will you do me?"

"They should really wash these airplane blankets once in a while."

"Check out that blind girl, pretending she can read the newspaper!"

"One goddamned little bag of peanuts, and Mr. I Have A Deathly Allergy gets all dramatic!"

"Now he's just being cilia."

”There's always room for Jell-O!"

"He says his name is Barack Amoeba and he's running for president."

"You won't believe what this Cissaldan motherscratcher just said it wanted to do to me!"

"On three, let's roll and/or flagellate. Pass it on."

"Amoeba? I barely even know'a!"

"I have had it with these motherfucking paramecia on this motherfucking plane!"

My vat of styling gel got confiscated,so I have to use my own DNA.

"Get a load of this guy - says 'CBS InFlight' is his favorite thing about traveling."

"Excuse me, ma'am, do you speak jive?"

"What, you think I'm happy about it? But with Bush's new restrictions on stem-cell research, blastocysts aren't allowed in first class."

"Can you believe it? The crew made a starch molecule put on a seat belt! You'd think they never heard of osmosis!"

"Trust me, lady: When the stew comes around with dinner, do NOT get the lasagna!"

"Get this... He says Fox News is biased! What part of 'fair and balanced' do these people not understand? I tell you, these liberals are just plain pond scum."

"I got tired of sitting next to this thing, so I'm trying to hitch a ride out of here."

"I don't mind switching to the window seat if you two want to sit together."

"He's gonna be in for an unpleasant surprise if the oxygen masks drop down-- he's anaerobic."

He's not just the Cilia Club President...he's also a member.

"Are you seeing this? There's a bizarre, hideous creature in the next seat!"

"Watch this... I'm gonna stick my thumb in there and pull out an organelle."

"You call that a 'Fonz' impression? Watch a pro in action... 'AAAAY!'"

"Your name is Celia? What a coincidence--that's my wife's name, too!"

"I only pissed my pants cause THIS jerk wouldn't let me out into the aisle without trying to digest my ankle."

"Jesus, wouldja listen to mister yakkity-yakkity-yak here? It's been two hours and he still won't shut up! Would YOU kindly tell him nobody cares about the big schism between the Prokaryotes and the Eukaryotes?"

[Oops. that anonymous was me.]

Flagelli, you crazy, um, bitch!

"I could be mistaken, but I think this lowlife just flipped me off"

"I try not to be a speciest, but you have to fucking draw the line somewhere."

That jerk said I have a funny looking nose!

"I said 'blog,' not 'blob'!

"Since when do they make you wear seatbelts on the Long Island Rail Road?"

"She says she's the adopted daughter of Judith Giuliani and that she's totally supporting Barack Obama."

"At least it's not a toddler."

"I told you it was a bad idea to bring a Chicgao deep-dish pizza 'with the works' on a six-hour cross-country flight."

Not an entry, just a regular old comment:

My guess is that therblig's "terror cell" entry was some part of the actual submitted headline. Too dangerous for the New Yorker, of course.


I'm a single male and she's a single cell. eHarmony thinks it's a perfect match.

I pulled my thumb outta my ass and this popped out.

He says he's flying to Canada so he can drive across the border without a hassle. Andrew Speaker will pick him up from there.

"I was allowed only 2 carry on bags. One was my travel bag, the other was my scum bag."

"He thinks this plane is going to Jupiter. That's in Florida, isn't it?"

"I am gathering it's called a 'Mecium'. It's spouse missed the connection in Memphis. At least I'm not sitting with a 'Pair a Mecium'. Get it???! Ha ha ha....Okay then FUCK YOU, you bitch with no sence of humor!"

"This, my friend, is a loogie I hacked up that will undoubtably put my name in the Guinness book of World Records!"

Oh that? It's a genus of ameboid protozoa characterized by the presence of a vesicular nucleus, usually one contractile vacuole and lobopodia. It also looks hideous and stinks, but I guess you figured that out for yourself...

"It's just some bug that's going around."

It's a mother fuckin' cell on a mother fuckin' plane!

Comment: apologies to mypalmake...missed your entry...I'll toss mine back in the petri dish.

Ah, so that's who ordered the kosher meal.

"He just told me Harry Potter dies at the end. Fuck."

This guy smells like ass.

Jesus, Sponge Bob has really let himself go.

"He claims he invented the cel phone."

"the blind girl's reading a magazine, and here I am next to her seeing eye blob."

“I found it in my refrigerator.”

"He keeps checking out the blind gal."

That's my son! I'm flying him to see a specialist. God damn Harry Potter role playing games. You think it's pretty funny, don'tcha!!

"It was supposed to be Spongebob Squarepants, until they put it throught he x-ray machine. Spongebob Squarepants is a popular children's cartoon, and though he doesn't really look much like this, I figure people will see what I'm talking about. Many times, a joke like this hinges on every reader misinterpreting a part of the imagine in the same way. Do you see what I mean lady, or do I draw you a diagram?"

An amoeba splits.
Its two halves play peek a boo -
Pair of me-see-ums.

"All I said to him was 'A little CO2 Dave?'
and he got all pissed off."

" I mean if a guy's gonna have a fried egg and Cheerios for breakfast do I have to sit here and look at it for 6 hours?"

"All I said was "Can you pass the salt?' and he got all pissed off."

"For Christ's sake, if I'd known you had us flying coach, I would've had myself vaccinated against the bourgeoisie."

Ironically, MY name is Edward Bola.

If he takes the last 755 bags of peanuts again, I'm going straight to Herb Kelleher.

Ugh I can see his Golgi apparatus.

Just lower your head slowly. Shhh, shhh. No, he's sleeping. That's right, nice and easy. Lower, lower. :::slurp:::

He's one cell of a guy.

Are you staring at my double chin again? Here, get a closer look!

This isn't what I had in mind when I asked about cell service.

Can you believe this asshole wants to watch Osmosis Jones?

He says that if the Rapture comes during this flight, he, the pilot and co-pilot, and maybe a couple of other passengers will disappear, and the rest of us poor suckers are going down in a fiery blaze! But at least we will be spared the Tribulation, with the rise of the Antichrist, and the seas and rivers turning to blood, and the opening of the seven seals, and he just keeps going on and on. Here, he gave me this Chick tract, you can read it.

"He's not just the president of the Hair Club for Men -- he's also a member."

"Remember that question we had about gonorrhea? Well look here - our lucky day."

"I don't know about you, but I could go for a denver omelette covered in hair about now."

"You tell her. My wife wants yet another procedure, but I say she's just addicted to plastic surgery."

"Too bad that little bottle of antibacterial lotion you had was over 3 ounces, or we'd have us an extra seat right now."

"All I'm saying is that if we let things like this deter us from flying, the terrorists and their giant amoebas have already won."

"Me? I am the director of the CDC... and this is my large Staph"

"Can you believe that? They ran out of cranberry juice. It's a 14 hour flight and they ran out of cranberry juice."

“She always gets that look when we’ve had a fight.”

"Let's roll."

"So I says to the guy next to me...'Bump into me one more time and it's ADIOS, AMOEBA!"

"This will put the 'Germ' in Germany!"

It's always my luck to get seated next to a religious fanatic. I just told him if he could even locate it, to cram Jesus up his ass.

"At least he's not that guy who flew with the really bad TB.... unless this IS the guy with the really bad TB."

I always wind up sitting next to some guy who wants to spill his guts to me. Must be my magnetic personality. My name is Ernest by the way. What's yours?

"Meet Phlegm- spent years bringing him up."

"Lady, you're just gonna have to hold it 'cause you're not getting to that aisle since I'm not movin' 'til pigs fly. No, 'til amoebas fly. Ha! What?

“It’s my wife, blob blob blob, blob Blobara Ann!”

"I'm bringing him back to the Museum of Modern Art. He escaped from a Joan Miro painting."

"How did this schmuck get the aisle seat?"

(1) "The Bush administration has clearly misled the American people about the presence of giant single-celled organisms on commercial flights."

(2) "Did you see that guy in front of us with his headphones on? The movie's not starting for another half-hour! What a weirdo."

(3) "My first wife actually died in a plane crash. And my second wife, as you can see, is a giant amoeba. I don't know why I just told you that. I'm sorry. I always share too much with strangers."

"He's pissed off 'cause he didn't catch Barry Bonds' 756th home run."

"Look, lady, this is the way I hitchhike. Do you wanna make a federal case out of it?"

Boy howdy, I am famished! I brought my own breakfast: two doughnuts, a fried egg, a sausage patty, and not to mention, innumerable home fries! As you can clearly see, I keep said breakfast in a large transparent amorphous container which I have belted to the adjacent seat. Sure, I had to pay for an extra ticket, but it's worth it! Well, it's probably not worth it. What? You say that my large transparent amorphous container looks like something that crawled out of the Burgess Shale? How dare you! Now, kindly remove your hand from my johnson! I am no longer interested in casual sex with strangers on this plane! Well, maybe I am a little interested. You can put it back. Anyway, what's the deal with airport security these days?

"Hey lady, I do not recommend the egg salad. Look what just crawled outta MY ass!"

"This just proves my point that nobody really cleans out the inside of these airplanes."

"So what? Some people steal towels from the hotel. I steal the comforter."

"Peanut allergy."

"I'm not sitting on the toilet seat after him!"

"He says that every time he hears the song Tequila he inserts the word amoeba in its place."

"Since the lifespan of an amoeba is about two days, this guy'll probably croak before we get off the runway."

This link should work: lifespan of an amoeba

"I'll say one thing. This guy is taking attention away from my hideously grotesque beak of a nose."

Sorry, 99, for using your 'nose' idea

"Big deal! So you suffer from Hypochondria! This guy suffers from Mitochondria!!"

"So I says to him..."YER OUT".. He gets in my face..."You are blind, ump'", he says... What? Yeah, I see the amoeba...Anyway I says to him..."

"...So the guy at the ticket counter is all "I'm sorry sir, we can't allow you to fly with tuberculosis." Long story short, I had to do a few things I'm not very proud of...I never leave home without my TB. Ain't that right sweetie?"

"At least you got the window seat, I'm stuck next to SpongeBob TardPants over here..."

"If we stop suddenly, he gets cut in half. Of course, for him that's a good thing."

"Excuse me, sir, but on my planet, that gesture is considered extremely offensive."

"It's my incurable cancer."

I know there's got to be a joke somewhere about George Bush and his followers treating a zygote as equivalent to a living human being - but I've tried and tried - and I can't come up with the joke. I invite anyone else to come up with something on this theme.

"I'm going to lodge a complaint about this guy as soon as the stewardess comes by. I think he might be some sort of disease bacillus."

"He's the disease, and I'm The Cure — well, one of their former bass players, anyway. We travel together, just so I can say that to people."

I'm all for diversity, but you look Jewish, so hit the road, lady!

"No lady, I'm not related to Michael Doonesbury OR Jughead, and I have no fucking clue what this thing next to me is...Why, oh why did I fly Jet Blue??"


"I'm going to lodge a complaint about this thing as soon as the stewardess comes by. I think it might be some sort of disease bacillus."

"I know some people get worried about germs on airplanes, but... you know what I mean? I mean, this is ridiculous! Look at this guy! Oh, man... you know? That's one big germ!"

"I sort of have a phobia of germs, so sitting next to a giant germ makes me pretty uncomfortable."

Only one of my ears popped. Kinda odd, don't you think?

My neighbor actually wears foil on his head to keep the government from reading his mind. Strangest thing you've ever seen...

"I don't mind single-celled organisms in coach, but they shouldn't let them sit in the emergency row."

"Did you see the size of the bag this guy fit in the overhead compartment?"

I was going to say, "Good evening, ladies and germs", but there's only one germ, and you're no lady, so forget that idea. Let's just say he's the object of my infections. Where's my fucking drink order?

"'What's that?' THAT, my dear lady, is what we call 'hand jive'."

"Crap, I didn't know you wanted the last 2 donuts. I gave them to the guy in the seat next to me."

"Get a load of Miss Hollywood with the sunglasses on."

"I'm six beers away from fucking that thing."

"Soul Mates?!?? God no! We are Cell Mates!"

The gentleman to my left would like me to ask you if you might join him in the bathroom for a little mitosis.

Don't know if it's a dendrite or a micro-tubule or a synapse. but he just put something in me bum.

He said something about being a Legionnaire.

Got any Vagisil?

"The cilia tickle my ear. It's driving me nuts!"

"I've heard of viral advertising, but this is disgusting!"

"I told her not to drink the water, but she just had to learn for herself."

Ixnay on the onorrheagay okesjay.

"That ain't a me bud."

"If I didn't let him have the aisle, he'd be riding my ass the whole flight!"

"This personal injury lawyer dude just can't stop pushing the envelope..."

These business guys. It's always "Cell! Cell! Cell!"

"One of these days, Alice... One of these days... POW! Right in the kisser!"

This is the last time I'm flying on Jet Blob!

Maybe when we get to LA we'll treat Ms. Ahmmie Ba to an extreme makeover!

"It's really is amazing how much things expand in high altitudes."

Check out this guy--hogging the vacuole rests.

"Okay so he's setting a record for distance traveled by a single-cell organism. All I'm sayin' is he looked a lot small on his rookie card."

(let me try that again)

"Okay so he's setting a record for distance traveled by a single-cell organism. All I'm sayin' is he looked a lot smaller on his rookie card."

"Look what is sitting next to me. Can you believe that noone could come up with a funny or lame comment all yesterday about this?!!"

(sotto voce) "He tells me he's with the TSA."

"He's a bacilli, and he's a crazy bastard."

"Rosemary something. Hell yes, IT was a difficult delivery"

"What, him? Oh, yes, he is my son. What, no, I did not marry a bacteria! For God sakes, I married a danged FLAGELLATE ameoba, you blind bat!

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