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July 30, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #108

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"Since we lost the baby, he just spends all day out there, in this 'garage' thing he built. It's like he can't even stand to be around me." —Ed C

Finalists
"He clubs me, drags me by my hair to his cave. But who's the bitch now?" —Alison

"Whoa, from here the volchano looks like it's — hey, did I say 'volchano' when I tried to say 'volcano'? Ha ha! 'Volchano'! That's not even a word!" —Jonathan Harford

Honorable mention
"Ever since his wife died from carbon monoxide poisoning, he just leaves the door open like that." —Ben Lohman

"Ever since Fred Flintstone trampled his daughter with his convertible, Stanley just stands in front of his house, sweeping and sweeping." —gary

"I had to nag my husband until he agreed to clean out the garage. Even here in pre-modern times." —John Tabin

"Did you ever notice how evolved men sweep their garage one way, and cavemen sweep it like -- What's that? We've been cancelled by ABC? Really? Right in the middle of this joke? You couldn't at least wait 'till the next commercial?" —TKC

"I was trying to reach the trash with that bottle but it broke on his driveway...I guess people who live in stone houses shoudn't throw glass." —al in la |

"He still has the big rock that he borrowed from us in April. I needed it the other day when I was setting up Tivo." —Adam G

"What did one caveman say to another caveman? 'Hey, can I help you 'shed' some light in your cave?' Ah, crap, that made no sense. But you get the gist of it." —Harry

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

What a cunt.

"Oh Great. We'll probably be zoned 'Commercial' and no-one will ever want to buy this place."

"Look who's developed the use of tools! (snicker)"

"Look at the bright side. It's not a WalMart!"

"Sure his place blocks the view... but it's not lava-proof like our home."

"Grug smart. Build house. House made of wood. House have garage. No car. Car pollute. Shit... volcano mad. Grug's fault."

"Grog say no touch popcorn mountain spew."

"I thought this neighborhood was zoned "Lesbians Only.'"

I just love our monolithic dome home. It uses half the energy of a conventional home.

"My husband won't do housework. And why is he sweeping when that volcano is just going to get ash all over the place anyway? Wanna shag?"

"That hermit is wealthier than we are. As hermits."

"It's a good neighborhood. Nice people. Clean sidewalks. I just wish the volcano wouldn't swear so much."

"Ooh, I want a pegboard for my tools!"

"Mr. Nolte likes to do his own yardwork. He says it keeps him humble."

"Ever since Fred Flintstone trampled his daughter with his convertible, Stanley just stands in front of his house, sweeping and sweeping."

"You know, Bob, sometimes I think that our cave dwelling has become an anachronism here in 2007."

"What are you sweeping for, you moron? You live in a goddamn desert!"

"Hey, look there over the mountains - they're shooting off fireworks in Magog again. Is it the Fourth of Ob already?"

"Gotta hand it to Tony - he's got the best garage-door opener in all of Cyclopsia."

"Oh, sure, he's happy to sweep his beloved tool shed, but doe she ever clean the gutters? And I can't remember the last time he clubbed me a rabbit."

[BTW: > is a legit actual contest candidate.]

[I meant: "I told her getting a cat is not going to solve anything" is a legit actual contest candidate. . .]

"I had to nag my husband until he agreed to clean out the garage. Even here in pre-modern times."

"We couldn't afford to get a matching garage when we had the house designed by Buckminster Fuller or Frank Gehry or whatever 'out-there' architect is most famous among New Yorker readers these days."

"The lava showers here are obscene."

"What the fuck? I thought we were living in caveman times. I mean, seriously: What. The. Fuck?"

Even though we have a garage, we're too dumb to get car insurance.

"The conditions here are Plioscene!"

Ours here is obsidian.

"Pat Robertson says the volcano is erupting because we were allowed to get married."

"Thin, neat and tidy, facial hair - yeah, he's definitely gay, not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Since you're still a virgin, we're sacrificing you to the volcano."

"Hmmmm. Y'know, maybe it is smarter to live in some kind of freestanding garage rather than an abandoned railway tunnel."

"Isn't it ironic that he's sweeping up, getting everything 'perfect' right before that eruption wipes us all away in a maelstrom of violent chaos? I mean, it's like rain on your wedding day."

"Why don't I just run while he's distracted? Stockholm syndrome or some psychotic bullshit like that, I guess. the cave is nasty, but the sex is great."

"What, did you evolve? get the fuck back in here."

"This means that we're going to die out, right?"

"What a tool."


"Hey! Why don't you go and invent the wheel with all of your 'tools.' Jackass."

"The clapboard-and-shingle look is charming, but I prefer a home made out of a mastadon asshole."

"The neighbors are just jealous we got a Roomba. And iPod."

"Someone's gone and put a diaphragm over the volcano. Two guesses who."

"Although experts disagree, I still contend that the H-1B program lets employers pursue younger workers who'll work for less at the expense of qualified, older paleolithic workers."

"Talk about intelligent design!"

"This idea came about from when I was a teacher in public schools in Australia, actually, teaching in the science classes and students saying, "sir, you're a Christian, how can you believe the Bible when we know that's not true because of evolution and what's in our textbooks?" And then when I took them to museums and saw that they were presented evolution as fact, I thought why can't we have a creation museum. And so I had this embryonic idea 25 yeas ago in Australia. But of course, Australia's not really the place to build such a facility if you're going to reach the world. Really, America is."

-- Ken Hamm, Founder of the Creation Museum

"Goddamn gentrification."

"Damn, Geico."

Do you suppose Todd is a little too bourgeoise for this hippie commune?

Thag! We Clan of Cave Bear! Not, Clan of Detached Garage Bear!

He thinks he's Fred Fucking Flintstone.

"As you can see by the lack of vent stacks in the roof, he doesn't have indoor plumbing, nor a stove; so I don't see the point."

"So I told him if you really want to feel more like a man, instead of having your own workshop in the garage, maybe you should start by not wearing a dress."

"We had to build the garage just to store all our anachronisms."

"It's a shame that in 100,000 years there won't be a trace of all his work."

"Wow! We're cave people, but we talk and have modern American things like garages and gender stereotypes! This is hilarious! Why haven't they already made a cartoon out of a situation like this?"

Things are looking up here in the shadow of Mount Diacritic.

"At least he still fucks like a caveman."

It must be the way he was toilet-trained.

I always thought it was the Olduvai Gorge, not the Olduvai Garage.

Ug!

"He always puts the cart before the whores.

If he were truly handy, he'd invent a flush toilet, instead of crapping on the garage floor and then using a push-broom to expel humungous balls of his own feces out the driveway. Hey, Grunk! Eat enough corn last night?!

Look! On the horizon! A ginormous tyrannosaur with a twenty-foot-long erection! And, drat our luck! we're living in a cave shaped exactly like a she-tyrannosaur's vagina! Well, let's just hope that old T. Rex prefers some good-old "garage-door action", if you know what I mean!

So he beats on, broom against the pavement, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

"How Lowe's can you go?"

"We've done it! We've lived long enough to see THE ADVENT OF THE GARAGE. That means the 2nd best thing ever to be invented can't be far behind! GARAGE SALES!"

"If this is what evolution is all about, I'm putting on my flippers and heading back to the marsh."

Correction to above submission:

So he beats on, broom against the pavement, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Change to:

So he sweeps on, broom against the pavement, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

Sweeps, not beats. I think that's better.

"Hey!! It's a dirt floor you prehistoric jackass!!!"

"Christ, I'm horny. When's he gonna stop sweeping with that goddamn thing and come hit us over the head with it?"

"Maybe there's more to being a cyclops than I thought."

"Have you been in the attic? He's got a futon up there."

"Try not to let it bother you."

"He's so creative! He scalped his wife, got a stick and made that cunning sweepy thing."

"After his starring role as 'Captain Caveman' back in the seventies, Unga has just been a stuck-up jerk."

"Looks like we've got us an American living next door."

"Carnivorous predators all about, frequently erupting volcano, stone and sand and hot sun, tampons not to be invented for another million years or so...and the only guy living within a day's walk is a complete fag. Let's face it...Life Sucks."

"Did you ever notice how evolved men sweep their garage one way, and cavemen sweep it like -- What's that? We've been cancelled by ABC? Really? Right in the middle of this joke? You couldn't at least wait 'till the next commercial?"

"Wow, that looks like fun. Do you think he would let us do it for him?"

"Likely a little light in the loincloth."

"...and then he said 'my name isn't Glunk anymore either, call me Jones,' and now I am overcome with the strangest urge to have to keep up with him."

"Lets see if we can sell him some carbon credits."

"Tell me you don't get a little wet when he says, 'A place for every tool, and every tool in its place.'"

"Maybe we shouldn't have spent all our money on the Garage."

oops, lowercase G there.. should read

"Maybe we shouldn't have spent all our money on the garage."

"He was so gosh darn excited when he built it he forgot to make it large enough for the sport utility mammoth.

"The stuck up little prick doesn't want to be called a 'cave man' anymore, I said, 'How about shanty pantywaist.'"

"Homo Erectus... yeah right... HEY GRUG! YOU WEREN'T VERY HOMO ERECTUS LAST NIGHT!!!"

"Wanna guess who insures his car?"

"Oh Crap. Our T-Rex crapped on Brug's driveway again. And that was probably Mrs. Brug he was gnawing on in the corner this morning."

"The lahars here are swept clean."

"A store that sells tools. He may just have something there."

"It was just one big snowball. First it was one tool, then a couple of trees for lumber, and now the whole forest is gone. Now there's no more animals, and frankly I'm afraid of global warming."

"It may seem primative, but he's just trying to let other gay men know he's a bottom."

"I spend countless hours etching beautiful images of bison into the cave and it's called 'primitive art.' Mr. Pollock there spends 5 minutes dripping paint randomly from a broom and it's called 'post-modern art.' Must be the garage."

"Sir, can you help us?! Please! We've just escaped from this cave full of violent, bat-like human cannibals! But more importantly, we need a better agent than the one who got us parts in this lousy movie, 'The Descent.'"

"Here comes the neighborhood."

[ Aside to mypalmike: That caption is too good, and could win the NY contest. To prevail in this one, it should be more like: "Here comes the neighborhood. Fuck." ]

Yeah, well, it will be evolution when he learns to sweep the dirt out of the garage.

"The dilophosaurus was inexpensive for the great mileage we get, but when you're at the dealership you just don't think about the massive turds..."

"Is it 'sweeps month' already?"

"I don't know much about anachronistic cartoons, but I know what I like."

"If only we were animated we could tap into that 'Simpsons Movie' juggernaut."

"What means 'fugly'?"

Impressive, but Java Man has an espresso maker.

Sweeping your drivewaaaay, just before it's blown awaaaay...Isn't it ironic? Or maybe it's tragic - I never can keep my literary themes straight.

"You'd think he'd stop doing that since every time he does do it that God-damned volcano spews."

Ever since that "queen" next door lost his partner, even spurting volcanos have no interest for him.

"Hey, look there over the mountains - they're shooting off fireworks in Salt Lake City again. Is it the Fourth of July already?"

(apologies to gary)

Ahhhhg! Rahhhhhhh! Oooooohg!

"She's having a relapse of hirsutism now that her prescription for cyproterone acetate has run out."

"Wow, a four-wheel garage -- how extravagant."

"That guy personifies a fish out of water."

"That dude's fixin' for a good ass-whuppin'."

"Those broomasaur skeletons sure do come in handy."

I can't tell how far away he is either. That's what sucks about having only one eye.

I find it interesting that Og always listens to Air Supply when he sweeps his driveway.

He clubs me, drags me by my hair to his cave. But who's the bitch now?

"He's convinced that when we do develop motorized transportation parking will be a bitch."

"If we kill him now, we can set back progress a hundred years!"

"What more, Grog talk funny, too."

"Exactly when did hunter-gatherers become hoarder-organizers?"

"No, I don't find his dwelling strange. What I find strange is our place was built AFTER his!"

He can't afford volcano insurance so he's moving to
south Jersey.

"Following on the banal and obvious captions of 'It's a thongbird' and 'The cat is teacher's pet', I guess I'm supposed to say, 'He's very evolved.'"

Ah, but, two hours of pushin' broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
He's a man of means by no means
Shaman of the road.

"Well, you know what they say: 'Evolving is a sign iv love.' ...What? Yeah, if you say it fast enough it sounds like 'of love,' but it has to be spelled that way to be a palindrome."

"Might be a nice bonfire next door tonight."

"Yeah, he's drunk again. I heard his wife teaches feline physics and they're getting one of those pools with the giant wave."

"It's a radical new lifestyle- he calls it Amish."

"Is that mountain erupting? I've never seen a volcano with a pointed summit like that. But if it isn't erupting, what's that stuff in the sky?"

"I was trying to reach the trash with that bottle but it broke on his driveway...I guess people who live in stone houses shoudn't throw glass."

I guess Distant-Mountain-With-A-Suspicious-Hole-In-The-Top has clarified why they threw in a free garage with the cave.

He's been a little depressed lately, ever since Chuck Jr. left home and headed to the west coast. I keep busy just puttering around the cave. How is Bob doing? Is he still drinking?

It was either the garage or a kitchen renovation. And since I can still gather perfectly good smoldering lava to throw on the cave floor to bake the tiger meat, he won the argument.

Sometimes, I can't hear the TV for the eruptions. Jim and I don't talk anymore and there's this itchy spot on my heel that won't go away. Sometimes, I just want to set this mother-fucking cave on fire and burn it down to the ground. But I found out rock does not burn. So, I'm thinking that the garage just might have to do.

In a way, he does remind me of Sartre. In the face of inevitible excution by geothermic cataclysm, he struggles to dissolve into nothingness while eternally sweeping the garage floor. On the other hand, I do see that he is, in reality, nothing more than a precurser to suburban mundanity. Arguably, just another corner of Existential angst.

"Since we lost the baby, he just spends all day out there, in this 'garage' thing he built. It's like he can't even stand to be around me."

"Men are from Earth, women are from Venus."

"He is not dead, but sweepeth"

"He had his eye on the garage upgrade, and I caved."

"Ooga has a feeling the convertible era is right around the corner."

"Spoiler alert! We're all going to be killed by molten lava in the end."

"What a homo."

"You should see his wife's over-the-shoulder boulder holder."

re 7 30 07 1:27p:
Oh, It's a GARAGE; so never mind.

1. Who knew the pegboard had such primitive origins?

or

2. If that is a pegboard, then that implies an elctric drill, and therefore electricity; otherwise at least a brace and bit, both of which seem very unlikely. Do we assume he did all that with a chirt (or jasper) drill?

"Sure, he's neat, but those sex toys creep me out."

"There's the best of times and there's the worst of times. And then there's this."

Oh man, our iceberg never ejaculates.

"Everyone says we're primitive, but that guy has a remote-controlled garage door."

"Lots of folks said he'd never top the wheel, but I think the garage was Dante's peak. Now if only he'd invent something to stop birds from pooping on that pointy rock."

"Jersey is okay for a while, but I want to go back to Manhatten."

"At least now he sweeps the driveway before dragging me by the hair across it."

"You see, our friends had this time machine in their garage......."

Tina's here. We're getting back together.

That dude is so fucking high right now

Next thing you know, he'll be too good for Alabama.

He's with Extreme Makeover: Homo Erectus Edition.

At least I haven't developed agriculture yet....

I hope his insurance is paid up.

Well, I guess it's time to have sex with the bear again.

We don't go over there - that's Noman's land.

"His shingles aren't fireproof. Should we tell him about the volcano?" "Marcy, he molested your daughter." "I know, but our cave has been on the market for WEEKS!"

That garage seems useless without a car of some kind to park inside it. I am deeply saddened by our poverty.

He calls it his "Man Cave".

"You said your husband was getting anal, but I didn't realize you meant 'anal retentive'."

Hey Perfesser! We's standing outside like you told us not tooooo!

"All I'm saying is: 'Looks kinda Mexican.'"

He still has the big rock that he borrowed from us in April. I needed it the other day when I was setting up Tivo.

"He's been depressed ever since a motorcycle cop confiscated his big stone wheel."

"Now all he needs is a new set of wheels."

"All he does is putter around in that damn garage. I miss those wild days when he would drag me around by my hair."

"Steve wears glasses?"

"Yeah, sure, the day he decides to sweep the garage the volcano kills us all."

"A caveman with a garage? What's next, a dinosaur with a gambling problem?"

"I just know somehow he's going to turn this into a 'Shouts and Murmurs' piece."

He borrowed my broom, and now my Hermione costume is incomplete.

"You'd think for all the money he's making on those Geico commercials he'd hire some help."

Cleanliness is next to troglodytes.

"Why would anybody sweep the ground outside? It's like he's just cleaning the dirt off more dirt."

"Whoa, from here the volchano looks like it's -- hey, did I say 'volchano' when I tried to say 'volcano'? Ha ha! 'Volchano'! That's not even a word!"

"Why doesn't he just get one of those tiny elephant vacuum cleaners? Aren't we all supposed to have those?"

"My broomstick is stuck up Og's butt and I still can't get him to walk upright."

Perhaps if we let him have sex with us he will, in exchange, allow us to live in his house and make use of his tools.

The juxtaposition of 20th century architecture with prehistoric existence is inherently funny. I have nothing to add.

I guess it's time to invent Prozac.


"Do you think he's hung?"

Pushing hot molten lava with a push broom seemed like a good idea until Grog's broom caught fire.

"YOUR HUSBAND?! I thought Og was my husband! Gees you are right... Damn, I wish cavepeople didn't look so much alike! So... have you seen my husband anywhere?"

"Hey, Brug... If you don't mind...could you sweep this dead snake up by our cave entrance? I chopped it up yesterday and it's really beginning to reek."


"Dick Armitage literally bombed us back to the fucking Stone Age."

"It's rare to see a blogger in his natural habitat."

"Ten to One he's a Mets Fan."

"I'm confused: Are we supposed to be cavemen or cyclopes?"

"What did one caveman say to another caveman? 'Hey, can I help you 'shed' some light in your cave?' A crap, that made no sense. But you get the gist of it."

I meant "Ahh crap"

The anonymous post - Aug 4, 11:34am is mine, I don't know why my contact info was stripped out.

"Ever since his wife died from carbon monoxide poisoning, he just leaves the door open like that."

"He's a caveman but he has a house or a garage thing like a modern person."

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