The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #107
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"What, did you graduate? Get the fuck back over there." —Bouf la Tete
Finalists
"It just goes to show, you can ruin your marriage with drinking, but you can't teach a cat math." —Ed C
"I told her getting a cat is not going to solve anything." —al in la
honorable mention
"This is really boring. I'm taking you over to Vick's." —Dex
"The woman I love is here, but yet not here. What was once Kathy is now a madwoman, teaching meaningless pseudo-mathematical symbols to a stuffed animal that she has glued to a stool. It is the greatest tragedy of my life; it would have been easier if she had died. Here I sit, drinking myself blind, taking comfort in the company of a dog." —John Tabin
"Matthew Mcconaughey? I think it would go..., something like this." —dwilk
"Ah, Mr. Peabody, my esteemed colleague. Be a good boy: go into your Wayback machine and fetch me another beer. And my youth, while you're at it." —Arthur
Comments
"Yeah, but we've got street smarts."
Posted by: abe | July 23, 2007 10:16 AM
"It's no use, Doris - there is literally no way to explain how my face wound up this way."
"At first it seemed like an OK idea, but homeschooling the dog and cat is really starting to freak me out."
"Here I am, unemployed, just barely buzzed on a six-pack of lite beer, with no motivation and a wife who has clearly gone insane. Could it get any worse? ... oh great, yeah, now I'm hallucinating a dog's head on the tablecloth. Fuck."
Posted by: Vance | July 23, 2007 10:32 AM
"My face was horribly disfigured in an industrial accident and I drink to deal with the post-traumatic stress."
"No, I don't know why she can't just open your dog food cans without a quantum physics lesson."
"What I said was, 'would you shave your pussy?'; what she heard was, 'why don't you teach the cat calculus.'"
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 23, 2007 10:32 AM
"That stuff don't mean 'sit.'"
Posted by: Harris | July 23, 2007 10:32 AM
"Hey, dog, whassup? ...By the way, your mascara is running."
Posted by: Vance | July 23, 2007 10:33 AM
"Oh my god, I'm so wasted right now. Did I ever tell you that you're a good dog? Because you are. You're my best friend. And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm drunk. I mean it, you really are. Good dog."
Posted by: Harry | July 23, 2007 10:34 AM
"Don't worry, boy. Cats are just fascinated by the bizarre, meaningless actions of the hopelessly schizophrenic, that's all. Now, after I finish this beer, I'll take you for a walk!"
"Helen! The dog is undressing me with its eyes again!"
"Move to Tucson to be near her ailing mother, she said. Plenty of jobs for physicists and literature professors in Arizona, she said. My god, Rover, you deserve better than this."
Posted by: Kevin | July 23, 2007 10:39 AM
"I'm so drunk I'll probably kick you later."
Posted by: Harris | July 23, 2007 10:48 AM
The argument for superior cat intelligence rests not on any clever tricks that cats can perform, but on the fact that cats refuse to be trained to do any kind of work and consequently live a life of leisure. But can a cat get DRUNK? I think NOT!
Now, who's my good, smart doggie?
Posted by: simsburybear | July 23, 2007 10:49 AM
She kicked me out after my "pi r round, not squared" joke, that's when I started living in the company break room.
Posted by: Brian L | July 23, 2007 10:51 AM
"So...wanna masturbate again?"
Posted by: Dave | July 23, 2007 11:10 AM
"Get cracking, Fido, or it's Michael Vick Football Fantasy Camp for you this Summer."
"Thoughtless people think cats are smart because they sit still a lot. I know dogs are smarter because they can decide when to shit and not just where. Why you chose now I'll never know you filthy, filthy dog."
Real-Life Winner for Quakers: "They seem superior but they're working on a neutron bomb."
"That's math. It's for pussies. Literature is for us. Hounds. Class will begin just as soon as you get back here with a new six pack. Today we will wrestle metaphorically with our souls by wrestling literally with our naked, oiled bodies."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | July 23, 2007 11:20 AM
"They can dress it up all they want, it's still nothing more than insulting babytalk. Hey, Rex, what say you and me just go BUY ourselves some fucking cheeseburgers?"
Posted by: J | July 23, 2007 11:37 AM
"If you learn to open these cans of pet food before the cat does, I get a BJ. That's why I would like to implant a can opener in your mouth. Please indicate your consent by looking up at me with your innocent puppy dog eyes."
Posted by: Francis | July 23, 2007 11:47 AM
"I guess it's true what they say: you can't teach an old dog new math."
Posted by: Francis | July 23, 2007 11:49 AM
“Let’s try it again, Cosmo. Six beers go into a bag once, then they go into me six times!”
Posted by: dwilk | July 23, 2007 11:49 AM
"Why is that we're the ones who have to wait for dinner just because that fucking cat can't figure out a simple formula?"
Posted by: GilbertBob | July 23, 2007 12:08 PM
"Why is IT that..."
Posted by: GilbertBob | July 23, 2007 12:09 PM
"No I am not going to throw you a stick. I am going to drink some beer and pass out. In case you hadn't noticed, you're part of the Overachiever family now, so go throw your own fucking stick."
Posted by: jmt | July 23, 2007 12:24 PM
"We still make more than they do."
Posted by: al in la | July 23, 2007 12:28 PM
"Bros and canines before hos and felines, am I right, Rover?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 23, 2007 12:48 PM
"Sure, she's giving the cat special attention, but that doesn't make Stacy a whore, Harvey. (BURP) Yes, yes, I know, you are an ancient demon and I must follow your commands, blah, blah, blah. (BELCH) Okay, go fetch my .44 and I'll do it. Just turn off that damn Hall and Oates music."
"What're YOU lookin' at, bitch?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 23, 2007 12:48 PM
"Actually, despite the common gender stereotype, I'm more of a cat person... which is why I'm drinking. I just can't win her affections. Anyway, I guess that makes you the odd dog out."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | July 23, 2007 12:50 PM
"So you can bark the bark. Wanna see me barf the barf?”
Posted by: dwilk | July 23, 2007 12:53 PM
"I think I get why my sponsor warned me not to marry a retard."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | July 23, 2007 1:04 PM
"The woman I love is here, but yet not here. What was once Kathy is now a madwoman, teaching meaningless pseudo-mathematical symbols to a stuffed animal that she has glued to a stool. It is the greatest tragedy of my life; it would have been easier if she had died. Here I sit, drinking myself blind, taking comfort in the company of a dog."
Posted by: John Tabin | July 23, 2007 1:27 PM
"She's practicing for her lecture tomorrow. I think she's really nervous. Wanna beer?"
Posted by: Deborah | July 23, 2007 1:32 PM
"Hey, Honey, when you're done playing teacher with the can, can you help me move the table? It's blocking the refrigerator."
Posted by: John Tabin | July 23, 2007 1:40 PM
Whoops, should be: "Hey, Honey, when you're done playing teacher with the cat, can you help me move the table? It's blocking the refrigerator."
Posted by: John Tabin | July 23, 2007 1:49 PM
Yes, I think needing to develop a proof for 'Because they can' is superfluous.
Posted by: 99 | July 23, 2007 2:00 PM
"She says I'm no better than a dog for not paying attention to her pussy."
"Math is for pussies. I just wanna pound some brewskies and chill with my bitches."
"You smell like Clamato. Or maybe that's all this Clamato."
Posted by: Gregorio | July 23, 2007 2:22 PM
We don't need to teach you any new math. Your talent is painting trompe l'oeil kitchens.
Once they figure out how to open an interdemensional wormhole, we'll have those little 'guests' of yours out of your GI tract in no time.
Posted by: Walt | July 23, 2007 2:38 PM
I liked it better when there was only one canister on the microwave.
Posted by: LOD | July 23, 2007 3:02 PM
"This house needs walls."
Posted by: David F | July 23, 2007 3:05 PM
"See how she is using lines to represent concepts. That is not unlike us; that is, we are also made up of lines and represent a complex set of relationships and systems."
Posted by: Harris | July 23, 2007 3:13 PM
"I hope they fix our TV soon."
Posted by: Deborah | July 23, 2007 3:37 PM
Comment: dwilk's "Wanna see me barf the barf?" is a cheap vomit joke that fails to tie together the scene's elements. It also makes me giggle uncontrollably each time I read it.
Posted by: mypalmike | July 23, 2007 3:54 PM
Daddy drinks because you can't even learn "sit."
Posted by: Charles | July 23, 2007 4:02 PM
"Honey, the dog's bothering me."
Posted by: Tim H | July 23, 2007 4:14 PM
"My beer is Rheingold, the dry beer.
Think of Rheingold whenever you buy beer.
It's not bitter, not sweet.
It's the extra dry treat.
Won't you try extra dry Rheingold Beer?"
Posted by: Tim H | July 23, 2007 4:19 PM
"Look, Milo. Our speed-stacking cups have arrived. We'll show them."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 23, 2007 5:30 PM
"You're wrong....she does not devote more attention to the cat."
Posted by: Greg | July 23, 2007 6:18 PM
"As soon as Elaine finishes conducting her one-kitty orchestra, you can finish showing me your proof of Riemann's hypothesis. In the meantime, stay."
Posted by: mypalmike | July 23, 2007 6:24 PM
Hey, mypalmike! Happiness and absurdity are inseparable.
Posted by: dwilk | July 23, 2007 6:34 PM
"Lets go shit on the lawn."
Posted by: Matt S | July 23, 2007 7:36 PM
"We've completely lost perspective."
Anon
Posted by: anon | July 23, 2007 8:20 PM
"Yeah, but we're better at visualizing things in three dimensions."
Posted by: Francis | July 23, 2007 8:25 PM
"It's cat-culus."
Posted by: Francis | July 23, 2007 8:26 PM
"Yes, Sparky, we realize Timmy is trapped in a well. We're working on it, ok?"
Posted by: Anonymous | July 23, 2007 9:09 PM
" At least you can lick your balls."
Posted by: BA | July 23, 2007 9:48 PM
"So now when the cat understands that the hypotenuse of dragging his ass along the living room floor creates a 30, 60, 90
right triangle, it's going to make a fuckload of difference?"
Posted by: BA | July 23, 2007 10:07 PM
"Which pussy do you want?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | July 23, 2007 10:22 PM
"Fucking budget cuts. Who would ever thunk they'd be putting the school house, the homeless shelter and the dog pound all under the same roof?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | July 23, 2007 10:27 PM
"Don't worry about it, boy. Wait till you see my new bumper sticker: 'My dumb mutt can TREE your honor student.'"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | July 23, 2007 10:35 PM
Beer? I'm actually doing spore growth experiments in these agar cylinders, but thanks for your condescension. It’s because I didn’t shave, isn’t it.
Posted by: Ben | July 23, 2007 10:36 PM
"Honey, when did we get a dog?"
"Okay... I'll play doctor with you, Betty. Ahem... Nurse, do you have the results of that 'Cat Scan?' My 'Lab' work is almost finished...God I know we are doing this all wrong!"
And then I said to the genie,"I want a loyal friend, a woman with an exceptional pussy, and a never-ending supply of beer and chips."
No, honey... that wasn't me... it was... er.. the dog!
I am a good carpenter... It's just that my Straight-Edge wass fucked up.
Posted by: Johnny V | July 24, 2007 7:55 AM
"Yeah, well, I'd suggest your writing your Congressman. The cat did, and they ended up passing the 'No Kitty Left Behind' law.' "
Posted by: Tim H | July 24, 2007 10:16 AM
"Oy, Vey."
Posted by: Jim M | July 24, 2007 10:16 AM
"As a literal 'one-man focus group,' I can say with confidence that generic brand beer and generic brand potato chips beat the rest, hands down."
Posted by: Tim H | July 24, 2007 10:20 AM
"I don't usually display my horribly disfigured right hand in public, but I'll make an exception in your case, 'cause you're so damned cute."
Posted by: Tim H | July 24, 2007 10:24 AM
"Sorry, boy. I guess it's not much fun being
Schrödinger's dog, is it?"
Posted by: Richard | July 24, 2007 10:27 AM
"Sorry, boy. I guess it's not much fun being
Schrödinger's dog, is it?"
Posted by: Richard | July 24, 2007 10:27 AM
"So the New Yorker rejects his cartoon of the drunken guy talking to his dog, and they reject his cartoon of the schoolmarm teaching math to her cat, so Vey simply glues them together and sells it as a caption contest cartoon. Brilliant!"
Posted by: Jim M | July 24, 2007 10:39 AM
Now if only the cat can teach her how to lick herself.
Posted by: Lassez Faire | July 24, 2007 11:17 AM
Go kill the cat Mr. Sniffles.
Posted by: Miss Representation | July 24, 2007 11:19 AM
Later on, when I yell "Who wants some tuna" do NOT be the first one to run into the kitchen.
Posted by: Munkie Sea | July 24, 2007 11:20 AM
What, did you graduate? Get the fuck back over there.
Posted by: Bouf la Tete | July 24, 2007 11:23 AM
Maybe they're trying to design a stool with leg supports.
Posted by: Muff Liato | July 24, 2007 11:34 AM
"My eyes are like this because I've had six beers. What's your excuse?"
Posted by: Jim M | July 24, 2007 11:59 AM
"She's her own best friend."
Posted by: Jim M | July 24, 2007 12:10 PM
She forgot Newtons first law: Pussies are stupid.
Posted by: Brian L | July 24, 2007 12:29 PM
"What time is it when my doggie dropout mauls your honor student? Miller time."
Posted by: LR | July 24, 2007 2:24 PM
"You're supposed to be her guide dog. She thinks she's teaching a class of blind kids how to use a cane, and you just sit there, hoping I'll give you dinner."
Posted by: Jim M | July 24, 2007 3:53 PM
Hell Chompsky, I didn't even know "Cat" HAD a written language. hic'...'nother pretzel?
Beer cans fit right into the lower part of my face? Fat lot of good that does me.
Posted by: zebra | July 24, 2007 4:35 PM
"This is the Knapsack Problem. It's known to be NP-Complete in the general case. Claire and Tiffany over there are working on a polynomial attack on a specific subset sum version."
"Let's give 'em another five minutes before we point out the unbalanced parentheses."
"Don't even think of jumping up on this table."
Posted by: Rubrick | July 24, 2007 5:46 PM
"The knowers here are feline."
Posted by: al in la | July 24, 2007 6:22 PM
"Sheila, I want a divorce. And no, it's not about the whole 'math for cats' thing."
Posted by: Ed C | July 24, 2007 7:53 PM
"It just goes to show, you can ruin your marriage with drinking, but you can't teach a cat math."
Posted by: Ed C | July 24, 2007 8:06 PM
"It's days like this I wish we didn't have to homeschool our hideously deformed son that looks like a cat."
Posted by: Ed C | July 24, 2007 8:10 PM
"Look honey, both of our pets can look at stuff!"
Posted by: Ed C | July 24, 2007 8:11 PM
"I just made a comment, I said 'Math is for the birds', and she's all, 'You're wrong, watch, I can teach math to the cat!' and I'm like 'That's not what I meant, you know that's not what I meant.' But now, I think she really might a thought that's what I meant."
Posted by: Ed C | July 24, 2007 8:27 PM
"Matthew Mcconaughey? I think it would go..., something like this."
Posted by: dwilk | July 24, 2007 8:31 PM
If I hadn't been kicked out of vet school I'd be cutting your balls off right now. Lucky for you and your classmate over there I've managed to hold on to my love of animals.
Posted by: Shawn | July 24, 2007 8:32 PM
"She... removed half my brain .... transplanted it in... cat.... Please!.... dog.... For God's sake.... kill me now!!!!"
Posted by: Richard | July 24, 2007 9:47 PM
Huh-huh-huh. She said BS.
Posted by: Jon FD | July 24, 2007 10:51 PM
CatWomen are from Venus. Dogs like us, baby, we were born to get drunk.
You want a potato chip? Yeah, well I want to return to that young pre-dissertation minx, before she went in search of the purr-fect postulate.
Posted by: Louie | July 25, 2007 12:28 AM
Bouf la Tete: "What, did you graduate? Get the fuck back over there." Should be the winner in the real contest.
Posted by: JohnnyB | July 25, 2007 7:23 AM
"When I married Dr. Moreau, I had not idea I'd spend the rest of my life living in her house of pain."
Posted by: Richard | July 25, 2007 9:32 AM
After you master licking your ass, that's when.
Posted by: Tom | July 25, 2007 11:40 AM
I tried teaching that damn cat greek once. We only got as far as "mu".
Posted by: therblig | July 25, 2007 12:12 PM
Ah, Mr. Peabody, my esteemed colleague. Be a good boy: go into your Wayback machine and fetch me another beer. And my youth, while you're at it.
Posted by: Arthur | July 25, 2007 4:43 PM
They study fluid dynamics their (hic) way, and we [hic) study it our (hic) way.
Posted by: Arthur | July 25, 2007 4:48 PM
"Honey...(hic) Did you ever notish how much the dog (hic) looks like Brian on the Family Guy Cartoons?
Oopsh..(hic) Sorry... didn't realise you were teaching the cat. (hic)"
"Okay... I taught the old dog a new trick... He fetches beer! What did you teach the old cat?"
Posted by: Johnny V | July 25, 2007 5:31 PM
"Yeah but in morning I'll be sober and she'll still be an unempolyed math teacher."
Posted by: al in la | July 25, 2007 7:00 PM
"Ten bucks says that cat will fit in the microwave."
Posted by: dwilk | July 25, 2007 8:56 PM
"Don't worry, boy. I understand that Oscar the Cat will be making a house call real soon."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 26, 2007 11:00 AM
Fuck, who finished the peanut butter?
Posted by: Joe | July 26, 2007 2:01 PM
"This used to be an awesome school. Damn you, Mike Nifong."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | July 26, 2007 7:56 PM
1) It's a thongcat.
2) Cat smart, dog dumb! Woman smart, man dumb!
3) It's a thongdog.
Posted by: My Man Godfrey | July 26, 2007 8:26 PM
"In response to your query....she's trying to get the cat to stop climbing the drapes...yes she's a math professor...yes, her entire environment has been
around school....might it work?....drapes=xy, my ass..."
Posted by: Greg | July 26, 2007 8:53 PM
"Don't worry, her talent tends to be overshadowed by her skittish personality. You'll be a shoe-in for the talent show as soon as you learn to drink straight from the can."
Posted by: Michael in LA | July 26, 2007 10:51 PM
"(@#!!&%) X (@#!!&%) = @#!!&%"
Posted by: dwilk | July 27, 2007 7:05 AM
"Don't you worry, Fido. The cat is stupid. I bet him in 4 out of 7 chess games last night."
"Ruth... are these facial lumps our eyes, or are we viewing the world through the little dots below them?"
"Beatrice, I am on my last beer. I have been thinking about your words earlier... "Wait till you see what I can make my pussy do." But now after looking at the chalkboard I have a feeling I will be chokin' the ol' chicken tonight, huh?!"
Posted by: Johnny V | July 27, 2007 8:27 AM
Sorry... should read:
"Don't you worry, Fido. The cat is stupid. I beat him in 4 out of 7 chess games last night."
Posted by: Johnny V | July 27, 2007 8:29 AM
Oh yeah? Well check this out. Hey Rex, who's third on the all-time home runs list? . . . Wait for it . . . (god-DAMN you, say it, SAY IT, SAY IT)
One of you bitches is gonna lick my balls. Fuck it, both of you are.
At least Rex is still fetching. HEAR THAT, BITCH?
Posted by: Ang Rhee | July 27, 2007 10:52 AM
"One more can of Mountain Dew and I think I'll be ready to go out and get the paper."
Posted by: stcoleridge | July 27, 2007 10:58 AM
"It's a catenary formula"
Posted by: stcoleridge | July 27, 2007 11:01 AM
"I told her getting a cat is not going to solve any thing."
Posted by: al in la | July 27, 2007 1:10 PM
"Be a good boy and let me know when my prosthetic chin arrives in the mail. Thanks."
Posted by: Kathy H | July 27, 2007 5:48 PM
"Fine! Go ahead and teach the cat all the math you want! It's not going to keep me from fucking your sister again."
Posted by: Francis | July 27, 2007 10:37 PM
"This is really boring. I'm taking you over to Vick's."
Posted by: Dex | July 27, 2007 10:38 PM
"Rex? Show Mr. Whiskers what happens to teacher's pet."
Posted by: al in la | July 28, 2007 2:58 AM
"I think you're barking up the wrong tree here, chief."
Posted by: Michael in LA | July 28, 2007 12:11 PM
"Well what did you expect? We've all been quarantined in this place for five fucking years - ever since all four of us came down with that weird eyeball disease! Of course we've all gone batshit crazy!"
Posted by: Richard | July 28, 2007 4:56 PM
"Well what did you expect? We've all been quarantined in this place for five fucking years - ever since all four of us came down with that weird eyeball disease! Of course we've all gone batshit crazy!"
Posted by: Richard | July 28, 2007 4:58 PM
"Well what did you expect? We've all been quarantined in this place for five fucking years - ever since all four of us came down with that weird eyeball disease! Of course we've all gone batshit crazy!"
Posted by: Richard | July 28, 2007 4:59 PM
"Just look at them all. Does coffee really need its own button? Does popcorn? It boggles the mind."
Posted by: J | July 28, 2007 11:22 PM
"No begging."
Posted by: jmt | July 29, 2007 2:18 AM
"Seeing Earth from space after your second Double Diamond--that's the real 'high.'"
Posted by: dwilk | July 29, 2007 12:44 PM
"Chill out, Spot. That kind of math is useless in the real world."
Posted by: Michael in LA | July 29, 2007 1:49 PM
"Quit your bitchin', who showed you how to lick your balls?"
"
Posted by: urban ace | July 29, 2007 3:32 PM
I'll tell ya one thing, Sparky, the Schrodingers can't get back from vacation soon enough for me.
Posted by: Fairleigh Brooks | July 30, 2007 10:01 PM
Man: "Does this like pie ?" --Dog:( what's the use, i'll ask her.)
Posted by: sslabo | November 14, 2007 1:13 PM