July 16, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #106

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Dear Mrs. Miller,

The U.S. Military regrets to inform you that your son, Sergeant Bradley Miller, was killed in the act of duty..." —Brian L

"Well, Koko hardly ever blurbs so just be thankful for 'Sleep nose nipple stupid!' and get over it." —Kevin Guilfoile

"'Got your keys?' What does that m..." —Charles

Honorable mention
"If I wanted Shakespeare I would have asked for Shakespeare! Now get back to that random crap." —Matt S

“It’s not Shakespeare, but at least you’ve stopped defecating on the typewriter.” —GilbertBob

"Don't bother writing home. This letter says your mother was killed in an elephant stampede. I'm so sorry." —JohnnyB

"'Please send me back to the jungle I miss my children'? Oh, Bobo — silly Bobo — your children were poached for their delicious brains." —dean @ t.a.m.s.y.

"You are one ugly old fucker, Mr. Mailer, but goddamn if you don't still know how to make one word go after another!" —TG Gibbon

"Your finest work yet, Mr. Vidal." —HarshestMimzy

"Pix the pucking typewriter, puckwad." —Shawn

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"'Five Monkeys in Search of a Novel.' I like it."

Ber. Who's there?
Fran. Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.
Ber. Long live the King!
Fran. Bernardo?
Ber. He.
Fran. You come most carefully upon your hour.
Ber. 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed, Francisco.
Fran. For this relief much thanks. 'Tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.

Three carbon copies, that's what I said...do it over! What the fuck do you mean "isn't there an easier way to do this?"? Who have you been talking too? Now type!

"The Tragedy of Hamler", well, you're almost there.

"'It was the best of time it was the blurst of times?' Goddamnit! I'm not paying you to write old Simpsons scripts!...Or are I?"

"According to this invoice and my tie this cartoon was first rejected by the New Yorker in 1971."

"Yes, I see you've filled out your complaint in triplicate but you've failed to have each copy individually notarized by the secretary of the de-funding committee. Better luck next time. Now then, open wide and let's have a look at that hippocampus!"

"You are one ugly old fucker, Mr. Mailer, but goddamn if you don't still know how to make one word go after another!"

“These are exceptional, Vance. Have you considered submitting to that other contest?”

The MIT Drama Guild's production of David Ives' "All in the Timing: Six One-Act Comedies" features "Words, Words, Words," performed by real monkeys.

“Listen, you dumb monkey, stop complaining about carpal tunnel syndrome and start writing some more of those fucking sonnets.”

“What’s this? ‘Ode to Gwyneth Paltrow.’ Now we’re getting somewhere.”

“It’s not Shakespeare, but at least you’ve stopped defecating on the typewriter.”

“More important, however, is what I learned about myself.”

"Listen, I'm not asking you to be Shakespeare. But can you at least try and emulate the style of Francis Bacon?"

"At last I have proof that a monkey could have written the script for Pirates of the Caribbean 3"

"'All work and no play...' Very funny, Bongo. But it's off to Revlon with you."

"Another excellent State of the Union speech! I'll run it by Mr. Cheney and see whether he approves."

"I keep telling the president I need more time and more monkeys."

"In the future, let's leave out all the lurid stuff about you and Ms. Goodall, shall we?"

"Euripedes! Your margins are all wrong! Redo! Redo!"

"'Yu ar varry ugli dokter.' What? Are you implying that I'm a fruit?"

"Where’s the evil? I don’t see no evil. Who’s gonna want to read this shit?”

"Well, after 10 years of intensive research I've definitively confirmed my original hypothesis: radioactive typewriters do make monkeys uglier

"Damn it! You've left off the period and the terminal quotation mark on this post to Radosh's blog! Stupid monkey!"

Joyce didn't use a word processor, you stupid monkey.

How about, "James Patterson Presents Death in the Cage, by Bobo"? Would that make you happy?

You know, you have the strength of a full grown man, which means you could kick my bald, liver-lipped ass, so I have to assume the Blue Cross/Blue Shield is more than satisfactory.

"I've given you water, I've fed you after midnight, but all you produce are fake rejection letters from the New Yorker? These wouldn't even be funny in McSweeney's."

If Bonzo could proofread worth shit, I'd have had a complete second draft for you by now.

"'The Adventures of Larry Potter.' Way to go, Rollo -the kids are gonna go ape-shit over this!"

"I don't know much about chimp literature, but, dammit, I know what I like."

"Don't bother writing home. This letter says your mother was killed in an elephant stampede. I'm so sorry."

"'I will not have sex with humans and start another pandemic.' Very good; just type that 9,999 more times."

"Let's see...'To the Editor: How the hell do you expect a hard-working chimp to pony up two bits more for your so-called "Paper of Record" rag? I have asked my collegues to join me this afternoon in a mass crap on your poor excuse for a newspaper.' "

"'Hello Muddah, hello, Faddah...' No, this will never leave Camp Granada, my friend."

"Munkee Want Freedome." No, no, it's "A-P-E ape." Your taxonomy is almost as bad as your spelling.

"All the world's a cage."


"All the world's a cage." No, no, it's "stage" you stupid monkey.

" 'I hate my fellow captives -- from Chimpan A to Chimpan Z.' Funny, but fairly derivative."

Arthur: "'All the world's a cage'?" (with the question mark and internal quotes) should be a winner in the actual contest.

"'I decided; I am the decider?' What kind of illiterate nonsense is this?"

"There's a typo here on page 12,038. You'll have to start over."

"Maybe you've technically met your obligations by the letter of the contract, but you've got another thing coming if you think you can just come in here and type the five words, 'The complete works of Shakespeare.'"

Daniel: OK, I submitted it, just as you suggested. If I get New Yorker spam, I will hold you responsible.

Get your damn dirty ape paws off my keyboard!

"Oh great. 'FD99&JjjjjjjJjjkjjh'. I wonder if Chomsky had to do this kind of bullshit linguistics research when he was at grad school."

Very compelling arguments, but I'm going to suggest changing the title from "God make Monkey Good" to "In support of intelligent design".

"Dear TV Producers of Curious George:

While I applaud your efforts to bring quality educational TV to children in our nation, I must point out a huge error your show promotes. You repeatedly refer to character George as a 'monkey.' Nearly every voice-over after each episode begins, 'George is a monkey."

George has no tail. Monkeys have tails. George is an ape. From the way he's drawn, I would surmise he represents a baby gorilla or a full-grown chimpanzee. You are promoting miseducation. Won't you please think of the human children whose minds you are poisoning?

Typing Specimen C17"

mypalmike: Lemme say what Daniel said to Arthur -- that you have a submission (the one about "The complete works of Shakespeare") that should be a contender for the real contest.

"You see, your feces comes out of this machine as a thin white sheet which feels paperlike and is entirely odorless. Now you can throw your poop around as much as you like without ruining the furniture."

"It’s either crude, babbling and illiterate, or the most sophisticated use of onomatopoeia since Homer’s Odyssey.”

"I'm sorry, Slutwench would never agree to put her name on this one either. I guess she just won't post anything to Daniel Radosh's blog. I hope you're happy, Jojo."

'Hey, I already called "No monkey balls!" —Koko

'Of course I'm into zoophilia!.' —Jacko

[Hm. There's just some feces smeared on the page here.] —Bananas McGee

Honorable mention
'Ooo Ooo Ooo Ooo WAAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH!.' —Dr. Zaius"

Geez, Radosh. You're how far behind deadline in editing "The Week," and yet you've spent the last five hours judging this crap?

"Always scribble scribble scribble, eh, Mr. Chimpo?"

"This one about Stalin's penis is actually pretty funny, Mr. Kaplan."

"Another Huckapoo fan letter? Get back to work on the Shakespeare."

"No, I absolutely refuse to wear a yellow hat."

"Yep, these papers pretty much spell it all out - Murdoch is taking us over. But don't worry, I have a firm promise that he won't interfere with the quality or substance of our editorial page."

"'TWELVE PEOPLES by David Apes and Janet Apes'? Very interesting."

"At this juncture, all I can do is quote from Strunk and White's The Elements of Style: 'Soulwise, these are trying times.' "

"Good work, Jojo. I take back what I said about any monkey being able to do your job."


"Now Stan, I went to bat for you big time because you're a friend of my wife's and you can type like a son of a bitch. So do me a favor, humor them and start wearing some pants."

"'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.'"

"Why, that's not writing. That's typing."

“‘...So in America when the sun goes down and I set on the old broken-down river pier watching the long, long skies over New Jersey and sense all that raw land that rolls in one unbelievable huge bulge over to the West Coast, and all that road going, all the people dreaming in the immensity of it, and in Iowa I know by now the children must be crying in the land where they let the children cry, and tonight the stars’ll be out, and don’t you know that God is Pooh Bear? the evening star must be drooping and shedding her sparkler dims on the prairie, which is just before the coming of complete night that blesses the earth, darkens all rivers, cups the peaks and folds the final shore in, and nobody, nobody knows what’s going to happen to anybody besides the forlorn rags of growing old, I think of Dean Moriarity, I even think of Old Dean Moriarity the father we never found, I think of Dean Moriarity.’ Well! Whadda goooood munkey! Thazza sucha speshul munkey! Munkey wanna summin yummy yummy? ”

"Fascinating. When I began this study, I was sure there was a link between monkeys and pure evil. But I never thought it would turn out to be typewriters."

"HA! This data finally proves my conjecture that given unlimited time and instruction on a typewriter, a group of monkeys will never, ever reach the point of hand-writing 'Gahan Wilson' on random flat surfaces."

"I'm sorry, but even though this article was your idea, it's against our policy to offer authors anything but work-for-hire contracts."

Nice work on this [i]Dodgeball 2[/i] script, Mr. Stiller, but I wish you'd put a shirt on because you're grossing me out!

Make that

Nice work on this Dodgeball 2 script, Mr. Stiller, but I wish you'd put a shirt on because you're grossing me out!

Rhesus Pieces? Y'know, that's actually pretty good . . .

"'Dear Michael, I miss you SSSSSSOOOOO much'?? Listen, Bubbles. Stop writing this crap. You're never going to see Neverland again."

"OK, Cheetah, just three more FDA applications and then I'm going to have to sew your eyelids shut again."

"I agree that you should write about what you know, but people can only read so many stories about monkeys."

"'Here we come,
Walkin' down the street.
Get the funniest looks from,
Everyone we meet..'
I like where this is going, Davey."

"I'll tell you why they throw excrement at you Jeffrey: you are right, part of it is jealousy. But for the most part, it's because they are monkeys."

"Well, Bonzo, you make a very convincing argument that animal experimentation is cruel, morally objectionable and, for the most part, useless. Unfortunately, I'll have to kill you now."

"In my day, it only took three monkeys to write a sitcom."

"Ok...finally finished..wait...who the hell is Buddy Sorrell?"

"'Headless Body in Topless Bar?' I like it. Now back to your cage."

"You call it 'Gigli?' Nice work. Now back to your cage."

"Nice work, K1613. Now back to your cage."

"Well, it seemed like everything had been working fine until you decided to upgrade to Windows Vista."

"Next year's baseball schedule looks fine!"

Dear Professor,

Since we can't speak to each other and I can't hold a pen, I have built this typewriter to convey my feelings towards you.

You are far too skinny, your dome immense, and your suit too loose.


"Yes..., Mr. Moore's facts all seem to check out."

Dear Mrs. Miller,

The U.S. Military regrets to inform you that your son, Sergeant Bradley Miller, was killed in the act of duty...

"'im n ur litterachur empathizin with ur metafors?' Sorry, the cats already took that joke format. FAIL."

"OK I admit you're curious. In fact you're all terribly curious, George. But the idea that this curiosity is somehow worthy of a series of children's books is ludicrous."

Just keep in mind I'm only one monkey with one typewriter. So if you want any Shakespeare I'm going to need an infinite amount of caffeine.

"I think this brilliant manuscript will show all the world how gifted an author you are and get you released in spite of the fact that you and your friends ripped that guy's nose and genitals off."

"Don't overthink it. Just hit the period key
so we can all get the hell out of this miserable stench."

kejo: Thanks. Edited and entered.

This is shit. Real shit. Maybe you could type something instead.

"It's exquisitely written and superbly crafted. I particularly love how you handled Beth's shoe crisis before her date with Matt. I think a lot of readers will relate to that. The thing is, I'm seeing a lot of work like this from the university writing programs right now. Do you think you could try something a little more 'high concept'?"

"'Top 10 Reasons Why Having Your Brain Cut Open Sucks.' That's cute. But I think the whole 'top 10' thing is a bit overdone at this point, Eddie."

South Korean Tourist Files Complaint With Indian Police After Eyeglasses Stolen by Monkey
07-17-2007 6:29 AM

LUCKNOW, India (Associated Press) -- A South Korean tourist has filed a formal complaint against a monkey he says stole his reading glasses during his visit to the Hindu holy city of Varanasi in northern India.

Kim Dang Hoon says he opened his hotel room window for fresh air when the monkey made his move.

"He headed straight to the table where my glasses were kept and took it away," Kim said in the statement.

Problems with monkeys harassing tourists in the city are common, Singh said.

"But we can't do anything. We cannot shoot them or beat them as Hindus worship monkeys," he said.

"'The Howlers here are obscene'. That would be funny if you weren't an ape."

or "...That would be funny if you were monkeys instead of Apes."

"I-just-swung-in-from-Boston-and-boy-are-my-arms-tired! Where do you get this stuff?"

"Hey, Doc, I have a question. I write these scientific papers for you, you get millions in grant money...Why, then, do we have to work with outdated equipment and rusty cages and you get that sweet home in the Hamptons?"

"I'd ask you to get me a cup of coffee, doc, but where the fuck would I set it on this small-ass desk??!!... you fucking tight-wad? Sorry, I was up all night because Jojo in cage 7B not only snores but had terrible banana breath."

"I know it isn't funny... it's an 'ANTI-Caption'. Submit it anyway. Bobo's wasn't funny but he got the honorable mention in the Tarzan Cartoon 3 months ago."

"Hey, doc, I have to tell you this. I have problems looking at you straight on. It's your nose. It looks like a 12 year old's circumsized penis. There I said it."

"We really appreciate the confession, but I'm afraid you're still going to be here at Abu Ghraib for the rest of your life."

This is an excellent novel! I was on the edge of my seat from page one! The character development was beyond compare and the beauty of your prose brought me repeatedly to tears. This novel is going to change the world and quite possibly alter the course of human social and political history. But yes, you are still getting dissected in the morning.

"Well, Koko hardly ever blurbs so just be thankful for 'Sleep nose nipple stupid!' and get over it."

"Amazing, it only took you seventeen minutes to type 'Gahan Wilson cannot draw chimpanzees.'"

"Amazing. You were able to type a handful of nonsense lines before succumbing to radiation poisoning. If this were 1987, and Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt were still movie stars, we'd have to keep this a secret."

According to my research, all the monkeys in the cage are extremely jealous of the monkey allowed the freedom of a larger living space.

Who put this typewriter here in my monkey room!

"It says here they've taught a chimp in 253 to operate that tricky iPhone keypad. You told me this experiment was a bad idea and you were completely right. Oh well, you'll all be gassed in an hour."

"Leeza Gibbon," no one cares about anymore, "Barbara Mandrill," ditto times a million, "Harris Piltdown" . . . that's a little tricky, but Stiller might go for it. Keep grinding, Bobo.

"You've bought one more day of life."

You still only have three choices: keep tying, go back in your cage, or go back to working for Tina Brown.

"Biodome 2?"

"....And if my great-great-great-great grandmother had married that pinkish looking chimp I, too, might have turned out as a human..."

"You want to call this drivvel AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH? Hmmmmm how convenient!"

"I liked this better the first time I read it, when it was by a guy named Shakespeare, you plagiarist bastard!"

"If I wanted Shakespeare I would have asked for Shakespeare! Now get back to that random crap."

"You know what really chaps my ass? -- oh sorry, nothing personal."

Great. But let's call you guys "Monkey Helpers" as opposed to "Monkey Aids."

All-righty-then...you have just earned yourself a banana phone.

See what you can accomplish when you stop playing with yourself?

Hmmm...."Apes of Wrath." I like it.

A monkey business proposal

"Thanks for getting these intra-office memos done for me. It was a nice change of pace to spend all day eating bananas and throwing my own feces."

"Amazing -- a complete and grammatically correct sentence. This is a major breakthrough; I can't wait to tell my colleagues about it."

"Hmm, according to this data, you're extremely ugly."

"Perhaps a little Vick's vapor rub will make those typos go away."

"Start typing!"

"Our Gibbon is funnier."

"OK, that's the last deposition, gentlemen. I share your pain over all the uncompensated film work you did in that 1968 space movie. But rest assured, after we're through with MGM and the Kubrick estate for nearly 40 years of back salaries, royalties and interest (minus my fee), you'll enjoy lifetime bananas and the best cages ever in the Old Actors' Home."

"We've got to tweak this line: 'He played around'..no, 'screwed around', 'fooled around'...no, not quite....Damn! Who's got my thesaurus?"

"Good script, but we'll have to dumb it down for the male silverback demographic."

Having never seen one himself, David Remnick relied solely on racist stereotypes to select his staff of black writers.

You really need to get a computer. On the internet, no one knows you're a monkey.

"Uh-oh: looks like one more split infinitive andu you're back in the cage."

"Where do you buy ribbons for that thing?"

"Ok, Radosh is back. You guys can best it."

"I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to put you down."

"'The hours here are obscene.' Hmm, very nice."

"Got your keys?" What does that m...

Your finest work yet, Mr. Vidal.

"Arrogant, lifeless prose, Mr. Pickles. Have you considered submitting to the New Yorker?"

" 'One Day in the Life of Bobo Denisovich.' Hmmm. Remarkable! I had no idea you were Russian."

"'Who Moved My Cheese?' Good Christ, they were right--you COULD have written it."

"Better step it up a notch. Ms. Collins is most displeased."

"Origin of the Feces", well, they'll like it Kansas.

"Origin of the Feces", well, they'll like it IN Kansas. (stupid monkey)

"'I'd Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me Than a Frontal Lobotomy.' Sorry, not an option."

I found the answer, boss.

"Which one of you guys trips over the ottoman when you get home?"

"I really don't give a damn about your work - but I can't help admiring your freakishly long fingers. Do you admire my freakishly long fingers?"

The Origin of The Spam Species.

No, no, I meant

'The Origin of Spam'

Yeah! That's better.

Wait, no. Should have been

'The Origin of the Spam'

(I forgot the second 'the')

OK, that's what I really meant. Thanks.

Using up my chances quickly here. I submit as my final proposal:

'The Origin of Spam'

(apparently, there is no second 'the')

I hope this still reads.

OK, you word monkeys, I guess that's five drafts I can submit for this anti-caption contest. I'll just plug these in and see if we have a winner.

"By the time you read this, the photos of you butt-pumping Bobo will have reached the NIH."

"Pix the pucking typewriter, puckwad."

Iambic pentameter. Now we're getting somewhere.

"This is gibberish, of course, but for fifty bucks I can get you a print of the cartoon with this caption. And I'll do it for your hot monkey love."

"Movie Idea #2305: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut."

"'Please send me back to the jungle I miss my children'? Oh, Bobo — silly Bobo — your children were poached for their delicious brains."

"Interesting. Without thumbs, your manuscript is completely lacking in spacing."

"Advanced, are you? Hah! You banana-scarfing bafoons are still using typewriters!!"

"Look, dammit! You can write your requests until the cows come home, but I'm telling you, we have no bananas today!!"

"'oo oo ah ah'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Bonzo...this barrage of love notes is beginning to crumble my resolve. I feel my scientific detachment melting away....Okay, yes, touch me, do with me as you will, make love to me, you hairy fool!!"

Caged Wisdom Volume 1

You got a good story going here, but your writing style is a little haughty. Try using more vowels.

And then they killed the scientist? What does that mean?

"You know, these are the thinnest slices of cheese I've ever seen. You and your 'cheese tube' are moving on to the next round of American Inventor!"

While your efforts in producing ASCII monkey porn art for the other inmates is commendable, you'll have absolutely no use for it after we convert you to Unix eunuchs.

"You realize you're going to have to dumb this down after Mr. Murdoch takes over."

" 'Mr. Radosh wishes to confirm that his guest blogers are always treated humanely. What some uninformed people describe as "cages" are actually comfortable living quarters.'...Okay, That's much better."

"Not bad. But think less Planet of the Apes, and more flying monkeys."

"And how much are we paying you for this?"

"Would it have killed you to throw in a spoiler warning, asshole?"

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