The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #104
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"It's a shame that the horrific warehouse fire had to ruin our annual municipal employees costume party." —rjwhite
Finalists
"Relax, Estragon. We don't have body cavities anymore, remember?" —kejo
"Getting kicked out of the nativity pageant isn't so bad, really, relative to the other ways my life's been ravaged by alcoholism." —dean @ t.a.m.s.y.
Honorable mention
"My son was a cop, and I never got to tell him I was proud of him before I died." —Ed C
Comments
I shouldn't have told Noah about my vasectomy.
Posted by: Dentured Servant | June 25, 2007 9:37 AM
Be careful. The prison facilities are divine, but an ass rape's an ass rape.
Posted by: Lard Biscuit | June 25, 2007 9:38 AM
"A Dodge Charger in heaven? Yeah, right, as if. Jesus, how fucking wasted are we?"
"Whattayamean we can't drink it in public? It's called Heaven Hill, ain't it?"
Posted by: Tom | June 25, 2007 9:38 AM
I thought there'd be bitches.
Posted by: Petite Fromage | June 25, 2007 9:39 AM
No, I do NOT want to be Touched by an Angel.
Posted by: Liquidated Ass | June 25, 2007 9:41 AM
Sadly the crack here is just heavenly.
Posted by: Helmet Hid | June 25, 2007 9:42 AM
For this I built a fucking ark?
Posted by: Mansquito | June 25, 2007 9:43 AM
Even farts, B.O. and vomit smell awesome up here.
Posted by: Bar over Thar | June 25, 2007 9:45 AM
Do I smell bacon? No, seriously. Got any bacon?
Posted by: Maird a la Mode | June 25, 2007 9:49 AM
"It's a shame that the horrific warehouse fire had to ruin our annual municipal employees costume party."
Posted by: rjwhite | June 25, 2007 10:01 AM
Getting kicked out of the nativity pageant isn't so bad, really, relative to the other ways my life's been ravaged by alcoholism.
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | June 25, 2007 10:11 AM
Dude, heaven blows.
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | June 25, 2007 10:14 AM
"Well that's a coincidence -- I'm drinking a '59 Margaux too."
Posted by: jmt | June 25, 2007 10:18 AM
Arrest us? No way! We can burp, vomit and pass out all we want - it's fucking heaven...erp.
Posted by: simsburybear | June 25, 2007 10:28 AM
"And when I came to, there was blood all over the back of my head, and someone had stolen my golf clubs and my grill."
Posted by: Richard | June 25, 2007 10:33 AM
"The Yahweh here is obscene."
Posted by: Richard | June 25, 2007 10:35 AM
This fog is crazy.
Posted by: FD | June 25, 2007 10:38 AM
"You're right, I'm the one who wanted to be guardian angels; how was I to know we would get Paris Hilton?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 25, 2007 10:48 AM
Maybe we should kill ourselves so we can get cast out. Got a blade?
Posted by: Haenus Paenus | June 25, 2007 11:03 AM
"No, I swear he said, 'Blessed are those who are poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.' Fuck this actual poverty shit."
"So I screwed the 70 virgins, now what."
"Heaven must be missing an angel."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 25, 2007 11:09 AM
"I told you we should have asked for the non-smoking section."
"It's that asshole who brought up the Webber Kettle grill. I have to wash my gown every day to get the smoke odor out."
Posted by: Anonymous | June 25, 2007 11:23 AM
"The great thing about heaven is that each of us gets exactly the one we ask for. Except you, of course, Fred - I insisted that you had to be in mine."
Posted by: Vance | June 25, 2007 11:32 AM
"I really miss having a penis."
Posted by: J | June 25, 2007 11:46 AM
"Who, Satan? He went that way."
"GLO-O-O-O-O-OOO-O-O-O-O-OOO-O-O-O-O-OOOO-RIA! IN EX-CEL-SIS DE-O . . . . . "
Posted by: Deborah | June 25, 2007 11:52 AM
"I guess it's a worthwhile tradeoff, giving up every vestige of privacy in return for living in paradise."
"Hey, officer Krupke! Get a hybrid, fer chrissake!"
Posted by: Vance | June 25, 2007 11:56 AM
"Man, this place sucks. I still can't believe they don't have a single fucking billiards table."
Posted by: Vance | June 25, 2007 11:58 AM
It says in Genesis somewhere that when you get toasted in heaven, God will send a cruiser over so its exhaust fumes will camouflage your breath.
Posted by: SK | June 25, 2007 12:01 PM
Cops, schmops. I'll get dead-drunk whenever I feel like it.
Posted by: SK | June 25, 2007 12:07 PM
"Check it out -- those angels have dirty faces. You know, like Angels with Dirty Faces (1938), starring James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart, directed by Michael Curtiz? Never mind."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 25, 2007 12:18 PM
"So You _can_ take it with you!"
Posted by: Richard | June 25, 2007 12:18 PM
Yo! Ocifer! Wouldn't you guys be more useful over on Dante's Seventh Level instead of sitting here trying to sneak a peek up our gowns?
Posted by: SK | June 25, 2007 12:19 PM
"All this fog reminds me; I left my harp in San Francisco."
"God's always boasting he can hire half of heaven to kill the other half. You, Martin, and your cossack buddies are pretty much exactly what he's talking about."
"I'd rather abstain in Hell than be underserved in Heaven."
"Naw, this is my Blues Heaven. What you want is the Disco Inferno. Just go into the nearest pothole and keep going."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 25, 2007 12:26 PM
"Don't worry about the bums. We've got to go rescue people from the other tower before it collapses."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 25, 2007 12:33 PM
Apparently Al Pacino was right. Y'know in that movie. Not the "they pulled me back in" movie or the "hoo ha" movie, but the "God is an absentee landlord" movie. That one. Still, he was good in "Dog Day Afternoon". I didn't much care for "Scarface". Hey, you notice there's no Cubans up here?
Posted by: therblig | June 25, 2007 3:07 PM
"Hey, remember 'The God Squad' on TV?"
Posted by: Tim H | June 25, 2007 3:08 PM
Wino... More like Divine-O.
Posted by: FD | June 25, 2007 3:21 PM
Police... More like Holy's
Posted by: FD | June 25, 2007 3:21 PM
"Oh, Jeez, it's those 'Car Talk' guys. And I NEVER pledged any money to NPR."
Posted by: Tim H | June 25, 2007 4:24 PM
"Color me crazy, but don't that car look like those lions or whatever from Anti-Caption Contest #89?"
Posted by: Tim H | June 25, 2007 4:28 PM
Thank God we're not black.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | June 25, 2007 4:41 PM
Apparently, the Fire Fighter, the Priest, and that other guy pushed another Cop off the ledge.
Posted by: therblig | June 25, 2007 4:43 PM
Jones had just started down the catwalk when Heidi Klum made us. Six months of deep cover down the toilet.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 25, 2007 5:37 PM
"You would think in Heaven they would have emission controls."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 25, 2007 5:56 PM
"Nobody's happy in heaven. We're still poor. The cops still have to work long shifts. Heck, the only smiles you see here are on the garbage cans."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 25, 2007 6:47 PM
Hey copper, theory aside, how many angels would you say can dance on the head of my dick? Got a number? Okay, now divide that number by the number of times you've driven by here wishing you could arrest us. If the answer is greater than 1, go fuck yourself. If it's less than 1, put on your lipstick and dancing shoes.
Posted by: Anonymous | June 25, 2007 8:30 PM
"Man, I got so wasted at that costume party, the cops in the squad-car that's spewing exhaust over there look like they're in angel costumes, too."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 25, 2007 8:37 PM
"It's always puzzled me - why do so many people think God will treat them better after they die than he treated them before they died? If God gives them all kinds of unfair shit while they're alive, why should anyone expect God will suddenly become the soul of kindness after they're dead? It's like expecting your abusive spouse is going to start being sweet all of a sudden."
Posted by: Richard | June 25, 2007 9:07 PM
"Man those fucking queers piss me off. We should go give 'em a scare. Gimme your night club."
Posted by: Sam L. | June 25, 2007 10:01 PM
"They're not gonna take us in for Public Intoxication again, are they?"
Posted by: Sam L. | June 25, 2007 10:03 PM
"Ever since Jerry Falwell got up here and started cutting spending on social services, things have just gone to shit."
Posted by: Sam L. | June 25, 2007 10:05 PM
"When I used to pray, 'Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven,' - this is NOT what I had in mind."
Posted by: Richard | June 25, 2007 11:51 PM
"I told you not to smoke so much fucking weed."
Posted by: Francis | June 26, 2007 12:01 AM
"I still say Bum Fights was the best thing that ever happened to me."
Posted by: Brian L | June 26, 2007 12:05 AM
Sometimes I think we were only allowed in to keep the cops happy.
Posted by: Brian L | June 26, 2007 12:20 AM
"You see Gabe, Capitalism is a socoioeconomic system build on the accumulation of wealth, and that invariably results in a permanent underclass. I mean for Christ sake how are you going to get people to scrub toilets unless they're scared shit they'll end up like us? The alternative is Godless-Communism. We're doing His work, Gabe. More muscatel?
Posted by: al in la | June 26, 2007 2:39 AM
"And here I thought this was the one place I wouldn't get busted for selling angel dust."
Posted by: Francis | June 26, 2007 4:20 AM
Never a taxi when you want one.
Hey Dude, I smell doughnuts.
Looks like a couple of Hell's Angles have ripped of our wheels.
Didn't I tell you not to fuck off God?
Must be time for harp practice.
Posted by: OldDee | June 26, 2007 4:56 AM
Friggin' fallen angels...arrest them for Christ's sake!
Posted by: David W. | June 26, 2007 5:21 AM
"Act normal."
Posted by: Andrew | June 26, 2007 9:21 AM
"This communion wine tastes like a grape peed into a cup."
Posted by: Francis | June 26, 2007 9:33 AM
Relax, Estragon. We don't have body cavities anymore, remember?
Posted by: kejo | June 26, 2007 9:42 AM
Oh shit. I think we're dead.
Posted by: Champs de Lezzey | June 26, 2007 10:00 AM
Heaven would be great if it wasn't for all of the fucking pigs.
Posted by: Don Aldo | June 26, 2007 10:16 AM
If this were really your heaven I guess I'd be a fucking donut, huh?
Posted by: Craptastiq | June 26, 2007 11:10 AM
"You steal one fucking barbecue grill and set of golf clubs on your way to heaven and you're blackballed from the celestial housing market for all eternity."
Posted by: Francis | June 26, 2007 12:51 PM
"Since when is Nike making garbage cans?"
"The car's here above steam."
Posted by: LR | June 26, 2007 1:05 PM
"There but for the grace of God go I, you know what I'm sayin'?"
"On Earth, I was a middle manager, and I used to look at guys like us and say, 'No debt, no family responsibilities, sit around drinkin' all day...doesn't look too bad to me!' Man, what an ignorant douchebag I was."
"Car 14 investigating a possible case of vagrancy, please immediately alert any teens in the area whose idea of Heaven is setting bums on fire."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | June 26, 2007 1:33 PM
"I'm pourin' a 40 for my living homies."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 26, 2007 4:15 PM
"It was one of the original year-end caption-contests. They had an Angel in a jail talking to his cellmate. I submitted "Of course I assumed the Series was fixed. I just didn't realize it went all the way to the top.' You see, it was topical. The Angles had just won World Series in a big upset. What won? 'I'd lose the wings.' How obvious is that? Anyway, that's how I ended up in anti-caption hell. By the way, have you noticed the hours here are serine?"
Posted by: al in la | June 26, 2007 6:14 PM
"Fuck, I meant serene."
Posted by: al in la | June 26, 2007 6:21 PM
"Evey time a cop gets his wings this angel gets his bell rung."
Posted by: LV | June 26, 2007 6:56 PM
"The Clerics lied?
The Clerics were wrong?
The Bible was manipulated?
The Government lied?
President Halliburton lied?
The People began to question?
There was a second Civil War?
There was a second Revolution?
And there were Aliens?
THE LIES ARE EXPOSED!!!"
Posted by: JDT | June 26, 2007 7:51 PM
"Who'd a thunk it? Richard Dawkins was wrong, but so were the fucking Jesus freaks!"
Posted by: Michael in LA | June 27, 2007 11:18 AM
"Say, don't those guys look like Mankoff and Shanahan? Whaddya think brings them around these parts?"
Posted by: Tim H | June 27, 2007 1:11 PM
Welcome to Heaven's Kitchen, rookie.
Posted by: Ben | June 27, 2007 2:16 PM
Of course parking in the bushes is lucrative. Everyone who goes by this spot is flying.
Posted by: 99 | June 27, 2007 4:22 PM
It really upsets me to see so many homeless angels in heaven, but what can we do? We're only two people.
Posted by: emilymil | June 27, 2007 6:34 PM
"Well, yeah, the guy driving DOES look like Sting, but the other guy ain't no Andy Summers or Stewart Copeland. What gives?"
Posted by: Tim H | June 27, 2007 11:33 PM
"So, this is what happens to right-wing religious fanatics."
Posted by: al in la | June 28, 2007 3:09 AM
"So I close the garage door, turn on the car, say "Goodbye, cruel world," and poof! Here I am, a gay bum with a bad bottle of muscatel and the cops on my ass."
"Hey, those cops aren't wearing seatbelts - oh, right, they're already dead."
"It could be worse - we could be playing Nag and Nell from 'Endgame' in the garbage cans around the corner."
"I agree, a good cop, good cop combination is unusual."
"What do you think the steer horns on the front of the cop car signify?"
Posted by: Jim M | June 28, 2007 9:59 AM
"I must be really fucking drunk because that police car appears to be floating on a cloud."
Posted by: Kurt | June 28, 2007 10:16 AM
“Of course I love you—I’m programmed to love you. I’m a goddam lovebird. Sorry, I meant to say "goddam angel" and that I love all mankind, but this J.B. Handelsman thing really knocked me for a loop. they sent him to Hell, you know.
Posted by: therblig | June 28, 2007 11:53 AM
Yeah, St. Peter's really let the place go to pot.
Posted by: Kurt | June 28, 2007 4:35 PM
Sure, Canada is a little slice o' heaven. But we're not allowed to enter the New Yorker caption contest - they even have cops here to stop us. That's why I drink.
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 28, 2007 5:03 PM
"Well? Shall we go?"
"Yes, let's go."
Posted by: Owen | June 28, 2007 5:09 PM
Yeah, I also think it's fucked up that some people's idea of heaven is driving around in a patrol car. But what do I know, I'm just an alcoholic.
Posted by: Kurt | June 28, 2007 7:08 PM
Slight improvement (I think):
Yeah, I also think it's fucked up that some people's idea of heaven is driving around in a patrol car. But what do I know, I'm just a dead alcoholic.
Posted by: Kurt | June 28, 2007 7:10 PM
The auras here are mundane.
Posted by: mypalmike | June 28, 2007 8:05 PM
Except for the fog, this is exactly like when we were alive. What's the fucking point?
Posted by: Ed C | June 28, 2007 8:35 PM
My son was a cop, and I never got to tell him I was proud of him before I died.
Posted by: Ed C | June 28, 2007 8:56 PM
"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
Posted by: Kurt | June 29, 2007 8:31 AM
"On Earth I was a female 'protagonist' in a boardroom scene drawn by Victoria Roberts. And now...this? I just don't get it!"
Posted by: David F | June 29, 2007 9:33 AM
"Oh crap."
"They're here in case all hell breaks loose."
"Take us in? Only when heaven freezes over!"
"Oh, right--the Republican convention meets here this week."
Posted by: David F | June 29, 2007 9:48 AM
"Bro, we ARE in Philadelphia."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 29, 2007 10:26 AM
"No, man, we told you, we haven't seen Jerry Falwell!"
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 29, 2007 10:29 AM
"You see the side of the car: 'POLICE'. I told you the offcial language in heaven was English."
Posted by: Kathy H | June 29, 2007 12:01 PM
"Some of your Philly cop friends took away our harps, so what are we supposed to do?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 29, 2007 12:13 PM
"HEY, YOU'RE BURNING OIL! I think that guys burning oil."
Posted by: Ed C | June 29, 2007 7:07 PM
"Oh, great. It's those two cops whose idea of heaven is to kick me in the nuts until I cough up blood."
Posted by: Ed C | June 29, 2007 7:20 PM
"Hey cops! Fancy a shag? I can put you on cloud nine."
Posted by: Brian L | June 29, 2007 8:55 PM
Their tear gas would be a lot more effective if we had the capacity to feel something other than bliss.
Posted by: Ben | June 30, 2007 12:05 AM
"Hey, Polizia, you crazy bastards, how the heck are you?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 30, 2007 8:50 AM
"Hey, Polizia, you crazy bastards, how the heck are you?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 30, 2007 8:52 AM
"I'd suck dick for crack right about now. I can't pawn my halo, 'cause then I'd be just another asshole in a white robe."
"I guess they enforce this 'city of angles' stuff here pretty strictly."
"FUCK YOU PIG!"
Posted by: jimbowiener | June 30, 2007 7:48 PM
So I says to Saint Pete, "Why does Princess Dianne have a bigger halo than me?!!" He says, "Halo? That ain't a halo... it's a steering wheel!"
Posted by: Johnny V | June 30, 2007 8:31 PM
"Well, you knew bum-heaven would have cops."
Posted by: al in la | July 1, 2007 2:59 AM
"Don't worry: if they haven't been freed of their material attachments, it's just a hallucination."
Posted by: Michael in LA | July 1, 2007 1:02 PM
"Luke 9:11 is a joke."
Posted by: dean @ t.a.m.s.y. | July 1, 2007 8:49 PM
"Remember when I said I'd quit drinking when pigs fly?"
Posted by: Roggen | July 1, 2007 10:27 PM
Now that the contest for this cartoon is over and Radosh has announced the winner, I hope he won't mind if I break the rules and add a sixth, non-competitive enty. This caption was written after seeing another cartoon in the same issue of the New Yorker that had this conetst:
"I wouldn't have told you I was late for my own execution if I had known you'd drive like crazy and kill us both!"
Posted by: Richard | July 2, 2007 12:29 PM