June 25, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #104

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"It's a shame that the horrific warehouse fire had to ruin our annual municipal employees costume party." —rjwhite

"Relax, Estragon. We don't have body cavities anymore, remember?" —kejo

"Getting kicked out of the nativity pageant isn't so bad, really, relative to the other ways my life's been ravaged by alcoholism." —dean @ t.a.m.s.y.

Honorable mention
"My son was a cop, and I never got to tell him I was proud of him before I died." —Ed C

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I shouldn't have told Noah about my vasectomy.

Be careful. The prison facilities are divine, but an ass rape's an ass rape.

"A Dodge Charger in heaven? Yeah, right, as if. Jesus, how fucking wasted are we?"

"Whattayamean we can't drink it in public? It's called Heaven Hill, ain't it?"

I thought there'd be bitches.

No, I do NOT want to be Touched by an Angel.

Sadly the crack here is just heavenly.

For this I built a fucking ark?

Even farts, B.O. and vomit smell awesome up here.

Do I smell bacon? No, seriously. Got any bacon?

"It's a shame that the horrific warehouse fire had to ruin our annual municipal employees costume party."

Getting kicked out of the nativity pageant isn't so bad, really, relative to the other ways my life's been ravaged by alcoholism.

Dude, heaven blows.

"Well that's a coincidence -- I'm drinking a '59 Margaux too."

Arrest us? No way! We can burp, vomit and pass out all we want - it's fucking heaven...erp.

"And when I came to, there was blood all over the back of my head, and someone had stolen my golf clubs and my grill."

"The Yahweh here is obscene."

This fog is crazy.

"You're right, I'm the one who wanted to be guardian angels; how was I to know we would get Paris Hilton?"

Maybe we should kill ourselves so we can get cast out. Got a blade?

"No, I swear he said, 'Blessed are those who are poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.' Fuck this actual poverty shit."

"So I screwed the 70 virgins, now what."

"Heaven must be missing an angel."

"I told you we should have asked for the non-smoking section."

"It's that asshole who brought up the Webber Kettle grill. I have to wash my gown every day to get the smoke odor out."

"The great thing about heaven is that each of us gets exactly the one we ask for. Except you, of course, Fred - I insisted that you had to be in mine."

"I really miss having a penis."

"Who, Satan? He went that way."


"I guess it's a worthwhile tradeoff, giving up every vestige of privacy in return for living in paradise."

"Hey, officer Krupke! Get a hybrid, fer chrissake!"

"Man, this place sucks. I still can't believe they don't have a single fucking billiards table."

It says in Genesis somewhere that when you get toasted in heaven, God will send a cruiser over so its exhaust fumes will camouflage your breath.

Cops, schmops. I'll get dead-drunk whenever I feel like it.

"Check it out -- those angels have dirty faces. You know, like Angels with Dirty Faces (1938), starring James Cagney and Humphrey Bogart, directed by Michael Curtiz? Never mind."

"So You _can_ take it with you!"

Yo! Ocifer! Wouldn't you guys be more useful over on Dante's Seventh Level instead of sitting here trying to sneak a peek up our gowns?

"All this fog reminds me; I left my harp in San Francisco."

"God's always boasting he can hire half of heaven to kill the other half. You, Martin, and your cossack buddies are pretty much exactly what he's talking about."

"I'd rather abstain in Hell than be underserved in Heaven."

"Naw, this is my Blues Heaven. What you want is the Disco Inferno. Just go into the nearest pothole and keep going."

"Don't worry about the bums. We've got to go rescue people from the other tower before it collapses."

Apparently Al Pacino was right. Y'know in that movie. Not the "they pulled me back in" movie or the "hoo ha" movie, but the "God is an absentee landlord" movie. That one. Still, he was good in "Dog Day Afternoon". I didn't much care for "Scarface". Hey, you notice there's no Cubans up here?

"Hey, remember 'The God Squad' on TV?"

Wino... More like Divine-O.

Police... More like Holy's

"Oh, Jeez, it's those 'Car Talk' guys. And I NEVER pledged any money to NPR."

"Color me crazy, but don't that car look like those lions or whatever from Anti-Caption Contest #89?"

Thank God we're not black.

Apparently, the Fire Fighter, the Priest, and that other guy pushed another Cop off the ledge.

Jones had just started down the catwalk when Heidi Klum made us. Six months of deep cover down the toilet.

"You would think in Heaven they would have emission controls."

"Nobody's happy in heaven. We're still poor. The cops still have to work long shifts. Heck, the only smiles you see here are on the garbage cans."

Hey copper, theory aside, how many angels would you say can dance on the head of my dick? Got a number? Okay, now divide that number by the number of times you've driven by here wishing you could arrest us. If the answer is greater than 1, go fuck yourself. If it's less than 1, put on your lipstick and dancing shoes.

"Man, I got so wasted at that costume party, the cops in the squad-car that's spewing exhaust over there look like they're in angel costumes, too."

"It's always puzzled me - why do so many people think God will treat them better after they die than he treated them before they died? If God gives them all kinds of unfair shit while they're alive, why should anyone expect God will suddenly become the soul of kindness after they're dead? It's like expecting your abusive spouse is going to start being sweet all of a sudden."

"Man those fucking queers piss me off. We should go give 'em a scare. Gimme your night club."

"They're not gonna take us in for Public Intoxication again, are they?"

"Ever since Jerry Falwell got up here and started cutting spending on social services, things have just gone to shit."

"When I used to pray, 'Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in heaven,' - this is NOT what I had in mind."

"I told you not to smoke so much fucking weed."

"I still say Bum Fights was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Sometimes I think we were only allowed in to keep the cops happy.

"You see Gabe, Capitalism is a socoioeconomic system build on the accumulation of wealth, and that invariably results in a permanent underclass. I mean for Christ sake how are you going to get people to scrub toilets unless they're scared shit they'll end up like us? The alternative is Godless-Communism. We're doing His work, Gabe. More muscatel?

"And here I thought this was the one place I wouldn't get busted for selling angel dust."

Never a taxi when you want one.

Hey Dude, I smell doughnuts.

Looks like a couple of Hell's Angles have ripped of our wheels.

Didn't I tell you not to fuck off God?

Must be time for harp practice.

Friggin' fallen angels...arrest them for Christ's sake!

"Act normal."

"This communion wine tastes like a grape peed into a cup."

Relax, Estragon. We don't have body cavities anymore, remember?

Oh shit. I think we're dead.

Heaven would be great if it wasn't for all of the fucking pigs.

If this were really your heaven I guess I'd be a fucking donut, huh?

"You steal one fucking barbecue grill and set of golf clubs on your way to heaven and you're blackballed from the celestial housing market for all eternity."

"Since when is Nike making garbage cans?"

"The car's here above steam."

"There but for the grace of God go I, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"On Earth, I was a middle manager, and I used to look at guys like us and say, 'No debt, no family responsibilities, sit around drinkin' all day...doesn't look too bad to me!' Man, what an ignorant douchebag I was."

"Car 14 investigating a possible case of vagrancy, please immediately alert any teens in the area whose idea of Heaven is setting bums on fire."

"I'm pourin' a 40 for my living homies."

"It was one of the original year-end caption-contests. They had an Angel in a jail talking to his cellmate. I submitted "Of course I assumed the Series was fixed. I just didn't realize it went all the way to the top.' You see, it was topical. The Angles had just won World Series in a big upset. What won? 'I'd lose the wings.' How obvious is that? Anyway, that's how I ended up in anti-caption hell. By the way, have you noticed the hours here are serine?"

"Fuck, I meant serene."

"Evey time a cop gets his wings this angel gets his bell rung."

"The Clerics lied?
The Clerics were wrong?
The Bible was manipulated?
The Government lied?
President Halliburton lied?
The People began to question?
There was a second Civil War?
There was a second Revolution?
And there were Aliens?

"Who'd a thunk it? Richard Dawkins was wrong, but so were the fucking Jesus freaks!"

"Say, don't those guys look like Mankoff and Shanahan? Whaddya think brings them around these parts?"

Welcome to Heaven's Kitchen, rookie.

Of course parking in the bushes is lucrative. Everyone who goes by this spot is flying.

It really upsets me to see so many homeless angels in heaven, but what can we do? We're only two people.

"Well, yeah, the guy driving DOES look like Sting, but the other guy ain't no Andy Summers or Stewart Copeland. What gives?"

"So, this is what happens to right-wing religious fanatics."

"So I close the garage door, turn on the car, say "Goodbye, cruel world," and poof! Here I am, a gay bum with a bad bottle of muscatel and the cops on my ass."

"Hey, those cops aren't wearing seatbelts - oh, right, they're already dead."

"It could be worse - we could be playing Nag and Nell from 'Endgame' in the garbage cans around the corner."

"I agree, a good cop, good cop combination is unusual."

"What do you think the steer horns on the front of the cop car signify?"

"I must be really fucking drunk because that police car appears to be floating on a cloud."

Of course I love you—Im programmed to love you. Im a goddam lovebird. Sorry, I meant to say "goddam angel" and that I love all mankind, but this J.B. Handelsman thing really knocked me for a loop. they sent him to Hell, you know.

Yeah, St. Peter's really let the place go to pot.

Sure, Canada is a little slice o' heaven. But we're not allowed to enter the New Yorker caption contest - they even have cops here to stop us. That's why I drink.

"Well? Shall we go?"
"Yes, let's go."

Yeah, I also think it's fucked up that some people's idea of heaven is driving around in a patrol car. But what do I know, I'm just an alcoholic.

Slight improvement (I think):
Yeah, I also think it's fucked up that some people's idea of heaven is driving around in a patrol car. But what do I know, I'm just a dead alcoholic.

The auras here are mundane.

Except for the fog, this is exactly like when we were alive. What's the fucking point?

My son was a cop, and I never got to tell him I was proud of him before I died.

"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

"On Earth I was a female 'protagonist' in a boardroom scene drawn by Victoria Roberts. And now...this? I just don't get it!"

"Oh crap."

"They're here in case all hell breaks loose."

"Take us in? Only when heaven freezes over!"

"Oh, right--the Republican convention meets here this week."

"Bro, we ARE in Philadelphia."

"No, man, we told you, we haven't seen Jerry Falwell!"

"You see the side of the car: 'POLICE'. I told you the offcial language in heaven was English."

"Some of your Philly cop friends took away our harps, so what are we supposed to do?"

"HEY, YOU'RE BURNING OIL! I think that guys burning oil."

"Oh, great. It's those two cops whose idea of heaven is to kick me in the nuts until I cough up blood."

"Hey cops! Fancy a shag? I can put you on cloud nine."

Their tear gas would be a lot more effective if we had the capacity to feel something other than bliss.

"Hey, Polizia, you crazy bastards, how the heck are you?"

"Hey, Polizia, you crazy bastards, how the heck are you?"

"I'd suck dick for crack right about now. I can't pawn my halo, 'cause then I'd be just another asshole in a white robe."

"I guess they enforce this 'city of angles' stuff here pretty strictly."


So I says to Saint Pete, "Why does Princess Dianne have a bigger halo than me?!!" He says, "Halo? That ain't a halo... it's a steering wheel!"

"Well, you knew bum-heaven would have cops."

"Don't worry: if they haven't been freed of their material attachments, it's just a hallucination."

"Luke 9:11 is a joke."

"Remember when I said I'd quit drinking when pigs fly?"

Now that the contest for this cartoon is over and Radosh has announced the winner, I hope he won't mind if I break the rules and add a sixth, non-competitive enty. This caption was written after seeing another cartoon in the same issue of the New Yorker that had this conetst:

"I wouldn't have told you I was late for my own execution if I had known you'd drive like crazy and kill us both!"

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