June 18, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #103

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"According to this guidebook that bird is so fucking gay." —TG Gibbon

"No, theriouthly, it'th a thongbird. With a T." —Trout Almondine

"That bird looks good for a shag! Hahahah! You know... Phalacrocorax aristotelis? Aww, never mind. But I tell ya, that joke killed at last year's Glasgow Ornithologists Society convention." —mypalmike

Honorable mention
"It says to pay attention. We might see a Nut Hatch." —Madame LeFarge

Posted by Daniel Radosh


“It thays here that people with even thlight thpeech impairmenth are uthually thelf-aware enough to avoid thupid, obviouth punth.”

The owls here are obscene.

"See? I told you - it's right here in The Guide to sexy Animals in New Yorker Caption Contests."

“Look! A bald eagle! Thank goodness these guides are available in Braille.”

“Boy, would I like to fingerfuck that bird.”

"Yeah, it's nice, but I still prefer Goldsworthy's earlier, more abstract assemblages."

"According to this book, it's some kind of... bird."

"After all we've been through to get here and track it down, I'm not sure I even want that eyepatch back now."

"Yep. It's a Ramrod Maple. You can tell by the way the branches stick straight out at a 90 degree angle."

I think it's repulsive that humans would hunt defenseless creatures to the point of extinction, but if Ted Nugent were here I'd tell him to plug this obnoxious motherfucker.

I know it's a sin, but I don't like the way he's mocking us.

"Dammit! The guide says he likes you to put dollars in the G string, but I only have twenties."

"Well, I'll be! It'a yellow-throated cocksucker."

" 'The mating dance of columba chippendalia is virtually unique in the animal kingdom.' "

So, it says, "Place the eyepieces (a) - that's the small end of the binocular - up against your eyes. Then adjust wheel (b) to ---" oh look, a bird.

It's a thong bird. There, I said it!

It says, "The third eye is often covered by a third eyepatch."

The ordinance says the bird may expose its breasts, but must dance only on the limb and remain at least 3 feet from the customers.

Okay, we can cross off dog living in a house, dog throwing stick and now bird wearing thong from our Field Guide to Anthropomorphic Cartoon Animals. The ones on the Ark don't count.

Geez, haven't you been listening? You can tell whether it's a male or female by the color of it's thong...not the by the shape! Oh, and they're all shades of black or gray - it's very subtle.

Stop complaining! Bird watching is a difficult and demanding hobby...oh go fuck yourself.

"It looks like a partridge. I don't know why it's wearing a thong."

No, look: Disney, Warner Brothers, Hanna Barbera - all other species of cartoon animals are either naked or wear shirts, no pants. We've discovered something new here. Now I'm going to kill you and take all the credit for myself.

"His distinctive mating call is reminiscent of Johann Sebastian Bach's Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D major."

[Translated from the Swedish] "This is the Liberty Tree where they hang the uninsured. That's a Freedom Bird. It was called the Wellhung Wangbird but it made Laura Bush uncomfortable. It is wearing Patriot Pants..."

"According to his guidebook that bird is so fucking gay."

"It's the German Crested Treefowl. It looks a lot like the Polish Crested Treefowl but it has a speedo and no rake."

"...this guidebook..."

"I bet it tastes like chicken."

Oh, ha--ha ha! I get it. "Thong" bird! Susan, you're such a cut up. Sometimes I almost regret marrying your sister instead of you.

"I can't believe we've been out here all day and haven't seen a single cock."

It sort of looks like a "Y", but let's wait and see how he does the "MCA" before rushing to judgement.

"According to this book that has nothing to do with birdwatching, the fact that you're wearing a sleeveless blouse while I feel the need for a fur-lined jacket probably means you're entering menopause."

"Apparently it's to protect his nuts from squirrels. Man, I don't even want to think about that."

"That looks like the Exective branch, so I'm guessing the bird is either Gonzales or Condy Rice."

"Of course it's not wearing underpants! It's a bird -- that's the pattern of it's feathers. What are you, retarded?"

"You know, it sort of ruins the illusion when that midget in a bird suit has to spread his arms to keep his balance."

It says here that every hour, on the hour, it puts on its thong for a quick strut through the trees. Sort of a "fuck you" to the bird watchers, because, what a stupid hobby.

(after the typo. . .)

"Well, I'll be! It's a yellow-throated cocksucker."

Wow. That bird's giving me a boner, honey.

I've lost my wife to a sexy bird before, and I'll be damned if I let that happen again.

Honey, I know you're kinky but enough is enough.

I agree that it's a very sexy bird, but I'm just saying- maybe we should look at all of the birds in the book before we decided which one to invite over for a threesome.

Pay close attention sweetheart. This only happens once a year. In about 30 seconds, there's going to be a solar eclipse and the bird is going to come down and he's going to give you a lap dance.

Thank god it got the full Brazillian.

It's a grey-throated smug fucking look-bill.

"No, theriouthly, it'th a thongbird. With a T."

"It says, 'The male of the species will puff out its chest for the purposes of display for the female...Even more shameless are the species' queers.'"

"What species is it? Depends."

"Wow, what a slut."

"It's definitely some sort of whorebird. I'm just not sure if it's spitz or swallows."
"Spitz is a type of dog."

"I just love these nature walks. Wow - is that a six-pack ring?"

"The boughs here are obscene."

According to this it's a native species known by the locals as a banana hammock peacock.

"Oh, look, it's another goddamn animal displaying human qualities."

"I think you should shoot it, because then you can honestly say, 'The other day I shot a bird in my underwear. How he got in my underwear I'll never know.'"

"Now he's challenging me to a sumo match. Oh, it's on, motherfucker!"

"That bird looks good for a shag! Hahahah! You know... Phalacrocorax aristotelis? Aww, never mind. But I tell ya, that joke killed at last year's Glasgow Ornithologists Society convention."

"Says here he's 'smug, self righteous and will do anything to cover his ass.'
Conservationists are pushing to include it on the Presidential seal."

"I was afraid this would happen at the radical right nature preserve"

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say that bird is going out on a limb. In its underwear."

"So this is what the dogs are throwing sticks at. And who can blame them?"

"It says that avian flu is now an STD."

I suspect a wood pecker, but I prefer Great Tits.

"Aviary seen a dream walking? Well, I did!"

It's a yellow-belly cocksucker, I believe."

"Here it is. 'The Western Balsam Popular is a willow common in much of North America. A healthy poplar typically grows to a height of 85 feet, though some balsam poplars have been known to grow to a height of more than a hundred feet. The poplar was introduced in England in the late 19th century, where it was to inspire Siegfried Sassoon's poem 'A Poplar and the Moon.' . . . And then it has the poem. Do you want me to read it? . . . Okay. . . . I hate reading poems aloud . . . No, no, I'll do it, I just . . . okay, hang on . . . okay . . . 'There stood a Poplar, tall and straight; / the fair, round Moon, uprisen late / made the long shadow on the grass / A ghostly bridge ’twixt heaven and me. / But May, with slumbrous nights, must pass; / And blustering winds will strip the tree. / And I’ve no magic to express / The moment of that loveliness; / So from these words you’ll never guess / The stars and lilies I could see.' And then there's a picture of Siegfried Sassoon."

(Christ, talk about a stupid typo. That first line should read "Western Balsam Poplar," not "Popular.")

"Wow, they can fly up to 30 miles per hour."

"It says here that chicks that dress like that are asking for it even if they say no. Fucking sluts."

"this bird isn't in my american book, but the speedo makes me think it's european.

"I think that bird we saw earlier was a sparrow. I guess nothing interesting is out today."

"Here, this book is a peace offering, oh great fat bird of tiny wingspan."

It's preparing for the double pike half twist into a swan dive.

Yes, a bird in a thong is amazing... But what is more amazing is THAT bird can walk with his eyes shut!

I prefer my poultry 'dressed'.

Unusual??! No, it says here, "Chicks in thongs often are seen on stiff wood". By the way, where did we get this perverted bird-guide?

According to the guidebook, that is the camel toe of a single-humped Arabian dromedary!

"Okay, I was all right with that dinosaurs-playing-with-kids-on-the-lawn part of the exhibit... but what the fuck is this?"

[Admittedly, a variation on Greg's]

According the guide, the branches of an Ames tree grow in a trapezoidal distortion making them appear shorter than they actually are. Which means that bird is actually larger than us.

"It says here that in next month's Maxim it will be featured in the pictorial 'Birds of the Israeli Defense Forces.' "

"It's a local branch of 'Victoria's Secret'."

It says to pay attention. We might see a Nut Hatch.

Yeah. I'd pluck that.

I can't wait to see the peacock.

You're right Honey, this Far Side book is quite amusing. Oh that Gary Larson!

It says "pour some sugar on it" to see the mating ritual.

"The Badpun bird will claw out your eyes after spreading its wings in a warning gesture."

It says here he'll sing for us if you toss him a handjob.

It says here that's a Queerasathreedollar Bill.

Dunno what this one is, but I think that was a Bluejay he just nailed in the ass.

It says here I should use lighter gauge shot so it will still be good for eating.

"It's a Red-crowned Flowerpecker (Dicaeum anthonyi kampalili), that crazy bastard"

"Avert your eyes!! She's discarded her bra!!!"

I am going to choke the chicken. Then I am going to choke the chicken.

"And there it is....the very rare Australian Black-Thonged Fornicator! What a beaut!! What are you waiting for? Go get the gun!!"

It is NOT my imagination! I definitely hear Motley Crue's Girls, Girls, Girls.

"A-ha!! Just as I suspected! Bird Flu IS an STD!!"

Ok, I'll admit to being slightly aroused, but remember, after this we go back to watching tentacle porn.

"According to legend, she was once a beautiful young damsel who dared just one time too many to pluck her undies from her ass in the middle of church..."

"We are witnessing the rarely seen mating dance of the "oooo-please-fuck-me-now-harder-harder-harder-mmmm-yes slut bird or the B. Sluttius Suckamee Fuckamee as it's better known. Hey, I never noticed how hot you look in a dirty tank top."

"I don't know about that bird, but the Dow Jones Industrial Average is taking a bit a dive back there."

"OK, honey, you play the part of the 'Concierge' and I'll be both 'Bialystock' and 'Bloom.' Ready? Good.

CONCIERGE: Who d'ya want?

LEO BLOOM: I beg your pardon?

CONCIERGE: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".

MAX BIALYSTOCK: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.

CONCIERGE: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, Apartment 23.

MAX BIALYSTOCK: Thank you...

CONCIERGE: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?

LEO BLOOM: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.

CONCIERGE: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!

"The book recommends we order the 'Birds Gone Wild' video to learn more."

"Says here it is a Chirpendale."

Look! It's a rare Northern Eunuch!

The thong is a clip on

Upon close observation this bird has one wing noticibly smaller than the other one... which means he'd probably fly in circles. His eyes are closed and belly is distended so he probably is ill. And... wait... I believe he may... he may have a thong on...

"What a re-molting' development this is."

"This species generally mates and nests inside the base of a tree with a strange pin-headed dwarf. Hand me my saw."

"Flaunt your cock-of-walk attitude and flex your flight muscles in our understated bikini undies. Lycra/spandex and cotton with smooth stitching that won't ruffle your feathers. Sizes S,M,L,XL. From J. Ploverman, a branch of J. Peterman."

"How did a bird from the Israeli Defense Force get to Central Park?"

"Huh. SkyMall claims this rotating tie rack will revolutionize the way I rotate my ties."

"A bird in a thong is worth two in the buff."

Well it says here that "The Early Bird Gathers The Worm"... and, frankly, it sickens me to think any more about it.

He seems to be hung like a hummingbird.

That wasn't a tweet. That was him farting past a thong.

That does it... It hard enough to walk around with binoculars and NOT feel like a peeping-tom pervert... and now THIS!

"That bird is European, speaking of which, don't look over here cause I'm-a-peein too."

"Pull my finger"

"'A hears by chance a familiar name, and the name involves a riddle of the past.
B, in love with A, receives an unsigned letter in which the writer states that she is the mistress of A and begs B not to take him away from her...' oh Hi honey! I'm just reading an Ashbery poem to my little bird friend Harol- Oh! Haha! Harold, how long have you had that on? Pshh. Hahahaha! What a kidder."

"No, it's not a Thong, it's a Brown-Breasted Reed Warbler"

It says here that--ooh! Papercut! Barbara, retrieve the emergency aid satchel!

"I gotta tell ya... thish Guide to Mixology in the Field is grreat. And your idea to wear the bottles 'a booze 'round our necks was grreat, too. You wouldn believe what I'm sheein innat tree right now."

Oh my goodness, this is a rare find indeed! According to the Amateur's Guide to Digarded Undergarments of the Rich and Famous, that is quite likely the very G-string that Paul Simon wore when he gave his free concert in Central Park in 1991. There were clearly two very lucky birds on that day.

ah, that should be "Disgarded"...

"I got it! Victoria's Secret aviary thong."

"According to this it's a bird."

[ Ouch! This happens all the time, but I expected better from you, Francis... or should I say, Senator Kerry. ]

Vance - I'm just shocked you didn't weigh in on "disgarded."

I knew I had Pat Buchanan's phone number in this bird guide for just this reason. -- Hello, Pat? -- I have an issue: the sanctity of my G-string is being threatened. -- Yes, again. ...

"It's an 'Amy Jay', and it is an early bird."

"I brought a couple of midgets -- do you mind?"

"It's a songbird - Monica Lewinskii."

"...and most likely birds, all species of 'AVES', decended from hornbilled feathered dinosaurs...
What the Fuck?!!"

I bet Al Gore blames THIS on Global warming, too!

Vance should have "wayed" in. What a lameass spelling error. I respectfully request you take me out of the running for this week :)


"'This species, formerly aptly named Porn with Gay Men, is now called the Cornish Game Hen.' So what's that, like a little chicken? Let me understand- you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. Then who's having sex with the hen? You see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!"

I'm just shocked you didn't weigh in on "disgarded."

News Flash: Contrary to All Appearances, Daniel Radosh Easily Shocked

yup.. yup you can see it right here. that's definitely Warrior II position.

"Says here 'The goose is it's natural enemy but it has adapted to defend itself.'"

Why can't you wear something nice once in a while, like her?

Just like my ugly wife, this bird is showing too much skin

If we spend any more time birdwatching you can sleep on the couch tonight

Just like with Lennon and Chapman I am holding Catcher in the Rye.

"I'm not kidding...the book calls it the Fowl Monty."

"I'm pretty sure that's Harley, who is either a gay or bi male?"

No, really. It's mating season is "any time, any place."

The guide says it's native habitat is Italy.

It says they taste like shit unless dressed properly.

Gee, this is different, and I though bird watching was just for wankers that can't shoot straight.

Seen one, seen them all.

I'll read it too you, only seen after excessive vodka comsumption....have you been drinking again Helen?

"It also says ten dollars will get you half an hour."

"This better not be turning you on, Dick -- or I'll divorce you!"

"The book says the birdsong of this species goes...

"Bird schmird--check out the Gaza strip on this Israeli soldier!"

"...likes gender-bending and strolls on the branch..."

"...they tend to dress lightly or...not at all??!!"

"My...God...here it is! It's in the book! Boy, these editors really need to back off! Why the hell do they think we do this in the first place??!!"

"Based on its loincloth, its relative obscurity, and its readiness for crucifixion, it appears to be a paracaviezel."

"Based on its loincloth, its well-defined beak, and its readiness for crucifixion, it appears to be our lord and savior Jesus Christ."

"Hey dickless, go fetch yourself some genitals."

Vance: I must confess, I gave up on reading all the captions ages ago.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2