June 15, 2007

Gawker Advertiser Anti-Caption Contest

The bad part about not making any money from my blog is that I don't make any money from my blog. But the good part is that I don't have to clench my jaw and go along with whatever lame idea some high-paying advertiser comes up with (the lame ideas here are all mine, baby). Not so at Gawker, which makes money hand over fist, and is now running a sponsored caption contest for You Kill Me, a new comedy about a hit man in A.A. It's like the Sopranos without the "everybody talking about it" part.

Anyway, in the Gawker contest you can win an autographed poster and some DVDs by submitting the best caption for the scene below. In my anti-caption version, your worst caption possible can win, um, how about the right to pick the winner for the James Thurber placeholder contest. The last thing I need is to be judging more anti-caption contests fercrissake. Not when everyone's still bitching about those damn dogs. The results for that contest are now in, okay? By the way, did you know the real New Yorker contest gets an average of 6,723.61 entries per contest? Talk about time consuming. The work people will do when they make money off it!


Posted by Daniel Radosh


Radosh, darling, don't get mad. Get an intern.

You're hired!

Sooooo, anyhoo, I whacked that guy on the table - come to find out I was supposed to whack this mook over here. What a whacky, farcical, sit-com turn of events this, has turned out to be.

This guy refused to work with Moltisanti too.

"It says 'Reply Hazy, Try Again.' You want me to shake you a second time?"

"This gives me an idea. What if there were a game controller that you swung around, as if it were an actual stick, instead of just mashing buttons?"

Bitch, if you don't put my friend's tongue back in his mouth right now, I'll mess you up so bad you won't be eating solid food until this tie is back in style.

"I hate to interrupt your dinner, Mr. Dahmer, but the FBI has a couple of questions for you."

"You listen here, fit-a-baldy, I - "
"Can you believe this dweeb? What is he - "
"Stop talking when I'm talking to you, you stupi -"
"No, YOU stop tal -"
"Shut UP!"

The power ties here are obscene.

"No, I would never call them John, Téa or Luke. It's always Mr. Dahl, Ms. Leoni (sometimes Mrs. Duchovny), and Mr. Wilson. Sometimes...but only sometimes...I yell out 'HELLO, Mr. Wilson!!' Y'know, like Dennis the Menace used to, and it seems to be OK with him, 'cause he has a good sense of humor. Capiche?"

Nurse, I need to see a doctor. I can't seem to straighten my neck. And by the way... this is a real nice hospital you work in... I'd hate to see anything happen to it... if you get my drift.

"Howie, I know was responsible for advising my hapless friend here as a contestant on your show. So he had two cases left with $0.01 & $1,000,000 and an offer of $500,000. I told him 'No Deal' since he had case 13 (his birthday) and the last case bimbo had mediocre tits. You'd have a heart attack, too, if you left here with a penny, but you don't have to call us 'stupid fucks'!"

Ahem, previous post- "I know I was responsible..."

"I did NOT call her a nappy-headed ho. I said, 'Holy crap, he hit da flo'.'"

"Mussolini, you crazy bastard! Are you Howie?"

You talkin' to him? You talkin' to him? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to him? Well he's the only one here. Who the fuck do you think you're talking to? Oh, me? OK.

I really need to start using preview.

Yes, I have been told before that Barry manilow raids my wardrobe.

"You'd better leave. His will has a 'no jungle-bunnies touching my corpse' clause."

"So I said, 'Dead...or no dead?' and this guy didn't get it! What, you don't get it either? Because I look like Howie Mandel, duh! Hmm. Maybe pronunciation is more important than spelling when it comes to puns."

"Ohhhhh, teasing me about my soul patch, very funny, yes. Let's see how funny you think it is after I drive my forefinger through your spleen. Oh, don't look so shocked, miss coroner. You know perfectly well you could use the overtime."

"No, I am not 'the gay undertaker' - I believe you are thinking of Six Feet Under. Now back up and please remove your hand from my wiener."

"I saw Gandhi, that was a pretty funny movie, why do you have to be in this crap?"

"And I'm telling you, this ISN'T a period piece." (this is the fight that Howie and the other guy keep getting into about the tie. The lady who plays the lady is pretty bored by it but the costume designer is in the bathroom [which has a sign that reads "Bathroom is for Costumers Only" on the door] throwing up because she had too many shrimp puffs and her father didn't love her so she feels bad about her body even though she's pretty hot [but her personality? Gah, don't get me started, she gets offended by people arriving in lines before she does, we only stay together for the kids] and basically wastes everybody's time before she returns and tells the guy it signifies that the character is uncool, either fashion-dumb or too fashion-forward).

[Jimmy Durante voice] "But you was supposeta put the fundation on this magecky over here and leave that mazorkle alone because the mayor's coming!"

"...an average of 6,723.61 entries per contest"

Would it kill you to round off?

And as for NOT making money on your above average blog, what's with all these ads flanking the copy? Where does that money go?


Would it kill you to round off?

Talk to Mankoff.

Where does that money go?

Toward my monthly hosting fees. And it doesn't always cover them.

By the way, would anybody be upset if I didn't actually choose a winner for this contest?

You can't even cover you own hosting fees and now you refuse to pick a winner?

What happened to you, man?

It used to be about the captions.

Okay... turn your head and cough.
Nurse, I believe this guy's got a bad cough. Have him see me in 2 weeks... and I know I am not the doctor... but I AM bringing in customers.

"For the TENTH TIME, no, there's nothing crawling on your head! Sheesh!!"

"For the TENTH TIME, no, there's nothing crawling on your head! Sheesh!!"

"Why does he, when he lies there all day, make more money than me?"

"That's funny....but you know he can hear us, right?"

The worst theater lobby card in the history of film.

"Why is he lying down? Why is his eyes closed?...and why is the makeup person in the shot?"

"Get a load of this crazy mook. Am I right?"

"Look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!"

"Sorry, Chief, but I will NOT let you jump ahead of me to get a 'haircut' simply because you will be 'in and out in a flash.' "

"What's that, boy? Timmy's stuck in a well??"

"You are not Buddy Holly!"

Ok, now I see the hair you want plucked.

Piss off, baldie.

That reminds me, there's a Kojack rerun tonight.

No, it's Mavis's turn to keep the penis.

Hey Mom, I can see my reflection.

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