The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Place-Holder Contest
There's no New Yorker contest this week, so if you're as bored as I am with last week's cartoon, see what you can do with this 1933 James Thurber classic. Give it your best and/or worst. Next week I'll reveal the actual caption — it's pretty anti-, actually — and maybe choose a new one.
Update. Actual Thurber caption: “I brought a couple of midgets—do you mind?”
Comments
Hello, my name is Larry. It's a pleasure to meet you.
Posted by: Bob | June 11, 2007 1:49 PM
"Mr Goldwyn, here are a couple of extremely short guys who look very much like you."
Posted by: abe | June 11, 2007 1:59 PM
“I brought a couple of your illegimate kids—do you mind?”
Posted by: J.T. | June 11, 2007 2:39 PM
"Let me guess, Thurber drew us after he went blind."
Posted by: gray nixon | June 11, 2007 2:41 PM
"Kali Ma Shakti de... Kali Ma Shakti de... Kali Ma Shakti de..."
Posted by: John Tabin | June 11, 2007 2:52 PM
"When exactly did you say you started dating my ex-wife?"
"Thanks for being like a father to my sons. Now, is it reversible?"
"Thanks a lot, Michaels, all they talk about now are luge lessons and Summers in Rangoon."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | June 11, 2007 3:04 PM
"Looks like your wife left the twins at home."
Posted by: Charles | June 11, 2007 3:06 PM
"You've heard of the long arm of the law? Well, this is the long arm of my right arm!"
"I'm going to rip out your still-beating heart and serve it as an appetizer."
Posted by: Rubrick | June 11, 2007 3:17 PM
I have no testicles, so these are my little bouncers.
Posted by: therblig | June 11, 2007 3:27 PM
"You own a majority of the stock in United Petroleum. I've stolen your children and taught them to mock you by dressing like you. Let's do business."
Posted by: Francis | June 11, 2007 3:34 PM
"No, no, just stay put...my arm will keep stretching until it reaches you."
Posted by: Francis | June 11, 2007 3:35 PM
"My name is Bert Levine. I'll be eating faster and talking louder than you this evening. Pleased to meet you."
Posted by: Francis | June 11, 2007 3:55 PM
"No, no, no. You're doing it all wrong. It's like this. Dumm dee dooo. And... A... Zing. Like this. And here. Here is the part you're missing. The Electric Slide is 22 steps, not 18."
Posted by: mypalmike | June 11, 2007 4:46 PM
"And these are Mini-Me and Mini-Mimi."
"What, you thought the Nicholas Brothers were black?
Posted by: Jim M | June 11, 2007 5:04 PM
“I brought a couple of midgets - do you mind?”
Posted by: mypalmike | June 11, 2007 5:08 PM
"My name's Wonka. And these are my Oompa Loompas."
Posted by: Deborah | June 11, 2007 5:20 PM
The invitation said guest plus one - so I brought two halves, what's your problem?
Posted by: simsburybear | June 11, 2007 5:23 PM
Yes, the extremely short, funny looking guys behind me are mypalmike and his twin brother - and they've just spoiled the party for everyone!
Posted by: simsburybear | June 11, 2007 5:25 PM
I don't know why they did it - they're just brats! I tried to raise them right but I failed! What can you do?
Posted by: simsburybear | June 11, 2007 5:30 PM
Jenkins, I successfully cloned a duplicate who can do everything that you do. The other one is for your wife.
Posted by: Johnny V | June 11, 2007 5:31 PM
Yes, they serve bald men here! In fact, I ordered 2 for myself.
Posted by: Johnny V | June 11, 2007 5:32 PM
Good Day, Adams. Since we are stuck in this blasted Thurber illustration, I took the liberty of cloning 2 of you. I have named them 'Walter' and 'Mitty-Me'.
Posted by: Johnny V | June 11, 2007 5:35 PM
That's right... they may have your devilish looks, but they have MY evil eyebrows!
Damn, It looks like every man here went tuxedo shopping at the same Men's Warehouse sale rack!
Posted by: Johnny V | June 11, 2007 5:41 PM
We are the Jersey Boys... 3 Gangsters... here to 'off' you... 'whack' you... perhaps as a threesome we'll even 'whack-off' you!
Posted by: Johnny V | June 11, 2007 5:44 PM
"See Mini-Me's? I told you the Austin Powers' here are obscene.”
Posted by: al in la | June 11, 2007 5:48 PM
"I'm telling you. I was a bitch finding TWO size-zero cumberbunds."
Posted by: Tim H | June 11, 2007 6:32 PM
"Let me tell you about all the advantages of having a 5-foot right arm. And while I do, you might want to ignore my extremely short companions."
Posted by: Tim H | June 11, 2007 6:36 PM
I want the ten grand back that I paid for your midget cousin sex-toys. They never smile and it's a real pain in the ass finding formal wear that fits them properly.
Posted by: SK | June 11, 2007 6:46 PM
"Bruce Wayne - or should I say batman? - You are the reason my hand and arm are mangled like this. I, The Strider, and my sidekicks, Two Steps, shall have revenge now!"
"Clease is the name. I;m from the Ministry of Silly Walks."
"So the cat says
'I will pick up the hook
You will see something new
Two things. And I call them
Thing One and Thing Two.'
Now forty years later, here they are. My sister Sally there can verify that what I'm telling you is true."
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 11, 2007 7:34 PM
"Perhaps these two bald midgets in tuxedos will refresh your memory!"
Posted by: jmt | June 11, 2007 8:37 PM
"I shrunk them and I'll shrink you too! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha wait, should that have been 'shrank'?"
Posted by: Francis | June 11, 2007 9:30 PM
Let's talk -- you too can have a 12-inch pianist.
Posted by: Dex | June 11, 2007 9:40 PM
Fusilli, you crazy motherfucking dickslap, how the fuck are you? And may I present my two young sons? I really shouldn't curse around them as much as I do, but sometimes it's hard.
Posted by: implied otter | June 11, 2007 9:43 PM
"Smell my hand. SMELL IT."
Posted by: J | June 12, 2007 12:55 AM
"Do ignore the diminuitive copies of yourself that appear to be trailing me. They aren't real. Our cartoonist suffers from Charles Bonnet syndrome, an otherwise harmless disorder which causes him to conjure up convincing, undersized hallucinations."
Posted by: J | June 12, 2007 1:00 AM
Welcome to my gallery opening. The Renoirs here are obscene.
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 12, 2007 7:34 AM
"Borenstein, you crazy bastard! Where'd ya get those thalidomide menorahs?"
Posted by: dwilk | June 12, 2007 7:52 AM
"Put it there, Gurspan! Say, you wouldn't have 4 quarters and a postage stamp for a dollar, would you?"
Posted by: dwilk | June 12, 2007 8:17 AM
"They're a little gift I brought- when I saw them I immediately thought of you."
"Great party. Do you mind if I take a couple of midgets for the road?"
Posted by: LV | June 12, 2007 8:53 AM
"I'm a big fan of your work on Night Court, as you can see from how I had my children surgically modified to look like you. I also molded my daughter into John Larroquette, but she killed herself."
"Hi, I'm the inspiration for the song 'Blister in the Sun.' You must be some ugly guy."
"A fan of Arli$$, really? Wow, I hardly get that anymore. Or, for that matter, while the show was running. Anyway, so yeah, now I'm a waiter."
Posted by: t.a.m.s.y. | June 12, 2007 9:11 AM
"Hey, buddy, look - my arm is so long it's bigger than either of my bald-headed sons."
"Hello, and welcome to Hell. You're lucky you got into the posh section, where our punishment is substandard caviar, but we still get to watch the proceedings from our giant picture window."
"Pull my hideously oversized finger."
"Hi. As you've probably surmised, my sons have head lice. Or had, I should say. Hopefully we've finally licked 'em this time."
Posted by: Vance | June 12, 2007 10:45 AM
"Oddly, my right arm is normal; it's the rest of my body which is freakishly small."
Posted by: Tim H | June 12, 2007 10:48 AM
Sanders, great to see you. Don't you hate these formal affairs? I often call my tux a 'Monkey suit' but it's natural after all, what with me and my freakishly long arms. Are these your kids behind me? I see the resemblance.
Posted by: Johnny V | June 12, 2007 11:07 AM
So my doctor says, "Stretch... try to touch your toes without bending your knees."
I had to quit seeing the quack... I mean, in our world who can't touch the tip of their toes without bending??!
Posted by: Johnny V | June 12, 2007 11:11 AM
"My sons are offering the tops of their heads as stand-ins for your wife's missing tits."
Posted by: Jim M | June 12, 2007 11:20 AM
Hi, I'm James Thurber and this is my carnival. Now, with your permission, I'd like to give your wife a Wonderful O.
Posted by: therblig | June 12, 2007 11:53 AM
"Captain Picard, I'd like you to meet my boys. And by 'boys' I mean my huge hairy testicles. By the way, who invited those midgets?"
Posted by: Vance | June 12, 2007 12:48 PM
Luke, I am your father... and by the way, these are your 2 brothers. What did you think??! I'd take over the galaxy and not get any action?
Posted by: Johnny V | June 12, 2007 1:08 PM
You can't outrun the long arm of the brother-in-law.
Posted by: mypalmike | June 12, 2007 1:44 PM
Sam cringed inside as Larry approached him. He had been hoping Larry would not show up for this, the tenth reunion of the 1997 Syracuse Midget Tossing Club. But of course he would. Larry "De Tossa" DeCosta, although never holding an official title, was the de facto king of the club. His midget tosses were the stuff of legends, echoes of which still reverberate like so much drum-n-bass through the beer-soaked halls of Fraternity Row. Sam's heart drooped wearily as he considered how his biggest rival, his secret rival, had found professional success in a sport that had been a mere novelty just a decade before. It was Sam, not Larry, who had done all the hard work to bring the burgeoning sport to Syracuse, fought with the Dean, the Registrar, the Bursar's office, the police. Larry had ridden the coattails of, indeed stood on the shoulders of, giant Sam. Only one thing calmed Sam's simmering anger: the knowledge that the statue in the foyer was modeled after himself, not this beast whose grotesque arm stretched out before him.
Posted by: mypalmike | June 12, 2007 2:19 PM
The Maitre Double D's will seat you.
Posted by: David W | June 12, 2007 4:26 PM
I hear it's your first date and we just wanted to assist you with the small talk.
Posted by: David W | June 12, 2007 4:30 PM
I just wanted to introduce you to our shrimp chefs.
Posted by: David W | June 12, 2007 4:32 PM
Sorry if you have to wait long for your meal. We're a little short on staff.
Posted by: David Winger | June 12, 2007 4:39 PM
"T.A. Winchler, Senior, here."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 12, 2007 5:02 PM
"T.A. Winchler of Acme Cloning; you pick one, we keep the other as a backup. They'll get bigger."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 12, 2007 5:05 PM
"They can only stay a minute. You see David Chase is coming back from France tonight and they're employed to prevent his 'knee-capping.' "
Posted by: Tim H | June 12, 2007 5:26 PM
"They're the grandsons of Maria Tallchief and, yes, I DO realize the sublime irony."
Posted by: Tim H | June 12, 2007 5:32 PM
"The hors d'oeuvres here are obscene."
Posted by: stcoleridge | June 12, 2007 5:47 PM
"I know what you're thinking. Does that grotesque cartoon hand have five fingers or only four? Well, to tell you the truth, since I’ve been standing here for 74 years, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is the only caption contest you'll get this week you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?"
Posted by: al in la | June 12, 2007 7:03 PM
"Yeah, I know..."But doesn't his tuxedo fit nicely"...save it, babe!"
Posted by: Greg | June 12, 2007 7:42 PM
"Don't mind them...they're keeping an eye on my right-arm only, 500 pound barbell that I bring everywhere!"
Posted by: Greg | June 12, 2007 7:47 PM
I'm going to ask you one more time: is tonight the first time you met my wife?
Posted by: Charles | June 12, 2007 7:49 PM
"Hello. I've brought low expectations and little patience with me this evening."
Posted by: Greg | June 12, 2007 7:54 PM
"Let me extend my hand, another 5 feet or so, and welcome you both to the Waldwarf Historia."
Posted by: dwilk | June 12, 2007 8:54 PM
"Buck, your time has come."
Posted by: Vance | June 12, 2007 11:06 PM
The key to Midget Toss is the follow through. Come on, let's play another round.
Posted by: JohnnyB | June 13, 2007 7:55 AM
"No winner to Contest #102? Who the hell do you think you are, Radosh, David Chase?!"
Posted by: Jim M | June 13, 2007 10:18 AM
"If this thread breaks 100 comments before the new New Yorker Caption Contest is announced, The Anti-Caption Contest will have, in effect, established itself as a separate, self-sustaining (well...) entity. Isn't that fascinating? Hey, where you going..."
Posted by: J | June 13, 2007 12:32 PM
"My giant hand looks like a perfect fit with your wife's grotesquely enlarged neck."
Posted by: Jim M | June 13, 2007 12:42 PM
A thousand dollars says that the Pollack is a fake.
Posted by: Charles | June 13, 2007 2:22 PM
“Well, it’s like this Jim, first you shake the hand, then the hand gives you what you’ve always dreamed of - two tiny, well-dressed, albeit incensed, versions of yourself.”
Posted by: danny nutter | June 13, 2007 8:03 PM
"Good evening! I am the Golux, the only Golux in the world, and not a mere Device."
Posted by: Richard | June 13, 2007 10:23 PM
"You don't know me, Mr. Savalas, but you might say I know you. I bought a sample of your DNA on eBay eight years ago and we've been lovers ever since."
Posted by: jmt | June 14, 2007 9:38 AM
Are we wearing cutlasses or are our trousers striped? I would like to know, because these two midgets and I are approaching you in a menacing fashion, sir.
Posted by: junior | June 14, 2007 10:27 AM
I'd sure like to be in the catbird seat. And by "cat", I mean "pussy". And by "bird" I mean your wife. And by "seat" I mean your wife's ass. And of course, the midgets get to watch.
Posted by: therblig | June 14, 2007 1:55 PM
Jenkins, good to see you! Oh, crap, you brought Sally, your wife! I only brought 2 midgets for us to sit on, as there is never a chair at these gatherings. Would Sally mind sitting on my lap?.... Well, perhaps she'd actually be more comfortable sitting on your lap?!
Posted by: Johnny V | June 15, 2007 11:29 AM
"Nice to meet you. I'm the letter 'K' and these are the single quotes."
"Daniel Edwards, me and my boys just saw your sculpture of John Travolta urinating on a poodle in the next room, and we're not one bit happy about it."
"Mr. Mathers, nice to meet you. I'm Kid Rock, and these are my boys Joe A and Joe B. As I'm sure you know, their brother can't be with us tonight."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | June 15, 2007 1:50 PM
"Yes, I'll give you one. It's like"Sophie's Choice," but not so icky and holocaust-y."
"They're perfect little gentlemen which is more than I can say for you, sir, since you clearly fucked my wife."
"Say, did you watch the '33 World Series? Seventy-four years from now, my kids will still be cheering for the New York Giants."
Posted by: nell | June 18, 2007 2:09 AM
"Sure they're short. Times are tough!"
Posted by: Greg | June 20, 2007 8:16 PM