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May 7, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #98

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"Hey, is that some sort of artillery gun barrel protruding through the wall? Why don't you look at it and see. Heh-heh-heh... (Sound of armor-piercing depleted uranium rounds being loaded in the next room.)" —John Tabin

Finalists
"Watkins, you are such a drama queen. If this is your reaction to moving to a windowless office, I can't wait to see how you handle losing your key to the executive washroom."—doc

"So Jenkins, how are you enjoying Bring Your Ineffectual Astronomer to Work Day so far?" —Ben

Honorable mention
"Johnson, I know how profoundly you wish you were a fly on the wall here in my executive suite. But you're not. That fly is. And you're scaring it with your enormous-seeming eye."—gary

"Oh don't mind Stanley. He's retarded." —emily miletello

"Heh heh. Another unwitting victim gets too close to my vacuum-powered eyeball harvester! I love my job."—Vance

"Yes, we will be installing Windows...in your COMPUTER." —JohnnyB

"And then he said 'Second prize is a set of steak knives'. I mean, can you fucking believe it? What next, he's going to ask for my TPS reports? Christ, office humor is so repetitive."—99

"Radosh has made it incredibly easy for you: It says 'Search' above the box and then 'Search this blog' inside the box. Then, if that's not enough, there's even a little icon that says 'search'...You're looking right at it. Now do you see it?" —al in la

"This office is zanily inefficient." —My Man Godfrey

Research at the President's Council on Science and the Environment:?"Splendid work- carry on."—LV

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

Uh, OK Jenkins...and as soon as you find your ass, we're going to have a long talk about that elbow...

"Hey, what are you looking at, faggot?"

(I totally wouldn't have submitted this if not for ogred's dolphin caption.)

"Isn't that spider dead by now, Mengele?"

Now I agreed to allow kaleidoscopes in the office, but no touching yourself at the same time.

"I've been meaning to ask you, Jenkins. How the hell do you keep such a nice crease on your trousers?"

"I told you it would be less stable than a tripod."

"Watching your hopes for a fulfilling career and a rich family life recede on the seas of corporate iniquity again, Harris?"

"So we're offering stock options to whoever spots the whale first, Starbuck."

"That "Land Ho!" remark was offensive, Don. You're fired."

"The building seems to be listing hard to starboard, Captain."

"Yes, we will be installing Windows...in your COMPUTER."

"'The handwriting's on the wall' is just an expression, dipwad."

"So which is it? Off-white or ecru?"

"Y'see? On a clear day, you really can see forever. But watch out that the front leg doesn't scoot over the edge there, or the telescope will fall off into the infinite void. And those lenses are expensive."

"Heh heh. Another unwitting victim gets too close to my vacuum-powered eyeball harvester! I love my job."

"Listen, Clark, all of us here at the Daily Planet are upset about you and Lois, but come on - how long are you gonna go on just staring at that damn wall???"

"Gray! Did I hear you say gray?"

"That's the spot the cleaning woman missed. I say we fire her and hire an illegal immigrant instead."

"You understand that for security reasons, I'll need to be able to observe every part of the boys locker room. For security reasons. And when you're done setting that up, install a lock on this door."

"Still nothing?"

"You have absolutely no sense of perspective. Of course, that's why your work is so charming, Mr. Vey."

"I've never found your 'staring at the wall' bit very funny."

"Johnson, I know how profoundly you wish you were a fly on the wall here in my executive suite. But you're not. That fly is. And you're scaring it with your enormous-seeming eye."

"Until you point that thing in the right direction, you'll never spot three stars. And we'll never be able to do havdalah. So move it!"

"The quarter is superglued to the wall, Copernicus."

"Afternoon, Sam. Oh, no, by all means, don't let me interrupt you. But while I have you here I want to talk to you about next Thursday's performance review. You see, Sam, we value honesty in this office, I don't think I have to tell you that--you remember what happened to Jim--but there have been rumors, Sam. Let me be straight with you. Some people around the office have been saying that you have been intentionally placing yourself in such a way that an observer standing at the threshold, say like I am now, could only see that you are looking through your telescope, they say the open door would block the rest of the scene, which they say has you staring at a blank wall. I know it sounds absurd, Sam, but just hear me out. Even if it's just a rumor, I mean, can you even imagine what might happen if word about this got out to our competitors? PeepingTom.com would have a field day! I can't bear to even think about it. But Sam, I've known you a long time, and I trust you. I just want you to know, if any of this nonsense comes out on Thursday, I'll be there to back you up. Oh no, no need to thank me. Alright, buddy. Back to work."

"OK, if you stop staring at the wall, we'll get you a doorknob."

"I connected an extra leg to your tripod. A subtle joke, perhaps, but that's just my marvelously dry sense of humor. Now I'm off to enjoy some cognac."

Oh don't mind Stanley. He's retarded.

"What has 6 legs and no brain, Hendricks?"

"A STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT THROUGH TUESDAY FOR THE WATERS FROM MCCORMICK BAY TO THE BOURNE SOUND OUT 20 TO 60 NM. GALE WARNINGS REMAIN IN EFFECT THROUGH TUESDAY FOR NEARSHORE WATERS...WITHIN 20 NM OF THE SOUTHWEST ISLAND COASTS. HURRICANE FORCE WIND WARNINGS REMAIN IN EFFECT ACROSS THE OFFSHORE WATERS CLOSER TO THE GULF STREAM. ALSO...HIGH SEAS AND BUILDING SWELL WILL PRODUCE DANGEROUS WAVE ACTION...PARTICULARLY NEAR HARBOR ENTRANCES AND INLETS. PLEASE REFER TO THE LATEST COASTAL WATERS FORECAST AND OFFSHORE WATERS FORECAST FOR SPECIFIC INFORMATION REGARDING WINDS AND SEAS."

"What I don't understand is, why do you have a deformed corn cob instead of a keyboard?"

"Ni hao ma."

"You're fired."

"I like knowing that if you're in a Vey cartoon, it's politically correct."

"Don't mind me, I'm just doing a routine slicked-back hair check."

"...so I go BACK to Home Depot for the THIRD time, and I tell the clerk, the putty knife didn't work, so he says well, did you try chipping at it with a screwdriver? and I say no, I'm not gonna risk chipping the tub, this was supposed to be a small little job I could do in a couple hours, so THEN he tells me there's such a thing as a 'grout knife' that should work well, and I'm thinking, why didn't you say that three hours ago, the first time I was here? and he tells me to 'hang on' because he's with another customer AGAIN, so I'm waiting, waiting, AGAIN, and finally I say, if you just tell me about where these knives are, I can try to find it on my own, and then he huffs at me like I'm inconveniencing him...."

"Once you're sure the height is comfortable for you, I'll show you how to lock the legs in place so they're good and stable."

"Considering the size of your eyes and the size of your nose, I think you should be moved to the wall smelling department."

You see, Thomas, gray tones on the printed page are actually made up of tiny black dots. In the printing industry, the resultant pattern is called a "halftone." Now if you'll excuse me, I hear my teapot screaming, which means water is boiling in its tummy.

"Congratulations, Smithers, your grant application for this "Watching Paint Dry: Is It REALLY Boring?" research has been approved."

I know you're a bit upset about our new HMO only covering do-it-yourself home lasik surgery, but it certainly cuts down on our premiums.

"Perkins, may I come in? You know, when we hired you, it was clear that your attention to detail was second to none. I mean, when you look up 'detail oriented' in the dictionary, there should be a picture of you. Of course, 'detail oriented' is two words, so you'd never actually look it up. Well, maybe in some sort of phrase book... My point is, you haven't let us down in the detail department. Also, you have an uncanny ability to stay focused despite all the distractions of this work environment. Focus is clearly one of your strengths, no doubt about that. However, we feel that you need to brush up on your communications skills. Perkins, I think you know what I'm talking about: your listening skills. This is not the first time I've brought it up. Indeed, it's been mentioned in your review every year since you started at this firm. You really need to pay closer attention when clients and superiors are talking to you. Well, look, I've got to catch a 3:30 meeting with the board. Keep this stuff in mind and we'll meet next week to discuss your progress. Thanks, Perkins."

"Meep."

"I don't understand how any of those are funny either, but can we move on to this week's contest?"

"Look, Marvin, there's no shame in admitting you have a drinking problem. Well, I guess there's a little shame... probably a good deal, actually, now that I think of it. But the point is, you're not fooling anybody by putting your Tequila bottle up on spindle-legs and pretending to look into it, OK?"

"If you've positioned all your little Martians in the cockpit to your satisfaction, do you think you could move on from your 'War of the Worlds' diorama and do some work?"

Let's cut the charade, Kepler. We both know your glass is focused squarely on my desk next door, and I'm tired of pretending I don't know that when I masturbate.

Now bend over a little more...a little more...

If you want a bigger paycheck you're going to have to start sucking more dick.

"Hey, is that a Meade 10" Schmidt-Cassegrain LX90GPS?"

Check the other wall and then check craigslist again. I want that fucking doorknob.

"Jenkins, have you ever noticed that 'astronomy' and 'sodomy' sound vaguely similar?"

You can stop looking Felchley. I found your other arm. Help me get it out of my butt.

If you're looking for your ass-cherry it is loooong gone. Now let's talk about that reserved parking space you wanted Angel-Tits.

"I'm so pleased you're making the most out of your new office. Mr. Wethersby, your predecessor, never really appreciated the pretend window."

"So, Wilkins, now I hope you understand why we have gone from being a "prestigious Wall Street law firm" to being a "prestigious Law Street wall firm."

"You've got the lens cap on, asswipe."

"Someday, Jenkins, all that will be yours."

My turn.

So Jenkins, how are you enjoying Bring Your Ineffectual Astronomer to Work Day so far?

"And then he said 'Second prize is a set of steak knives'. I mean, can you fucking believe it? What next, he's going to ask for my TPS reports? Christ, office humor is so repetitive."

"Let me know when you are done with that and I'll see if I can figure out why your computer is only displaying horizontal lines. Don't close the door, okay?"

“Try locating the stud by knocking on the wall.”

"Hey, is that some sort of artillery gun barrel protruding through the wall? Why don't you look at it and see. Heh-heh-heh... (Sound of armor-piercing depleted uranium rounds being loaded in the next room.)"

"Ah, the new iTelescope. By the way, I love how you attached your iPod shuffle into that hershey bar on your desk, then attached those to your laminated book."

"Hello Bob. Do you see what I see? Ha ha ha, just a little Christmas humor."

"Forgot your glasses again? I'm over here."

You're watching the wrong wall, you idiot.

"Doesn't look like that giant blackhead remover is quite working. Maybe you should give it one more try."

“So, Morton. Can you guess which hand I’m holding your certificate of mental retardation in?”

Give it up Bob - no one could find the humor in this cartoon with an electron microscope, even.

"Fine, but next time, I get to play Jimmy Stewart and you'll be the Grace Kelly character."

"Hey Johnson, look out your window. Did you know there's a sorority house with no window shades over there? Johnson?"

"Good news Jenkins! You've just been named Bush's new war czar!"

"Hello, Mr. Griswold, and welcome to the Riverdale Center For the Treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorders. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"Radosh has made it incredibly easy for you: It says 'Search' above the box and then 'Search this blog' inside the box. Then, if that's not enough, there's even a little icon that says 'search'...You're looking right at it. Now do you see it?"

"Watkins, you are such a drama queen. If this is your reaction to moving to a windowless office, I can't wait to see how you handle losing your key to the executive washroom."

"Sure, it's a bit unwieldy, but you'll get used to it. Look, in all my years as an optometrist, I've never seen a worse case of nearsightedness. Standard eyeglass lenses are just not powerful enough, Mr. Magoo."

"Watkins, if you can really see through walls, I'm sure we can find better uses for your talents. If you can't see through walls, we're gonna need to talk."

"We had to use a gale-force puff of air for your test, but we've got a diagnosis: Grave's disease with wicked glaucoma."

"Good, a center-vent coat as requested. Now keep focused, drop trou and your prostate exam will be done in about 10-15 minutes.

"You don't have to participate in these trust exercises, Dave, but whatever it is you're looking for, you're not going to find the close bond that I'm about to make with your coworkers that are standing behind me in the hall with their arms linked, ready to catch me in this trust fall."

Ha. And Corporate thought that hiring an indoor astronmer would be a waste of money. Keep up the good work, Stanley.

"I guess I can understand, Harris, why you would want to touch that very stylized model of a mosquito, but it still creeps me out."

Another day designing new telescopes, huh Peterson

"Magritte called, and he wants his telescope back."

"Excuse me Under-Deputy Secretary of Defense, Equipment Division, Johnson, may I have a word?"

Happens all the time, I get a USB rocket launcher and now everyone has to have one.

Oh, there's a worm hole in here alright. I know because a beautiful mermaid used to come though it and provide helpdesk support when I was in this office.

"I see that you've discovered 'The Secret.'"

"I don't much care for the idea of my office being used as a storage room . . . but I suppose it's no big deal if this wax dummy -- whose face, shoulders, and hands were severely damaged when the gallery's air conditioning system malfunctioned -- is kept here, so long as it's only for a day or two. When you work at the executive office of Madame Tussaud's House of Wax, this sort of inconvenience comes with the territory. Heh, heh . . . heh . . . heh . . . hmm."

"This office is zanily inefficient."

Henson! "When I asked you to keep your eye on the small stuff I was hoping it would increase your productivity"

"It's no use looking for the office Tiger there, you idiot - I told you, we keep him on top of a filing cabinet. Kiss me, you mad, impetuous fool!"

Johnson, "I thought you were only kidding when you said you would rather watch paint dry"

Herman, "I dont care how long you stand there, you're not getting an office with a window"

"Tom, Tom, Tom."

Funny how the universe has contracted to just this room and part of the hallway. Universes didn't used to do that. But just in case it gets bigger again or something, I still want that globalization plan first thing tomorrow morning.

"Like the color? It's Dorian grey."

"As ombudsman, we expect you to tell us if you see any bias in our coverage. Welcome to Fox News, Johnson."

"Ha ha! Fooled you! That's a wall."

"Galileo, you crazy bastard!"

"et-hem. ... et-HEM. ... aHEM. .... A-HEMM! .... MRM-HRMMMMM!! .... Yo, DOUCHEBAG!"

"I believe Oscar Wilde's quote was 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars,' not 'We are all hanging out in our offices...'."

"I am a pussy."

I'm guess you don't get a lot of hits on your daily glaucoma blog, huh?

"I'll bet with a mirror you could see Uranus."

"This might just be my dick speaking, Beeker, but I doubt you’ll achieve penetration with that thing.”

I just fucked your wife in the butt with a whiffleball bat and all you can do is look in that damnable scope?

"You should try these things I wear on my face, Farnsley - they're called glasses."

You really are a stupid son-of-a-bitch, you know that? Why the hell did we even hire you? I mean... damn, man. God damn.

"Look at all of your gadgets, and still, you have overlapping notes on your bulletin board."

"What a waste of credit card points."

"You know, ground beef is on sale today."

"You know what would be fun? Fishing in the bath tub!"

"You'd better find your daughter fast. That opening in the wall leading to the other dimension should close up in about two minutes, and if she's not out by then, you'll never, ever see her again. And I suspect she'll die an agonizing death."

I know you don't understand a word I'm saying, Therkelsen, but I am truly sorry about the brain damage. The loss of your expertise will cost us millions and could mean the demise of the SETI Project. Having said that, I still think you're an asshole and I don't give a damn who knows it!

"Now, now Jonnie. Don't be like that. Its time for our bath. Lets get those clothes off shall we?"

The hours here are unseen.

"When I said you needed a little Scope I was referring to your breath."

"The Audubon Society called to rescind your membership- your count of 17 million whooping cranes was the last straw."

No matter how hard you bug your eyes out, you’re not going to find glory that way, Jenkins.

"I hate to interrupt,Colwell, but the ectoplasma screen is to be used only by those employees dabbling in the occult. Sorry, man. Hey,isn't that Nitzger's Swarovski? He's been looking high and low for that thing! Um, I think we'd better have a talk later."

"And you STILL can't see the fucking wall?"

Hey buddy, uncuff me and I'll show you the stars.

Laser treatment? I'll try anything. These worms are starting to drive me insane.

I pooped my pants, Carl. Pooped them real good. That's what you're smelling right now. But I can assure you that there 'scope is clean as a whistle.

An ass hair on the lens of your grandfather's big, thick, antique telescope? Why would I know anything about that?

Research at the President's Council on Science and the Environment:
"Splendid work- carry on."

"You're right: you ARE incredibly far-sighted. OK, so what will I be wearing tomorrow?"

I can't believe I hired you morons. You have to take the goddamn lens cap off. Dipshit.

"Maybe you need to update your browser."

Well, this proves it. I'm an incredibly unattractive bore and you are a hopeless idiot.

It's times like this that remind me why we fell in love in the first place.

Do you think that my hands are as tiny as your hand? Quick. Yes or no.

Kissinger stumbles upon a mole at the White House circa 1973.

(not an entry)

The folks over at the New Yorker are out to lunch. The winner of the Twohy cartoon of the guy entering the Pearly Gates is a direct ripoff of a Gary Larson Farside cartoon from years ago that was captioned (something like) "It's (name), he's taking it with him". I guess that in addition to being poor judges of humor, the snot-nosed interns at the New Yorker have no appreciation for the craft and its masters.

My anus? Really? What about my secretary's? Can you see hers too?

"I didn't know what you wanted for your birthday, so I just played it safe and went with an empty bottle of Chianti and four creepily long churros."

So... that's NOT a tripod, eh???! What is it then... a Quadpod???!

"Just wanted to let you know, the doorknob you ordered is in."

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