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April 29, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #97

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"You think think is some kind of game, you moron? You don't 'win' anything... You just beat them until they are dead or brain damaged." —simsburybear

Finalists
"Toyota's done the electric hybrid already. We need something new. Something 21st century. Like this. It runs on gas, but we use Indonesians for pistons. Tom Friedman frickin' loves it." —Eric

"It finishes the Unichem report by 3:30 or it gets the hose." —Francis

Honorable mention
"I've been working on a new plant-accountant hybrid. I'm pleased with the results so far." —Deborah

"Are you sure you still want to be a U.S. attorney?" —Michael in LA

"Whack-a-Mole, Shmack-a-Mole. Mostly I just like to pee on them." —Tom

"So nice of you to drop in, Mr. B-- oh, hell, that's the wrong button." —Tim C.

"They said something about needing to place demolition charges in the trusses under the floor. Don't worry, they promised to replace the carpet, and a few days from now we probably won't even remember they were ever here." —Walt


Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

You think think is some kind of game, you moron?You don't "win" anything... You just beat them until they are dead or brain damaged...

"If they make it through this round, they do the tiger on the file cabinet challenge."

"I wanted a skee-ball motif, but the interior decorator said 'whack-a-mole' and I wanted to get in her pants, so I agreed."

"It's called 'prairie-dogging', but, seriously, the imagery is totally lost on me."

"Just ignore them."

"I've been working on a new plant-accountant hybrid. I'm pleased with the results so far."

"We're relying on the psychic abilities of the Wainwright, Johnson, and Coolidge to put us ahead for good, this quarter. The ones in stations B, D and F are just taking a dump."

"Holey, holey, holey is the Lord of Hosts. Also, I am God."

"We're relying on the psychic abilities of Wainwright, Johnson, and Coolidge to put us ahead for good, this quarter. The ones in stations B, D, and F are just taking a dump." (Note to self: More caffeine)

"I'm no engineer, but I think those elevators are moving a tad bit fast."

Welcome to my "glory holes". Are you a "pitcher" or a "catcher".

Let go of that mouse and I won't put you in the holes with the carpet leaches.

About now the rotating blades are starting up. Soylent Green by noon, bitches!!

My thoughts and prayers go with them. But only as far as the acid vats.

I want 6 heads below floor level, and I want it now, Leftwich!"

Sure, it looks like a fun game, but, without some sort of bat and an electronic scoreboard attached, it's just a fucking irritating distraction.

"Some of you may have heard rumors we're downsizing...they're so true."

"Here at Wasserman, Gluck, and Steinberg, we still believe in the pneumatic tube system."

Now do you see why I asked you to bring me a giant mallet?

If you beat my high score you can take anyone of the promotions on the second shelf.

"They just aren't making those 'you're fired' trap-doors like they used to. I don't know why I keep installing more of them."

"Oh, verrrry funny. I ask 'Who's gonnna go down on me,' and this is what I get."

"I don't know which was the worse decision - installing that monumentally huge carousel downstairs, or making that ceiling so low and so porous."

"'Sarlacci,' the plural is Sarlacci. But, yeah, it still takes about a thousand years for one Sarlacc to digest an SVP."

"Ah, good, the Clears are here to vet your next project, Mr. Haggis."

"Do you mind if I shut the door? This is private."

"There's a hole in your floor."

"What are the tall ones balancing on their heads?"

Aren't they just the cutest?

Whack-a-Mole, Shmack-a-Mole. Mostly I just like to pee on them.

"I see you're admiring my alternative seating."

"Welcome aboard, Johnson! Your first job as Executive Vice President of Operations is to get that one in the middle to stop screaming. Then we'll see about those stock options."

"The floor of this office is a thatch made out of straw and cow manure. I had an artisan flown out from Sierra Leone. Cost a fortune. Do you like it? You don't."

"Say, isn't that your wife?"

"I alternated every hole 3' or 6'. I couldn't really make up my mind."

"This is the test of our new growth hormone. 1, 3 and 5 are the control group of midgets, and 2, 4 and 6 are showing remarkable height gain. Unfortunately, the sideways parentheses above their heads are an unanticipated side effect."

"Excellent!"

"Think of them as pistons, and I'm the crankshaft."

"Jeez, you'd think at these rents I'd be able to avoid scratchiti on my windows!"

"See this giant brick I'm leaning on? Aren't you sort of wondering how they got it all the way up here to the 21st floor? Hey, Smedley, I'm talking to you."

"And that, Jenkins, is how babies are made."

There is a mole in our organization

I have upgraded our managers used to be in the trenches, a reference to the First World War. Now they are in the foxholes a reference to World War II. In a hundred years there will be managers with journalists embedded with them.

...so I figured that if "money is the root of all evil" then why shouldn't an evil genius have Ballistic Accountants? Yeah, I know, it doesn't make any sense. And I'm a Human Resources Co-ordinator, not an evil genius. But a guy can dream.

My grandkids are coming over and I thought they would like it if I pimped my floor.

I see you're admiring my new art installation. It's a thought-provoking piece titled "What the Fuck are They Smoking Over at the New Yorker?!!?"

their activity powers my invention that makes the chairs and the city partially disappear.

oh this? it was put in by our feng shui consultant. i think he's sleeping with my wife.

i know it's so crazy! i finally got a phone!

"So nice of you to drop in, Mr. B-- oh, hell, that's the wrong button."

I call it "Whack a Whistleblower."

"I did it so that people wouldn't notice these two deformed-molars-for-seats my wife insisted I have in my office."

Yes, our taller employees are in fact requied to wear four gravity-defying concentric yarmulkes. How tall are you?

Could I just have a dog instead?

They said something about needing to place demolition charges in the trusses under the floor. Don't worry, they promised to replace the carpet, and a few days from now we probably won't even remember they were ever here.

"So, Jenkins, the reason I needed to see you was about the... ??? Uh oh... this can't be good."

I know you have your misgivings about human cloning, Gerald, but let me tell you... Those assholes are the wave of the future!

"It used to come with a giant mallet, but we had to get rid of that part. Do you know how hard it was to get all that blood and splattered brains out of the carpet?"

"It's 42 in decimal. Get it?"

"What do you think of my new nappy-headed holes?"

"It's like Whack-a-Mole, except with people, and it's built into the floor of my office."

"I decided to liven things up a bit around here, so I called some flooring specialists and had them cover the whole thing with cuneiform."

"Hello, and welcome to the afterlife."

It hadn't occurred to me before, but you're right: our race and gender diversity here sucks!

We have a very unique onboarding process.

"Our lawyers negotiated it to settle a sexual harassment suit: For every woman we humiliate, we now have to humiliate five men."

"As you can see from this prototype, the next Democratic debate should be a good deal more fun to watch."

"My desk is made entirely of sharp cheddar."

"Any employee with the potential to go nuclear gets a silo."

"Congratulations on avoiding the boobytraps which have ensnared so many before you."

As you can see, we typically cultivate our talent in-house. But for you, we may make an exception.

"Will you look at the time. It's ten twenty-five."

As you can see, our factory is nuclear powered, but instead of pesky fuel rods we decided to use patients who recently received radiation therapy.

"Well, it's not even the 23rd century yet, and we've already perfected the Star Trek transporter beam... I mean, you know, perfected other than the coming-back-weighing-more-than-plutonium thing."

"I worked my way up from the bottom to get where I am and I'm sure as hell not going to let anybody else try to do the same thing to me. That's why I had a giant vacuum cleaner installed in the catacombs, just in case any junior executives tried to tunnel in through the floor. Now! Back to our employee benefits plan."

"It finishes the Unichem report by 3:30 or it gets the hose."

"Think of an employee, but don't tell me which one it is."

"Welcome to the Eighth Circle. I understand you're here for simony, am I correct?"

"It's a pleasure to meet such an extraordinarily attractive candidate. Not like those people."

"Here at GM we're exploring every possible non-petroleum alternative for powering our 6-cylinder engines- this one looks promising except for the emissions."

"They're from the tamp agency."

"Sure, it's funny to me now, but then I'll go home and watch Mind of Mencia and I'll say to myself, 'Warren Buffett maybe you should just give up comedy altogether.'"

"Human calliope. What, you don't have one? Call facilities, it only takes a couple of days to install."

"If all goes well, they're perfectly calm before the first blades, which cut the Achilles tendon, even make contact. And they stay that way the whole time! Idn't it great? Temple Grandin designed it based on a sketch by Reinhard Heydrich. Of course she thought it was for baboons and he intended it for Jews but it's easily adapted to non-union American office workers. Mwahahahaha! If only they'd organized I'd be powerless! Thank God they didn't write their congressmen about reforming the Taft-Hartley Act!"

I knew buying property next to the minimum security white collar prison would be a big mistake.

"This way I get the product test reports on our trampolines directly."

"No, that would be cruel. They're stuffed."

"Remind me again, Jenkins - how many years has it been that you've worked in the sphincter industry?"

"See, I told you we could find a use for those economists."

"Those are my go-fers."

"It's a kind of people grater. High in transfats, but sprinkled over pasta, delish."

"Toyota's done the electric hybrid already. We need something new. Something 21st century. Like this. It runs on gas, but we use Indonesians for pistons. Tom Friedman frickin' loves it."

"Depleted uranium pogo sticks. This is the best idea you've had, Johnson, since Don't Spill the Ordinance."

Okay, this is funnier if you spend all day reading about Halliburton and all night amusing a toddler. Anyone with me?

"Frankly, Smithers, you can have your zero tolerance. Zero gravity works for us.

"Bored? Nah! Fuck, dude, I could watch this shit all day!" —Ogdred"

"We like to promote employees who have more tiny boomerangs above their heads."

No Wilson, there are actually 12 assholes in my floor.

"Your exact resemblance to me is what saved you from their fate! Anyone who doesn't look exactly like me goes into a hole! No wait! Damn! One of those guys does look exactly like me. Oh hell!"

"It's the ultimate executive toy - it's called 'Whack-A-Prole.'"

"The office has certainly been having its UPS and DOWNS."

.... yes, through the magic of levitation. It's all done with levitation. It was either that or a complex system of ropes and pulleys outside the window. But that would have spoiled the view of the levitating buildings.

No, Tim, I've never believed in computers. Or actually, doing any work at all. I like an uncluttered desk and work just clutters things up. I do like watching whatever is going on with these people in the holes in the floor, though.

I used to pretend they just weren't there. Do you know how difficult that is for a very caring man such as myself? It's unbearable, I tell you. Now I just admit it. Yes, there are holes in the floor with people in fine clothing trapped inside. They go up and down all the time. I feel better with the truth.

Yes, it does trouble me that they're just coming out of the floor like that, but I don't want that to distract you from this very important interview.

"Gloryholes! Gloryholes! Gloryholes!"

"Now, watch what happens when YOU flush."

"Hey! Look!"

"Cost me $37.5 mil...and worth every penny."

"All right, Wilson: you're up. Just pray that you don't pick a Whammy...like these poor folks. Welcome to the Game Show in My Office... Wuahhhhaaaahaaahaaahaaaa!"

"Well, I'll tell ya. I plant the bulbs in the fall and it's anybody's guess how they'll turn out."

You should see whose bobbing up and down under my desk!

"Your wife only goes down when you're not here, Hastings."

At first I wasn't sure why accounting wanted to act out the six-month plan in person, but now I can really see how we're in a hole for January, March and May.

They kept dropping through holes in the floor above. And they make a slippery mess when they split open like ripe mangoes smashing on cement. So HR came up with this.

"Why so shocked Johnson? You knew I'd have to can a few people when I took over."

Yes, yes the holes are fine, but what do you think of the virtual dunce caps?

Feed them? That's a very interesting suggestion.

"Remember the Yellow Submarine movie? The part with all the 3-D holes and everything? Well, so did my goddamn decorator!"

"Yes, but these are holes of varying depths in the floor for employees to sit in. Not the same depths, but VARYING...understand?"

They're playing Lode Runner on my new Nintendo Wii, and it looks like 3 of them may make it out before the floor fills in and squishes them.

The affirmative action committee is long gone so you can all come out now.

"Are you sure you still want to be a U.S. attorney?"

"Three heads up and three heads down: that's the way to London town."

"They're all named Bob. Except for her -- she's Bobbi."

"Don't worry. They're all over-the-hill ad execs. How do you think we made SPAM, anyway?"

(One more time with the right word.)

"Don't worry. They're all over-the-hill ad execs. How did you think we made SPAM, anyway?"

"This is how we punish our Marketing team here at Dave & Busters."

"I'm so glad I had the contractors leave six large holes when I had the floor installed over the quicksand."

"Because I can."

I was told they installed a small version of Disney's "Hall of Presidents"... but isn't that Margaret Thather?
I believe I was ripped off!

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