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April 23, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #96

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"I was thinking today... Let's call it 'Boy' if it's a boy, and drown it if it's a girl." —Trout Almondine

Finalists
"You think we're doing the right thing? Sometimes I wonder how anyone can even bring a child into a world overrun by zombies who can't climb trees." —David John

"Let's just say, hypothetically of course, that it turns out to be some sort of squirrel-human hybrid..."—Tom

Honorable mention
"Hey Tarz! Lookit that! We're up so high all the people down there look like ants! Oh, wait a minute... they ARE ants. But if those ARE ants, what did they do with all the people?"—Dave

"This seems awful dangerous, Scott. Why don't we just climb down from here and go for a boat ride?"
"Sure, Laci. Let's go for a boat ride instead." —mypalmike

"Hey Leibovitz, could you get on with it?! Tom and I are 2 hours late for our Dianetics birthing class."—Shawn

"Jeez, I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. I can't believe I was so stupid as to try to find out what it would feel like to swallow a bowling ball."—Vance

"Colin, while I really do appreciate your commitment to No Impact, sometimes I think I'd like to come down from the tree. . . you know, just for the baby's sake."—gary

"I always thought this branch worked a little better with less of a 'wrapped-vine' motif."—99

"How can I be sure it's yours? We're swingers, after all."—Francis

"Wow I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"—Dan McCoy

"If you threaten me with that knife again, I'll kill myself. And our baby."—Sam L.

"Oops. Should have done my kegels."—danny

"Yeah, that Gopnik story is still rambling on over there... it must be 50,000 words! This goddamn baby will be here before anybody finishes reading that crap."—Anil Dash

"If it's a girl, Radosh wants to run her picture on his web site."—NCLee

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"It's not yours."

Anything with the phrase "when the bough breaks."

"Colin, while I really do appreciate your commitment to No Impact, sometimes I think I'd like to come down from the tree. . . you know, just for the baby's sake."

"Oh, by the way, your mother called."

"I know about your affair with Jane. . . let's just say I heard it through the grapevine."

"Well, if you don't want it, Larry Birkhead will."

"It's Anthony Kennedy's."

I always thought this branch worked a little better with less of a 'wrapped-vine' motif.

"I got a call today. They want me for a 'nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea...Hey, Pepto-Bismol' commercial."

"You Tarzan, me screwed."

"Shouldn't you be out hunting and/or gathering, instead of standing there and posing like Lawrence Olivier in Hamlet? I'm frickin' starving."

"You know what would look good here? some throw pillows."

"No, Tarzan, no matter what Cheeta told you, a woman can not get pregnant from sitting on a tree limb with no panties on."

"So, what, K-Fed? What difference will it make if they have one more picture of me on the internet?"

"No, I think they're trying
to look up YOUR skirt."

"Wow, the people down there all look like ants."

"Crap, I dropped it! Oh well, we'll have another one in a few months."

This is your alternative to the delivery room at Mount Sinai?

"So, you absolutely refuse to give me a partial birth abortion?

I can see role-playing the conception but the birth?

"How can I be sure it's yours? We're swingers, after all."

Well she is the only stylist in 400 miles I guess she only know's one haircut.

I think that Dr. Howser wanted the baby born by C-Section not Tree-Section

It's hot today.

"After watching 'Notes from the Underbelly' I just felt ashamed to be pregnant."

"I can see our house from here. If I turn around and look up."

"I can't believe I ate the whole baby."

Probably be our last baby since the tiger ripped your dick off. Pinning it to your hip isn't gonna make it work.

"I want an epidural."

Turns out a "trunk job" CAN get you pregnant.

Uh, oh. This umbilical cord has gotten all tangled.

It was Phil Collins.

"I gotta go squeeze one out."

I don't know, Tarzan. It could be any of them.

I'd like the idea of public school but when it's my child I can't help but want the best private school money can buy. If only I knew a guy with lots and lots of money and a similar sense of obligation to the well-being of his only child.

Look at these trees. Are you sure we're in The New Yorker?

I'm gonna puke.

"I can't see how it could be your baby, when you're clearly bifurcated from crotch to left shoulder."

"Wow I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"

"If you threaten me with that knife again, I'll kill myself. And our baby."

I'm one of those people who finds domestic abuse profoundly unfunny.

Do you think the lion or the hyena will eat the placenta?

"It's a tumor. I have about three weeks to live."

"I just think if there's going to be 3 of us, we need to move to a bigger tree."

"Look, you're just going to have to face reality and get a real job."

"These vines are actually strangling the life out of these trees, much like the umbilical cord that killed our last baby during birth."

"I must demur. While both of the analgesic regimens used were satisfactory, research shows that intraperitoneal bupivacaine showed better analgesic outcomes."

"Someone left your tiger plugged in overnight."

"I told you wrapping it in leaves wouldn't work. I mean, just because they call it a 'rubber tree'..."

"Does this primitive ripped-up dress make me look fat? ...It does, doesn't it?"

"Oh sure, they look so harmless and placid now, but I'm telling you, Tarzan, it was tentacle rape all the way."

"There is no way in hell we're naming it KTHXBYE."

"Oh! I just felt it kick!"

“So, now you’re saying it wasn’t a banana, but you were still happy to see me?”

"Yes, it was Gregory. How did you know?"

"I'm having an inexplicable craving for pickles. But I'll settle for a freshly killed tiger."

"Are we ready for this? Is it wrong to bring a child into this jungle?"

"I'll never forget your reaction to my 'big news' -- 'Jane, you ignorant slut'"

"Actually, I had to explain to you about pregnancy. Your first reaction was, "Jane fat, Tarzan no feed Jane."

"How can you accuse me of cheating with Cheetah? How could you even think of such a thing?"

"To your credit though, you were never so uncivilized as to call me 'a rude little pig'"

"NOW I know why they call me 'Jane D'oh'."

Okay, Tarzan, with this baby on the way, you're really going to need to get out there and swing home the bacon."

"Me Jane. You Tarzan. That Big K Mart over there."

"We shall name him 'T.A. Winchler II.' Why? Umm...no reason."

Is that a knife in your waste rag or are you just happy to see me?

"OK, now I'm sick to my stomach AND I have vertigo."

"Where do you think you're going with that dildo?"

"The view is nice, but is this the right environment to raise a child?"

"I'm sorry, but you just don't have the body for not wearing shirts."

"I'm just worried about global warming."

"I can't say I'm that displeased that dingoes are eating the first twin. I mean, we can barely take care of ourselves."

"I can't say I'm displeased that dingoes are eating the first twin. I mean, we can barely take care of ourselves."

"I hope you're happy! Now that you've gotten what you wanted, will you stop carrying my vibrator around and return it to my nightstand?"

"I was thinking today...Let's call it 'Boy' if it's a boy, and drown it if it's a girl."

"Could you turn your head? I'm about to take a huge dump. I want to time it just right so it lands on Jimmie Walker and Ann Coulter."

"Oops. Me and my incompetent cervix."

"Oops. Should have done my kegels."

"So, what kind of name is Weissmuller anyways?"

"I think I'm pregnant."

"Jungle love-- it's driving me mad. It's making me crazy."

"Daddy, why is that boy monkey trying to climb on top of that girl monkey?"

the partial-birth abortion caption totally has to win.

Stick to foreign policy, slutwench. Forced topicality is only one element of bad caption writing, and not the most important.

Just a minute, I need to squeeze one out over this tree branch.

"First come love, then come marriage, now Tarzan say he no push baby carriage."

Yeah, that Gopnik story is still rambling on over there... it must be 50,000 words! This goddamn baby will be here before anybody finishes reading that crap.

"I thought I could have sex with an ape-man without compromising my study of ape social systems. Now I'm not so sure."

Here comes our midwife. I wish she'd lose the tusks.

You tell Madonna and Angelina they'll have to wrestle a crocodile to see who gets it.

Of course I used a roofie on you. You're so gay.

Listen, I know this, like, violates your code, or whatever? But, you need to get a job.

Sorry, I haven't seen Cheetah. He was right here. How odd.

"Jeez, I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. I can't believe I was so stupid as to try to find out what it would feel like to swallow a bowling ball."

Nine months later and you still can't say anything but, "me Tarzan". For the baby's sake, I sure hope it's not genetic.

I'd sacrifice my first born for a god damned latte and a cigarette right now.

"Tarzan, you good with knife- trim trees, cut hair, hem clothes. Can't wait 'til you be moyel at bris."

"You think we're doing the right thing? Sometimes I wonder how anyone can even bring a child into a world overrun by zombies who can't climb trees."

"And, how long have you felt this way about the trunk?"

"Tarz, you know a good OB-GYN in our Tree-P-O?"

"This last Survivor challenge is going on way too long."

"Fuck, I dropped my Nintendo DX. The rest of this environmental protest is going to be so boring! (Because activism is tedious.)"

Whoops. Nintendo DS, rather.

You mean Nintendo doesn't have a partial-birth abortion game?

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually getting sick and tired of being deflowered over and over again."

I shit you negative, Tarzan, you can see it from here - beside that building down there - a fucking panhandling dolphin.

"Are you done peeing yet?"

"I do believe it's my body, my choice, but I just can't choose abortion.

Allow me to explain."

"Here comes the Regional Director; I think this may be the end of my Peace Corps service."

"Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think? I've got a monkey in the oven and you've been here all this tiiimmmmeeee..."

"I want a better future for him, a better life. A life...'down there,' among the 'carbon neutral.'"

"WOULD YOU GIVE US A FUCKING MOMENT'S PEACE?!?..I swear these Discovery Channel assholes are worse than paparazzi."

"Some would say you should have withdrawn ages ago. Others might say you should never have gone in there in the first place. The fact remains: I'm totally fucked now, and as best I can see, we don't have a viable exit strategy."

(OK, fine, it won't win this contest, but it's gonna totally kill over at Frank Rich's anti-caption contest.)

I knew I shouldn't have eaten BOTH of those eco-tourists.

No, here's what worries me: since we're not married, I'm afraid that Kyle Sampson will use our supposedly lax morality as an excuse to oust me from my job as a US Attorney.

It all started innocently enough, when I touched Karl's arm at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.

"I'm worried about Sanjaya. And partial-birth abortion."

"This seems awful dangerous, Scott. Why don't we just climb down from here and go for a boat ride?"

"Sure, Laci. Let's go for a boat ride instead."

"I don't care how highly recommended Mr. Po came. The feng shui just feels... off, to me. Like my Qi is facing the wrong direction. Or something."

"If only we could use the sticky sap of this rubber tree to fashion a contraceptive device."

It's hard out here for a chimp.

Since we're not married, I'm going to call him Weissmulli, you crazy bastard!

"I think I'll name him Gregory. I don't know why, but Gregory just keeps floating through my mind. Gregory, Gregory, Gregory. Funny, huh?"

"Sorry, Cheetah! Try not stand under Jane when she sick."

"Goddamn Joe Francis."

I don't know why Maureen O'Sullivan doesn't want me as a stunt double anymore.

Get me some quinine, macadamia nuts on the side-and don't be stingy, baby.

Hope Sting and Trudie can save the rainforest before my water breaks.

It's OK, I guess. But I still like the first apartment we looked at better. I mean, I'd hate for our baby to fall to his death.

"It's a jungle out there."

"Well I'm going to have another beer. You good?"

"No, not the baby. There's something moving in my hair."

Just as I was sitting down on this tree branch, it suddenly dawned on me... there's no actual point to this, is there?

"This tree is made of cracked glass, and I am made of sunbeams. The baby is made of butternut squash, and someone's hazy dreams. Your knife is made of penis, and you are made of sand. This is not quite what I expected, when I began to read Ayn Rand."

"God, I'm fat."

"I know, Tarzan, I shouldn't have called myself "slutwench," and I probably shouldn't have given the thumbs up to Jim M's abortion caption, but Radosh's bitch slap on Monday was really out of line and has got me feeling totally suicidal."

I know we wanted to give the baby's room a jungle theme, but this is re-god-damn-diculous.

you know i hate it when your chest frowns like that.

I'm pretty hungry now, T. I don't think I can wait for the amniotic sac.

"Do you ever get that 'not-so-pregnant' feeling? What am I talking about? Of course you don't. God you're stupid. I'm sorry. I love you. I couldn't do this without you. Obviously. Jesus."

Hey -- these vines aren't even real! They're made of vine-yl.

"Hey! Get out of our jungle, Jim!"

"Hey Tarz! Lookit that! We're up so high all the people down there look like ants! Oh, wait a minute... they ARE ants. But if those ARE ants, what did they do with all the people?"

Let's just say, hypothetically of course, that it turns out to be some sort of squirrel-human hybrid...

"O.K. I know this is Vine Street. But, where the hell is Hollywood Boulevard?"

"The flowers here are obscene."

I know darling. But... But... It's just that it's hard out there for a pimp.
------

I just don't want our baby to have a penis on the side of his leg like you. There, I said it.

-------

This tree feels old. I bet it's like, over 50 years old.

It's hard out there for a chimp.

“This really isn’t the time to be practicing your stand-up routines.”

Hey Leibovitz, could you get on with it?! Tom and I are 2 hours late for our Dianetics birthing class.

"Depressed? Oh no, baby. I just have this strange carving for a comfortable home and a husband whose job doesn't involve frolicking with jungle animals. Probably just my hormones talking."

"Now that we're both pregnant we need to make sure these branches can hold our weight"

"My water broke all over that guy's head."

"Color me crazy, but isn't that guy Upton Sinclair?"

1. "You know what? I think this really _is_ Endor."

2. "Umm ... is this one your comically long penis? How about this one?"

3. "First the same haircut and now this."

Jane, do you reckon it will have my anatomically incorrect nipples?

"Is a baby born of incest more or less likely to result in birth defects if the parents are identical twins?"

"I can't believe you just pooped right on the ground from here."

"I hate to go out on a limb, but what can I say? I'm barefoot. And I'm pregnant."

"Oh, great, it's the mail. Now, Tarzan, remember our bet: If your 'No give big fish money' caption didn't win, you take me to the hospital, right?"

I just don't know if it's right to bring a child into this world. Especially since it's likely to have a monobrow.

"I KNEW if I opened my mouth and talked trash to LeBron James just when he was ready to jam the ball this would happen."

"I hear that MIT is looking for a new director of admissions, and you may actually be qualified. Just to be on the safe side, I probably should teach you how to spell MIT."

"Jane know Tarzan good with knife. Jane trust Tarzan. But Tarzan no do c-section."

"Hell is other primates."

"Yes, I really do like my beer. Do you think we should talk about it?"

"No, genius. It's not gas."

"If it's a girl, Radosh wants to run her picture on his web site."

Look at all of these vines to swing from -- starting to look like goddamn Los Angeles around here. If I'm pregnant, can I use the carpool vine?

"If it's a boy, we'll call it 'boy'; the tree's already named 'Gregory'."

"I hope it's a band." (nods to NC Lee, Joe Simpson)

"I miss Saddam."*

*Spoken in Arabic

Okay... It happened about 6 months ago when we did it "Monkey-Style".

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