The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #96
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"I was thinking today... Let's call it 'Boy' if it's a boy, and drown it if it's a girl." Trout Almondine
Finalists
"You think we're doing the right thing? Sometimes I wonder how anyone can even bring a child into a world overrun by zombies who can't climb trees." David John
"Let's just say, hypothetically of course, that it turns out to be some sort of squirrel-human hybrid..."Tom
Honorable mention
"Hey Tarz! Lookit that! We're up so high all the people down there look like ants! Oh, wait a minute... they ARE ants. But if those ARE ants, what did they do with all the people?"Dave
"This seems awful dangerous, Scott. Why don't we just climb down from here and go for a boat ride?"
"Sure, Laci. Let's go for a boat ride instead." mypalmike
"Hey Leibovitz, could you get on with it?! Tom and I are 2 hours late for our Dianetics birthing class."Shawn
"Jeez, I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. I can't believe I was so stupid as to try to find out what it would feel like to swallow a bowling ball."Vance
"Colin, while I really do appreciate your commitment to No Impact, sometimes I think I'd like to come down from the tree. . . you know, just for the baby's sake."gary
"I always thought this branch worked a little better with less of a 'wrapped-vine' motif."99
"How can I be sure it's yours? We're swingers, after all."Francis
"Wow I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"Dan McCoy
"If you threaten me with that knife again, I'll kill myself. And our baby."Sam L.
"Oops. Should have done my kegels."danny
"Yeah, that Gopnik story is still rambling on over there... it must be 50,000 words! This goddamn baby will be here before anybody finishes reading that crap."Anil Dash
"If it's a girl, Radosh wants to run her picture on his web site."NCLee
Comments
"It's not yours."
Posted by: gary | April 23, 2007 9:48 AM
Anything with the phrase "when the bough breaks."
Posted by: oudemia | April 23, 2007 9:52 AM
"Colin, while I really do appreciate your commitment to No Impact, sometimes I think I'd like to come down from the tree. . . you know, just for the baby's sake."
Posted by: gary | April 23, 2007 9:53 AM
"Oh, by the way, your mother called."
"I know about your affair with Jane. . . let's just say I heard it through the grapevine."
Posted by: gary | April 23, 2007 9:55 AM
"Well, if you don't want it, Larry Birkhead will."
Posted by: Stephanie | April 23, 2007 10:06 AM
"It's Anthony Kennedy's."
Posted by: J | April 23, 2007 10:11 AM
I always thought this branch worked a little better with less of a 'wrapped-vine' motif.
Posted by: 99 | April 23, 2007 10:13 AM
"I got a call today. They want me for a 'nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea...Hey, Pepto-Bismol' commercial."
Posted by: Tim H | April 23, 2007 10:15 AM
"You Tarzan, me screwed."
Posted by: dwilk | April 23, 2007 10:23 AM
"Shouldn't you be out hunting and/or gathering, instead of standing there and posing like Lawrence Olivier in Hamlet? I'm frickin' starving."
Posted by: John Tabin | April 23, 2007 10:28 AM
"You know what would look good here? some throw pillows."
"No, Tarzan, no matter what Cheeta told you, a woman can not get pregnant from sitting on a tree limb with no panties on."
"So, what, K-Fed? What difference will it make if they have one more picture of me on the internet?"
"No, I think they're trying
to look up YOUR skirt."
"Wow, the people down there all look like ants."
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 23, 2007 10:28 AM
"Crap, I dropped it! Oh well, we'll have another one in a few months."
Posted by: John Tabin | April 23, 2007 10:29 AM
This is your alternative to the delivery room at Mount Sinai?
Posted by: Joe | April 23, 2007 10:34 AM
"So, you absolutely refuse to give me a partial birth abortion?
Posted by: Jim M | April 23, 2007 10:35 AM
I can see role-playing the conception but the birth?
Posted by: FD | April 23, 2007 10:36 AM
"How can I be sure it's yours? We're swingers, after all."
Posted by: Francis | April 23, 2007 10:37 AM
Well she is the only stylist in 400 miles I guess she only know's one haircut.
Posted by: FD | April 23, 2007 10:37 AM
I think that Dr. Howser wanted the baby born by C-Section not Tree-Section
Posted by: FD | April 23, 2007 10:39 AM
It's hot today.
Posted by: FD | April 23, 2007 10:39 AM
"After watching 'Notes from the Underbelly' I just felt ashamed to be pregnant."
"I can see our house from here. If I turn around and look up."
"I can't believe I ate the whole baby."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 23, 2007 10:43 AM
Probably be our last baby since the tiger ripped your dick off. Pinning it to your hip isn't gonna make it work.
Posted by: CG | April 23, 2007 10:58 AM
"I want an epidural."
Posted by: Deborah | April 23, 2007 10:59 AM
Turns out a "trunk job" CAN get you pregnant.
Posted by: CG | April 23, 2007 11:00 AM
Uh, oh. This umbilical cord has gotten all tangled.
Posted by: CG | April 23, 2007 11:01 AM
It was Phil Collins.
Posted by: CG | April 23, 2007 11:02 AM
"I gotta go squeeze one out."
Posted by: Brian Tufts | April 23, 2007 11:03 AM
I don't know, Tarzan. It could be any of them.
I'd like the idea of public school but when it's my child I can't help but want the best private school money can buy. If only I knew a guy with lots and lots of money and a similar sense of obligation to the well-being of his only child.
Posted by: Charles | April 23, 2007 11:03 AM
Look at these trees. Are you sure we're in The New Yorker?
Posted by: Dashiell | April 23, 2007 11:06 AM
I'm gonna puke.
Posted by: Andrew | April 23, 2007 11:13 AM
"I can't see how it could be your baby, when you're clearly bifurcated from crotch to left shoulder."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | April 23, 2007 11:34 AM
"Wow I'm stuffed. I can't believe I ate so many monkeys!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | April 23, 2007 11:34 AM
"If you threaten me with that knife again, I'll kill myself. And our baby."
I'm one of those people who finds domestic abuse profoundly unfunny.
Posted by: Sam L. | April 23, 2007 11:41 AM
Do you think the lion or the hyena will eat the placenta?
Posted by: quig | April 23, 2007 11:49 AM
"It's a tumor. I have about three weeks to live."
Posted by: Richard | April 23, 2007 11:53 AM
"I just think if there's going to be 3 of us, we need to move to a bigger tree."
Posted by: The Mullet | April 23, 2007 12:07 PM
"Look, you're just going to have to face reality and get a real job."
Posted by: The Mullet | April 23, 2007 12:10 PM
"These vines are actually strangling the life out of these trees, much like the umbilical cord that killed our last baby during birth."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 23, 2007 12:12 PM
"I must demur. While both of the analgesic regimens used were satisfactory, research shows that intraperitoneal bupivacaine showed better analgesic outcomes."
Posted by: RichM | April 23, 2007 12:17 PM
"Someone left your tiger plugged in overnight."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 23, 2007 12:18 PM
"I told you wrapping it in leaves wouldn't work. I mean, just because they call it a 'rubber tree'..."
Posted by: The Mullet | April 23, 2007 12:20 PM
"Does this primitive ripped-up dress make me look fat? ...It does, doesn't it?"
Posted by: Vance | April 23, 2007 12:22 PM
"Oh sure, they look so harmless and placid now, but I'm telling you, Tarzan, it was tentacle rape all the way."
Posted by: Vance | April 23, 2007 12:23 PM
"There is no way in hell we're naming it KTHXBYE."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 23, 2007 12:24 PM
"Oh! I just felt it kick!"
Posted by: jmt | April 23, 2007 12:39 PM
“So, now you’re saying it wasn’t a banana, but you were still happy to see me?”
Posted by: dwilk | April 23, 2007 12:47 PM
"Yes, it was Gregory. How did you know?"
Posted by: Slide | April 23, 2007 1:06 PM
"I'm having an inexplicable craving for pickles. But I'll settle for a freshly killed tiger."
Posted by: Francis | April 23, 2007 1:11 PM
"Are we ready for this? Is it wrong to bring a child into this jungle?"
Posted by: Tiberius | April 23, 2007 1:21 PM
"I'll never forget your reaction to my 'big news' -- 'Jane, you ignorant slut'"
"Actually, I had to explain to you about pregnancy. Your first reaction was, "Jane fat, Tarzan no feed Jane."
"How can you accuse me of cheating with Cheetah? How could you even think of such a thing?"
"To your credit though, you were never so uncivilized as to call me 'a rude little pig'"
Posted by: doc | April 23, 2007 1:38 PM
"NOW I know why they call me 'Jane D'oh'."
Posted by: Tim H | April 23, 2007 2:30 PM
Okay, Tarzan, with this baby on the way, you're really going to need to get out there and swing home the bacon."
Posted by: Dave | April 23, 2007 2:54 PM
"Me Jane. You Tarzan. That Big K Mart over there."
Posted by: Dave | April 23, 2007 2:56 PM
"We shall name him 'T.A. Winchler II.' Why? Umm...no reason."
Posted by: Tim H | April 23, 2007 2:59 PM
Is that a knife in your waste rag or are you just happy to see me?
Posted by: Joe | April 23, 2007 3:28 PM
"OK, now I'm sick to my stomach AND I have vertigo."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 23, 2007 3:37 PM
"Where do you think you're going with that dildo?"
Posted by: Anonymous | April 23, 2007 3:45 PM
"The view is nice, but is this the right environment to raise a child?"
Posted by: Harry | April 23, 2007 3:46 PM
"I'm sorry, but you just don't have the body for not wearing shirts."
Posted by: Harry | April 23, 2007 3:48 PM
"I'm just worried about global warming."
Posted by: Harry | April 23, 2007 3:50 PM
"I can't say I'm that displeased that dingoes are eating the first twin. I mean, we can barely take care of ourselves."
Posted by: danny | April 23, 2007 3:56 PM
"I can't say I'm displeased that dingoes are eating the first twin. I mean, we can barely take care of ourselves."
Posted by: danny | April 23, 2007 3:58 PM
"I hope you're happy! Now that you've gotten what you wanted, will you stop carrying my vibrator around and return it to my nightstand?"
"I was thinking today...Let's call it 'Boy' if it's a boy, and drown it if it's a girl."
"Could you turn your head? I'm about to take a huge dump. I want to time it just right so it lands on Jimmie Walker and Ann Coulter."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 23, 2007 4:01 PM
"Oops. Me and my incompetent cervix."
"Oops. Should have done my kegels."
Posted by: danny | April 23, 2007 4:16 PM
"So, what kind of name is Weissmuller anyways?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 23, 2007 4:31 PM
"I think I'm pregnant."
"Jungle love-- it's driving me mad. It's making me crazy."
"Daddy, why is that boy monkey trying to climb on top of that girl monkey?"
Posted by: Rubrick | April 23, 2007 5:29 PM
the partial-birth abortion caption totally has to win.
Posted by: slutwench | April 23, 2007 7:39 PM
Stick to foreign policy, slutwench. Forced topicality is only one element of bad caption writing, and not the most important.
Posted by: radosh | April 23, 2007 8:17 PM
Just a minute, I need to squeeze one out over this tree branch.
Posted by: Nick A | April 23, 2007 8:35 PM
"First come love, then come marriage, now Tarzan say he no push baby carriage."
Posted by: al in la | April 23, 2007 9:04 PM
Yeah, that Gopnik story is still rambling on over there... it must be 50,000 words! This goddamn baby will be here before anybody finishes reading that crap.
Posted by: Anil Dash | April 23, 2007 9:04 PM
"I thought I could have sex with an ape-man without compromising my study of ape social systems. Now I'm not so sure."
Posted by: Francis | April 23, 2007 9:29 PM
Here comes our midwife. I wish she'd lose the tusks.
You tell Madonna and Angelina they'll have to wrestle a crocodile to see who gets it.
Of course I used a roofie on you. You're so gay.
Posted by: Amy | April 23, 2007 9:34 PM
Listen, I know this, like, violates your code, or whatever? But, you need to get a job.
Posted by: Ogdred | April 23, 2007 9:56 PM
Sorry, I haven't seen Cheetah. He was right here. How odd.
Posted by: Robert van der Great | April 23, 2007 10:35 PM
"Jeez, I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. I can't believe I was so stupid as to try to find out what it would feel like to swallow a bowling ball."
Posted by: Vance | April 23, 2007 11:14 PM
Nine months later and you still can't say anything but, "me Tarzan". For the baby's sake, I sure hope it's not genetic.
Posted by: Shawn | April 23, 2007 11:32 PM
I'd sacrifice my first born for a god damned latte and a cigarette right now.
Posted by: Shawn | April 23, 2007 11:37 PM
"Tarzan, you good with knife- trim trees, cut hair, hem clothes. Can't wait 'til you be moyel at bris."
Posted by: LV | April 24, 2007 12:00 AM
"You think we're doing the right thing? Sometimes I wonder how anyone can even bring a child into a world overrun by zombies who can't climb trees."
Posted by: David John | April 24, 2007 5:24 AM
"And, how long have you felt this way about the trunk?"
Posted by: dwilk | April 24, 2007 7:11 AM
"Tarz, you know a good OB-GYN in our Tree-P-O?"
"This last Survivor challenge is going on way too long."
Posted by: LV | April 24, 2007 8:11 AM
"Fuck, I dropped my Nintendo DX. The rest of this environmental protest is going to be so boring! (Because activism is tedious.)"
Posted by: Francis | April 24, 2007 9:29 AM
Whoops. Nintendo DS, rather.
Posted by: Francis | April 24, 2007 9:30 AM
You mean Nintendo doesn't have a partial-birth abortion game?
Posted by: radosh | April 24, 2007 9:32 AM
"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually getting sick and tired of being deflowered over and over again."
Posted by: Vance | April 24, 2007 10:11 AM
I shit you negative, Tarzan, you can see it from here - beside that building down there - a fucking panhandling dolphin.
Posted by: junior | April 24, 2007 10:25 AM
"Are you done peeing yet?"
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 24, 2007 10:49 AM
"I do believe it's my body, my choice, but I just can't choose abortion.
Allow me to explain."
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 24, 2007 10:55 AM
"Here comes the Regional Director; I think this may be the end of my Peace Corps service."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 24, 2007 10:56 AM
"Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think? I've got a monkey in the oven and you've been here all this tiiimmmmeeee..."
Posted by: Michael in LA | April 24, 2007 12:10 PM
"I want a better future for him, a better life. A life...'down there,' among the 'carbon neutral.'"
Posted by: Michael in LA | April 24, 2007 12:15 PM
"WOULD YOU GIVE US A FUCKING MOMENT'S PEACE?!?..I swear these Discovery Channel assholes are worse than paparazzi."
Posted by: al in la | April 24, 2007 12:35 PM
"Some would say you should have withdrawn ages ago. Others might say you should never have gone in there in the first place. The fact remains: I'm totally fucked now, and as best I can see, we don't have a viable exit strategy."
(OK, fine, it won't win this contest, but it's gonna totally kill over at Frank Rich's anti-caption contest.)
Posted by: Tim C. | April 24, 2007 12:53 PM
I knew I shouldn't have eaten BOTH of those eco-tourists.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 24, 2007 1:58 PM
No, here's what worries me: since we're not married, I'm afraid that Kyle Sampson will use our supposedly lax morality as an excuse to oust me from my job as a US Attorney.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 24, 2007 2:00 PM
It all started innocently enough, when I touched Karl's arm at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 24, 2007 2:01 PM
"I'm worried about Sanjaya. And partial-birth abortion."
Posted by: J | April 24, 2007 2:32 PM
"This seems awful dangerous, Scott. Why don't we just climb down from here and go for a boat ride?"
"Sure, Laci. Let's go for a boat ride instead."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 24, 2007 2:38 PM
"I don't care how highly recommended Mr. Po came. The feng shui just feels... off, to me. Like my Qi is facing the wrong direction. Or something."
Posted by: J | April 24, 2007 2:42 PM
"If only we could use the sticky sap of this rubber tree to fashion a contraceptive device."
Posted by: LR | April 24, 2007 2:59 PM
It's hard out here for a chimp.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 24, 2007 3:14 PM
Since we're not married, I'm going to call him Weissmulli, you crazy bastard!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 24, 2007 3:15 PM
"I think I'll name him Gregory. I don't know why, but Gregory just keeps floating through my mind. Gregory, Gregory, Gregory. Funny, huh?"
Posted by: Jim M | April 24, 2007 5:50 PM
"Sorry, Cheetah! Try not stand under Jane when she sick."
Posted by: Frank Monaco | April 24, 2007 7:27 PM
"Goddamn Joe Francis."
Posted by: J | April 24, 2007 8:37 PM
I don't know why Maureen O'Sullivan doesn't want me as a stunt double anymore.
Get me some quinine, macadamia nuts on the side-and don't be stingy, baby.
Hope Sting and Trudie can save the rainforest before my water breaks.
Posted by: Diann | April 24, 2007 11:25 PM
It's OK, I guess. But I still like the first apartment we looked at better. I mean, I'd hate for our baby to fall to his death.
Posted by: Span | April 25, 2007 12:43 AM
"It's a jungle out there."
Posted by: Richard | April 25, 2007 1:20 AM
"Well I'm going to have another beer. You good?"
Posted by: al in la | April 25, 2007 4:12 AM
"No, not the baby. There's something moving in my hair."
Posted by: dwilk | April 25, 2007 7:05 AM
Just as I was sitting down on this tree branch, it suddenly dawned on me... there's no actual point to this, is there?
Posted by: Walt | April 25, 2007 7:39 AM
"This tree is made of cracked glass, and I am made of sunbeams. The baby is made of butternut squash, and someone's hazy dreams. Your knife is made of penis, and you are made of sand. This is not quite what I expected, when I began to read Ayn Rand."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 25, 2007 9:20 AM
"God, I'm fat."
Posted by: Brian Tufts | April 25, 2007 10:26 AM
"I know, Tarzan, I shouldn't have called myself "slutwench," and I probably shouldn't have given the thumbs up to Jim M's abortion caption, but Radosh's bitch slap on Monday was really out of line and has got me feeling totally suicidal."
Posted by: Jim M | April 25, 2007 10:29 AM
I know we wanted to give the baby's room a jungle theme, but this is re-god-damn-diculous.
Posted by: MoBuck | April 25, 2007 11:38 AM
you know i hate it when your chest frowns like that.
Posted by: the chief in boston | April 25, 2007 12:25 PM
I'm pretty hungry now, T. I don't think I can wait for the amniotic sac.
Posted by: Amy | April 25, 2007 12:39 PM
"Do you ever get that 'not-so-pregnant' feeling? What am I talking about? Of course you don't. God you're stupid. I'm sorry. I love you. I couldn't do this without you. Obviously. Jesus."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 25, 2007 12:43 PM
Hey -- these vines aren't even real! They're made of vine-yl.
Posted by: Dave | April 25, 2007 1:10 PM
"Hey! Get out of our jungle, Jim!"
Posted by: Dave | April 25, 2007 1:12 PM
"Hey Tarz! Lookit that! We're up so high all the people down there look like ants! Oh, wait a minute... they ARE ants. But if those ARE ants, what did they do with all the people?"
Posted by: Dave | April 25, 2007 1:15 PM
Let's just say, hypothetically of course, that it turns out to be some sort of squirrel-human hybrid...
Posted by: Tom | April 25, 2007 3:08 PM
"O.K. I know this is Vine Street. But, where the hell is Hollywood Boulevard?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 25, 2007 3:57 PM
"The flowers here are obscene."
Posted by: Eric | April 25, 2007 4:05 PM
I know darling. But... But... It's just that it's hard out there for a pimp.
------
I just don't want our baby to have a penis on the side of his leg like you. There, I said it.
-------
This tree feels old. I bet it's like, over 50 years old.
Posted by: chris | April 25, 2007 4:14 PM
It's hard out there for a chimp.
Posted by: chris | April 25, 2007 4:16 PM
“This really isn’t the time to be practicing your stand-up routines.”
Posted by: dwilk | April 25, 2007 8:19 PM
Hey Leibovitz, could you get on with it?! Tom and I are 2 hours late for our Dianetics birthing class.
Posted by: Shawn | April 25, 2007 11:31 PM
"Depressed? Oh no, baby. I just have this strange carving for a comfortable home and a husband whose job doesn't involve frolicking with jungle animals. Probably just my hormones talking."
Posted by: al iin la | April 26, 2007 12:26 AM
"Now that we're both pregnant we need to make sure these branches can hold our weight"
Posted by: /\lex | April 26, 2007 2:54 AM
"My water broke all over that guy's head."
Posted by: Harry | April 26, 2007 3:13 PM
"Color me crazy, but isn't that guy Upton Sinclair?"
Posted by: Kathy H | April 26, 2007 5:42 PM
1. "You know what? I think this really _is_ Endor."
2. "Umm ... is this one your comically long penis? How about this one?"
3. "First the same haircut and now this."
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | April 26, 2007 6:09 PM
Jane, do you reckon it will have my anatomically incorrect nipples?
Posted by: Joe | April 26, 2007 6:42 PM
"Is a baby born of incest more or less likely to result in birth defects if the parents are identical twins?"
Posted by: firebus | April 26, 2007 7:11 PM
"I can't believe you just pooped right on the ground from here."
Posted by: Francis | April 27, 2007 12:20 AM
"I hate to go out on a limb, but what can I say? I'm barefoot. And I'm pregnant."
Posted by: David F | April 27, 2007 12:33 AM
"Oh, great, it's the mail. Now, Tarzan, remember our bet: If your 'No give big fish money' caption didn't win, you take me to the hospital, right?"
Posted by: abe | April 27, 2007 2:51 AM
I just don't know if it's right to bring a child into this world. Especially since it's likely to have a monobrow.
Posted by: Ogdred | April 27, 2007 4:37 PM
"I KNEW if I opened my mouth and talked trash to LeBron James just when he was ready to jam the ball this would happen."
Posted by: Kathy H | April 27, 2007 4:58 PM
"I hear that MIT is looking for a new director of admissions, and you may actually be qualified. Just to be on the safe side, I probably should teach you how to spell MIT."
Posted by: doc | April 27, 2007 5:00 PM
"Jane know Tarzan good with knife. Jane trust Tarzan. But Tarzan no do c-section."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 27, 2007 5:52 PM
"Hell is other primates."
Posted by: Richard | April 28, 2007 3:05 PM
"Yes, I really do like my beer. Do you think we should talk about it?"
"No, genius. It's not gas."
Posted by: Greg | April 28, 2007 4:16 PM
"If it's a girl, Radosh wants to run her picture on his web site."
Posted by: NCLee | April 28, 2007 5:05 PM
Look at all of these vines to swing from -- starting to look like goddamn Los Angeles around here. If I'm pregnant, can I use the carpool vine?
Posted by: Dex | April 29, 2007 1:44 AM
"If it's a boy, we'll call it 'boy'; the tree's already named 'Gregory'."
Posted by: abe | April 29, 2007 3:00 AM
"I hope it's a band." (nods to NC Lee, Joe Simpson)
Posted by: J | April 29, 2007 12:23 PM
"I miss Saddam."*
*Spoken in Arabic
Posted by: al in la | April 29, 2007 4:38 PM
Okay... It happened about 6 months ago when we did it "Monkey-Style".
Posted by: Johnny V | May 15, 2007 5:22 PM