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April 9, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #94

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"Dibs." —al in la

Finalists
"Fucking Americans." —TG Gibbon

"Like everyone else, he'll want to play Ben Hogan. Then we'll have to break the news that Hogan's burning in hell for fingering his niece." —nell

Honorable mention
"He died screaming in agony, pus dripping from his bedsores, unable to recognize his own wife and son, so I don't begrudge him a few perks."—Trout Almondine

"Hey, that guy just stole God's golf clubs and grill. Weird." —rjwhite

"We can fly?"—Joe

"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings, a set of Callaway golf clubs, and a Weber barbecue grill and accessories."—Rubrick

"I told you being gay was no sin, Brad. Look, they're bringing our things- the clubs go in the garage and the grill out on the porch, hon. Say, have you seen any women yet?"—LV

"Aw, man! If I'd known you get to bring stuff, I would have brought my bondage equipment and my porn tapes! And, you know...my Betamax." —Michael in LA

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"Fucking Americans."

"Ken Lay left orders for his personal assistant to be smothered after his death so he could continue to serve him in the afterlife."

"Jesus died for this?"

"Hey, that guy just stole god's golf clubs and grill. Weird."

"Ha ha. Ed's carrying a purse!"

You'd think they would have better bathrooms in heaven.

"Nice mandals. Jackass."

"The Devil needed to borrow some coals; and God's throwing out the clubs - not even He can hit a one-iron."

"Why in Hell was he looking for coals up here?"

"He clubbed a homeless dolphin to death and we're grilling it for dinner."

"Never challenge Gabriel on grilling or golf."

"Hey, I thought we were supposed to get a bunch of virgins."

"The prizes on Wheel of Fortune aren't as good up here."

"Why not Bil Keane?"

"I guess he's on his way to the Newcastle Open."

"Holy shit! Will ya look at that!"

Poor guy. They told him that he was retiring to a nice warm climate...didn't the barbeque grill make him suspicious?

He finally got a tee time at Dante's front nine.

"The bouncers around here are very strict."

"wow, david brooks got into heaven."

"I guess he makes an OK Cohn. I still think it's a weird idea for an opera."

"Thank God we're angels, right? Or that guy would be so be burning his hands. Come to think of it, thank God for everything. I really should do that more often, being in heaven and all."

"The funny thing is, it's the grill and golf clubs that actually got into heaven. He just held on when they died."

"I guess grilling is doable in Heaven but golfing is difficult because of the clouds... one could use a different colored ball, something other than white. But the ball would fall through anyway. As would the grill, come to think of it. Would he cook animals that had gone to heaven?"

"Wow, it turns out you can take it with you! Wow! I mean, wow!"

"He said he'd rather live in hell than deal with his block association."

"I hope he remembers that I like my 3-iron medium rare."

We can fly?

(TG Gibbon's "Fucking Americans" is unbeatable. I'm not even going to try.)

My vote for "Fucking Americans."

"Once a thief, always a thief, I guess."

"Oh great. Looks like Johnny Hart'll still be 'cooking up' his lame-ass golf jokes for eternity. I wish I'd gone to hell."

"I thought his wings were just a clip-on."

"The Devil in Disguise?"

"He's going to be damn disappointed when he realizes all his lawyer golf buddies went to the other place."

"Well, I will be damned if Joe didn't manage to keister his beloved clubs and grill right past St. Peter."

I think we misunderstood when he told us to bring our meat and balls.

"It's the two things he told his ex she'd never get her hands on 'even over his dead body.'".

"That's Joel. He's in Heaven right now on a trial basis only until he can show that he can keep his nose clean. The grill and clubs are to remind him just how close he is to roasting like a fat sirloin for all eternity with a red hot poker up his ass."

"Hell just opened a basement store."

Wait a minute... He's light-skinned? Not white? Definitely looting, then.

"Hey, maybe that guy knows where the place is with the 72 virgins."

"I think the scene is intended to be showing that one guy leaving. No, forget that, he's entering. Wait, I was right the first time, he's definitely getting kicked out. (I think.)"

"Just wait a little longer and we'll both be able to see up his robe."

"I was certain that heaven would involve funnier incidents. Oh, well."

"Christ, there goes another one! What is it with all the guys flying around with grills and golf clubs? Did we miss a memo?"

"It's true. Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens - similar to the game of golf. Oh, and barbecue grilling."

"He died clubbing a vicious mob of vegitarian / animal rights / clean air activists with his gold clubs, to prevent them from taking away his grill."

"It's hard to tell from the speed lines if he's getting kicked out of Heaven, or just flying to a barbecue on his own volition"

"Quick! We can sneak back in before the doors close and no one will know about our homosexual liaisons"

"Originally there were twelve plagues, but golf and flame-broiling didn't make the cut"

"OK, AUDUBON, what do you make of this??"

"How many things in this picture start with 'G'? Oh wait, are we in 'Highlights' or 'New Yorker'?

"...and she got the house and the semi-automatic."

"Damn, that's my friendly but meddlesome neighbor who was in the car with me when I crashed. I was really hoping he went to Hell."

What is this? Heaven for the hopelessly middle class? This neighborhood is really going to hell...

"Betcha five bucks he drops something."

"Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings, a set of Callaway golf clubs, and a Weber barbecue grill and accessories."

It's OK to take golf clubs or a barbecue but God will be really pissed about that unauthorized CD on top of his head.

My golf clubs and your BBQ! Oh no wait, that's your golf clubs too.

If it weren't for that sweeeet PING JAS Ally putter in that bag, this Victoria's Secret Fashion Show would suck in every possible way.

"Carrying around golf clubs and a grill make him manly enough to get around the no-homos rule."

"They have the most big-ass, ornate metal detector ever, and it still doesn't work."

"I'm surprised he got up here with all those knock-offs. The clubs say 'Pang', and did you ever see a real Weber grill with one wheel?"

"It's a strict 'no cover' policy- no grill covers, no headcovers and definitely no toupees."

"I told you being gay was no sin, Brad. Look, they're bringing our things- the clubs go in the garage and the grill out on the porch, hon. Say, have you seen any women yet?"

"It's that goddamn Wal-Mart next door."

"Here comes Imus after taking a wrong turn on his way to the ranch for two weeks and ending up in the South Bronx- I guess the hair really was a piece, and God really is an old white guy"

There goes any hope for a three way.

"I'm just saying that sometimes it seems that maybe this could be, maybe, a kind of Hell, you know, sort of a small one, for people who don't really, you know, totally enjoy paperwork--Jesus! What's that maniac doing? Hey, Jesus, what're you doing?"

"I really hate it when Mike Lookinland is on laundry duty. He got our costumes clean in time for the ball but he flooded the garage again. Also, he can fly."

"Are You Smarter Than a Dead 5th Grader?" sure has some nice consolation prizes.

I have arrived with my grill and golf clubs! Golf and barbecue, anyone?

Wait 'til he finds out that there is no beer here.

OK, is he coming in or getting thrown out? Hell, I'm here--either in or out--and even I don't know.

"He's on his way to Limbo - it's the suburbs of Heaven."

"Doesn't he know that when you carry a Weber around like that the legs fall off? Because it's not like they're bolted on or anything; they just slide into those slots on the bottom of the grill."

"And then I says unto to Abraham, I says, what doest thou mean an angel appeared unto thee and said the kill-thy-only-son deal was off? I'll say unto thee when the kill-thy-only-son deal is off, and I say it's on. This time shall I send unto thee a real angel and this time shalt thou club thy only son with a 3-iron and then roast him as an offering unto Me. And also unto My friend Nigel here, who is visiting this week."

Every time Larry the Cable guy tells a joke an angel gets his Grill

Well at least he doesn't have a full head of hair

Whew that makes Three Penis Nosers now.

When is he going to barbecue it is always cloudy up here?

"Thank God it's not another one of those nappy headed homos!"

[Tom - send that "beer" caption to the New Yorker contest pronto.]

"That's Christ. What an asshole."

"Must be spring."

"Wow, that's the fourth stereotypical white guy that's come up today. The stereotypical minorities must be causing trouble down there again."

"Wait until he finds out this is really hell -- there's no propane and they aerate the greens every day."

"I guess you CAN take it with you. Don't know why he'd want to take those items in particular, considering he died of colon cancer aggravated by complete lack of exercise. Then again, I brought my spice rack and Star Wars action figures, so who am I to talk?"

"Is that guy getting in or out? Because that's either good news or bad news for US, if you see what I'm saying."

"He died screaming in agony, pus dripping from his bedsores, unable to recognize his own wife and son, so I don't begrudge him a few perks."

"He's been ejected, damned to an eternity in Hell for covetousness. Tsk, tsk--inchoate sinners just piss me off."

Looks like the boys over at Stargate SG1 are drinking again.

Where the hell did he did he get the charcoal?

You'd think with this being heaven and all, there'd be a cure for male-pattern baldness.

"If you say 'Heavens to Betsy' one more time, Ignatius, I'm going to hide strap your ass to a rail and send it up the river 'till the cows come home!"

"If you can get all that kind of crap up here, why not a decent pair of slacks?"

"Hey, Ed, you've been looking in the garage for hours. Face it, some stole our fucking harps!"

"I guess Norman finally realized this is only Jew heaven."

"Hey, Ed, you've been looking in the garage for hours. Face it, someone stole our fucking harps!"

"Like everyone else, he'll want to play Ben Hogan. Then we'll have to break the news that Hogan's burning in hell for fingering his niece."

"It sounded like bullshit at the time, but apparently that infomercial really does guarantee products for 'more-than-a-lifetime.'"

"I heard he ran back in to get the grill. Stupid bastard. What did he think started the fire in the first place?"

"I was hoping that heaven might be, you know, more transcendent. - Gahan Wilson

"Pity; dropped dead at his retirement party."

"He must be coming in - I mean what would we be doing hanging around outside? Also, how common would it be for people to LEAVE heaven; and would you really think the gates would swing both ways, like a saloon door? And the post at the end of the wall down there would seem to imply that this is the infinite side; and the wall encloses all Earthly things on the other side."

Oops: 4/12/07 10:39a is mine.

"Aw, man! If I'd known you get to bring stuff, I would have brought my bondage equipment and my porn tapes! And, you know...my BetaMax."

"I wish there were fewer white guys here, and more nappy-headed hos."

"I liked the old cookoo clock better."

"Did you, Frank? Did you?"

"I guess now you CAN take it with you, which means old Hank is also bringing a killer case of the clap."

"It's nice to see we might finally be getting some meat after spending a near eternity waist-deep in mashed potatoes."

I've never been one to gossip but he must be blowing someone with a bit of authority around here.

The tiny wings make his butt look huge.

I think he's bringing the grill back to a Marmaduke comic and the golf clubs are for that one with the tanks on the golf course. Remember that? Gosh ... I want to kill myself right now if I'm stuck like this for eternity. I guess it won't do any good now, though.

No, he just prefers to winter in Hell.

It happens to all of us. I showed up with a George Foreman Grill and lawn darts.

"Dibs."

"The crematorium has broken down again."

"Forget about that guy--here comes Vonnegut!"

"Only a week ago he was smiling and laughing at a board meeting."

"Just call him 'angel of the suburbs.'"

"That's funny. I thought John Lackey was pitching tonight."

"Give him some credit. His dorky lawyer was able to wrangle a few petty privileges from the Reaper and his people."

"I'm not sure I want to be part of a club that that guy can get into."

"Boy, the standards here have really gone to...you know...pot."

?What's really weird is that I'm sure he coveted his neighbor's ass."

Get a load of this barbecuin', 3 puttin'
moron!

The rare ability to "take it with you", is often terribly misused.

"That's strange. We usually don't get many republicans here."

They opened the gates and influenza.

Finally... someone who DIDN'T bring potato salad!

"You been over to ZEUS's ? With those 'winged heels' HE provides, legs are no where near the same drag. ........Not that I'm complaining, you understand."

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