The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #93
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.
Winner
"Before we get started with the origami, I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you felt the first time you realized you were doomed to an eternity of board meetings that started with origami lessons." Shawn
Finalists
"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I'm the death of civility in public discourse you assholes." Trout Almondine
"Gentlemen, we have a PR problem. The public is under the impression that this company is run by faceless suits. Somehow we have to get the message out that the Faceless division and the Suit division, while realizing certain synergies, each enjoy considerable autonomy when it comes to decision-making." Rubrick
(Very) Honorable mention
"OK, then: if you'll go ahead and pass your tests over to me, I should have the results of your Myers-Briggs' by the time you take lunch." Michael in LA
"Let's start the meeting with a prayer." G Boozer
"Nobody believed us when we said that six extras from the videogame 'Gauntlet' and the main character in many a 'Far Side' cartoon could successfully run a company. Well, they were wrong! Until now. We're out of money."mypalmike
"I'm filling in for Pestilence. My name is Drew Carey." Arthur
"I was just thinking,'Hey! Greengrocers. Has anyone ever tried to exterminate them?' That or Estonians." TG Gibbon
"Before I start, I just want to say how excited I am to be here meeting with the Society of Anthropomorphic Windsocks." Ben
"Any ideas for pet food recipes?" LV
"These five photos represent the five girls that will continue with the chance of becoming America's Next Top Girl Dressed Like Death Sitting At A Conference Table." Adam
"Hi I'm Jim Reaper. I'm going to guess that I wasn't supposed to get that e-mail." Dex
"Ha, funny April Fool's joke Ned! Now get that creepy, smiling fucking corpse out of here." Eric
"OK! The first meeting of the 'Cheney for President' exploratory committee will come to order!" stcoleridge
"I hate to cut this short but I've got an appointment in Samarra." gray Nixon
"The secret to a great scrapbooking project is organization. And human skin." Kevin Guilfoile
"So, that's one Big Mac combo and six Happy Meals." JohnnyB
"OK, 'Gregorian Chance' is a great name, but we're simply not going to sign another death metal band." Jim M
"I'm guessing no one here minds if I smoke." al in la
"Next Year in Jerusalem!" RichM
Comments
"This is so exciting. My first Cabinet meeting!"
Posted by: Francis | April 2, 2007 9:34 AM
One thing's for certain: I'm never going back to THAT dry cleaner's again.
Posted by: John | April 2, 2007 9:47 AM
"Of course, no one can truly replace a Santini Brother."
Posted by: Tim H | April 2, 2007 10:13 AM
"And I'm Ernie! Ernie Wolchak! From Human Resources!"
Posted by: J | April 2, 2007 10:16 AM
Obviously, then, I'm taxes.
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 2, 2007 10:20 AM
"If you hadn't spent all your money on matching hoodies, maybe you'd have enough for more than one sheet of paper."
Posted by: Patrick Broderick | April 2, 2007 10:23 AM
"So I guess we don't do Casual Fridays here. Sorry, my bad."
Posted by: Deborah | April 2, 2007 10:27 AM
"Ha ha! Good one, guys. Um, guys?"
Posted by: Deborah | April 2, 2007 10:34 AM
"Man, it smells like death warmed over in here! Mind if we turn on the A/C?"
Posted by: Francis | April 2, 2007 10:53 AM
"When you started putting parrots on your shoulders I said nothing. But now it's progressed to this: You've all turned into giant gray parrots with misplaced, back-of-head turkey wattles! Yes you have! Don't look over there - look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!"
Posted by: Vance | April 2, 2007 10:53 AM
"Move to adjourn?"
"So, I haven't seen you guys since Christmas Eve. What have you all been up to?"
". . . and that, gentlemen, is why I would be the perfect choice for Seventh Horseman of the Apocalypse."
Posted by: gary | April 2, 2007 11:00 AM
"... Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance is quite economical on a per-employee basis, and is becoming a competitive addition to corporate benefit packages around the country. ..."
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | April 2, 2007 11:02 AM
"These five photos represent the five girls that will continue with the chance of becoming America's Next Top Girl Dressed Like Death Sitting At A Conference Table."
Posted by: Adam | April 2, 2007 11:07 AM
So... um... Anybody got a chessboard?
Posted by: Michael | April 2, 2007 11:26 AM
"The Bill Belichick fan club will come to order."
Posted by: dwilk | April 2, 2007 11:36 AM
"I was just thinking,'Hey! Greengrocers. Has anyone ever tried to exterminate them?' That or Estonians."
"Six, eh? Well, then I guess Bush, Cheney, Rove, Mugabe, Kim, and, hm, the Mets count as one right?"
"If anyone needs to get in touch with me I'll be in the critical care ward at St. Sinai's."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 2, 2007 11:48 AM
Was I brought here because I posted "the hours here are [blank]" in a subsequent anti-caption contest?
Posted by: Joe | April 2, 2007 11:48 AM
You didn't get the memo Mr. President? It's dress up like public opinion day.
Posted by: Joe | April 2, 2007 12:02 PM
"Well, deaths, you've been a long time coming-- especially since my mouth cuts through more than half my head."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | April 2, 2007 12:57 PM
"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I'm the death of civility in public discourse--you assholes."
"And I'm happy to report that the summer uniforms will include breezy shorts."
"And that's what I did on my summer vacation."
Posted by: Trout Almondine | April 2, 2007 1:02 PM
"New business? Sure. I move that we purchase a proper conference table whose legs actually meet the floor." {See original, non-radosh, drawing for full effect.)
Posted by: Tim H | April 2, 2007 1:08 PM
Huh? I didn't do anything to the drawing. If it's getting cut off on the side, try expanding your browswer window I guess.
Does this happen every week and I'm only just finding out about it?
Posted by: radosh | April 2, 2007 1:12 PM
I like all your caption ideas. Really
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 2, 2007 1:19 PM
Two more anti-caption suggestions:
"Huh? I didn't do anything to the drawing. If it's getting cut off on the side, try expanding your browswer window I guess."
"Does this happen every week and I'm only just finding out about it?"
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 2, 2007 1:22 PM
But I didn't eat the salmon mousse!
Posted by: John I | April 2, 2007 1:22 PM
... and so by incorporating in Dubai, you'll save billions in US taxes!
Posted by: j | April 2, 2007 1:26 PM
"Sorry guys. I had burritos for lunch."
Posted by: RichM | April 2, 2007 1:37 PM
Here's the deal, you give us our back our sailors and we'll give you your 'precious' ring.
Posted by: Joe | April 2, 2007 1:50 PM
Come on guys, help me break my own rules for picking out the worst caption.
Posted by: Jake D | April 2, 2007 2:39 PM
I have more papers than you.
Posted by: Mike Mariano | April 2, 2007 2:52 PM
"No no. I AM a team player!"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | April 2, 2007 2:54 PM
"Hi. Thanks for inviting me. I'm George Burman from Scythes-A-Million. Have I got a deal for you..."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | April 2, 2007 2:59 PM
"Hi. Thanks for inviting me. I'm George Burman from Scythes-A-Million. Have I got a deal for you..."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | April 2, 2007 3:04 PM
No, no, Corporate is very pleased with your performance. The mortality rate is once again 100%. But there has been some conversation about how there might be some unnecessary redundancies in this department.
Posted by: 99 | April 2, 2007 3:06 PM
"Hey, guys, awesome cloaks!"
Posted by: John Tabin | April 2, 2007 3:10 PM
"Look guys. The straight up truth is this. I just couldn't take one more idiot mistaking me for Obi Wahn Kenobi so I switched up my duds. Nothing says certain death like a faux Armani."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | April 2, 2007 3:18 PM
"Okay, c'mon, I just gotta know. Do you guys wear undies under those things?"
Posted by: Brad Bannister | April 2, 2007 3:19 PM
I'm ready to perform my mission among the muggles, fellow Death Eaters.
Posted by: John Tabin | April 2, 2007 3:31 PM
Boardz n the Hood
Posted by: mypalmike | April 2, 2007 3:42 PM
"As they say, you reap what you sow. Oh, not much into sowing, huh?"
Posted by: mypalmike | April 2, 2007 3:56 PM
"Nobody believed us when we said that six extras from the videogame 'Gauntlet' and the main character in many a 'Far Side' cartoon could successfully run a company. Well, they were wrong! Until now. We're out of money."
Posted by: mypalmike | April 2, 2007 4:04 PM
"So, did any of you try the melamine flavor samples I passed out last week?"
Posted by: dwilk | April 2, 2007 4:05 PM
"OK, guys, let's get cracking. We've only got four days until Good Friday and as head of the Decorating Committee, I must say we've fallen WAY behind. Ideas?"
Posted by: Tim H | April 2, 2007 5:03 PM
April Fool! HA! If you could all see your faces.......
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 2, 2007 5:31 PM
"Now as I was saying, gentlemen, I have no need for a protocol droid. What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | April 2, 2007 6:29 PM
I'm filling in for Pestilence. My name is Drew Carey.
Posted by: Arthur | April 2, 2007 6:44 PM
"I think we're in good position to hatch a diabolical plot, seeing as this cartoon drawing has an excessive amount of hatching already!"
"Gentlemen, we have a PR problem. The public is under the impression that this company is run by faceless suits. Somehow we have to get the message out that the Faceless division and the Suit division, while realizing certain synergies, each enjoy considerable autonomy when it comes to decision-making."
"Jesus Christ, Higgins, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Where'd you get your MBA? Loyola?"
Posted by: Rubrick | April 2, 2007 7:03 PM
Name: Phillip Goldberg
Position Applied For: Reaper
Previous experience: CPA
Cause of death: Biting the Curb
Posted by: Perfection | April 2, 2007 7:08 PM
"I came because I simply don't understand why 'Get a job, loser!' is even remotely funny. You guys seem to share Dan's comic instincts, what gives?"
Posted by: al in honorable fucking mention | April 2, 2007 7:45 PM
No, honestly I love meetings. Guess there was some kind of mix up in purgatory.
Posted by: Ben Steele | April 2, 2007 7:49 PM
Before I start, I just want to say how excited I am to be here meeting with the Society of Anthropomorphic Windsocks.
Posted by: Ben | April 2, 2007 7:57 PM
"My request, on behalf of Fox Broadcasting, is for you gentlemen to focus your efforts on Sanjaya."
"All in favor say 'Die'."
"Any ideas for pet food recipes?"
Posted by: LV | April 2, 2007 8:26 PM
Ha ha ha! Glad to hear you guys have a sense of humor. You wouldn't believe the bunch of robots I used to work for.
Posted by: Walt | April 2, 2007 9:11 PM
I finally realized I was living a lie and I figured what's the difference between "Dark Messenger of Death" and "Corporate Lawyer" anyway? Besides, my scythe was a clip on...
Posted by: junior | April 2, 2007 9:13 PM
An interrupting scythe who?
Posted by: Walt | April 2, 2007 9:15 PM
"i'm happy to report that we're projecting 40,000 men and women by The Last Night of Sadness with another 40,000 coming every day after that."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | April 2, 2007 9:22 PM
"I forgot it's dressdead Friday."
Posted by: dwilk | April 3, 2007 7:51 AM
"Boy, on a day like today it's just great to be alive, ain't it? Huh? Ain't it?"
"Well, would you look at that - here I am with a job! If that don't just beat al."
Posted by: Vance | April 3, 2007 10:56 AM
I'm pretty sure I got the job on merit and I'm uncomfortable with the way you are looking at me because I can't help but think that you suspect I'm here because of the diversity program.
Posted by: Charles | April 3, 2007 11:26 AM
Start talking. I want to take a lot of notes.
Posted by: Charles | April 3, 2007 11:26 AM
Okay so let's review this final scene for Harry Potter 7. Lord Voldemort and his minion are sitting down about to have tea when Harry comes in, mutters something about 'this one being for Hedwig,' shoots magic at each of you and then turns the wand on himself and says 'Ron I let you have Hermione, but why Cho, whyyy?
Posted by: Joe | April 3, 2007 12:03 PM
Asfinktersezwutt.
Posted by: mypalmike | April 3, 2007 1:40 PM
You were right guys! This is totally funnier than if we all met on a shrink's couch or at a cocktail party!
Posted by: Eric | April 3, 2007 1:55 PM
"Unfortunately, gentleman, I've just discovered WalMart is going to unveil plans today to become a major player in our market."
Posted by: Eric | April 3, 2007 1:58 PM
"Ha, funny April Fool's joke Ned! Now get that creepy, smiling fucking corpse out of here."
Posted by: Eric | April 3, 2007 2:00 PM
Let's start the meeting with a prayer.
Posted by: G Boozer | April 3, 2007 2:57 PM
You all have Sickle SALE Anemia!
...Get it?
Posted by: Leila | April 3, 2007 3:06 PM
Nazgulli, you crazy bastards!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | April 3, 2007 3:07 PM
"OK, I have Lust, Gluttony, Greed, as Yeas; and Wrath, Envy, Pride as Nays; with Sloth absent and abstaining."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 3, 2007 3:28 PM
"OK! The first meeting of the 'Cheney for President' exploratory committee will come to order!"
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 3, 2007 4:16 PM
"I hate to cut this short but I've got an appointment in Samarra."
Posted by: gray nixon | April 3, 2007 4:30 PM
"It's very simple. I'll start. 'Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...'"
Posted by: Tim H | April 3, 2007 5:20 PM
"The secret to a great scrapbooking project is organization. And human skin."
Posted by: Kevin Guilfoile | April 3, 2007 5:51 PM
"I thought there'd be more of you spectral guys -- that's okay, copies are cheap nowadays, we get a deal at Kinkos; I guess it's now Fedex. Geez, I'm rambling, maybe I'm a little nervous..."
Posted by: abe | April 3, 2007 6:22 PM
"OK, then: if you'll go ahead and pass your tests over to me, I should have the results of your Myers-Briggs' by the time you take lunch."
Posted by: Michael in LA | April 3, 2007 7:32 PM
"And by harnessing the power of the Internet with Halliburton's proprietary new technology, we can bring the industry of soul-harvesting into the 21st century while leveraging the income from a new and non-polluting energy source. The best thing is you'll never have to swing a scythe again! Just sign on the dotted line..."
Posted by: znufrii | April 3, 2007 9:08 PM
"So, that's one Big Mac combo and six Happy Meals."
Posted by: JohnnyB | April 3, 2007 10:52 PM
"...you know, Sam and Dave! 'Soul Man!' What? Don't you get it?"
Posted by: Bunk | April 4, 2007 12:58 AM
Before we get started with the origami, I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you felt the first time you realized you were doomed to an eternity of board meetings that started with origami lessons.
Posted by: Shawn | April 4, 2007 1:12 AM
You guys kill me.
Don't be spooked by all the legal jargon.
I see dead people.
Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon/ You come and go
Say hi to Anna for me, will you?
Posted by: Amy | April 4, 2007 7:41 AM
"No offense, guys, but the memo-as-accessory thing really isn't working for you. You should never have listened to that last consultant who said 'Scythes doesn't matter.'"
Posted by: Vance | April 4, 2007 11:02 AM
Timmy, why don't you run out and cut down someone in the prime of life and steal his pens so we will have something to write with. And while you're out, you may as well bring back some artery-clogging donuts and coffee. Heavy on the cream.
Posted by: SK | April 4, 2007 11:30 AM
I am happy to report your assignments have been quite successful and that all of you are responsible for the death of billions of people and innocent animals. There have been minor complaints about your lack of creativity when it comes to fashion, however.
Posted by: SK | April 4, 2007 11:43 AM
I am not here to judge, merely to help you discover your true potential in the marketplace. So right off the bat, allow me to thank you for the opportunity. Now, let's get down to it, shall we? First, you really need to advertise. I think a humorous animation on certain strategically placed venues would be a primary consideration. Also, the hoods are a nice touch but you need to have an identifiable logo or spokesperson. Might I suggest Ernest Borgnine? Or perhaps Wink Martindale?
Posted by: SK | April 4, 2007 11:52 AM
I have a theory about the recent failures of your scythes to properly reap souls. Ultimately, I believe, the scythes need to be sharpened daily upon the clavicle of a recently deceased peccary.
Let me explain.
Posted by: mypalmike | April 4, 2007 1:28 PM
"Then we are agreed. The traffic in drugs will be permitted, but controlled--and Don Corleone will give up protection in the East--and there will be the peace..."
Posted by: al in la | April 4, 2007 1:33 PM
No, I didn't opt for the company health insurance. Is it that obvious? But YOU all did, cause YOU'RE DEAD! HAH!
Posted by: CG | April 4, 2007 1:34 PM
I don't know whose foot that is, but move it a liiiitle to the left!
Posted by: CG | April 4, 2007 1:35 PM
Did you nerds HAVE to dress up like dementors on the same day this last Harry Potter book came out?
Posted by: CG | April 4, 2007 1:39 PM
That memo was serious? Ha ha! Jokes on me, then!
Posted by: Charles | April 4, 2007 2:54 PM
“Geez, if I’d known it was Halloween I would have – would have -- oh, shit.”
Posted by: Dave | April 4, 2007 4:23 PM
"My research shows that 1 out of 7 men prefer J. Press."
Posted by: Tim H | April 4, 2007 4:40 PM
"OK, 'Gregorian Chance' is a great name, but we're simply not going to sign another death metal band."
Posted by: Jim M | April 4, 2007 5:15 PM
I have a theory about how the Bush administration may be engaging in illegal contracting with you boys. Some of these practices are just now coming to light.
Let me explain.
Posted by: SK | April 4, 2007 5:24 PM
"I'm guessing no one here minds if I smoke."
Posted by: al in l a | April 4, 2007 6:00 PM
I was certain that I had reviewed the prior submissions when I posted the last entry. However, it seems that "mypalmike" had already exploited what I thought was quite an original angle. Apologies to "mypal."
Let me 'splain, Ricky.
Posted by: SK | April 4, 2007 8:53 PM
“OK, we’ll explore the Christmas futures market.”
Posted by: dwilk | April 4, 2007 10:00 PM
"If I may say so, you're lucky I'm here. You guys are totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle."
Posted by: Vance | April 5, 2007 12:27 AM
"To comply with EEOC guidelines and assuage pleas for reparations from the Arab League, we're implementing an Anti-Passover this year: every first-born Jewish male (and Kosher cattle) will go down. Fire up the Mothership!"
Posted by: LV | April 5, 2007 9:12 AM
"Let me say I am honored to sit here among the august members of the half-man, half-one-eyed-vulture club.... say, why are you all looking at the window? Is that a late arrival? I guess I've taken his seat. That's okay. I can leave."
Posted by: danny | April 5, 2007 10:42 AM
i just saw vance's backwards idea... i thought i was being original...rats.
Posted by: danny | April 5, 2007 10:48 AM
"The last thing I remember was saying, 'You asshole, I'll bet that thing's not even loaded.' So where am I anyway?"
Posted by: al in la | April 5, 2007 12:45 PM
"Thanks for inviting me to be the moderator here at the DUP/Sinn Fein talks."
"If it's gonna be that kinda party I'ma stick my dick in the sack of a thousand screams."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | April 5, 2007 2:03 PM
"Next Year in Jerusalem!"
Posted by: RichM | April 5, 2007 3:59 PM
I've outlined here the main points from your required text, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
Posted by: Leila | April 5, 2007 11:37 PM
"I left my cloak at home to show off my awesome buzz-cut."
Posted by: John Tabin | April 6, 2007 2:01 AM
"Why all the dark faces?"
Posted by: dwilk | April 6, 2007 7:05 AM
It's me, Robert Vaughn. You guys look magnificent!
Posted by: Jake D | April 6, 2007 7:37 AM
"Boy, am I underdressed! Who knew?"
Posted by: Michael | April 6, 2007 12:21 PM
"Those cloaks are very becoming. Of course if I was on you I'd becoming too."
So I guess I can't use the "My grandmother died" excuse here?
"I would kill for a cappuccino right now. Just kidding. But seriously. I would fucking kill."
"Alright, well I think it is a solid deal all around. I'd shake your hand, but I DON'T WANT TO DIE."
I heard they opened up a TCBY down the street.
Posted by: mobuck | April 6, 2007 5:00 PM
"Who wants an Orange Whip?"
Posted by: Shawn | April 6, 2007 8:03 PM
Hi I'm Jim Reaper. I'm going to guess that I wasn't supposed to get that e-mail.
Posted by: Dex | April 6, 2007 11:47 PM
"Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim?"
Posted by: David F | April 7, 2007 12:30 AM
Your seventy-eight-virgins-in-Paradise ad campaign has been a smashing success, we're absolutely thrilled to report.
Posted by: SK | April 7, 2007 9:49 AM
"Why is this night different from all others? Oh, and this is matzoh in front of us."
"So it's settled, then: We're changing the name to Altria."
"Jeez, this is a total sausage party. Don't any of you guys know a maiden or something?"
Posted by: Tim C. | April 7, 2007 5:24 PM
Sorry I was late, the dry cleaners lost my cloak and I had to do some impromptu reaping. Poor soul. Heh, heh.
Posted by: Shawn | April 7, 2007 10:39 PM
"I'm Mr. Neidermeyer. Sorry I'm late. You may now take attendance."
Posted by: Tim C. | April 7, 2007 11:56 PM
Yeah, I couldn't make it to the paintball match. Dentist appointment. I see the rest of you all got your faces blasted out the backs of your heads, as usual.
Posted by: Walt | April 8, 2007 12:31 AM
Gentlemen, what if we have a war and nobody comes?
Posted by: Jake D | April 8, 2007 1:57 AM
"Face it gentlemen, Bush is out in two years. Cheney's not going to run. We're looking at layoffs."
Posted by: al in la | April 8, 2007 7:41 AM
"Death-O-Rama! The Deathmeister! Death man! Heh Heh."
Posted by: Kathryn | April 8, 2007 1:01 PM
Nice try Mr. Trump, but I'm afraid that here in hell we do the firing.
Posted by: Joe | April 8, 2007 1:35 PM
"I laugh in the face of death. I even laugh in the six faces of death."
"I'm thinking of getting that LASIK surgery. Any of you do that?"
"I gotta tell you, guys, it was amazing. Once I took off the robe, people stopped screaming when I approached them. Made it much easier to whack them."
Posted by: nell | April 8, 2007 11:16 PM
"Hey, I just had a great idea - let's let the readers vote on the best caption, so we don't have to waste our precious time choosing one ourselves. That way, the contest will run itself!"
Posted by: RichM | April 9, 2007 3:46 PM
Hey, how'd Dex make Honorable Mention? That's a perfectly good, really rather funny caption! I call foul!
Posted by: Rubrick | April 9, 2007 6:38 PM
Rubrick, you're right. Especially since Amy's "Don't be spooked by all the legal jargon" was rejected for the same reason. Someone in quality control is going to get canned.
Posted by: radosh | April 9, 2007 6:51 PM
"What gives? I thought there were only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."
Posted by: stcoleridge | April 12, 2007 11:14 AM
And finally there was 'Phil' Reaper... the least grim of the Reaper family.
Posted by: Johnny V | May 15, 2007 5:55 PM