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April 1, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #93

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.

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Winner
"Before we get started with the origami, I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you felt the first time you realized you were doomed to an eternity of board meetings that started with origami lessons." —Shawn

Finalists
"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I'm the death of civility in public discourse — you assholes." —Trout Almondine

"Gentlemen, we have a PR problem. The public is under the impression that this company is run by faceless suits. Somehow we have to get the message out that the Faceless division and the Suit division, while realizing certain synergies, each enjoy considerable autonomy when it comes to decision-making." —Rubrick

(Very) Honorable mention

"OK, then: if you'll go ahead and pass your tests over to me, I should have the results of your Myers-Briggs' by the time you take lunch." —Michael in LA

"Let's start the meeting with a prayer." —G Boozer

"Nobody believed us when we said that six extras from the videogame 'Gauntlet' and the main character in many a 'Far Side' cartoon could successfully run a company. Well, they were wrong! Until now. We're out of money."—mypalmike

"I'm filling in for Pestilence. My name is Drew Carey." —Arthur

"I was just thinking,'Hey! Greengrocers. Has anyone ever tried to exterminate them?' That or Estonians." —TG Gibbon

"Before I start, I just want to say how excited I am to be here meeting with the Society of Anthropomorphic Windsocks." —Ben

"Any ideas for pet food recipes?" —LV

"These five photos represent the five girls that will continue with the chance of becoming America's Next Top Girl Dressed Like Death Sitting At A Conference Table." —Adam

"Hi I'm Jim Reaper. I'm going to guess that I wasn't supposed to get that e-mail." —Dex

"Ha, funny April Fool's joke Ned! Now get that creepy, smiling fucking corpse out of here." —Eric

"OK! The first meeting of the 'Cheney for President' exploratory committee will come to order!" —stcoleridge

"I hate to cut this short but I've got an appointment in Samarra." —gray Nixon

"The secret to a great scrapbooking project is organization. And human skin." — Kevin Guilfoile

"So, that's one Big Mac combo and six Happy Meals." —JohnnyB

"OK, 'Gregorian Chance' is a great name, but we're simply not going to sign another death metal band." —Jim M

"I'm guessing no one here minds if I smoke." —al in la

"Next Year in Jerusalem!" —RichM

Posted by Daniel Radosh

Comments

"This is so exciting. My first Cabinet meeting!"

One thing's for certain: I'm never going back to THAT dry cleaner's again.

"Of course, no one can truly replace a Santini Brother."

"And I'm Ernie! Ernie Wolchak! From Human Resources!"

Obviously, then, I'm taxes.

"If you hadn't spent all your money on matching hoodies, maybe you'd have enough for more than one sheet of paper."

"So I guess we don't do Casual Fridays here. Sorry, my bad."

"Ha ha! Good one, guys. Um, guys?"

"Man, it smells like death warmed over in here! Mind if we turn on the A/C?"

"When you started putting parrots on your shoulders I said nothing. But now it's progressed to this: You've all turned into giant gray parrots with misplaced, back-of-head turkey wattles! Yes you have! Don't look over there - look at me! LOOK AT ME!!!"

"Move to adjourn?"

"So, I haven't seen you guys since Christmas Eve. What have you all been up to?"


". . . and that, gentlemen, is why I would be the perfect choice for Seventh Horseman of the Apocalypse."

"... Accidental Death and Dismemberment Insurance is quite economical on a per-employee basis, and is becoming a competitive addition to corporate benefit packages around the country. ..."

"These five photos represent the five girls that will continue with the chance of becoming America's Next Top Girl Dressed Like Death Sitting At A Conference Table."

So... um... Anybody got a chessboard?

"The Bill Belichick fan club will come to order."

"I was just thinking,'Hey! Greengrocers. Has anyone ever tried to exterminate them?' That or Estonians."

"Six, eh? Well, then I guess Bush, Cheney, Rove, Mugabe, Kim, and, hm, the Mets count as one right?"

"If anyone needs to get in touch with me I'll be in the critical care ward at St. Sinai's."

Was I brought here because I posted "the hours here are [blank]" in a subsequent anti-caption contest?

You didn't get the memo Mr. President? It's dress up like public opinion day.

"Well, deaths, you've been a long time coming-- especially since my mouth cuts through more than half my head."

"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here. I'm the death of civility in public discourse--you assholes."

"And I'm happy to report that the summer uniforms will include breezy shorts."

"And that's what I did on my summer vacation."

"New business? Sure. I move that we purchase a proper conference table whose legs actually meet the floor." {See original, non-radosh, drawing for full effect.)

Huh? I didn't do anything to the drawing. If it's getting cut off on the side, try expanding your browswer window I guess.

Does this happen every week and I'm only just finding out about it?

I like all your caption ideas. Really

Two more anti-caption suggestions:
"Huh? I didn't do anything to the drawing. If it's getting cut off on the side, try expanding your browswer window I guess."

"Does this happen every week and I'm only just finding out about it?"

But I didn't eat the salmon mousse!

... and so by incorporating in Dubai, you'll save billions in US taxes!

"Sorry guys. I had burritos for lunch."

Here's the deal, you give us our back our sailors and we'll give you your 'precious' ring.

Come on guys, help me break my own rules for picking out the worst caption.

I have more papers than you.

"No no. I AM a team player!"

"Hi. Thanks for inviting me. I'm George Burman from Scythes-A-Million. Have I got a deal for you..."

"Hi. Thanks for inviting me. I'm George Burman from Scythes-A-Million. Have I got a deal for you..."

No, no, Corporate is very pleased with your performance. The mortality rate is once again 100%. But there has been some conversation about how there might be some unnecessary redundancies in this department.

"Hey, guys, awesome cloaks!"

"Look guys. The straight up truth is this. I just couldn't take one more idiot mistaking me for Obi Wahn Kenobi so I switched up my duds. Nothing says certain death like a faux Armani."

"Okay, c'mon, I just gotta know. Do you guys wear undies under those things?"

I'm ready to perform my mission among the muggles, fellow Death Eaters.

Boardz n the Hood

"As they say, you reap what you sow. Oh, not much into sowing, huh?"

"Nobody believed us when we said that six extras from the videogame 'Gauntlet' and the main character in many a 'Far Side' cartoon could successfully run a company. Well, they were wrong! Until now. We're out of money."

"So, did any of you try the melamine flavor samples I passed out last week?"

"OK, guys, let's get cracking. We've only got four days until Good Friday and as head of the Decorating Committee, I must say we've fallen WAY behind. Ideas?"

April Fool! HA! If you could all see your faces.......

"Now as I was saying, gentlemen, I have no need for a protocol droid. What I really need is a droid that understands the binary language of moisture vaporators."

I'm filling in for Pestilence. My name is Drew Carey.

"I think we're in good position to hatch a diabolical plot, seeing as this cartoon drawing has an excessive amount of hatching already!"

"Gentlemen, we have a PR problem. The public is under the impression that this company is run by faceless suits. Somehow we have to get the message out that the Faceless division and the Suit division, while realizing certain synergies, each enjoy considerable autonomy when it comes to decision-making."

"Jesus Christ, Higgins, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Where'd you get your MBA? Loyola?"

Name: Phillip Goldberg
Position Applied For: Reaper
Previous experience: CPA
Cause of death: Biting the Curb

"I came because I simply don't understand why 'Get a job, loser!' is even remotely funny. You guys seem to share Dan's comic instincts, what gives?"

No, honestly I love meetings. Guess there was some kind of mix up in purgatory.

Before I start, I just want to say how excited I am to be here meeting with the Society of Anthropomorphic Windsocks.

"My request, on behalf of Fox Broadcasting, is for you gentlemen to focus your efforts on Sanjaya."

"All in favor say 'Die'."

"Any ideas for pet food recipes?"

Ha ha ha! Glad to hear you guys have a sense of humor. You wouldn't believe the bunch of robots I used to work for.

I finally realized I was living a lie and I figured what's the difference between "Dark Messenger of Death" and "Corporate Lawyer" anyway? Besides, my scythe was a clip on...

An interrupting scythe who?

"i'm happy to report that we're projecting 40,000 men and women by The Last Night of Sadness with another 40,000 coming every day after that."

"I forgot it's dressdead Friday."

"Boy, on a day like today it's just great to be alive, ain't it? Huh? Ain't it?"

"Well, would you look at that - here I am with a job! If that don't just beat al."

I'm pretty sure I got the job on merit and I'm uncomfortable with the way you are looking at me because I can't help but think that you suspect I'm here because of the diversity program.

Start talking. I want to take a lot of notes.

Okay so let's review this final scene for Harry Potter 7. Lord Voldemort and his minion are sitting down about to have tea when Harry comes in, mutters something about 'this one being for Hedwig,' shoots magic at each of you and then turns the wand on himself and says 'Ron I let you have Hermione, but why Cho, whyyy?

Asfinktersezwutt.

You were right guys! This is totally funnier than if we all met on a shrink's couch or at a cocktail party!

"Unfortunately, gentleman, I've just discovered WalMart is going to unveil plans today to become a major player in our market."

"Ha, funny April Fool's joke Ned! Now get that creepy, smiling fucking corpse out of here."

Let's start the meeting with a prayer.

You all have Sickle SALE Anemia!

...Get it?

Nazgulli, you crazy bastards!

"OK, I have Lust, Gluttony, Greed, as Yeas; and Wrath, Envy, Pride as Nays; with Sloth absent and abstaining."

"OK! The first meeting of the 'Cheney for President' exploratory committee will come to order!"

"I hate to cut this short but I've got an appointment in Samarra."

"It's very simple. I'll start. 'Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...'"

"The secret to a great scrapbooking project is organization. And human skin."

"I thought there'd be more of you spectral guys -- that's okay, copies are cheap nowadays, we get a deal at Kinkos; I guess it's now Fedex. Geez, I'm rambling, maybe I'm a little nervous..."

"OK, then: if you'll go ahead and pass your tests over to me, I should have the results of your Myers-Briggs' by the time you take lunch."

"And by harnessing the power of the Internet with Halliburton's proprietary new technology, we can bring the industry of soul-harvesting into the 21st century while leveraging the income from a new and non-polluting energy source. The best thing is you'll never have to swing a scythe again! Just sign on the dotted line..."

"So, that's one Big Mac combo and six Happy Meals."

"...you know, Sam and Dave! 'Soul Man!' What? Don't you get it?"

Before we get started with the origami, I want you to close your eyes and imagine how you felt the first time you realized you were doomed to an eternity of board meetings that started with origami lessons.

You guys kill me.

Don't be spooked by all the legal jargon.

I see dead people.

Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon/ You come and go

Say hi to Anna for me, will you?

"No offense, guys, but the memo-as-accessory thing really isn't working for you. You should never have listened to that last consultant who said 'Scythes doesn't matter.'"

Timmy, why don't you run out and cut down someone in the prime of life and steal his pens so we will have something to write with. And while you're out, you may as well bring back some artery-clogging donuts and coffee. Heavy on the cream.

I am happy to report your assignments have been quite successful and that all of you are responsible for the death of billions of people and innocent animals. There have been minor complaints about your lack of creativity when it comes to fashion, however.

I am not here to judge, merely to help you discover your true potential in the marketplace. So right off the bat, allow me to thank you for the opportunity. Now, let's get down to it, shall we? First, you really need to advertise. I think a humorous animation on certain strategically placed venues would be a primary consideration. Also, the hoods are a nice touch but you need to have an identifiable logo or spokesperson. Might I suggest Ernest Borgnine? Or perhaps Wink Martindale?

I have a theory about the recent failures of your scythes to properly reap souls. Ultimately, I believe, the scythes need to be sharpened daily upon the clavicle of a recently deceased peccary.

Let me explain.

"Then we are agreed. The traffic in drugs will be permitted, but controlled--and Don Corleone will give up protection in the East--and there will be the peace..."

No, I didn't opt for the company health insurance. Is it that obvious? But YOU all did, cause YOU'RE DEAD! HAH!

I don't know whose foot that is, but move it a liiiitle to the left!

Did you nerds HAVE to dress up like dementors on the same day this last Harry Potter book came out?

That memo was serious? Ha ha! Jokes on me, then!

“Geez, if I’d known it was Halloween I would have – would have -- oh, shit.”

"My research shows that 1 out of 7 men prefer J. Press."

"OK, 'Gregorian Chance' is a great name, but we're simply not going to sign another death metal band."

I have a theory about how the Bush administration may be engaging in illegal contracting with you boys. Some of these practices are just now coming to light.

Let me explain.

"I'm guessing no one here minds if I smoke."

I was certain that I had reviewed the prior submissions when I posted the last entry. However, it seems that "mypalmike" had already exploited what I thought was quite an original angle. Apologies to "mypal."


Let me 'splain, Ricky.

“OK, we’ll explore the Christmas futures market.”

"If I may say so, you're lucky I'm here. You guys are totally disorganized. That anything gets done down here is a miracle."

"To comply with EEOC guidelines and assuage pleas for reparations from the Arab League, we're implementing an Anti-Passover this year: every first-born Jewish male (and Kosher cattle) will go down. Fire up the Mothership!"

"Let me say I am honored to sit here among the august members of the half-man, half-one-eyed-vulture club.... say, why are you all looking at the window? Is that a late arrival? I guess I've taken his seat. That's okay. I can leave."

i just saw vance's backwards idea... i thought i was being original...rats.

"The last thing I remember was saying, 'You asshole, I'll bet that thing's not even loaded.' So where am I anyway?"

"Thanks for inviting me to be the moderator here at the DUP/Sinn Fein talks."

"If it's gonna be that kinda party I'ma stick my dick in the sack of a thousand screams."

"Next Year in Jerusalem!"

I've outlined here the main points from your required text, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."

"I left my cloak at home to show off my awesome buzz-cut."

"Why all the dark faces?"

It's me, Robert Vaughn. You guys look magnificent!

"Boy, am I underdressed! Who knew?"

"Those cloaks are very becoming. Of course if I was on you I'd becoming too."

So I guess I can't use the "My grandmother died" excuse here?

"I would kill for a cappuccino right now. Just kidding. But seriously. I would fucking kill."

"Alright, well I think it is a solid deal all around. I'd shake your hand, but I DON'T WANT TO DIE."

I heard they opened up a TCBY down the street.

"Who wants an Orange Whip?"

Hi I'm Jim Reaper. I'm going to guess that I wasn't supposed to get that e-mail.

"Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim? Why so grim?"

Your seventy-eight-virgins-in-Paradise ad campaign has been a smashing success, we're absolutely thrilled to report.

"Why is this night different from all others? Oh, and this is matzoh in front of us."

"So it's settled, then: We're changing the name to Altria."

"Jeez, this is a total sausage party. Don't any of you guys know a maiden or something?"

Sorry I was late, the dry cleaners lost my cloak and I had to do some impromptu reaping. Poor soul. Heh, heh.

"I'm Mr. Neidermeyer. Sorry I'm late. You may now take attendance."

Yeah, I couldn't make it to the paintball match. Dentist appointment. I see the rest of you all got your faces blasted out the backs of your heads, as usual.

Gentlemen, what if we have a war and nobody comes?

"Face it gentlemen, Bush is out in two years. Cheney's not going to run. We're looking at layoffs."

"Death-O-Rama! The Deathmeister! Death man! Heh Heh."

Nice try Mr. Trump, but I'm afraid that here in hell we do the firing.

"I laugh in the face of death. I even laugh in the six faces of death."

"I'm thinking of getting that LASIK surgery. Any of you do that?"

"I gotta tell you, guys, it was amazing. Once I took off the robe, people stopped screaming when I approached them. Made it much easier to whack them."

"Hey, I just had a great idea - let's let the readers vote on the best caption, so we don't have to waste our precious time choosing one ourselves. That way, the contest will run itself!"

Hey, how'd Dex make Honorable Mention? That's a perfectly good, really rather funny caption! I call foul!

Rubrick, you're right. Especially since Amy's "Don't be spooked by all the legal jargon" was rejected for the same reason. Someone in quality control is going to get canned.

"What gives? I thought there were only four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

And finally there was 'Phil' Reaper... the least grim of the Reaper family.

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