March 26, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #92

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's results.


"Get a job, loser!" —Vance

"First they cancel SeaQuest and now this. [THIS JOKE TAKES PLACE IN 1996.]" —Mike Mariano

"Would you please stop complaining about your dislocated hip? I'm tired of hearing abou-- Hey! What the fuck do you think you're looking at, faggot?! (I'm not proud of it, but I would totally yell that at a dolphin.)" —Ogdred

Honorable mention
"Is that a porpoise or a dolphin? Check that 'Guide to Sea Mammals' in your back pocket." —JohnnyB

"They need a quarterback! Not more fucking money!"—dwilk

"This is exactly like Ann Coulter wrote about in Gay Marriage: If We Let Men Wed Men, the Pigeons Will Think It's OK to Fuck Dolphins, and Eventually the Streets Will Be Littered With Godless, Homeless Mutants."—t.a.m.s.y.

"I'm sorry Mr. Dolphin, but Sidney is incapable of change!" —al in la

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"You're not falling for that 'Buddy, can you spare a fin?' line again, are you?"

"Don't stick your butt out like that. You're embarassing me in front of the dolphin panhandler."

1) What the hell are you doing with sardines in your pocket?

2) You know he's just going to use it to buy chum.

3) Stop scratching your butt in public.

4) No, I do NOT see a dolphin. Take your freaking meds.

Is that a porpoise or a dolphin? Check that "Guide to Sea Mammals" in your back pocket.

"I don't care if he says he's homeless. You can't trust anything that land shark says."

"Will you please stop scratching yourself in public? That air-breathing dolphin is further evolved than you."

Sorry, JohnnyB. I just read your number 3.

That panhandler reminds me of how my finger smells after we do it.

I'm one line over the line, but:
6) James, we cannot afford to save the whales and the frigging dolphins too!

"Get a job, loser!"

"Please don't feed the animals."

"Oh, boo-hoo, poor little put-upon dolphin - why don't you try going through life with your head attached to your body backwards, pal!"

"Jesus, Shaggy, did you just do another hit right here? You promised me you were going to give that up! Come on, it's been 30 years since we were doing that Scooby-Doo shit! And don't try to hide it in your pocket. Man, next thing you'll be telling me you're seeing endangered sea mammals standing on the street corner."

"Y'know, living underwater is bad enough, but I never anticipated having to put up with all these aquatic bums."

I guess we can't eat here at Sabrcso's anymore.

"Would you stop saying 'Only in New York'?!"

We gave at Free Willy 2.

"Oh sure, let's throw dollars at some sea creatures, but come Christmas time I have to fuck the mailman and give him a buck!"

"Dude, what are you doing? It's a fucking statue."

Really? His car ran out of gas and his sick kids are in the backseat and they were on the way to the hospital? Oh Fred, you are an idiot....

I don't care if it did grab your ass. You do not get to "ass it on"!

"Maybe he's homeless now, but as soon as the icecaps melt, all of Manhattan will be submerged and he'll be sitting pretty. So put your fucking wallet back in your pocket and let's go."

"All right, have it your way. You heard a dolphin ask you for spare change."

He's standing right there holding it, Gerold. How many times do I have to tell you not to carry your sippy-cup in your back pocket? Even your chiropractor says it's bad for you there. Someday it's going to get stolen for good.

He's standing right there holding it, Gerold. As your chiropractor, how many times do I have to tell you not to carry your wallet in your back pocket?

What?! You forgot your wallet on the day you're finally taking me to Sabroso's?! Fine. Let's just eat that dolphin.

I knew this would happen if Americans kept eating dolphin-safe tuna.

"Hey, are you a chick or a dude, anyway? I'm just sayin'."

"These goddamn lazy flippers are ruining our neighborhood."

"Unless that's a giant fish tank you have in your pocket, I wouldn't bother."

"I don't care if he is a sea mammal. That was still the worst fucking version of 'How Dry I Am' I've ever heard. Don't give him a goddamn cent."

"Use that 'porpoise-ful life' gag one more time and I'm leaving you!"

"I thought we were going to save up for an operation to correct my severe flared-footedness."

"Sorry, Charlie!"
(and sorry, fellow caption-writers. . .)

"That giant penguin must really be poor; he's not wearing a tuxedo."

"There's a woman in that restaurant eating salad with a fishfork! I don't care but my aunt would have a really quiet and restrained fit. That's just the sort of people I come from. Oh, I'm so glad you're giving that ice porpoise some change. You must be very marriageable."

"You're ass, my face, his beak, all shifted 90 degrees from where they should be, but along different axes! This is a job for the Mario Brothers! Or, possibly, Q-Bert."

"God, that's great, I haven't seen anyone selling the Little Red Book in a long time. Buy me one, too, Steve, I'll get you back later."

No, Dolphin-Boy, we wouldn't like to come in for a nice, hot cup of chowder! Can't you see we're on our way to visit my husband's orthopedic surgeon?! Or did you think a fella's hip is meant to jut out like that? Does that look normal to you, Dolphin-Boy?! Yeah, like you'd know, you pathetic little CUNY dropout. Maybe if you'd stayed in school, you wouldn't have such a shitty job! Asshole.


Would you Like a Jell-O Pudding Pop?

I know it's silly but just looking at the dolphin gave me a woody.

"Look at this rich asshole dolphin. Ever since the old man kicked, he spends all day lounging around on street corners with his $11.00 latte, taunting us working stiffs."

"How much to do both of us?"

"Dolphins don't care about black people."

"Did you just see All-Star drive by? I thought the Snorks were cancelled, we were supposed to guest on Sponge Bob."

"Maybe all he waits is a urine sample."


You've totally ruined my night! I was looking forward to ordering the fish, but can I? Noooo...we had to meet your friend - the fish! I can't believe this...no I will not shut up. Just give me cab fare and I'm out of here...

"Christ, Frank, do you have to give yourself a wedgie every time we pass a goddamn dolphin panhandler?"

No, Larry. We're meeting them at the coffee place with the mermaid in the window. Now get your thumb out of your ass and help me look.

"They need a quarterback! Not more fucking money!"

"Ben, I give up!! Maybe you should take lessons from him, then at least you'd get the dolphin-style down."

1) "I understand you want to give to a good porpoise, but this is ridiculous! Ha ha, get it? Because you cheated on me with a manatee."

2) "First they cancel SeaQuest and now this. [THIS JOKE TAKES PLACE IN 1996.]"

Hold it right there - I am NOT letting you pay four dollars for a latte. We have coffee at home.

"Just because he SAYS he's a fired U.S. Attorney doesn't mean you have to believe him. Sheesh!"

"Flip 'er? You've barely even fucked 'er!"

"Hey! You wouldn't let me buy canned tuna because you're such a damn tree-hugger. Don't even THINK about giving them a PENNY of our money now!"

"Flipper the dolphin? I hardly know 'er."

Just saw t.a.m.s.y.'s entry now.

If you ever want to see Seattle, shut up about the homeless dolphin already and focus on identifying the elaborately disguised Frank Bruni.

"People don't see what they aren't expectiong to see. For example, this guy never expected to see a dolphin stealing his wallet."


"This is exactly like Ann Coulter wrote about in Gay Mariage: If We Let Men Wed Men, the Pigeons Will Think It's OK to Fuck Dolphins, and Eventually the Streets Will Be Littered With Godless, Homeless Mutants.

let me try that again, without the hideous typos:

"This is exactly like Ann Coulter wrote about in Gay Marriage: If We Let Men Wed Men, the Pigeons Will Think It's OK to Fuck Dolphins, and Eventually the Streets Will Be Littered With Godless, Homeless Mutants."

Would you please stop complaining about your dislocated hip? I'm tired of hearing abou-- Hey! What the fuck do you think you're

looking at, faggot?!

(I'm not proud of it, but I would totally yell that at a dolphin.)

You REALLY believe he's collecting for the United Negro Fund?

At least make him jump through a hoop first.

Just because my designer handbag is made from dolphin hide doesn't mean you have to donate to this pathetic piece of potential purse.

"Hey, don't give that dolphin money! We're black, and therefore obviously much too poor to spare a dime!"

"Go ahead and take his frickin' coffee before you blow him away."

"What makes you think street dolphins want your stool samples."

"I don't care if he's legally blind- he's got sonar so can get a job."

"The treatment you Iraq veterans get is apalling- I thought your VA prosthetic left arm was bad 'til I saw this guy's skin grafts from Walter Reed."

"No, Honey, the dolphin's not a panhandler. We meet here every 1st and 15th. He keeps me in clean urine for when I get piss tested at work."

"Frank, you can't just throw money at every doped-up out-of-work animal actor you come across. Last week it was Benji and that chimp from 'BJ and the Bear'. Today it's Flipper. I expect tomorrow you'll be emptying your pockets for Gentle Ben and Mr. Ed."

"And you told me this town was 'Dolphin Safe'!"

"I know he's just a big fish Joe, but I can pretty well guarantee you that he is not interested in having whatever it is you're digging out of your ass in his cup!"

"I'll say it a million times: 'We should have listened to Al Gore back in 2007!'"

You spend more trying to absolve yourself of guilt than you save from buying that cheap-ass canned tuna.

"Go ahead then Mr. Gullible...Drop all your money in the 'Magic Dolphin's' cup and make all the wishes you want. I am your butt-ugly wife today, and I'll be the same butt-ugly wife you'll wake up with tomorrow."

How about if I scream it? Would it better if I scream? "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you! I know you were right, believing for so long!" How's that?

"Oh, great, now the paparazzi will get a shot of Star Jones and her big gay husband giving money to a big gay dolphin."

"Stupid dolphin, made me step on a crack and break my mother's back."

"Of course, he'll spend it on liquor. He's a bottle-nosed dolphin."

"I understand why he wants sugar in his coffee. What I don't understand is why you have sugar in your back pocket."

"Our people finally get work in a New Yorker cartoon and it's with some jive ass dolphin panhandler? Don't you give him a dime, Horace."

"'Let's rob the aquarium,' you said. 'Nobody would suspect a couple of poorly drawn niggers,' you said. But one look at the dolphin with the fake tear in his eye and you go all soft on me, and now we've missed our fucking getaway car."

"If you're feeling so charitable, how about putting out tonight -- Mister thinks he's too good for his wife."

"There's Trouble, right here in River City. With a capital 'T', and that rhymes with 'D', and that stands for 'dolphin.'

"Whatever happened to 'The Few. The Proud. The Marine Mammals?'"

"My friends all told me, 'Ayn you just don't have anything in common with this Peter Singer fellow' and now I can see they were right."

"Sabroso" my ass, it tastes like shit to me.

"You're seriously going to give him money? Why don't I just give him a blowholejob while we're at it!"

David Blaine - Street Magician
"Nuh uh! Nuh uh! You did NOT just turn yourself into a dolphin! And you snuck Henry's wallet!? Amazing!"


"You know what they say: give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day; give a man a tea, or something...."

"I am Barbara Ehrenreich. You are James Frey. The dolphin is also famous: but he is not Flipper, but fortunately is Darwin, the dolphin from the short-lived but beloved sci-fi series "SeaQuest DSV," which allows us to make as obscure, erudite and arcane a reference as reasonably possible, should anyone be hearing this conversation."

Don't give it any money. It will be dead soon since its out of water.

"Sometimes I have nothing to add -- nothing at all -- but I leave a vaguely relevant, unfunny caption anyway so I can figure out where I stopped reading last time. Oh, look, a dolphin."

"They keep saying 'So long, and thanks for all the fish'...but then they DON'T GO."

"Don't start doing that fucking George Jefferson dance routine again!"


Today dolphins, tomorrow you'll be fucking dead deer.

My awful, crinkled face indicates that I'm a shrewish bitch who constantly harps on my husband, which may or may not be Art Garfunkel.

Go ahead - leave me and the kids for a your smooth young friend here. And DON'T patronize me by paying for a cab.

"Look. It's obviously New Yorker cartoonist Danny Shanahan dressed up in a dolphin suit. But the queer thing is that he's begging for money, when we all know that those guys make a mint drawing those inane cartoons. I'm just sayin'."

"Homeless veteran? Please. For one thing, I happen to know the Navy SEALs don't take dolphins."

"So the tables have turned, Mr. Dolphin."

"Just give him your six pack of beer. Dolphins love those things."

"I have this crazy tumor growing out of my left shoulder, and you stop to give this guy money?"

I don't care how good it feels on your swollen coccyx! Four times on the vibrating dolphin ride is enough.

"For the last time: Simply because you have a prosthetic right buttock is no reason to start a 'Heather Mills Fan Club.' Or do you want me to ask the dolphin to decide?"

"If you're serious about this threesome, you'll wait till we get home"

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

That's not a dolphin, moron! You always did lack a sense of porpoise.

"Think about your street cred, Leroy, before you be throwin' bread at some poor honky dolphin!"

Wait till you get home to do that Richard, im sorry Mr. Penguin, he has not taken his meds... and he's on crack.

Harold, isn't that your sex doll!

I'm getting sick of your Mom's begging.

Help it out Harry, it's too ugly to whore at Boot Lane.

"Unless you have a crowbar in your underoos, I suggest you zip up your man suit and ask our porpoise friend if he can fix a flat tire."

"Is that a dolphin in your pocket, or are you just glad to see m--Uh, heh heh. Awkwarrrrrrrrrd."


"I have nothing to say until Michael Shaw's cartoon is in the caption contest."

"I'm a little tea pot short and stout, give some change to my dolphin and help me out."

I'm feeding the fish, just like you do in the bedroom after I leave for work.

"Don't just sit there acting all coy and innocent! I know that you know how to turn on the charm, and act all cute and irresistable. And then you manipulate closeted married men - like my husband here - into unloading all their cash, ultimately making me feel fat and unattractive!"

"No wonder you're riddled with guilt- all you been doin' lately is floggin' the dolphin."

"Keep walking, Rutherford. It's bad enough we got all covered in soot when the second tower fell. Let's just hurry home and wash it off before anyone thinks we're black."

"You can stop looking for your damn wallet, Henry. I have it. And this is exactly why."

The hours here are dolphin.

"Are you out of your mind? Who the hell buys coffee from a dolpin?"

"That lady from the Evrolet plant said she misplaced her vibrator somewhere in downtown Etroit. Wait, there it is!"

Can one of you help me cross the street?

"Dolphin! Ready your wallet and eat hearty, for TONIGHT WE DINE AT SABROSO!!!"

"This is why we never leave a tip --you're always giving money to the United Dolphin College fund."

"Don't tell me you're out of fresh cod!"

"If you love that aquatic mammal so much, why don't you take it home, build an aquarium, contract with a food supplier, and take care of it for the rest of its life?"

"If you really want to make a difference, join the aquarium."

If you're looking for your one-eyed trouser trout to feed the dolphin, that's in your front pocket.

I'm sure he could find a job -- there's just a lot of hoops to jump through.

"I'm sorry Mr. Dolphin, but Sidney is incapable of change!"

"Franklin, don't you be given that lazy-ass fish any money! You see us splashin' around in his hood askin' for spare minnow or whatever?"

"Just remember: If you give a fish some cash and he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a fish how to take some motherfucker down, he'll eat for a lifetime."

"My guess is Flipper over there ran out of chum and started lookin' for a chump."

"You put that money away! This is obviously some fucked up April Fool's Day shit."

(Been Waiting all week to post that one.)

"Wow, there's a real fish out of water story. That couple sitting in the window of fancy-schmancy Sabroso looks totally white trash."

"You're such a fucking sucker for ANYTHING with mammary glands."

Oh Shit... a panhandling dolphin... There goes the neighborhood.

Aggh i hate butt stratchers pitied people, WTF homeless people begged for money, now dolphins will too righteous Bastards

Whats that pigeon head doing here? get the hell out of this street. Why dont you go to an aquarium where people might just pity you a little.

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