The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #84
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's winner.
Winner
"And I said 'Rectum, damn near... uh oh.'"—mobuck
Finalists
"Unless you can tell me how the ability to turn the lower half of your body into a door and the power to pour cascades of granola from my empty hands would be more effective against crime than, let's say, a trained cop with a gun, I still say we're doing more good for society by giving women greater confidence and self-esteem. Now get your scrubs on. Those 34-D's aren't going to implant themselves." —Walt
"A tip? Here's a tip: grow some fucking legs"—Dick Trimble
Honorable mention
"No, that's alright. It happens all the time. What you're looking for is the Animal Medical CENTAUR."—Tim H
"Gonna wash that man right outta my...D'oh!"—Old Hag
"What the hell's the point of washing my hands if I have to grasp this living-flesh door handle to get out of here?" —Vance
"Oh, no, I'm being haunted by this ghost because I was responsible for his death! It's the surgeon I murdered for attaching my body to this door!"—John Tabin
Cleanliness is next to Ghostliness—David
"[Out of frame] Cut! Cut! Your line is, 'Doctor Grey has requested your presence in the ER, stat.' Not, 'Doctor Grey has requested your presence in the ER, faggot.' OK, Mr. Washington? And get your legs on. Washroom scene, take 6! And.... Action!"—mypalmike
"You know how the tooth fairy comes to collect the teeth that small children put under their beds? She leaves a quarter or a half-dollar or whatever parents do these days--a double-sawbuck maybe? What if the joke behind this was that instead of a ghost, it was a fairy that came and picked up other body parts, like amputated arms, and left money for the doctor? And it's probably better that the guy isn't Chinese because then people would think this was topical, instead of a body-part fairy joke. Oh, the the glory hole jokes you could do as a follow up to this!"—Eric
"You know, most men don't try to stick their entire body through that hole."—Greg
"I have a question about my character's motivation in this scene, Mr. Shyamalan."—RichM
Comments
I knew the operation was a mistake when you walked in with TP on your shoe.
Posted by: LW | January 22, 2007 9:56 AM
"I really wish they didn't use a naked, inflatable half-man to indicate that this is the men's room."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | January 22, 2007 10:20 AM
"I don't like this cuckoo clock. It doesn't even tell time."
"Okay, I'm sterile this time. Exactly how long do you plan on haunting me? Christ, what an asshole."
Posted by: Deborah | January 22, 2007 10:23 AM
"Uh... no, it was Dr. Jenkins who operated on your son, Casper. Died on the table. Very sad. Gotta go!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | January 22, 2007 10:24 AM
Yeah, they're Bruno Maglis. Why?
Posted by: Charles | January 22, 2007 10:40 AM
"What the hell's the point of washing my hands if I have to grasp this living-flesh door handle to get out of here?"
"Oh, that's perfect, Ted. A hole in the door just your size, just for you, and you still refuse to use it. Dick."
"Jeeez, for the nine-thousandth time, I'm sorry I had that Ebola all over my hands during that prostate exam. Here, look, I'm washing up, you happy?"
Posted by: Vance | January 22, 2007 10:45 AM
"Hell no, I'm not going to tip you! There aren't any towels and the floor is sticky."
"I know, I know. Christmas past, yada, yada, yada. But you're the one who stuck the glass ornaments so far up your ass that I couldn't remove them safely, so get over it already."
Posted by: Steve | January 22, 2007 10:51 AM
"Look, I forgot to pick up the medication for my obsessive-compulsive disorder, okay? Now get back in your body and I'll be there in...fiiiiive more rinses."
Posted by: Francis | January 22, 2007 10:58 AM
"I still don't see what this is supposed to teach me about Christmas."
Posted by: Francis | January 22, 2007 11:00 AM
No, you can't have any of my bubbles.
Posted by: Andrew | January 22, 2007 11:00 AM
I'm not just a doctor, I'm a priest. Get ready for a surgical exorcism half-pint!
No, I don't know what they called a half-man, half door in mythology...a doortaur, asshole?
Posted by: Amy | January 22, 2007 11:07 AM
Yes, this is pure vegetable glycerin soap fragranced with a blend of rare orchid, wild ginger, rice flower and bamboo. So what of it?
Posted by: Simon | January 22, 2007 11:13 AM
"You're half the man you used to be, but I still love you."
Posted by: Tiberius | January 22, 2007 11:16 AM
"No, that's alright. It happens all the time. What you're looking for is the Animal Medical CENTAUR."
Posted by: Tim H | January 22, 2007 11:23 AM
If you insist. But I suspect you would find the gloves on the side table more useful at this point.
How about that? You don't have any feet, and my hands are permanently encased in this polyethylene foam. Let me guess: you bought me a wristwatch?
No, I can't pick that up. But thanks. stumpy, for noticing my mother took thalidomide.
Posted by: 99 | January 22, 2007 11:40 AM
"Did anybody ever tell you, you look like a door from the waist down?"
Posted by: 32 | January 22, 2007 12:05 PM
You know that won't work, my mutant power is the ability to squeeze my anus extraordinarily tightly.
Posted by: Joe | January 22, 2007 12:12 PM
"Don't look at me like that. You're the one who bought your insurance at Costco."
Posted by: al in la | January 22, 2007 12:41 PM
"You know, most men don't try to stick their entire body through that hole."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2007 12:41 PM
Our hero Pasta-Man comes face to face with his evil arch nemesis, Dr. Starch.
Posted by: chris | January 22, 2007 12:43 PM
No, I still don't think you look like a trophy husband."
"Are you happy now, You've got yourself good and stuck this time."
No, I'm not interested in seeing how many fingertip push-ups you can do."
Posted by: doc | January 22, 2007 12:46 PM
"Clooney never had to deal with shit like this"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | January 22, 2007 12:55 PM
"For the last time, I am not touching your knob"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | January 22, 2007 1:00 PM
It would have been easier for you to open the door than try to squeeze your way through it.
Posted by: Liza | January 22, 2007 1:24 PM
"We'll I probably would have done a better job if I wasn't screwing with your wife, but it's hard to say"
Posted by: Matt Klein | January 22, 2007 1:29 PM
"I know you want me to call you a concierge, but to me you'll always be a doorman."
Posted by: Tim H | January 22, 2007 1:36 PM
Hang on I'll be done in a minute...
Posted by: simsburybear | January 22, 2007 1:40 PM
Great, just great!Everybody knows you can't reach the sink through the damn holes - what are you a moron? Besides you aren't supposed to operate completely naked anyway...and if you expect me to scrub you down you're out of your mind...wait, who are you?
Posted by: simsburybear | January 22, 2007 1:49 PM
"I knew my yacht wouldn't entirely fit in that room."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2007 2:11 PM
"Who the hell was Ben Casey?"
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2007 2:14 PM
I don't know what you are so angry about, swiss cheese has always been an effective antiseptic, it is just really hard to save someone who has been cut completely in half.
Posted by: mimi | January 22, 2007 2:14 PM
"The guy in the other hole had to leave."
Posted by: Greg | January 22, 2007 2:15 PM
"You may have cured my Restless Leg Syndrome, but now I have Itchy Stump Syndrome."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 22, 2007 2:19 PM
"Geez, I'll be done in a minute, keep your door on."
"Sure, you died because I was still washing my hands but I had cancer all over my hands so you would've died anyway. Say 'Hi' to God for me!"
"B-b-b-b-but y-y-y-y-you're su-su-su-suppposed to b-b-b-b-be un-un-un-un-uninsured!"
"'Sue you in hell!' What is that, a pun?"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 22, 2007 2:20 PM
"Oh, hi."
Posted by: derek | January 22, 2007 2:20 PM
[Sorry SimsburyBear I hadn't seen yours]
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 22, 2007 2:21 PM
You look angry, is something bothering you, pumpkin? You look hot without your shirt on, but I have to get back to work. Go home and fix dinner, we can talk about it later.
Posted by: el | January 22, 2007 2:40 PM
"I have a question about my character's motivation in this scene, Mr. Shyamalan."
Posted by: RichM | January 22, 2007 2:40 PM
Big deal, so you can fly. But your piss-poor aim is why you couldn't cut it as a surgeon, Leonard. "Cut it" as a "surgeon"! Hoo-boy! That one always cracks me up.
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 22, 2007 2:51 PM
"What is this, The Philadelphia Experiment Redux?"
Posted by: Sanford6 | January 22, 2007 2:55 PM
Well, tough. I'm going to be a while so you'd better just call for a bed pan.
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 22, 2007 2:57 PM
"Your mother's womb? Thataway."
Posted by: Mrs. George Woolweaver | January 22, 2007 3:05 PM
Whooooa! You proctologists are so damn sneaky.
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 22, 2007 3:07 PM
Land sakes! I don't think I'll ever be able to wash all that gum out of your hair.
Posted by: Bruce | January 22, 2007 3:10 PM
"Yeah, and last week the door was a jar, smart ass!"
Posted by: edgy | January 22, 2007 3:10 PM
I've never been good at charades. But if I had to guess, you were supposed to be the quintiple bypass and not the sex change? SHIT!
Posted by: MPC | January 22, 2007 3:11 PM
Sorry. I didn't know you were showering when I turned it on.
Posted by: Bruce | January 22, 2007 3:12 PM
Now you know how that poor gerbil felt.
Posted by: Bruce | January 22, 2007 3:18 PM
No you idiot. You're supposed to be on the other side of the glory hole.
Posted by: Owen | January 22, 2007 3:35 PM
"Am I late? What'd I miss? Ohhhhhh"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | January 22, 2007 3:42 PM
"So that's your big supernatural attack from beyond the grave? Glaring?"
Posted by: Francis | January 22, 2007 3:50 PM
"Harvey, I'd love to play charades later, but right now I have to perform an angioplasty. Also, I think I liked you better as a rabbit. You seemed more good-natured then."
Posted by: Francis | January 22, 2007 3:52 PM
"But, coming out of the closet wasn't enough......"
Posted by: Anonymous | January 22, 2007 4:07 PM
"This new soap has a haunting fragrance."
Every time a doctor washes with Irish Spring a Mic gets beaten to death.
"And I said 'Rectum, damn near... uh oh.'"
Posted by: mobuck | January 22, 2007 4:16 PM
Tonight on Fox: World's Scariest Staring Contests!
Posted by: memebag | January 22, 2007 4:18 PM
No, that's the 'out' portal. The 'in' portal is the one above it.
Posted by: noddin0ff | January 22, 2007 4:38 PM
"Oh, no, I'm being haunted by this ghost because I was responsible for his death! It's the surgeon I murdered for attaching my body to this door!"
Posted by: John Tabin | January 22, 2007 4:56 PM
“I'm sorry you're not happy with the results of your plastic surgery, but I for one think you look a-door-able.”
Posted by: Matty Matt | January 22, 2007 5:12 PM
"Wash your hands for you? Well, Mr. Slobbo, you should've thought about that before you tagged the door and wall with your graffiti!"
Posted by: Tim H | January 22, 2007 5:47 PM
Dammit, Mary Beth, I'm getting really tired of your "floating torso doctor" routine.
Posted by: Drew Thaler | January 22, 2007 5:57 PM
"So close to the magic faucet that rains uncut diamonds, yet so far. Huh, asshole?"
Posted by: David John | January 22, 2007 6:19 PM
Who do you THINK I'm going to call?
Posted by: Amy | January 22, 2007 6:19 PM
"I'm sorry, but sometimes you have to make hard decisions when separating conjoined twins. This one, however, was easy since your brother had a torso AND a lower body."
"In a moment, I'll fling this soapy water into your eyes. And best of all, you'll never know it's coming."
"Want to see the last ghost who tried to scare me? I shoved him in the trash can on my right. Yeah, those are his hands. Now bug off."
"Look, a lot of people make that mistake. They think because I'm a male in scrubs that means I'm a doctor. But I happen to be a nurse. A nurse with a penis."
Posted by: Nell | January 22, 2007 6:27 PM
"Was that signature there before?"
"Stuff it, upper body. Oh, hey-- 'I hardly know her!' Heh."
Semihomoindictogastrocnemiophobia: the irrational fear that half of a man is pointing at your calf.
Posted by: Rubrick | January 22, 2007 6:31 PM
Don't try to pin the blame on me. I'm not the one who said he swings both ways!
Posted by: David G. | January 22, 2007 7:19 PM
"don't look at me, you're the one that signed up for the philadelphia experiment."
Posted by: johnson | January 22, 2007 7:20 PM
Quite frankly I've mounted horses easier than you.
Posted by: David | January 22, 2007 7:31 PM
How dare you presume I'm gay! You said you wanted me to mount you. You knew I was a surgeon!
Posted by: David G. | January 22, 2007 7:42 PM
Scottie, it's Spock. Re-check your coordinates. Something has happened to the Captain. His brain is in my hands and his underwear has somehow landed on my head.
Posted by: Corey | January 22, 2007 7:54 PM
"... and glory hole protocol clearly indicates that if it falls on my side, I get to keep it..."
Posted by: SeanQ | January 22, 2007 8:17 PM
Damn, I hope this one gets out of limbo when the anesthesia wears off.
Posted by: Other Dave | January 22, 2007 8:37 PM
"Test results confirm you are a puzzle inside an enigma wrapped around a mystery lodged inside a door.”
Posted by: Davided | January 22, 2007 9:13 PM
"Geez, you Times reporters are persistent. Because I don't give a shit! That's why all my patients die. You happy?"
Posted by: David John | January 22, 2007 9:15 PM
"Christ, what a lack of asshole."
"My legs and feet are so poorly drawn that I think they're going to separate from me, too."
"What the hell's your problem?"
"You aren't half the man you used to be."
Posted by: Daniel Axelrod | January 22, 2007 10:54 PM
"Just my luck -- the half that eats."
Posted by: J.D. | January 22, 2007 11:18 PM
"Get lost. I enjoy being Michael Jackson's soulless plastic surgeon."
Posted by: J.D. | January 22, 2007 11:22 PM
"Colonel, if you want to bust someone's balls on this whole geting-killed-in Iraq-thing, go to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. The guy living there is one you want to haunt."
Posted by: NAMBY | January 23, 2007 12:12 AM
"You must be from the insurance company."
Posted by: al in la | January 23, 2007 12:23 AM
"I'm afraid we had a little accident with one of the bone saws while attempting to reattach the two severed fingers of your left hand. Well here, take a look for yourself before I wash it off."
Posted by: David John | January 23, 2007 12:40 AM
You said you wanted to be mounted under a portal. You're mounted under a portal. So what are you bitching about?
Posted by: David G. | January 23, 2007 1:43 AM
Listen pal, I lost half my platoon in Kabul. Don't talk to me about loss.
Posted by: Corey | January 23, 2007 1:47 AM
"Hope you specialize in buttholeistic medicine."
Posted by: David W | January 23, 2007 4:24 AM
"Hey buddy, quit the fartin'...were gettin' a lotta portnoise complaints."
Posted by: David W | January 23, 2007 4:32 AM
"The next time I have an out of body experience I'll remember to bring a key!"
Posted by: David W | January 23, 2007 4:36 AM
"It's jammed and I just pray someone is trying to ram YOUR DOOR!"
Posted by: David W | January 23, 2007 4:46 AM
Oh yeah? Well, I can only pray that this doesn't explode and eliminate all life as we know it!
Posted by: David | January 23, 2007 5:23 AM
Jesus Christ! How many times have I told you not to interupt me when I'm washing the tapioca?
Posted by: Corey | January 23, 2007 5:28 AM
"Morrison, you crazy bastard! How the heck are you?"
Posted by: 32 | January 23, 2007 7:30 AM
Actually, an erection lasting more than four hours requires medical attention even if it doesn't happen while you're trying to escape from an insane Spongebob-obsessed tattooist by squeezing through a small hole in a door.
Posted by: Walt | January 23, 2007 8:28 AM
Tonight, on a very special "Quincy": the incredible unburiable Gerald Ford makes a special guest appearance as part 13 of his 68 part "Don't Put Me In the Ground Yet" nationwide tour (Parental Guidance Advised).
Posted by: junior | January 23, 2007 9:02 AM
No, I'm not going to wash my feet. We're just in a stupid snow globe anyway.
Posted by: Charles | January 23, 2007 10:52 AM
Orco, my old friend, good to see you. That's right, I'm a surgeon now, going by the name of Man of Hands. How's Adam doing these days? What do you mean She-man? I guess someone else got into a little surgery as well.
Posted by: Joe | January 23, 2007 11:03 AM
"Whaddya mean 'Give me a lambda!' ?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 23, 2007 11:13 AM
"Hey, I 'saved your arse' didn't I?"
Posted by: /\lex | January 23, 2007 11:16 AM
You know how the tooth fairy comes to collect the teeth that small children put under their beds? She leaves a quarter or a half-dollar or whatever parents do these days--a double-sawbuck maybe? What if the joke behind this was that instead of a ghost, it was a fairy that came and picked up other body parts, like amputated arms, and left money for the doctor? And it's probably better that the guy isn't Chinese because then people would think this was topical, instead of a body-part fairy joke. Oh, the the glory hole jokes you could do as a follow up to this!
Posted by: Eric | January 23, 2007 1:14 PM
"Get in line pal."
Posted by: Eric | January 23, 2007 1:23 PM
"If you're the ghost of Hillarycare, we already rejected it as too topical."
Posted by: Eric | January 23, 2007 1:24 PM
"You are the ghost of a patient I operated on in a routine procedure, but lost because I was high on several self-administered prescription drugs. Your haunting of me has wracked me with guilt, first for thinking I could be a surgeon in the first place, second for partying my way through a fly-by-night Caribbean medical school, and third for getting my family to pull strings to get me a position in a municipal city hospital where my gross incompetence has gone unnoticed as all of my patients have been indigent. You were right when you moaned that my attempts at being a surgeon all these years have amounted to nothing more than ghoulish improvisation. Now you see me atoning for my lifetime of monsterous criminality by holding my hands under a steady stream of sulpheric acid until they dissolve. Tell me, oh demon hot from hell, when will you be satisfied?"
Posted by: J.D. | January 23, 2007 1:26 PM
Erm, I meant "monstrous" of course.
Posted by: J.D. | January 23, 2007 1:33 PM
...they're not your pearls Jeffrey. Mother gave them to me. And now you've gotten them all knotted and twisted up and they're ruined.
Posted by: David | January 23, 2007 2:08 PM
Look, I already told you, I can't reattach your legs until another doctor reattaches my hands.
Posted by: Andy | January 23, 2007 2:41 PM
Do that again and I'll sever your damn ice-cold finger too.
Posted by: Sher | January 23, 2007 3:42 PM
"I'm sorry. When I said the surgery was 'low risk', I meant FOR ME. You signed the release, after all. Now go rattle some chains or something...I'm needed on the golf course."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 23, 2007 4:37 PM
Yes, I'm washing off your kidney right now. Now get back to your body before I drop it on the floor again.
Posted by: Zack L | January 23, 2007 4:59 PM
Why don't you let your fingers do the walking right back outta here, Mr. Keitel.
Posted by: SK | January 23, 2007 5:02 PM
"Out, damn spot! Out I say! Hey, ghost, got any soap?"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 23, 2007 5:26 PM
Usually, the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out, the worms play pinochle on your snout. But in your case, it looks like they just attached to your scalp and called it a day.
Posted by: SK | January 23, 2007 5:30 PM
[Out of frame] Cut! Cut! Your line is, "Doctor Grey has requested your presence in the ER, stat." Not, "Doctor Grey has requested your presence in the ER, faggot." OK, Mr. Washington? And get your legs on. Washroom scene, take 6! And.... Action!
Posted by: mypalmike | January 23, 2007 5:38 PM
I see you have retained your "girlish figger" in the afterlife. What more do you want? An engraved invitation to rest in peace? Well, people want cool water in Hell, too. Which they won't get from me since this faucet isn't working.
Posted by: SK | January 23, 2007 5:44 PM
Yes, yes, I always loved you! But now you're dead! Can't we just leave it at that and go our separate ways? It would restore a sense of sanity and decorum. And by God, we could sure use some decorum. Almost as much as paper towels, better lighting and a doorknob.
Posted by: SK | January 23, 2007 6:21 PM
I need space Jeffrey! Space! I can't go anywhere without you. You're always hanging around me! I NEED SPACE! SPACE!
Posted by: Corey | January 23, 2007 8:19 PM
"Nothing, I was just gonna make a joke revolving around Dreamgirls being robbed of a Best Picture nomination, but I figured it would already seem outdated in four-and-a-half days. Oh, and you're a ghost, and I'm a doctor washing my hands in something open to wild interpretation."
Posted by: David John | January 23, 2007 9:21 PM
"Gonna wash that man right outta my...D'oh!"
Posted by: Old Hag | January 23, 2007 9:30 PM
...listen "Mommie Dearest" I've had just about enough of you hanging around telling me I've missed a spot!
Posted by: David G. | January 23, 2007 10:12 PM
Endora? Endora! Endora! Endora! Sam! Sam! Sam? SAMANTHA! Sam? Sam!Tabatha?
Posted by: David | January 23, 2007 10:25 PM
"It's not my fault you passed on while under. I told them, 'I want death camp-gray scrubs that match hospital decor perfectly, or God help me, I'm going home to watch Charles In Charge reruns for the rest of the day and he can just fuckin' die out there on that table!' Unfortunately for you, their answer came too late."
Posted by: David John | January 23, 2007 10:52 PM
Eyelid restorations...that’s two bathrooms down the hall.
Posted by: Les | January 24, 2007 12:18 AM
No Sailor, I drew number 27…When it’s my turn, I’ll be on the other side on the door.
Posted by: Les | January 24, 2007 12:28 AM
"Is that a door, or are you just glad to see me?"
Posted by: NCLee | January 24, 2007 12:45 AM
My God Man, You have no knuckles.
Posted by: Les | January 24, 2007 12:54 AM
"Bitch at me all you want but you don't have a leg to stand on."
Posted by: al in la | January 24, 2007 1:16 AM
I know there's an extra pair of hands to help me pull you through the door Jeffrey! Put your eyes back in your head and let me soap up your schlong!
Posted by: David G. | January 24, 2007 1:24 AM
I didn't have time to take it to the cleaners.
Posted by: Corey | January 24, 2007 1:30 AM
Are you 100% certain you had 10 fingers before the surgery?
Posted by: Sher | January 24, 2007 2:02 AM
Quit whining. I don't have elbows either but that hasn't stopped me from learning to dress myself.
Posted by: Sher | January 24, 2007 2:13 AM
Yes, I know the shoes don't match the purse and no, I don't appreciate you using the doggy door to tell me.
Posted by: Gordon | January 24, 2007 2:31 AM
First of all, I didn't say 50% of patients survived. I said 50% of the patient survived. And secondly, at least you don't have to duck when you go through that damn 5 ft tall doorway.
Posted by: Sher | January 24, 2007 2:40 AM
"Knock if off already with the goddamn 'pull my finger' routine."
Posted by: Steve | January 24, 2007 3:30 AM
"I said have a CHAIR!"
Posted by: jazzy | January 24, 2007 7:46 AM
"Marley, to begin with: I've got a pair of triple-bypasses lined up tonight, so you can send over all the Ghosts of Patients Past that you want, but no one comes into my OR without my say-so."
Posted by: gary | January 24, 2007 9:00 AM
You picked a helluva time for a staring contest.
Posted by: The biased realist | January 24, 2007 12:21 PM
If you don't like the way I do it, from now on you can wash your own damn delicates.
Posted by: The biased realist | January 24, 2007 12:25 PM
You're the worst clothes hook ever.
Posted by: The biased realist | January 24, 2007 12:29 PM
Look, I told you plastic surgery can only fix so much. You're not the only one who has to live with eyes that look like billiard balls, Dad.
Posted by: The biased realist | January 24, 2007 12:36 PM
Are you just going to float there all day, or are you going to get the giant leech off my ear?
Posted by: The biased realist | January 24, 2007 12:37 PM
"The New York magazine said I didn't have to tip you"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | January 24, 2007 1:10 PM
working on the same theme
"A tip? Here's a tip: grow some fucking legs"
Posted by: Dick Trimble | January 24, 2007 1:13 PM
"Yeah -- like I'm going to give you 20 push-ups."
Posted by: doc | January 24, 2007 1:35 PM
"Haunt me all you want, but I'm warning you -- knock off that mime shit."
Posted by: doc | January 24, 2007 1:42 PM
"Oh- a WISE guy, eh??! Nyahh, nyahh, nyahh- woop, woop, woop! Next time I'll stick you in the hole feet first!"
Posted by: Michael | January 24, 2007 1:43 PM
look, we both know Gahan Wilson jumped the shark long ago, but they keep using his stuff anyway, and all the dismembered glaring in the world aint gonna change that, so hand me a towel . . .
Posted by: caphuff | January 24, 2007 1:57 PM
"Remember, getting circumcized at age forty was your idea. That gran mal seizure didn't help either."
Posted by: danny | January 24, 2007 9:24 PM
Don't try to guilt me with your "staring ego" face. We both know only TV doctors wash up to their elbows.
Posted by: Jr. | January 24, 2007 10:42 PM
...get down on my knees and blow what? what?
Posted by: David G. | January 24, 2007 11:06 PM
"Man, I'm really gonna have to talk to the building & maintenance folks about this Let's-Cut-the-Gargoyles-in-Half-and-Mount-Them-on-Interior-Doors initiative. They're really not that much fun close up. Although at least my washroom got the upper half..."
Posted by: Vance | January 25, 2007 10:35 AM
"Don't look now, but I think that's Homer Simpson trying to stick his head through the other hole."
Posted by: Tim H | January 25, 2007 12:32 PM
"My bad."
Posted by: Hookah | January 25, 2007 1:21 PM
Are you levitating or are you just happy to see me?
Posted by: n | January 25, 2007 2:44 PM
My God?!! Haven't you ever heard of knocking first?
Posted by: n | January 25, 2007 2:47 PM
"It's ghost bustin' time." (porn music plays)
Posted by: mobuck | January 25, 2007 3:21 PM
"See? It was a very large invasive hemorrhoid, so we had to be aggressive with removing surrounding tissue."
Posted by: LR | January 25, 2007 4:13 PM
Dammit! Why is it that you evil spirits always show up right after I've taken a dump?!
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 25, 2007 4:24 PM
Doctor: :7 0
Ghost: :? (
Doctor: :7 /
Ghost: :? (
Doctor: ;7 }
Ghost: :~ }
Doctor: $$$$7 ]
Posted by: SK | January 25, 2007 7:08 PM
Get out of the fucking bathroom and stop washing your pizza, you fagot!
Posted by: Paul Mastrianni | January 25, 2007 8:15 PM
The door handle was quite sullied, so instead of using an ample amount of Purell©, I simply cut a large whole through the door and squeezed my body through it. Get my witticism here?
Posted by: Mike Mozzarella | January 25, 2007 8:24 PM
"And, gargoyle these soap suds 3 times a day."
Posted by: 27 B Stroke 6 | January 25, 2007 8:32 PM
"What other entry level positions can you show me?"
Posted by: 32 | January 25, 2007 8:38 PM
"Actually, they do teach this now in medical school."
Posted by: BBB | January 25, 2007 8:41 PM
No, I do not need to wash my feet to perform this surgery.
Posted by: Liza | January 25, 2007 9:57 PM
"Of course, Mom always liked me best. I graduated from Harvard Medical School while you were diving through doors."
Posted by: sandusky | January 25, 2007 9:58 PM
What's that? Timmy fell down a well?
Posted by: Dex | January 25, 2007 10:37 PM
No, I'm not interested in a 50% off subscription. But you might ask your boss why that snooty waste of paper, The New Yorker, can't find a decent cartoon artist.
Posted by: Unpretentious Inker | January 25, 2007 11:57 PM
No, I can't give you OxyContin, Limbaugh. You're only here for a bikini wax. Ask me again if you ever agree to a brain implant.
Posted by: U.I. | January 26, 2007 12:09 AM
They're loafers. I never wear laces during surgery.
Posted by: Jr. | January 26, 2007 12:14 AM
"Well okay mistakes were made, but you have to admit your hair transplant does look pretty good."
Posted by: al in la | January 26, 2007 12:14 AM
Yes, I sympathize. But I'll never understand what possessed you to go lumberjacking with that Satan-worshipper Cheney in the first place.
Posted by: U.I. | January 26, 2007 12:16 AM
"No, I don't want to race you."
Posted by: MJ | January 26, 2007 1:40 AM
Unless you can tell me how the ability to turn the lower half of your body into a door and the power to pour cascades of granola from my empty hands would be more effective against crime than, let's say, a trained cop with a gun, I still say we're doing more good for society by giving women greater confidence and self-esteem. Now get your scrubs on. Those 34-D's aren't going to implant themselves.
Posted by: Walt | January 26, 2007 9:11 AM
My lower half has been stuck in this cold room for 3 days now, and what's worse is that the entire room is now filled with urine. Although it does keep me warm.
Posted by: Joe | January 26, 2007 10:09 AM
"I'm a doctor, Jim, not a surrealist."
Posted by: J.D. | January 26, 2007 12:29 PM
Obviously, nudity prevents the loser half of my body from making an appearance in this drawing. The height of this door, however, is purely poor artistry.
Posted by: na | January 26, 2007 2:37 PM
You're half the man I'll ever be.
Posted by: Neel | January 26, 2007 3:13 PM
You're telling me they don't have Head & Shoulders in the after-life?
Posted by: Neel | January 26, 2007 3:17 PM
I'll be finished when I damn well please.
Posted by: Neel | January 26, 2007 3:20 PM
I JUST FUCKED YOUR WIFE
Posted by: Miles Bogner | January 26, 2007 4:01 PM
Your other half isn't living up to your expectations? What about my other half?
Posted by: Gordon | January 26, 2007 6:56 PM
I'm beginning to think you're not all there.
Posted by: Neel | January 26, 2007 7:36 PM
Shouldn't it be called a blahg?
Posted by: Jackie | January 26, 2007 8:29 PM
"Yeah I saw that in the matrix -- its not that cool anymore ..."
Posted by: Agam | January 26, 2007 9:54 PM
"... So I'm like - 'its just a phase, you know?', and she's like - 'But did you have to go and stick in a door this time ?!' "
"Argh ! Women ..."
Posted by: Agam | January 26, 2007 9:59 PM
"Can't you read the sign? We don't wait on spooks!"
Posted by: Angela | January 26, 2007 10:28 PM
Jeffrey stop getting upset about what other's think about you. You're neither trophy wife nor boy toy. I like to think of you as my goy kebab.
Posted by: David G. | January 26, 2007 10:42 PM
"No, I don't need another update on how things are going in Heaven! If it's so great, why do you keep coming back here?!"
Posted by: Vance | January 27, 2007 1:58 AM
Yeah, well, if I'd been hanging around here as long as you have, I'd be Chief of Surgery by now and not just some lowly organ grinder.
Posted by: Corey | January 27, 2007 2:37 AM
"Where's Beth ?"
"She moved upstairs"
"oh ..."
"Naah, its good for both of us -- she was always looking over my shoulder"
Posted by: Agam | January 27, 2007 5:48 AM
"You wanted hip replacement surgery. You got hip replacement surgery."
Posted by: Davided | January 27, 2007 8:13 AM
I told you not to bother me until a new anti-caption contest started.
Posted by: Agnew | January 27, 2007 10:56 AM
Fine. You can be Chief of surgery and I'll be the naive young intern. Now go get ready before I get too tired.
Posted by: Agnew | January 27, 2007 11:02 AM
I hope you're here to heighten the doorway.
Posted by: Agnew | January 27, 2007 11:03 AM
Cleanliness is next to Ghoulishness
Posted by: David | January 27, 2007 1:19 PM
Cleanliness is next to Ghostliness
Posted by: David | January 27, 2007 1:29 PM
"This is why I love earthquakes."
Posted by: Sanford6 | January 27, 2007 8:08 PM
"I am scrubbing in here!"
Posted by: Kevin Melillo | January 27, 2007 9:33 PM
"The autopsy results confirm that you're dead."
Posted by: Mrs. George Woolweaver | January 27, 2007 9:57 PM
No, you have to wait until I say the word "gently" before you jump in. Let's try it again. Row, row, row your boat...
Posted by: Agnew | January 27, 2007 9:57 PM
No, you have to wait until I say the word "gently" before you jump in. Let's try it again. Row, row, row your boat...
Posted by: Agnew | January 27, 2007 9:59 PM
"I always sterilise the rubber puke before placing it inside the patient's chest cavity. Otherwise my signature practical joke could have tragic consequences."
Posted by: J.D. | January 27, 2007 11:39 PM
Give my regards to your mother.
Posted by: DR | January 28, 2007 2:25 AM
Hi, "Mr. Ghost that Only Visits Every Ten Years";
the Cubs still haven't won the World Series. There's really no need to return so frequently to check.
Posted by: Greg | January 28, 2007 12:12 PM
What the hell are you doing here, the contest was over a week ago?
Posted by: Joe | February 4, 2007 11:40 PM