Even Dubiouser Achievements 2007
It's become a January tradition. Every year I contribute a handful of funny jokes to Esquire's Dubious Achievement Awards — and am left with a giant pile of not-so-funny rejected ones, which I then inflict on you. (Which ones were accepted? You tell me and win a fabulous prize.)
Here are the Dubious Achievement Awards Esquire wanted nothing to do with this year.
OR AS MARK FOLEY CALLS IT, THE CONGRESSIONAL PAGE PROGRAM
After buying a cluster of islands in the Southern Bahamas for $50 million, David Copperfield claimed that one of them contained the fountain of youth.
DEAL
A Million Little Pieces author James Frey responded to allegations that he fabricated significant parts of his memoir by saying, “So let the haters hate, let the doubters doubt, I stand by my book, and my life.”
THE SENTENCE IS ONLY FOUR YEARS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE AT LEAST SIX
Former Oklahoma district judge Donald Thompson was sentenced to prison for indecent exposure charges that included shaving his scrotum during closing arguments in an August 2003 murder trial.
IT WAS FUNNIER IN ARAMAIC
While being arrested for drunk driving on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, Mel Gibson stated that the "fucking Jews" were "responsible for all the wars in the world." He also claimed that he owned Malibu and called a female officer "sugar tits."
THE TIP OFF SHOULD HAVE BEEN THAT SOMEONE CLAIMED TO BE READING A NEW REPUBLIC BLOG
Lee Siegel, the cultural critic for The New Republic posted comments that praised his own work and disparaged his critics in the “Talkback” section of his own New Republic blog, “Lee Siegel on Culture.”
HELL, NEXT YEAR’S EVENT ALREADY HAS FUNDING FROM THE NEA
At “Martinifest,” an event hosted by Clear Channel at the Milwaukee Art Museum, unlimited martinis were served for $30. It was reported that attendees climbed up and vomited on sculptures and passed out. Clear Channel’s program director called the evening a success.
THEY MADE HIM THROW A BASEBALL? WHO’S GAY-ASS NOW, KURT?
NASCAR driver Kurt Busch was pulled over for speeding and then called the police “punks” and refused to take their “gay-ass” sobriety test. Busch later made a plea deal on misdemeanor and civil charges. For his community service, Busch signed autographs and threw the first pitch at a major league baseball game as part of a charity fundraising effort.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS HIS SISTER
A Georgia man was arrested after he had sex with a corpse he found in a motor home. In court, the man told the judge he was “pretty much drunk.”
ALSO, MONOPOLY HAS BEEN REPLACED BY WORLD OF WARCRAFT
In an updated version of Monopoly, called the “Here and Now Edition,” old game pieces like the iron and shoe have been replaced by a Toyota Prius, a RAZR phone, a laptop, a labradoodle, an airplane, McDonald’s fries and a New Balance sneaker.
RADIOSHACK EMPLOYEES KNOW HOW TO USE E-MAIL?
The RadioShack Corporation used e-mail to inform approximately 400 of its employees that they had been fired. The e-mail stated, “The work force reduction notification is currently in progress…Unfortunately your position is one that has been eliminated.”
NO, WE HAVE IN FACT LOST INTEREST
Paris Hilton claimed that she practices sexual abstinence, saying “I like the way guys go crazy when they can't have sex with you. If he can't have you, he stays interested. The moment he has you, he's gone."
IS THAT WHAT THE KIDS ARE CALLING IT THESE DAYS?
The mayor of Las Vegas designated August 29 “Paris Hilton Day” and gave her the key to the city.
SOMEONE MARRIED KEVIN COSTNER?
The unknown celebrity accused by a spa worker in Scotland of exposing himself and engaging in a sex act during his massage in 2004 was revealed to be Kevin Costner, who was on his honeymoon.
SO WHERE IS COURTNEY ON THIS LIST?
Courtney Love sold a 25-percent stake of Nirvana’s song catalog to a music publishing company, pushing Kurt Cobain past Elvis Presley on the Forbes.com list of top-earning dead celebrities. Cobain earned $50 million between October 2005 and October 2006; Presley earned $42 million.
WHO?
In an “as told to” story in the New York Post, Kevin Federline said, “I didn't realize how much people love to hate me! It's crazy…I like that real journalism. I like putting other people's words in a sentence and making people, like, their faces light up about it. Not frown. Light up."
MAKING IT ALMOST AS BOGUS AS A GRAMMY
Troy Lee Gentry of the country singing duo Montgomery Gentry allegedly purchased a tame black bear named Cubby for about $4,650 from a hunting guide, and then killed it with a bow and arrow in an enclosed pin. Gentry tagged the bear and registered it as a wild kill with the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources.
COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS THE WORKING TITLE FOR POWERLINE
Jane magazine held an online competition to have a 29-year-old virgin lose her virginity. The Virgin kept a blog during the contest called the “Virgin Chronicles.”
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE A LITTLE BOY NOW HAS TO GROW UP WITHOUT HIS FATHER
This year, the New York Yankees' holiday ornament is a plane-flying Santa Claus called the "Victory Plane."