January 15, 2007

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #83

Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's winner.


"The walk-in oven seems to put off our Jewish friends." —LV

"Actually it's the latest in home security. The burgler enters the house, thinks to himself 'giants must live here' and makes a quick exit" —/\lex

"I can't believe 'Think Big' went out of business. We were in there like every week!" —Nell

Honorable mention
"We hired Claes Oldenburg to design our kitchen. And our phone. Not our furniture, though. I'm not sure about our stereo." —Deborah

"The Weinermobile crew recommended me to all their friends, and now I can hardly keep up with all the novelty advertising vehicle repair business coming in." —Walt

(Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking.) —DonBoy

"I suppose it was funny when I was drunk but now I hate my life more than you can imagine." —Charles

"The neighbors are starting to suspect we're bigamists." —al in la

"Because we hate Al Gore." —Arthur

"The oversized appliances aren't really my thing. But what can you do when you own a giant hyper-intelligent dog who likes music, toast, and light?" —David John

"So I said to the genie, 'Hey! I didn't ask for a 60 inch crock!' But I suppose his mistake was understandable, given my affinity for oversized appliances." —mypalmike

"Honest opinion? The undersized novelty light switches are the bane of an otherwise welcoming interior." —David John

"Amazon Prime, baby. Amazon Prime." —AlyeskaJohn

"Of course we don't use them. They're huge. Are you an idiot?" —SK

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Instead of getting a divorce, I decided to simply gouge my eyes out so I wouldn't have to see her ugly face anymore.

"We hired Claes Oldenburg to design our kitchen. And our phone. Not our furniture, though. I'm not sure about our stereo."

"It's a sort of homunculus, if you will. We use our appliances a lot, and our furniture, not so much. Clever, yes?"

Let me give you an idea of how special tonight is: have you ever tried to open a bottle of wine with a Rabbit(TM) the size of a bear cub?

So I figured, why not i-People?

"I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I have a very, very small penis."

"To paraphrase Norma Desmond, it's the apartments that got small."

"I see you've noticed the odd appearance of everything in our house. I can explain that: My wife has a manic compulsion to run around with a magic marker and draw a series of parallel lines on everything she sees. I've just learned to live with it."

We furnished it with stuff some 50-foot tall woman threw out when she moved out of the old Evrolet plant. Why?

"And then I said to myself, why keep 'borrowing' little shit like spools and thimbles? Go for the gusto! And now we've got the place so nice we rarely even leave the walls."

"So I told the genie, I always wanted to make the most precious possession
I have to give her much larger........"

"Whoooooaaaaa... this is incredible... my pupils must be reeeeally dilated right now... man, I'm glad I agreed to supervision for this trip... lookatha size a those things! Tee-hee!"

The Weinermobile crew recommended me to all their friends, and now I can hardly keep up with all the novelty advertising vehicle repair business coming in.

"It started with a new mega-vibrator for Anne here, which fits beautifully, I might add, and then just kind of snowballed."

"We've come to realize bigger isn't always better."

"I should have kept our normal-sized car so I could wash it in the dishwasher."

"The walk-in oven seems to put off our Jewish friends."

"Yeah, it's all Costco."

"She claims I said, 'I want you to have me kept abreast of the enlargements.'"

Well since you brought it up, yes, I suppose it is a little odd. But for some reason, Monica has never been able to cross her legs.

Just make sure when you go to take a crap to grab a life jacket.

Oh, at "Big Fucking Giant Stuff 'R Us"....they were haveing a big fucking sale...

"So when the guy behind the counter asked if I needed to validate my parking, I punched him in his fucking face."

"Lilli put Ian in the toaster. Get it? Lilliputian? And that's why you smell hair burning."

"Yes, we are from Texas. Why do you ask?"

"I do not fear large appliances. I fear the lack of them."

"They're all supposed to have "Nina" written into the cross-hatching, so we're sending them back in the morning."

"And there's one more item -- Edna here is waiting for the giant batteries so she can finally try it out."

"We decided our consumption wasn't conspicuous enough."

"Yes, we have recently opened a new checking account. Why do you ask?"

"I suppose I should tell you: We've split up. Goliath is going to send for his things."

"Little Timmy? Well, heee's a big boy now! This is the playhouse his mother gave him."

Voice from out of frame: "Dammit, Maggie, stop putting things from around our home in your dollhouse!"

Ha ha! This coffee table is so puny I can move it with my foot!

Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking.

OK, that would be better as

(Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking)

like in closed-captioning.

"We're concerned about the phone, though; it looks huge, but we fear it may only be a trick of perspective. And I have no damn idea what that thing at the front left is."

I was skeptical, but Margaret fell in love with this two-legged table so we bought it. Now I love it except that I can't take my foot off this end or our drinks and the bowl of mashed potatoes will slide onto the floor. And Lord knows this carpet already has enough odd-looking stains on it.

Don't worry, I'm not sensitive about it. They were charred when I accidentally stared directly at a light bulb.

I suppose it was funny when I was drunk but now I hate my life more than you can imagine.

If it wasn't bad enough that Agatha Helen was too God-awful homely to be a model, now it turns out she's too freakishly thin as well.

"Remarkable, my dad made more from 'Princes Bride' then he did during his entire wrestling career."

"This really big asshole across the street left all this stuff at the curb."

So should we pick a safe word or do you just want to wing it.

To your right is a portrait of a fetus and behind us is a depiciton of a monkey wrench flying over my wife's breasts and the size of our gadgets is an abstact intrepretation of the over consumption of electricity in society. Before you have anymore dip, I'll have to stick my foot in it to represent the uncleanliness of processed food ingredients.

...so I says to the guy: there's no way I'm paying full retail. I'll give you cost plus 10% or no deal. He was a moron. Right hon? Hon?

Listen losing my sight gave me a whole different perspective on life, let me tell you. Live fucking big because it's all fleeting. That's how I feel about it. Live big.

"So... golly, Dolly - it's been about five years. How ya doin' these days?"

"Our house was transformed from 'weak' to 'chic', from 'frumpy' to 'fabulous.' Or at least that's what Joan Steffend said last week when we were on 'Decorating Cents.'"

"Timmy and Tommy were playing hide-and-seek in the toaster one morning, and, well..., you don't want to know what happened."

"I have a big mouth. Does that count for anything?"

"So... golly, Dolly - it's been about five years. How ya doin' these days?"

"Say, Betty - how was lunch with the Pope? I understand he gave you a waffle iron?"

The lamps here are obscene.

Okay look, I get it -- the lampshades are her breasts, the toaster her vagina, and the phone is your phallus.

Everyone laughed when I founded Jikea: Giant Home Furnishings. Well, except for you two. You two couldn't laugh if Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump were mud-wrestling right in front of you.

"The neighbors are starting to suspect we're bigamists."

"Are you sure we can't offer you a giant cup of coffee?"

"I can't believe 'Think Big' went out of business. We were in there like every week!"

"Ebay. The guy mixed up the symbols for inches and feet. The $1,000 shipping costs should have tipped us off."

"These appliances only work with special oversized #PV-51AR (5 VDC) 1A [Regulated] 2.1x5.5mm C+ adaptors. You don't have any on you, do you?"

"It was a big wedding."

"What happened was, I didn't know you need to use double inverted commas for 'inches' and single inverted commas for 'feet.' So when I custom-ordered all of our appliances, I inadvertently asked for a seven-foot tall toaster, a five-foot tall lamp, and so on. I'm told the same thing happened to Tony Hendra's character in 'Spinal Tap.' More merlot?"

"We have a 40-inch telephone; two 75-inch lamps; and a 100-inch toaster. This may seem extravagant, but notice that we have a 50-inch flat-screen TV. While this is still a large TV--one of the largest on the market--it is neither unique nor indeed notably unusual. More merlot?"

"Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about your husband's death. I know how difficult it must be, when so many of your friends and peers are married. If it helps, our marriage has become a lifeless sham, saved from complete dullness only by occasional bouts of near-violence. In an attempt to make you feel more at home, though, we've removed the other chairs and couches from the conversation nook so you won't have an empty chair to remind you of your solitude. More merlot?"

"As a rule I like to think big, therefore I have big things. Capisce?"

Yeah, I know, the freakishly large appliances, piss-poor artwork and crime-scene dirty carpet get to some people, but the thing that REALLY pisses me off is the fucking lightswitch on that wall - what asshat installed the damn thing that low on the wall, for Chrissakes?

"Mom, Dad, Rita, over here! It's no use, they can't hear us, we're just too darn small. So, you wanna do it?"

"So he says, outta my way midget, and I'm like 'that's Dr. Midget, thank you very much'".

"Smallville, Schmallville! I like where we are now."

I wish I was a real goy.

"What do you think -- should we get a bigger table?"

"Holy crap, would you look at the size of these gigantic... whatever-they-ares? I mean, this, for example, it's like an enormous... table leg! Wait - it's a table! And shit, that's a giant guy's leg next to it! Look out! His foot is right over us, ready to slide off the side of the table! Oh nooooooo!!!"

"Do you want some fucking toast?"

"Oh it's this great little out of the way boutique up by Erebus, it's called Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt and Microphone and Beyond. There's only a few other people who shop there. Mrs. Evrolet, for one, she gets all of her dirty dishrags and amulets there. Then there's this lovely gay couple, Manny and Claus, they're both all hands, if you know what I mean. Manny's always having medical problems and Claus just evicted his tenants."

"Your apartment makes me uncomfortable."

"If that impresses you, you should go check out our toilet. I like to pretend I'm a gull squeezing my little shits into Lake Superior."

(First off, I'll be disappointed if LV #4 doesn't make the finals. Perfect.)

"And another thing, all our appliances are really huge."

"We were inspired by that one song on that one Peter Gabriel album. You know, the one with 'Sledgehammer'. Not that song, though."

"We met in prison, actually. That's where we both acquired our taste for totally fucked-up perspective."

My name's Psycho. Call me Francis again and I'll kill you.

"Do I look like an idiot? Where the hell do you propose our putting 4164 issues of 'The New Yorker' anyways?"

Sit tight. Breakfast will be ready in 4 hours.

First we bought the Cyclops Eye and then we got obsessed with giant things. We probably should have just bought some sconces from Pier 1.

"It's Trump's new line of home appliances: Everything is obnoxiously big and never seems to work."

"The coffee maker is our hot tub, the toaster is for tanning, and every morning I screw these ugly-ass floor lamps together and do 35 reps on the rug."

"Big! You want big? Let me show you our 25 foot high bonsai plant in the front yard."

It doesn't matter what we do. The eye still sees everything we do. Sometimes that can be kinda kinky, ya know? More wine?

"I think, therefore I am... going to get the fuck out of here."

Because we hate Al Gore.

Bob is nearsighted, so we get the large print edition of the Ikea catalog.

"Christ, what an enormous asshole."

....well, I'm personally feeling a little uncomfortable. The big eye has been in the kitchen for over an hour. Ummmm, would you like us to leave?

Don't bullshit me with that "size doesn't matter" crap!

Listen as far as housing for the disabled goes; this is the fucking best complex in the city, bar none. Did you also notice the fucking surveilance camera in the kitchen? State of the fucking art.

Want to see my Big Balls.

Size is an illusion, validated by one’s perception of reality.

My cousin Marvin actually predicted it in the early sixties. His theory was that as technology advances, the works inside get smaller but the actual appliance itself gets bigger. Take your average toaster for example...

I mean, what the fuck? We've been e-mailing back and forth for weeks about hooking up for a 3-way and now you're bitching about our digs? Well, you can see Shelly is devastated!

...anyway, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to "fry his ass."

"I bought all these huge material possessions for nothing. They helped fill the void created when the military erroneously informed me Julie here had been killed in Iraq. What a waste."

...but you're right there: ours was the life of privileged couple living "the good life" until a couple of Quakers came by one day and asked us if we'd consider living the simple life of a simple Quaker couple living under the watchful eye of the ever-present Quaker Eye. Little did we know what a nightmare that would turn out to be for everyone involved; including the original "Quaker Eye" himself; who can't seem to leave our kitchen over fear of repurcussions from the Quaker's peaceful handling of every situation that defies any other non-Quaker's belief system. I'm telling you it's beyond the human imagination. You can't live large anymore without serious consequences.

"It's hard to get your fingers around little things with the arthritis. So ... "

Sure Vegas is changing but what city isn't?

"How about some music while we wait for our extra-extra-extra-extra large pizza to be delivered from Little Ceasar's? Rosemary, would you help me turn on the stereo?"

I never thought for a minute that I'd be thankful for Medicare until now.

"I'm sorry Harry couldn't come too, but until we can afford another chair, I'm afraid you'll have to continue visiting individually."

"I see you're not wearing any underwear again Vivian."

"You're the interior designer, Miss Winnthrupp, but I still think the place could use some color."

"So how long have you and my wife been lovers?"

"The oversized appliances aren't really my thing. But what can you do when you own a giant hyper-intelligent dog who likes music, toast, and light?"

"They're from Nigel Tufnel's new line at Target."

"The kids? We sent them out to get stretched, too."

"Yeah, but you see how small my new cell phone is."

"So we all agree then? 'Really little people' is preferable to 'midget midgets'. And 'tiny dwarfs' is completely inappropriate."

"So I said to the genie, 'Hey! I didn't ask for a 60 inch crock!' But I suppose his mistake was understandable, given my affinity for oversized appliances."

"It took some getting used to, but for the visually impaired oversized housewares is the biggest breakthrough since tits."

"Honest opinion? The undersized novelty light switches are the bane of an otherwise welcoming interior."

"Well, I know it isn't for everyone, but speaking on behalf of Prudence and myself, I'd say cross-dressing really works for you, Gerald. I mean, 'Crystal'. Dammit."

"You've got small tits."

"So, anybody up for scrabble, trivial pursuit, 3-way sex?"

"Very good, yes. Absolutely amazing. Okay now ladies, 'exhale'!

"Of course, some of this stuff comes in smaller sizes for a lot less money."

I'm more of a Jungian, actually. Why do you ask?

"If you must know, the lines are because we were handed down one of the longest house arrest sentences in history. We do it to mark the days."

"I've been lifting weights for 3 months now in the hope that some day I'll be able to answer the phone."

"No amount of novelty can change the fact that we are smug, provincial and ultimately insignificant."

"The guilt still tears at me. I was the one who bought the goddamn automatic pencil sharpener that Louise here was dusting when the goddamn doorbell rang. Thank goodness I caught her in time and she escaped with only minor hair loss on her crown. The Jehovah's Witnesses apologized for their part -- oh, and they left some brochures I'd like to share with you -- but I'll always feel as if it was all my fault."

"I'm bringin' sexy back."

(Thanks to Rubrick for the props- I hope you're not disappointed)

"If the power on your cell phone is low we have a 5-nanosecond quick-charger that plugs in just to your right."

"We've always enjoyed framing and displaying our favorite stamps and postcards."

"Emma, I'm not gay, so I really have nothing to add to this discussion of the 'Esquire Dubious Achievement Awards.' And by gay I don't mean homosexual."

"They're all gag gifts from my independently wealthy brother, Charlie. I told him it was only marginally funny the first time, but how do you reason with someone in the throes of a crippling drug addiction?

You should see Margaret's electric dildo.

Given the soaring medical expenses for care of my ruined eyes, we decided that we could not afford to pay our perspective bill anymore. It doesn't matter to me, because I cannot see anyway.

"Please, let me explain. The classy toaster is Tiki Barber, the overpriced floor lamps are Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey, the blaring radio is Tom Coughlin, and the phone that only works on occasion is Eli Manning."

...that way the artist never has to learn how to draw hands...

"Big? Hmmm, now that you mention it, yes, I guess it is. Too big for my face? Maybe. But at least it's not all pointy like yours."

"Conservationists can kiss my big Texas ass."

"I thought I made myself clear,it's not a Jacuzzi -- it's a state-of-the-art Japanese toilet."

"Amazon Prime, baby. Amazon Prime."

So you'll help us bring something to the Antiques Roadshow then?

Would you mind calling me "Timothy?" Given the circumstances, "Timmy" seems a bit diminutive.

As my pupils continue to expand beyond the confines of the room, the size of a few 21st Century doo-dads will not matter in the long run. Everything, including this fugue state that Veronica, here, is experiencing, will pale in comparison to the extraordinary size of my pupils. Trust me, I know about these things.

Of course we don't use them. They're huge. Are you an idiot?

Well, I really didn't ask your opinion about our decorating scheme but since you offered it, I can just tell you to bite me, you pointy-nosed, saggy tit bitch. More merlot?

Wella, I noa speeka da Englis arelly gudt. Anda looka wha happen!

You have to special order the bread from a small artisanal bakery in Maine and the light bulbs are handblown in Milan. The phone rings at 300 to 400 decibels but so far no complaints from the neighbors. The new coffee table is being delivered next week and will go just about where you're sitting. I'm reading a book on near-death experiences and the job search is going to hell in a normal sized handbasket. Oh. And I'm waiting on results from some labwork. But enough about me. Have you lined up that nose-job yet?

"We do go through a hell of a lot of bread; and coffee ... . But our old LPs and 78s fit right in the stereo. They don't play of course, but they fit."

"We just sold a book: 'Big Lights, Big City.'"

"This sofa seems a little out-of-place, doesn't it?"

"The good thing that has come out of all this is that the Larger Image catalog will be coming out with a braille version. Gillian and I are thrilled that our complaints to the company after receiving our wares, were attended to with such grace and professionalism. We ended up not having to pay for any of it. And did I tell you? We're not really blind? I have 12% sight remaining --I'm diabetic; Gilly is fully-sighted though I doubt she can't see through those greasy-feeling lenses."

corr. "..doubt she can see.."

"Given all the fertilizer that's spread around here by Trudy's goddamn Young Republicans meetings, it's really not surprising, is it? Oh, that reminds me. I ordered a 75 foot shovel, Trudy, so someone has to be home between 4 and 6 on Tuesday when it's being delivered. I know that's when you're hosting your goddamn Young Republicans meeting, so I hope it won't cause a disruption. More Ernest and Julio Gallo anyone?"

"I call this one 'Lampy'."

Did you know a major side effect of using magic beans is kleptomania?

What lamps?

"Well, it started with the television, I guess."

"My optometrist told me all of the small things were hurting my eyes."

"The phone reminds me of the golden days; I guess it increased from there on."

I haven't seen my mother since we installed the new toilet.

"Ever since the revolution, it's been just like that Orwell novel, 'Small Appliance Farm.' Three prongs good, two legs bad."

"And that's not even the worst part about living in a poorly-proportioned dollhouse; the damn kid always seems to open the roof right in the middle of our lovemaking."

"And after the appletinis, we'll take you through the walk-in microwave."

"No, no. These appliances aren't ours. Our son's back from college for the summer and he's just holing up here... What's that? Oh, yes. Our son's a normie. How?... You know, I never really figured that out. Gina almost exploded into a fine mist when she was pushing that durian of a baby out of her birth canal... Oh, no, he sleeps in the basement, you know how these college guys like their privacy."

"We're expecting the artist to call any moment.

To apologize."

Anna's dream of "Livin' Large" was slowly coming true.

"Really? I hadn't noticed"

Interupting cow? I don't get it.

So you say we can make BIG money selling Amway? Well, you are talking my language!

"Freud shui"

My stuff is big. Heh.

"Oh god, what'd you put in this wine? And when did your sister get here?"

I love drawing lines on the furniture. It helps pass the time while we figure out how to get the fuck out of here.

Would anyone care for a Pop-Tart™?

Who farted?

The important thing is to keep things in perspective.

I need a new drug.

We're thinking about getting a big-screen.

Would you believe I can't find the remote?

"Mescaline is a naturally occurring psychedelic found in several cactus species. Merlot is a delightfully unpretentious red wine. Over the next 12 to 18 hours the difference should become increasingly clear to you."

Yes, we control the chinese antisattelite missile system right here from the living room, the large appliances are just a distraction, pretty clever, eh?

"But I'm very small in Japan also."

"I told her the biggest retailer of electrical appliances. Not the retailer of the *biggest* electrical appliances"

Are you ready to see the giant dildo in the bedroom?

"Susan had a teleshopping problem..."
Lampshade 1: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Lampshade 2:
"Fuck me, a talking lampshade!"
"Prison gave us a new perspective"

"No, none of my New Yorker captions ever won either, but it's only because that snobbish, overrated rag won't hire a decent artist."

"Ohmygod. It's been nearly 15 minutes and none of us have used the word 'fuck'. Come on, ladies, we're in danger of seeming unsophisticated and uncool. Fuck. There. Now we're in vogue again."

"Why do you care?"

"I wish it were as easy to find the correct size condom."

"Sometimes I feel like my life is under a microscope. And that reminds me, Dr. Weinstein, I have a rash I'd like you to look at."

"Like it? It's Halliburton's new Surge collection."

"I like to make sexy time! Sadly, I cannot go after you or else my wife will snap off my cock."

"This is why I like yardsales."

Yes, we have a dog.

Its big in Japan.

Mrs. Spurlock tries to entertain the unexpected guests while Morgan runs down to McDonald's for some hor d'ourves.

"I guess it was just a matter of time before Lane Bryant got into housewares."

"Actually it's the latest in home security. The burgler enters the house, thinks to himself 'giants must live here' and makes a quick exit"

"Hi, hi, hello, sorry, I really thought I'd be here sooner, here, scooch over a sec, will ya Millie? Thanks. Ah, boy does it feel good to take a load off. Lemme put my foot up here a little if you don't mind. Great. So. Am I too late to make a joke about a giant d- I am? Fuck."

everyone only seems to notice the giant furniture and no one notices the picture of the fetus that is a shrine to my wife's miscarriage last year.

It gives us something to talk about.

"Do you want butter on your husband?"

"Our son was killed in the toaster oven, hence the slotted version you see now."

"It keeps us humble..."

"One can never overcompensate for a big-screen television..."

Belated entry:

And I don't know if you noticed, but the carpet is actually three feet deep and extends about 30 yards beyond the edges of our house in all directions.

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