The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #83
Submit the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see last week's winner.
Winner
"The walk-in oven seems to put off our Jewish friends." LV
Finalists
"Actually it's the latest in home security. The burgler enters the house, thinks to himself 'giants must live here' and makes a quick exit" /\lex
"I can't believe 'Think Big' went out of business. We were in there like every week!" Nell
Honorable mention
"We hired Claes Oldenburg to design our kitchen. And our phone. Not our furniture, though. I'm not sure about our stereo." Deborah
"The Weinermobile crew recommended me to all their friends, and now I can hardly keep up with all the novelty advertising vehicle repair business coming in." Walt
(Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking.) DonBoy
"I suppose it was funny when I was drunk but now I hate my life more than you can imagine." Charles
"The neighbors are starting to suspect we're bigamists." al in la
"Because we hate Al Gore." Arthur
"The oversized appliances aren't really my thing. But what can you do when you own a giant hyper-intelligent dog who likes music, toast, and light?" David John
"So I said to the genie, 'Hey! I didn't ask for a 60 inch crock!' But I suppose his mistake was understandable, given my affinity for oversized appliances." mypalmike
"Honest opinion? The undersized novelty light switches are the bane of an otherwise welcoming interior." David John
"Amazon Prime, baby. Amazon Prime." AlyeskaJohn
"Of course we don't use them. They're huge. Are you an idiot?" SK
Comments
Instead of getting a divorce, I decided to simply gouge my eyes out so I wouldn't have to see her ugly face anymore.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | January 15, 2007 9:43 AM
"We hired Claes Oldenburg to design our kitchen. And our phone. Not our furniture, though. I'm not sure about our stereo."
"It's a sort of homunculus, if you will. We use our appliances a lot, and our furniture, not so much. Clever, yes?"
Posted by: Deborah | January 15, 2007 9:53 AM
Let me give you an idea of how special tonight is: have you ever tried to open a bottle of wine with a Rabbit(TM) the size of a bear cub?
Posted by: 99 | January 15, 2007 9:54 AM
So I figured, why not i-People?
Posted by: Amy | January 15, 2007 10:22 AM
"I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: I have a very, very small penis."
Posted by: Vance | January 15, 2007 10:32 AM
"To paraphrase Norma Desmond, it's the apartments that got small."
Posted by: Tim H | January 15, 2007 10:38 AM
"I see you've noticed the odd appearance of everything in our house. I can explain that: My wife has a manic compulsion to run around with a magic marker and draw a series of parallel lines on everything she sees. I've just learned to live with it."
Posted by: Vance | January 15, 2007 10:39 AM
We furnished it with stuff some 50-foot tall woman threw out when she moved out of the old Evrolet plant. Why?
Posted by: theophylact | January 15, 2007 10:43 AM
"And then I said to myself, why keep 'borrowing' little shit like spools and thimbles? Go for the gusto! And now we've got the place so nice we rarely even leave the walls."
Posted by: Vance | January 15, 2007 10:43 AM
"So I told the genie, I always wanted to make the most precious possession
I have to give her much larger........"
Posted by: Greg Gunderson | January 15, 2007 11:45 AM
"Whoooooaaaaa... this is incredible... my pupils must be reeeeally dilated right now... man, I'm glad I agreed to supervision for this trip... lookatha size a those things! Tee-hee!"
Posted by: Vance | January 15, 2007 12:21 PM
The Weinermobile crew recommended me to all their friends, and now I can hardly keep up with all the novelty advertising vehicle repair business coming in.
Posted by: Walt | January 15, 2007 12:26 PM
"It started with a new mega-vibrator for Anne here, which fits beautifully, I might add, and then just kind of snowballed."
"We've come to realize bigger isn't always better."
"I should have kept our normal-sized car so I could wash it in the dishwasher."
"The walk-in oven seems to put off our Jewish friends."
"Yeah, it's all Costco."
Posted by: LV | January 15, 2007 12:41 PM
"She claims I said, 'I want you to have me kept abreast of the enlargements.'"
Posted by: Davided | January 15, 2007 1:05 PM
Well since you brought it up, yes, I suppose it is a little odd. But for some reason, Monica has never been able to cross her legs.
Posted by: Sher | January 15, 2007 1:12 PM
Just make sure when you go to take a crap to grab a life jacket.
Posted by: David W | January 15, 2007 1:22 PM
Oh, at "Big Fucking Giant Stuff 'R Us"....they were haveing a big fucking sale...
Posted by: simsburybear | January 15, 2007 1:33 PM
"So when the guy behind the counter asked if I needed to validate my parking, I punched him in his fucking face."
Posted by: J | January 15, 2007 1:44 PM
"Lilli put Ian in the toaster. Get it? Lilliputian? And that's why you smell hair burning."
Posted by: danny | January 15, 2007 1:59 PM
"Yes, we are from Texas. Why do you ask?"
Posted by: al in la | January 15, 2007 2:08 PM
"I do not fear large appliances. I fear the lack of them."
Posted by: danny | January 15, 2007 2:17 PM
"They're all supposed to have "Nina" written into the cross-hatching, so we're sending them back in the morning."
Posted by: J.D. | January 15, 2007 2:48 PM
"And there's one more item -- Edna here is waiting for the giant batteries so she can finally try it out."
Posted by: J.D. | January 15, 2007 2:50 PM
"We decided our consumption wasn't conspicuous enough."
Posted by: Francis | January 15, 2007 3:32 PM
"Yes, we have recently opened a new checking account. Why do you ask?"
"I suppose I should tell you: We've split up. Goliath is going to send for his things."
Posted by: gary | January 15, 2007 3:33 PM
"Little Timmy? Well, heee's a big boy now! This is the playhouse his mother gave him."
Posted by: 32 | January 15, 2007 3:43 PM
Voice from out of frame: "Dammit, Maggie, stop putting things from around our home in your dollhouse!"
Posted by: John Tabin | January 15, 2007 3:51 PM
Ha ha! This coffee table is so puny I can move it with my foot!
Posted by: Pat Broderick | January 15, 2007 3:58 PM
Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking.
Posted by: DonBoy | January 15, 2007 4:01 PM
OK, that would be better as
(Inaudibly high-pitched squeaking)
like in closed-captioning.
Posted by: DonBoy | January 15, 2007 4:02 PM
"We're concerned about the phone, though; it looks huge, but we fear it may only be a trick of perspective. And I have no damn idea what that thing at the front left is."
Posted by: DonBoy | January 15, 2007 4:07 PM
I was skeptical, but Margaret fell in love with this two-legged table so we bought it. Now I love it except that I can't take my foot off this end or our drinks and the bowl of mashed potatoes will slide onto the floor. And Lord knows this carpet already has enough odd-looking stains on it.
Posted by: Sher | January 15, 2007 4:25 PM
Don't worry, I'm not sensitive about it. They were charred when I accidentally stared directly at a light bulb.
Posted by: Sher | January 15, 2007 4:41 PM
I suppose it was funny when I was drunk but now I hate my life more than you can imagine.
Posted by: Charles | January 15, 2007 4:50 PM
If it wasn't bad enough that Agatha Helen was too God-awful homely to be a model, now it turns out she's too freakishly thin as well.
Posted by: Sher | January 15, 2007 4:52 PM
"Remarkable, my dad made more from 'Princes Bride' then he did during his entire wrestling career."
Posted by: NAMBY | January 15, 2007 6:47 PM
"This really big asshole across the street left all this stuff at the curb."
Posted by: Mrs. George Woolweaver | January 15, 2007 6:58 PM
So should we pick a safe word or do you just want to wing it.
Posted by: Joshua James | January 15, 2007 7:07 PM
To your right is a portrait of a fetus and behind us is a depiciton of a monkey wrench flying over my wife's breasts and the size of our gadgets is an abstact intrepretation of the over consumption of electricity in society. Before you have anymore dip, I'll have to stick my foot in it to represent the uncleanliness of processed food ingredients.
Posted by: Anonymous | January 15, 2007 8:52 PM
...so I says to the guy: there's no way I'm paying full retail. I'll give you cost plus 10% or no deal. He was a moron. Right hon? Hon?
Posted by: David G. | January 15, 2007 9:15 PM
Listen losing my sight gave me a whole different perspective on life, let me tell you. Live fucking big because it's all fleeting. That's how I feel about it. Live big.
Posted by: David G. | January 15, 2007 9:19 PM
"So... golly, Dolly - it's been about five years. How ya doin' these days?"
Posted by: Marcus the Carcass | January 15, 2007 9:47 PM
"Our house was transformed from 'weak' to 'chic', from 'frumpy' to 'fabulous.' Or at least that's what Joan Steffend said last week when we were on 'Decorating Cents.'"
Posted by: mypalmike | January 15, 2007 9:59 PM
"Timmy and Tommy were playing hide-and-seek in the toaster one morning, and, well..., you don't want to know what happened."
Posted by: Sanford6 | January 15, 2007 10:09 PM
"I have a big mouth. Does that count for anything?"
Posted by: Vernon Rogers | January 15, 2007 10:13 PM
"So... golly, Dolly - it's been about five years. How ya doin' these days?"
Posted by: Marcus the Carcass | January 15, 2007 10:46 PM
"Say, Betty - how was lunch with the Pope? I understand he gave you a waffle iron?"
Posted by: Marcus the Carcass | January 15, 2007 11:05 PM
The lamps here are obscene.
Posted by: mypalmike | January 15, 2007 11:06 PM
Okay look, I get it -- the lampshades are her breasts, the toaster her vagina, and the phone is your phallus.
Posted by: Pandyora | January 15, 2007 11:21 PM
Everyone laughed when I founded Jikea: Giant Home Furnishings. Well, except for you two. You two couldn't laugh if Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump were mud-wrestling right in front of you.
Posted by: Amy | January 15, 2007 11:39 PM
"The neighbors are starting to suspect we're bigamists."
Posted by: al in la | January 16, 2007 12:43 AM
"Are you sure we can't offer you a giant cup of coffee?"
"I can't believe 'Think Big' went out of business. We were in there like every week!"
"Ebay. The guy mixed up the symbols for inches and feet. The $1,000 shipping costs should have tipped us off."
Posted by: Nell | January 16, 2007 1:01 AM
"These appliances only work with special oversized #PV-51AR (5 VDC) 1A [Regulated] 2.1x5.5mm C+ adaptors. You don't have any on you, do you?"
Posted by: Davided | January 16, 2007 7:44 AM
"It was a big wedding."
Posted by: carl | January 16, 2007 7:51 AM
"What happened was, I didn't know you need to use double inverted commas for 'inches' and single inverted commas for 'feet.' So when I custom-ordered all of our appliances, I inadvertently asked for a seven-foot tall toaster, a five-foot tall lamp, and so on. I'm told the same thing happened to Tony Hendra's character in 'Spinal Tap.' More merlot?"
"We have a 40-inch telephone; two 75-inch lamps; and a 100-inch toaster. This may seem extravagant, but notice that we have a 50-inch flat-screen TV. While this is still a large TV--one of the largest on the market--it is neither unique nor indeed notably unusual. More merlot?"
"Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about your husband's death. I know how difficult it must be, when so many of your friends and peers are married. If it helps, our marriage has become a lifeless sham, saved from complete dullness only by occasional bouts of near-violence. In an attempt to make you feel more at home, though, we've removed the other chairs and couches from the conversation nook so you won't have an empty chair to remind you of your solitude. More merlot?"
Posted by: Trout Almondine | January 16, 2007 10:17 AM
"As a rule I like to think big, therefore I have big things. Capisce?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 16, 2007 10:24 AM
Yeah, I know, the freakishly large appliances, piss-poor artwork and crime-scene dirty carpet get to some people, but the thing that REALLY pisses me off is the fucking lightswitch on that wall - what asshat installed the damn thing that low on the wall, for Chrissakes?
Posted by: junior | January 16, 2007 10:57 AM
"Mom, Dad, Rita, over here! It's no use, they can't hear us, we're just too darn small. So, you wanna do it?"
"So he says, outta my way midget, and I'm like 'that's Dr. Midget, thank you very much'".
Posted by: Joe | January 16, 2007 11:07 AM
"Smallville, Schmallville! I like where we are now."
Posted by: Tim H | January 16, 2007 11:14 AM
I wish I was a real goy.
Posted by: Amy | January 16, 2007 11:15 AM
"What do you think -- should we get a bigger table?"
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2007 11:58 AM
"Holy crap, would you look at the size of these gigantic... whatever-they-ares? I mean, this, for example, it's like an enormous... table leg! Wait - it's a table! And shit, that's a giant guy's leg next to it! Look out! His foot is right over us, ready to slide off the side of the table! Oh nooooooo!!!"
Posted by: Vance | January 16, 2007 12:28 PM
"Do you want some fucking toast?"
"Oh it's this great little out of the way boutique up by Erebus, it's called Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt and Microphone and Beyond. There's only a few other people who shop there. Mrs. Evrolet, for one, she gets all of her dirty dishrags and amulets there. Then there's this lovely gay couple, Manny and Claus, they're both all hands, if you know what I mean. Manny's always having medical problems and Claus just evicted his tenants."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | January 16, 2007 1:28 PM
"Your apartment makes me uncomfortable."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | January 16, 2007 1:38 PM
"If that impresses you, you should go check out our toilet. I like to pretend I'm a gull squeezing my little shits into Lake Superior."
Posted by: Brad Bannister | January 16, 2007 2:40 PM
(First off, I'll be disappointed if LV #4 doesn't make the finals. Perfect.)
"And another thing, all our appliances are really huge."
"We were inspired by that one song on that one Peter Gabriel album. You know, the one with 'Sledgehammer'. Not that song, though."
"We met in prison, actually. That's where we both acquired our taste for totally fucked-up perspective."
Posted by: Rubrick | January 16, 2007 3:57 PM
My name's Psycho. Call me Francis again and I'll kill you.
Posted by: Sher | January 16, 2007 4:44 PM
"Do I look like an idiot? Where the hell do you propose our putting 4164 issues of 'The New Yorker' anyways?"
Posted by: Tim H | January 16, 2007 5:01 PM
Sit tight. Breakfast will be ready in 4 hours.
Posted by: Charles | January 16, 2007 5:06 PM
First we bought the Cyclops Eye and then we got obsessed with giant things. We probably should have just bought some sconces from Pier 1.
Posted by: Charles | January 16, 2007 5:15 PM
"It's Trump's new line of home appliances: Everything is obnoxiously big and never seems to work."
Posted by: al in la | January 16, 2007 6:11 PM
"The coffee maker is our hot tub, the toaster is for tanning, and every morning I screw these ugly-ass floor lamps together and do 35 reps on the rug."
Posted by: edgy | January 16, 2007 7:20 PM
"Big! You want big? Let me show you our 25 foot high bonsai plant in the front yard."
Posted by: Elwood P. Suggins | January 16, 2007 8:01 PM
It doesn't matter what we do. The eye still sees everything we do. Sometimes that can be kinda kinky, ya know? More wine?
Posted by: David G. | January 16, 2007 8:03 PM
"I think, therefore I am... going to get the fuck out of here."
Posted by: Francis | January 16, 2007 9:11 PM
Because we hate Al Gore.
Posted by: Arthur | January 16, 2007 9:17 PM
Bob is nearsighted, so we get the large print edition of the Ikea catalog.
Posted by: Maxwell Hammer | January 16, 2007 9:20 PM
"Christ, what an enormous asshole."
Posted by: J.D. | January 16, 2007 11:31 PM
....well, I'm personally feeling a little uncomfortable. The big eye has been in the kitchen for over an hour. Ummmm, would you like us to leave?
Posted by: David G. | January 16, 2007 11:54 PM
Don't bullshit me with that "size doesn't matter" crap!
Posted by: Les | January 17, 2007 1:15 AM
Listen as far as housing for the disabled goes; this is the fucking best complex in the city, bar none. Did you also notice the fucking surveilance camera in the kitchen? State of the fucking art.
Posted by: David G. | January 17, 2007 1:22 AM
Want to see my Big Balls.
Posted by: Les | January 17, 2007 1:32 AM
Size is an illusion, validated by one’s perception of reality.
Posted by: Les | January 17, 2007 1:50 AM
My cousin Marvin actually predicted it in the early sixties. His theory was that as technology advances, the works inside get smaller but the actual appliance itself gets bigger. Take your average toaster for example...
Posted by: David G. | January 17, 2007 1:52 AM
I mean, what the fuck? We've been e-mailing back and forth for weeks about hooking up for a 3-way and now you're bitching about our digs? Well, you can see Shelly is devastated!
Posted by: David G. | January 17, 2007 2:37 AM
...anyway, you should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to "fry his ass."
Posted by: David | January 17, 2007 2:57 AM
"I bought all these huge material possessions for nothing. They helped fill the void created when the military erroneously informed me Julie here had been killed in Iraq. What a waste."
Posted by: David John | January 17, 2007 3:21 AM
...but you're right there: ours was the life of privileged couple living "the good life" until a couple of Quakers came by one day and asked us if we'd consider living the simple life of a simple Quaker couple living under the watchful eye of the ever-present Quaker Eye. Little did we know what a nightmare that would turn out to be for everyone involved; including the original "Quaker Eye" himself; who can't seem to leave our kitchen over fear of repurcussions from the Quaker's peaceful handling of every situation that defies any other non-Quaker's belief system. I'm telling you it's beyond the human imagination. You can't live large anymore without serious consequences.
Posted by: Gordon | January 17, 2007 3:49 AM
"It's hard to get your fingers around little things with the arthritis. So ... "
Posted by: J.D. | January 17, 2007 3:56 AM
Sure Vegas is changing but what city isn't?
Posted by: Gordon | January 17, 2007 3:59 AM
"How about some music while we wait for our extra-extra-extra-extra large pizza to be delivered from Little Ceasar's? Rosemary, would you help me turn on the stereo?"
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 17, 2007 4:09 AM
I never thought for a minute that I'd be thankful for Medicare until now.
Posted by: Corey | January 17, 2007 4:10 AM
"I'm sorry Harry couldn't come too, but until we can afford another chair, I'm afraid you'll have to continue visiting individually."
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 17, 2007 4:19 AM
"I see you're not wearing any underwear again Vivian."
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 17, 2007 4:26 AM
"You're the interior designer, Miss Winnthrupp, but I still think the place could use some color."
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 17, 2007 4:34 AM
"So how long have you and my wife been lovers?"
Posted by: P. Whipped | January 17, 2007 4:39 AM
"The oversized appliances aren't really my thing. But what can you do when you own a giant hyper-intelligent dog who likes music, toast, and light?"
Posted by: David John | January 17, 2007 5:28 AM
"They're from Nigel Tufnel's new line at Target."
Posted by: Eric | January 17, 2007 10:57 AM
"The kids? We sent them out to get stretched, too."
Posted by: Eric | January 17, 2007 10:57 AM
"Yeah, but you see how small my new cell phone is."
Posted by: Eric | January 17, 2007 10:58 AM
"So we all agree then? 'Really little people' is preferable to 'midget midgets'. And 'tiny dwarfs' is completely inappropriate."
Posted by: Steve | January 17, 2007 11:24 AM
"So I said to the genie, 'Hey! I didn't ask for a 60 inch crock!' But I suppose his mistake was understandable, given my affinity for oversized appliances."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 17, 2007 2:32 PM
"It took some getting used to, but for the visually impaired oversized housewares is the biggest breakthrough since tits."
Posted by: al in la | January 17, 2007 2:34 PM
"Honest opinion? The undersized novelty light switches are the bane of an otherwise welcoming interior."
Posted by: David John | January 17, 2007 7:01 PM
"Well, I know it isn't for everyone, but speaking on behalf of Prudence and myself, I'd say cross-dressing really works for you, Gerald. I mean, 'Crystal'. Dammit."
Posted by: Steve | January 17, 2007 7:30 PM
"You've got small tits."
Posted by: amish | January 17, 2007 8:09 PM
"So, anybody up for scrabble, trivial pursuit, 3-way sex?"
Posted by: Ted | January 17, 2007 9:23 PM
"Very good, yes. Absolutely amazing. Okay now ladies, 'exhale'!
Posted by: Pete H | January 17, 2007 9:28 PM
"Of course, some of this stuff comes in smaller sizes for a lot less money."
Posted by: Swizzle | January 17, 2007 9:35 PM
I'm more of a Jungian, actually. Why do you ask?
Posted by: Alison | January 17, 2007 10:33 PM
"If you must know, the lines are because we were handed down one of the longest house arrest sentences in history. We do it to mark the days."
Posted by: David John | January 17, 2007 10:38 PM
"I've been lifting weights for 3 months now in the hope that some day I'll be able to answer the phone."
Posted by: Davided | January 18, 2007 7:43 AM
"No amount of novelty can change the fact that we are smug, provincial and ultimately insignificant."
Posted by: J.D. | January 18, 2007 8:24 AM
"The guilt still tears at me. I was the one who bought the goddamn automatic pencil sharpener that Louise here was dusting when the goddamn doorbell rang. Thank goodness I caught her in time and she escaped with only minor hair loss on her crown. The Jehovah's Witnesses apologized for their part -- oh, and they left some brochures I'd like to share with you -- but I'll always feel as if it was all my fault."
Posted by: Steve | January 18, 2007 12:10 PM
"I'm bringin' sexy back."
Posted by: Tim H | January 18, 2007 12:30 PM
(Thanks to Rubrick for the props- I hope you're not disappointed)
"If the power on your cell phone is low we have a 5-nanosecond quick-charger that plugs in just to your right."
"We've always enjoyed framing and displaying our favorite stamps and postcards."
Posted by: LV | January 18, 2007 1:53 PM
"Emma, I'm not gay, so I really have nothing to add to this discussion of the 'Esquire Dubious Achievement Awards.' And by gay I don't mean homosexual."
Posted by: J.D. | January 18, 2007 4:13 PM
"They're all gag gifts from my independently wealthy brother, Charlie. I told him it was only marginally funny the first time, but how do you reason with someone in the throes of a crippling drug addiction?
Posted by: David John | January 18, 2007 7:32 PM
You should see Margaret's electric dildo.
Posted by: Jay Herm | January 18, 2007 7:43 PM
Given the soaring medical expenses for care of my ruined eyes, we decided that we could not afford to pay our perspective bill anymore. It doesn't matter to me, because I cannot see anyway.
Posted by: Automatt | January 18, 2007 8:08 PM
"Please, let me explain. The classy toaster is Tiki Barber, the overpriced floor lamps are Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey, the blaring radio is Tom Coughlin, and the phone that only works on occasion is Eli Manning."
Posted by: Sanford6 | January 18, 2007 8:27 PM
...that way the artist never has to learn how to draw hands...
Posted by: firebus | January 18, 2007 8:40 PM
"Big? Hmmm, now that you mention it, yes, I guess it is. Too big for my face? Maybe. But at least it's not all pointy like yours."
Posted by: Vance | January 18, 2007 10:30 PM
"Conservationists can kiss my big Texas ass."
Posted by: doc | January 18, 2007 10:47 PM
"I thought I made myself clear,it's not a Jacuzzi -- it's a state-of-the-art Japanese toilet."
Posted by: doc | January 18, 2007 10:56 PM
"Amazon Prime, baby. Amazon Prime."
Posted by: AlyeskaJohn | January 19, 2007 3:36 AM
So you'll help us bring something to the Antiques Roadshow then?
Posted by: Amy | January 19, 2007 7:33 AM
Would you mind calling me "Timothy?" Given the circumstances, "Timmy" seems a bit diminutive.
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:15 PM
As my pupils continue to expand beyond the confines of the room, the size of a few 21st Century doo-dads will not matter in the long run. Everything, including this fugue state that Veronica, here, is experiencing, will pale in comparison to the extraordinary size of my pupils. Trust me, I know about these things.
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:19 PM
Of course we don't use them. They're huge. Are you an idiot?
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:21 PM
Well, I really didn't ask your opinion about our decorating scheme but since you offered it, I can just tell you to bite me, you pointy-nosed, saggy tit bitch. More merlot?
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:25 PM
Wella, I noa speeka da Englis arelly gudt. Anda looka wha happen!
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:27 PM
You have to special order the bread from a small artisanal bakery in Maine and the light bulbs are handblown in Milan. The phone rings at 300 to 400 decibels but so far no complaints from the neighbors. The new coffee table is being delivered next week and will go just about where you're sitting. I'm reading a book on near-death experiences and the job search is going to hell in a normal sized handbasket. Oh. And I'm waiting on results from some labwork. But enough about me. Have you lined up that nose-job yet?
Posted by: SK | January 19, 2007 12:37 PM
"We do go through a hell of a lot of bread; and coffee ... . But our old LPs and 78s fit right in the stereo. They don't play of course, but they fit."
Posted by: stcoleridge | January 19, 2007 1:39 PM
"We just sold a book: 'Big Lights, Big City.'"
"This sofa seems a little out-of-place, doesn't it?"
Posted by: David | January 19, 2007 1:42 PM
"The good thing that has come out of all this is that the Larger Image catalog will be coming out with a braille version. Gillian and I are thrilled that our complaints to the company after receiving our wares, were attended to with such grace and professionalism. We ended up not having to pay for any of it. And did I tell you? We're not really blind? I have 12% sight remaining --I'm diabetic; Gilly is fully-sighted though I doubt she can't see through those greasy-feeling lenses."
Posted by: Erin Bauer | January 19, 2007 1:43 PM
corr. "..doubt she can see.."
Posted by: E B | January 19, 2007 1:44 PM
"Given all the fertilizer that's spread around here by Trudy's goddamn Young Republicans meetings, it's really not surprising, is it? Oh, that reminds me. I ordered a 75 foot shovel, Trudy, so someone has to be home between 4 and 6 on Tuesday when it's being delivered. I know that's when you're hosting your goddamn Young Republicans meeting, so I hope it won't cause a disruption. More Ernest and Julio Gallo anyone?"
Posted by: Steve | January 19, 2007 2:30 PM
"I call this one 'Lampy'."
Posted by: memebag | January 19, 2007 4:41 PM
Did you know a major side effect of using magic beans is kleptomania?
Posted by: mobuck | January 19, 2007 4:49 PM
What lamps?
Posted by: xian | January 19, 2007 4:51 PM
"Well, it started with the television, I guess."
"My optometrist told me all of the small things were hurting my eyes."
"The phone reminds me of the golden days; I guess it increased from there on."
Posted by: Zachary | January 19, 2007 5:06 PM
I haven't seen my mother since we installed the new toilet.
Posted by: Mike | January 19, 2007 5:15 PM
"Ever since the revolution, it's been just like that Orwell novel, 'Small Appliance Farm.' Three prongs good, two legs bad."
Posted by: mypalmike | January 19, 2007 6:18 PM
"And that's not even the worst part about living in a poorly-proportioned dollhouse; the damn kid always seems to open the roof right in the middle of our lovemaking."
"And after the appletinis, we'll take you through the walk-in microwave."
"No, no. These appliances aren't ours. Our son's back from college for the summer and he's just holing up here... What's that? Oh, yes. Our son's a normie. How?... You know, I never really figured that out. Gina almost exploded into a fine mist when she was pushing that durian of a baby out of her birth canal... Oh, no, he sleeps in the basement, you know how these college guys like their privacy."
Posted by: Pit Pat | January 19, 2007 6:26 PM
"We're expecting the artist to call any moment.
To apologize."
Posted by: Automatt | January 19, 2007 6:51 PM
Anna's dream of "Livin' Large" was slowly coming true.
Posted by: mmrtnt | January 19, 2007 7:32 PM
"Really? I hadn't noticed"
Posted by: CG | January 19, 2007 7:32 PM
Interupting cow? I don't get it.
Posted by: jeremy | January 19, 2007 8:40 PM
So you say we can make BIG money selling Amway? Well, you are talking my language!
Posted by: Dex | January 19, 2007 9:19 PM
"Freud shui"
Posted by: Joe Gregorio | January 19, 2007 11:05 PM
My stuff is big. Heh.
Posted by: Tom Horseonovich Colligan | January 19, 2007 11:30 PM
"Oh god, what'd you put in this wine? And when did your sister get here?"
Posted by: Andrew | January 19, 2007 11:42 PM
I love drawing lines on the furniture. It helps pass the time while we figure out how to get the fuck out of here.
Posted by: Lauren | January 20, 2007 12:48 AM
Would anyone care for a Pop-Tart™?
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:11 AM
Who farted?
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:13 AM
The important thing is to keep things in perspective.
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:14 AM
I need a new drug.
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:15 AM
We're thinking about getting a big-screen.
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:16 AM
Would you believe I can't find the remote?
Posted by: CheekyGeek | January 20, 2007 1:18 AM
"Mescaline is a naturally occurring psychedelic found in several cactus species. Merlot is a delightfully unpretentious red wine. Over the next 12 to 18 hours the difference should become increasingly clear to you."
Posted by: al in la | January 20, 2007 1:35 AM
Yes, we control the chinese antisattelite missile system right here from the living room, the large appliances are just a distraction, pretty clever, eh?
Posted by: el | January 20, 2007 1:39 AM
"But I'm very small in Japan also."
Posted by: J.D. | January 20, 2007 1:48 AM
"I told her the biggest retailer of electrical appliances. Not the retailer of the *biggest* electrical appliances"
(PRLW)
Posted by: /\lex | January 20, 2007 11:25 AM
Are you ready to see the giant dildo in the bedroom?
Posted by: Yew Norker | January 20, 2007 11:44 AM
"Susan had a teleshopping problem..."
-
Lampshade 1: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Lampshade 2:
"Fuck me, a talking lampshade!"
-
"Prison gave us a new perspective"
Posted by: Danny | January 20, 2007 12:10 PM
"No, none of my New Yorker captions ever won either, but it's only because that snobbish, overrated rag won't hire a decent artist."
"Ohmygod. It's been nearly 15 minutes and none of us have used the word 'fuck'. Come on, ladies, we're in danger of seeming unsophisticated and uncool. Fuck. There. Now we're in vogue again."
"Why do you care?"
"I wish it were as easy to find the correct size condom."
"Sometimes I feel like my life is under a microscope. And that reminds me, Dr. Weinstein, I have a rash I'd like you to look at."
Posted by: The Biased Realist | January 20, 2007 5:13 PM
"Like it? It's Halliburton's new Surge collection."
"I like to make sexy time! Sadly, I cannot go after you or else my wife will snap off my cock."
Posted by: RichM | January 20, 2007 6:29 PM
"This is why I like yardsales."
Posted by: 32 | January 20, 2007 8:30 PM
Yes, we have a dog.
Posted by: Dex | January 20, 2007 9:34 PM
Its big in Japan.
Posted by: Nick | January 20, 2007 10:01 PM
Mrs. Spurlock tries to entertain the unexpected guests while Morgan runs down to McDonald's for some hor d'ourves.
Posted by: valis | January 20, 2007 10:06 PM
"I guess it was just a matter of time before Lane Bryant got into housewares."
Posted by: al in la | January 20, 2007 11:01 PM
"Actually it's the latest in home security. The burgler enters the house, thinks to himself 'giants must live here' and makes a quick exit"
Posted by: /\lex | January 20, 2007 11:52 PM
"Hi, hi, hello, sorry, I really thought I'd be here sooner, here, scooch over a sec, will ya Millie? Thanks. Ah, boy does it feel good to take a load off. Lemme put my foot up here a little if you don't mind. Great. So. Am I too late to make a joke about a giant d- I am? Fuck."
Posted by: Vance | January 21, 2007 12:40 AM
everyone only seems to notice the giant furniture and no one notices the picture of the fetus that is a shrine to my wife's miscarriage last year.
Posted by: mi | January 21, 2007 2:25 AM
It gives us something to talk about.
Posted by: Liza | January 21, 2007 3:13 AM
"Do you want butter on your husband?"
Posted by: edgy | January 21, 2007 10:48 AM
"Our son was killed in the toaster oven, hence the slotted version you see now."
"It keeps us humble..."
"One can never overcompensate for a big-screen television..."
Posted by: Michael | January 21, 2007 12:36 PM
Belated entry:
And I don't know if you noticed, but the carpet is actually three feet deep and extends about 30 yards beyond the edges of our house in all directions.
Posted by: Francis | January 22, 2007 10:55 AM