January 8, 2007

If Joel Stein married Michelle Malkin

Their son would be — yes, horribly ashamed, but also, War Nerd, eXile's crazed chronicler of military wackiness. Here's the WN on...

Why World War II is overrated.

The biggest lie about WW II is that it was a war between good and evil. Bullshit, because there were no good European countries.They Were ALL Fascists. At a military level, let's face a nasty fact: WW II was Stalin vs. Hitler. The rest was window dressing. Stalin won because--because what, he was a nicer guy? Nope, he won because his brand of fascism was actually way more ruthless and bloody and effective than Hitler's smalltime snobbery, and because Stalin had the whole US industrial machine backing him. There's no moral lesson in that that I can see.

Of course, most of these WW II fans try real hard not to think about Stalin, so they prefer to think about Britain and the rest of Western Europe. Those are officially the good guys. Well, got some bad news for you: they were all fascists too, just weaker than Stalin and Hitler, more sly and suckup-y. The only lesson they've got to offer is that if you want to survive, start out as a raving fascist and when that becomes uncool, turn coward and start pretending you were always in favor of niceness. Europe before Stalingrad was an alien planet, as crazy and bloodthirsty as any Aztec priest. Nobody realizes the complete flip-flop Europe did in 1945. Before that, it was a continent full of insane fascists. Some were braver, better soldiers, or smarter; those are the only real differences. And when I say "smarter," I don't want to overdo it, because the Greatest Generation was a bunch of morons. Hitler was the stupidest of all, I grant you that, but he was just the standout in graduating class full of mongoloids in fedoras.

Why you have to kind of admire George Bush

It reminds me of a drunk driver waking up to find himself at the wheel of his friend's new car, now wrapped around a tree. His buddies are screaming at him, every name in the book, and he says, "Oh, it's easy to criticize, but where do we go from here?"

Now that, folks, is gall. You almost have to admire it, it's so insane. HE wraps OUR car around the tree, and we're in the wrong for complaining? No wonder he's on top; you can't beat gall like that. And by the way, the correct answer to that question, "Where do we go from here?" is, "Well, the first thing we do is drag the driver out of the wreck and kick him to death right there on the scene, with his face down in leaked tranny fluid, just on general principles."

How to win in Iraq

Simplest and safest is bribery... Just do the math. Right now, November 12, 2006, the official cost of Iraq is around $340 billion. Suppose we'd just bombed Iraq with dollars; we'd be the heroes of the world, and every family in Iraq would be - are you ready for this?-$70,000 richer. That would make Iraq one of the richest countries in the world. I guarantee you those greedy bastards would find better things to do with their time than drill holes in each others' heads with power drills. Everybody'd thank us. Not just the Iraqis but every gold chain manufacturer in Egypt, every brothel manager in Amsterdam, every Mercedes dealer in Baghdad....Along the way, Saddam would have been overthrown in a few seconds, like the first time he tried to tell a young Baghdad blood he couldn't drive his new convertible into the country. The Iraqis were never going to revolt for democracy - I mean, be honest, who would? But a new car? Boom, ol' Soddom is a hood emblem, and Uday and Qusay are seat covers.

Why Saddam was old school

To me, watching that execution was like watching Planet of the Apes: a bunch of de-evolved primates killing the last man... Blaming Saddam for being what he was is like blaming a rattlesnake for killing. That's how it lives, and it's what that Crocodile Hunter guy would've called "a bee-YOO-tiful ambush predator." Saddam was right for Iraq the way a Sidewinder is right for the Mojave. [Bush and Cheney] remind me of this Darwin-Award winner who went to the hereafter on Lake Berryessa. He was fishing, noticed a rattler swimming beside his boat, grabbed it -- and when his fishing buddy told him to throw it away, this genius said, "Oh, no, it's harmless -- look!" and held it up to his face to show how harmless it was. The snake did us all a favor and took his genes out of the pool by biting him right on the nose, and he died before his buddy could power back to shore.

[Hat tip: Slutwench]

Posted by Daniel Radosh


I feel so MOR. Thanks War Nerd!

The darwin awards are here:
- Wendy

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