Radosh.net

Look, Timmy! Now you won't have to imagine there's a bogeyman in your closet anymore!

And he'll have us for dinner next Christmas. If he hasn't been electrocuted.

I should really get Edgar to blow out those candles, before wax starts dripping on someone's poor head.

"look, johnny. your innocent father has been released from guantanamo, where he was mistakenly imprisoned. since he had no way to argue his innocence, he was held there for four years. he is in restraints and a hannibal lecter mask because he's been relentlessly tortured. he's basically been rendered insane -- he'll probably need to stay in that straightjacket forever to prevent him from attacking you or your sister. happy holidays."

"Ooooh, look who's here, Tommy! Yes! It's Santa!... I mean, Satan!"

"See what happens, Paulie, when a little boy asks for a 'dolly' for Christmas? OK, then."

"Noooo, I didn't order a psychopath... did you, Timmy? No? Cheryl? No? Oh - I know, the dog must've ordered it!"

"What on earth is going on here? I could swear that tree was eight feet tall when we bought it!"

"Oh, you bought me a golem! How sweet! But you know I've converted to Christianity, honey."

"Look, Timmy, your life-sized Bernie Parent action figure is here! Doesn't that make you just the slightest bit less sullen?"

"With an eyeless facial expression like that you'd be a good delivery boy someday, Timmy."

"Oh look, Roddy, the new model from Rossum's is here. I'm sure this year there won't be any bloodthirsty genocidal massacres. I still miss your father. Especially during the holidays."

"You better look a little more excited or I'll cut off the rest of your hair, Tanya."

Predicted Real-Life Winner: "According to the catalogue it went to Vassar."

"Yes, we are a lesbian couple raising our son, and yes, I am the butch. Speaking of stereotypes, you two delivery men appear to be identical twin ape-like hominids."

"...so yes, Virginia, Bobby, Rex... there is a Charles Addams! And to prove it, I had some nice men dig him up and bring him over for Christmas."

My lawyer worked with his lawyer and we modified the restraining order so that your father could spend Christmas dinner with us. You better start faking the smiles like I am because now that I see him, I don't really trust those buckles. I remember last year and I don't want to lose another son. Now start clapping you little shit.

"You're going to have to wait a few more years for your inflatable love-mate, sweetie. In the meantime this will have to do."

"Sure, I'll sign. She's not home right now, but I'm her neighbor, and I'll make sure she gets it. Happy Holidays!"

My 2 1/2 year old is sitting in my lap right now as I type. She just said to me, "The man is pushing the stroller, right?" This works better than my previous entry.

"Well, it looks like you were right-- that is the angel of death above the door. Guess I'm out one first-born son!"

"Yes, I got you that 'Hannibal Rising' life-sized action figure you wanted, even though, personally, I feel the franchise is out of creative juice."

"You may not know this,Timmy, but we're trapped in a Lee Lorenz cartoon. I can tell because he pissed his signature in the snow under our little tree. But that's alright because Mr. Lorenz was once honored -- way back in 1995 -- with the National Cartoonist Society's 'Gag Cartoon Award.' So, he must know what he is doing, right?"

Bring in the gimp.

"As you know, you go out and play with the life-sized action figure you have. Not the life-sized action figure you might want or wish to have at a later time. Okay, dear?"

"You know, this reminds me of a movie I saw many years ago but can't remember the na ..., oh wait, it was Hello Dolly."

"Oh, I'm so excited! It's going to be our gift to the nice Chinese couple who just moved in next door."

THE NEW YORKER performed the hat-trick again.

Hey, a cigarette tree!

"And, just to be safe, we're going down to the pound and get a whole bunch of puppies!"

"It's an automated tutor! No more 'The dog ate my homework!' "

"I see Aunt Margaret went more figurative with her holiday fruitcake this year."

"I wrote him a letter in jail. He wrote me back. One thing led to another. And I'm just so happy we're going to be a family again!"

"You know that 'Buy it now' button they have on eBay Hollywood memorabilia auctions? Well, the tabby hit it so I say we feed Whiskers to him first."

"And on Christmas morning, you get to take off his mask and see if it's Sir Anthony Hopkins."

"The Joneses next door may have Freddy Krueger in their guest room, but I think we're keeping up with them."

See, Timmy, I promised you it would arrive before Christmas.

Just a little something I ordered to keep the in-laws in line. I wonder when the severed body parts will be arriving.

The juxtaposition of a merry holiday like christmas and a restrained mad man strikes me as funny, don't you think kids?

Embarassed yet again by the awkward-timed arrival of yet another bizarre sex toy her husband bought, Maude swallowed the last of her pride, ignored her children's cutting sarcastic comments and pretended that the bush she dressed up as a christmas tree was Billy, the son in Iraq, who always made her proud. But, unbeknownst to maude and the children below, the angel on the lintel's drinking problem was getting so bad he had resorted to drinking yards of beer just to get over the montony of suburban life in Connecticut.

This was a christmas none would soon forget.

"Um... Um.... Trying to think of something funny.... Damn. I got nothing. Guess Christopher Hitchens is right."

"Oh isn't this lovely, our brand-new Secretary of Defense - let's clear a space for him in front of the cameras."

"Remember, the wages of sin are death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord (Romans 6:23)."

"Really, now, there's no need to be such party-poopers. Doctor Phil made it quite clear this all would in your best interest."

"Delivery from Scared Straight Stocking Stuffers."

"Look honey, someone sent us a topical joke from 1991!"

“You mean the $89 wasn’t just for the hand truck? I could swear the ad said psychopath sold seperately.”

"...and just think, Timmy, this is only the first delivery from
the 'Scare-You-Shitless-Each-Month-Club.'"

Just remember, Timmy, to put him back in the cage when you’re done playing with him.”

"I told you Daddy would make it home for Christmas! Unfortunately, he can't stay long, as he's in the middle of delivering a prisoner."

"It's your daddy, Caleb. I had him exhumed. Remember that tantrum you had when I told you that he was dead and he couldn't be here for Christmas? and you started breaking things, kicking the dog, and screaming 'I don't care if he's dead, I want my daddy home for Christmas, not you, you old cow'? "

"Yes, Virginia, Miggs can smell your cunt."

“Ooooh, Timmy. You know we always wait ‘til Christmas morning
to remove the restraints.

"Well Timmy...Do you still think playing with dolls is 'faggy'?

Can't you see that we already have a gigantic christmas tee, why we would we also need a teeny tiny one?

"No, Mom...you idiot. PS3 doesn't stand for Play Scarecrow 3!"

"Billy, just be thankful for two wise men delivering Frankenstein and myrrh."

"Mrs. Dahmer, just tell Jeffrey not to open him up till Christmas."

Just think of it like a big doll that walks and talks...okay...okay...AND eats human flesh.

You have the New Yorker to thank for driving your father insane. No matter how many hilarious quips he sent into their Cartoon Caption Contest, the Editors always seemed to select only really lame ones. I guess he just couldn't take it anymore.

NOW do you understand why we added human entrails to our Christmas cookies?

There is no Santa, but there sure as hell are real monsters!

"Mother, why do you bother? The only thing he plays with anymore is his sticky little wiener."

Which one of you ordered the Fava bean-stuffed Hanibal the Cannibal pinata?

In addition to Santa Claus and and Larry the Hanukkah Latke,
this year I've also invited Karl the Kwanzaa Clown.

"Yes, please put Michael Richards right over there by our Kwanzaa bush."

[I swear I did not see Joe's Kwanzaa caption before posting mine.]

"Because Carl here is under 18, you'll have to sign for his New Yorker contest prize, Mrs. Gable."

"Mother, you're looking more and more like that old Spy Magazine separated at birth Mary Tyler Moore and The Joker thingy every fucking day."

"And, he's so agreeable, Billy. For Christmas dinner he wants what everybody else is."

Next time I'll know better and choose 2nd Day Air over Ground when shopping at HalloweenOverstock.com

"I'm sorry but I'm having your father committed. I know both of you will probably associate each Christmas for the rest of your lives with this horrible moment when he was just wheeled away, but I really had no choice. And, please, forgive my joy. I am only happy because maybe now we can start to rebuild our lives."

looks like somebody will have plenty of bones to bury in the back yard now! merry christmas, spot!

To answer your question, Billy, he's your new dad because, Mommy is dumpy, middle-aged, divorced, undersexed and has to take what she can get.

"We're on the Island of Miscreant Toys..."

"Lisa, your monster bong is here."

Now that she's single, I found your sister a good Christian to date through the Pastor's prison outreach dating program.

"Looks like the Department of Defense got your letter! I only hope the electrodes arrive before Christmas."

See, Timmy, that man WAS Kris Kringle, just like he said. We should never have ever doubted him.

See, Timmy, he WAS Kris Kringle, just like he said. We should never have doubted him.

"I'm sorry, there must be some mistake. I don't know or want anybody who looks like that around me or my family on Christmas Eve. Please go away before I call the police."

Wizzle wuzzle?

Billy kept wishing for a new Dad for Christmas, and God kept getting it wrong.

"We'll just take the tree, thank you"

"Guess who's coming to dinner, little lamb chop?"

Kanin able? Discuss.

"And he doesn't like to eat vegetables either, Bobby."

"Ramirez was taken, Gacy can't ship for 6 weeks, and Bundy is dead. It's 2 days before Christmas, and this is the best I can do you little creep!"

"I made myself a promise that I would never say anything bad about your daddy, but I will say that he's a surprisingly effective advocate for fathers' rights. Also, be sure to come back after the holiday with some of that delicious Chex Mix he likes to make."

A very merry anti-joke to all:

"Didn't I promise Daddy would come home from Iraq in time for Christmas?"

"Actually, dear-heart, it's spelled P-H-I-L-I-A. Sometimes Mommy craves a man's cold embrace."

"Kids, remember when I told you about the miscarriage I had when I was fifteen? Guess who survived after all!"

"Children, I just knew Joan Rivers would accept my invitation!"

"Your father's been in a horrible accident, but he's home now and if we can cash in on a huge lawsuit, we'll remeber this as the best Christmas ever."

"It says 'FRA-GI-LE' so it must be imported from Italy."

"They're canvassing new Republican presidential candidates already and this one polls even better than dear Mr. Bush."

"Did you buy a mail-order
bride named Hannah Bulektor?"

"Sure, bring him in and throw him on the trashpile in the living room along with the the little Christmas tree- we need to
spruce up the place."

I saw it in a New Yorker cartoon and just had to get one for you!

"Oh good, we can start dinner; Anne Coulter/John McCain/Joseph Goebbels/Lord Lucan/Jerry van Dyke is here!"

He's a soldier in the War on Christmas who ate the baby Jesus. But as I always say, "Fava beans and forgiveness are divine."

"Sir, it is in very bad taste to offer my mother a cigarette with her mile-wide trache staring you right in the face."

"Just because we no longer NEED a babysitter Tommy, doesn’t mean we won’t hire one just for fun now and then!"

"Honestly lady, I don't understand why you put a nail right through that angel's heart."

"Finally your Nintendo Wii controller replacement is here, now stop asking me what happened to the original one."

"Another corps resulting from eating my grandma's samees? Some days I just hate being Rachel Ray!"

"At last, the final piece has arrived to complete my life-sized Silence of the Lambs collection."

"I'll sign in one second, I just can't pass up this opportunity to fart right when my son is directly in the impact zone"

My wife's a slut!

"No, I didn't order a Ghost of Christmas Past. That must be for the Scrooges, two houses down."

"Why The Big Nose?" It's theft, Radosh. Check your records.

"Well Billy, I kept up my end of the deal. Now go get your shovel and find us a suitable brain."

Mom, I said "Halloween", not "Friday the 13th!" God!

"Fraternal greeting to the peoples of socialist nations! Let develop and strengthen the peaceful system of socialism --deciding force of the anti-imperialist struggle, the bulwark of peace, democracy, and social progress!"

"It's good what you did....it's good that you turned your father into a lifeless zombie when he corrected your table manners....now wish it into the corn field."

I know it's not what you wanted but when he resigned as Defence Secratary he had no place to go.

Stitchface always knew he was different. Ever since he was little and other children never wanted to play with him. Over the years, though, he worked hard, going to law school and rising to the top of his profession, despite all the jokes and mean comments he heard people whispering behind his back. The one thing he was never successful in obtaining, however, was a family. No matter how many wonderful like-minded women he won over with his witty intellect and kindhearted affability, it always ended the same way, with the woman in tears, torn apart she was breaking up with him for no other reason than out of worry that if she didn't, their kids might have stitchfaces as well. As he got older and financially secure enough that he didn't have to work, Stitchface grew more and more reclusive. The Holidays were always a grand affair. With nothing but time on his hands, he constructed a stage set in his backyard, worthy of a Hollywood production. Every detail, right down to the painted wooden people cutouts, meticulously hand carved. Stitchface would strap himself down like he was some monster, and in the fantasy he played over and over in his head, would be dumped off on some random doorstep because not even the Institution, where he imagined he lived, wanted a freak like him around anymore. But then the family that was home, taking a look to see what was going on, and conveniently devoid of any male head of household, would fall in love with him at first sight, signing for his release and demanding he be removed from his shackles immediately. And then once inside, where it was warm, each of the kids would hug one of his legs and say, "oh, Stitchface, we're so happy you're here", while the lady of the manor took his coat and asked if he wanted a drink before dinner. Then the kids would whisk him upstairs to show him their rooms and play video games, before they all sat down to a fabulous Holiday feast, where they'd discuss politics, and whether they were going to open up their presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. Afterwards, they'd sit down on the sofa as a family and watch 'It's a Wonderful Life', or 'Miracle on 34th Street', while the dog curled up at his feet. Then reality usually came crashing through and Stitchface would hear the real life carolers going door to door, singing. The moment of truth drawing near. They'd stop in front of his residence and he'd hear the familiar hum of somber deliberation followed by the inevitable footsteps as they passed over his house, fear ultimately winning out over pity. And that's when the tears would really start to flow, with Stitchface cursing the day he was born. How many more years, he thought, could he possibly be expected to go on like this before just giving up? Two? Three? Ten? Only the God who made him this way knew for sure.

"His name is Kevin, and his safe word is 'tangerine'. And maybe if you take care of him well enough, one day, we'll get you a puppy!"

"Thank God, finally. Billy, go set the table, our Christmas dinner has arrived."

"This year, I thought we'd try eating a turduckenman. It's a duck inside a chicken inside a turkey inside a... well, you've probably figured out the last part."

"Well, I couldn't very well disinvite Congressman Foley from Christmas dinner, but I did put some conditions on his joining us."

No Billy, coal is only for the naughty boys, not very, very bad boys like you.

Look honey, the people who came to take Daddy away put out their cigarettes in our tree. How festive!

Look honey, the people who came to take Daddy away put out their cigarettes in our tree. How festive!

Is that Stitchface from the Sheboygan Stitchfaces? I think I went to college with his cousin.

"You're not much of a watchdog, Sparky- a little bark at these strangers wouldn't hurt- but I guess we'll keep ya."

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings, downs a yard of ale and announces the arrival of a savior."

"As told in ancient story of the Nativity, we will find room at the inn- in our home and our hearts- for this lowly wayfarer. And come Christmas morning we will be freed from our sins and our corrupt bodies as our very flesh and blood nourish the redeemer. Now up to bed, you two, and I'll tuck you in."

"His name is John David and when he summited a rabbling nearly incoherent caption that when on forever, we decided to have him carted away. If he has any sense of shame, you won't see him anymore."

Did I say "John David"? I ment "David John"

And did I say "When on forever"? I ment "Went on forever"

(Sure I fucked up, but at least I didn't go on and on forever--like what's his name)

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

I asked him 'would you fuck me? I'd fuck me,' and he said Yes.

And did I say "And did I say 'When on forever'? I ment 'Went on forever.'? I meant to say 'And did I say 'And did I say "When on forever"? I MEANT to say "Went on forever."'"

"We don't want the neighbors to think we're psychophobes, now do we, Zachary?"

Went do we find out who wins? I can't wait until Sunday.

"A stitchface in time saves nine, Timmy."

"Now do you get it, kids? When I said your father 'went on forever,' I didn't mean he was overly talkative - I meant this!"

"Bicycle, bi-psycho - what's the difference, Bobby?"

"So, I got to thinking, what could Brown do for us this Christmas."

"Mother, you know I love being part of a family of ghouls and necromancers, but even I think we should draw the line at poor old Ray Bolger."

The man said to be sure to clip the stitches before you try ramming your tongue down his throat.

"Look, Timmy, Santa brought you just what you asked for: A digital clock embedded in snow with '09:40 AM' frozen in time."

Oh my dear children - you look so surprised! Don't you remember when I told you that Santa knows who's been naughty or nice? Did you think that I was f@#*king making that up? My poor naive darlings...

Now bring him in.

"Ready for yet another unfortunate event?"

"I hope you appreciate this one, children--it wasn't easy to exhume, substitute, and FedEx Peter Boyle's corpse in time for the holiday!"

J--You beat me to the punch with the Charles Addams line.

santa i wnat s monster tr5uck for dschtristmeas can i havbeonr io want otit realllrealy bsdd

does your family believe in his legal right to marry? sign this petition and spread the christmas spirit.

It looks like kris kringle finally flew over the coo coo's nest. By a show of hands, who wants to cancel Christmas this year?

It looks like even NAMBLA isn't above re-gifting.

"Remember when I said, 'What is more likely to happen-the Cubs winning the World Series or a monster being delivered to
our house on Christmas Day?'"

"Free shipping, next-day-air, and a money back guarantee if he's not entirely satisfied."

"Oooh, I know I'm so old fashion, but I long for the days when Santa rode in a sleigh pulled by reindeer."

"Bows? Isn't patent leather gay enough?"

Its true -- Fido has won World's Strongest Miniature Schnauzer for five years running. Between you and me, its the anabolic milk-bones.

Look what happens when you listen to too much Huckapoo!

We couldn't afford Doctor 90210 for Grammy. She really does look younger though.

"Mrs. Meta, would you wipe that stupid smile off your face and sign the goddamn invoice already? We've been standing here since December 18th."

"Hardly the way to commemorate the birth of our saviour!"

He had a hat.

"He doesn't like the blue sweater."

"I can't believe my son, the cannibal, would forget the cream cheeese!"

"...so, Miss Kitty lies back under the tree by the meadow, with no clothes on, spreads her legs, and says, 'OK, Chester, GO TO TOWN!' ...., and, well, HERE I AM, Mr. Dillon!"

"Oh, Mother, Michael Alig is so five minutes ago."

"It's a 'silent knight', Billy, get it?"

"Something macabre for Christmas. How ironic."

"No, sweetie, it's not adjustable. Rigor has set in."

"Looks like you may have been stiffed by Santa. But on closer inspection, you really were."

Mr. Mortem gave us his mansion for Christmas! What a kind and charitable man he is! You should all grow up like him.

"Think of it as Meals On Wheels, Bobby."

"You're not just rare, Billy, you're extra-rare!"

"It's all part of the Baltimore Institute for the Criminally Insane's new outreach program, Tommy."

"So you see, children, when you say that Mommy's dancing is 'stiffer than James Brown' it's not true. Not true at all."

don't forget billy: although mommy loves you, snitches get stitches.

"Why, this must be the brain-dead idiot that picked 'My name is Damien Hirst, and I come from the future!'"

"I just need to challenge his smart-alecky 'tedious fumblings in the backseats of cars' remark, so I can have some closure, Timmy."

Aren't you going to say hello to your new daddy?

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, too. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Timmy a dull boy, too. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Ten Days. Ten freakin' days. That's how long I have been standing out here freezing my ass off with this stupid smile on my face while looking at this hideous monster. For the love of God, will they pick a winner already??...oh I'm sorry darling that slipped out. Okay, here goes: Look Timmy, your play-date is here.

"Is name is Damien Hirst, he comes from the future...and best of all he is not a negro!"

No he wasn't actually elected, but he is widely credited with healing the country at a difficult time. So we had him stuffed and we're going to put him in the den.

"Sorry kids, I really believed inviting a homeless person into our house and giving him a kitten for Christmas would bring a life lesson much less horrific than, 'homeless people like to eat kittens.'"

"Okay son, now watch where he puts that thing."

"As part of the Bush administrations "No single mother left behind," we are delivering your government-appointed husband."

Where do you want him, Lyndie?

Admit it kids, you two didn't think your old mom could did up a date for New Year's Eve.

(Now with out the type-o:)

Admit it kids, you two didn't think your old mom could dig up a date for New Year's Eve.

ever since the polar ice cap melted and the reindeers went on the endangered species list, Santa has been overseeing all of the deliveries himself despite his lack of sanity, with the help of the ogres that have now replaced the elves. What can I say, kids, we live in uncertain times.

Mam, the fact that the rim of my hat appears to be resting on the brim of my nose really is not that funny......mam?

"Don't just stand there, Bobby. Run and get the Dr, Chilton monogrammed pen that arrived on Tuesday!"

" Dr. Lecter was the only one making housecalls, Billy. All the other physicians are on vacation this time of year."

"Why yes, Tommy, it's a Saddam ornament. Let's hang him on the tree."

See? Santa wasn't electrocuted. He was given a lethal injection on his favorite luge sled. Speaking of execution, Kevin, isn't this a wonderfully executed drawing in which we find ourselves? Lorenzville is so much nicer than Crawfordsville.

"Just sign it, lady. Two former Heads of State, a music legend, and an underrated third base All-Star have died in the time we've been out here."

This must be the guy who was hanging with Saddam

It is amazing how many political references can be directly abstaracted from this situation.

"No, Bobby, definitely not the type of serial you add bananas to and pour milk over."

"The good news is, you won't wake up horrified to find coal in your stockings this year. The bad news is, this man's name is Cole."

"The delivery of this corpse to our doorstep on this sacred night reminds me that I tend to agree with those who have concluded that Nazis have taken over the U.S. government, ever since Kennedy threatened to dismantle the military-industrial-intelligence complex and they blew him away in broad daylight and got away with it. Ironic, isn't it, that a saint like JFK and a thug like Saddam should both be killed by the same shadowy forces?"

Yes I realize he's creepy and he's kooky, mysterious and spooky..but it's New Year's Eve, kids, and mommy needs to get herself laid.

[Happy New Year to all my fellow anti-captionites.]

"Well kids after all that time Radosh has delivered us another stiff."