December 3, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #78

Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details Click here for details.


Winner: "If I were a contestant on Deal or No Deal, I'd tell Howie that I was going to select the models in order from the skinniest to the fattest. Then I'd watch all the pretty girls cry." —Kevin G

Bonus: How the finalists were chosen.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"Did ya hear John Bolton resigned?"

"I think we BOTH can fit through those bars."

"I hate when the blankets don't cover your feet."

What? It's like you've never seen two giants have sex in a prison before. For a peeping Tom you aren't very worldly.

"Baby, you put the 'jugs' in 'conjugal visit'!"

"You were right, Rocco: I'd never seen a prison with a Murphy bed -- and it WAS a huge turn-on!"

"I think we should start anal-raping other people."

Well, you can thank Sen. Brownback, who just announced he was running for president. Otherwise, you would be fucking some rotten-toothed meth-head sent up on a Rock law infraction.

"Thanks for being content with my boyish androgyny. If you made me wear make-up and a dress I'd kill myself."

"I'm tired of these columns. They're pretty, but they just aren't practical."

"Look at him staring at us through the bars of his crib. I wonder what he's thinking?"

"Yes, it's small, but at least it's rent-controlled."

"This is bad! I mean really BAD!!! I mean really disgustingly BAD!!! B-fucking- A-fucking-D BADDD!!!!! Like DAB backwards BAD!!! Bad x 1000!!! BAD-ASS-BAD!!! So BAD it's not even BETTER!!! It's not even funny how bad it is."

"Sorry, but you were a lot better when the laws of visual perspective still applied."

"Tonight, why don't I be Eva Marie Saint and YOU be Cary Grant in the Pullman car scene in 'North by Northwest'?"

"So, I know this is lame pillow talk, especially considering we're incarcerated, but have you noticed how the artists for the New Yorker caption contest aren't even trying anymore?"

"So, in retrospect, this role-playing wasn't that sexy. Sorry for making you spend so much money renovating the apartment."

"You know what we need? Slippers."

We're in prison for breaking the laws of physics and gravity. And smoking indoors.

"marriage is like prison."


"So, Otis, what time does Sheriff Taylor usual let you go?"

"My feet are cold."

"I don't know about you, but I have my eye on that 'Graybar Hotel' ashtray."

"This is the worst relationship/prison/drawing/physical condition I've ever been in."

"I'm so high I can't tell if my foot is sticking out that window or not."

"So there I was in Ibiza standing on the bar screaming til my face was blue about how much I hate female pubic hair and the next thing you know, zap, Gitmo. How about you, Bruce Willis?"

So, Sluggo and Peppermint Patty finally did it, eh? Truly, if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. So I assume she's saying "I can hear Jughead and Cathy having sex next door."

"Now that's what I call extraordinary rendition!"

"I hope you don't mind that I smoke after sex, Anne Coulter."

"Putting double-sided tape on our buttocks was a brilliant idea! I haven't accidentally slid feet-first out of bed in weeks."

"Who knew they'd have Dux beds in prison?'

NOTE: Please remember that observing the 5 entries or less rule makes my job easier and helps you focus on your best ideas. Thank you.

ME? The gramma police threw me in here when I said "5 entries or less." Obviously I should have said 'no more than 5 entries' or 'fewer than 6 entries.' Obviously.

"Look, isn't that the warden and my attorney in the cell across the way? Should we wave?"

"Wanna go again, or shoud we escape frst?"

"No, no, it's not you. It's just-- well, your stubble makes my clitoris really sore after a while. I should have said something sooner, I guess."

"I never thought I'd say this, but... being locked up here gives me new respect for P.C. Vey's mastery of perspective."

Please tell our idiot partners they need to be face DOWN in our crotches to be effective.

I can see why the artist made his signature illegible.

"And that is why they call me the 'chicken man' of Alcatraz. It has nothing to do with poultry."

"Somewhere there are smug sophisticates laughing at our predicament."

"My sleep number is 3. Thanks for asking. Ah, that's much better."

"Help! We're trapped inside a prison of bad perspective!"

And I still have FOUR left to focus on... HA HA HA, sucks to be you, Tim H! (Oh wait, did that count as one?)

Not a new entry but a correction. For "Bruce Willis" above read "Danny DeVito."

"You were an English teacher on the outside, right? Is it ironic they gave me a female cellmate, considering I'm in for rape, or just coincidental?"

Buck up, man, it happens to everyone once in a while. Take these next 15 years to work on that problem. And while you're at it, use that time to get used to me taking care of myself if you are going to lie there all limp-dicked and forlorn.

I know who I was when I got up in the morning, But I'm pretty sure I've been changed been changed a few times since then. I can't explain myself, I'm afraid...because I'm not myself you see...what are we smoking anyway?

Worst possible caption:

Mom, we have to stop meeting like this.

"I wish I hadn't traded our mattress for that pack of cigs."

Hey, I can see my house from here!

"Hey, we both have ten toes!!"

For years it's doubtlessly crossed all our minds, and now at last the question is realized on paper: What if M.C. Escher were just really, really, really bad at drawing?

"I wouldn't mind the bed being angled right into the window, if it weren't for that goddamn floodlight right out there."

"When the Red Cross gets here, I'm going to complain that this woman lying in my bed smoking offends my strict Muslim beliefs, and that my cell is totally out of perspective."

Don't be fooled by the badly-drawn perspective. I'm still Jenny from the block.

Are those my feet, or has that psychopath who arranges severed human feet way down at the end of people's beds been here again?

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, for starters. Why?"

"What else can you do?"

No, it's not just the perspective. You really do have a small penis.

"Wow honey, that was surreal."

You call THAT a Lethal Injection?

"Thanks. And I was here just visiting my brother."

"Well, dear, the afterglow could be affected BECAUSE WE'RE IN PRISON!"

"If we put the bed the other way, the blood could rush to your head, if you catch my drift."

"Don't worry-it probably happens all the time to real men who've been in prison for 277 days and haven't been with a woman."

"What? I don't hear anything."

I'm just your non-emotionally anchored boy-toy & you're just a badass prison plaything I use for my own orally fixated gratification ... just like I use this cigarette. The fact that we have so much in common, like not being able to tolerate having our feet under the covers and elevating the headboard to avoid GERD, doesn't change a thing, believe me.

The widely spaced configuration of the bars is conducive to allowing this cigarette smoke to escape, so don't worry about "second-hand smoke." Besides, what do you want? Eiderdown quilts and breakfast in bed or me having a nicotine fit? You know we made our choices when we got here.

If we knock out the wall where the ineffectual bars are, we can put in a "chef's kitchen" complete with granite countertops and a Viking Range.

Well, Timmy ... "Timmy" is your cartoon prison name, isn't it? Oh that's right, you said you couldn't get it up unless I called you "Tommy."

I can't believe this "Worst Possible Caption" writer contestant is gonna blow #5 entry with this run-on claptrap -- their last shot at gaining attention for their under- appreciated extraordinary wit and command of the English language -- even if they do use "hyphens" way too much -- but how do you control the larger, real-life world of Meat-Beings beyond those bars? They do what they please and they make us look like fools and I'm sick of it.

It still felt gay to me.

relax hon- everyone gets buyer's remorse.

I like "tossing the salad".

"Omigod, Frank, I think I figured out the visual conundrum we're imprisoned in! I leaned over and looked through those bars on the door, and you know what I saw in there? A tiny couple with a post-coital cigarette in a tilted-up bed!"

"Blah, blah, blah" - Carl Gable.

"The equation for center of gravity? I think it's sigma d W divided by sigma W where d is the distance to the datum and W is the weight."

"Y'know, for 99.9 percent of the world's women, 'I can smell your cunt' is a lousy pickup line. How'd you know I was part of the .1 percent?"

"Honey, you're so good, it should be against the law. Much like wire fraud, which is why you're here."

"Perhaps, had this been a typical scene, audiences wouldn't have been so indifferent to a movie titled 'Let's Go to Prison'."

Fifty years ago I'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass.

"Well, it's been a lovely evening, except for when you Krazy-Glued a pair of drinking glasses to both sides of your head."

Marriott really screws you over when you use Rewards points, don't they?

"I really like your left jab."

"My bad. I thought they said this was a penis institution."

"Really bad Feng Shui, Lester. The bed should be facing the door."

Prison just ain't the same when the sex is consensual.

I never noticed...I only have four toes on my right foot.

"I don't get it. Nothing happens in the fifth panel."

They call it surviving, I call it love.

"I'd kill for a cigarette."

"So, where do you think we should go on our honeym-- oh, right. Never mind."

"You never take me anywhere."

"It's surprising how few people really notice what's going on beneath their feet in the storm drains."

"You're a sweet man, Lester, but I am starting to feel a little trapped."

"By the way, I am not YOUR bitch. You are MY bitch."

"Nice apartment. Small, but cozy. Great for these afternoon rendezvous. Hey, is that a video camera hidden in the heating vent?"

God I wish this would become a smoke-free building so we'd have to go outside to puff.

"Next time I sign up for one of these grad school psych experiments, I think I'd rather be one of the guards who gets to slowly disintegrate into fascist dementia and sadism. How about you?"

(I'm sorry to revive the default caption, but it actually pertains here...)

"Go fuck yourself."

Who did you have to blow to get a smoking room?

After a long night of drinking, Danny Devito wakes up and wonders how he wound up in jail with Taylor Hanson.

"So I says to Mabel, I says..."

"I wonder how Meridith Vieira is doing at my old job."

"Congratulations, Daniel Radosh, on the well-deserved recognition, and thanks for the Newsweek article. The extra level of irony of your brilliant Anti-Caption contest often makes it chocolate-milk-squirting-out-of-your-nose funny. I've often thought that many of the entries I read here would be better submitted to the New Yorker contest though, as they are clever and humorous in a conventional way, nothing anti- about them. I myself am a finalist for the week whose results will be announced on Dec. 11 (grand piano in corporate boardroom) for a caption I never would have submitted here. Now that I learn it was chosen out of 7,000 I guess I should be, I dunno, impressed? I've been having fun in your AntiCapCon for a few months now -- my first effort was chosen as a finalist, and I was honored to have won a few weeks ago, and those captions I would never have sent to the New Yorker. Of course I have no objectivity about my ideas -- just screwing around -- but intuitively I think I have the gist of what goes where. I guess I should be totally ashamed that The New Yorker nominated my entry, as I agree their winners do massively suck. As I am a social whore, however, I am reveling in the random comments from well-wishers, so fuck that."
[cred. Anonymous]

"I bet no one can tell that those are my feet on your side of the bed and that your feet are on my side of the bed, and that we are both even taller than we at first appear."

"I guess we shouldn't have eaten our baby."

"This bed is hanging crooked, so I can't sleep and am smoking a cigarette. Furthermore the kids have been down there for ages and I think they've stopped moving, so that's got me a little anxious as well."

"Remember, Honey, we're having the Aryans over tomorrow to fuck prags and play checkers."

"Norman Mailer would eat Charles Bukowski for breakfast!"

"If I were a contestant on Deal or No Deal, I'd tell Howie that I was going to select the models in order from the skinniest to the fattest. Then I'd watch all the pretty girls cry."

I'm feeling rather presidential today -- getting screwed with no exit strategy.

Oh crap, we're gonna be busted, I forgot to take the battery out of the smoke alarm again...

"I'm not gay or anything, but this was always my biggest fantasy on the outside, except I imagined you would be a muscular black man with an enormous penis."

Christ, what an asshole.

It was just a little trans-fat!

"This is our future, K-Fed.
I got my outfit planned for when we'd get outta here, and it does NOT include panties!"

"The bars are never open around here."

"I'm not shavin' 'down there' until you lose the stubble, Bubba. I may smell like old cheese, but I don't want you to be the grater."

"We may be solemates, soulmates and cellmates, but our New Yorker caption will still be lame as hell."

"I thought you were from Penn State, but then again I'm dyslexic."

"This is our future, K-Fed.
I got my outfit planned for when we'd get outta here, and it does NOT include panties!"

"The bars are never open around here."

"I'm not shavin' 'down there' until you lose the stubble, Bubba. I may smell like old cheese, but I don't want you to be the grater."

"We may be solemates, soulmates and cellmates, but our New Yorker caption will still be lame as hell."

"I thought you were from Penn State, but then again I'm dyslexic."

"This is our future, K-Fed.
I got my outfit planned for when we'd get outta here, and it does NOT include panties!"

"The bars are never open around here."

"I'm not shavin' 'down there' until you lose the stubble, Bubba. I may smell like old cheese, but I don't want you to be the grater."

"We may be solemates, soulmates and cellmates, but our New Yorker caption will still be lame as hell."

"I thought you were from Penn State, but then again I'm dyslexic."

"Tom, I don't care what they called you back in your Washington days...'Delay' is actually more fitting than 'The Hammer.'

Heyyyyyy, that's fifteen captions from you by my count. Officer!

Man, I can't believe I just used up my last comment on an in-joke that was ill-timed.

"I just realized, this is the first year we won't be there to see our kids open up their presents Christmas morning."

"...penny for your thoughts?"

"If you're hoping to have another conjugal visit, I'd suggest you work on your game."

"And they say I'm soft on crime."

"Now you know why I was the FBI's most wanted "

"Place your hands behind your head and step away from my body."

I just shit myself.

"I can't watch the movie with you tomorrow in the rec room. They're transferring me to the AIDS ward first thing in the morning. Also, this might be a good time to mention, I have AIDS."

I hope they have the chocolate truffles on the dessert cart today.

"A 50 foot woman did what to you? What the HELL are you talkin' about?"

Why 5 submissions? Isn't that an arbitrary number? Why not 4? or 6? or 29?

"New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg once wrote "Make the customer think he's getting laid when he's really getting fucked." I found out the hard way that's not good advice when it comes to raping people literally."

Why 5 submissions? Isn't that an arbitrary number?

Yes it is. What, do you want me to calculate the best possible number for maximizing humorous submissions? Don't worry, I don't count, and I don't expect you to. I just want people to be aware that they should not be posting indiscriminately.

That was surprisingly good for a court-appointed attorney.

"This could be the meth talking, but there seems to be midget clown down there, but not to worry, I just shot him. "

"I post indiscriminately. Figured it'd be okay--I mean everyone does it, right? Turns out radosh was wearing a wire."

"Three days, and I've yet to see a single fireman slide down."

"I hear if you haven't killed four or more people, you get a much more comfortable cot that isn't as hard to climb into."

"You know my hockey coach used to say I couldn't score in a women's prison...boy was he wrong."

"Now you know why I was the FBI's most 'wanted'."

There were those who laughed when I chose this over reading Lindsay Lohan's ramblings, but I prefer to waste my time fucking than waste my fucking time.

I should have told you I was menstruating so much before you performed oral sex on me here in prison. Tissue?

I really would have liked you to wait for our spinal-separation surgery before you scalped Mankoff for not publishing your "How!" caption.

"Next time keep the foreplay to 250 words or less."

You've got a small shiv.

"Years from now, when you talk about this, and you will, don't lisp."

"I'm offended that they always portray the president as a white male."

Anal sex? Where'd you get THAT idea?

"Gloria Steinem couldn't carry Anne Coulter's jockstrap!"

"That was conjugal."

"Honey, you put the 'con' in conjugal...." [apologies to gary]

"Okay, it's true. I'm the one who farted."

"We are prisoners of our passion, which burns almost as brightly as my Tiparillo."

"Wow, Pinch, you really meant it when you said The New York Times was gonna take care of Judith Miller during her prison stay."

"You know what this reminds me of? A cartoon I once saw in The New Yorker."

Don't tell Charlie Brown, okay?

"Slide the toilet out from under the bed, will ya? I've gotta go really bad!"

I bet you say that to all the girls you sleep with... and then stalk outside their house and murder.

Now watch.. when I move my left foot, both our heads move..

"Hey, look, a joke about two prison inmates and neither one is black, what are the odds of THAT?"

"So who's the bitch NOW?"

Howie said I couldn't take the model AND the case. I'd been better off with just the case.

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2