November 26, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #77

Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.


"Remember, Bobby, all women are monsters." —J

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"All right son, now watch where she puts the car."

"This is as good a time as any, Billy, to talk about the birds and the bees."

"And that, Billy, is why we put glass ceilings in all our factories."

"Your mother always said I needed a map to find her clitoris, but this is ridiculous."

"I'd love to park my Daewoo in THOSE LeGanzas, if you know what I mean! Oh, right, you're only five. What I meant was I'd like to have sexual intercourse with that massive woman's breasts."

"I know, I know, but the Koreans are doing it, too."

Wow! Not only is this room more detailed than our world, but even that giant woman outside has a level of shading and definition that we've never seen before. After this, I don't see how I can live in Toontown anymore.

"Well, let's see. 50 divided by 3.28 comes out to 15.2438572948391638295531394 meters, give or take a .000000132479356, Timmy."

"Yep, it's a flat screen. Pretty amazing, isn't it?"

"I just love these holiday displays. "Evrolet" outdoes himself every year."

"Even our Dear Leader, the invincible Sun of the 21st Century, Kim Jong-il must find it ironic that his finest film yet, Madeline Albright, Beautiful Devastator of the Imperialist Soul, is best viewed on a South Korean LG 100-inch plasma."

"Uh-oh, Tommy - looks like mommy finally got sick and tired of our using the whole back patio for our G-scale factory display."

"Heh. I love one-way mirrors. Now we can finally see if the factory-themed bidet is a hit or not."

"Someday, son... all this will be completely and totally destroyed by that enormous sexpot."

"You're right, Tommy, she DOES look like Maureen Dowd -- on a good day."

"How incredibly lucky that today is the one day I happened to bring my dildo costume to work!"

"Hurricanes certainly are a lot more enjoyable now that they are both named after and incarnated as women!"

"You wait here -- I'm going to go try and climb inside that massive vagina."

"Christ. First the fiasco with the whipped-cream-covered cars, now this. Sometimes, it seems like Detroit is cursed."

"And that, m'boy, is where automobiles come from."

Well, son, sometimes a male perversion of nature that is patently impossible but still attributed to radation feels like it is actually a female perversion of nature that is patently impossible but still attributed to radation trapped inside the body of a male perversion of nature that is patently impossible but still attributed to radation, and elects to become a 'cross dresser.'

"Don't worry, son: If that driver can find his keys, he can drive them all out of there."

"And that's why smokestacks smoke, son -- because they've just had sex. Now let me remotely disable my giant fembot and I'll see if I can answer your question about the sky being blue."

Now do you understand why the glass ceiling is an important institution?

"Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice. They all laughed when I said it would be via 50-foot redheaded bombshell. Hope there's still time to collect my winnings."

"Word is she's dating a submarine."

"She's hot."

"Just remember to watch out for her claw."

"This is why having a one way mirror is great."

"Do you also think she's coming on to me?"

"Yeah, I'd fuck her."

"God! Look at all the copyright violations!"

"Well, I guess Bill Ford did have a secret plan after all."

"You're right, Timmy, she's way taller than fifty feet. Figuring the car for roughly eighteen feet I'd say she must be 150 feet tall at least."

"Holy hell! It's your lucky day, Timmy; normally I'm all about little boys but I'll be damned if this giant woman hasn't stirred my loins."

"The views from those skylights are obscene!"

"Help me block the view of the Invisible Man in the chair, Timmy."

"Your mother will be joining us as soon as she finds a parking space."

"Yes, Timmy, it does seem odd that her clothing would also be increased in size by the gamma ray. I'll be sure and talk to the boys in the lab about that one."

"That's Doreen Gray. As she grows ever larger and more beautiful, her portrait, here to my left, becomes more and more hideous. It doesn't get smaller, though. Not sure why not."

"No, Timmy. I know what it looks like, but ladies don't fart."

"Smokin'! I refer, of course, to the industrial smokestacks visible in the distance."

"As you can see, an unfortunate side effect of the growth serum is the occasional incidence of right-hand deformity. But Daddy's working on it!"

"There is just nowhere to park in this town."

Yes, Timmy, this is indeed just as your grandfather -- my father -- or, as we fondly called him, Ol' Saggy-Tits-for-Eyes, whose portrait by Francis Bacon hangs to our left -- predicted, lo these many years ago.

She usually has a giant beer in her right hand but maybe she decided to not drink and drive today.

She'd be perfect if she just dropped a few pounds. Or maybe the car.

Why, that's a new Ford Crown Victoria!

No, Timmy, I didn't say anything about the smoke being stacked.

"Check out the size of her tits!"

...and we never have to call a cab again.

Now THAT's what I call autoeroticism!

"Ahhhh... this is what I call bliss. That's why I've titled it that, in cursive under the window."

I wanna be the junk in her trunk.

I'd like to park in her garage.

I'd like to rev her engines.

Get that gal a drip pan!

"Someday, my boy, this high-definition TV will be all yours. But not till I'm, like, dead."

"It's wonderful to see your sister's Bolognium-210 treatments starting to pay off."

"What do 50 ft. women want?"

"It takes years to develop rear suspension like that, Timmy."

"Whoa, here she comes. Watch out boy, she'll chew you up. Whoa, here she comes. She's Ann Coulter."

...and that cloud looks like a dragon!

Don't let the volumizing conditioner fool you, Timmy. Check out that big shiny forehead. In ten years she'll be as bald as I am.

Why are you here in my office? Shouldn't you be at school?

Looking at her makes me want to take a big bite of Suite 5-27 in Building G across the street.

"Her name is Allison Hayes, Billy. A decent actress and former Miss Washington D.C., she worked steadily in television through the 1960s, even had a small role in an Elvis movie. Unfortunately she died at age 47, probably renal failure, from mega-doses of calcium prescribed experimentally to ameliorate the effects of menopause. Tragic really."

"Huh? Sure! Of course I still love your mother. Of course I do. Very much."

"Well, she's no Daryl Hannah."

"I can't wait till she gets to the Washington Monument"

You can take your hands away form your ass, Timmy. She can't get the car in there.

No, actually we're not real.

"OH my FREAKIN' GOD! ...NOWWW I remember where I left my pen! Right next to that MEMO ON MY DESK! Yessss!"

"If she insists on masturbating each and every morning after the kids leave for school, I wish she'd use something other than toy cars from the model train set all us figurines have to live in."

Incredible! Even when I use my corporate-management powers to completely ignore perspective, context, and the broader picture, she's still sixty-five percent taller than I am!

"Enough with the Amazon already. Let me tell you about when your great-grandpa over here posed for 'The Scream'".

"Good job, Timmy. We'll call our new model the Chevy Vulva".

"Keep watching- we're about to witness a new kind of product placement."

"She's destroying the whole town! And, I can't even enjoy the erotic juxtaposition in a member of the fairer sex succumbing to naked physical aggression, because I'm gay."

"I guess Daryl Hannah hates that fucking John Mellencamp song too."


"Normally when I say I have a fetish for big women, I'm referring to women who are morbidly obese. But in this case I'm willing to make an exception."

"Hey, Timmy, would you mind my calling you 'Tommy'? I mean it just seems so demeaning in some odd way to always address, willy-nilly, any young boy in a cartoon circumstance with that stereotypical name, 'Timmy.'

"Now, about that humongous broad...."

(Thank you, Tim H., for the preceding.)

"Oh my God, this is the best dream I've ever had. Except, um, for the fact you're here. It kind of makes this weird and creepy. Why *are* you here, anyway? And who are you? And please tell me you don't represent my younger self, 'cause that'll really make this depressing and ruin everything for me."

"Everyone said Danny Thomas was a fool to build it, but it looks like his wildest fantasy is about to come true."

She dated the Jolly Green Giant for awhile but now she just picks up men in cars.

Talk about an "uncanny valley!" I'm referring, of course, to the phenomenon wherein virtual representations of human figures -- as in this new Attack of the 50-Foot Woman game for the PS3 that we're watching on my giant HD TV -- become more creepy as they approach, but never quite reach, verisimilitude. Also, her cleavage.

Oh, Timmy...uh, I mean Tommy, you shouldn't stare at half-dressed gargantuan women. It just isn't polite.

But that's impossible! If you look at the smoke and then look at her hair, you'll see the wind is blowing in two different directions.

Well Timmy, this appears to be a particularly opportune time to teach you how to rub one out.

Well Tommy, this appears to be a particularly opportune time to teach you how to rub one out.


I'll bet she has an enormous vagina.

My god, that's the scariest portrait I've ever seen. Oh yes, there's an enormous woman outside too.

You're right - I think she is about to take a dump on Mr Evrolet. And I don't want to know what she's going to do with the car.

"Of all the car joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine!"

"No Way! It's Like So Totally Christmas, Biotech"

"No Way! It's Like So Totally Christmas, Automotive Sector"

"I love you, son. I wanted you to know that before we're killed by this giantess."

"That's it! Our new slogan will be, 'See the USA in our gigantic snatch!'"

"No, wait - that's no good. Listen to this one: 'Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and 50-foot women!'"

"Like a rock?! More like, 'Like a 50-foot lady's bedonkadonk ass!'"

"And that's why you have to be precise when making a wish. Because you can tell the genii, 'I want a woman who's big all over--if you know what I mean.' And the genii can nod and say he knows what you mean. But trust me, he doesn't."

"I love your mother but this gal does things for me..and to me...and all around me...that your mom never could."

"Yes, advertising presents girls with unattainable images. It's not enough for a female to be incredibly thin. She must also have large breasts. And be ten stories high."

"Yikes! From up there, she can see my bald spot."

I guess that explains why some of the cars on the lot smell like tuna fish."

"She does the work of 250 men, or as much damage as 3 women, depending on her mood."

"Well,...er....Tommy, I sure am glad I didn't finish that suicide note over there on my desk. I mean, phew!"

"I'd like to see her slathered in oil, if you know what I mean: Big Oil!"

"Tommy, we'll get back to our discussion of Michael Richards in a while, OK?"

“Remember, Bobby, all women are monsters.”

“Look at her. Towering over the greatest of man’s industries. Casually hefting a 3200-pound, four-door, two-tone Chevrolet Bel-Air with one hand. Her left hand. And me? I spend all day in meetings. Can’t recall the last time I actually accomplished something that had any lasting effect. I’ve never ‘rampaged’ in all my life. Haven’t even had a decent erection since Truman left office. Here I am, cowering next to my partially-retarded offspring, praying dinner’ll be ready when I get home. My God, I hate women. Hey, Jimmy, how much do you think Daddy’s penis weighs? Nevermind. Forget I asked that.”

"How did she get to be so big, you say? Simple: She self-identified as a 50-foot woman, and bingo!"

"I'm serious. After three Apple Partinis they'll do it just for a t-shirt."

"Tommy, as you get older you will come to realize that the 'Hokey-Pokey' is NOT what it's all about."

"Not to worry. Although our portfolio remains overweighted in the domestic carmaker sector, the substantial number of call options we have written presents a perfect hedge against price decreases in the underlying securities."

"Fortunately, Tommy, we can monitor the whole situation on the TV mounted to the left of this window. I think she's directly above a security camera right now. Let's have a look, shall we?"

Run down to the pharmacy and get their largest bottle of progesterone son, we're drinking milk tonight!

I'll make you a deal son. You only look at me from the waste up, and I won't make any headlight, trunk, or nozzle double entendres.

The Statue of Liberty? Yeah, would have been had the French had any balls.

I sure hope she shits on Johnson's office.

I realize you can't understand why now, son, but someday, you'll thank me for forcing you to learn this business.

"Isn't mommy beautiful, son? Even though I know I'm in the asylum, as I have been every day of my life since you and her were killed in that horrible fire at the Chevrolet plant, the fact that you come and visit me every night makes it all worth while. And now mommy can come too. And the three of us will be together again, just like in the old days. And you'll never have to grow old like me. And mommy will be as luminous as she was the day we first met. In her white silk dress. We'll take a walk every night on the beach, as a family, with the sun in our faces. That is, until morning arrives, when the real sun comes up and lets in all the darkness."

"And, someday you'll be a teamster, Timster!'

"Can I go out and play, Timmy?"

"This is nothing, Bobby. You should see her in her small black dress!"

"Billy, Bobby? Timmy, Tommy? Tomato, To-maw-to? Potato, Po-taw-to?

"Horton, here's a 'ho.'"

"I've heard of big tits before, but this is ridiculous!"

"My God, I've somehow been transported into a world where physical scale as well as realism of depiction are distinctively different! That businessman and his son are positively tiny!"

"She's bumping and grinding the entire Impala showroom!"

And this is my Picasso painting called "El Tiempo de Mes"

"Tommy, that's your name, right? Tommy? Anywho, I just hope this gal has great feet. I can't BE with a woman who has bad feet."

"Hey, Tommy, why don't you grab a scrub brush and some soap and water and tackle that grafitti on my wall. And, er, Tommy, take your time, OK?"

"Son, I told you to design a big car that would make it easy to pick up girls. You, in an ironic comic twist, designed a big girl that can easily pick up cars! Why did I ever put my 8-year in charge of R&D???"

"Wonka can keep his Oompa Loompas..."

"Well, Tommy, I guess the rumors are true. Amazon IS taking over Evrolet."

It must be that time of the month again...

[Actual Associated Press Headline]

Nov 30, 4:58 PM EST


"Gee, Tommy, and all along I thought it was a gigantic woman holding a normal-sized car."

"You're witnessing a great day, Zach. I've been telling the world for centuries that the cube-square law is bunk. At last, vindication!"

"The last time she had sex, it caused a Tsunami in Indonesia."

"I know, Bobby! Let's bet 25 cents on which way she falls once the air strikes commence."

"I'm sorry I called you Tommy, Timmy, I'm a little distracted right now. Your Mother thinks this is a good time to make a scene."

"Tommy, quick! I want you to gather up your quintuplet brothers, Billy, Bobby, Zach, and, oh yes, Timmy, and run home. Tell Mommy she doesn't have to get me a Christmas gift this year, or, for that matter, a Hanukkah gift or a Kwanzaa gift or a Ramadan gift. But she still has to get me a Festivus gift. You got that?"

"But she still has to get me a Festivus gift."

N.b., while we hate all fake blended holidays, if we have to support one, it's Chrismukkah, as our friend Gersh is the official chronicler.

"...and, Tommy, make sure that if Mommy is confused about all that, then all she has to do is get me a nice Chrismukkah gift -- nothing too flashy -- and we'll call it even."

"She was briefly involved with Tim H. but she quickly grew disgusted by his obsession with the anti-caption contest. Then she grew and she grew some more. Now she's back. And yes, she's angry."

"Yes, and Tim H had no room for growth."

"You heard me right, Bobby. She's wearing a condominium."

"I've always said, Timster, that people in glass factories shouldn't throw cars."

"I never thought I'd say it, but thank goodness I have a colostemy. Otherwise I certainly would have crapped my pants at the sight of this."

"I never thought I'd say it, but thank goodness I have a colostomy. Otherwise I certainly would have crapped my pants at the sight of this."

"Not to worry, Billy. She probably throws like a girl."

She's has 'PMS' - Pickup-My-Sedan.....

"Son, I think you're about to get a lesson in coprophilia. Or carprophilia. Or auto-eroticism."

"What that car needs is a nice, thick cream topping. And I'm just the man to take care of that!"

"Do you think the Amazing Colossal Woman will notice Invisible Girl on my left?"

"Mother only likes domestic models."

"As much as I'd love to see her climb the Empire State Building, I hope she doesn't destroy it. It's pretty cool being able to say how it's once again the tallest building in New York."

How does the gas mileage of the sedan compare to the wagon?

"Zoinks, Jimmy! I guess this explains why GM is late getting in on hybrid development."

"Now that's what I call straddling the industry, son!"

"Now that's what I call a joy ride, Martin!"

"Tommy, that Evrolet hybrid in her left hand is quite impressive, but that Evrolet invisible car in her right hand is blowing my mind!"

"It's another Trojan horse, son. And all our eyes are trained on the escape hatch."

"Someday, son, all this will be yours"

"You see, Jenkins? I told you we don't discriminate based on height!"

"Evrolet hath no Fury like a scorned woman. The Fury is made by Plymouth."

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