November 20, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #76

Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.


Winner: "Of course I'm upset. Their people killed the herds of bison for sport, stole our land, and wiped out entire tribes with smallpox." —RichM

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Why am I doing this while you huddle behind rocks that make you look suspicously like a derivative undergraduate project on male sexual anxiety? Because I've always found Tara Donovan's work to be trite, that's why.

"Damn! It's a frontier salesman's sample fort that's four feet away!"

"At last! Kashmir will be ours!"

"Pakistan will never take Kashmir from us."

J - Beat me to it.

"This will teach the white man to relocate us to a flaccid penis!"

"With just you and me attacking an entire fort, I have a feeling this battle might become known as 'Custer's penultimate stand.'"

"I'm having trouble aiming, due to the artist's poor command of perspective."

Me like'um firewater.

"The arrowhead? It's a Lone Ranger Atom Bomb ring from a Cheerios box that'll be available, oh, some seventy years from now. Why do you ask?"

"If they plan to search all our lands for WMDs, then they will never be gone;
so I say 'shock and awe'-um out of here right now."

"I figure the only way to make them willing to give us back our land is to poison it for generations with depleted uranium."

"Sure it worked, but I think your strangling Frosty the Snowman with his own corncob pipe was more impressive for its brutality than its consistency with our oeuvre."

"Must you giggle every time I say 'ICBM'?"

"Today, we rid ourselves of the white man...tomorrow, the darkies!"

Watch me kill this guy.

"Hey Runningjoke, you gottem 'Mission Accomplished' banner ready?"

"'Where the heck are we?' No, brother, the question is, do we accept genocide happily with the winsome sadness of noble-defeat-kitsch or do we send a few of the white maggots back East in a bag before our race is exterminated? For my part I say fuck Union Pacific, fuck the Great White Father, and fuck Captain Parmenter."

"Do you think they'll put a new plinth on my bowling trophy if I can land it within the stockade?"

"This'll teach 'em to let OJ publish!"

"By the way, you're right; I looked it up, Wyoming doesn't mean anything."

"Hey, Hunts-with-Ron, I'm thinking of changing my name. What do you think of 'He-who-sleeps-with-your-wife,-Hunts-with-Ron'?"

"Now we show what happens to white man who votes 'No' on casino referendum."

"Now that they've lied to us, cheated us, stolen our entire continent and virtually wiped out our race with smallpox and bullets, what's left? ...Oh, that's right, mocking us as buffoonish cartoon characters. Check."

"Glad you asked.I call it an ICB-um."

[apologies to trout - I think it's a different joke]

"OK, ready? Right after I shoot this plastic novelty-rocket-on-a-stick over there and he comes out to see what the hell it is, that's when you roll the boulder down, which will have no trouble crushing him as he's only ten inches tall."

"Once you're done humping that rock, could you please remove the styrofoam safety tip from my arrow?"

"Cruise arrow wave of future."

"White man may have gun, but we have rocket shaped arrows."

"Yo, Hides Behind Rocks, check this out!"

"This is what they get for not building roof over their fort."

"Oh, what's the point? It's really just a bigger arrowhead - is that going to make a difference? It probably won't even hit the target, it's so damn heavy. Great idea bison balls! I should kick your ass. You really should lay off the peyote teepee dick..."

"Wait-- why don't I just step on them?"

"I'm starting to think it's a decoy"

"Is that cricket waving to us?"

"It's really great. You take one can condensed Cream of Mushroom soup, 4 cups green beans, milk, and those french fried onion things . . . . remind me when we get home and I'll get you the recipe."

"Yeah, I see it. I think I can get it, but this fort's in the way . . . . "

With a bigger arrow, this cartoon would look even more phallic.

"Yes, you're right, I have been putting on a little weight, but perhaps we could discuss your ideas about diet and exercise after we, oh, I don't know, battle the fucking white man?"

No, you idiot, it's not a koryaga. It's a psalmodikon.

"What if this turns into shock and aw-shit!"

"If war we must, then I sure am glad we brought along these comfy bean bag chairs. There really is a lot of downtime."

I realize you're excited about the forthcoming explosion, but can you at least keep your hands out of your pants.

No, I am not overcompensating. I've never been embarrassed about my obvious lack of size in the little injun department.

"I think I liked the Civil War reenactment better."

"Wait, did you mean it was 5 miles or 5 kilometers away?"

What? They got married in a castle? You said they were getting married in a fort.
This will never make it to Italy.

Exit strategy? Run like hell, you fleet-footed bastard.

"I was glad to see Fox cancel the O.J. special as well; we shouldn't have to put up with such garbage in our culture. Plus, Judith Regan was such a bitch to me back when I knew her at Vassar. It's nice to see her eat it."

Clutch though you may those alarmingly testicular rocks, I shall prevail because I symbolically hold the phallus!

Old man found this arrow at work, called, "tactical nuclear." Then we see if state park want to give us back concession license.

Yeah, there's only a few of us left who played the original Turok on the n64; this is for you, boys!

Does the multitude of sexual inuendos in this landscape make me look fat?

"Nice muffin top."

"Cedar. What's the difference?"

"The arrows here are obscene."

"BUUUUURP! Me have Injun gestjun."

I am become death. The destroyer of that dinky little fort over there.

"White man came took everything. Doo-doot-do-doot-do-do-do."

"Fuck the white man. Watch this eagle get it right up the ass!"

Correction: "This'll teach 'em not to let OJ publish, goddamned PC thugs!"

"This one's got Larry Storch's name on it."

"Watch me 'F' their troop!"

"Great White Father in Washington keep saying 'nuculer' and make
me go ballistic."

"Does calling my bow 'Enola Gay' sound effeminite?"

"OPE, POE, EOP...I don't give a shit about any damn code. You really should learn to stop worrying and love the bomb."

"Look Ennis, if you don't stop humping the testicle rocks, I'm taking my toys back to the pup tent."

It's filled with corn--I call it my Weapon of Maize Destruction.

"I am big. It's pictures that got small."

"I am big. It's pictures that got small."

"You know, one day, liberal pundits will thank us for this metaphor."

"Now that we've got these supercool Acme Nuclear Arrows, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Speaking of my quiver, did you hear Tom Cruise took his best man on his honeymoon?"

"Speaking of my shaft, did you hear Tom Cruise took his best man on his honeymoon?"

"And so we avenge you, our Go-Go Gopher brothers!"

"Now that's what I call teabagging!"

"Of course I'm upset. Their people killed the herds of bison for sport, stole our land, and wiped out entire tribes with smallpox."

I'm going to try to shoot that fort with this arrow.

(No typical doughy white guys from the 1950s were injured in the drawing of this cartoon.)

"I dunno. I'm glad for the paycheck and the SAG card, but I still think Michael Bay's decision to remake 'The New World' is a stupid fucking idea."

"... and the best part is, Dances With Wolves will never even know what hit him. Jackass."

"Now they're gonna see a real Indian burial ground."

"Hey, are you crying again? What is it with you and the one tear always falling nobly down your face? Seriously, dude -- have a medicine man take a look at that."

"I *knew* I shouldn't have brought you along on this hunt, Crow With Uncontrollable Flatulence."

"I'm just sick of Dakota...The whole tribe?...No, just Dakota Fanning."

"Judging by their mishapen flag and giant popsicle fortress, I'd say this Apache missle has a pretty good shot at nailing them Kickapoo."

Say ello to my leetle friend. No, seriously he's down there peeking his head out. Hey Bob! Wow, I really would've regreted shooting this arrow through Bob's head.

This will teach them never to build a fortress on an ancient indian cow pie farm.

"The Indian gift shops that turn into underground snuff clubs after dark here are obscene!"

"You know, when you chose, Shoots Arrows With Shithead, as your Indian name, it really hurt my feelings."

"It really is a strange place to put an abortion clinic, anyway."

"If I did it, here's how it happened."

Balls out.

"We hide in bunker two days and then make public apology on Conan O'brien."

"I read about this fort on a settler's 'blog.' That's short for 'Web log' and it's used to describe personal Web sites that are frequently updated with entries that are intended for sharing with others."

Of course, if this were a real war, I would have to be about 300 feet tall.

Now, for the last time. Are you absolutely sure this is the same fort where you met the little white man who gave you syphilis?

"Are those boulders real, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Oh, 'elephantiasis', the word, has a mid-16th century origin, I think, via Latin from Greek. It's a condition in which a limb or other part of the body becomes grossly enlarged due to obstruction of the lymphatic vessels, typically by the nematode parasites which cause filariasis. But, hey, Impossibly-Huge-Balls, that's not important right now."

"Topless fat white guys. Bad wigs. A nuclear arrow. This must be a dream our great grandchildren are having."

OK- when I say 'when', give him the signal to release the insurgents.

"OK, Crazy Horse, watch this Fischer Price instrument of death take that guy's eye out."

"¡Oye, Gordo!. No se olvida! If these fuckeen Minute Men cabrones catch you, your name ees "eSmiles at Rainbows" and you no espeak no fuckeen Espaneesh!"

If I can knock off that little hut they balanced on the edge of Fort Really Bad Perspective, then the time it took to whittle this crude nuclear warhead will be worth every second.

Will you please stop whistling "If I Had a Hammer?" If I had a hammer I wouldn't be using this bow and WMD, now would I? In fact, if I had a hammer, I would have put an end to your incessant whistling years ago.

OK. If this one doesn't blow the crap out of that pile of twigs, then my name isn't ... isn't ... just what the crap is my name?

You act like you're ashamed to be seen with me.

One day it's just a single badly designed fort, the next day, a whole subdivision.

Their dogs bark all night. That's why.

You do things your way, I'll do them mine. But those arrows aren't gonna jump out of your quiver and arm themselves, you know.

Hurry up and relieve yourself already, I can't go this one alone.

"I'll tell you this much -- they don't call me 'Shoots With Anachronistic Devices' for nothing!"

"We represent the warlike Bush administration, and the people inside the fort represent the Iraqi civilians. Oh, also, the missile should be labeled 'Democracy'. I realize I probably shouldn't be explaining all this to you in such a clumsy expository manner, but you gotta give me this: at least I'm being marginally subtler and more graceful than Mallard Fillmore."

"Who said white man can't jump?"

Who's minding the fort?

Are you sure this is how they play badminton?

"I'm using a plutonium-filled warhead, made in China, purchased in red-neck country, to take out a bunch of redd-necks in the valley.
It doesn't strike me as ironic so much as pluralistic."

"This new technology may end up paying off for us in the long run."

"I say, old chap, that reminds me of a jest oft told by my exceedingly droll cousin Wilfred: how does a randy young jackanapes ascertain that his nubile young lady is ticklish? Why, he tries her first with a couple of test tickles of course. Ho-ho!"

"I was so fucked up on peyote when the chief was talking. Did he say 'build a fire', or 'fire and arrow into the funeral for homecoming war dead of our opposing tribe'? Just to be safe, I better do both."

Correction: 'an arrow' instead of 'and arrow'

Also, predicted winner of New Yorker's contest: "Try not to hit the casino."

"It's a 4-letter word beginning with F, that's why!

"Moments like this always make me resent how they kicked us out of the real army for being gay."

"I'm shocked! Shocked that gambling is going on in there!"

"If we start giving up our hobbys, and what we do in our leisure time, then the terrorists win, little bear."

Post a comment

Powered by
Movable Type 3.2