November 13, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #75

Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.


Winner: "It's been a good year for us here at Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt & Microphone, a good year indeed." —TG Gibbon

Posted by Daniel Radosh


Actually, this microphone does smell like a beer.

"Yeah, well in today's job market yer gonna take whatever whimsical crap I dish out and like it. Now everybody sing, dammit, sing -- I SAID SING."

And now I'd like to do a little number about the marginal CFG predictions for next quarter. Maureen, if you would be so kind.

"Do you really think making a sequel to 'Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy' is a good idea, Mr. John?"

"And now, to welcome the new Democratic majority, here's Mark Russell!"

"Give up? Huh? The change is that I replaced the desk with a huge piano! I thought you'd surely guess it when I started playing that sonata and all your glasses started rattling around, but I guess you're all too anesthetized by corporate life to notice anything."

"I'm sorry that replacing the desk with a comically oversize piano means that you now have nowhere to put your legs, but I think you'll find what it lacks in comfort, it makes up for in joyous camaraderie."

"I'm glad to see you all brought your lighters, as requested."

"backdated options no longer being what they once were, please don't neglect my tip jar."

During my rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee", I expect you all to be busy as...ants on a lump of sugar. HA! Expect the unexpected here at Liberace, Joel, and Hendrix.

Miss Adams you're a little flat this morning. tee-hee. I never get tired of that one!

In light of corporate earnings, we all agree a tip jar would be gauche?

During my rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee", I expect you all to be busy as...ants on a lump of sugar. HA! Expect the unexpected here at Liberace, Joel, and Hendrix.

Miss Adams you're a little flat this morning. tee-hee. I never get tired of that one!

Ain't life grand?

"Have you people never heard of coasters?"

"Y'know, next time it says 'piano 8 hands,' I'm gonna check to see if we could get four 2-handed people instead of, you know, us eight amputees."

"And now my impression of Marlene Dietrich singing 'The Boys in the Back Room,' at Site Y in Los Alamos, 1943."

"I'll be fucked if this isn't the largest goddamned pork chop I've ever seen. Yeehaw!"

"I shortened the legs on this piano so I can play it with my toes."

"I'm not going to give you some old song and dance. But only because I have no legs. Believe me, I'd love to dance. When that IED took my legs and I realized I'd never again dance with my Carrie to the haunting strains of 'Year of the Cat' I thought it might not be worth going on. But then my uncle died and I became CEO. I gotta say, it is totally worth going on when you're this rich."

"It's been a good year for us here at Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt & Microphone, a good year indeed."

"Do you like it? I found it out the curb on my way to work this morning. Can you believe someone was just going to throw it away?"

"Sorry for the inconvenience. They are painting the concert hall, and needed some place to store the instruments. The harp's in the break room."

I called you all here to announce that I've finally found a way to combine my two greatest loves, Ohio State Buckeyes memorabilia and lavish custom-made furniture.

"You may have noticed something a little different here today, no? Yes, that's right, the enormous pastel cityscape I had installed on the back wall. Really kind of makes you feel like we're meeting in a city instead of here in this hideous office park, doesn't it?"

"I was hoping the incongruity of the piano would distract visitors' attention from the huge bloodstain on the drapes. Yes? No?"

"Boy, this was a big mistake. I can't play any Rachmaninoff with this damn mike stand right here in the middle of the keyboard. Shit."

"Man, every season this show Arli$$ just gets weirder and weirder. What is this now, a dream sequence?"

"This Coldplay tune goes out to the twatwaffles in accounting."

"Here's one I heard just this morning. 'Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphone....'"

And now, a little tune I wrote myself, "Peacetime, Not So, Mr. CEO" in D-flat.

And to you folks on my left, I'm sorry, but I've just heard back from HR, and your fractured thighbones that resulted from my three-legged piano resting on your laps have all been qualified as "preexisting conditions," and coverage has been denied.

And, in recognition of my purchase of a New York-shaped meeting table, you shall each now be known by the respective city corresponding to your position at the table: Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Jamestown, Olean, Corning, Binghamton. Yes, it's my table, so I get to be Albany. Oh yeah, and terrorists nuked Manhattan off the map as a result of the Democratic wins in last week's midterms.

"Paper covers Rach. You win."

"Papers 10 cover Rach 3. You win."

And not only is this the biggest grand piano I've ever used as a board meeting table, but there was no possible way I could get it through the damn door.

"Oh shit, she's right behind me isn't she..."

"You know what they say... you can tune a piano, but you can't count future depreciation of capital assets against current returns without first filing an accelerated amortization schedule."

"This came from the lounge we foreclosed on. What the hell-might as well make use of this damn thing."

"In response to recent criticism that frivolous expenditures have hurt our bottom line, I'll admit we may have gone a little overboard on the crosshatching."

"Somebody better get their ass in gear to get me some talent so I can play a goddamn song!"

"And now, a little number made famous by the original 'Chairman of the Board'..."

"And now, in case you weren't already experiencing enough cognitive dissonance, I will perform Eminem's 'Kim'. In Norwegian."

"I thought you'd enjoy a little light music while I explained to you that budget cuts stemming from the purchase of this piano will result in the elimination of your jobs."

"Interestingly, the boys in accounting have figured out a way for me to claim that this piano has 176 keys."

"Ebony and ivory, side by side on my piano keyboard, but not on this board. Seriously -- even the ladies should count themselves lucky to be here."

"And now, a little tribute to this business we call show and/or management consulting."

Here's a little tune I call "When I Find Out Who Scratched an EKG Reading Into My Dance Floor, I Will Throw Him Out The Window." Feel free to hum along.

"It's a cold one out there tonight, isn't it?..Glad you stopped by....I hope I can take the chill off with some warm music. So sit back and enjoy....and, by the way-you're all fired!"

"My grandmother commissioned this piano to be custom-built by hand. Do you know why? Because she loved music. And music, she said, was the only true universal language. And it deserved an instrument as big and bold as the sweeping swath it cuts across the universal landscape, uniting and shaping people's lives in ways more rudimentary principles of communication and symbiosis could only dream. Plus, she was a 1200lb. carnival freak."

"Someone hand me that chalkboard eraser over there on the table. Whoever comes in late again on, 'Greensleeves', is getting it shoved up their ass!"

"Piano! Piano! Piano! Il nostro reddito piano!"

"Welcome to our new facilities, designed by world famous architect, Renzo... Wait, what was that guy's last name again? Oh yeah. Renzo Simmons."

"Before I begin -- do not drink the Poland Mountain Spring Water! I repeat -- there is some bad Poland Mountain Spring Water going around the table!"

Added a mountain where there shouldn't be one. In correction:

"Before I begin -- do not drink the Poland Spring Water! I repeat -- there is some bad Poland Spring Water going around the table!"

I realize that my nose is abnormally long, but could you all quit staring at it!

Let's finish up with the final movement before that spy on the tightrope gets over here.

I was sick of people telling me how fucking big my nose was.

I have randomly distributed these blank sheets of paper for a quick game of pictionary.

There's a vase of daylilies on the credenza, but I'd much rather have 'tu-lips' on my organ. Please note that because I've taken the trouble to have this large keyboard instrument installed in here, I can say that without fear of sexual harassment charges.

"There's a fruit bat hiding in the curtain behind you? No, I don't believe I know that one."

"Folks, get ready to be knocked out of your seats - literally! Because you're about to hear the loudest, lowest notes a piano has ever played."

"I've called this meeting to discuss why my extra-large piano sounds so crappy. My theory is that the shape is not quite right, and all the strings two octaves above middle C or higher are disproportionately long. Any thoughts?"

"That was the worst, 'Piece of My Heart', I've ever heard, Lois. Janis Joplin's rolling over in her grave. And she was cremated."

"Yeah, they told me I was nothing but a worthless dreamer when I set out to build a playable piano six times the normal size. But I'm sure they also said that to the guy who set out to bake an 800 foot tall wedding cake in the shape of a sand castle. And now, just look at that big motherfucker behind me!"

"Hey, Jude. Don't take it bad. Take a memo, and make it better. Remember the letter under your desk. And you can start to make some coffee."

Mr. President, this piano-shaped conference table fucking rocks!

So what? I don't know how to run a company either, and that never stopped me from trying!

As soon as I finish masturbating, I'll play a song or two and then we'll get an update on the Harper account from Donlon in Sales.

Sing us a song you're the piano man...Tom I'm sleeping with your wife...sing us a song tonight...Sally you're fired...'cause we're all in the mood for a melody...

On the count of three, we all thrust the piano towards him and the window.

"I told you for the next meeting we'd go to the Keys."

Free Bird!

Also..the tip jar is not for your suggestions, which by the way, for the most part would be physically impossible.

What's the matter Gladys? Haven't you seen a big pianist before?

"Now I know what they're all saying: That bastard Tom Waits has sold out...


Yeah, I'm a Big Fella with a Big Voice who single-handedly built this Big Fake Plywood Piano. And that's why I'm the boss.

I believe Miss Lowell's presentation of the hootchie-cootchie will be better observed from the piano top. As usual, I'll accompany with a little tune from "Camelot."

Yes, it is true that our sales are down and fewer people have an appreciation for these fine old Bosundorfers. But I'm sure if we put our thinking caps on, we'll come up with even more ways to use them.

Nobody knows the bass line of Heart & Soul?! Fine. Meeting adjourned.

What piano?

"If there's anything old Ben Folds has learned over the years it's that real estate is an essential, long-term component of any diversified portfolio. Also, I should never have gone on Conan dressed as a pirate."

"I said, no one move until the fellow on the ladder is through sketching us."

"This, interns, is a piano."

"Once you hear my proposal, I'm sure you'll be singing a different tune. It will be a canon, with seven distinct voices, each a half-step apart. Don't be surprised if it shatters the large pane of glass behind me. I recently heard of a girl violinist who was capable of having a similar effect on household objects. Or perhaps I was just dreaming."

"Well, yes, my old dictaphone does garble things a bit. In any event, the corrected memo is before you now, outlining my plan to manhandle Pia today. Yes, it's your turn for a taste of ecstasy, Ms. Noe."

"Well thank you Ms. Penbrook. I'm not familiar with Michael Blueball but I will take that as a compliment."

"So folks, let's not let this weeks' Zune launch bring us down. Go out there and kick some hardcore butt! And to send us off in the right frame of mind let's adjourn with a little GNR- 'Welcome to the Jungle'."

"All right, now everyone take your urine samples and stand in a circle. Except I'll hold onto Janine's. Then I'll play the piano, and you all walk in a circle, and when the music stops, grab a urine sample as quick as you can! The person left without one has to drink Janine's. And then I'll take another one out, until we have a winner. What? No, the winner doesn't get a raise, the winner just doesn't have to drink pee. Okay, ready?"

Gonna take a Sentimental Journey,
And you're gonna pay my legal fees...
Gonna make a Sentimental Journey,
thanks for the memories...

Got my bags, got my court date,
Spent each dime I could afford....
Like a child in wild anticipation,
I Long to hear that, "All cleared....

Seven...that's the time I'm facin'.
My lawyer will be waitin'
Countin' every minute of the sentence....

Never thought my heart could be so squirmy....
Why did I decide to roam?
Gotta take that Sentimental Journey,
Sentimental Journey home.
Sentimental Journey

"Anyone got a fuckin' problem with that?"

"Put that cocktail down! Fuzzy Navel is for closers."

Yes, this is a really fucking expensive conference table. Your point?

Here's a little number I recently tossed off at the academy. It's called "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?"

When you're the CEO you can sit at the keyboard. Until then, shut the hell up.

There's a stack of cheques on the table over there. Take them, and by the way, you're all fired.

Yes, there is something different this week. Katrina, what's with the laptop?

I never claimed to be talented. Isn't deciding your fates according to personal whimsey enough?

I see you all remembered to bring your vases for the flower arranging portion of this morning's meeting---now I would like to have you begin by reproducing the lovely floral design on the credenza while I set the mood with a little sonata.

"Yes, they said no one would be able to retrieve the eraser from the windowsill in that room full of quicksand, but I proved them all wrong, and THIS is my reward! Eh? Yeah, the eraser over there on the counter is what I mean by "THIS." What? The piano's been here for years, you never noticed?"

the reason why the microphone is even here is to make sure that the view doesn't distract you.
god damn interns.

"I think you'll be happy to discover that I've included all of you in this next medley."

"Get the wax out your ears, Miss Thomkins ! I said: lack 'man enough', not Rachmaninov ! Wishy-washy's all I get !....Wait, on second thought, the whole damn pack of you pussies just clear out now ! The firm's going 'all male', that settles it !"

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