The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #75
Readers chose the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details.
Winner: "It's been a good year for us here at Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt & Microphone, a good year indeed." TG Gibbon
Comments
Actually, this microphone does smell like a beer.
Posted by: 99 | November 13, 2006 10:05 AM
"Yeah, well in today's job market yer gonna take whatever whimsical crap I dish out and like it. Now everybody sing, dammit, sing -- I SAID SING."
Posted by: J.D. | November 13, 2006 10:19 AM
And now I'd like to do a little number about the marginal CFG predictions for next quarter. Maureen, if you would be so kind.
Posted by: mandy | November 13, 2006 10:33 AM
"Do you really think making a sequel to 'Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy' is a good idea, Mr. John?"
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | November 13, 2006 10:35 AM
"And now, to welcome the new Democratic majority, here's Mark Russell!"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | November 13, 2006 10:37 AM
"Give up? Huh? The change is that I replaced the desk with a huge piano! I thought you'd surely guess it when I started playing that sonata and all your glasses started rattling around, but I guess you're all too anesthetized by corporate life to notice anything."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | November 13, 2006 10:41 AM
"I'm sorry that replacing the desk with a comically oversize piano means that you now have nowhere to put your legs, but I think you'll find what it lacks in comfort, it makes up for in joyous camaraderie."
Posted by: Francis | November 13, 2006 10:44 AM
"I'm glad to see you all brought your lighters, as requested."
Posted by: Francis | November 13, 2006 10:49 AM
"backdated options no longer being what they once were, please don't neglect my tip jar."
Posted by: michael | November 13, 2006 11:13 AM
During my rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee", I expect you all to be busy as...ants on a lump of sugar. HA! Expect the unexpected here at Liberace, Joel, and Hendrix.
Miss Adams you're a little flat this morning. tee-hee. I never get tired of that one!
Posted by: Anonymous | November 13, 2006 11:20 AM
In light of corporate earnings, we all agree a tip jar would be gauche?
During my rendition of "Flight of the Bumblebee", I expect you all to be busy as...ants on a lump of sugar. HA! Expect the unexpected here at Liberace, Joel, and Hendrix.
Miss Adams you're a little flat this morning. tee-hee. I never get tired of that one!
Ain't life grand?
Posted by: Amy | November 13, 2006 11:21 AM
"Have you people never heard of coasters?"
Posted by: jason | November 13, 2006 11:40 AM
"Y'know, next time it says 'piano 8 hands,' I'm gonna check to see if we could get four 2-handed people instead of, you know, us eight amputees."
Posted by: Vance | November 13, 2006 12:01 PM
"And now my impression of Marlene Dietrich singing 'The Boys in the Back Room,' at Site Y in Los Alamos, 1943."
"I'll be fucked if this isn't the largest goddamned pork chop I've ever seen. Yeehaw!"
"I shortened the legs on this piano so I can play it with my toes."
"I'm not going to give you some old song and dance. But only because I have no legs. Believe me, I'd love to dance. When that IED took my legs and I realized I'd never again dance with my Carrie to the haunting strains of 'Year of the Cat' I thought it might not be worth going on. But then my uncle died and I became CEO. I gotta say, it is totally worth going on when you're this rich."
"It's been a good year for us here at Consolidated Giant Oven Mitt & Microphone, a good year indeed."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 13, 2006 12:08 PM
"Do you like it? I found it out the curb on my way to work this morning. Can you believe someone was just going to throw it away?"
"Sorry for the inconvenience. They are painting the concert hall, and needed some place to store the instruments. The harp's in the break room."
Posted by: Deborah | November 13, 2006 12:15 PM
I called you all here to announce that I've finally found a way to combine my two greatest loves, Ohio State Buckeyes memorabilia and lavish custom-made furniture.
Posted by: dean | November 13, 2006 12:23 PM
"You may have noticed something a little different here today, no? Yes, that's right, the enormous pastel cityscape I had installed on the back wall. Really kind of makes you feel like we're meeting in a city instead of here in this hideous office park, doesn't it?"
"I was hoping the incongruity of the piano would distract visitors' attention from the huge bloodstain on the drapes. Yes? No?"
Posted by: Vance | November 13, 2006 12:25 PM
"Boy, this was a big mistake. I can't play any Rachmaninoff with this damn mike stand right here in the middle of the keyboard. Shit."
Posted by: Vance | November 13, 2006 12:30 PM
"Man, every season this show Arli$$ just gets weirder and weirder. What is this now, a dream sequence?"
Posted by: Vance | November 13, 2006 12:34 PM
"This Coldplay tune goes out to the twatwaffles in accounting."
Posted by: Pandyora | November 13, 2006 12:40 PM
"Here's one I heard just this morning. 'Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring, bananaphone....'"
Posted by: Francis | November 13, 2006 2:21 PM
And now, a little tune I wrote myself, "Peacetime, Not So, Mr. CEO" in D-flat.
Posted by: Tiffany | November 13, 2006 3:02 PM
And to you folks on my left, I'm sorry, but I've just heard back from HR, and your fractured thighbones that resulted from my three-legged piano resting on your laps have all been qualified as "preexisting conditions," and coverage has been denied.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 13, 2006 3:09 PM
And, in recognition of my purchase of a New York-shaped meeting table, you shall each now be known by the respective city corresponding to your position at the table: Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Jamestown, Olean, Corning, Binghamton. Yes, it's my table, so I get to be Albany. Oh yeah, and terrorists nuked Manhattan off the map as a result of the Democratic wins in last week's midterms.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | November 13, 2006 3:13 PM
"Paper covers Rach. You win."
Posted by: danny | November 13, 2006 3:28 PM
"Papers 10 cover Rach 3. You win."
Posted by: danny | November 13, 2006 3:30 PM
And not only is this the biggest grand piano I've ever used as a board meeting table, but there was no possible way I could get it through the damn door.
Posted by: 1313 | November 13, 2006 3:35 PM
"Oh shit, she's right behind me isn't she..."
Posted by: MarkP | November 13, 2006 3:42 PM
"You know what they say... you can tune a piano, but you can't count future depreciation of capital assets against current returns without first filing an accelerated amortization schedule."
Posted by: Rubrick | November 13, 2006 3:49 PM
"This came from the lounge we foreclosed on. What the hell-might as well make use of this damn thing."
Posted by: Greg | November 13, 2006 3:50 PM
"In response to recent criticism that frivolous expenditures have hurt our bottom line, I'll admit we may have gone a little overboard on the crosshatching."
Posted by: Rubrick | November 13, 2006 3:53 PM
"Somebody better get their ass in gear to get me some talent so I can play a goddamn song!"
Posted by: Greg | November 13, 2006 4:00 PM
"And now, a little number made famous by the original 'Chairman of the Board'..."
"And now, in case you weren't already experiencing enough cognitive dissonance, I will perform Eminem's 'Kim'. In Norwegian."
"I thought you'd enjoy a little light music while I explained to you that budget cuts stemming from the purchase of this piano will result in the elimination of your jobs."
"Interestingly, the boys in accounting have figured out a way for me to claim that this piano has 176 keys."
"Ebony and ivory, side by side on my piano keyboard, but not on this board. Seriously -- even the ladies should count themselves lucky to be here."
"And now, a little tribute to this business we call show and/or management consulting."
Posted by: Tim C. | November 13, 2006 5:01 PM
Here's a little tune I call "When I Find Out Who Scratched an EKG Reading Into My Dance Floor, I Will Throw Him Out The Window." Feel free to hum along.
Posted by: Charles | November 13, 2006 5:06 PM
"It's a cold one out there tonight, isn't it?..Glad you stopped by....I hope I can take the chill off with some warm music. So sit back and enjoy....and, by the way-you're all fired!"
Posted by: greg | November 13, 2006 5:16 PM
"My grandmother commissioned this piano to be custom-built by hand. Do you know why? Because she loved music. And music, she said, was the only true universal language. And it deserved an instrument as big and bold as the sweeping swath it cuts across the universal landscape, uniting and shaping people's lives in ways more rudimentary principles of communication and symbiosis could only dream. Plus, she was a 1200lb. carnival freak."
Posted by: David John | November 13, 2006 5:16 PM
"Someone hand me that chalkboard eraser over there on the table. Whoever comes in late again on, 'Greensleeves', is getting it shoved up their ass!"
Posted by: David John | November 13, 2006 5:40 PM
"Piano! Piano! Piano! Il nostro reddito è piano!"
Posted by: mypalmike | November 13, 2006 6:13 PM
"Welcome to our new facilities, designed by world famous architect, Renzo... Wait, what was that guy's last name again? Oh yeah. Renzo Simmons."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 13, 2006 6:26 PM
"Before I begin -- do not drink the Poland Mountain Spring Water! I repeat -- there is some bad Poland Mountain Spring Water going around the table!"
Posted by: David John | November 13, 2006 7:06 PM
Added a mountain where there shouldn't be one. In correction:
"Before I begin -- do not drink the Poland Spring Water! I repeat -- there is some bad Poland Spring Water going around the table!"
Posted by: David John | November 13, 2006 7:12 PM
I realize that my nose is abnormally long, but could you all quit staring at it!
Posted by: nk@yahoo.com | November 13, 2006 7:25 PM
Let's finish up with the final movement before that spy on the tightrope gets over here.
Posted by: nk@yahoo.com | November 13, 2006 7:28 PM
I was sick of people telling me how fucking big my nose was.
Posted by: Jason Olshefsky | November 13, 2006 8:10 PM
I have randomly distributed these blank sheets of paper for a quick game of pictionary.
Posted by: nk@yahoo.com | November 13, 2006 9:04 PM
There's a vase of daylilies on the credenza, but I'd much rather have 'tu-lips' on my organ. Please note that because I've taken the trouble to have this large keyboard instrument installed in here, I can say that without fear of sexual harassment charges.
Posted by: Walt | November 13, 2006 10:14 PM
"There's a fruit bat hiding in the curtain behind you? No, I don't believe I know that one."
Posted by: danny | November 13, 2006 11:46 PM
"Folks, get ready to be knocked out of your seats - literally! Because you're about to hear the loudest, lowest notes a piano has ever played."
Posted by: Vance | November 14, 2006 1:22 AM
"I've called this meeting to discuss why my extra-large piano sounds so crappy. My theory is that the shape is not quite right, and all the strings two octaves above middle C or higher are disproportionately long. Any thoughts?"
Posted by: John Tabin | November 14, 2006 1:27 AM
"That was the worst, 'Piece of My Heart', I've ever heard, Lois. Janis Joplin's rolling over in her grave. And she was cremated."
Posted by: David John | November 14, 2006 2:39 AM
"Yeah, they told me I was nothing but a worthless dreamer when I set out to build a playable piano six times the normal size. But I'm sure they also said that to the guy who set out to bake an 800 foot tall wedding cake in the shape of a sand castle. And now, just look at that big motherfucker behind me!"
Posted by: David John | November 14, 2006 3:28 AM
"Hey, Jude. Don't take it bad. Take a memo, and make it better. Remember the letter under your desk. And you can start to make some coffee."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 14, 2006 3:41 AM
Mr. President, this piano-shaped conference table fucking rocks!
Posted by: Simon H | November 14, 2006 5:51 AM
So what? I don't know how to run a company either, and that never stopped me from trying!
Posted by: Eric | November 14, 2006 11:53 AM
As soon as I finish masturbating, I'll play a song or two and then we'll get an update on the Harper account from Donlon in Sales.
Posted by: Charles | November 14, 2006 12:54 PM
Sing us a song you're the piano man...Tom I'm sleeping with your wife...sing us a song tonight...Sally you're fired...'cause we're all in the mood for a melody...
Posted by: Joe | November 14, 2006 1:53 PM
On the count of three, we all thrust the piano towards him and the window.
Posted by: Joe | November 14, 2006 1:56 PM
"I told you for the next meeting we'd go to the Keys."
Posted by: LV | November 14, 2006 3:38 PM
Free Bird!
Posted by: murph | November 14, 2006 9:51 PM
Also..the tip jar is not for your suggestions, which by the way, for the most part would be physically impossible.
Posted by: greg | November 15, 2006 11:34 AM
What's the matter Gladys? Haven't you seen a big pianist before?
Posted by: Dex | November 15, 2006 9:07 PM
"Now I know what they're all saying: That bastard Tom Waits has sold out...
"Posted by: Kevin G | November 15, 2006 10:53 PM
Yeah, I'm a Big Fella with a Big Voice who single-handedly built this Big Fake Plywood Piano. And that's why I'm the boss.
Posted by: SK | November 16, 2006 1:12 PM
I believe Miss Lowell's presentation of the hootchie-cootchie will be better observed from the piano top. As usual, I'll accompany with a little tune from "Camelot."
Posted by: SK | November 16, 2006 1:31 PM
Yes, it is true that our sales are down and fewer people have an appreciation for these fine old Bosundorfers. But I'm sure if we put our thinking caps on, we'll come up with even more ways to use them.
Posted by: SK | November 16, 2006 1:48 PM
Nobody knows the bass line of Heart & Soul?! Fine. Meeting adjourned.
Posted by: Span | November 16, 2006 2:47 PM
What piano?
Posted by: BJN | November 16, 2006 3:07 PM
"If there's anything old Ben Folds has learned over the years it's that real estate is an essential, long-term component of any diversified portfolio. Also, I should never have gone on Conan dressed as a pirate."
Posted by: Kevin G | November 16, 2006 9:13 PM
"I said, no one move until the fellow on the ladder is through sketching us."
Posted by: Greg | November 16, 2006 10:58 PM
"This, interns, is a piano."
Posted by: Greg | November 16, 2006 11:00 PM
"Once you hear my proposal, I'm sure you'll be singing a different tune. It will be a canon, with seven distinct voices, each a half-step apart. Don't be surprised if it shatters the large pane of glass behind me. I recently heard of a girl violinist who was capable of having a similar effect on household objects. Or perhaps I was just dreaming."
Posted by: David | November 16, 2006 11:29 PM
"Well, yes, my old dictaphone does garble things a bit. In any event, the corrected memo is before you now, outlining my plan to manhandle Pia today. Yes, it's your turn for a taste of ecstasy, Ms. Noe."
Posted by: drg | November 17, 2006 1:33 AM
"Well thank you Ms. Penbrook. I'm not familiar with Michael Blueball but I will take that as a compliment."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 17, 2006 3:55 AM
"So folks, let's not let this weeks' Zune launch bring us down. Go out there and kick some hardcore butt! And to send us off in the right frame of mind let's adjourn with a little GNR- 'Welcome to the Jungle'."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 17, 2006 4:17 AM
"All right, now everyone take your urine samples and stand in a circle. Except I'll hold onto Janine's. Then I'll play the piano, and you all walk in a circle, and when the music stops, grab a urine sample as quick as you can! The person left without one has to drink Janine's. And then I'll take another one out, until we have a winner. What? No, the winner doesn't get a raise, the winner just doesn't have to drink pee. Okay, ready?"
Posted by: Francis | November 18, 2006 1:23 PM
Gonna take a Sentimental Journey,
And you're gonna pay my legal fees...
Gonna make a Sentimental Journey,
thanks for the memories...
Got my bags, got my court date,
Spent each dime I could afford....
Like a child in wild anticipation,
I Long to hear that, "All cleared....
Seven...that's the time I'm facin'.
My lawyer will be waitin'
Countin' every minute of the sentence....
Never thought my heart could be so squirmy....
Why did I decide to roam?
Gotta take that Sentimental Journey,
Sentimental Journey home.
Sentimental Journey
"Anyone got a fuckin' problem with that?"
Posted by: simsburybear | November 18, 2006 2:24 PM
"Put that cocktail down! Fuzzy Navel is for closers."
Posted by: RichM | November 18, 2006 9:00 PM
Yes, this is a really fucking expensive conference table. Your point?
Here's a little number I recently tossed off at the academy. It's called "Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?"
When you're the CEO you can sit at the keyboard. Until then, shut the hell up.
Posted by: S Woodside | November 18, 2006 9:28 PM
There's a stack of cheques on the table over there. Take them, and by the way, you're all fired.
Yes, there is something different this week. Katrina, what's with the laptop?
Posted by: siguy | November 18, 2006 9:36 PM
I never claimed to be talented. Isn't deciding your fates according to personal whimsey enough?
Posted by: SK | November 19, 2006 10:02 AM
I see you all remembered to bring your vases for the flower arranging portion of this morning's meeting---now I would like to have you begin by reproducing the lovely floral design on the credenza while I set the mood with a little sonata.
Posted by: SK | November 19, 2006 10:20 AM
"Yes, they said no one would be able to retrieve the eraser from the windowsill in that room full of quicksand, but I proved them all wrong, and THIS is my reward! Eh? Yeah, the eraser over there on the counter is what I mean by "THIS." What? The piano's been here for years, you never noticed?"
Posted by: Vance | November 19, 2006 5:58 PM
the reason why the microphone is even here is to make sure that the view doesn't distract you.
god damn interns.
Posted by: arg | November 19, 2006 11:18 PM
"I think you'll be happy to discover that I've included all of you in this next medley."
Posted by: Michael | November 19, 2006 11:49 PM
"Get the wax out your ears, Miss Thomkins ! I said: lack 'man enough', not Rachmaninov ! Wishy-washy's all I get !....Wait, on second thought, the whole damn pack of you pussies just clear out now ! The firm's going 'all male', that settles it !"
Posted by: Sam L. | April 15, 2008 1:36 PM