The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #73
Vote now for the worst possible caption for this New Yorker cartoon. Click here for details. Click here to see the previous week's winner.
Winner:
"I am fat and ugly, so I am not picky about what sort of affection I attract and from whom." J.D.
Comments
Hi, this is Mark Foley, I'm afraid John won't be able to come to school today, he's feeling a little under the...hold on...I didn't say to stop John.
Posted by: Joe | October 30, 2006 9:58 AM
"Can I call you back? Someone's biting my ankle."
Posted by: Francis | October 30, 2006 10:37 AM
"Oh, the term 'ankle biter' typically refers to a small child? Well, that doesn't really help, but thanks, New York Public Library reference desk."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | October 30, 2006 10:59 AM
"Can you hear me now?"
Posted by: Vance | October 30, 2006 11:02 AM
"Dr. Borstein? Yes, it's me - it's back, that pain I told you about? Right in my achilles tendon, yeah. I know, pretty mysterious. Can I get a prescription?"
Posted by: Vance | October 30, 2006 11:04 AM
"Darn it, Petersen, can no one in your department give a competent blowjob?"
Posted by: J | October 30, 2006 11:18 AM
"Hello, 311? I hope you can help me. There is a giant sperm lying on my desk ... a giant sperm ... sperm ... about a foot long, yes ... tail about three, four feet, hanging down to the floor ... no, it's just lying there. Can you send someone over, animal control or something? It's making everybody a little crazy here."
Posted by: J.D. | October 30, 2006 11:21 AM
"Yes, when can I come in to get my new prosthesis? This coffee flavored one is attracting a bad crowd."
Posted by: Hookah | October 30, 2006 11:27 AM
"So, to make a long story short, he bit me, I killed him. Should've removed him from my leg before rigor mortis set in, but I got busy. What the hell, hindsight is 20-20, right?"
Posted by: Dan McCoy | October 30, 2006 11:28 AM
"Sayyyling, takes me awayyy... to where I've always heard it could be just a dream and the wind to carry me -- Yes? Yes, I am. Yes, I will -- Sayyyling, takes me awayyy...."
Posted by: J | October 30, 2006 11:56 AM
Yes, God, I'll be sure to tell him how sometimes the soil must be tilled with the blood of the innocent so that new, even greater seeds, shall grow. Bye.
Posted by: David John | October 30, 2006 11:57 AM
“As my wife has no arms, I thought it only fair.”
Posted by: J | October 30, 2006 11:59 AM
"Yes, the doctor is on his way and I've already talked to his wife. The supervised release just didn't work. I guess he'll never be able to live a normal life outside of the institution. You're right. It really is a shame."
Posted by: Dashiell | October 30, 2006 12:53 PM
Yes, Jepsen, you were right -- the pink triangles on his tie DO mean he's gay. I owe you $50.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 30, 2006 1:22 PM
"Well, I did think that I was biting myself at first, but then I noticed that the guy's tie is different."
Posted by: RichM | October 30, 2006 1:28 PM
"No, just the usual. Spying in the women's room, stealing my boss's tie, making the switchboard light up. It's just... I don't know. I feel like my in-body experiences were so much richer. There may even be time to revive me."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 30, 2006 1:29 PM
It's just not as arousing anymore since he's gotten so hippy.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 30, 2006 1:30 PM
[jinx!]
Posted by: RichM | October 30, 2006 1:32 PM
"Help, someone's stolen my computer! The monitor, mouse, CPU, everything's gone but the keyboard. There's all sorts of information on the hard drive which could be potentially embarrassing to the company, too."
Posted by: RichM | October 30, 2006 1:39 PM
"Hi, HR? Brad Johnson in accounting here. Yeah, well, I know that they're all just eager young kids who are only earning college credit for their time here, but I'm really a little disappointed in my intern, and frankly I'd like him removed."
"Hi, honey. Great news: These new tear-proof socks you bought? They're fantastic! Can you get me another half-dozen?"
"It's the damnedest thing: I came to work this morning and my computer was gone."
"WASSUP???"
Posted by: gary | October 30, 2006 1:56 PM
Ummphh! This leg tastes so much better than that piece of shit I got off Heather Mills.
Posted by: David John | October 30, 2006 2:01 PM
"Hello, Cheryl? Can you get security to remove a dead body from my office? I have no idea, it was here when I arrived, just lying on the floor in a frozen kind of 'expectant puppy' pose. Yeah, I think it's been here a while, and it's hard to maneuver my chair around it. Thanks, appreciate it."
Posted by: Vance | October 30, 2006 2:03 PM
"No. Then he'd just start gnawing on my real leg."
Posted by: Charles | October 30, 2006 2:06 PM
"Hi, yes. Can you please bring me some paper towels? I stepped in something on my way to work."
"We're running a little late. Bob lost his contact lens - he's looking for it now."
"It's okay so far. I'm sensing some hostility from my officemate, though."
Posted by: Deborah | October 30, 2006 2:17 PM
"Yes, we're conjoined twins. It is unfortunate, but we've learned to live with it for the most part."
Posted by: Deborah | October 30, 2006 2:33 PM
". . . my name is Talky Tina, and I'm going to kill you."
Posted by: David John | October 30, 2006 2:52 PM
No, I wouldn't say I "have a gnawing suspicion" that Mark Foley has formed an unhealthy attraction to me. Who writes your fucking material? Mark Russell?
Posted by: 99 | October 30, 2006 3:49 PM
Mom, Brian's biting me again.
Posted by: span | October 30, 2006 3:58 PM
"Well, I called the number on the box because I had an erection that lasted more than four hours, and then they said to call back if that didn't work."
Posted by: Kevin G | October 30, 2006 4:43 PM
"Not only that, I think he also ate the arms off my desk chair."
Posted by: Ben | October 30, 2006 4:44 PM
"Hello, Mr. Van Helsing? I think I got a real dumb one here."
Posted by: Ben | October 30, 2006 4:45 PM
"We'll be down to the party in a few minutes. Larry's just helping me with my Curt Schilling costume."
Posted by: Ben | October 30, 2006 4:49 PM
"I firmly believe this is what Mark Furman did to O.J."
Posted by: Ben | October 30, 2006 4:50 PM
"Dr. Martin! Dr. Martin! They're doing it now - gaaaahhh - pumping toothpaste through the round keyhole in my door!!!No, I'm absolutely sure, they're really doing it!!! What? Yes, I've already applied the antidote, as per your suggestion, though it's a little painful..."
Posted by: Vance | October 30, 2006 5:36 PM
"I'm terribly sorry. What would be the non-emergency number?"
Posted by: Kevin G | October 30, 2006 5:59 PM
The temps here are obscene!
Posted by: Owen | October 30, 2006 6:13 PM
"Hello, security? I need someone to remove Patrick Hynes of AnkleBitingPundits.com from my office."
Posted by: John Tabin | October 30, 2006 6:27 PM
"Yes, Miss Collins? Can you bring in some nail-polish remover? In the process of supergluing Higgins to the floor, I've accidentally gotten my middle and ring finger stuck together on both my hands. Ow! No biting, Higgins!"
Posted by: John Tabin | October 30, 2006 6:59 PM
Oh, my God! The hostage takers just shot another one! Everyone here is so scared! If this is the last time we ever speak to each other, just know that I love you and the kids more than anything in the whole world!
Posted by: David John | October 30, 2006 7:01 PM
I'm getting a second opinion right now, but I'm telling you the pants are too short and I didn't want cuffs.
Monica's working out great. I feel bad I made fun of his name.
When a man calls another man "a tastey morsel" it just sounds gay to me.
I need a bigger desk or at least a bigger space beneath my desk.
Posted by: Amy | October 30, 2006 7:28 PM
"A hostile work environment? Honestly Bill, I wouldn't know that woman if she walked in here and bit me in the ass."
Posted by: Kevin G | October 30, 2006 8:03 PM
"Doc, I'd like to schedule that Siamese twin removal."
"Hello, 911? I hope this goes through since my phone base looks disconnected. Anyway, I've got a guy clamped onto my ankle and maybe another wacko turning the door handle to get into my office."
Posted by: LV | October 30, 2006 8:03 PM
"I'm seeing someone else. Way over in the corner of my office, standing on my short filing cabinet. Oh yes, and I'm romantically involved with someone new. Who I'm not looking at right now."
Posted by: Francis | October 30, 2006 8:16 PM
"It's ok, I just pee on him and he leaves. It doesn't hurt that bad. What? You mean maybe he's doing so I'll pee on him? I never thought of it that way."
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | October 30, 2006 8:17 PM
That? Oh, that's just my boy grazing on my warts.
Posted by: David Ruderman | October 30, 2006 9:58 PM
I just realized that I'm talking into an upside-down corndog. That would explain the canola oil in my ear, which has dripped all the way down to my ankle -- hey!!!
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 30, 2006 10:19 PM
Yeah, ever since we talked him back into the building from off of that tightrope, he's been extremely hesitant to actually stand up.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | October 30, 2006 10:21 PM
"Oh, nothing much. Howsabout by you?"
Posted by: Tim C. | October 30, 2006 10:48 PM
"Nope, all I've managed to learn is that I taste not unlike chicken."
"I am so fucking hot for you right now. If you're into me, just look at me and say 'Yes'. I just wanna get some hookers and some blow and just -- excuse me, can this wait? I'm on the phone."
"Yes, hello, Kelly Temps? I believe there's been another misunderstanding. For the last time, I requested a *rapid* typist. Honestly, first you send me a tepid rapist, and now this."
"Hey, listen, has anyone told the guy who had this office that I'm replacing him? What's that? I replaced a woman? Huh. Well, then who the fuck is this guy chewing on my ankle?"
Posted by: Tim C. | October 30, 2006 10:55 PM
"Nah, I've only got to do it for three more minutes, and then we trade places."
"So, we've replaced the money-fetching dog with a biting guy. Yeah, I don't know what Pinch was thinking, either."
"The Weinstein Company, how may I direct your call?"
"Yeah, Malcolm Gladwell said it's a counterintuitively good idea, but between you and me, I'm kind of beginning to think he's just making things up now."
"Y'know, things around Sunnyvale Heights have been really unpleasant, ever since the neighboring town got destroyed."
"Yes, hello, New York Post? Y'know those adages about dog-bites-man versus man-bites-dog? Well, I have something that might or might not be of interest to you."
"Yes, this is Cannibal, Cannibal, Wilkinson & Cannibal, Attorneys-at-Law. You've reached Mr. Wilkinson."
Posted by: Tim C. | October 31, 2006 12:51 AM
"So, the pitch is, it's 'Saw" meets 'In Good Company', and here's the beauty part: It's based on a true story! No, I'm not sure how it ends just yet -- let me call you back."
Posted by: Tim C. | October 31, 2006 1:01 AM
Yes, I lured him into my office this morning under false pretenses, once I saw the money had been transferred into my account. The only thing I ask is that you do it someplace else, as his disappearance will already be met with great sadness and concern by the many friends he's made and lives he's touched working here over the years. Thank you.
Posted by: David John | October 31, 2006 10:45 AM
"Oh, yes, that's good, that's nice, but just a little higher. I said, a little higher. Is this walkie-talkie working? Hello? *tap tap* Hello? Hmm, maybe I should just lean over and talk to you directly."
Posted by: Francis | October 31, 2006 11:06 AM
"Jane, can you cancel my 2:30 and get me the HR guy in charge of rabies."
Posted by: Eric | October 31, 2006 11:08 AM
"First they cut my health benefits, then my 401k matching contributions, and now this. I'm calling Lou Dobbs."
Posted by: Anonymous | October 31, 2006 11:14 AM
"Yes, I'll hold."
Posted by: Eric | October 31, 2006 11:14 AM
"No, I enjoy the odor. And the added attention they bring. I just hadn't realized socks made from beef jerky would be so damned itchy."
Posted by: J | October 31, 2006 11:27 AM
"...so now apparently I am also an Ankpire... Yes, it did sound stupid when I said it. It appears I've been a little too passive through this whole experience. Can I call you back?"
Posted by: Charles | October 31, 2006 1:32 PM
"No, *literally* literally at my heels!"
Posted by: hmmm | October 31, 2006 4:11 PM
Hello Mr. Sub? Do you still have that foot-long special? Does it come with an ankle attached or is that extra?
Posted by: SK | October 31, 2006 6:28 PM
I've called Friends and Family of Ankle Biters Anonymous three times and tried the old "Put a Picture of a Sailboat On The Wall Trick," and still nada. What's that? Salt on his head?
Posted by: SK | October 31, 2006 6:40 PM
I would give up on him, love or no love, if he wasn't such a genius at mariner genre oils.
Posted by: SK | October 31, 2006 6:43 PM
We call him Donny and he seems to like that and the work. But really, what business do you have staring at us through our slightly raised window treatment, anyway??
Posted by: SK | October 31, 2006 6:50 PM
I used to be obsessed with saving for the monitor and CPU....now all I can think about is him and how wrinkled his suits become.
Posted by: SK | October 31, 2006 6:54 PM
Hello, this is John in suite 401. Can you send someone up here to fix my doorknob?
Posted by: A to the K | October 31, 2006 8:35 PM
"It's for the new ad campaign: 'What I wouldn't do for a pair of those Berlutis'. Maybe a little lowbrow for our demographic."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 31, 2006 11:02 PM
"Frankly, Francis, I'd rather be sailing. Hmm. Someone ought to make a bumper sticker that says that. 'Frankly, Francis.' Yeah, I like it."
Posted by: mypalmike | October 31, 2006 11:10 PM
"Fraternal Order of Men with Child-Bearing Hips. How may I help you?"
Posted by: J.D. | November 1, 2006 1:06 AM
"Uh, yeah, Security?... We're getting glory holed over here right now and uh, my colleague is repulsed 'cause he just yanked on it."
Posted by: POw/daBO | November 1, 2006 6:08 AM
"Hi, I'm calling in regards to the tight rope case seven days ago... My client would like to come clean about the accident. Said he called Mr. Lippshitz a coke whore and some other stuff just before he fell."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 1, 2006 6:28 AM
Drive Savers? It's me Radosh again... Huh?... Oh yeah. I got the Gerry Ford picture. I'm looking at it right now, thanks. Say, um, my computer's fucked up again. I think I'm being sabotaged..."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 1, 2006 6:44 AM
"I don't have a problem with the corns persay, just the people eating them."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 1, 2006 6:49 AM
"Marcy, ever since you told him you were boning that cave guy he's gone primal."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 1, 2006 6:57 AM
"Yeah, New Yorker? It's Leo, the cartoonist. Why didn't you run the one where he's getting butt fucked? That was funnier."
Posted by: PO w/da BO | November 1, 2006 7:03 AM
"My eyes bulge out like a stripper's breast implants. It is a symptom of Graves disease, that is, an overactive thyroid. That's why people shun me -- or worse, laugh at me. Former First Lady Barbara Bush suffers from the same affliction."
Posted by: J.D. | November 1, 2006 2:48 PM
"The first rule of Bite Club is: 'you do not talk about Bite Club'. The second rule of Bite Club is 'you do not talk about Bite Club'."
Posted by: murph | November 1, 2006 3:36 PM
"Um...hello. I am Jack's sore upper ankle."
Posted by: murph | November 1, 2006 3:39 PM
"So his behavior is 'very funny?' I knew it. Thanks, TBS."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 1, 2006 5:01 PM
"He threw a used manpon at me and then started biting my ankle. Well, that's what he called it as he pulled it out of his... Yeah, it's sitting on my desk."
Posted by: mypalmike | November 1, 2006 5:04 PM
"Yes, hello, security? This is Mr. Achilles. We have a situation here that looks like it could turn deadly."
Posted by: Tim C. | November 1, 2006 11:54 PM
"...and my brother and I were out hiking, and I got my foot caught in a bear trap, and so I tried to gnaw it off, but I just couldn't manage it. So I asked my brother if he would gnaw it off for me, and he asked if it wouldn't be better for everyone concerned if he just opened the bear trap. So that's what he did, but I always thought it felt...anticlimactic, you know? But life went on, and eventually I found myself here, holding down the same vice president spot at Amalgamated Droopknob for 15 years running, and I feel like my whole life has become a sort of bear trap, you know? So that's why I decided I needed to call a professional. What? Oh, no, honey, not a psychiatrist -- you know I think psychiatrists are full of shit. I called a male prostitution agency to ask if they had anyone willing to gnaw off my foot. And they did! He's not done yet, but I already feel freer. Anyway, I just thought I should tell you I might be home a little late."
Posted by: Francis | November 2, 2006 11:03 AM
"Joanne? I need you to call the exterminator. Yes, the people exterminator."
Posted by: Francis | November 2, 2006 12:27 PM
"Yes, Ma, I know Joe Torre would probably have an orgasm if it happened to him but I'm not Joe Torre and I just want this guy off my ankle. What'd they do in the old country when this happened?"
"Well, you know what they say, It's a businessjerk-eat-businessjerk world."
"I can probably get you 3.2 for six-and-a-half but the margin call is gonna--YOUUUUU FILL UP MY SENNNNSES!--geez, sorry, Al, Anne Coulter's gnawing on my leg and just hit the sweet spot. Anyway, like I said the margin call's gonna be a bitch if the Japanese notice."
"Me? Well, I'm 5'11" with brown hair and brown eyes. Prosperous physique. Traditional styling but with an urban edge. Oh, and my resentful younger brother has been grasping my ankle with his teeth since 1991."
Posted by: TG Gibbon | November 2, 2006 1:53 PM
"Well, I accused him of eating the plug off my heating pad, and he seems to have taken it very badly".
Posted by: stcoleridge | November 2, 2006 5:05 PM
A little more tongue Harold.
Posted by: DF | November 3, 2006 12:40 AM
"Hello, Mr. President? Haggard here - I'm gonna have to skip this week's White House conference call - I have some heavy-duty, uh, ministering going on here right now. OK, thanks."
Posted by: Vance | November 3, 2006 12:52 AM
"I am fat and ugly, so I am not picky about what sort of affection I attract and from whom."
Posted by: J.D. | November 3, 2006 12:52 PM
"Hello, Mr. President? Me again, sorry to bother you. I just wanted to clarify one thing. It's not so much that I'm 'ministering' right now as that I'm busy getting a completely non-erotic ankle massage. Got that? Great. Oh, one more thing - I'm stoned to the teeth on meth."
Posted by: Vance | November 3, 2006 3:38 PM
Has the innuendo of the command "Chomp!" lost it's aggressive yet titillating implications in the new millenium?
Posted by: Amy | November 3, 2006 6:09 PM
Final scene from The Senior Product Manager, the Assistant Human Resources Specialist, his Wife, and her Lover.
Posted by: mypalmike | November 5, 2006 1:27 AM
Hello, HR? Henderson's bitten off my phone cord again. Can you send someone up?
Posted by: Michael | November 5, 2006 11:49 AM
Hi, honey. Listen: they've locked me in, cut my phone cord and unleashed the dog trainer on me, so go ahead and start dinner without me.
Posted by: Michael | November 5, 2006 11:52 AM
Hello? Cesar Millan?
Posted by: Michael | November 5, 2006 11:53 AM
"It's true: Jenkins looks even sillier without the furry outfit."
"Get this: When he wakes up, he'll see the picture of his penis on my desk!"
"There's something I still don't understand: What is that flat thing on my desk?"
"I told him that my ankle is gluten-free, and I haven't been able to shake him off since."
Posted by: David | November 5, 2006 12:13 PM
so you're saying all I need to do to open my office door is to move my desk so it isn't blocking it anymore? Well I'll be. I thought for sure Richards biting my ankle would do the trick.
Posted by: owen | November 6, 2006 2:44 AM
What really scares me is that I think it is my alter ego.
Posted by: Charles | November 6, 2006 1:53 PM