September 25, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #68

Blah, blah, blah, click here, blah, blah.


Posted by Daniel Radosh


Fuck doors, the focus groups in our market segment responded more positively to frogurt.

“And please avoid jokes involving ejaculate. They’re considered unsemenly.”

"As you can see from our superpowered holographic electron microscope, sperm look much more like Volvos than we had previously suspected."

"Hostess laid off 10,000 workers, and we rehired them for a song."

"I think it sounds more like 'Splorp.'"

"If we can get just one car pregnant, it will all be worth it."

"We've really diversified since the days Grandpa Henry said you can have any flavor as long as it's chocolate."

Idiot! I told you I wanted to make more cars, not make 'Smores cars.

"They're for the Jeff Koons "Frosting on Cars" exhibit at the Guggenheim. It's got frosting. And cars."

"They were specially ordered by a Mr. G. Zilla for some sort of reception he's having."

"Sweet ride."

I've always wondered how they get the toothpaste into the tube -- even if it is a really big tube. Big Tube. Hee hee. You aren't going to file harassment a complaint now, are you? I mean, it's totally okay if you like to orally pleasure other men. Really. But, you know, it is a big tube. I'm going to go back to playing Bejewelled now.

"I don't think trying to steal some of Willy Wonka's market is going to help GM."

"We're working on removing that big tube that sprays foam all over the cars."

"They're supposedly much in demand by the Japanese fetish market segment. Weird, huh?"

"Hey, it wasn't my idea! You're the one who told us we had to work on sundaes."

"It's our new hybrid car: It's a cross between a gasoline-powered vehicle, and an extraordinarily stupid idea."

"'Why are you wasting all that perfectly good whipped cream by spraying it on those cars?' Huh. Most people ask that question the other way around. Interesting."

"Mr. Jobs is testing his theory that, if he puts a lowercase 'i' in front of it, he can sell anything, even the iWhippedCreamCoatedCar."

"Ever since the giant mutant condors started terrorizing our city, we've had to add one more step to our safety testing facility."

"Phallic? I don't see it."

"Stop spraying that crap on the cars? Yeah, right. Then what are we going to do with the machine that cleans that crap off the cars? Use your head, Emerson!"

"So, all these workers were offered severance packages this morning, and -- holy shit!"

"That reminds me: I need to go fuck something."

That machine seems to be malfunctioning. It is covering the cars with some sort of goop.

The hours here are obscene.

"This is what we call advanced technology here at Ford: our first hybrid vehicle. Granted, it's a hybrid between an SUV and a soufflé, but we're way ahead of GM."

(Oops, didn't refresh the page before seeing Tim's hybrid reference...)

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

They taste better this way.

"You were right...skipping the frosting step altogether was much easier than building that expensive and woefully ineffective robo-licker."

"This is what a modern automobile factory looks like."

"It's bird shit. Kind of a pre-emptize strike, I guess you could say."

Economists like to say that GM is just a massive pension fund that happens to make cars. Well, now they'll have to say that GM is just a massive pension fund that happens to make cars with whipped cream on top.

Now this is what I call autoerotic!

And this is our new carjacking facility.

"You're quite right, there are too many windows on those cars. That gets fixed at a later stage in the process. Oh, dear, I think the waxer is malfunctioning."

"Can you do something about the heat in here? The ice cream melts much too quickly."

And this is the unit of the plant designated to doing stuff that looks like some bullshit from a Michel Gondry movie.

"The bastards will eat this up!"


"Finally! We've built a better fetish"


"I know this is terrible, but I love it when those little guys gets it full in the face. It's a horrible sight -- the cream burns their skin and they shriek and cry as though their souls are coming apart. But I can't help it. It makes me laugh."

"Think of it as, uh, value added?"

"Just think, Mr Ford, if your family and their rich friends hadn't spent so much time and money preventing this country from adopting comprehensive cradle-to-grave healthcare and retirement systems your company wouldn't be saddled with such massive financial commitments and you'd still be chairman and could do something about that giant nozzle squirting cinnabon filling on the new Aerostars, suckah!"

"If you're freaked out by what they're putting on the cars on the assembly line you sure as hell don't want to know about what's going on down there at that pastry cart."

"I spoke to my sister Hermione yesterday. She asked after you. 'How is that old car-slathering bastard?' she said. I had to tell her it's gotten worse. Please, John, you know we want to help you."

"You see, sir, the idea we're trying to get across is that these cars are cherry. Ha ha ha! Get it? Whipped cream and a cherry? Ha ha ha ha ha... ha... Oh, God, I'm fired now, aren't I."

"Stupid? Stupid? You're telling me this is stupid? For crying out loud, Frank, this isn't the '90s anymore! Celebrity endorsements for SUV's just aren't that easy to get. Shit, even Schwarzenegger's switched to smaller cars now. So we get an offer from Herb Alpert and his Tijuana Brass, what the fuck did you expect us to do? Turn it down?!"

"Sir, we've discovered why our clearcoat machine has been overtaken by malicious blancmanges. They mean to win Daytona!"

"And so we thought, what says 'family car' better than, 'goo'?"

"And this, gentlemen, is really the frosting on the cake."

"Dr. Z recently converted this plant to full-time production of the Chrysler Cruller."

Yes, they prefer to hire short people here, but the union fines us for every oompa loompa reference, so keep it to yourself.

I know it's warm in here, but our motto is, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the testis."

It's roof cemenT, what did you think I said?

Yes, they prefer to hire short people here, but the union fines us for every oompa loompa reference, so keep it to yourself.

I know it's warm in here, but our motto is, "If you can't take the heat, get out of the testis."

It's roof cemenT, what did you think I said?

In this final step, the cars are conveyed backwards past this giant suction device that removes the white substance from the roof. I'm afraid the composition, origin, and purpose of the white substance are proprietary. And by 'proprietary' I mean 'too disturbing to contemplate.'

"You see, the skylight option then becomes pure profit!"

You designed a car that looks like a fucking potato. What did you expect? A luggage rack?

"Good God you're right! Without jimmies these cars look ridiculous!"

"You see Hal, 'The Heartbeat of America' has lost its impact. Today's motto is 'Love comes in spurts!'"

"Well, sure, we can halt production. But the name 'Nissan Bukkake' focus-grouped like you wouldn't believe!"

"Actually the machine is silent and the material odorless. I just farted."

"And handling the nozzle we have two new gals, I think their names are Lucy and Ethel ..."

"Sales are down, so we're working on a low-fat model."

For the last time, sometime tell that damn giant robot that crack in the roof is NOT a glory hole?

"I don't get it."

"You'd think this would've been a Gahan Wilson cartoon, but no."

"Of course it is fucking weird! We are Cirque de fucking Soleil!"

These cars are shipping to Miami: that's SPF 40.

"It's the best reality show ever. Night and day we have Star Wars fans doing all their jacking off right upstairs. In shifts. Millions of them."

"Next step is the tongue machine, followed by a cinnamon rinse. They're then wrapped in white underwear cotton and button-fly denim after which they hit the streets, ready to roll."

"Wow, who'd have thought the Peter North detailing machine would turn out to be so popular?"

Feel like splurging on a new car?

Like it? We call it 'Monica.'

So, wait -- this wasn't what you meant when you ordered me to build a new Hummer factory?

That machine has been doing that ever since the employee in charge of its maintenance died of cancer. He had three children, aged 12, 9, and 6.

The "fluffer" is the only non-union job on the line.

We can't get our stock holders to swallow it.

It's the happy finish.

Remember when we had to do this by hand?

Yeah, Halliburton just acquired Sarah Lee...these government contracts are a real bitch

We've certainly learned a few things today. For one thing, we now know that flying saucers are actually square. Probably so their fleet can stay in that orderly formation as they maneuver between our buildings. For another thing, it's obviously not our women they're after.

"disability claims are down 31% since we forced them to start wearing the WWI-style 'doughboy' helmets."

Well, what do YOU think the last step of the Hummer proceess should be?

These new models cum fully loaded.

Below they're filming for the European spin-off of "Pimp My Ride."

How the hell should I know? I'm an executive for an American automobile company, so by definition I'm totally clueless. Let's go play golf.

Eight fockin' days in Brainstorming and I was goin' fockin' crazy. And then it happened, Mike... A fockin' epiphany... "YOU WANT SEXY?! YOU WANT SEXY?! I'LL give ya SEXY!!! AAAHH! AAAHH! AAAAAHH!!!!!

And then he goes, "I don't care if you have to SHOVE them up ARNIE'S ASS!!!" ...All right, if you say so... This caravan leaves for Sacramento in ten.

Ooh, ooh, Tim... Right there, right ovah there. Look it how dat goo is oozing inta dat open sunroof!... Gawd, I love production... Dat don't sound gay do it?

And we're gonna have Paris Hilton lick them all off, that tight-little-fucking cunt... Ahem, Excuse me sir... It's a promotional piece designed to break away from the xB's "bread box" stigma and celebrate its clean lines.

OSHA rules pretty much prohibit my guys from partaking in Casual Fridays so we have fun in other ways. If you would follow me this way we'll see how my guys in tailpipes and grommets are doing.

Sir, welcome back, Sir. I just wanted to assure you that since your long-awaited, well-deserved boat excursion Sir that we have been fully operational and that the trust you entrusted in me Sir is paying off and when you said, "Go big, Mike", I did Sir and that you can trust in me, Mike "Go Big" Espinoza.

I'm sure the Chinese aren't doing this.

You said you wanted a soft top!

All the kids in the 'hood are doing it, chief, I'm telling you! It's the next 'rims.'

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: sex sells! sex sells! And there's nothing sexier for our cars than a big splooge Bubba's cum!

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: sex sells! sex sells! And there's nothing sexier for our cars than a big splooge of P.Diddy's cum!

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: sex sells! sex sells! And there's nothing sexier for our cars than a big splooge from the sperm bank.

whoops- #2 above should be:

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times: sex sells! sex sells! And there's nothing sexier for our cars than a big splooge of Bubba's cum!

I said make it look like a Hyundai, not a sundae. Twit.

"Just say 'Volvo' fast ten times and it will all make perfect sense."

"For the ad campaign we were thinking o' goin' real classy, maybe a British actor on the voice-over -- Peter O'Toole or perhaps Alan Cumming. Of course we could probably do just as well for a lot cheaper with a Michael Cumpsty."

The body alone just wasn't saying "Fuck You" loud enough for this demographic...

"The Aristocrat!"

“Take my hand, Frank, and I’ll fly you to the enchanted rooms where we make mechanical gumdrops and nougat-filled television sets.”

I wish I were dead. Also, the car making machine is fucked again.

Yes, I do have a small penis and a propensity for subconsciously acting out my issues in a work environment, why do you ask?

Hmmmm? Oh, that's "Money Shot" Sam. He's got the best stroke in the business. His wife and mine play bridge on Thursdays.

"Inefficiencies? Everyone here is critical to our process. From left to right you can see: two guidesmen, one spooge operator, two rivet inspectors, and two guys doing lines on our specially mirrored coke table. Well, now that you mention it, I suppose we could cut back on rivet inspections."

"All this talk of Viagra and penile implants reminds me of a charming story about my own ... government's dismantling of the Fourth Amendment."

"Who knew giant sandworms even existed, let alone had such a hard-on for Toyota Camries?"

We are drawn darker to indicate we are the central focus of the cartoon.

"Don't worry...it dries clear."

"In this economy, we have to be creative if we want to sell these gas guzzlers, sir. Seriously, name me one person that can resist buttercream icing?!

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