The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #66
Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.
Results after the jump
Thanks for an excellent round of submissions, everyone. Read 'em all. It's the best batch in weeks.
Winner
"Ah, anachronism is such an endless fount of humor. I chuckle every time I look at that early Klee piece in its ornate Renaissance frame." — Rubrick
Finalists
"Well, I'll be -- putting rouge and earrings on your dog IS forbidden by the ancient texts! Shit." —The Confidence Man
"I go right for the crossword. She goes right for the part about how I can't come near her when she's menstruating." —Tim C.
Comments
"This is so ironic. I sold my Babylonian slave (who can translate cuneiform) to buy you *that* ancient tablet written in Linear B!"
Posted by: Francis | September 11, 2006 11:51 AM
"It's nice to be so rich that we can use priceless relics as boogie boards. Now let's go buy a sousaphone and pee in it."
Posted by: Francis | September 11, 2006 11:53 AM
"Hey, look. It's Page Six!"
Posted by: Deborah | September 11, 2006 11:58 AM
"Ha ha! Oh, honey, you won't believe the mischief that Imhotep the Menace gets himself into today."
Posted by: Francis | September 11, 2006 12:00 PM
"Thou shalt not commit adultery - now they tell me God Damnit! Do'h I just took the name of the Lord my God in vain!" "What dear?" "Never mind honey. I just love Geraldo!"
Posted by: Slip Whitsun | September 11, 2006 12:09 PM
"I must say I do like the larger-format, rounded-corner matzoh... but dear, isn't yours a little, um... leavened???"
Posted by: Vance | September 11, 2006 12:20 PM
"Heh - that stupid novelty-tombstone salesman: 'You can't take it with you,' he says. But we did!"
Posted by: Vance | September 11, 2006 12:29 PM
What's this? Honor thy father and mother...by having sex 3 times a week? Look honey, it says it right here in hieroglyphics.
Posted by: Joe | September 11, 2006 1:06 PM
It says "Louie, Louie. We gotta go now. Louie, Louie - and then I can't make any of the rest of it out...what about on your copy, hon?"
Posted by: junior | September 11, 2006 1:41 PM
Now it's your turn to smash the dog over the head!
Posted by: npm | September 11, 2006 2:20 PM
"Time to boogieboard!"
Posted by: Derek | September 11, 2006 2:22 PM
"Oy vei!"
Posted by: J | September 11, 2006 2:23 PM
Think of it...after you've had your operation, the only way anyone will know we're twins is by looking at our birth certificates, which I've had specially reproduced to look like ancient runestones. Happy birthday, "sis"!
Posted by: Dave | September 11, 2006 2:28 PM
"It's all Greek to me!"
"You read the Sumerian Evening Post too?"
"Crane crane water kneeling man ankh!"
Posted by: Patrick Broderick | September 11, 2006 2:51 PM
Well, I'll be -- putting rouge and earrings on your dog IS forbidden by the ancient texts! Shit.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 11, 2006 2:56 PM
Darling, I'll remove my runic penis snood if you'll remove yours.
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 11, 2006 2:57 PM
just how much fiber do these have again?
Posted by: Owen | September 11, 2006 3:05 PM
"So I said 'Cuneiform? More like CUNYiform!' Because she went to the City University of New York, get it? Oh, Christ. I'm no good at prop comedy."
Posted by: Dan McCoy | September 11, 2006 3:25 PM
"You sunk my trireme!"
"Okay, we've got steamed dumplings, hot and sour soup, pork fried rice, General Tso's chicken, shrimp lo mein, and lychee dessert. But I still don't see anything good in column C or column G."
"Isn't it romantic how we got each other the exact same novelty Hallmark cards for our anniversary?"
"Don't worry honey; nobody can tell that these tablets are just like books. Anyway, they don't burn until they hit 951° Fahrenheit, so even if the firemen do try to destroy them we'll be safe."
Posted by: Jesse | September 11, 2006 4:07 PM
"See? I was right...It says I can't 'covet' his wife... nothing about whether I can bang her or not."
Posted by: al in la | September 11, 2006 4:53 PM
"Boy, this newspaper IS old...they have the Braves in 1st place in the N.L. East."
Posted by: al in la (huge Mets fan BTW) | September 11, 2006 5:00 PM
Um, Page VI says that backstabber Brutus is fueding with Caesar again.
Posted by: al in la | September 11, 2006 5:38 PM
Honey, can you pass me your Braille tablet? I've finally gone blind.
Posted by: Mike C. | September 11, 2006 5:47 PM
The words of ancient wisdom on this tablet advise me not to say this, but those big black circles running up the sides of your dress really make your ass look enormous.
Posted by: Walt | September 11, 2006 5:55 PM
"Did you read this article about Ellen, which claims 'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectet adipscing elit?' Seems to me, that's exactly what's wrong with the world."
Posted by: RichM | September 11, 2006 6:02 PM
"You didn't tell me it was porn!"
Posted by: Francis | September 11, 2006 6:16 PM
My lord you're right. Mary and Joseph gave Vanity Fair an exclusive on the first baby Jesus pictures.
Posted by: al in la | September 11, 2006 6:47 PM
"Happy 50th anniversary honey. I got us a pair of his and hers portable ironing boards!"
Posted by: mypalmike | September 11, 2006 6:50 PM
"These Zune players put the iPod to shame."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 11, 2006 7:03 PM
I guess this is what they mean by hard news.
Posted by: (Too embrassed to reveal) | September 11, 2006 7:25 PM
It says here that Cheney's theory about Saddam's WMDs wasn't carved in stone after all...
Posted by: simsburybear | September 11, 2006 7:42 PM
I'm beginning to understand Mel Gibson's beef with tablet journalism.
Posted by: Amy | September 11, 2006 9:14 PM
"How goes your decrypting?"
"Can you pass me the sports tablet?"
"I think I see the face of Jesus. Jackpot!"
"No, I told you to pick me up some tabloids."
"Don't you just love the juxtaposition of ancient Egypt with modern America?"
"My crotch hurts."
Posted by: Harry | September 11, 2006 10:27 PM
"So I drank the ayahuasca tea, and now the dog is explaining Schroedinger's cat, and I see myself in another dimension on the couch as a really ugly female, and together we are reading the original manuscript of Gilgamesh, but in different eras at the same time. Still, I somehow expected so much more ..."
Posted by: J.D. | September 11, 2006 10:46 PM
"See? I told you all that great loot from Baghdad would show up on Ebay. Aren't you glad we voted Republican?"
Posted by: J.D. | September 11, 2006 10:48 PM
"Yes, I remember Victoria Roberts winning the award for best penmanship in the fifth grade. Wonder whatever happened to her?"
Posted by: J.D. | September 11, 2006 10:51 PM
"I go right for the crossword. She goes right for the part about how I can't come near her when she's menstruating."
"Hey, they've got a new columnist starting today -- some kid named 'Cindy Adams'."
"God, I don't know what we did for fun before we bought these comically-oversized Carr's Table Water Crackers. Quick! Go get the giant wedge of cheese, and we'll pretend to be mice at a book party again!"
"Okay, now on three, we both swing the tablets toward the dog's head as fast as we possibly can!"
"I have to say, I admire the Wall Street Journal's decision to have their format match their editorial page."
Posted by: Tim C. | September 12, 2006 12:07 AM
"Oh, man. Kurt Eichenwald has this story about how there's this new trend of first-born children getting slaughtered. All I can say is, he'd better have the research to support it."
"Avert your eyes, Marion!"
Posted by: Tim C. | September 12, 2006 12:11 AM
Mmmm ... corn.
Posted by: kickassninja | September 12, 2006 1:43 AM
"Mommy won't take you for walkies, Mil, because she's passive-aggressive. But you can always count on Daddy. He's reliable and true to his word. And loyal. And he knows how to suppress his selfish urges for the common good. Yes he does!"
"I just remembered, I can't read cuneiform. Aren't I a silly goose, Mil?"
"Blah blah blah Count Chocula blah blah blah Whore of Babylon blah blah blah long story short my barbershop quartet needs a fourth."
"Look at this, Mils, it's the original script for 'American Beauty.'"
"My god! It's the missing 18 and a half minutes from the Nebuchadnezzar transcript!"
"According to this quiz in Cosmo I'm the Anti-Christ!"
Posted by: TG Gibbon | September 12, 2006 12:54 PM
It's all Greek to me.
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:29 PM
Unfortunately, Mrs. Johnson, I don't think these are originals, and don't have any value beyond sentimental attachment. See the tell-tale eleventh commandment: Vote for Rick!
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:33 PM
Who knew the New Yorker's been around this long? I told you we should have ordered our back issues on CD-Rom.
(Warning: will be used in future magazine house ads.)
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:35 PM
Even back then, the Lockhorns were still funnier.
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:36 PM
Much as I like my new life as a Luddite, Marion, this thing is pressing on my bladder way more than my Blackberry ever did.
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:37 PM
I think Mel Gibson is starting to carry the DVD extras thing too far.
Posted by: Eric | September 12, 2006 1:38 PM
"I'm turning into my mother."
(Alternate: "I'm turning into my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.")
Posted by: Vance | September 12, 2006 2:47 PM
"...and it turned out the little dog was right there in the garage the whole time! -- Page Two!... ahem... Myrtle, I said, 'Page Two!'"
Posted by: Vance | September 12, 2006 2:49 PM
"These tablets are quite fascinating. I think I *will* call that fellow in the morning!"
Posted by: Francis | September 12, 2006 3:04 PM
"Reassuring isn't it that there actually are a few things etched in Stone. Stone Phillips I mean. Glad somebody finally took a pick-axe to that pompous blowhard. Now help me get these oversized tongue depressors to the office so I can finish examining the giant. I've already taken his pulse ..."
Posted by: J.D. | September 12, 2006 3:46 PM
"That's the last time I ask Major-General Stanley to write our washing bills."
Posted by: Slide | September 12, 2006 3:49 PM
Even with the latest technology, it was inevitable that these 20-exobyte memory sticks would be a bit bulky. But on the plus side, we can use them to record high-def digital video of the entire rest of our lives, and then use them for our tombstones. Ironically, the attractive package design highlights the vanity, superficiality, and wretched excess of that idea, and of our lives in general.
Posted by: Walt | September 12, 2006 3:59 PM
"You big silly...I said I wanted to read something on Iraq, not something on a rock."
Posted by: al in la | September 12, 2006 5:01 PM
What liberal media?
Posted by: The Confidence Man | September 12, 2006 5:05 PM
"Yep, these will work fine for our tombstones. I'll go lay them against the coffins in the bedroom."
Posted by: Deborah | September 12, 2006 5:19 PM
Huh! Says here that jar-quail-hand leaf-mouth hand-vulture-hand.
Posted by: Alison | September 12, 2006 9:24 PM
I think the "hard news" caption is a potential real contest finalist.
Posted by: mypalmike | September 12, 2006 9:38 PM
"The writing was on the wall. But now it's in our laps. Thank you, Mr. Chisel!"
Posted by: mypalmike | September 12, 2006 9:46 PM
"Let's get Rosetta stoned. Rosetta is our dog."
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 11:47 AM
"So it would seem my human masters are truly the primitive ones. Quelle ironique!"
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 12:03 PM
"I wish I knew how to read this."
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 12:09 PM
"Yesterday's news, huh?"
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 12:15 PM
Yours is blank because women are stupid.
Posted by: alan | September 13, 2006 12:19 PM
"No, not a Tablet PC. I said, 'It's a tablet piece. See?' Besides, I find Tablet PCs to be far more unwieldy.”
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 12:37 PM
Hmm, it says here that Ba'al requires an animal sacrifice. Well, it was nice having you as a pet, Sparky, but this looks like the end of the line. Sorry, but we have to slake the bloodlust of our pagan god. You're going to be burned alive.
Aw, look at his face...He knows what “burned alive” means!
Posted by: Andrew Wright | September 13, 2006 1:18 PM
You know, the local newspaper's gotten a lot more conservative lately. Maybe that's why instead of reading the paper, we've taken to amusing ourselves with these stone tablets. That reminds me: Are we having the flesh of the Bedouin nomads from whom we stole these for dinner again tonight?
Posted by: John Tabin | September 13, 2006 4:24 PM
"Mmm, I just love the baguette we get in Paris. Paris, Texas."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 14, 2006 12:10 AM
"It's painful, and I've had it for more than 4 hours. I think I should go see a doctor, like the prescription says."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 14, 2006 12:28 AM
"Vulgar? What's so vulgar about me reenacting my favorite scene from American Pie? Also, oooh."
Posted by: mypalmike | September 14, 2006 12:34 AM
"Uh-oh, problems in the Middle East again."
Posted by: murph | September 14, 2006 7:17 AM
Wow...This ancient tablet includes a poem that is remarkably similar to the lyrics from Blowin' In The Wind.
Posted by: al in la | September 14, 2006 1:21 PM
It's cunniform, not cuneiform, which is why I'm drinking it in.
Posted by: david s | September 14, 2006 4:28 PM
"No question about it. Slate kicks the New Yorker's ass."
Posted by: Rubrick | September 14, 2006 5:11 PM
"Ah, anachronism is such an endless fount of humor. I chuckle every time I look at that early Klee piece in its ornate Renaissance frame."
Posted by: Rubrick | September 14, 2006 5:19 PM
You've gotta read Dilberthotep
today.
Posted by: danny | September 14, 2006 5:52 PM
"Ten said Dolph of hay, into please predation as."
Posted by: Jim Treacher | September 14, 2006 10:29 PM
"A little rosacia on that nose and you'd. look just like J. P. Morgan in drag. Nice f'-me slingbacks though."
Posted by: J.D. | September 15, 2006 8:32 AM
"Sunday Styles says clay is the next hot accessory."
"Frogs tomorrow, locusts Sunday. . . I guess we can forget about that picnic."
"Uh-oh. Pharaoh says he has evidence the Kushites are trying to acquire weapons of dual destruction."
"I never noticed that little front-page ad before: 'Jewish girls and mothers, turn over your first-born sons by 6:20 Friday night.'"
"Oh, look. Kohl's has the new iron plows now - but I'd like to wait a season and see if the price goes down."
Posted by: gary | September 15, 2006 11:30 AM
gary has 3 real-life winners.
Posted by: anonymous | September 15, 2006 12:43 PM
"We've been together a long time, dear - a long, long, loooooong time... and one thing I've never asked you: Why did you repeatedly slash our priceless wall art with a knife? And are you planning on getting it repaired or replaced?"
Posted by: Vance | September 16, 2006 1:02 AM
"So you think my comb-over is amusing, do you? Well that's okay I guess. Oh by the way, there's a mosquito on the back of your neck, but don't worry, I'll get it."
Posted by: Robbo | September 16, 2006 1:41 AM
"Well here we are dear, 4000 years into the future."
Posted by: Robbo | September 16, 2006 1:54 AM
"I don't know what our hairless cat/dog with a goose body and a five o'clock shadow has to do with these old tablets, but I feel like getting naked and posing motionless in the middle of the room."
Posted by: rob | September 16, 2006 1:59 AM
I was thinking of getting naked and posing motionless in the middle of the room. But why bother? As far as I can tell, references to previous cartoons never win this contest. And by the way, Martha, everyone knows your stone tablet is a clip-on.
Posted by: Walt | September 16, 2006 5:47 PM
Honey, I think our hybrid cat-dog just sharted!
Posted by: MarkP | September 17, 2006 5:19 AM
Whoops, I see Rob already mentioned the cat/dog thing... my apologies
Posted by: MarkP | September 17, 2006 5:27 AM
"That Savage guy recommends lubricant for begetting."
"Looks like Harry cooked up another winning caption."
"Heh. It seems that laughter has always been the best medicine!"
"Oh, that Cindy Adams! Her column never gets old!" (independent of Tim C.)
Posted by: David | September 17, 2006 9:55 AM
I think its ancient translation of Pig Latin to Egyptian. Yours?
Posted by: Anonymous | September 17, 2006 4:19 PM
With these gravestones, everyone will think we our Egyptian!
I want a divorce.
Posted by: Jesus | September 17, 2006 4:21 PM
"could you pass me the 'dear Hammurabi' section?"
Posted by: miguel | October 27, 2006 8:46 AM
"Hammurabi Van Buren?"
Posted by: miguel | October 27, 2006 8:47 AM
"Why, yes, Picasso-dog, I CAN read Phonecian runes...thanks for asking!"
Posted by: Adrian Wapcaplet | December 8, 2006 4:27 PM