September 11, 2006

The New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest #66

Submit the worst possible caption for this week's New Yorker cartoon. Click here for last week's results. Click here for an introduction and "rules" to this contest. Click here for amplification of those rules. Click here for contest index.


Results after the jump

Thanks for an excellent round of submissions, everyone. Read 'em all. It's the best batch in weeks.

"Ah, anachronism is such an endless fount of humor. I chuckle every time I look at that early Klee piece in its ornate Renaissance frame." — Rubrick

"Well, I'll be -- putting rouge and earrings on your dog IS forbidden by the ancient texts! Shit." —The Confidence Man

"I go right for the crossword. She goes right for the part about how I can't come near her when she's menstruating." —Tim C.

Posted by Daniel Radosh


"This is so ironic. I sold my Babylonian slave (who can translate cuneiform) to buy you *that* ancient tablet written in Linear B!"

"It's nice to be so rich that we can use priceless relics as boogie boards. Now let's go buy a sousaphone and pee in it."

"Hey, look. It's Page Six!"

"Ha ha! Oh, honey, you won't believe the mischief that Imhotep the Menace gets himself into today."

"Thou shalt not commit adultery - now they tell me God Damnit! Do'h I just took the name of the Lord my God in vain!" "What dear?" "Never mind honey. I just love Geraldo!"

"I must say I do like the larger-format, rounded-corner matzoh... but dear, isn't yours a little, um... leavened???"

"Heh - that stupid novelty-tombstone salesman: 'You can't take it with you,' he says. But we did!"

What's this? Honor thy father and mother...by having sex 3 times a week? Look honey, it says it right here in hieroglyphics.

It says "Louie, Louie. We gotta go now. Louie, Louie - and then I can't make any of the rest of it out...what about on your copy, hon?"

Now it's your turn to smash the dog over the head!

"Time to boogieboard!"

"Oy vei!"

Think of it...after you've had your operation, the only way anyone will know we're twins is by looking at our birth certificates, which I've had specially reproduced to look like ancient runestones. Happy birthday, "sis"!

"It's all Greek to me!"

"You read the Sumerian Evening Post too?"

"Crane crane water kneeling man ankh!"

Well, I'll be -- putting rouge and earrings on your dog IS forbidden by the ancient texts! Shit.

Darling, I'll remove my runic penis snood if you'll remove yours.

just how much fiber do these have again?

"So I said 'Cuneiform? More like CUNYiform!' Because she went to the City University of New York, get it? Oh, Christ. I'm no good at prop comedy."

"You sunk my trireme!"

"Okay, we've got steamed dumplings, hot and sour soup, pork fried rice, General Tso's chicken, shrimp lo mein, and lychee dessert. But I still don't see anything good in column C or column G."

"Isn't it romantic how we got each other the exact same novelty Hallmark cards for our anniversary?"

"Don't worry honey; nobody can tell that these tablets are just like books. Anyway, they don't burn until they hit 951° Fahrenheit, so even if the firemen do try to destroy them we'll be safe."

"See? I was right...It says I can't 'covet' his wife... nothing about whether I can bang her or not."

"Boy, this newspaper IS old...they have the Braves in 1st place in the N.L. East."

Um, Page VI says that backstabber Brutus is fueding with Caesar again.

Honey, can you pass me your Braille tablet? I've finally gone blind.

The words of ancient wisdom on this tablet advise me not to say this, but those big black circles running up the sides of your dress really make your ass look enormous.

"Did you read this article about Ellen, which claims 'Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectet adipscing elit?' Seems to me, that's exactly what's wrong with the world."

"You didn't tell me it was porn!"

My lord you're right. Mary and Joseph gave Vanity Fair an exclusive on the first baby Jesus pictures.

"Happy 50th anniversary honey. I got us a pair of his and hers portable ironing boards!"

"These Zune players put the iPod to shame."

I guess this is what they mean by hard news.

It says here that Cheney's theory about Saddam's WMDs wasn't carved in stone after all...

I'm beginning to understand Mel Gibson's beef with tablet journalism.

"How goes your decrypting?"

"Can you pass me the sports tablet?"

"I think I see the face of Jesus. Jackpot!"

"No, I told you to pick me up some tabloids."

"Don't you just love the juxtaposition of ancient Egypt with modern America?"

"My crotch hurts."

"So I drank the ayahuasca tea, and now the dog is explaining Schroedinger's cat, and I see myself in another dimension on the couch as a really ugly female, and together we are reading the original manuscript of Gilgamesh, but in different eras at the same time. Still, I somehow expected so much more ..."

"See? I told you all that great loot from Baghdad would show up on Ebay. Aren't you glad we voted Republican?"

"Yes, I remember Victoria Roberts winning the award for best penmanship in the fifth grade. Wonder whatever happened to her?"

"I go right for the crossword. She goes right for the part about how I can't come near her when she's menstruating."

"Hey, they've got a new columnist starting today -- some kid named 'Cindy Adams'."

"God, I don't know what we did for fun before we bought these comically-oversized Carr's Table Water Crackers. Quick! Go get the giant wedge of cheese, and we'll pretend to be mice at a book party again!"

"Okay, now on three, we both swing the tablets toward the dog's head as fast as we possibly can!"

"I have to say, I admire the Wall Street Journal's decision to have their format match their editorial page."

"Oh, man. Kurt Eichenwald has this story about how there's this new trend of first-born children getting slaughtered. All I can say is, he'd better have the research to support it."

"Avert your eyes, Marion!"

Mmmm ... corn.

"Mommy won't take you for walkies, Mil, because she's passive-aggressive. But you can always count on Daddy. He's reliable and true to his word. And loyal. And he knows how to suppress his selfish urges for the common good. Yes he does!"

"I just remembered, I can't read cuneiform. Aren't I a silly goose, Mil?"

"Blah blah blah Count Chocula blah blah blah Whore of Babylon blah blah blah long story short my barbershop quartet needs a fourth."

"Look at this, Mils, it's the original script for 'American Beauty.'"

"My god! It's the missing 18 and a half minutes from the Nebuchadnezzar transcript!"

"According to this quiz in Cosmo I'm the Anti-Christ!"

It's all Greek to me.

Unfortunately, Mrs. Johnson, I don't think these are originals, and don't have any value beyond sentimental attachment. See the tell-tale eleventh commandment: Vote for Rick!

Who knew the New Yorker's been around this long? I told you we should have ordered our back issues on CD-Rom.

(Warning: will be used in future magazine house ads.)

Even back then, the Lockhorns were still funnier.

Much as I like my new life as a Luddite, Marion, this thing is pressing on my bladder way more than my Blackberry ever did.

I think Mel Gibson is starting to carry the DVD extras thing too far.

"I'm turning into my mother."

(Alternate: "I'm turning into my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather.")

"...and it turned out the little dog was right there in the garage the whole time! -- Page Two!... ahem... Myrtle, I said, 'Page Two!'"

"These tablets are quite fascinating. I think I *will* call that fellow in the morning!"

"Reassuring isn't it that there actually are a few things etched in Stone. Stone Phillips I mean. Glad somebody finally took a pick-axe to that pompous blowhard. Now help me get these oversized tongue depressors to the office so I can finish examining the giant. I've already taken his pulse ..."

"That's the last time I ask Major-General Stanley to write our washing bills."

Even with the latest technology, it was inevitable that these 20-exobyte memory sticks would be a bit bulky. But on the plus side, we can use them to record high-def digital video of the entire rest of our lives, and then use them for our tombstones. Ironically, the attractive package design highlights the vanity, superficiality, and wretched excess of that idea, and of our lives in general.

"You big silly...I said I wanted to read something on Iraq, not something on a rock."

What liberal media?

"Yep, these will work fine for our tombstones. I'll go lay them against the coffins in the bedroom."

Huh! Says here that jar-quail-hand leaf-mouth hand-vulture-hand.

I think the "hard news" caption is a potential real contest finalist.

"The writing was on the wall. But now it's in our laps. Thank you, Mr. Chisel!"

"Let's get Rosetta stoned. Rosetta is our dog."

"So it would seem my human masters are truly the primitive ones. Quelle ironique!"

"I wish I knew how to read this."

"Yesterday's news, huh?"

Yours is blank because women are stupid.

"No, not a Tablet PC. I said, 'It's a tablet piece. See?' Besides, I find Tablet PCs to be far more unwieldy.”

Hmm, it says here that Ba'al requires an animal sacrifice. Well, it was nice having you as a pet, Sparky, but this looks like the end of the line. Sorry, but we have to slake the bloodlust of our pagan god. You're going to be burned alive.

Aw, look at his face...He knows what “burned alive” means!

You know, the local newspaper's gotten a lot more conservative lately. Maybe that's why instead of reading the paper, we've taken to amusing ourselves with these stone tablets. That reminds me: Are we having the flesh of the Bedouin nomads from whom we stole these for dinner again tonight?

"Mmm, I just love the baguette we get in Paris. Paris, Texas."

"It's painful, and I've had it for more than 4 hours. I think I should go see a doctor, like the prescription says."

"Vulgar? What's so vulgar about me reenacting my favorite scene from American Pie? Also, oooh."

"Uh-oh, problems in the Middle East again."

Wow...This ancient tablet includes a poem that is remarkably similar to the lyrics from Blowin' In The Wind.

It's cunniform, not cuneiform, which is why I'm drinking it in.

"No question about it. Slate kicks the New Yorker's ass."

"Ah, anachronism is such an endless fount of humor. I chuckle every time I look at that early Klee piece in its ornate Renaissance frame."

You've gotta read Dilberthotep

"Ten said Dolph of hay, into please predation as."

"A little rosacia on that nose and you'd. look just like J. P. Morgan in drag. Nice f'-me slingbacks though."

"Sunday Styles says clay is the next hot accessory."

"Frogs tomorrow, locusts Sunday. . . I guess we can forget about that picnic."

"Uh-oh. Pharaoh says he has evidence the Kushites are trying to acquire weapons of dual destruction."

"I never noticed that little front-page ad before: 'Jewish girls and mothers, turn over your first-born sons by 6:20 Friday night.'"

"Oh, look. Kohl's has the new iron plows now - but I'd like to wait a season and see if the price goes down."

gary has 3 real-life winners.

"We've been together a long time, dear - a long, long, loooooong time... and one thing I've never asked you: Why did you repeatedly slash our priceless wall art with a knife? And are you planning on getting it repaired or replaced?"

"So you think my comb-over is amusing, do you? Well that's okay I guess. Oh by the way, there's a mosquito on the back of your neck, but don't worry, I'll get it."

"Well here we are dear, 4000 years into the future."

"I don't know what our hairless cat/dog with a goose body and a five o'clock shadow has to do with these old tablets, but I feel like getting naked and posing motionless in the middle of the room."

I was thinking of getting naked and posing motionless in the middle of the room. But why bother? As far as I can tell, references to previous cartoons never win this contest. And by the way, Martha, everyone knows your stone tablet is a clip-on.

Honey, I think our hybrid cat-dog just sharted!

Whoops, I see Rob already mentioned the cat/dog thing... my apologies

"That Savage guy recommends lubricant for begetting."

"Looks like Harry cooked up another winning caption."

"Heh. It seems that laughter has always been the best medicine!"

"Oh, that Cindy Adams! Her column never gets old!" (independent of Tim C.)

I think its ancient translation of Pig Latin to Egyptian. Yours?

With these gravestones, everyone will think we our Egyptian!

I want a divorce.

"could you pass me the 'dear Hammurabi' section?"

"Hammurabi Van Buren?"

"Why, yes, Picasso-dog, I CAN read Phonecian runes...thanks for asking!"

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